What do you do when dh & you do not agree on further education for your children?

[bettyandbob]

It was my engineering degree and savings from that job that enabled me to stay home with our daughter.  it's silly to raise an adult who cannot take care of herself. 

 

Yes, Yes, Yes

[QueenCat]

 it's silly to raise an adult who cannot take care of herself. 

 

And irresponsible, assuming said person does not have an extensive disability which prevents them from obtaining the skills needed to take care of themselves.

[Crimson Wife]

Why would you discourage researching how to do it without debt. If the family really is in financial need, there are probably significant sources of scholarships this girl can uncover.

I wouldn't discourage that at all- in fact, I would be very encouraging of trying to figure out a way to make the daughter's dream come true without having to take on a lot of debt.

 

I'm just not getting on board with the notion that student loan debt is equally problematic for both men and women. Yes, it is a concern for both, but I think the ROI for men is often (though not always) higher.

[Guest]

I wouldn't discourage that at all- in fact, I would be very encouraging of trying to figure out a way to make the daughter's dream come true without having to take on a lot of debt.

 

I'm just not getting on board with the notion that student loan debt is equally problematic for both men and women. Yes, it is a concern for both, but I think the ROI for men is often (though not always) higher.

 

I agree. I don't want any of my children to have student loan debt, but I want it less for dd.  She want to be a SAHM with a good handful of children. She intends to go to college and work until that other possibility pans out, but it's realistic to understand that her life-time earning potential is not very high IF she does, in fact, end up SAH with children and/or homeschooling. 

[bettyandbob]

I wouldn't discourage that at all- in fact, I would be very encouraging of trying to figure out a way to make the daughter's dream come true without having to take on a lot of debt.

 

I'm just not getting on board with the notion that student loan debt is equally problematic for both men and women. Yes, it is a concern for both, but I think the ROI for men is often (though not always) higher.

 

 

You are counting on a good outcome with marriage and children. What if the girl doesn't meet a dh until she's 35. What if babies don't come. What if she does marry and have babies AND as I said in my first post death/divorce/abuse/disability occur. She won't be staying and that license and degree will come in handy quick. Since we cannot count on getting the best outcome I believe it is best that my dd leave home with some marketable skill or degree. It is ridiculous for a young woman to be dependent on a man's support. The stay at home position should be a decision of the couple together and for some couples increasingly that is not possible--even without debt. 

 

You come across as suggesting a girl shouldn't seek education because she will marry and have babies. You do not know and cannot predict if anyone will actually marry and have babies. Even for people who want that, it might not happen.

 

Does a woman who thinks she wants this just work as a cashier until the future husband and babies show up. That seems like a complete waste. And her likelihood of meeting a best possible mate WILL be lessened by not pursuing the education she desires. If only because she won't have confidence in herself and will percieve herself as unworthy. 

[Carol in Cal.]

I wouldn't discourage that at all- in fact, I would be very encouraging of trying to figure out a way to make the daughter's dream come true without having to take on a lot of debt.

 

I'm just not getting on board with the notion that student loan debt is equally problematic for both men and women. Yes, it is a concern for both, but I think the ROI for men is often (though not always) higher.

I disagree with this.

When a married couple considers financing children and a SAHM, they combine all their debt together to see whether they can make it.   It doesn't matter whether the student loan debt is his or hers at that point. And sometimes if someone goes back to school their loan suspends--which can be a helpful middle path since a college commitment is often more easy to work around than a fulltime job if trying to be a parttime SAHM.  Additionally, in this specific case, parttime jobs for registered nurses are very available and at least around here they are quite lucrative.  That field is WONDERFUL for parttime SAHMhood.

[Crimson Wife]

You come across as suggesting a girl shouldn't seek education because she will marry and have babies.

Not at all. I'm just saying it's not a great idea to take on a lot of debt for one's education but especially if you're a woman. Pursue your dreams, but do so in a way that doesn't leave you trapped having to work in a FT position when all you want to do is be home with your child(ren).

[Crimson Wife]

It doesn't matter whether the student loan debt is his or hers at that point.

Untrue. If I had chosen to attend grad school at the same time as my DH, we would've had to take out probably $200k more in student loan debt between my tuition, our living costs (since I wouldn't have had my salary to pay that), and health insurance (since we wouldn't have had that through my job). That would've left us in a position where we couldn't have afforded have me stay home. I would have been working solely to pay off the debt that we had accrued as a result of my choosing to attend grad school then rather than waiting until later in life.

[Carol in Cal.]

Untrue. If I had chosen to attend grad school at the same time as my DH, we would've had to take out probably $200k more in student loan debt between my tuition, our living costs (since I wouldn't have had my salary to pay that), and health insurance (since we wouldn't have had that through my job). That would've left us in a position where we couldn't have afforded have me stay home. I would have been working solely to pay off the debt that we had accrued as a result of my choosing to attend grad school then rather than waiting until later in life.

Again, though, it's the TOTAL debt that matters.

If your DH had not had his own debt, yours might have been manageable.

[Crimson Wife]

Again, though, it's the TOTAL debt that matters.

If your DH had not had his own debt, yours might have been manageable.

His debt made financial sense given his career ambitions (and he was, in fact, able to pay the loans off fairly quickly). My taking on debt at that point in our lives would not have made sense given my desire to be a SAHM while our kids were young.

 

Now if biology were different and men were the ones with fertility that drops after age 30 and disappears completely sometime between about 40 & 45 (without expensive high-tech interventions), then perhaps it would've made sense for me to go to grad school in my 20's and him to wait until mid-life.

[Carol in Cal.]

His debt made financial sense given his career ambitions (and he was, in fact, able to pay the loans off fairly quickly). My taking on debt at that point in our lives would not have made sense given my desire to be a SAHM while our kids were young.

 

Now if biology were different and men were the ones with fertility that drops after age 30 and disappears completely sometime between about 40 & 45 (without expensive high-tech interventions), then perhaps it would've made sense for me to go to grad school in my 20's and him to wait until mid-life.

Your circumstances do not contradict my point, which still stands, and which you have not acknowledged.

[LucyStoner]

If a man wants to get married and support a SAHP, then he is extra wise to consider him overall debt load going into marriage, including student loans. I know more women who work to put their husbands through school or pay off their old debts than I know women who work solely because they have their own student debt to pay. And honestly, most of the well educated mothers I know who work work because they want to, not because they have to. Part-time work that pays well is something that in general moms report that they would find ideal.

 

Because this family has struggled financially and dad has not been able to fully support them (help from his parents being mentioned in the first post), it is even more foolish that he wants his child to limit her earning potential.

 

I have exactly zero dollars in student loan debt, thanks to financial aid, merit scholarships and working entirely too many hours. I am not saying women are wise to take on a lot of student loan debt. But I fail to see that this is really a large factor for this family. It sounds like their financial situation is also such that she would benefit from likely a decent amount of need based aid. And there are plenty of state and lower cost options for nursing programs. We are not talking about a degree path that generally calls for a huge amount of debt if you are going when young and unencumbered by marriage and/or kids. This man's views seem to be, as stated by the OP, guided by a mix of questionable theology and sexism, not a careful consideration of costs.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I may not be reading this deeply enough. It's been a long day, so I'm sorry if this is going to sound incredibly thick of me:

When did the conflict become about whether or not student debt is wise for girls or for other people? I thought the point was that the Dad was intending to control and direct the destiny of his adult daughter. Everything beyond that is logistics, right?
 

Figuring out how to go to school cheaply, whether to take on various types of loans, etc. are concerns shared by all potential college-goers. That's not unique. This girl's problem is that her own father doesn't want her to figure these things out. He wants to make the decision for her.

 

Just...reset button. We've got rampant patriarchy locking up an adult daughter or forcing her out on the street. His reasons don't matter.

 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

......I am not saying women are wise to take on a lot of student loan debt. But I fail to see that this is really a large factor for this family. It sounds like their financial situation is also such that she would benefit from likely a decent amount of need based aid. And there are plenty of state and lower cost options for nursing programs. We are not talking about a degree path that generally calls for a huge amount of debt if you are going when young and unencumbered by marriage and/or kids. This man's views seem to be, as stated by the OP, guided by a mix of questionable theology and sexism, not a careful consideration of costs.

Or I guess I could have just quoted this.

[Scarlett]

I may not be reading this deeply enough. It's been a long day, so I'm sorry if this is going to sound incredibly thick of me:

 

When did the conflict become about whether or not student debt is wise for girls or for other people? I thought the point was that the Dad was intending to control and direct the destiny of his adult daughter. Everything beyond that is logistics, right?

 

Figuring out how to go to school cheaply, whether to take on various types of loans, etc. are concerns shared by all potential college-goers. That's not unique. This girl's problem is that her own father doesn't want her to figure these things out. He wants to make the decision for her.

 

Just...reset button. We've got rampant patriarchy locking up an adult daughter or forcing her out on the street. His reasons don't matter.

 

 

 

 

I didn't have the time to re-read the thread either but I didn't remember it being about debt. 

 

I wish the OP would come back and tell us WHY her dh doesn't want their dd to be a nurse.

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

 

Just...reset button. We've got rampant patriarchy locking up an adult daughter or forcing her out on the street. His reasons don't matter.

 

 

Where do you get that?  All I saw in the OP (unless a whole lot more was said later on) was that the "Dh is totally against her doing much of anything, he thinks she should focus on getting a husband and raising a family."  It sounds like this is still in argument stage between a husband and a wife.  I thought the OP was asking for books and information to bolster her argument.  I didn't see anything about locking anyone up, forcing anyone out on the street or even rampant patriarchy.  I think there are a whole lot of people reading their own baggage into this.  

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Where do you get that?  All I saw in the OP (unless a whole lot more was said later on) was that the "Dh is totally against her doing much of anything, he thinks she should focus on getting a husband and raising a family."  It sounds like this is still in argument stage between a husband and a wife.  I thought the OP was asking for books and information to bolster her argument.  I didn't see anything about locking anyone up, forcing anyone out on the street or even rampant patriarchy.  I think there are a whole lot of people reading their own baggage into this.  

I don't have any baggage on this topic. Never been through it in any way, shape, or form, or harmed by anybody who does have baggage on this topic. So I guess I'll re-read and try to figure out where I got that.

[Carol in Cal.]

I didn't have the time to re-read the thread either but I didn't remember it being about debt. 

 

I wish the OP would come back and tell us WHY her dh doesn't want their dd to be a nurse.

She said that he wants her to focus on being a wife and mother instead of going to college.

[bettyandbob]

Untrue. If I had chosen to attend grad school at the same time as my DH, we would've had to take out probably $200k more in student loan debt between my tuition, our living costs (since I wouldn't have had my salary to pay that), and health insurance (since we wouldn't have had that through my job). That would've left us in a position where we couldn't have afforded have me stay home. I would have been working solely to pay off the debt that we had accrued as a result of my choosing to attend grad school then rather than waiting until later in life.

 

Your experience does not compare to the OP at all. You seem to be comparing grad school to undergrad. Honestly, those are apples and oranges.

 

There is a marked difference between opportunities for people who have a BS or at least a technical degree and a person who merely has a high school diploma and no skills. Many places will not hire someone without a BS, even if the skills required have nothing to do with a college education. 

 

I would not suggest a person incur debt for a grad degree for the fun of it. In fact aside from professional degrees (MD, DDS, MBA, JD) I would say the grad degree is not worth it if 

1. you aren't being paid a stipend to do it, or

2. you can't do it debt free otherwise (taking one or two classes at a time while working, having and employer pay, etc)

Honestly, I would advise against much debt for an MD or DDS and advise no debt for JD. I don't believe an MBA should be started without a few years of work experience and the value of debt for that depends on the program.

 

But one does not need to incur huge debt to finish an undergrad degree at a public university if they plan carefully. And if one finishes an undergrad degree with a small amount of debt that is way better that having no degree, no technical and no license. One should always be in a position to be able to work, even if one plans to be a SAHP, because you cannot predict the future and you need to be prepared. 

 

Take yourself as an example. What if something happened to your husband and you had not life insurance. If you had no undergrad degree what would your employment prospects look like. What do your employment prospects look like with that degree. Even if someone has just a basic liberal arts degree there are so many more places to get an interview and foot in the door. Without that you are looking at minimum wage. 

[boscopup]

My engineering degree was incredibly helpful in setting us up so I could stay home with the kids. I worked 5 years in my field, and that allowed us to pay off total combined debt, purchase a larger house on some acreage, and prepare for kids. I was able to quit my job when my baby was born, no problem. I also have skills and a degree to get back into the field should anything ever happen to my DH. We have life insurance to keep us going long enough for me to update my education and find a job.

 

My best friend growing up had a mother who had wanted to be a nurse, but her dad wouldn't let her go to college (not for religious reasons - just 50s era thinking). She got married and had 3 kids. Then her husband was diagnosed with ALS and eventually died, leaving a woman with no education or job skills and 3 children to support. The only job she could find was a church secretary job, which paid very little. Thankfully, her husband had been active military when diagnosed, so she got military benefits. Otherwise, she would not have been able to stay afloat. Had she had a nursing degree, it would have been so much easier to support her family after her husband's death.

 

Accidents happen, diseases happen. Even if your DD marries the most perfect, supporting husband that never abuses her or cheats on her or leaves her, things can still happen. And as others have said, a nursing degree is great for a SAHM. I have a nurse friend who works weekends and homeschools during the week. It can absolutely be done.

[Mrs Mungo]

My daughter is almost 16, she talks about going to college, lately has talked about becoming a nurse.  Dh is totally against her doing much of anything, he thinks she should focus on getting a husband and raising a family.  

 

Well, I am having trouble fathoming being married to such a wrong-headed sexist. 

 

My dd has showed interest in nursing. My dh actually got upset with me for suggesting she look at 2 year x-ray tech/respiratory therapist programs instead of only 4 year programs. So...yeah, I can't imagine dealing with what you're dealing with. Probably I would smack him with a frying pan and help her apply for a loan, if necessary.

[marbel]

 

Take yourself as an example. What if something happened to your husband and you had not life insurance. If you had no undergrad degree what would your employment prospects look like. What do your employment prospects look like with that degree. Even if someone has just a basic liberal arts degree there are so many more places to get an interview and foot in the door. Without that you are looking at minimum wage. 

 

What kind of foolish people would have a stay-home, non-incoming earning parent, and no life insurance?    I don't earn any income and I have life insurance too, so if something happens to me my husband can take plenty of time off work, or hire whatever professional help is needed, till the kids are up and out. 

 

But this really is going far afield of the original post.

 

[msrift]

We have a JW family in our HS co-op and after 6th grade, the daughters are not allowed to take any advanced mathematical or scientific classes.

 

 

I met a family much like this. While chatting with a mom of a dozen kids, we started asking her how she handles teaching all of them, especially as they get to high school. She looked at us like we were crazy and said that she didn't need to teach all of them. Only two were boys, so she only had to give them a high school education. The 10 girls were just expected to basically sit around after 8th grade, waiting to get married.

 

Didn't know what to say. Still don't.

[Lisbeth]

Wow. I also take the stand tbat my children need my advocacy and absolutely no one stands in that way. Someone said to "do what he says" and quietly work for her. That do what he says thing is so very foreign to me, I could never do it. A child disowned or kicked out for being a female wanting college would live with me in MY new house at that point. My kids come first.

[Flowing Brook]

I know a lot of families that have this belief. The problem is not everyone gets a husband. I know plenty of girls that are still waiting in their thirties. I think rather than sitting in the house waiting for their life to begin they should be allowed to enjoy life and get some kind of job that will allow them to support themselves. What happens to these poor girls if that husband never comes along?

[Mrs Mungo]

I think the discussion of taking on massive loans is irrelevant. A nursing program doesn't require a massive loan. You can often do nursing programs at community colleges. If it goes well, then you can compete for scholarships or go to work and let them help you further your degree. 

[Slartibartfast]

I would be adamantly opposed to discouraging my daughter from attending college and furthering her education. My dd has two unmarried aunts in their 30s. They don't seem too worried about it, both have jobs and are supporting themselves.

 

One never knows what will happen but one should prepare for any eventually, to not do so is extremely foolish.

[bettyandbob]

What kind of foolish people would have a stay-home, non-incoming earning parent, and no life insurance?    I don't earn any income and I have life insurance too, so if something happens to me my husband can take plenty of time off work, or hire whatever professional help is needed, till the kids are up and out. 

 

But this really is going far afield of the original post.

 

 

Yes, both parents should have life ins, but often neither does. Twice in my years associated with the local homeschool community I've heard of husbands dying and leaving behind 5+ children and no ins. These were people who had professional level jobs. Both times the community was doing things like having a church yard sale to benefit the family. I get disgusted when I see this kind of thing because people at that level of income even in my high COL  area are capable of preparing better than that. 

 

But yes, it does happen. 

[LucyStoner]

I know a lot of families that have this belief. The problem is not everyone gets a husband. I know plenty of girls that are still waiting in their thirties. I think rather than sitting in the house waiting for their life to begin they should be allowed to enjoy life and get some kind of job that will allow them to support themselves. What happens to these poor girls if that husband never comes along?

ITA

 

Or if when he comes along he becomes ill, disabled or dies? Or if he is abusive or an addict? Or if he just doesn't make enough money to make a single income family arrangement feasible? Or their kids have special needs that require more income than he alone can provide?

 

Not all husbands are good husbands. Not all good husbands are able to work for a livable wage and no one at all ever is immune from death or disability.

 

To say nothing of the husband and wife who decide that for whatever reason, he's the SAHP and she's the bread winner or that they are both better off working FT or PT.

[Slartibartfast]

I have encouraged her to do whatever it takes to follow her heart, even if it means being on her own at 18. My sil has already told us she can move in with her if she wanted to. It just breaks my heart that we can not be in agreement on this.

 

 

Uh...

 

While I tend to take the view that dh should probably come first since I am going to be stuck with him longer I would have a hard time reconciling something that would require my child to flee my home. I really don't think this is something I could live with. 

[Mrs Mungo]

Uh...

 

While I tend to take the view that dh should probably come first since I am going to be stuck with him longer I would have a hard time reconciling something that would require my child to flee my home. I really don't think this is something I could live with. 

 

I agree. 

 

I generally don't usually agree with the kids come first philosophy because I think my relationship with dh should be my primary relationship. At the same time, if he won't help our kids, then he's abandoning my idea of what I want in a spouse anyway. 

 

eta: How would he react to you just explaining how very strongly you feel about this issue for purely practical reasons? 

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that being able to function well in your home as an adult is very important for both men and women.  However, learning to do so is not mutually exclusive with attending college.

 

Having said that, the original post made reference to focussing on finding a husband. 

 

I find that degrading to the men involved in addition to the women.  What man wants to be 'a husband'?  What woman wants to be 'a wife'?  Who wants to be generic?  Who wants to just fill an empty spot?  What people want, and I believe what God wants for people, is to be the husband or wife of someone specific, someone special, someone who finds us uniquely desirable, someone who we uniquely desire ourselves.  The whiff of desperation clouds these 'searches', whether by women or men.  The suspician that 'anyone will do' tarnishes the sacredness of the resulting marriage.  This is a bad, bad way to think, and horrible advice for a young single person. 

[Mrs Mungo]

People who are so strapped for cash that they can't afford insurance ? Guess that makes us fools.

 

We have 30 year term life insurance that automatically renews as long as we don't let the policy falter. We started it back when dd#1 was born and we were in our twenties. It's around $20/month for each of us. We have policies on each of us, but his is bigger. 

[Slartibartfast]

People who are so strapped for cash that they can't afford insurance ? Guess that makes us fools.

 

 

Our life insurance is automatically deducted from dh's paycheck so we never see that money to stick somewhere else.

[Mrs Mungo]

Well, if we don't see it we don't get to use it on rent or food or medicine or home ed or blah blah blah. We not living the high life here.

 

Premiums are higher and harder when there's chronic illness involved as well.

 

But sure, go ahead and characterize us as fools or spenders or irresponsible.

 

Nobody is suggesting you are out "living the high life." I'm over 40. I've lost my baby sister to cancer, and I've had many friends lose spouses through accidents, sickness or violence. It seems scary and risky to not have insurance. But, maybe Australia has better benefits for children and young widows than we have here in the US? 

[Slartibartfast]

Well, if we don't see it we don't get to use it on rent or food or medicine or home ed or blah blah blah. We not living the high life here.

 

Premiums are higher and harder when there's chronic illness involved as well.

 

But sure, go ahead and characterize us as fools or spenders or irresponsible

 

Why not just make a spin-off?

[bettyandbob]

insurance is sort of a red herring. even if a spouse has insurance it won't be enough to support the surviving spouse forever. It's pretty much get on your feet money. If your lucky you could afford enough for a year or more of not working. 

 

BUT if the surviving spouse has no degree or skill/license/training beyond high school, they aren't going to get on their feet very well. That is my point. You need something to rely on because you do not know what will happen. 

[Mrs Mungo]

insurance is sort of a red herring. even if a spouse has insurance it won't be enough to support the surviving spouse forever. It's pretty much get on your feet money. If your lucky you could afford enough for a year or more of not working.

That depends upon how much insurance you have. But, I agree that sooner or later the surviving spouse needs to be able to work and bring in more funds.

 

BUT if the surviving spouse has no degree or skill/license/training beyond high school, they aren't going to get on their feet very well. That is my point. You need something to rely on because you do not know what will happen.

I don't disagree in the least. I agree that it's better if both people can have degrees and/or career/money-making potential so that they have the best odds of handling whatever life throws at them.

[Slartibartfast]

We have always had insurance but we increased our insurance because my Dr recommended it. My sister had a cancer diagnoses and they said if we got any genetic tests for cancer then the life insurance would be more persnickety about allowing us to increase it later.

 

Everyone has different experiences that influence their choices.

[BlueTaelon]

Wow, I can't imagine being in your position. Is she by chance ready to start duel enrollment at the local CC? You could start knocking out courses as part of high school outsourcing so she has less school years/cost to worry about at age 18.

[kiana]

Where do you get that?  All I saw in the OP (unless a whole lot more was said later on) was that the "Dh is totally against her doing much of anything, he thinks she should focus on getting a husband and raising a family."  It sounds like this is still in argument stage between a husband and a wife.  I thought the OP was asking for books and information to bolster her argument.  I didn't see anything about locking anyone up, forcing anyone out on the street or even rampant patriarchy.  I think there are a whole lot of people reading their own baggage into this.  

 

I think it's the comment about her being on her own at 18 a few posts later that is prompting this. OP has not clarified on whether this means dd would have to fund college on her own or whether this would mean that she would no longer be welcome to stay in her family's home.

[Mrs Mungo]

I don't get the nastiness. Generalizations were made. I found them hurtful and simplistic. Done.

Nobody is being nasty. The post simply wasn't specific enough. In the US, it *is* foolish not to have life insurance *at least* on a sole wage earner. The US just doesn't have good enough safety nets to rely upon those alone.

[Mrs Mungo]

I think it's the comment about her being on her own at 18 a few posts later that is prompting this. OP has not clarified on whether this means dd would have to fund college on her own or whether this would mean that she would no longer be welcome to stay in her family's home.

The suggestion that she might need to go live with someone else heavily implies that she would no longer be welcome in her father's home, if she defied his wishes about college. :(

[Slartibartfast]

I don't get the nastiness. Generalizations were made. I found them hurtful and simplistic. Done.

 

It isn't a generalization for the US.  We have very different programs. If you are not American then it doesn't apply to you.

[FaithManor]

In my area, the religions that preach against higher educations also preach against life and health

insurance because that shows weakness of faith - not trusting God. They allow car and house insurance

under the render unto Caesar verse because these are oft times required by law.

 

I have no idea if the OP's husband belongs tonsuch a religion, but if so and he believes she should marry

a young man of similar belief, thenhe would be doubly wise to make sure his daughter has a skill set that

will allow her to provide for a family.

 

Mostly, I am just utterly unable to wrap my brain around the idea of limiting a child's potential based

on gender so Ai do recognize that I come across very strongly. I do hope the OP is able to advocate

for her child.

 

Faith

[Catwoman]

It's also odd to me that they're *just now* discussing this.  These things (roles of women in the home, in the workforce, etc.) are things that should have been discussed even before marriage to see if they were compatible.  She had years to teach him and soften him.  A woman has to teach her dh many things and has that power if she starts early and does it gently and quietly.  ;)

If the OP and her dh were young when they got married, I'd be willing to bet that they weren't thinking far enough ahead to even consider their then-imaginary dd's prospects after high school. They might have been thinking as far ahead as how many kids they might like to have, but I doubt they were thinking very far beyond that.

 

As far as "teaching and softening," I don't buy into that at all. It sounds manipulative. I don't see why a wife wouldn't come right out and directly tell her dh how she feels about an important matter, so they can have a discussion about it -- or several discussions.

 

I don't have a dd, but if my dh ever suggested that I should limit my child's opportunities for a successful future, I wouldn't be talking to him "gently and quietly." And he'd know I meant business.

 

Thankfully, my dh and I are able to discuss anything and everything, and we both want our ds to have every possible advantage and opportunity in his life.

[kiana]

The suggestion that she might need to go live with someone else heavily implies that she would no longer be welcome in her father's home, if she defied his wishes about college. :(

 

Yes, exactly.

[marbel]

People who are so strapped for cash that they can't afford insurance ? Guess that makes us fools.

 

Well, I am sorry; I was hasty and thoughtless with my words.   That was such a nonnegotiable for me; in the US term life insurance is very cheap and easy to get.  Sorry for the generalization.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think it's the comment about her being on her own at 18 a few posts later that is prompting this. OP has not clarified on whether this means dd would have to fund college on her own or whether this would mean that she would no longer be welcome to stay in her family's home.

Yes, I see that.  But even that is a bit ambiguous as you noted.

 

I don't condone the husband's worries or stance.  But I know a lot of men (and women) who have come with their own baggage of prejudices and beliefs.  That baggage isn't the sum total of who they are.  I hope that perhaps the OP can talk to her husband and get him to see his views as limiting and unloving and lacking foresight.  Sometimes all it takes is to have someone call a spade a spade for someone to start to see that there is a different way to see things.  It doesn't sound like the OP is afraid of disagreeing with her husband or speaking her mind.  

[zoobie]

If you have health conditions, life insurance can be prohibitively expensive even if you get it early. I have several friends who have type I (juvenile) diabetes, had childhood cancer, etc. who were unable to afford life insurance when they were just starting out. $20/month is a very reasonable policy amount and I don't think would apply to many people or be sufficient to maintain a family's lifestyle and allow the surviving spouse to stay at home until the children are out of the house. My DH's cost more than that (around $500/yr?) for a $500K policy when I was pregnant with our first. He was 28 and in excellent health. That would not have lasted 18-19 years, and even if it did, then what would the spouse do? He hadn't been working for more than 10 years at a "real" job, just part time crappy jobs during college and we weren't allowed to work the first 2 years of law school, so even using his Social Security would be useless. The only thing the poor widow is supposed to do is find a new man before the life insurance runs out???

 

(Not calling out Mrs. Mungo--I don't think at all she was suggesting a $20/mo policy would solve this problem. Hopefully the military offers reasonable life insurance to its personnel!)