transracial adoption

[jillian]

title says it all. Can you tell me experiences esp if you are a Caucasian family that adopted transracially?

[sparrow]

That's a pretty broad topic. I could probably be more helpful if we could narrow it down a wee bit :) .

 

Our experience has been fine. We've had no issues and we now live in a small town without a ton of diversity. Our extended family has always been accepting and our kids are confident and proud of their heritage. Kind of boring ;) .

[jillian]

I know it's broad. We are just beginning to look into the broad category of transracial adoption. We are considering adopting either an African American child from foster care in the U.S. up to the age of 6 or 7 depending on the process or going through one of the international programs in Africa. Just looking to see what you wish you had known? How is the experience you expected different from the experience you had? Is your transracial child the only one in your family who is "different" in appearance than the rest of the family?

 

Just kind of looking for any and all insights :)

[LostSurprise]

Well, I have a friend who adopted an African (adopted originally from a Liberian orphanage but placed in the American system when the adoptive family couldn't handle her medical needs) child with permanent (but not severely limiting) medical needs.

 

Issues:

*understanding AA hair

*general abandonment issues

*dolls and other toys that look like her

*books that embrace adoption, African culture, etc.

 

She's still young, and even in a small town with limited AA culture (minorities are mainly Asian and NA) she's widely accepted.

 

However, I must admit from my own past PS teacher experiences, that there can be some confusion during adolescence, especially while developing love interests. Its easy to feel rejected if the white culture around you expects you to look and act a certain way to be attractive. I must admit I've seen this more with AA girls in very white areas. If they've been exposed to AA culture early on and they can move between the two cultures (very mixed area) its much easier.

[jillian]

I totally get the psychology of adolescence and identity issues--and can only imagine the issues in a transracial situation. We are in a pretty diverse area in SC and have a great diverse population.

 

I"m also lurking/reading on the adoption.com forums to see what others say

[HS Mom in NC]

Read anything and everything you can get your hands on written by adult adoptees adopted by parents of a different race. Interview anyone and everyone you can who has been an adoptee in those situations. Read anything and everything you can written by attachment therapists who treat adoptees. We spent more than a year doing our homework about all the options (domestic private, fost-adopt and international adoption in about 6 different countries-not African ones. I don't think that was an option at the time) before we decided to adopt from S. Korea 7 years ago.

 

We do a lot of cultural heritage activities through the agency with the local Korean community here. We also include Korean history in our studies.

[jillian]

Read anything and everything you can get your hands on written by adult adoptees adopted by parents of a different race. Interview anyone and everyone you can who has been an adoptee in those situations. Read anything and everything you can written by attachment therapists who treat adoptees. We spent more than a year doing our homework about all the options (domestic private, fost-adopt and international adoption in about 6 different countries-not African ones. I don't think that was an option at the time) before we decided to adopt from S. Korea 7 years ago.

 

We do a lot of cultural heritage activities through the agency with the local Korean community here. We also include Korean history in our studies.

 

Thank you. I am reading a ton. Do you have recommendations of stuff to read, good well-written books?

[craftyerin]

Kind of boring ;) .

here, too. :cool:

 

My oldest was adopted through the foster care system. He's black, the rest of us are white (my twins are bio). We have had absolutely NO problems. He has been fully embraced from day one as a member of our family and besides some friendly questions and commentary, we've had no trouble in public. I expect to have some deeper work to do as he gets older, answering his questions (which don't have pretty answers) and helping him make peace with his past. He was placed as an infant, though, has fantastic attachments, and is super happy.

[Berta]

We live in rural SC and my daughter is the only Chinese child around. It has not created any issues what so ever. She just turned 8 and has been with us since she was 20 months old. My oldest (bio) son is a middle school teacher in China and speaks fluent Mandarin so he is teaching it to her. He lives 6 months in China and 6 months in a different state, so it's not consistent.

 

I have a friend that has adopted two children from China and two children (at the same time) from Ethiopia. She would do so again in a heartbeat. Her children were adopted at 2 and 3 yrs of age. They had no attachment issues that I know of. If I could talk my husband into another child, Ethiopia would be my choice. I just can't convince my husband that five really isn't too many.

 

I would suggest reading adoption forums and connecting with other parents that have adopted from the country of your choice.

[Miss Peregrine]

We didn't set out to adopt a child of another race. We did foster care and he came to us. He is Native American. We have an open adoption where we have regular contact with his extended family(not parents, though).

[stripe]

Read anything and everything you can get your hands on written by adult adoptees adopted by parents of a different race.

Excellent ideas here, and I'd add Donna Jackson Nakashima's book Does Anybody Else Look Like Me for both natural and adoptive parents.

[butterflymommy]

You might be interested in the documentary "Off and Running." It's about two white moms who adopt transracially and it follows one of the older children through some teenage years.

[jillian]

Thank you everyone!!!! I will check out the reading/viewing suggestions! I'm looking at Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC) or Ethiopia.

[violamama]

Somewhere Between is a good documentary. I recommend the adoptive parent training courses at Adoption Learning Partners. They have one called "Conspicuous Families" that I really liked.

 

Outside Looking In is supposed to be a good film.

 

Our social worker brought us a video of this: http://www.photosynthesisproductions.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=blogcategory&id=10&Itemid=27

 

... and it was very thought-provoking.

 

I would highly recommend finding an adoptive family group in your area and chatting with the people there. A google search or call to a local agency should help you find some in-person resources. It's in my nature to research the crap out of things, but the in-person conversations and connections can't be beat.

[Lucy]

I've adopted one girl from China, and am in process of adopting a boy from there as well. We have three bio kids. It has gone beautifully! We have experienced nothing but positive reactions from our mostly white community and church. I think we get more negativity about her special need than we do about her race. She is 5, and is just now beginning to recognize that she looks different than us, and she likes it! I have Asian friends and know some adult adoptees and have been told it is very important for her to get to know other Asian girls that are older, so she can see an example of beauty for her race - so she is not trying to fit into the ideals that the media sells. But really, I want to teach all my girls to find their own beauty, so it's not much different! Other than that, the only other advice they give me is to pour on the love - which is the easy part. Of the adult adoptees I know, their stories of how they feel about being adopted are so varied - some are fine, some are angry, some struggle with security in their relationships - I just don't know how to prepare, other than pray and love!

[violamama]

DRC is suppose to be pretty fierce in terms of paperwork/wait times/ potential for corruption. I would triple-check the agency before going there.

 

For fun, have you seen Stuck? It's fascinating and a little depressing. Here's a related article: http://www.jewishtimes.com/index.php/jewishtimes/news/36000/new_documentary_shines_spotlight_on_flawed_international_adoption_system/

 

We're using Holt right now- just got back our home study today and we're alllllmost ready to send off our dossier. We've moved from foster/adopt to domestic to now international special needs for a variety of reasons. These changes and other factors have meant that we have been working at this for a little over 6 years. At this point my advice would include being really really clear about how long everything takes. It's not a race (for reference, we are not infertile and have two wonderful boys) but you need to really research what you're getting with the agency you choose.

 

With international adoption there is a thick layer of trust you have to put over everything. You cannot always know anything about the birth family. You may not have complete knowledge about the orphanage or foster home and its administrators. So choosing who you pay is incredibly important.

 

PM me if you have any other questions. Easy journeys to you!

[jillian]

I've heard good things about Holt. DRC is stabilizing currently from what I"m reading/seeing. It was closed for a good while because of the corruption/unethical adoption issues.

 

Once we decide on a route/country/agency we will absolutely be going and talking to folks and taking specific trainings/classes.

 

Violamama: we have one beautiful daughter too who will be 6 in December.

[violamama]

That's so exciting!

 

I hope I didn't sound too negative, it's just been a very long journey for us. There is so much negative press right now about adoption, when I feel any anger should be focused on the corruption in certain pockets or areas and not on limiting adoption itself... I can't imagine the current trends toward limiting adoption will do anything but harm the children in need right now. You can find other threads on the board where people hash out their thoughts and post some very good articles.

 

Do you have a connection to the DRC? We had never really considered China (actually as a Christian I do think we've been waiting this long because that's simply where our daughter is, KWIM?) but after lots of chance conversations and flat out recommendations from friends we took another look at it. It's much less expensive than some countries because they have a fantastic mild special needs program. I've learned more about the countries we've considered (Ukraine, Ethiopia, Uganda) in the last few years than in my entire education.

[jillian]

We have no connection to DRC or Africa. The only connection I have for international adoption is Poland, my maiden name is Baginskie for crying out loud lol. We aren't anti-HIV positive adoption either.

[violamama]

There have been such massive advancements in the treatment of HIV. I think there's hope for it to be rendered benign within our lifetime. We might have considered that, but honestly our extended family (older generation doctors and nurses who really want to be involved in some of the analysis of the child's initial medical reports) would probably lose their minds. We decided to avoid the drama but it might have been on our list otherwise. We were planning on cleft lip/palate, but my husband's new job has crummy dental insurance so we had to nix that.

 

It's amazing what simple fixes our medical system can provide for things that would make a life miserable or short in another country.

[jillian]

It's not fearful to me doesn't make me cringe. Sure I would worry but I do with my dd's arthritis anyway lol

[violamama]

Motherhood makes us tough in the best ways!

[KrissiK]

As a previous poster said, we didn't set out to adopt trans-racially. We went through foster care and got two brothers, one Hispanic/AA and the other Hispanic. My bi-racial boy, while a very very good looking boy, doesn't have any real classic features from either race, although if you look really hard you can tell. He's got very dark, golden brown skin and very coarse, but not kinky hair. He's mentioned often the difference in skin color, etc. of our family, though I don't know if it bothers him or he's just making an observation. We live in a very racially diverse area, our town is about 80% Hispanic. Our kids fit in well with the middle class Hispanic kids in the area, though we also live in a pretty poor area, and so lines aren't always drawn racially, but socio-economically.

[mom@shiloh]

We've adopted five children from China and haven't experienced any negative reactions to race. Some of our kids have visible birth defects and they've had negative reactions for that. Sad, but true. Friends of ours have five AA and biracial children, the oldest of whom is 20 and they did experience some negativity early on.

[Heather in Neverland]

We have an adopted ds who is Korean and an adopted daughter who is Indian and a birth child. Having an international family has some challenges but the benefits are far greater. It has been an amazing experience for all of us!

[Mango]

5 transracial adoptions, all African American kids.

 

One thing the case worker said haunts me, "Everyone loves a cute baby. It's when they grow up that you may find family are having a harder time with the man your son becomes."

 

We're into the teenage years. All of our children came to us as infants days old. Family was like, "Oooooo cute babies!" But when we stopped having babies and our babies have grown up distance with one side of our family deepened. They are just not comfortable with the creative, active, thoughtful, African American men and women we're raising.

 

Oh, we talked about our decision to adopt with them before we did it. We talked specifically about transracial adoptions too. They all said, "Go for it! We think its great." My father in law did say, "You just don't realize your prejudices before you're confronted with them face-to-face sometimes." This was days after bringing home our first!

 

So be aware that your supportive family may have a change of heart as your child grows up.

 

Second, share minimally about your child's story. You are right, it's a wonderful story of love. But it's your child's story and they will appreciate you curbing your enthusiasm.

 

Yes, hair is an issue.....made worse by the well-meaning African American women who follow me to recommend products, offer to do hair, come over to my house to style it for them, etc. My children aren't a mess! Truly. For a while I would pick my checkout lane by the race of the person running the register. My goal was to avoid being a captive audience.

 

p.s. I grew up in DRC--back when it was called Zaire !

[jillian]

Mango those are good points. I think overall family would be positive and loving but we don't know for certain.

 

That's so neat that you grew up in DRC!!!!

[Ottakee]

 

 

Yes, hair is an issue.....made worse by the well-meaning African American women who follow me to recommend products, offer to do hair, come over to my house to style it for them, etc. My children aren't a mess! Truly. For a while I would pick my checkout lane by the race of the person running the register. My goal was to avoid being a captive audience.

 

p.s. I grew up in DRC--back when it was called Zaire !

 

 

I just had to laugh at this one as many years ago we had an AA/NA foster girl with more AA type hair. I actually drove about 30 minutes north of us to an area with more AA people and went to the Sally's Beauty Supply store there and said HELP. The girl was 9 but her hair was a mess. She was OK with me learning on her. She was only with us a short time but I learned to braid and bead.

[Stellalarella]

Two of our six children are AA. We have found that our older girl was very happy when she had someone in our family who loked like her. We have many families around us that have adopted transracially. Of the 11 families I can think of off the top of my head, 9 have adopted two children or more. I think that many of us find that there is some great good in adopting more than child.

 

We have chosen to let our girls have the blessing of natural hair. Generally, I think their hair looks great and they both are proud of their hair. However, I will say that we live in a southern city where natural hair is not widely appreciated. No kidding, I have people stop me to ask me how I fix their hair because it looks so great and then I will get pulled over by the hair police for not doing it good enough. Have I ever been stopped by someone giving hair advice for the tousled heads of my other children? Uh, no. It's a really bizarre experience to have someone stop you about your child's appearance. I am also quite aware that my mothering abilities are evaluated by my hair skills. I've worked to learn how to help them.

 

Someone once asked me how many books I have in my house by authors who are AA. I took that question to heart.

 

It's a journey. It's an adventure. Sometimes we have had pitfalls. I choose to operate on the belief that God put us together as a family, even when it is hard.

[alpidarkomama]

We adopted two children from Ethiopia 5+ years ago. It's been wonderful. We used to live in a fairly liberal all-white community. While we didn't really get stares, we did get some way overcompensating compliments towards our adopted children (we also have two bio kids). And people always seemed to remark on the makeup of our family. Now we live in a conservative community that is 51% black. No one blinks twice when we walk through the grocery store! :)

 

Also, our family is Jewish. I converted long before meeting DH. Our unified heritage is Judaism. The fact that I share conversion status with our adopted kids really gives us something unique in common.

 

And they're really all adopted anyway... Straight from heaven!

[CyndiLJ]

We have adopted five times from Kazakhstan and Kyrgyzstan. Our sons happen to be ethnic Kazakh and Kyrgyz while our daughters are ethnic Russian. We live in a rural area where...no kidding...the population of around 19,000 has exacrtlty 134 Asian or Pacific Islanders. When in public school with 500 other children they were the only Asians who attended.

 

We have had nothing that would stop us from adopting trans-racially, but we definitely have had comments and issues from time to time. Name calling, making fun of eyes, racism within our extended family, all the time being questioned about if I am there mom, etc. The funniest one was when all five kids and I went into McDonald's and I was asked about my foriegn exchagne students!

 

We just decided to laugh it all off, recognize that if it weren't race being picked on it would be something else, and to not stress over any of it. Here we are, early teens, and that approach seems to be working well.

[jillian]

It's amazing to hear so many positive wonderful things from transracial adoption!!!!

[bethben]

Our daughter is Chinese and has just turned 6. There are a lot of adopted kids in MN, so we haven't gotten any weird questions or stares. She will notice Asian women and want to look like them. she had a pony tail phase because of a Chinese woman she saw in TV. I'm happy to comply. She is starting to want to look differently. She is longing for white skin. I showed her some teen girls sunning themselves. I told her, "Those girls are laying in the sun so they can have skin that looks like yours. You are so lucky to have it all the time!" She seemed to be proud of that fact. But she's also noticing how her teeth and nose are different because of her cleft. So far, she doesn't question us when we tell her she's beautiful and she doesnt have a lot of people telling her differently. And... She does have great colored skin!

 

Beth

[jillian]

Well I'm happy to announce that we have a session to begin our infertility issue resolution!!!!!!!! The counselor works with the infertility clinic for referrals.