How to be less critical

[Halcyon]

I suppose you can all guess that I am on my annual self-improvement kick, which usually happens each summer as I try and tackle MY issues, as opposed to my kids...so far I am addressing my energy, my exercise, my sugar, and...now I want to address my critical nature. My son was recording himself playing knee hockey yesterday, and it seems i was in the background directing my younger on making cookies. Boy, I did NOT like the way I sounded. It wasn't pretty and I realize I need to tone down my criticism and bump up my "encouraging" words. I probably do this with school, too, but hopefully not to a great extent.

 

How have you tackled your critical natures? How do you accept good enough in a child, be it in the way they make their bed, the way they stack dishes in the dishwasher, etc etc without letting bad habits get ingrained in them? It's a balance for me-I want them to understand that while there are certainly a few right ways to make a bed, for example, there are definitely a lot of wrong ways and they need to do the task at least one of the correct ways. I don't want to get too judgemental, but I want to also instill in them a sense of pride in achievement of a job well done, whatever it is. When DS played in a recent piano recital, yes, I definitely "forced" him to practice because I told him he needed to improve the pacing. Well, he went up on stage and played beautifully, and was very proud, and seriously, I know he would have been really upset if he'd gone up there and played poorly or froze. So in that case, pushing him a bit was a good thing.

 

But in other instances, I dont think it is neccesary, but I dont think I am a good judge (ha!) of when to say "no, that's not acceptable, do it again" and when to simply compliment. I am not a big praiser, but DO praise when he really has worked hard at something and stuck to it.

 

I just think I am a little out of whack in terms of proportions, kwim?

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

Kudos to you for recognizing that you need to work on this. My dh is critical (to an extreme) and is frustrated that tasks, sometimes even fun ones, are not done his way. My kids are now teens and they avoid interacting with dad. Dad is known as the parent that "sucks the joy" out of everything.

 

He even has done it to me and that is why he's the only one in the family cutting the grass --- none of us can get the hang of doing it "his way" and we've all disappointed him in our feeble attempts.

 

Good luck and I hope you get advice here. Again, kudos for recognizing that being too critical is not a good thing. BTW, he rarely praises any of us either. ;-(

 

K

[Joyofsixreboot]

I'll be listening. I do this without meaning to be critical. I think I'm helping but not so much. Kudos to you.

[Halcyon]

Thanks, K. It is really tough to find a balance for me, that's for sure.

[OrganicAnn]

Listen to Cats in the Cradle now and then. Listen to yourself. Have your kids "act like Mom" and see if you cringe. Decide if you handle it being less than your standard, if you can't then don't make the kids do it.

[AnIslandGirl]

What a wonderful post!

Speaking as a hippy-dippy parent, we always look for the good in everyone and everything. Around here there is no, "It would have better if you'd done XYZ, just... wow, you are are working so wonderfully hard! You'll reach the goal of XYZ any day now!"

 

I'm not sure if it's just a personality trait (Pollyanna optimist here!) or how much we really do work hard at appreciating the little things in life. Either way, I try to live each day with as light of a footprint as possible. Both on the earth itself and on others. I know that my words and my actions carry so much weight, so I do try to think before I speak. (I know how hard this is, but it is really worth it in the long run!)

 

Personally, we start each day in meditation, reflecting on how wonderful of a life we live. Realizing just what wonderful people you are surrounded by on a daily basis and how special of a bond you all share should be a great reminder of how special you need to treat those that you cherish. Finding your inner peace and your calm, even during the worst of times can really translate into a calm and loving environment for not only your children but for your family and guests as well.

 

Best wishes on your self-discovery. You really are worth it!

[Halcyon]

I'll be listening. I do this without meaning to be critical. I think I'm helping but not so much. Kudos to you.

This is me. I think I am "guiding" or "Correcting" but somehow I don't think I have the balance right.

[8circles]

This is me. I think I am "guiding" or "Correcting" but somehow I don't think I have the balance right.

 

I'm right there with you. It's the way I was raised & I honestly wasn't aware of it until the last few years. I've made great strides but it isn't easy & when I'm stressed it's very easy to fall back into what comes naturally - which unfortunately is to criticize. Then the cycle continues.

 

What has helped the most is realizing that I'd rather be not critical enough, replacing the criticism with grace, than be overly critical. The key for me is not just removing the criticism but the adding-in of more grace. I don't think you can have too much grace, can you? Anyhow, that's how I look at it.

 

:grouphug: for your efforts.

[Tita Gidge]

This is me. I think I am "guiding" or "Correcting" but somehow I don't think I have the balance right.

 

 

What about this - instead of going ahead with the guiding or correcting, how about asking if it's wanted? Even better if you can do so without the inference of "I'm perfect because I can do everything perfectly, whereas you're doing this wrong so you must be some kind of idiot" (I think this is how some of them take it, despite that not AT ALL being what we're meaning to say. Intentionally, anyhow.)

 

So, say you're making cookies and you see your child struggling with a task or doing it in a way that's overly involved. Instead of offering concrete guidance or correcting, you offer to give it. Say: Hey, that's one way to stir the batter. Do you want me to show you another way? I saw it on Food Network and can't believe I never thought of it before that.

 

Or: I used to transfer the batter to the tin that way too, then I found an easier method. Wanna see it? Sometimes he'll say yes, other times he'll say no. Either answer will be fine, and he'll take pride in his achievement, because he did it ... not because he did it perfectly (aka Your Way). The trick on your end is to be okay when they decline your offer. I know from experience, this is a delicate dance that takes some practice! Stuff raw cookie dough in your mouth, excuse yourself to the bathroom, or literally bite your tongue and let that feeling pass on by LOL.

 

I think you should focus more on instilling in them the pride of a job done, as opposed to done well. I bet some of the time they do a job, they feel they've done it well. You, in your maturity and vast experience, know it can be done better or differently ... but for where they are, maybe their getting it done WAS done well by their nascent standards. You may be mistaking "job well done" for "job done the way I think it's best done" and while those often be the same thing ... to your kids, it might not always be. That undercuts any efforts you make to instill pride because they're not going to feel pride at having to be told how to do something the "right" way. The opposite could happen, actually.

 

I think some of it, too, is just realizing that KNOWING how to do a job well may sometimes have to be enough. DOING it well 24/7/365 doesn't have to be the bar. So, ... so long as my kid knows how to properly make the bed and will do so when I ask (e.g., if company is coming over or it's Sunday and I want the house neat one day of the week), then so long as it's made the other times, that's acceptable enough. My dad insisted we make our beds, have a clean room, and be dressed/groomed before we left our rooms every morning. I shared a bed with one sister, and a room with five sisters. Quite a challenge getting all six of us out of the bedroom door most mornings! Guess what, of the five of us still alive not one of us makes our bed in the morning. NOT ONE. I have another (older) sister who is still very regimented about her morning routine, and when she visits she'll make "her" bed (the guest bed) then go around the house making the rest of our beds LOL. I do make my bed when I visit her home (still know how!) so that's the standard I transferred to my own brood. Know how, show me intermittently that you still know how, and we'll call it good - no need to prove it every day of your life.

 

Might that work for you, too? To prioritize knowledge/recall over daily proof, with intermittent calls to perform the task to your standard?

 

Not everything has to be done the right way or even the best way. Sometimes it should be enough to just be done at all. No one wants to encourage sloppiness, laziness, or getting by with minimum effort ... but nobody wants to sacrifice relationships on the altar of perfection, either. Right? So to find your balance, ask yourself if it really matters. Will this matter to me, to him, in 10 years? Making cookies or the bed your way, maybe not. Making piano practice and performance a priority, maybe so. Only you know.

[texasmama]

What has helped me is the memory of being reared by a critical parent (my dad). I never felt good enough. He always corrected me or criticized me. I didn't feel loved.

 

So I am like hippy-dippy up thread and have vowed to always err on the side of grace with my kids. I don't pour on meaningless praise but I give tons of encouragement and give critiques judiciously. I practice patience and kindness. If I can't make cookies without doing it loosey-goosey, I would wait until I felt more patient.

 

With the piano recital/practice, I would have likely not said anything about the timing. I would let the piano teacher give feedback and if my kid didn't do well due to lack of practice, I would consider that a life lesson. I would consider it my role to sit smiling in the audience. (Three of my kids took piano so I understand this.)

 

As critical as my dad was, my mom was encouraging. She was a great cheerleader in my life. So that is the model I use for my own parenting because I saw a marked difference in the styles of my own parents. I still benefit from my mother's encouragement and am still negatively affected by my father's criticism.

[MusicMama]

I know how you feel! I have struggled with this too. I have gotten a lot better, but am constantly surprised I have any tongue left after biting it so much!

 

Some things that have helped my control my tendency to over correct:

 

1. Leave the room when they are working on a project. When it is completed, praise them for their hard work and efforts. Unless the results are subpar, accept it, even if it is done differently than you would choose. For example, if my DD goes to clean her room and the toys are not sorted my way, but the room is clean, I let it go.

 

2. Allow them to ask for help. Don't even offer to show them a "new and better" way. Let them make mistakes, struggle, and become frustrated. They will come to you for help, I promise. And don't deliver the help in "I told you so" fashion. Just give them an idea that worked for you, and let it go.

 

3. Train yourself to separate the essential from the non-essential. Does it really matter if when you child sweeps the floor, that they move the pile of dirt around the kitchen with them, instead of keeping it in a central location and sweep everything towards it? (That was an interesting fight my dad and I had...) In hindsight, it was stupid! It made me feel nitpicked and that my contributions were worthless unless they were identical to his. And yet, I do the same thing to my kids. :(

 

4. Allow for natural consequences. If your child's way takes twice as long, then more fun activities will have to be postponed. If it makes a big mess, they have to clean it up. The reason I want to correct my children is not that I'm a mean mom, but that I want to spare them the frustrations that I have gone through. But, part of life is experiencing frustration and overcoming it. So yes, your dc will probably come to realize that mom's way is best. But they will value it a whole lot more if the have to experience the learning process themselves.

 

5. Realize the way doesn't matter, just the result. I don't care if they train a pet monkey to make their bed, as long as it is done, and neat. I don't care how the dishwasher is loaded, as long as the dishes are clean. Didn't load it well? Now you get to spend the first 30 minutes of playtime handwashing dishes. At least, that's what I keep reminding myself!

 

Of course, I do lay down the law when it comes to safety, or many parts of school, or what constitutes a job well down. I'm just learning to let go in the process, and I have a lot of learning left!

[Halcyon]

So many good ideas. I am going to digest them all today and get back to you all.

[sparrow]

I accept "good enough" because they are children. They won't make their bed like me (although I think my son makes his better!), they won't cook like me, and they won't clean a sink or a toilet like me. I don't recall my mom ever instructing me. It just came with age. I do remember never doing things well enough for my dad. I still don't.

 

:grouphug: It is good to recognize this trait and work on it.

[Anne in CA]

One thing that keeps me from going overboard is to read a book on being encouraging every once in a while. Wale Done is on my Kindle right now. I give myself good positive input so there is some to spill over on the kids. Positive attitudes are a big reason I home school. I had so many negative teachers when I was in school that I really struggle with negative self talk to this day. My parents were not so bad, but several of my teacher's were awful. I don't want my kids to have a pattern of negative self talk.

[gardenmom5]

I came from a critical family. nothing (and I *mean* nothing!) was ever good enough. I would feel like I finally did something right, and there would be someone pointing out what I did wrong.

 

first - praise should always be for something within the child's control. e.g. not "you're smart", but "you worked really hard on this project." My son was struggling, and I would tell him he was clever - and give examples of when he demonstrated how clever he is so he could see for himself.

 

second - I would ask them, how are you doing, what can you do better?

 

third - look for the positives. I recall one influential mother in my life. she shared about teaching her preschooler to tie shoes. she praised him for tying them by himself - never mind it took 20 minutes, he tied them by himself.

 

I found it was helpful for me to always look for the positive. the "I'm going to find this silver lining if I have to wring this cloud out myself."

[readinmom]

Wow, I need to be more hippy dippy. Seriously. Some of the posts hit my soul hard.

[texasmama]

Wow, I need to be more hippy dippy. Seriously. Some of the posts hit my soul hard.

 

(((hugs))) I didn't start out hippy dippy and loosey goosey. Ask my oldest child. :) Change is possible for anyone at any stage.

[Coco_Clark]

I think the balance, for me, is measured in terms of effort. I know my kids, and I know what real effort looks like on their part vs phoning it in. And I praise the effort, not the results. I expect a lot as a parent. Many people think I expect too much from my (admittedly very young) sons. But I think its really important to foster an environment of always doing your very best work. So i totally get the habit of critsism, I do it too :(.

 

when im at my best I try to teach mostly by example (always doing my own very best work) and by talking about the importance of doing my best work. I also try to praise real effort and attention to detail when I see it, and ignore and not agnowledge sloppy work (or if its VERY sloppy indeed stick to a shocked, "hmm, is that really the best you can do?!").

 

I love Tita's suggestions as well about gently teaching a better way and focusing on what's important. Even though my boys are only small children I try to ask myself, "Is this the way I would speak to my husband? Is this the way I would teach a friend?" Obviously I am an authority over my children and have to instruct them in a way that I do not my husband or friends, but I try to do so with the same respect I'd give to anyone else.

[sparrow]

Wow, I need to be more hippy dippy. Seriously. Some of the posts hit my soul hard.

 

 

:grouphug: I think it's great that this thread was started. None of us are perfect, but a huge step is recognizing it and truly stopping the negative talk. I sometimes have to actually pinch my leg when I'm helping ds with math. I usually do OK now. I once heard my father's words come out of my mouth, directed at my son. I stopped immediately, grabbed him for a hug (he was clueless), and went in my room to quietly cry for an hour. I have made a *conscious* effort to never be critical, in that manner, again. It's not easy.

 

 

(((hugs))) I didn't start out hippy dippy and loosey goosey. Ask my oldest child. :) Change is possible for anyone at any stage.

 

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

[readinmom]

:grouphug: I think it's great that this thread was started. None of us are perfect, but a huge step is recognizing it and truly stopping the negative talk. I sometimes have to actually pinch my leg when I'm helping ds with math. I usually do OK now. I once heard my father's words come out of my mouth, directed at my son.

 

 

I recognized a similar incident with my oldest. I need to spend more time with what is right and good in effort.

[Arcadia]

My dh is critical (to an extreme) and is frustrated that tasks, sometimes even fun ones, are not done his way. My kids are now teens and they avoid interacting with dad. Dad is known as the parent that "sucks the joy" out of everything.

 

He even has done it to me and that is why he's the only one in the family cutting the grass --- none of us can get the hang of doing it "his way" and we've all disappointed him in our feeble attempts.

..... BTW, he rarely praises any of us either. ;-(

 

 

Both my parents are critical in different ways. My mum is critical in a very clinical, perfectionist fashion, like a quality control inspector. She is kind of OCD about cleanliness and that is the only area she is critical about. My dad is very critical and it is driven by a worry/anxiety disorder. He is critical about everything because he worries about everything. He can't praise because he is too busy worrying. In all honesty I have never known my dad to stop worrying. My kids prefer talking to my mum compared to my dad because my mum is very spontaneous but not overly generous with her praise.

All that just to say there might be underlying reasons for your hubby being that critical.

[vikingmom]

Wow, I need to be more hippy dippy. Seriously. Some of the posts hit my soul hard.

Gulp...me too... such a struggle...Romans 7 in real time...

(((hugs))) I didn't start out hippy dippy and loosey goosey. Ask my oldest child. :) Change is possible for anyone at any stage.

Very encouraging... I needed that encouragement!

[sparrow]

Interestingly, a Facebook friend just shared this article from last year:

 

Six Words You Should Say Today

[FriedClams]

I heard a speaker on the radio talking about parenting teens this weekend. He said that ourjob is to be a witness to their lives and not the judge. I thought it was an insightful way to stay on their team and encourage - with a less critical lens. HTH

[albeto]

How have you tackled your critical natures? How do you accept good enough in a child, be it in the way they make their bed, the way they stack dishes in the dishwasher, etc etc without letting bad habits get ingrained in them?

 

A couple thoughts come to mind when I think about your question here. I think in a sense, when we make decisions we believe we're making the "right" decision. In a way, this is a moral issue for us. It may be a very small way, but the issue does exist. In other words, sometimes we do things The Right Way because, well, that's The Right Way to do them. We do things The Right Way, obviously, because we're not idiots and if we were doing things The Wrong Way, we'd change. There's a sense of peace and security that comes about from knowing things are "right" in our world. There exists also (you guessed it) a sense of anxiety and discomfort when things are not done The Right Way. If you grew up being instructed in doing things The Right Way, you may simply be passing this Truth About The Worldâ„¢ on to your kids. You don't think about it because you don't have to - your brain has been trained to raise red flags when things are not done The Right Way, making minute decisions along the way in order to to maintain The Right Way as much as possible.

 

I think also, we parents tend to impose our ideals onto our kids' behavior. In other words, we assume our intent is similar (or superior) to theirs, and work to modify their actions to suit these intents. That's how we're Helpful. What we're really doing, though, is shaping our kids to accommodate our intentions. Or, to be blunt, we're conditioning our kids to be convenient for the sake of our own emotional well-being. By correcting them, by "guiding" them in ways that are objectively unnecessary from the stand point of obtaining their intent, we are modifying their behavior to reduce our inconvenience/discomfort and increase our emotional state of peace and calm. Again, I don't think we do that consciously and we don't have to - our brains know how to prevent and reduce anxiety without our awareness much of the time. We just do this automatically. We call it "habits," and "character," and "temperament," but really we're talking about solving our problems by making sure our kids stay within our comfort zones.

 

I guess what I'm trying to get at is, being mindful of what your goals are when you supervise you'r kids might help you figure out why you are trying to correct them. If you can determine what their intent is, you might note how it differs from yours, thus identifying the actual purpose of your intervention. For example, if they're making their beds sloppily, perhaps they don't share the same intent you do. Perhaps they're not doing it to look nice, clean, organized, visually uncluttered, welcoming at the end of a hard day, or any other reason. They're doing it because it's required before the next thing. So that's their intent - get 'er done and move on. If your intent is to instill a sense of pride in their home, a sense of organization, cleanliness, comfort, etc, well you can do that in all kinds of ways apart from the making of the bed. You can mention it when something pleases you in this way. Make a point of it for their attention so they learn to make that connection - cleanliness and organization make people feel recharged and peaceful. If they're stacking the dishes because they're expected to, they aren't likely to notice the crust left on dishes that don't get a good wash. You could point it out, but then you're pointing out what they're doing wrong and that's simply One More Rule they have to learn to follow. If instead you offer the reason you appreciate the dishwasher stacked a certain way, that reason can be transferred to all kinds of examples. Again, by pointing out when these things work out the way that makes you feel good, they'll connect those dots that certain values are obtainable by incorporating certain routines or habits into their day.

 

It's a balance for me-I want them to understand that while there are certainly a few right ways to make a bed, for example, there are definitely a lot of wrong ways and they need to do the task at least one of the correct ways. I don't want to get too judgemental, but I want to also instill in them a sense of pride in achievement of a job well done, whatever it is. When DS played in a recent piano recital, yes, I definitely "forced" him to practice because I told him he needed to improve the pacing. Well, he went up on stage and played beautifully, and was very proud, and seriously, I know he would have been really upset if he'd gone up there and played poorly or froze. So in that case, pushing him a bit was a good thing.

 

I think one of the hardest things about being a parent is watching our kids make decisions we wouldn't. If you want to instill in your children a sense of pride in achievement of a job well done, they may very well opt for jobs you don't appreciate. Just as they don't appreciate the pride of a bed made well, you may not appreciate the pride of a Nintendo game boss played well, or a skateboard trick mastered, or any number of goals kids naturally set for themselves. If you want them to take pride in a job well done, you can do that by getting involved in those things that they choose to do on their free time, and see what goals they set for themselves. By talking about these things in the vocabulary of pride of doing a job well, increased skill from working hard, tenacity in the face of frustrations, etc, they'll pick these values up in areas that are important to them.

 

I'll offer as an example one of my goals for my children - that they know how to identify a problem, and execute an effective solution independently, with a sense of responsibility towards their family, community and society, and a sense of personal satisfaction that allows them to enjoy life. I don't need to teach this in specific lessons I create for them, I can help them develop these skills as they learn naturally within the framework of their own experiences. In realizing this, I've learned to stop assigning a blanket value of importance to things that are valuable to me. The side effect of that is I don't feel nudgey when they do something "wrong," simply because it isn't "wrong," it's just not convenient to me. Granted, part of identifying and executing effective solutions with a sense of responsibility towards family means they learn how to identify and ultimately avoid things that are inconvenient to me, but part of my being responsible is to not expect my kids to be responsible for my well-being. Being in a community means knowing how to solve problems with mutual respect, and in my opinion, that includes respecting the kids and their values. But these are skills, and like any skill, these take time to master, and we're always learning more.

t

But in other instances, I dont think it is neccesary, but I dont think I am a good judge (ha!) of when to say "no, that's not acceptable, do it again" and when to simply compliment. I am not a big praiser, but DO praise when he really has worked hard at something and stuck to it.

 

I would encourage you to think really hard about what your ultimate goals for your children are on the most grand scale. Then start using vocabulary to introduce these broad values into your conversations. For example, if your ultimate goal is a college education, you might use vocabulary words that revolve around study skills, learning skills, mastering memory, personal conflict resolution, budgeting time, etc. By that I mean to point it out when you see them do these things naturally. Don't point it out when they don't, but help them identify these components when they come up by helping them identify when these things bring them success.

 

I just think I am a little out of whack in terms of proportions, kwim?

 

 

I think that's true of all of us. Families are funny little, constantly evolving, social dynamics. We learn things from our parents and at the same time we're conditioned in ways we aren't even aware of. We transfer those values we hold in high esteem while trying to correct those things we wish were different. We often aren't even aware of how we're incorporating those skills and idiosyncrasies we were conditioned to develop. At the same time, our partners and others who are a part of our children's lives are doing the same things. Add to this mix those situations that are unique to our place and time in society (ie, computers small enough to fit in your pocket), and you can see how we all are trying to figure out how to dance a new dance with many familiar steps (many habitual, some desirable, some not at all graceful), to a constantly changing tune. In other words, cut yourself some slack. You're no different than most parents, I suspect.

 

:)

[Lily_Grace]

I think sometimes we just need to ask ourselves, "is this helpful or hurtful"? Telling a child that their effort isn't good enough can be hurtful and take out the help, BUT, focusing on the process itself can be helpful.

 

For example:

"your bed is messy. Go do it again"

 

is not quite as helpful as

 

"you finished making your bed? Great! Let's check the steps with the process card."

 

Removing emotion and opinion from a situation can be very helpful, and having something written out in steps lets the child see where they went wrong and correct it themselves.

[Guest]

One way I phrase things with my kids is, "I find it works better for me if I..." This is ideal for a circumstance where they are doing it a way that will not have the best outcome, but isn't necessarily totally wrong, kwim? Having said that, there are times when I just say it straight - when they are doing something very poorly, i.e, "Do you see this pot you cleaned? Do you see the egg that is still burnt on right here? You're not getting this clean. You need to..." and show the steps to doing it correctly. There are also times when I let them discover for themselves that the approach they are using will not work (obviously, this is only when the outcome isn't a major catastrophe).

 

I did have an epiphany of sorts maybe about 12 years ago where I realized how critical and condescending my attitude was in general. If I wasn't actually saying, "This is a ridiculous way to (do X, Y, Z)," I was at least thinking it. This had more of an implication with my husband than with my kids at the time, as they were still little. I realized that I had a very huge blind spot of pride and it was pride that gave me this Better-Than-You attitude. I remember standing in a store with dh, about to buy a sleeping bag for our dd, when I seriously had an epiphany that dh's suggestion (a full-sized, blue plaid Coleman) was a far superior choice to mine (Hello Kitty). That sounds so silly now that I say it, but it was truly a revelation - "Shut the door! He is as right as rain!"

 

Not to suggest that I'm all cured now and act only with humility, loving kindness, graciousness and love. But I try.

[KrissiK]

There's a balance between being overly critical on the one side, and teaching a child to complete a task and do a good job on it. I was at a funeral not too long ago and one of the grown sons of the man said he remembered when he was a teen and rebuilding carbeurators with his dad, his dad made him re-do a job several times until it was right. He was mad at the time, but when he was older he appreciated his dad's diligence in teaching him how to do a job right and no letting him do it in a slipshod way.

[goldberry]

Nice to know at least I'm not alone....I feel like such a jerk sometimes. I had an overly critical dad that I was NEVER going to be like. Yet here I am, fighting it every single day...

[MusicMama]

I was talking to my DH today, who is enjoying his summer off and helping do school with the kids. I asked him how he thought I could improve teaching the kids, and his answer really hit home. He said that he thought we should be having more fun, and treat things a bit less heavy handed. He said that the more he is involved with the schooling, the more that he believes that our reason for homeschooling isn't academic, but family. He sees this as an opportunity to love and nurture our kids while they receive a good education. So here I am with lesson plans in hand, trying to scale back, she's only beginning first grade! I get too tense and intense with her, especially with math. My dad would bring me to tears helping me with my math. :( I don't want to do that with her! I had an epiphany the other day. Her difficulty with a math concept, or her inability to recall what we struggled to learned the day before, is not disobedience! It is just being a kid and working through math. I knew this already, but I didn't "know" it. I'm really trying to stop my feelings of frustration and irritation, and replace them with encouragement and the willingness to say let's take a break and try again later.