Do we ask for the money or not?

[Ottakee]

Last March dh's father passed away. In the midst of all of that his mother wasn't on top of things and we just handled them as she asked. We paid for the cremation, urn, announcements, paperwork, obituary, etc. It adds up to over $2000.

 

Just yesterday she asked me to help her out with her finances, help her set up estate planning, etc. In the process she told me what her income is from retirements, social security, etc. as well as her cash savings. She could easily afford to repay us and not be hurting or even miss it at all.

 

I honestly think that she totally forgot about us paying it. Dh is her only living child and his deceased brother had one son who is 21 but lives out of state so everything falls on us.

 

Do we approach her about repaying us or just eat the cost? We are not in dire straights but dh was laid off quite a bit last year and we had to pay COBRA so our emergency fund took a big hit---the funeral expenses were paid out of that.

 

My thought was to gently ask her if she would like to pay us now or take it off the top of her estate before it is divided in the future. Obviously now would be better for us.

 

How do you handle stuff like this?

[Samiam]

I'd consider how she would handled it, ie what is her personality like on things like this.   Meaning some people might get all offended, as if you are attacking them, and why would you ask because you don't need the money and you are just asking because you've seen my funds, etc etc, and it could cause some relationship issues  (money gets ugly in family situations sometimes).  On the other hand, some people would be completely fine with you bringing it up and laugh it off that they had forgotten in the midst of all of the situation, and happily pay you back without a second thought.    If you think she'd be the latter, I think I'd bring it up, just mentioning your own hardships from being laid off and how the money would be helpful.  

[KRG]

Let it go.

[AimeeM]

Let it go. Unless she specifically said "hey - can you handle this and I'll pay you back?"... just let it go.

[Farrar]

If you have a good relationship and there's no history of issues about money between you and you really just think she (quite understandably) forgot, then yes, ask for it.  If there's a whole history there or its likely to make things awkward, then I'd let it go.

[Ottakee]

No real history. It was more of a we were there and she doesn't have a credit card and didn't have checks, etc. with her so I just paid it.

 

We are doing estate planning soon so maybe we can address it then.

[Renthead Mommy]

Let it go.  It's only $2000.  For a funeral, that is really nothing in expenses.

[Catwoman]

Did she think she was paying for those expenses, or did she just assume that you and your dh were covering the costs? If there was no discussion about it at the time, I wouldn't mention anything now.

 

Besides, if your dh is her only living child, he will inherit the money back again some day anyway. (Obviously, it's different if you need the money! If you don't, I think it's well worth being quiet about the $2000 to maintain a good relationship with your MIL, but if finances are tight, $2000 can mean a lot.)

 

When my dad died, I took care of all of the arrangements and paid for everything, and even though my mom was pretty insistent about paying me back, I wouldn't hear of it. It was for my dad. I wanted to pay.

[ErinE]

Your DH should ask as you should be repaid for those expenses. If your MIL has the funds, it's very unfair that you should bear the cost, given your financial situation. I don't think you should be the one asking.

[Tess in the Burbs]

Honestly, it would be very easy while helping her to point out it cost you $2000 to do all the things for the funeral last year.....perhaps she would offer to repay you knowing how much it cost.  You can even add on what a hardship it was with the layoff and see how she reacts.  Point out to her planning now will help others avoid having such large costs out of pocket later.....  

 

But otherwise I wouldn't ask for the money.  

[MomatHWTK]

I would not bring up anything about it during this time of year. 

[wapiti]

The funeral expenses should have ultimately been paid by the estate of the deceased.  Were there any assets that needed probate?  Any executor appointed?  If there was an executor, forward your receipts to that person.

[momto10blessings]

If I needed the money I would ask. No pressure though. Maybe a payment plan?

[gardenmom5]

I would gently say something.  she probably did forget.  if she wasn't the one who handled the couple finances, it would be even more likely she forgot.

[Murphy101]

I'd probably die of choking on my own words before I'd be able to spit out the question - so that's a "let it go" from me. :)

[Anne in CA]

My mother worked for an attorney who did a lot of probate and I worked with a lot of older people for a time. Older people can have the most bizarre attitudes about money. If you feel ANY weirdness about your MIL in regards to money I would not ask her to pay because I value relationship over money every time.

 

That said, it us unrealistic to expect to inherit anything from anyone. Just dropping the issue because you think you will get the money back because the estate will only be divided two ways is not wise. The most elderly people remarry and leave everything to a new spouse. It happens A LOT. The elderly are targets of all kinds of scams and con artists who leave them broke. It is just not safe to assume that the money will be there. So many people expect to inherit and are stunned to find that in just a few months their parent lost everything and there is nothing left. Lawsuits do not bring back money in those scenarios even though people try. 

 

If you need the money, get it now rather than later, but if she is worried about being poor, old and alone, I would not ask her for it because she might become very scared even though she really does have plenty of money.

[Annie G]

I put myself in her shoes- if my kids had paid those expenses in order to make it easy on me at the time, I would sure hope they would remind me about repaying it.  I cannot imagine that she intended for her son to pay those expenses.  It's quite possible she doesn't even remember that she didn't pay for it.  There's a gentle way for dh to bring it up- she's not going to be offended. 

 

And yeah, it's a tough time of the year but for a new widow, it's ALWAYS a tough time.  My dad is working on year two of my mom being gone and we're all still so emotional about it that we regularly get choked up.  So it's not as if there's going to be a 'good time'. It's ok to ask- dh isn't demanding, just reminding. 

[Melissa in Australia]

My mother worked for an attorney who did a lot of probate and I worked with a lot of older people for a time. Older people can have the most bizarre attitudes about money. If you feel ANY weirdness about your MIL in regards to money I would not ask her to pay because I value relationship over money every time.

 

That said, it us unrealistic to expect to inherit anything from anyone. Just dropping the issue because you think you will get the money back because the estate will only be divided two ways is not wise. The most elderly people remarry and leave everything to a new spouse. It happens A LOT. The elderly are targets of all kinds of scams and con artists who leave them broke. It is just not safe to assume that the money will be there. So many people expect to inherit and are stunned to find that in just a few months their parent lost everything and there is nothing left. Lawsuits do not bring back money in those scenarios even though people try. 

 

If you need the money, get it now rather than later, but if she is worried about being poor, old and alone, I would not ask her for it because she might become very scared even though she really does have plenty of money.

:iagree:

 

I tell my DH this all the time. Never ever count chickens until they hatch. All it takes is the elderly relative to need to go into a nursing home and there will be no inheritance.

[bolt.]

In the process if helping her with money management and "estate settling" -- just mention, "Oh, and the funeral expenses. Those come from the estate, right? We have the recepts." And jot it down and carry on with other details.

 

You might have to say more ("ask" for the money) if she seems surprised, but it's common for "the estate" to pay for those costs. It's like the deceased is just covering "his own expenses" like he would if he were alive.

[Mrs Mungo]

That said, it us unrealistic to expect to inherit anything from anyone. Just dropping the issue because you think you will get the money back because the estate will only be divided two ways is not wise. The most elderly people remarry and leave everything to a new spouse. It happens A LOT. The elderly are targets of all kinds of scams and con artists who leave them broke. It is just not safe to assume that the money will be there. So many people expect to inherit and are stunned to find that in just a few months their parent lost everything and there is nothing left. Lawsuits do not bring back money in those scenarios even though people try.

It also happens a lot that end of life care eats up a ton of money. People who get sick can spend months in the hospital or nursing home or with at home nursing care.

[Melissa in Australia]

In the process if helping her with money management and "estate settling" -- just mention, "Oh, and the funeral expenses. Those come from the estate, right? We have the recepts." And jot it down and carry on with other details.

 

You might have to say more ("ask" for the money) if she seems surprised, but it's common for "the estate" to pay for those costs. It's like the deceased is just covering "his own expenses" like he would if he were alive.

that sounds like a great way of doing it

[susankenny]

Oh. That's a tough one.  :grouphug:

 

Personally, I would let it go.  If you absolutely need the money though, have your husband talk to his mom about it.

[Ottakee]

We are going to be setting up something with the lawyer to do estate planning and it will come up then and we will see where she goes with it.

 

FIL had everything in their joint name so she just took over and there was no probate, etc.

 

We have no idea how she will split up the estate and that is obviously her decision.