What exactly am I supposed to do when I find

[jen3kids]

an empty box of condoms in my just turned 16 year old ds room?  I'm trying not to freak out.  He is currently away at camp so I've got a week to figure this all out.  Dh is away on business so I cannot talk to him about it.

 

Plus, I have my suspicions that he's at least tried marijuana - sigh - this is too much to process all at once.

[unsinkable]

I'm not quoting you in case you change your mind.

 

Does he have a steady girlfriend?

 

Could he have been practicing how to put them on? Sounds lame but you never know!

 

How far away is camp? Could you go talk to him?

 

(((jen)))

[jelbe5]

Hugs. I would think the worst but hope for the best . . .

 

Probably time for a family talk and hope for honesty. And perhaps some rules/expectations such as no sex or drug use in my house . . .

 

Do you think it could be a symptom of bigger issues? Could counseling help? More hugs . . .

 

ETA since he is at camp you have some time to process and put a plan in place.

 

Could he have taken the items with, leaving the empty box behind as a "just in case" for camp?

[Trish]

Can DH not be contacted on this business trip?

 

I'm assuming you've had talks with him concerning birth control. So...is this not what you would've expected him to do when he became sexually active?

[Onceuponatime]

The one thing I would not do is go to camp to talk to him about it. The humiliation and mortification of having your mother come and talk to you about something that could be addressed later, while you are with your peers, would not be forgotten or forgiven quickly. I know that much.

 

As for what to say when he does get home, you have my sympathies. I'm not sure what I would say.

[unsinkable]

 

The one thing I would not do is go to camp to talk to him about it. The humiliation and mortification of having your mother come and talk to you about something that could be addressed later, while you are with your peers, would not be forgotten or forgiven quickly. I know that much.

 

As for what to say when he does get home, you have my sympathies. I'm not sure what I would say.

 

Hmmm.

 

I would think that it would be possible, depending upon the type of camp, to talk to those in charge and ask to talk to your child privately. It doesn't have to be a big ordeal with all his peers present or even aware.

[kewb]

I like to believe that I will be able to take a step back and breathe a  sigh of relief that he is protecting himself from STDs and pregnancy. Then I would pat myself on the back for a job well done in teaching the importance of not relying on the girl to provide birth control and protecting himself.

 

The reality is I would probably have a major freakout with dh (who would remind me of the above mentioned things).  Tell me about what he was doing at that age and to remember he is not a baby.  Then we would come up with an action plan on how/who to discuss this when he returns from camp.

 

And I definitely would not bring it to camp-privately or not-the only thing ds will get out  of the moment is "my mom was going through my stuff and possibly ruin a great experience."  It is a conversation that can wait until he returns.

[Jean in Newcastle]

The only reason I could think of to talk to him at camp is if you thought he was using them at camp.  

[Parrothead]

Depends on how you found them. We're you snooping? Or was this in the routine of daily business. Not that you should answer public ally.

 

Don't give him a reason to lie to you. You know he is (most likely) sexually active now. Hopefully there is a steady girl involved and he isn't just hooking up.

 

If there is a girl involved invite her over when he gets home. Have a frank discussion about the possibility of pregnancy, STDs, and respect. Let them know where you stand both religiously and as a home owner. Let them know about any rules you have about sex in your house.

 

If there isn't a steady girl the talk you have should include all of the above.

 

Good luck.

 

Oh, as for the drugs, yeah, that would require mandatory periodic spontaneous drug testing. I'm pretty sure you can get home kits to test for dope. Any violation would result in immediate loss of all privileges and drug counseling.

[Parrothead]

Oh, don't go to the camp. Talk about mortifying your kid.

[jen3kids]

I'm not quoting you in case you change your mind.

 

Does he have a steady girlfriend?

 

Could he have been practicing how to put them on? Sounds lame but you never know!

 

How far away is camp? Could you go talk to him?

 

(((jen)))

 

 

He's a Scout Camp, 3+ hours away.  I won't be going up there to confront him.  He's with a good group of kids and adults that I trust.  I'm 100% sure nothing sexual or illegal is going on there.  

 

He's had a girlfriend since Christmas, but as far as I know (and obviously I don't know much!) they have only seen each other at school, and he doesn't have any unexcused absences from school that would suggest he's been skipping class.  He does have a couple 'girls who are friends' in the area, but I can't imagine when he's been with them.  

 

However, he has taken a long time in getting home from school some days.  He's always said, and I believed him (no reason not to, until now) that they stopped to get burgers on the way home or that he walked his friends home the long way - completely plausible based on where they live.

 

I feel a bit sick.

[unsinkable]

nm

Edited July 16, 2013 by Moderator
Stay on topic instead of bickering with each other.

[jen3kids]

Can DH not be contacted on this business trip?

 

I'm assuming you've had talks with him concerning birth control. So...is this not what you would've expected him to do when he became sexually active?

 

If this was an emergency, then I wouldn't hesitate to contact dh, but there is nothing to be done while ds is at camp.  

 

And, yes, I would hope as a sexually active teen, he'd use condoms, but that doesn't make me ok with him being sexually active.

[Parrothead]

nm

Edited July 16, 2013 by Moderator
Don't react.

[jen3kids]

Depends on how you found them. We're you snooping? Or was this in the routine of daily business. Not that you should answer public ally.

 

Don't give him a reason to lie to you. You know he is (most likely) sexually active now. Hopefully there is a steady girl involved and he isn't just hooking up.

 

If there is a girl involved invite her over when he gets home. Have a frank discussion about the possibility of pregnancy, STDs, and respect. Let them know where you stand both religiously and as a home owner. Let them know about any rules you have about sex in your house.

 

If there isn't a steady girl the talk you have should include all of the above.

 

Good luck.

 

Oh, as for the drugs, yeah, that would require mandatory periodic spontaneous drug testing. I'm pretty sure you can get home kits to test for dope. Any violation would result in immediate loss of all privileges and drug counseling.

 

Not snooping per say - just putting his stuff away that he didn't put away before he left.  The empty box was tucked inside a folded up hoodie that I moved to make room for another one.

 

And I certainly won't be giving him a reason to lie.  I'll likely take what I found out of his room and talk to him about it when we're all home next week.   

[unsinkable]

nm

Edited July 16, 2013 by Moderator
Bicker, bicker, bicker.

[Catwoman]

I'm not sure why you can't talk to your dh about this. Business trips aren't 24/7, so there must be a way to contact him, right?

 

Doesn't he ever call to check in and see how you're doing?

 

I'm only saying this because I think you would probably feel better after discussing things with your dh.

[Parrothead]

nm

Edited July 16, 2013 by Moderator
Walk away.

[swellmomma]

Call dh on his business trip and make arrangements that when both he and you ds are back home they have a man to man talk.  This is one that if the opportunity is possible that this is a father/son discussion.  If your dh is going to be gone for a prolonged time then it is up to you.

The key is to be able to speak to him calmly without getting too emotional.  He will be mortified just that you found them, and you want him to stay open with you and not shut down.  I would speak honestly that you concerned that you found the empty box.  I would not jump to conclusions, likely yes he is being sexually active,but I wouldn't assume that right off.  I would ask questions, if it is found out that he is sexually active I would praise for using condoms.  I would lay out my concerns, and lay down my family rules (not under my roof basically).  But if he is going to be sexually active, he is, and I would rather he feel he can remain open with you than feel that there will be nothing but anger etc from you guys.

Now I became sexually active at 16.  And as much as I would like to think my kids won't be that young, I know that it is possible and I don't want to let my emotions on it cut out communications with them.

I would make a point of discussing the diseases that can still occur even with a condom and reminders about failures of condoms, but I would try my damnedest to do so clinically rather than as a worried mom.  kwim

[hillfarm]

First, be glad that if he is sexually active, that he is smart enough to take proper precautions. Because an STD or unwanted pregnancy are even more life changing than premarital sex.

 

Secondly, iirc from growing up with a brother, just because condoms are not in a box does not mean that they have been used. They may be decorating the wallets of half the teen guys he knows, more for show than any other purpose.

 

Don't freak out about the marijuana. What makes you suspect he is using it? It is fairly common for teens to try it. It may be a gateway drug, but in and of itself, IMO, I put in nearly on the level of alcohol or tobacco (the main difference being that it is illegal in most places). I knew a great many people who smoked pot during their teen years, some very heavily, and almost all of them have turned out to be great people, upstanding citizens and responsible parents.

 

Sit down with a cool drink and breathe. Certainly these are issues that need to be addressed. They are not things that are okay for a teen to be doing. Pray about it if you are a religious person. And then come up with a plan of action. Be mindful that over reaction may well worsen the problem. A friend of mine once said, "In any potentially controversial situation imagine that you are carrying two buckets toward a fire. One bucket is full of water and the other is full of gasoline. Which one should you throw to calm the situation?" Throwing "gas" may cause the situation to explode out of control, while pouring water could hopefully start a dialog that could lead to resolution of the problems.

 

You should talk with him and explain that your job is to see that he is as well prepared as possible to live an abundant and fantastic adult life and those two things could jeopardize that. You need to understand what is really going on and why and the two of you need to come up with a workable plan.

 

Regarding snooping, I guess I have a different opinion than most. If your "secrets" are hidden in a house that I pay for, in a closet or dresser I bought for you, under clothing I provide, (probably funded with money I have given you) and I am legally responsible for you, then I have every right to look where ever, whenever I darn well please. However, if you were just cleaning his room for him while he was gone, then I would be sure to mention that you accidentally came across these things while cleaning. I realize that teens are touchy about this issue and with so much on the table, there's nothing to be gained from adding a controversy over privacy to the mix. At the same time, don't let him distract you from the main issues by playing the "You invaded my space!" card. Because unless he has a job and his own house - he has no space.

 

I saw lots of things in more black and white while my dd was younger. However, now that she is 14yo, I can see that in terms of sex or drugs, the fact is that it is impossible to MAKE a teen do anything they really don't want to. Some of her friends have been incredibly ingenious about sneaking out, participating while away from home, or even partaking within, right behind their parents' backs. So rather than try to force compliance, I think it would be more likely to be successful if you talk about this openly and work together toward a solution rather than try to lay down laws that you can't actually enforce. He needs to change his heart toward the matter in order to stop it from continuing.

 

If you two generally have had a good relationship, then try hard to make him understand that you really want the best for him and that you can see trouble ahead for him based on your additional years of life experience that he probably can't see. Even if he doesn't comply, hopefully he will realize that you always wanted the best for him and later come back to your viewpoint or back to you for advice.

[unsinkable]

My DH weighed in...he said it might be a joke, that someone might have shoved it in your son's pocket or something.

 

So a man's POV.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:

 

 

I would not know exactly what to do.  I haven't had to go through something like this so far.

 

At least you have a couple of days before you see him to compose yourself and think of a rational way of responding.

 

Thinking about it I do know what I would do re. the condoms. If it was my boys I would remind them yet again about how super fertile my family is, and how exactly 2 of my brothers go their girlfriends pregnant using multiple contraceptives including condoms.

 

As for the drugs, I would completely flip out. I turn into a fanatical maniac regarding drug use. It is my hill to die on.

[Tammyla]

Stay calm and don't let your imagination drive you crazy; it's tough, but not the end of the world. 

 

Try to prepare yourself mentally for this discussion and what you want vs. what is best. 

 

If he is using them, that's better than not using them.  I would also want to ensure his partner was using another form of bc, because we all know these are not fail proof.

 

On the other other hand, they could be a camp-prank or as another poster suggested a test run for future use.

 

:grouphug: Big hug, I hope the conversation go well.  Dad might be a better conversation facilitator than mom.

[*Lulu*]

The only reason I could think of to talk to him at camp is if you thought he was using them at camp.

I would want to be able to be close at hand for awhile after we discussed the surprise find. If he is at camp and I am at home that would be hard.

[swellmomma]

I forgot to comment on the weed issue.  That one I would have a harder time with than the condoms.  In our case I would remind them of the neighbor boy who "only" used weed and ended up at 20 living in his momma's basement with no education and no job as a result.  Given my kids, especially my oldest and the addictive personality he has that would worry me much more than an empty box of condoms would.

[Melissa in Australia]

 

 

Don't freak out about the marijuana. What makes you suspect he is using it? It is fairly common for teens to try it. It may be a gateway drug, but in and of itself, IMO, I put in nearly on the level of alcohol or tobacco (the main difference being that it is illegal in most places). I knew a great many people who smoked pot during their teen years, some very heavily, and almost all of them have turned out to be great people, upstanding citizens and responsible parents.

 

 

I personally know may people who used dope and it has completely changed/ affected their lives in a very negative way, long term damage.

[BigMamaBird]

 

 

Secondly, iirc from growing up with a brother, just because condoms are not in a box does not mean that they have been used. They may be decorating the wallets of half the teen guys he knows, more for show than any other purpose.

 

 

Not to trivialize your concerns, but this.

 

When I was in high school someone got a hold of a box of condoms.  We weren't sexually active and they seemed so forbidden so we opened them up and goofed around with them.  Immature, I know.  We blew them up and let them go to fly at each other, tied one to a friend's radio antenna, put one on a banana, lots of giggling, really immature stuff.  But it was all innocent.  He may very well be using them for their intended purpose, but it could be just as likely not.

[katilac]

Well, I don't what you can say or do, really. If you and/or dad have been talking to him, and he knows his facts and knows your feelings, I don't know that I would even say, "Hey, son, I found an empty box of condoms in your hoodie, let's talk! You doing the deed, or just living the Boy Scout motto, or what?"

 

He may or may not be having sex. Really, all an empty box of condoms means is that he took the individual condoms out, not that he used them. It's very common for guys, no matter how remote the chance of sex, to carry a condom in their wallet. Street cred, y'know, even though I never knew any females who would allow a guy to use a condom they had been carrying in their wallet for god-knows-how-long.

 

He may well have been practicing - those things are tricky. He also may have bought them to use alone, for purposes of, ah, neatness and discretion at places like, oh say . . . camp.

 

Personally, I would probably have dh initiate another talk about safer sex and so on, without reference to you finding the empty box. I think it would be far more likely for him to talk (if there is something to talk about) in that situation, rather than using 'mom found your empty condom box' as a conversation starter. If they haven't been talking all along, this would really be a heck of a tricky time to start, though.

 

If he is having sex, well, what would you say? He's not likely to stop, and it appears he is already practicing safer sex. I'd freak out privately, I'm sure, but I'm not so sure I would try to confirm the specifics. Some things are intensely private, imo, and there is not much to be gained by trying to nail down suspicions.

[Melissa in Australia]

Not to trivialize your concerns, but this.

 

When I was in high school someone got a hold of a box of condoms.  We weren't sexually active and they seemed so forbidden so we opened them up and goofed around with them.  Immature, I know.  We blew them up and let them go to fly at each other, tied one to a friend's radio antenna, put one on a banana, lots of giggling, really immature stuff.  But it was all innocent.  He may very well be using them for their intended purpose, but it could be just as likely not.

I thought something along the lines of this as well.

[jen3kids]

I'm not sure why you can't talk to your dh about this. Business trips aren't 24/7, so there must be a way to contact him, right?

 

Doesn't he ever call to check in and see how you're doing?

 

I'm only saying this because I think you would probably feel better after discussing things with your dh.

 

I would feel better to talk to dh.  If he calls tonight, then I will talk to him about it.  He only left last night and he'll be back tomorrow night, so it's a super-short trip, but very intense - pretty much 24/7!    

 

Trust me, if it was a regular trip, I'd have been on the phone hours ago!

[jen3kids]

Call dh on his business trip and make arrangements that when both he and you ds are back home they have a man to man talk.  This is one that if the opportunity is possible that this is a father/son discussion.  If your dh is going to be gone for a prolonged time then it is up to you.

 

The key is to be able to speak to him calmly without getting too emotional.  He will be mortified just that you found them, and you want him to stay open with you and not shut down.  I would speak honestly that you concerned that you found the empty box.  I would not jump to conclusions, likely yes he is being sexually active,but I wouldn't assume that right off.  I would ask questions, if it is found out that he is sexually active I would praise for using condoms.  I would lay out my concerns, and lay down my family rules (not under my roof basically).  But if he is going to be sexually active, he is, and I would rather he feel he can remain open with you than feel that there will be nothing but anger etc from you guys.

 

Now I became sexually active at 16.  And as much as I would like to think my kids won't be that young, I know that it is possible and I don't want to let my emotions on it cut out communications with them.

 

I would make a point of discussing the diseases that can still occur even with a condom and reminders about failures of condoms, but I would try my damnedest to do so clinically rather than as a worried mom.  kwim

 

Yes, this is definitely a 'dad-to-son' talk, not that I'm squeamish about talking about it, but it's better coming from dad, I think.

 

My problem will be to stay emotionally calm.  I know I'll cry and that won't help.  I do understand that he could have them 'just to have them' or to practice and not be sexually active.  

[jen3kids]

First, be glad that if he is sexually active, that he is smart enough to take proper precautions. Because an STD or unwanted pregnancy are even more life changing than premarital sex.

 

Secondly, iirc from growing up with a brother, just because condoms are not in a box does not mean that they have been used. They may be decorating the wallets of half the teen guys he knows, more for show than any other purpose.

 

Don't freak out about the marijuana. What makes you suspect he is using it? It is fairly common for teens to try it. It may be a gateway drug, but in and of itself, IMO, I put in nearly on the level of alcohol or tobacco (the main difference being that it is illegal in most places). I knew a great many people who smoked pot during their teen years, some very heavily, and almost all of them have turned out to be great people, upstanding citizens and responsible parents.

 

Sit down with a cool drink and breathe. Certainly these are issues that need to be addressed. They are not things that are okay for a teen to be doing. Pray about it if you are a religious person. And then come up with a plan of action. Be mindful that over reaction may well worsen the problem. A friend of mine once said, "In any potentially controversial situation imagine that you are carrying two buckets toward a fire. One bucket is full of water and the other is full of gasoline. Which one should you throw to calm the situation?" Throwing "gas" may cause the situation to explode out of control, while pouring water could hopefully start a dialog that could lead to resolution of the problems.

 

You should talk with him and explain that your job is to see that he is as well prepared as possible to live an abundant and fantastic adult life and those two things could jeopardize that. You need to understand what is really going on and why and the two of you need to come up with a workable plan.

 

Regarding snooping, I guess I have a different opinion than most. If your "secrets" are hidden in a house that I pay for, in a closet or dresser I bought for you, under clothing I provide, (probably funded with money I have given you) and I am legally responsible for you, then I have every right to look where ever, whenever I darn well please. However, if you were just cleaning his room for him while he was gone, then I would be sure to mention that you accidentally came across these things while cleaning. I realize that teens are touchy about this issue and with so much on the table, there's nothing to be gained from adding a controversy over privacy to the mix. At the same time, don't let him distract you from the main issues by playing the "You invaded my space!" card. Because unless he has a job and his own house - he has no space.

 

I saw lots of things in more black and white while my dd was younger. However, now that she is 14yo, I can see that in terms of sex or drugs, the fact is that it is impossible to MAKE them do anything they really don't want to. They are incredibly ingenious about sneaking out, participating while away from home, or even partaking within, right behind your back. So rather than try to force compliance, I think it would be more likely to be successful if you talk about this openly and work together toward a solution rather than try to lay down laws that you can't actually enforce. He needs to change his heart toward the matter, in order to stop it from continuing.

 

If you two generally have had a good relationship, then try hard to make him understand that you really want the best for him and that you can see trouble ahead for him based on your additional years of life experience that he probably can't see. Even if he doesn't comply, hopefully he will realize that you always wanted the best for him and later come back to your viewpoint or back to you for advice.

 

Excellent post. Thank you so much!

[jen3kids]

:grouphug:

 

 

I would not know exactly what to do.  I haven't had to go through something like this so far.

 

At least you have a couple of days before you see him to compose yourself and think of a rational way of responding.

 

Thinking about it I do know what I would do re. the condoms. If it was my boys I would remind them yet again about how super fertile my family is, and how exactly 2 of my brothers go their girlfriends pregnant using multiple contraceptives including condoms.

 

As for the drugs, I would completely flip out. I turn into a fanatical maniac regarding drug use. It is my hill to die on.

 

Super fertile here too!  My brother got his girlfriend pregnant at age 19 and that did not turn out well for him.  

 

And, I only had to think about getting pregnant and boom!  Off the pill and 9 months later, welcome new baby!

[unsinkable]

Am I the only mom that talks about sex with her sons?

[Starr]

:grouphug:  Keep your sense of humor. You will all make it through this.

[jen3kids]

Not to trivialize your concerns, but this.

 

When I was in high school someone got a hold of a box of condoms.  We weren't sexually active and they seemed so forbidden so we opened them up and goofed around with them.  Immature, I know.  We blew them up and let them go to fly at each other, tied one to a friend's radio antenna, put one on a banana, lots of giggling, really immature stuff.  But it was all innocent.  He may very well be using them for their intended purpose, but it could be just as likely not.

 

 

I can totally see he and a few of his friends doing this - daring one another to buy a box at the drugstore and then 'playing' with them.  

[Starr]

Am I the only mom that talks about sex with her sons?

 

 

Lol    I think dh leaves it to me, being the nurse and all. ;)

[unsinkable]

 

 

Lol    I think dh leaves it to me, being the nurse and all. ;)

 

Phew...I was beginning to think I was the only one!

[jen3kids]

Am I the only mom that talks about sex with her sons?

 

 

Not at all.  I'm the one who does most of the sex talk with all 3 kids - dh only does when I make a point of asking him to.  

 

We've had many discussions about sex, condoms and stds.  Lots of info, lots of anecdotes, lots of 'Mom, I know!  Please no more.  I get it."    

[unsinkable]

 

 

:confused1:

 

 

Why would you jump to that conclusion?

 

because so many people said that it was a conversation to have with dad.

[Caroline]

Am I the only mom that talks about sex with her sons?

 

Nope. And after this thread, I just did it again at the dinner table. 

[hillfarm]

I personally know may people who used dope and it has completely changed/ affected their lives in a very negative way, long term damage.

 I agree that it certainly can, but I personally know many instances where it didn't.

 

That said, I consider alcohol and tobacco use to be just as problematic. I do know several alcoholics who started drinking in their teens, and who suffer severe effects into adulthood. Also, my beloved aunt is currently dying from cancer that the doctors agree was most likely due to her lifelong, heavy tobacco use.

 

In an ideal world, our children would not partake of any of these things. IMO, which ones happen to be legal in any given society or time is irrelevant. These are substances which alter clear thinking and/or compromise the user's health.

 

However, based on my personal experiences, I would not consider marijuana experimentation the same way I would heroin, cocaine, crystal meth use. Given the limited information from the op, it seems to me that a calm, more easygoing approach might be more productive in the current situation. So treating her son in a manner justified by heavy drug use when it seems likely that he may have just experimented with pot seems to me to be likely to inflame the situation and perhaps drive him further from her. I guess I should have suggested that her response be commensurate with the type and frequency of drug used.

 

Regarding the people I knew back in high school who used pot, as I said, many moved quickly through that phase or outgrew it along with their teen years. They now hold responsible positions within the community and are great people. I also knew a few people whose adult lives have not turned out well at all. Some of them did smoke pot, but not all. I think it is important to consider that pot may be attractive to people who already have motivational issues, not necessarily that it always creates the issues. One of the most squeaky clean, brainiac kids I knew still lives in his parents' basement and can't seem to put down the comic books and video junk long enough to hold a job. I don't think I ever saw him partake of drugs of any kind. It is a very complex issue and hard to pin on any one cause.

[texasmama]

Am I the only mom that talks about sex with her sons?

I do. I'm very comfortable with doing so. I do ask dh to discuss specific issues related to male plumbing because he has the plumbing.

 

OP, not knowing what your history is with your son of discussing sex, it is hard to give advice.

 

In my family, I'd likely wait for ds to return from camp and then privately and nonchalantly show him the box I found and sit quietly waiting for a response to the question I didn't have to ask. If I was the one who found the box, I'd likely be the one to bring it up with ds.

 

I do have a dd who turns 18 in a week, and we talk frankly. I tell her repeatedly that while she knows my views, feelings, beliefs on issues, I would ALWAYS rather know what is going on with her.

 

I think it might be good that you have some time to think this through before needing to address it with ds.

 

Once my dad found some dirty magazines in my car when I was 19. They were associated with a silly prank. Not everything is always what it seems. Lol

[texasmama]

The pot would be a much larger issue for me personally, for what that is worth. I would not hesitate to do random testing if I suspected dc of drug use if any type. Pot is illegal in my state, and mama does not play with that.

[zoobie]

My kids are much younger, but what a long week you have ahead of you. I'm sorry. I'd probably get a trusted family therapist's advice on the drug front. I hope you find the right words and the week passes quickly.

[swellmomma]

Am I the only mom that talks about sex with her sons?

Not at all.  I talk to all of my kids about it, sons and daughters alike.  But I also know 16 year old boys enough to know they would rather have a talk like that with their fathers rather than their mothers if they have a choice in it.

[katilac]

because so many people said that it was a conversation to have with dad.

I think plenty of moms talk to their sons about sex, in *general,* but I personally think a more *specific* talk might better be handled by dad. A 16-yr-old boy, no matter how close he is to his mom, is not going to want to tell her certain things - such as he brought condoms to camp so he could be a neat little Boy Scout, y'know? I mean, dad is more likely to 'get' that; it didn't even occur to mom as a possibility. (I am not a guy, but I have way too many nephews for my own good)

 

I am going to take the don't assume anything approach, My parents found used condom wrappers in my bed and freaked out and I was grounded for months it was awful, only to discover that they had been left by some relatives who had  visited.

That is beyond disgusting. I am traumatized on your behalf.

[unsinkable]

 

Not at all.  I talk to all of my kids about it, sons and daughters alike.  But I also know 16 year old boys enough to know they would rather have a talk like that with their fathers rather than their mothers if they have a choice in it.

You don't know my sons. My sons have specifically told me they'd rather talk to me.

 

(and i've actually had a 16 yo son) 

[unsinkable]

 

I think plenty of moms talk to their sons about sex, in *general,* but I personally think a more *specific* talk might better be handled by dad. A 16-yr-old boy, no matter how close he is to his mom, is not going to want to tell her certain things - such as he brought condoms to camp so he could be a neat little Boy Scout, y'know? I mean, dad is more likely to 'get' that; it didn't even occur to mom as a possibility. (I am not a guy, but I have way too many nephews for my own good)

 

 

That is beyond disgusting. I am traumatized on your behalf.

Well, like I told swellmomma, my sons have told me they prefer to talk to me.

 

I'm not going to not talk to them and send them to their dad if they come to me.

[swellmomma]

Having your son come to you is one thing, I would never turn mine away if they came to me either.  My boys don't have a choice they can talk to me or they are sol.  But with a topic like this most (not all obviously) would rather it be their father approaching them rather than their mother, just due to a mortification level difference between the two. 

But people saying this is time for a father/ son talk is not at all the same as saying they never speak to their sons about it, or that they would ever shut their son down and say "go talk to your father about that".