to homeschool again or not? 9 year old hating ps, wants to come back to hs

[momsuz123]

(I tried to post a few minutes ago, and it never showed up, will try again, sorry if it double posts)

 

So, I stopped hsing my 9 year old this year. Her attitude in hs really stunk as last year wore one.  She only wanted to do what she wanted to do. The local ps became an integrated arts school, and she loves theater, so I thought lets try it.

 

So, now she is begging to come back, crying every night.  She has been so bullied by kids. She had no idea kids could be so mean. She is also so bored (blowing those MAPS scores, esp reading, sky high). They won't recommend her for the GT program (even though she is off the chart), because they said her "social coping skills" are weak. We were told she needs to learn how to do deal with mean kids.

 

Okay, give it to me. Suggestions? Advice? We have met with the school several times now, I don't think anything is going to change. I love her so much and feel so bad to see her like this, but am afraid what if she goes right back to bad attitude and thinks she can just go back and forth as she pleases.

 

Thanks.

[jewellsmommy]

I would homeschool again.

 

I would discuss with her what your expectations are and even write out an educational agreement/contract with her. Don't make this process harsh, but more like a collaborative effort, like embarking on a new adventure. Then consider it a re-start and enjoy it. :001_smile:

 

 

 

ETA: I would definitely make sure that it is understood that once you pull her out she is out for whatever time you set. There will be no more mid-year changes of decision.

[fourcatmom]

Personally, I would take her out and HS her. I pulled my girls out 3 years ago, around age 8/9 for my youngest. It was hard for her at first and we had a lot of issues but I always felt that I resorted to "you can always go back" if you don't shape up. Having this threat over her head didn't really help things. It wasn't until I decided that sending her back was not an option. I didn't want her to go back, I just wanted her to love HSing as much as I did. I think it just needed an adjustment period and I also think for some reason that 9 is a hard age. Instead I started dealing with the behaviors and school was not negotiable. It still wasn't always easy but taking the option away helped. If she were having bad behaviors in ps, she would still have to go to school and do what the teacher asks her to do or their would be consequences. I think now that she has seen the other side, she might be more agreeable but set firm rules from the beginning and don't allow going back and forth to be an option.

 

Fast forward two years later and at almost 12 my dd is doing great. She has really come a long way, and we did it together. We have a much better relationship now then I think we would have if I had sent her back to school.

[Farrar]

They won't recommend her for the GT program (even though she is off the chart), because they said her "social coping skills" are weak. We were told she needs to learn how to do deal with mean kids.

 

I'm sorry, but that's just evil.  Even if she does need to learn some social skills, they're holding her back academically because other kids are being mean and she's miserable?  What the *&%# kind of attitude is that?  How's that supposed to help?!?

 

Anyway, I think you know what a homeschool board would tell you to do. ;)  I'm guessing no one tells you to leave her there.

 

So, next you'll need to start a thread and think about how you can bring her home without re-creating the dynamic that led you to send her to school in the first place. :D

[HSmomof2]

I was in a similar situation with ds(10) last year. Dh and I decided it just was not going to be a good fit for him and brought him home in Feb. His attitude, while not perfect, greatly improved with homeschooling again.

[FriedClams]

I see three options:

 

1. Homeschool and expect to spend time every day for a while dedicated to attitude and character training, as well as relationship building. I think knowing you'll be working with an attitude may help you plan and not be frustrated.

 

2. Go to the school and raise the roof on how your dd is being treated. Allowing her to be bullied and mistreated to toughen her up is shameful and I'd let everyone know. Kick the doors down. Defend her! Get her in the classes she needs to be challenged and happy - and make them stop the "socialization" project. Daily, until it changes. Be the squeaky wheel.

 

3. Put her in a different B&M school. I realize that may not be an option. But I want to cover bases.

 

This is a homeschool website. I'm a homeschool parent. I believe in it. I'd homeschool her and work on her attitude. Find her thearter elsewhere. You're entering the tween years. Bring her close to you and walk through it together. Set high expectations for her behavior and help her reach them.

[Mom0012]

I would homeschool again unless there was some reason I just couldn't. Maybe your dd will have a better attitude about hsing now that she's been to school.

[momsuz123]

Yep, pretty much what I thought you would all say. I have been saying the same thing to myself for several weeks now. It irks me to the bones that they think she has poor social coping skills. Well, yeah, we don't normally let our kids hang out with mean kids. I know in my heart she would be better at home in some ways, but this is my super outgoing, loves friends, kind of kid. Hmmmm.....lots of thinking to do. Thanks all.

[Tess in the Burbs]

Bring her home.  No reason you can't make it clear though that she can't bounce back and forth.  She needs to make a choice and stick to it for awhile. Like until high school and then revisit the idea of school.  

 

My ds hated school(he's never been to a B&M school) at 9 with a passion.  His hatred hasn't gotten better.  His attitude varies by day.  Imagine my shock this year when the compliant younger kid started saying SHE didn't like school. They chose what they wanted to study this year and some of the curriculum!!!!  I honestly think kids go through this hatred of school for varying reasons.  The bullying though?  As a parent I couldn't send my kid to a situation with that.  I would have to speak up.  (and I have in my dd's sport this year!)

 

Bring her home and find a good group of homeschool friends who will love her for who she is and not bully her  (HUGS)

[mytwomonkeys]

My daughter wanted to try public middle school this year & we let her. She is doing great! At anytime, however, should she want to come back home (especially due to bullying and crying every night) we would homeschool again without hesitation.

 

Bring your little girl home.

[DoppeltGemoppelt]

My initial response to the title of your post was to have your daughter stick it out until the end of the school year, and then decide on a year to year basis. HOWEVER, being bullied would be the number one reason for me to pull my kid, immediately! I was bullied in school for two years and to this day it leaves me feeling socially crippled and gives me major anxiety when I have to attend certain social events. So my advice: Pull her out now!

You'll have to deal mostly with her attitude towards schooling then. Creating a good work habit will take time and probably aggravation on both sides, but your little daughter is worth it. Please don't let her suffer through bullying in school.

[Paige]

I'd bring her home today!

[briansmama]

I would absolutely pull her out. I feel for her! I can't believe the school tried to blame her for being bullied.

[MysteryJen]

I would bring her home. When I was in 4th grade, a teacher refused to recommend me for GT because I didn't pay close enough attention to her regular class. You will not win with that teacher.

 

And kids do not need to have mean kids or bullies in their daily lives any more than adults do.

 

 

[Chris in VA]

I'd bring her home. 

 

Even if you got the admin on board re the bullying, they can't stop it. 

They can't. 

It will happen in whispers, in exclusion on the playground, in little pushes no one will see. Even if they see it, they SEE it, so it already happened! No way to prevent it unless you get to the hearts of the kids, and that takes time and training, parental help, and societal change. 

 

Don't make your kid the guinea pig for anti-bullying that takes time to work and continues the damage until (or when if ever) it works--just get her the heck out of there. 

[...................]

Constant bullying is extremely detrimental to the growth and development of a child. Take her out now.

 

PS - once your child becomes the victim

Of this. It's a cycle difficult to stop. It gains momentum and stopping it is nearly impossible. I had a situation with our old sports group in FL. The coaches did not do enough and the parents didn't either. My daughter was coming home crying every week b/c of this one boy and I wanted her to learn to be tough, but the more she stood her ground the worse it became abd a lot of it was very passive aggressive. My son was witnessing some of it whole thing but he wasn't there to protect her b/c he was in a different group.

 

I took her out and actually saw her become more cheerful, happy and confident overnight!!! She hugged and hugged me and thanked me. I knew that I had waited too long.

 

And that was only 4 hours per week. I can't imagine a child dealing with it all day every day.

[kolamum]

Where we live if you choose to homeschool or put your child in school you are asked to follow it through for a term to give everyone a chance to adjust & be sure the choice was right. After that you are free to do what you want. HOWEVER, if your child is miserable, I'd do what you felt was absolute best for her. I'd struggle with a child who is crying each night about going to school, but I'd also be worried about her being terrified of going back should she wish to return one day for any reason..

[Haiku]

what if she goes right back to bad attitude 

 

Then she does. Lots of kids in ps have a bad attitude, too. It's just something you have to deal with. Imo, where she gets her education shouldn't be dependent on her attitude, and if she is being bullied, she shouldn't stay in that environment regardless of her attitude while homeschooling.

 

 

 

and thinks she can just go back and forth as she pleases.

 

You are the parent, and you get to make the decision where she receives her education. She can only go back and forth if you let her.

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

So, next you'll need to start a thread and think about how you can bring her home without re-creating the dynamic that led you to send her to school in the first place. :D

This.  If she is a gifted child, she is going to need stimulation.  Without it, she is going to fight you.  I would definitely give her free rein with some subjects, while requiring her to do other subjects that she might not like so much but needs.  

[PeterPan]

 

So, next you'll need to start a thread and think about how you can bring her home without re-creating the dynamic that led you to send her to school in the first place. :D

 

 

...am afraid what if she goes right back to bad attitude and thinks she can just go back and forth as she pleases.

 

 

 

 

This.  If she is a gifted child, she is going to need stimulation.  Without it, she is going to fight you.  I would definitely give her free rein with some subjects, while requiring her to do other subjects that she might not like so much but needs.  

Bingo.  We make homeschooling sound pretty top-down on the boards and it really comes across that way in WTM.  You probably need to make some changes in your *own* expectations about how things work, how much input she has, etc.  If she's that bright and that gifted, she doesn't need this uber top-down approach that treats her like an idiot.  People with brains want to think and usually have OPINIONS.  It's what comes with the territory.  Learn to work with her.  

 

And yes, I'd pull her out as soon as legally advisable, because it doesn't sound like the administration either has your values or is committed to anything good for her.  The profoundly gifted have a totally different developmental curve, so being behind socially could be normal for her and certainly should not be a reason to keep her out.  They don't want what's good for her and you do, so make the choice, do the hard thing.  Nobody said this would be easy.  

 

It's one thing to homeschool because it was some romantic idea you had about how great it would be, how sweet it would be with the kids cuddled around you, blah blah.  It's another thing to do it when you're backed in a corner and you realize there AREN'T other good options and that no one at the school will take the time and expend the energy to do what's necessary for them to blossom.  It was a hurdle I personally had to get over, when I realized this wasn't going to be what I thought...

[Twilight Woods]

We pulled my 7th grader out in September due to the bullying issues she has had since 4th grade. Her anxiety never got better only worse. Do not wait. I wish I had done it sooner. 

 

Amazingly she has not had any stomach issues since being home. She misses her friends but she says she does not miss school at all. 

[OneStepAtATime]

I agree with the other posters here, pull her out before real damage is done to her self-esteem.  The school attitude, while awful, is actually not that unusual in today's day and age.  I waited to pull  my youngest out of school, even though I saw signs that he was really starting to suffer, crying, having nightmares, etc and I should never have waited.  The scars he carries from an incredibly toxic several months in 2nd grade have lessened over time but will probably never completely go away.  I wish with all my heart I had listened to my mommy instincts sooner.

 

 I also agree with coming up with an overall plan before doing so (and making certain there are no legal issues), and making certain you are all on the same page with expectations.  Write it down, come up with goals together, both short and long term.  Ask her what HER goals are for school.  See if she has even really thought about it.  You may also need a bit of a detox period.  I would also suggest reading a couple of things such as Building Resilience in Children and Teens (Giving Kids Roots and Wings) by Kenneth R. Ginsberg. Great insights in this book and I recommend it to anyone with a pre-teen especially.  It might help you both come up with a workable plan.  It isn't written to homeschoolers, it is written to parents in general, but still has some great points for homeschoolers in particular.  I think all parents should read it.

 

I have been in your shoes regarding resistance to learning and I know it isn't easy.  Motivation makes all the difference in whether a child is truly learning and whether a parent burns out.  My daughter is 13 and we were having a lot of resistance in certain areas.  She was just not feeling positive about learning and it was becoming very wearing to teach her.  Several things really turned it around.  First, after responses on this board, I separated her from her brother in the subject of History.  They just have vastly different interests and personalities.  Once I showed her I was genuinely interested in giving her a chance to find her own path in this subject, her interest level jumped 10 fold.  We are working out the kinks in curriculum, still, but she is already studying more things on her own just because her own wishes are being respected (while I still make it clear that we have over all goals that must be met for the year).  

 

Second, she had hated typing and was really hard to deal with in getting lessons done.  She never refused, but was so sour and miserable about it, the whole thing was really draining.  I finally sat down with her and asked her to analyze what the problem was.  I didn't get a useful response at first but after she finally realized I wasn't judging her, or criticizing her or complaining, but genuinely wanted to know why she was so resistant, she finally admitted that she felt rushed and that she wasn't ready to move on as quickly as I was making her (even though I thought we were already going pretty slow).  I apologized for not really communicating with her on what my goals were and why, and monitoring more closely to see if those goals were truly realistic for her.  I told her I trusted her judgement and would allow her to determine when she was ready to go on to the next lesson as long as she agreed to practice typing every day to keep improving.  She agreed.  She practiced every day for 3 weeks, and 9 times out of 10 i did not have to remind her to do so.  Many times, she was already on the computer before I even came downstairs to start the day.  Finally, one day I came down and she had a huge grin on her face.  She told me she had passed the final challenge part and knew she was ready to move on to the next lesson.  She took control of her own pacing and it gave her the confidence and motivation she needed to care about learning again.

 

I also started giving her a checklist of everything she is supposed to complete each day and each week, including chores, so she knows how much she has to do, how much is left, etc and knows she can trust that once it is all done I will not randomly pile more on because she got done early.  That has actually helped both of my kids.  In fact, this morning my daughter got up at 6am and was started at 630 with school stuff because she had a drama performance with our co-op this evening.  She decided she had better get done with everything she could before noon so she would have time to run her lines, eat a snack, take a walk, rest a bit, etc. before time to go.  I already had the lists out so she got everything she could do independently done first then asked me to work with her on the rest as soon as I got downstairs.  She was done with everything, including chores, by 10:45am.  What a difference a little motivation makes!   :)  Wish there were a pill or a spray we could administer for instant motivation!  Boy, would life be easier!   :)

 

 I don't know if any of that helps.  I know this is a difficult situation.  Good luck.