How to Respond to "Is He Yours" and other like questions

[Flowing Brook]

When I am out in public with my daughter I get one of two extremes: she is four and loves to 'push' me in the wheelchair (i.e hold onto my handles so I can ensure she stays close). People generally tend to make general comments about what a great little helper she is:)

 

However, even though she looks just like me, I get more than a few crazy comments.

"Is she YOURS? Really? Like, from YOUR body? But, how in the world did you....?

(Insert shocked faces)

And you just know all sorts of words flit through those brains, lol. Some people are not even polite enough to stop that sentence. I have actually had people ask how she was conceived (explicitly!), carried, born, etc.

One woman even asked me if since I had a child was I just 'faking' being in a wheelchair?!

 

Actually, I am:) I am just so incredibly lazy that I thought I would make my life so much easier for the last 12 years by not bothering to get up. I stole this child to work as my 'helper' because I couldn't get a dog😇

 

Yeah I'd go with thinking you were faking. Since obviously it is easy to get a four year old for the sole purpose of being your caretaker.  I mean really the are are so many four year old servants out there.   Being in a wheel chair is so much fun I don't know why more people don't try your trick.   :001_rolleyes: I think some people just aren't very bright. Personally I rather enjoy hearing stupid comments. It gives me something to laugh about in private.

[Ripley]

I live in Texas, and I'm brown. When someone asks me something that bothers me, or that I just don't want to acknowledge, I simply pretend not to speak English. Or Spanish. That leaves only a few people who can still attempt communication with me. LOL

 

But mostly I don't mind, and I answer honestly. It gets old, but I try to remember that it's new to them. I'm not in the customer service business or anything, but I always remember how old it must be to work the Jungle Cruise ride at Disneyland. Saying the same old material hour after hour, day after day, and putting on a happy face all the while like it's their first time ever. I figure if hundreds of teens and young adults can manage to keep smiling and wading through the same ol' shizzle working for the Mouse ...heck, I can surely fake a smile long enough to answer (the same millionth time I've heard it) question that the other person has never before asked me. Not for pay, but because my kids are watching and learning, and at some point they'll be the ones being asked - not me.

 

I'm mixed but strongly favor one race. People are always surprised to hear I'm mixed, and as a child they'd always look funny at my dad (who I don't favor) when it was just the two of us. Once my boobs came in, strangers glared at him like I was his overseas child bride. They still look at him funny, though nobody is mistaking me for a child bride any more. LOL But they set a great example for me, in terms of how to address the questions. They believed intentions counted, but also would gently explain (to askers) to consider why and how they asked (in the future). I think they did as much to educate others, as they did me. :)

 

My parents are generally pretty awesome. I lucked into them, yes sir. (Wish they could say the same :lol:)

[East Coast Sue]

I am going to guess that most adoptive parents are offended at the questions because it is hurtful to their kids. Its not about us having an overly sensitive reaction.  Those of you who think we have become too sensitive need to try walking in our shoes. There are some very painful issues for our kids to deal with and it is not always as easy as you might think to handle questions from strangers.

 

When I had my 1 year old son (adopted from S.Korea) and dd3 and dd5 in the grocery store, I was once cornered by a woman with a very loud voice. She hollered at me and my kids, "Where did you get him? He's as pretty as a china doll! How much did he cost? Where did you get him????" Yes, it was horribly offensive.  I was totally flabbergasted and my oldest (about 5 yrs old) said, "Nebraska." His flight home landed in Nebraska and that's where he joined our family.  So, now when someone asks rather  inappropriately where he is from- we already know the right answer for us- Omaha, of course! 

 

Most of the time, I get very cautious and gentle questions from others with adopted children or grandchildren or those contemplating adoption. That is really a very different situation as they display tact and discretion which avoids rude and hurtful confrontations.  My husband loves the question and he responds with, "Oh, he's from my first wife." Which really is confounding to some since he is our 3rd of 4 children.

[Mrs Mungo]

Sue, that reminds me of this video:

 

[Tammi K]

I say, "Depends......What has he done?" ......... (If it was something cute...he's mine. When he's obnoxious, he's my husbands.) :coolgleamA:

[Evergreen State Sue]

There was a mom with a stroller at my co-op.  I peeked in and saw this cute baby of an obviously different race from the mom.  I told the mom how cute the baby was and asked if the infant was adopted.  I expected the yes answer, but she told me she was a foster mom.  I'm sorry if that would have been rude, but I thought it was a way to get to know the mom better.  It allowed us to have a more meaningful conversation.  

[*LC]

On return, I asked “Are they brothers?†And immediately realized it was an awkward question since of course they are brothers NOW and it really wasn’t my business if they were biologically brothers. The mother answered in a very gracious way that made me feel less stupid. 

 

This is the question I get the most about my adopted kids. If it is a friend asking, I answer graciously, because I know what they are asking & why. However, if it is a stranger, I take a moment before answering. I also give a bit of a confused look. Then, I answer, "Of course, now they are, but they were not before." Talking about adoption doesn't bother me or any of my kids, but I want the stranger to realize they asked a "stupid" question. I want to help them not ask another stranger that "stupid" question.

 

Alice, I didn't mean to pick on you. I am sure your friend was not offended; I am not offended when a friend asks. I know when a friend asks, it is because they want to get to know me & my kids. It is easier to be friends when you know someone's story. It sounds awkward to ask, "So, were your children biologically related before they joined your family." So, they ask the less stilting "are they brothers?" without thinking about what truly means.

 

[ErinE]

My youngest doesn't look like me at all (he looks like DH). I was very closely quizzed by an acquaintance on how exactly the child came by his looks. Being a semi-logical person, I explained a bit about genetics.

 

I found out later that after I walked away, DH leaned over and whispered to the inquiring person, "We aren't sure who the mother is, but we know he's mine."

[Stellalarella]

SKL has nicely said most things I can think of on the subject.  :)

 

Here's to hoping that my positive responses to unsolicited advice and questions will be good modeling for my girls' future:  I am really hoping when my two black daughters grow up and someone says "Is that white, frizzy headed woman really your mother?" they won't get all defensive, angry, rude and offended.  It's just too much emotional energy to waste on what will likely be a question from a merely curious person.  

[Tranquility7]

This is the coolest story ever. I didn't even realize you could adopt embryos. How awesome. Congrats to you and your family!

 

Thanks, Heather!  Yep - embryo adoption has been happening for years, but still is not a very well-known option.  It's been in the news a bit lately though - here are a couple more links in case you are interested or know someone else who might be:

World Magazine (series of 5 articles this year)

Time Magazine

 

We are 7.5 weeks away from meeting our little DD :hurray:

[Ravin]

My YOUNGEST is not the same race as we are.

 

My husband likes to answer with, "My first wife was Chinese."

 

I can't believe the number of people who don't get the joke, even with my older two standing right there.

 

We find it very entertaining.

This reminds me of my dad's favorite answer to "are they twins?" He'd reply, "no, they're 6 months apart."

[Kerileanne99]

Tranquility-

I have never been so happy for anyone I have read about anywhere but real life. I am absolutely ecstatic for you and wish you a LIFE-tIME of happiness and utter joy!

We have gone through a tremendous amount of pain, grief, desolation...and joy! Your post hast resulted in the possibility of a neighbors embryo joining into our family...I will ALWAYS be grateful and joyous at the very prospect!

[SKL]

This reminds me of my dad's favorite answer to "are they twins?" He'd reply, "no, they're 6 months apart."

 

LOL.  Mine are 3 months apart.

 

[Ravin]

LOL. Mine are 3 months apart.

 

My sisters are identical twins.

[LucyStoner]

My oldest was born when I was 25 and I've got a youthful face so people tended to assume I was a teen. I constantly got mistaken for the nanny even though DD is the spitting image of me. I felt at the time like I should've printed up a t-shirt reading: Yes, she's mine. Yes, I'm married. No, it wasn't a "shotgun" wedding. Yes, I'm a college graduate with a decent job. And it's none of your business whether or not she was planned!"

 

People can be so rude!

 

I had the same situation, except I was a couple of years younger.  People quite often made friendly at the park, trying to poach what they perceived as the best most hands on nanny.  Dollar figures were not infrequently mentioned.  Thanks, but this is my kid (I wouldn't be as nice to yours, trust me) and I already have a job (that requires a degree and doesn't involve living in your MIL apartment).  Have a nice day.  My older son looks exactly like me.  I even had people mistake him for my little brother.  Uh, no.  But to be a 23 year old mom in Seattle was like being a 13 year old mom.  

[Tranquility7]

Tranquility-

I have never been so happy for anyone I have read about anywhere but real life. I am absolutely ecstatic for you and wish you a LIFE-tIME of happiness and utter joy!

We have gone through a tremendous amount of pain, grief, desolation...and joy! Your post hast resulted in the possibility of a neighbors embryo joining into our family...I will ALWAYS be grateful and joyous at the very prospect!

 

Seriously??  That.is.AWESOME!!!!!!!  Your post totally gave me chills...  I am going to be praying so hard for you all!!!!!  Please PM me if you want to chat more about it!!   :D

 

[Mommyof4ks]

There was a mom with a stroller at my co-op. I peeked in and saw this cute baby of an obviously different race from the mom. I told the mom how cute the baby was and asked if the infant was adopted. I expected the yes answer, but she told me she was a foster mom. I'm sorry if that would have been rude, but I thought it was a way to get to know the mom better. It allowed us to have a more meaningful conversation.

I am a foster mom and soon to be adoptive mom, and I would not have found that offensive at all. My STBAS is the same race as my dh and I, but even if people ask later on if he is adopted, I hope we do a good enough job making him proud of that fact of his life that he will proudly pipe up with a resounding yes. I do not want to make him feel ashamed of his adoption into our family by chastising others for their questions or curiosity. Most people are curious, and that is good, we teach our kids to be curious and never stop learning. If people are rude in their questioning, then it is a perfect opportunity to teach all of my kids that some people just like to make other people feel bad, and it only looks bad on that person and has nothing to do with the child in question. Rude people will pick on anybody for anything. Bullies as kids grow up to be adult bullies. Most people though are curious, and my family is trying to focus on those people who may one day find their forever child that they did not even know they were looking for. I have a friend at the moment who had no idea that babies were adopted from foster care, and it all started with a conversation at the grocery store when she asked if my little guy was mine (she knew i was not pregnant, so she was confused lol). She is now hoping to adopt a baby too.

[khanna123]

 We have 6 kids.  2 are adopted from Guatemala--so they are hispanic. DH and myself are white, with 4 bio kids.  We get the question, "Are they ALL yours"  all the time.  Some people think are 2 hispanic kids are just friends of our bio kids--until I set it straight that we are ALL a family and I am their mom.  My 2 hispanic kids are 10 and 6 so very much old enough to understand what is being said.  I often have conversations with them about how people say stupid things or don't "filter" what comes out of their mouth.  My son, the 10 year old, laughs and says, yeah, that was stupid.  I do know sometimes it hurts them.  So I give extra hugs and let them know how much I love them and I am soo thankful I am their mom.  At the end of the day, this family unit matters more than what stupid things people say--even other kids.   It is also a good opportunity for all of my kids to learn that words do hurt.  Watch what you say.  Love people with what you say, don't just spout off.  It is hard, but a good learning opportunity for how to conduct our lives, and our mouths too.  I hope my 2 sweet hispanic kiddos know Dh and I love them-we try hard to make sure they know this b/c this is what they will remember when they are adults--how we responded to the stupid comments people make.  HTH!

[Jean in Newcastle]

You could always say, "I was in labor for ____ hours.  Yes, I'm darn sure he's mine."  (for biracial kids that people keep thinking are adopted).  

[KungFuPanda]

Change your introduction. "This is Peanut. I gave birth to him on jan 1, 2013 so he is x months old." People ask questions and make mistakes. You can decide to be annoyed or let it go. You're not going to fix the people unless its the same person asking all of the time, so you'll need to clear things up right away, or not let it bother you when the questions begin, or be freshly annoyed and fake surprised EVERY time it happens.

 

Sometimes I take my friend's toddler out with me. People assume she is mine. She doesn't really look like me except we both have very curly hair. It's not even the same color. People who don't know you can rarely tell whose kid is whose.

[Mom25girls]

Three of our daughters are Asian. We've gotten many "Are they YOURS?" kinds of questions (not always asked with the nicest intent). I've learned to smile sweetly and wide and proclaim "Oh yes! Don't you think I've been so very blessed?" If the person continues with this line of sometimes VERY personal and intrusive questioning, I have no problem saying with great sincerity "Oh, how EMBARRASSING for you!!" This was not so much of an issue when my girls were little but at 10, 12 and 14, the girls have NO DESIRE to share the personal aspects of their lives with total strangers. 

[mirth]

I agreed with the sentiment of letting the parents and kids take the lead over "differences" no matter what the reason. Most of the time they are just nice people and the GPS address of where they exited the womb is not a terribly interesting piece of information about them.

 

I have an adult friend who is adopted who I suspected was adopted, but I never asked her about it for years until she brought it up. And I wouldn't have unless she brought it up. Reason? Well, she was obviously comfortable with our friendship without substantiating her early history and did not see being adopted as a defining aspect of her persona.