Does this seem weird to you?

[MedicMom]

I may delete this later.

 

My stepgrandmother passed away unexpectedly in early November. She is significantly younger than my grandfather and in good health so it was a total shock. My grandparents divorced when I was very young and so step grandma was always a part of my life. They had been married almost thirty years.

Since then, two women have contacted my mom asking how she would feel about them dating her dad!! (One of which is actually my grandmother's brothers widow, which is guess would make her my grandfather's ex-sister-in-law, though she and my grandfather dated in high school and she and uncle were not married while my grandparents were. The other woman is my boss' ex-step mother, which I did not know till the other day)

 

My grandfather is in his mid-70s and one of those extroverted, fun, everyone loves him kind of guys. He is land rich but cash poor, so these women are not gold diggers.

 

Does the whole thing just seem totally inappropriate and weird to anyone else? Both these women are usually the models of class and decorum. Or are they just lonely elderly women looking for some company and wanting to clear it with the family first?

 

ETA: It has only been three weeks since she passed, and it was in no way an expected death where the grieving spouse has had time to say goodbye and grieve before the actual death. She was fine in the morning and dead by afternoon. We would love my grandfather to have someone special in his life again, but to have women pursuing him three weeks after unexpected death of his wife just seems bizarre to me.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't think it is inappropriate that adults in their 70's would want to date.  I do find it strange that they would ask your mom though.  

[JustEm]

What I find weird is that they would ask if its ok to date him.  I would be insulted if anyone asked someone but me if it was ok for them to date me.

[MedicMom]

I guess what I find weird is that step grandmother has only been gone 3 weeks and I don't think he has even started to process her death yet. I suspect that is why they are asking my mother. I would see nothing weird with dating in the future.

 

By the way they have said nothing to him, and I truly don't think he is looking at anyone else yet. Like I said it's been only 3 weeks and that's what I find weird.

[jewellsmommy]

Not to be too blunt, but I guess at that age you don't feel that you have months or years to wait before dating again. The timeline gets a little more compressed. These women probably felt that enough time had passed, but maybe wanted to still be sensitive to your mom because it was still pretty recent.

[saraha]

I don't think it is strange.  Maybe by asking, they were feeling out where the grief stage was at for the kids.  You know, wanting to be sensitive to her mom's feelings and preserving good relations.  I guess I am reading it as an act of concern for people's feelings rather than an act of permission.

[MedicMom]

Three months wouldn't even seem overly weird to me, especially at 75. But 3 WEEKS?

[Lara in Colo]

I think the rules of weird are different for each generation and for each stage in life.  I think that it is strange this soon, but I am not 70 or raised in their times.

[mom2scouts]

I don't think it's weird.  There is a significant shortage of available men in that age group and he will be in demand since he's fun and well liked.  I'm not surprised that they called your mother either because they wondered if the past relationships were going to cause a problem.  When my MIL died, we nearly had to kidnap my FIL to put him into an Alzheimer's facility because one woman was so aggressive about a relationship with him that she was putting him in danger.

[Joanne]

I think, even for the ages involved, 3 weeks is disrespectful and rushed.

[Catwoman]

I think it's sweet that the ladies had the courtesy to talk to your mom, but THREE WEEKS???

 

No. Just NO.

[bettyandbob]

For an unexpected death 3 weeks is too soon. Also isn't it up to the man who experienced the loss? I think he's the one to decide.

[wintermom]

Three months wouldn't even seem overly weird to me, especially at 75. But 3 WEEKS?

 

Yes, I think it's way too soon to be asking your mom or anyone. I think it goes beyond weird and borders on being disrespectful of the family's feelings. They were married for 30 years and it was a sudden death. Definitely time to heal is needed and I would think expected.  Very sorry for your loss.

[Mrs Mungo]

My MIL was remarried less than a year after her dh's passing. It might seem rushed, but it is very common. They are probably worried about someone else snatching him up, if they don't move quickly.

[ocelotmom]

I think, even for the ages involved, 3 weeks is disrespectful and rushed.

 

I agree.

 

I had a test in gerontology not long ago which asked a similar question, about the appropriate intervention for a man who was feeling lonely as his wife had recently passed away, with possible answers of antidepressants, move into a nursing home, encourage him to date, and one other that I can't remember now that was clearly wrong. I am sure "encourage him to date" was the "right" answer, but I couldn't answer that. It feels disrespectful (though so does antidepressants, which is what I did answer).

 

Be validating of an expressed desire to date - I can see that. But encourage doesn't seem right. I'd think "Encourage social activities" would be a more appropriate intervention.

 

Or maybe it is the right answer according to the people themselves, and I'm just seeing the situation through a well-meaning but different lens.

 

(TBH, I don't know for sure that encouraging dating was actually the "right" answer. I suspect it was, but have no way of finding out for sure, and no huge desire to figure out where in the textbook that particular bit of info would be and look it up.)

[Joker]

I think it's strange but my grandfather was dating within weeks of my grandmother's passing and they were married for 46 years. He was married again within a year.

[Catwoman]

My MIL was remarried less than a year after her dh's passing. It might seem rushed, but it is very common. They are probably worried about someone else snatching him up, if they don't move quickly.

I think that's kind of creepy in its own right.

[Mrs Mungo]

I think that's kind of creepy in its own right.

Maybe. I'm not saying it's right. I think it's weird. But, I'm not 70 years old either. A lot of older people are deeply afraid of being alone. From what I have actually seen? It's common. That's all.

[Catwoman]

Maybe. I'm not saying it's right. I think it's weird. But, I'm not 70 years old either. A lot of older people are deeply afraid of being alone. From what I have actually seen? It's common. That's all.

I agree that it's common. I have seen it a lot, too.

[Plateau Mama]

My grandmother died in a car accident when I was 16. She and my grandfather had been high school sweethearts, together since she was 14. They were in their early 60's. Almost immediately he had several girlfriends from church asking him out. She died at the end of May (Memorial Day) and he was engaged by December, to a lady my mothers age. They have been married 20+ years.

[Renthead Mommy]

Some people don't do "alone" well.  Obviously they both know him, and like him.  They may be lonely.  They may think, especially because it was so sudden he may be lonely and still processing so may want someone to talk to, etc.   They may not want to start officially 'dating' him today, but they may be asking, if they start spending time with him, if it does turn into something else, would the mom be okay with this.  They may be trying to avoid starting something, and then having it end because the family put pressure on him.  It does seem quick, but agian, they may just want to feel out the waters first and just 'be there' for him in his time of need. 

[Paige]

My MIL was remarried less than a year after her dh's passing. It might seem rushed, but it is very common. They are probably worried about someone else snatching him up, if they don't move quickly.

I agree. My uncle remarried within months of his much loved wife's passing. I heard him say that the older women in town were all over him and excited to see a new available man at the places the older people in town congregated. An older unmarried man is hot property in some areas. It seemed fast to us and his children never really recovered from the shock, but they seemed to have a loving relationship that lasted another 20 yrs.

 

I think it is strange that they asked your mom, but at least it shows the ladies are trying to be sensitive, even if they may be over eager.

[MedicMom]

My grandfather doesn't appear to have any interest at this point. He is still in shock.

 

I do believe the ladies are trying to be sensitive in their own way. The lack of available men, especially healthy, active men, is probably a lot of what's going on. I do hope he finds love again if that is what he wants and I don't think he needs to wait a long time; I just think three weeks is too soon for them to be in such pursuit, and it is kind of disrespectful.

 

On the other hand he is being fed quite well by the neighborhood widows who all appear to be expert casserole makers for the newly bereaved. :-)

[JumpyTheFrog]

My grandma died in her late 70s and my grandpa had all sorts of women chasing him around. He starting dating within a year of her death (which is much longer than three weeks) and dated one woman for a year. (He also bought his first computer and took up golf.) Then they broke up and he's been with the current girlfriend for about 14 years. (I think there may have been a couple other women after him at the beginning that didn't make the cut.) Men that age who are mobile and don't just sit around complaining all the time probably have lines after them.

[TechWife]

My father in law remarried less than a year after my mother in law died. He married the kids' aunt (his wife's brother's widow).  After my mother in law died, one of my father in law's sister's told him to watch out for the "casserole ladies." He was already in his 80's when this happened. I don't have a problem with a man of that age doing what he wants to do - he's an adult after all. 

 

I do find it odd that in the situation the OP described that the ladies have called and asked permission - I wouldn't think it would be anyone's business.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

No I don't think it's strange.