Advice needed-having another child when kids are older

[Homebody2]

My husband and I are really serious about having a third child.  I'm getting older, so this will be the last child for us.  I am very excited about the possibility.  I've done a great deal of thinking about how to adjust our lifestyle to accommodate a new baby.  I know it will be crazy, but I also know that craziness does tone down as time passes.  

 

I thought I was ready for this, but then yesterday I started thinking about what our life might be like 5 years from now.  Our kids are 7 and 5 and very close.  They have a great relationship.  I know they would be great siblings and would very much love having a little brother or sister.  But I wonder about the new child.  He/she will be so far apart in age from the other two (5 years), and I'm not sure how I feel about that.  When our kids are 10 and 12, the new child will be 5. They will be in such different places!  

 

My husband and I both have one sibling, close in age.  We can relate to the dynamic of our kids being 2 years apart.  I just have no idea what the dynamic might be with another child being so far apart in age from the other 2.  Will the younger one be lonely?  Will he or she feel like an only child at times, especially when the older two are older and move out?  Will this be difficult for us (and me) to be in such different developmental stages?  Or am I just thinking about this WAY too much? 

 

I know it's an odd question, but I'd really love to hear from some of you who have kids in these same age ranges.  I've been reading these boards for about three years now (only recently started posting) and I know I'll get lots of advice from you all.  I just need some perspective, I guess.  Thanks in advance!

 

 

 

[kroe1]

My two are 20 years apart and are very close. My DS was DD's nanny for 5 years which helped cement the relationship. My own siblings are close in age and I never see or speak with them. I am not sure age has so much to do with it rather than compatibility.

[Carrie12345]

Most of my kids are just under 4 years apart, so clearly there are some big age gaps for each of them. They all play, fight, argue, and get along with the furthest AND closest in age. It's never been an issue for us. Well, okay, monitoring belongings with tiny or fragile pieces can be an issue, lol. That's about it.

[AK_Mom4]

My older three were 10, 8, and 6 when little DD was born.

 

DS21 called from school last night just to chat.  We all talked to him, including DD12.  He encouraged her to stick with the math and try not to get frustrated because it was still reviewing concepts. She told him about her latest social event - a birthday party at a friend's house.  I finally had to take back the phone so the rest of us could get a word in before he had to go. Over the summer DS21 and his girlfriend took DD12 to several movies and bowling.  They always make a point of including her on all the fun stuff they do during DS21's breaks.

 

DD19 taught DD12 to play saxophone, to do her hair and helped care for her when DD12 was little.  She helps her choose clothes when shopping. 

 

DS17 enjoys getting to play "big brother" for DD12 - he was always the "little one" of the older three.  They get along really well most days (though of course he thinks we spoil her - while he spoils her himself too.....)

 

[catz]

Honestly, I think having siblings assuming they're going to be friends based on age or not is silly to me. My brother and I are 18 months apart. We live less than an hour apart, and never see each other. I have a neighbor with 5 siblings, and she's closest to the one 12 years older than her. My kids are 4 years apart, and they have opposite genders. They actually get along really well most of the time (they do have their moments). I have no expectations about what their relationship will be like as adults - so much depends on their adult choices. Like my brother's wife doesn't value getting together with our family, hence our relationships have suffered. I really think if the adults are comfortable with the spacing, the kids will be and their relationships with each other will be better for it. My parents were stressed having 2 kids very close together and my brother and I were competing for attention constantly.

 

If you're open to another baby and have the means - go for it!

[magnificent_baby]

My sister's kids are 16 and 11 years apart from their toddler sister. Though she was a surprise, she brings so much joy to their family. It has been such a positive experience for them and even my own kids, as we watched her the first few years of her life. My kids have learned so much about caring for babies and they love her so much. It really softened their hearts for little ones. I am so glad I babysat her, since mine are all so close in age, they do not remember having infant siblings around the house. 

[Desert Strawberry]

You are overthinking this. 7 years is not a wide span.

My oldest and youngest are 8.5 years apart. We're hoping for another in a year or 2. That would be 11 or 12  year span. My kids all get along well. My oldest is very close with all of the younger ones. It's my second child who is prickly with his brothers. We're working on that. 

My husband and I come from families with larger age spans, so it doesn't seem odd to us.

It will be different. There will be difficult years (we are having one now), when everyone seems to be in a different place. But it will all work out. 

I had heard about the joy of watching an older kid with a baby, but I didn't understand it until I had my third. He really was(is) so invested in everything Jay does. I love them both more because they love each other.

[Tap]

 

 Will the younger one be lonely?  Yes, sometimes.  Especially if the older two are close emotionally. It is hard to be the odd man out all the time.  The older kids will have vastly different boundaries in the neighborhood, be allowed to stay up later, make more choices on thier own, be allowed to do things the younger one will not be able to do.  Depending on the child's personality this can be very difficult, or no big deal.  You just don't know how they will be until they get there.

 

 Will he or she feel like an only child at times, especially when the older two are older and move out?  YES! For good and bad. If the older kids move out at 18,19yo  this child will be raised as an only child for most of their teen years, and if your teens are very active in outside activities, maybe even younger. 

 

Will this be difficult for us (and me) to be in such different developmental stages?  Yes.  Vacations that incorporate all the kids will be hard and the parent will find them selves split up quite a bit.  If you new little one is easy going and like to go to the older kids activities, it may be fine to have them tag along, but not all are that way.  Some kids will only nap in a quiet house, some can nap on a blanket at a soccer game...again don't know until you get there.  

 

Or am I just thinking about this WAY too much? Yes.  You are.  But they are good questions.  

 

I have had negative experiences with that much of an age gap.  I know there are other families who it worked out great for, but the problem is, you never know what the personality of the younger child is going to be.  I will tell you my side of it, but realize that it hasn't worked out for us, and I greatly regret the negative impact that having such an age gap has made on our family.  You could have a wonderful experience! 

 

 

 

 I am the baby of two blended families, 9 kids in all.  I was raised in a home with 4 siblings and they are 6-12 years older than I am.  When I was little, the older kids helped babysit me when they were young teens and since I was pretty easy going, they allowed me to tag along.  Once I was about 10yo, I was pretty  much an only child.  Most of my siblings were gone and only one sister remained.  I displaced her as the baby of the family and she always openly resented that. She was 16 and didn't want a 10yo tagging along anymore so she actively pushed me away.  My siblings were close in age (4 kids in 6 years) and then there was me.  I have never been close to my siblings.  My two older sisters were and still are buddies, then my 3rd sister and brother were buddies and still are. I never had a 'buddy' relationship with a sibling.  I was too much younger for them to be a friend.  We have never been in the same stage of life and have very different ways of raising kids so even now, we don't have common ground.  

 

In my current home:

DD6 is 8 years younger than my daughter and 12 years younger than my son.  She is my great niece and we only thought we were fostering her as a baby (came to us at 5mo), but my niece didn't pull her life together so we are her permanent family now.  It is VERY hard to have such an age difference, but she is also has Aspergers so that adds complications.  She is NOT flexible, and has demanding behaviors.  Her needs are expensive and time consuming.  My older kids had to greatly change their life style to accommodate her.   Things like..we used to be THE house to play at for the older kids in the neighborhood.  We always had sleepovers and big parties.  DD14 can't even have friends to the house now because of dd6s issues. DD6 interjects herself into any activity my older kids are doing and is obnoxious about it.  DD14 only lets a couple of very close friends come to the house who are aware of dd6s issues and who she thinks can handle her.  DD14 wanted to have a birthday sleepover so we rented a hotel, just so she wouldn't have to deal with dd6 being there.  

 

A few examples:

 

Vacations are taken separately.  Things that are appropriate for dd14 and 19 are Not the same for dd6.  Dh and I usually split up and take them on age appropriate vacations.  Dh and I have not gone on a whole vacation together since dd6 came along.  In fact most nights, we are not together as a family.  Someone is with dd6 at home or her activities, and someone is taking the older kids to, or attending older kids events. DH and I have not been to an older kid activity together since dd6 was a baby. (Even then, One person always had to leave early with dd6 so we stopped bothering to even try)

 

If dh is out of town for work, I can only stay at DD14s volleyball game for 1/2 of a game because dd6 is too impatient and can't entertain herself that long.   

 

Dd6 is horrible for my kids to babysit and throws Huge tantrums.  They can not be left alone with her for more than 15 minutes or she explodes in violent outbursts. So the idea of family babysitters...no happening here.

 

DD14 greatly resents dd6, and would do a happy dance if she went back to her bio-parents.  DD14 tries to hide her feelings from dd6, but is open with me about it.  I know from being that little kid, that dd6 will start figuring it out soon enough and I see the cycle of indifference between them being very similar to what I felt in my own family.   There is very little bond between them.  More like cousins, definitely not sisters!  It has nothing to do with bio-kid vs adopted.  It is dd6's personality and age that drives this wedge. 

 

 

ETA: my bio-kids are just over 4years apart and boy/girl. They are emotionally close and while the age difference has led to them having very different friends/activities but they were flexible and it was easy to make accommodations.  They have never been buddy/buddy with playing together though.  DIfferent personalities and the 4 years difference made the interests too far apart for that to happen.  Maybe as they get older, but not yet.

[MomtoCandJ]

My dds will be five years apart. My youngest brother and I are five years apart and have a close relationship, now the brother between us.... He was the instigator of his own beatings.

[zoobie]

My oldest two are 22 months apart and were 8 and 9 when the baby was born. The oldest are amazingly close. They both adore their baby sister too, but of course it's a different relationship. DH and I are on the fence about a 4th even though it may not be the best decision health wise. The olders keep worrying aloud if baby will be lonely because they never are. Then I see other sibling pairs who do NOT get along at all as children and wonder if we could get 18 years of squabbling...

 

It's been great having a baby again. I'm so much more relaxed and am enjoying the baby-ness more than just surviving it. It's a total PITA, don't get me wrong! And it makes traveling, activities, everything more difficult. It's a hard decision!

[ashfern]

I'm in that position now. I don't really worry too much about it. I have 2 siblings. One is 18 mo older than me and the other is 5 yrs younger than me. I am closer to the younger sibling as we have more in common as adults.

[Spryte]

Our kids are 22, 9, and 2.

 

They are very close, especially the 9 yo and 2 yo, because those ate the two still at home. All visits home by the college kid are breathlessly awaited.

 

They love each other where they are, for who they are. They don't have to be at the same stage of life to be close. Those age differences will seem to shrink as they become adults anyway, and that will be the majority of their lives.

 

DH is 12 yrs older than his little sister. They are close. My brother is 8 yrs older than I am ... We are not close, per se, but as close as we can be for two radically different people.

 

 

ETA: that is the most hysterical typo! I just can't edit it out. It should have said "are" but I phone typing and said my kids ate each other!!

[Jenn121]

I am currently expecting my 3rd. I have two girls and they will be 13 and 6 when this one comes. So as you can see all our children are spaced pretty far apart. There are challenges with the different activities with the different ages but it works. They love each other and are very excited that they are having a new sibling.

 

 

[AHASRADA]

My dc were 14 and 10 when our baby girl was born.  Yes, it was a huge adjustment, and I don't know how their different ages and stages will pan out as they grow older (they are ~17, 13 and ~3 now).  So far, homeschooling has been tough with a baby/toddler, something we hadn't experienced before.  I feel pulled in completely different directions, making sure my big kids have social opportunities and transportation to activities, etc., while keeping the LO entertained with preschool projects, etc.  I had been relishing in the fact that I could send my dc off to play and have quiet time to chat with my friends, etc. at get-togethers, now I have a toddler to chase.

 

That said, she has been an enormous blessing to our family.  My big kids love her so much, are so kind and gentle with her, and really take an interest in her care and development.  I was an only child and had absolutely no experience with babies when I had mine.  My kids have had serious on the job training, so not only will they know what they are getting into if and when they decide to have children, but they will be well-prepared too.  My dd13 is constantly talking about how she can't wait to take her little sis to the mall, etc. once she has her license, and hopes that when she has children, her little sis will help out babysitting them just as she did.  She is imagining being a fun big sis, a mentor and a confidante.  This is my hope as well.

 

There will definitely come a time when little dd will be an "only child" in the house, and that does make me a little sad, only because she will have known living with siblings, and then they will be gone.  Since we homeschool, we are all together all the time, so there is always someone to give her attention and share caring for her.  It probably will be hard for her to be the only kid in the house after that.  Still, we don't know where the big kids will end up in adulthood, they could stay in the same area and continue a close relationship.

 

My dh has a little sister 12 years younger than him, and he left home when she was 6, so she basically grew up without him. They have still become very close as adults and have a great time together, talk several times a week, etc.

 

Sometimes it is overwhelming to think that I am about to start homeschooling all over again as I prep my eldest for the SATs, but I am also excited to have a chance at a "do-over", to use all the experience I gained while teaching and raising the elder ones.  Having a toddler is tough, but it is a lot easier when you've "been there, done that" and have a clear grasp of the full cycle of child-rearing.  While I don't have the freedom I did when the big kids were getting old enough to be left home alone, they are now old enough to stay home alone with little dd, so I can at least go grocery shopping by myself or go on a date with dh.  It's challenging to have kids in such completely different stages, but it's much easier than having two little ones (and no helpers!).

 

There are a lot of things to consider, but the truth, as other PPs have said, is that there is no way to determine ahead of time how each of your children will react and adapt to their circumstances within the family, and that has as much to do with each of their personalities as their age gap.  Think through the aspects you do have some control over (how your schedule, finances, homeschooling, etc.) will be affected depending on when and if you have another child, and don't worry about the variable stuff.

 

Good luck with your decision! 

[Maus]

mine are almost 11, almost 9, and 3 1/2. yes, there are challenges; yes, she is sometimes left out and overlooked a bit; yes, entertaining her while the older two do school is challenging. but there are also advantages. the oldest is responsible enough to watch her while I run to the store, and I spend less time and less money when I shop alone. the oldest adores her, most of the time. unlike his other sister, the little one shares his love of trains.

 

overall, it's working for us. no signs anyone is going to be scarred for life because of it, which is the big thing, isn't it? :-)

 

( Sorry, my phone is quite random about picking up capital letters...)

[Hwin]

Mine are not that close in age  (5, almost 6 years) but they still have a lot of fun together. I actually wanted the greater gap for many reasons. 

[FaithManor]

Hmmm...I don't know if age is necessarily the main factor because there is lot to be said for family dynamic and how you approach it.

 

That said,

 

My sister is 13 years younger than I am so 5 and 7 years younger is just nothing to me in comparison. She and I are very, very close. We were not that way when she was a baby/toddler. I was given an immense responsibility for her since my mom had some postpartem depression, and it was a little overwhelming. So, I endured her babyhood, and then my parents who had always been really good parents with me, were so permissive with her...oh the little dear...you know...the special snowflake syndrome that we talk about here on the boards. She was a bit of a monster. But, through her teen years that all evened out and we grew close.

 

My brother is 17 years older than she and a high school senior when she was born then off to college and married life of his own. They are siblings mostly in name only. Not that they do not care about one another, but they really did not bond and today, if they speak for more than 5 or 10 minutes once per year, then they've had a really good year!

 

Our eldest is 6 years older then the next child and 9 older than the youngest. They have all been close. But, we were very careful not to make her the "parentified child". So, maybe that had something to do with it. I don't know.

 

I do know that my dad and his older sister are each 9 and 11 years older than their sister and there really isn't any closeness. From what I can tell, this may have a lot more to do with my grandparents' actions than age difference.

 

So, that was really helpful, wasn't it? :D

[gardenmom5]

five years is a big gap?   ummm, no, it's not.

 

My youngest was born the year 1dd graduated from college.  the next youngest was 12 1/2.  dudeling is now eight.

 

everyone (all teens and up when he was born) took turns supervising him.  everyone has fun with him.  there were times we did family activities that we got a babysitter because taking a toddler to an adult appropriate movie doesn't work.  but if it was a kids movie for a five year old it would have been fine.

 

he has a great relationship with most of his siblings - and they enjoy him.  he looks forward to seeing them when they come.  they will take him with them when they run errands.  (and are no longer phased by people thinking he's "theirs".)

 

If you want another -have another.  any difficulties by age will be gone sooner than you think.   I know one woman who "planned" on her kids to be four years apart.  (she said she liked that then they wouldn't get married at the same time.  they did.)

 

 

eta: my brother, sister and I are all about 2 - 3 years apart.  none of us is close to the other, and the relationships are tense.  I totally blame it on our parenting.  it is more about that, than age.   my fil's sister was 18 when he was born. she was angry he was a boy - she was supposed to get a sister.  nevertheless, she eventually looked at him and fell in love and they had a close relationship - even though she married and moved away.

 

 

 

[Catherine]

My olders were 8 and 4 1\2 when their younger brother was born. All are boys. Right now, I have a 20 yo, 16 yo and 12 yo-I only teach the 12 yo. They have generally gotten along well, with the younger 2 being very close until about 2 years ago, when middle went through puberty and stopped "playing" very much. right about then, eldest "rejoined the family" after a very, very long hiatus and now he and the 12 yo are very close. Another posted described her oldest taking his 12 yo sister with his GF out to movies-ds did this last summer. He and his Gf have been very kind and welcoming to little ds, which absolutely charms me and makes me SO happy. I see them all growing together in the years to come as they grow up and it is such a wonderful feeling.

[happypamama]

My kids range from 11 down to 4 weeks, with 2-3 years in between them all, so I can't comment specifically on the large gap, but I can say that my oldest is particularly close to my 2yo, despite the age difference. It's also much easier having a baby when you have older kids, because they dote on the baby and are such good helpers. Plus they are able to do things like take themselves to the bathroom and get their own drinks.

 

Of course, babies are portable, so the bigger consideration, in my opinion, is that you'll be hauling/chasing/entertaining a toddler and then a preschooler at the big kids' events. Sometimes that is annoying.

 

But I think you'll regret not doing it more than doing it.

[Jann in TX]

I have a big gap.  Oldest 2 are now 23 and 20 (2.5 yrs apart).  They are like night and day but are surviving (as roommates) sharing a house for the second year.  They were very close until puberty then started becoming friends again about 3 years ago when dd2 left home first.

 

Youngest dd is 12 years younger than dd1 and 9 years from dd2.  Youngest dd has been a blessing, but she is a totally different child than her sisters-- and parenting her is very different.  Planning family activities was a bit tricky during the toddler years. Oldest 2 were homeschooled, youngest goes to PS (best choice for our family right now).  She is more social and we live out in the middle of "nowhere".

 

DH is 10 years younger than his brother-- as adults they became friends.  DH has no relationship with his sister (9 yrs older).

 

I do NOT have the energy that I did with my older two.  I regret that part.

 

 

[weddell]

We are in the same boat as you. I have a just-turned-8yo and an almost 5 yo. I'm hoping to get pregnant this winter. I think it will be a hard adjustment but I'm hopeful it will work out. I'm 8 years older than my sister and 12 older than my brother. We all get along great. I text/talk to my sister frequently and although I'm not as close to my brother we get along well and make a point to see each other when we can. When we are all together we have a great time. So I'm choosing to think the best of it. Whether that will happen is a different story.

[happyhomemaker]

I think siblings getting along is more about personality than age. With each one you have, it's a roll of the die as to how that child will interact with the others and vice versa no matter the spacing.

 

My younger brother and sister were 20 months apart and fought like cats and dogs. I am 7 yrs older than my youngest sister. We weren't close growing up, but we are very close now. My mother is close with her sister (15 months apart) and her brother (12 years apart). I really don't see age as the factor in relationships going well or not.

 

It will be hard as far as activities go. Thankfully, we were blessed with a fairly easy-going child so we can cart her around to various events with no problem. But sometimes we can't go to stuff bc of nap time or she's just had enough for one day and will melt down if we have another event. There's a give and take there between her needs as a little one and the needs of the big kids. Every family just has to find their own balance, and you will too.

[higginszoo]

I have a cluster of three kids in a barely 2 1/2 year span, and then baby sister is 4 years younger.  They're 15, 14, 12 1/2 and 8 1/2 right now.  Sometimes, she does seem like an only, sometimes she can't do things that the olders can/want to do, and sometimes she or they resent it.  But there was a lot more help with my littlest when she was a baby.  She has learned a lot just by osmosis, being around the other kids.  For the most part, they really do get along well.  My youngest is the neediest as far as attention and energy, and I think that no matter the spacing or the birth order, she would be the one that the other personalities in the family would have the most difficult time meshing with.

 

There are advantages and disadvantages to any spacing, I think.  The closer they are, the more they have each other, but there are times when things get blurred between one child and another.  With a wider spacing, you can focus on each child as an individual, but then again you HAVE to focus on each child as an individual.

 

You just go with what you've got.  My childhood best friend has a 19 year old, a 13 1/2 year old, an 8 year old and a 5 year old.  So her older two have really been like onlies in many ways, while her younger two are closer.  But they all get along well, and the olders have always been a great help with the youngers and loved having them around.  The oldest spent a year at a local community college last year, before transferring to a four year school this year.  She got some great pictures of him and her 8 year old as he left for college, and baby sister's sad face was priceless.  They really do have good sibling relationships, even with a 14 year span.

 

However it ends up happening, it all seems to have a way of working out.  In my experience, the individual personalities seem to have a lot more to do with sibling dynamics than the spacing.  In my family of origin, my cousins' and my dh's, there are three dc with similar spacing.  In my family, it was always the middle one who had a difficult time with the other two.  In dh's family, it's the youngest sister who has the conflicts while the other two have always gotten along well with each other.  In any case, none of the family relationships are overwhelmingly negative, just some easier and some require more work.  

[lynn]

My older 2 were thrilled to have a baby brother.  The problem came in when the older 2 went to co-op together and baby boy went by himself to a Mother's Day Out.  the older 2 went to summer camp together and baby boy went home with us.  The older 2 went to VBS together and baby boy went to the other building with the preschoolers   That was hard and something to consider.  However,  baby boy and my  middle son are very close.  they are now 18 and 13 and have a good relationship.   things are changing fast as middle ds is in college, working and has a girlfriend.   Having several years difference can be difficult  at time for baby boy was lonely at time but I would not change our decision for anything.  It all works out.

[Mbelle]

I had a baby last year.  My older two were 12 and 10.  They just love him! He brings such joy to our family.  I am over 40, but we do hope for another simply because I think he will be lonely.  He already doesn't like it when they head out to do other activities.   Generally, we don't let babies slow us down with travel.  I love to travel. LOVE.  Now, money is what slows us down! LOL

I am seeing that my homeschoolers will likely outsource a few more classes in high school.  My oldest is taking an outside science class locally this year and I like it.  She also takes an on line class. That helps keep us focused and takes a little pressure off of me, but I do still check her work and make sure she is understanding everything.

[lllll]

..

[Homebody2]

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies.  I really appreciate you taking the time to share your own experiences.  You have given us a lot to think about!  I'm still not sure in which direction we're headed, but I feel better since I've now gained a bit more perspective.  Thank you!

[lea_lpz]

I'm expecting and my kids will be all be almost 10, 7, & 5 when baby is born. They were all born in just a couple days over 5 years. They are really close. I wonder about how he or she will feel. The kids are all excited about the baby and I know will lavish baby with lots of love, but I expect the relationship to be different than that of what my oldest 3 have. I would like to have another one as that is an option for me (I started young) but dh is on the fence about having anymore after this. It's hard call. I think there will be some great aspects for the youngest child's relationship with his or her older siblings but I think a peer sibling relationship is important too. I have siblings who are much older, 8 & 10 years, but as adults we still don't have that type of relationship. I don't know why, but I will always be "little sis". My dh has a similar experience with his sister who is 12 years older than him but not his sister who is 6 years older. Go figure?

 

I think a lot of it will have to with how you foster a close bond and respect among siblings.