If finances required you or your spouse to take a 2nd job...

[Sue G in PA]

who should do it? Let me premise this by saying all you Dave Ramsey fans have prompted me to start reading his books. I'm half way through More Than Enough, after finishing Financial Peace the other day. Our library had a 3 person queue line for his newest book. :glare: Anyway, I'm realizing that while dh and I are not in the same debt we were years ago, we still need to start waking up to the fact that we are falling behind each month. :001_huh: Dh went back to his old job and took a paycut. A big paycut. And now with gas prices as they are and the prices of everything else rising as well...it doesn't make for a good financial situation. Giving up homeschooling and my taking on a job outside the home is simply not feasible. We've already discussed that. As I'm breastfeeding a 2 mos. old right now, my taking a part-time job at night at present simply isn't doable either. That leaves dh. I'm frankly quite flabbergasted that he hasn't realized he should probably take on a second job, but now I'm wondering if he thinks he shouldn't have to and that I should? What do you all think? Is it fair to ask him to take on a second job?

[Nestof3]

I cannot tell you what your husband should do -- I just don't think it's right for me to get involved that way. I will say, though, that my husband (in his former marriage) delivered pizzas at night as his second job. If we were needing the extra income, I am sure he would do it again. I am quite certain that he would not want me out working.

 

He would not be opposed to me making some extra money while being home -- like selling something I made, etc. because I could still care for the children.

 

He would also, though, try to get a single job that DID provide for our needs. For my husband, he started a lawn business after he left retail. It is hard, sweaty, yucky labor, but it provides for us. He doesn't care what he does as long as it provides and it is an honest living.

 

Oh, and no -- I would not ask my husband to take on a second job. I just don't think I could ask that of him.

[Aubrey]

Sue, I don't know your situation, & I'm only 29. I think that bears stating up front. But I'd be careful about Dave Ramsey.

 

In principle, many of his ideas are really great. And I'm sure there are really times when someone has to get a 2nd job. In y'all's case, it should be dh, if that is nec.

 

BUT...I think Ramsey's books are written to speak to ONE aspect of a person's life: their money. Money is a tool, a means, not an end. Now, I'm sure most of us know *that,* but...I see too many people getting the lightbulb turned on w/ regard to $, but then it's like they turn the lightbulb w/ regard to family OFF.

 

Getting out of debt is important. Saving $ for college & retirement are important. BUT you've only got ONE shot at your family. If a dh takes a 2nd job, what does that do to his relationships w/ his dc & his wife? What does that do to *him*?

 

Again, I'm not saying a man should *never* take a 2nd job, I'm just saying I'd look at that VERY carefully. I hope that's ok & not too fwd. Working too much can be to the family a lot like drinking too much. It can be dangerous.

 

As far as $ goes, pray. Pray. Pray. And believe that those prayers will make a difference. If you're like me, you're saying, Well, sure. And in the meantime...? Pray!

[Plucky]

You need to talk to your dh and share how you feel about the finances. Who pays the bills? If you are then he probably has no idea there is a shortfall. Can you two go out to lunch and talk? We go out to a local Wendy's periodically just to really talk about important things. It's not budget breaking and you are away from the kiddos. You can take the baby, too. You have got to talk to your dh about the finances so you'll both be on the same page. Maybe there is a better solution than a 2nd job. :)

[Margo out of lurking]

Sue, I think with seven children, you truly have enough on your plate. I don't think it would be fair for me to ask my dh to take a second job without considering all options, including a new job for him, other ways of changing your lifestyle (moving, renting out part of your home, etc.). A second job would just be one consideration.

 

Because your family depends on his income, he would have to take a job that would in no way conflict with his ability to do his primary job. Depending on his expertise, perhaps he could do outside consulting work, help a friend who owns a business, start a side business from home. Depending on your circumstances, he might consider a part time job with someplace like UPS (and I believe FedEx?) that provides full insurance coverage for your family at NO cost to you. The pay for part time work isn't great, but those benefits can make a huge difference...

[Sue G in PA]

Sue, I don't know your situation, & I'm only 29. I think that bears stating up front. But I'd be careful about Dave Ramsey.

 

In principle, many of his ideas are really great. And I'm sure there are really times when someone has to get a 2nd job. In y'all's case, it should be dh, if that is nec.

 

BUT...I think Ramsey's books are written to speak to ONE aspect of a person's life: their money. Money is a tool, a means, not an end. Now, I'm sure most of us know *that,* but...I see too many people getting the lightbulb turned on w/ regard to $, but then it's like they turn the lightbulb w/ regard to family OFF.

 

Getting out of debt is important. Saving $ for college & retirement are important. BUT you've only got ONE shot at your family. If a dh takes a 2nd job, what does that do to his relationships w/ his dc & his wife? What does that do to *him*?

 

Again, I'm not saying a man should *never* take a 2nd job, I'm just saying I'd look at that VERY carefully. I hope that's ok & not too fwd. Working too much can be to the family a lot like drinking too much. It can be dangerous.

 

As far as $ goes, pray. Pray. Pray. And believe that those prayers will make a difference. If you're like me, you're saying, Well, sure. And in the meantime...? Pray!

 

I hear you and I appreciate your take on this. I don't think it too forward at all. Trust me, I know what you mean about money becoming everything at the expense of all else. But, I'm in the situation where LACK of money is becoming everything at the expense of all else. Does that makes sense? We have 0 saved for retirement, college funds are non-existant, 0 money in savings either for emergencies or simply as savings, dh just cashed in his pension from the school system to pay off some debt and his current income is NOT coming close to meeting our monthly expenses. We have cut corners where there were not corners to be cut! Curriculum that I had purchased last year to "save" for future years I am now selling to make money to buy immediately needed curriculum. I let dh choose whether or not to return to his current job. Both of us knew it would be a big paycut. But, it was a less-stress job for him and his mental health is important to me so I didn't say anything. I guess I was hoping he'd "see" that it was a bad financial move and not do it. Oh well. That's the past. Here we are now...wanting to get out of debt so we can start saving for kids to go to college and our own retirement. Dh taking a second job wouldn't be a forever thing. AND, both of us have the skills to entertain (twisting balloons, clowning, face painting, doing magic, etc.) in a restaurant one night a week to make some significant part-time income ($150 for 2 hours in a restaurant one night a week). We've done it before. Dh says that his current job's travel schedule is such that he could not committ to even that. :001_huh: So, I don't know what to do now.

[Kissy]

Pray for your situation..I will pray for it too. That being said..is it out of the question for you to maybe do babysitting for someone like an afterschool care? or something online maybe become a chacha guide. I am one (althought I have not made a lot because I get wrapped up doing other things and don't get on it but I have heard you get a better shot if you know someone and recommend them..if you are interested in it pm me and I will give you my username there). My friend does that and she has made $400 the last 2 months. I am not sure a second job would be good on your dh..men get really stressed and forget to share with their wives if they think something is too much, they grin and bear it. At least mine does and this could be bad as bad as not having enough money. I hope you find a solution soon.

[kate in seattle]

for the dave ramsey opinion, you might want to head over to livinglikenooneelse.com boards.

 

if you know you are short each month, (at least you have a budget - that's a good start) that is an income problem. you and your dh need to be brainstorming what you can do - both short-term and long-term - to bring up the income.

 

an outside the home job doesn't sound so practical for you right now. my dh has a second job. I had a first and second job (lost them both on the same day this week - eeek!) though my schedule was such i was still at home most of the time with my two youngest girls (10, 13). there was nothing else to do when we finally woke up and realized he simply did not make enough for us to live on.

 

we didn't have any 'toys' to sell, weren't upside on a car loan, no credit card debt; we just didn't have enough money to live (modestly) on.

 

You and your dh need to TALK.

 

kate in seattle

[nakitty]

Sue, I don't know your situation, & I'm only 29. I think that bears stating up front. But I'd be careful about Dave Ramsey.

 

In principle, many of his ideas are really great. And I'm sure there are really times when someone has to get a 2nd job. In y'all's case, it should be dh, if that is nec.

 

BUT...I think Ramsey's books are written to speak to ONE aspect of a person's life: their money. Money is a tool, a means, not an end. Now, I'm sure most of us know *that,* but...I see too many people getting the lightbulb turned on w/ regard to $, but then it's like they turn the lightbulb w/ regard to family OFF.

 

Getting out of debt is important. Saving $ for college & retirement are important. BUT you've only got ONE shot at your family. If a dh takes a 2nd job, what does that do to his relationships w/ his dc & his wife? What does that do to *him*?

 

Again, I'm not saying a man should *never* take a 2nd job, I'm just saying I'd look at that VERY carefully. I hope that's ok & not too fwd. Working too much can be to the family a lot like drinking too much. It can be dangerous.

 

As far as $ goes, pray. Pray. Pray. And believe that those prayers will make a difference. If you're like me, you're saying, Well, sure. And in the meantime...? Pray!

 

EXCELLENT post....I couldn't have said it any better.

 

I think that, whenever possible, every other option should be exhausted before a move like this is made....we all need money to survive...but Kids need their Daddy too....and these short years that our children are children...they are so precious and so fleeting...you know? Good luck....I hope only for the best outcome for your family...:grouphug:

[RoughCollie]

I think that with 7 kids, you already have a 24/7 job. I don't see how you could possibly have the time or the energy to take on any part-time job, no matter how young you are.

 

I think you and your DH need to figure out a way to meet your current obligations first, and make debt reduction the second, retirement savings the third, and your kids' college educations the fourth priorities.

 

Even if you put 4 of your kids in school, it would not solve your time problem. Believe me, taking care of kids who are in school is time and energy consuming, plus you'd still have 3 at home to care for. By the time you paid for gas, work clothes, and daycare, unless you are qualified to make a huge salary, your take home pay would be used up -- and if anything was left over, it would not make up for the loss of the time and attention you would otherwise be giving to your family. Personally, I don't see how you'd have any energy left to fully attend to your family's needs, much less your own.

 

To me, it seems that your DH will have to find a way to make enough money to at least meet your family's present needs.

 

Respectfully,

RC

[Amy in Orlando]

I haven't read any responses, but I will say that my dh worked 2 jobs for nearly 10 years. For four years, I worked part time for my family's business. We hit a point where it made more sense for dh to work for the business and he picked it up. Less than a year ago, we bought out (along with my brother) my parents' business. All of the years we both put in will pay off in the future. It's not paying off right now, we're actually MORE strapped than we have ever been, but it's toward a great goal and I think in the end it will pay off.

 

I know very little about Dave Ramsey, but we did what we had to do to keep our family afloat. Yes, dh and I missed out on a LOT of time together, but we were working towards a goal. I cannot say how much I admire my husband for doing whatever it took to enable me to be home, start a business and keep us going. I cannot say enough about my husband for getting up when he was dead tired to spend time with our boys.

 

I certainly recommend a trust fund to everyone, but that's not always the reality. And, it's hard. Really hard sometimes. But you (meaning you and dh) do what you have to do.

 

Wishing you luck and some peace/piece of mind - it's stressful and scary where you are right now. ((()))

[GSMP]

I think that with 7 kids, you already have a 24/7 job. I don't see how you could possibly have the time or the energy to take on any part-time job, no matter how young you are.

 

I think you and your DH need to figure out a way to meet your current obligations first, and make debt reduction the second, retirement savings the third, and your kids' college educations the fourth priorities.

 

Even if you put 4 of your kids in school, it would not solve your time problem. Believe me, taking care of kids who are in school is time and energy consuming, plus you'd still have 3 at home to care for. By the time you paid for gas, work clothes, and daycare, unless you are qualified to make a huge salary, your take home pay would be used up -- and if anything was left over, it would not make up for the loss of the time and attention you would otherwise be giving to your family. Personally, I don't see how you'd have any energy left to fully attend to your family's needs, much less your own.

 

To me, it seems that your DH will have to find a way to make enough money to at least meet your family's present needs.

 

Respectfully,

RC

 

This is exactly what I was going to say.......:iagree:

 

In order for you to get a part time job....you would need to be super organized. The way I see it...day time work for you would be out. I've done daycare and I only have three. Contracts the whole nine yards. I will never do it again.

 

Evening part time would probably require that you have a meal planned and cooked unless your husband is willing/able to do this. You may find yourself having to clean up from the evening meal unless your husband is the type who will also make sure the dinner dishes are cleaned up.

 

We all know the stress of the mom who is nursing being away from baby and the other parent trying to feed that baby. My baby's wouldn't drink from a bottle. At. All. This made life interesting for my husband and I some times. :lol:

 

If you are all ready stressing about your home, organizing, getting things done this is only going to compound your stress level. It will, in the long run, make more work for you. Been there done that....it was a nightmare.

 

Putting the kids in public school isn't going to save you all that much. By the time you buy school clothes, supplies and the other list of things sent home on the first day....you may find it was less expensive to home school. The school systems nickel and dime you to death. I have seen it with all three of my sister's. There would also be the evenings doing homework.

 

We would spend on average 4 hours in the evenings just trying to complete my daughter's homework. Then add the other two in when they started school. We have been homeschooling for going on 5 years now.

 

Logically....your husband either needs to find one job and pick up the pay scale or a second job that would meet what has been lost.

 

My husband pointed out that your husband is probably more marketable than you are right now. I don't know what your educational background or skills are, but if you haven't worked in the last 11 years, they are probably out of date.

 

I am so sorry that you and your husband are having to go through this. More and more families are having to make some very tough decisions because of the current economy.

 

I hope you and your husband are able to find a solution that will meet each of your needs.

 

Quite frankly....I don't see how you could feasibly do this and maintain your own physical well being.

 

I will be keeping this situation in my prayers......lots of :grouphug::grouphug:

[Lizzie in Ma]

Sue, I don't know your situation, & I'm only 29. I think that bears stating up front. But I'd be careful about Dave Ramsey.

 

In principle, many of his ideas are really great. And I'm sure there are really times when someone has to get a 2nd job. In y'all's case, it should be dh, if that is nec.

 

BUT...I think Ramsey's books are written to speak to ONE aspect of a person's life: their money. Money is a tool, a means, not an end. Now, I'm sure most of us know *that,* but...I see too many people getting the lightbulb turned on w/ regard to $, but then it's like they turn the lightbulb w/ regard to family OFF.

 

Getting out of debt is important. Saving $ for college & retirement are important. BUT you've only got ONE shot at your family. If a dh takes a 2nd job, what does that do to his relationships w/ his dc & his wife? What does that do to *him*?

 

Again, I'm not saying a man should *never* take a 2nd job, I'm just saying I'd look at that VERY carefully. I hope that's ok & not too fwd. Working too much can be to the family a lot like drinking too much. It can be dangerous.

 

As far as $ goes, pray. Pray. Pray. And believe that those prayers will make a difference. If you're like me, you're saying, Well, sure. And in the meantime...? Pray!

 

:iagree: And we are in a tight spot right now, things are tough and scary and we don't even have the mortgage money yet for this month BUT..

My beloved left a horrific job after 8 years where we never saw him. He left before the kids got up and often got home after they were asleep and we were all miserable. No raises, no overtime, on salary and it kept getting worse. NOW for the last year he has worked as a handyman. He has precious time to interact with all of us and we are all happy. I'd forgotten what it was like to have fun as a family. I'd forgotten what it was like to hang out in the evening with the man I adore.

I would rather eat ramen noodles (which, for the record, I hate) 24/7 than lose the time with my dh again.

[Danestress]

But your circumstances are different. I can't begin to say what you should do in your circumstances, and it doesn't really matter what I think anyway, since you and DH are the ones who have to make that decision.

 

Would your husband be willing to make a deal that he will get a second job for a year while you are nursing, and that after that, you will get one?

[Quiver0f10]

We are in the same situation where we need more income but DH doesn't want to/can't take a second job. He also doesn't want me working outside the house, other than when I have a new house to clean, which is a 2-3 day event every 6-8 weeks. I have prayed over it, talked to my DH and I am submitting. My DH knows our financial situtation and as the head of our house, it's in his hands. I know you have cut corners already and my only suggestion is to see what you can do to save and be frugal while at home.

I know how frustrating and scary this can be :grouphug:

[Kelli in TN]

We have had this conversation more than once.

 

Dh would take a second job and I would cut out all of our extra curricular activities to free myself to take in daycare kids.

 

I can't say what would work for your family, but that is how we would handle it. My husband is adament that if I am to earn money it is to be in a way that is least disruptive to our family life. For us, that would be having some extra kids come over everyday so we could still all be in the home together.

 

ETA: I want to add that it would not be worth it to us to send me out into the workplace to earn minimum wage, which is all I would be able to earn. I have no marketable skills and so I would be working fast food or Wal-Mart. I think if I had a marketable skill that could earn a decent hourly wage, I would take on the job.

[Melinda in VT]

In our case, I took a second job. In fact, we've been faced with this issue twice in our marriage, and I got a job both times.

 

Several things factored in to our decision. First, my husband is an excellent father and I just didn't believe that it would be better for the kids to see me all the time and him never. Second, I have work that I enjoy. I actually like being employed and working an office job far more than DH does. Third, although my top salary is not as much as DH would make at his top salary, it is a significant amount of money and provides a real contribution to our household income, even with childcare expenses, etc., deducted. Fourth, I have been very blessed/fortunate to find jobs or have jobs offered to me when I need them. One time, DH and I were both looking, with the idea that whoever found work would take the job. I found a great job. I've been able to find part-time and/or telecommuting jobs that are easier on our family. Fifth, DH is very willing to divide household work along lines other than the traditional gender-based division.

 

Every family is different, so the best course of action will differ from family to family. I do think you need to sit down with your husband and make sure he understands that his income is not meeting the family's needs.

[cin]

I had a part-time job for awhile that was cleanging a small office. Now, I didn't have a nursing child, so I don't know how it would work with that, but to me, it seems like it would be perfect for you. It was 2 nights a week, 3 hours each night, and it paid a whopping $12/hour. So that was $72/wk. DH gets home at 5:00 and I kissed him at the door and took off. I worked from 5:30-8:30 and was home by 9:00.

 

The other thing I thought about for you is before school care. If you are a morning person, this might work out great. In our neighborhood the kids would be gone by 8:30. Personally, I would not do the afterschool care unless they paid REALLY REALLY good becuase that is a busy time for ME. Dinner, and all that stuff. Plus, DH gets home earlier than alot of people (Dinner is usually on the table by 5:00) so that would be a problem. But the morning care....would a couple more kids be that difficult? (IN my case, the kids would be gone before mine are even out of bed, almost!)

 

Just some rambling thoughts from one who only has 2, so taket hem with a grain of salt!

[angela in ohio]

We learned after a few years married that it is always better, for us, for dh to take the extra job. He has worked two or three jobs and gone to school much of the time up until this past year, when he finished grad school.

 

Anytime I had a part-time job, no matter how small it was supposed to be, it was always on my brain and interfered with my homemaking and mothering. Also, it is easier for dh to arrange the schedule of two jobs himself, rather than us trying to juggle schedules.

 

That said, I've never asked dh to take a second job, and I never would. I would just start cutting expenses as much as I could at home. He should see eventually that he doesn't have enough to cover the bills and figure out that he needs to do something.

[TraceyS/FL]

DH recently picked up a 2nd job - at a place he used to work, that wants to hire him back full time.

 

He makes the comments about me getting a job - but i keep asking him when would i work? probably the only day i can put down on a form to be available is all day Sunday.

 

Our childcare would be 30 minutes away - so if he would up running late, i'd have to know an hour ahead of time. It just doesn't make a lot of sense. He's a night owl anyway, so he often does what htey need him to do from 7/8pm - midnight. That way he's home and helps get 1-2 kids in bed.

 

But he can make more at that job in 1 hour than i'd make in 2 at what i'd find, so i think he finally realizes that.

 

We are meeting our basic needs right now - but not much in the extras...

 

:grouphug:

[Jen500]

I think you'd really need to sit down with dh and discuss the whole picture, and then brainstorm for possible solutions. Every family's situation is different. I do agree with previous posts that he should have a job(s) that covers your bills and allows for some savings. In our house, that would be the first goal (considering we've already cut all extra expenses)

My dh does have a 2nd PT job--but he enjoys it and he has plans to make that his FT job when he retires from his gov't job. I work pt also, but more sporadically. When I work, I am paid a lot more than dh at either of his jobs but we've found that the extra money from my working a lot isn't worth the stress on our family.

[Niffercoo]

My husband has the 2nd job, for 2 reasons. The first being that he can make more money at his 2nd job part-time than I could make working twice as many hours. His 2nd job is being a professional musician (something he did full-time before we had children and needed strange things like health insurance and a daddy who wasn't traveling the country 10 months out of the year).

 

The second reason is that he sees his job as the provider and mine as housewife/teacher.

 

I wasn't raised to embrace either of these reasons, which makes it very hard for me during these times when prices are rising and finances are getting tight even with him working both jobs, plus taking on extra music gig as they come up. I was raised with both parents working and the children (or child, as I'm an only child) going to school. It makes me feel very guilty. But my dh insists that he wouldn't have it any other way, especially since our autistic son would be in middle school this coming year.

 

It's not easy on anyone in the family, but in our situation, it's either my husband works his very well-paying 2nd job, or I go back to work full-time (I was a 2nd grade teacher before they were born) and the kids have to go to school.

[sunshine]

[q. I let dh choose whether or not to return to his current job. Both of us knew it would be a big paycut. But, it was a less-stress job for him and his mental health is important to me so I didn't say anything. I guess I was hoping he'd "see" that it was a bad financial move and not do it.

 

In Psalms 31, the ideal woman is described as one who will gently encourage her husband towards what is right. She gives him good advice. The Lord put us here as Helpmates to our husbands. To come beside him and give counsel. "the heart of her husband trusts her, so that he will have no lack of gain"

 

It is okay to counsel you husband in what you may know is the right way for your family. If he chooses not to listen then that is okay too. But sometimes it is best not to withhold wise counsel. But try to do it in the way that I seem to fail utterly and that is with a sweet spirit of help not telling him what to do. Their spirit rebels against this it seems.

If you have a special talent see if there is a market at a nearby consignment shop or specialty shop that would sell something you could make. I am talentless, so we would be out of luck!! I have to make do with cutting back on everything. There are alot of free curriculum sites for your students online. That may help with the school supply problem.

 

I will pray for your situation

:grouphug:

[Sue G in PA]

Thanks everyone for all your advice. My going back to work just doesn't feel right. When dh even suggested it (disguising it as it might be good for my mental health :001_huh:), it made me want to vomit. I HAVE a job. And as RoughCollie said...it's a 24/7 job! As for not asking dh to get a second job...I can see where that might be the smart thing to do (or NOT to do!). However, we're falling behind each month! He chose to go back to a job making LESS money knowing full well that I was expecting another child in a few months, that we were already finding it difficult to make ends meet at his current salary and that opportunities for ME to entertain (clown, face paint) would be ZERO until the baby got older. So, I'm sitting here thinking dh SHOULD get a second job or switch his main job if he could. I've figured out that 90% of my stress (and when I'm stressed I migrate toward depression) is about our income or lack of it. I see that we are falling behind each month, feel powerless to fix it and am seriously ticked that dh isn't doing anything about it! I guess we just need to have it out...and I hate conflict. Dh will just shut down and start the "well I guess I'm worthless" junk that he learned so well from his mother (who does this sort of stuff when confronted, too). How can I start this conversation so that he doesn't feel bad?

[Melinda in VT]

Trying to tread gently here . . .

 

When I read about situations like this on the board, I wonder. Are the husband and wife in agreement on the size their family should be? Because often the husband's actions seem to run counter to the realities of a large family with a stay-at-home parent.

 

Sue, I'm certainly not suggesting that you answer that question here on the board! But if I were in your shoes (based on what I know that you've shared here), that would be the question I was asking myself. If there is a disagreement in that area, I think communicating about that first would be key to any kind of resolution regarding finances.

 

(Again, this is not meant to be critical at all. Just something I offer in case it is helpful. If not, please ignore.)

[Philothea]

We're in a similar boat.

 

I definately think that the husband should be the one to get the second job or work overtime, if you are committed to a lifestyle where the wife is at home and homeschooling.

 

In our case, my husband has more earning power than me if he wanted a second job, and also he could make more money with one overtime shift than I could make with a part-time job. We would actually lose money if he were to miss those overtime opportunities because I was working.

 

I know this isn't always the case, but it really helps if you have a husband who is really committed to "doing whatever it takes to provide." I have friends whose husbands get mad if they suggest working over 40 hours a week to make ends meet.

[Susan in TX]

However, we're falling behind each month! He chose to go back to a job making LESS money knowing full well that I was expecting another child in a few months, that we were already finding it difficult to make ends meet at his current salary and that opportunities for ME to entertain (clown, face paint) would be ZERO until the baby got older. So, I'm sitting here thinking dh SHOULD get a second job or switch his main job if he could. I've figured out that 90% of my stress (and when I'm stressed I migrate toward depression) is about our income or lack of it. I see that we are falling behind each month, feel powerless to fix it and am seriously ticked that dh isn't doing anything about it!

 

You are taking on responsibility that isn't yours. Your DH made the decision to take the pay cut, let him figure out how to make ends meet. I suggest that you calmly tell him that he needs to be the one to pay all the bills and take care of the finances...that you are just too overwhelmed with the baby and everything else. Then ask him to set up a separate checking account for you to pay household expenses like groceries, clothes, homeschool curriculum...everything that you are responsible for purchasing. Let him look at the budget and determine how much can go toward these expenses every month. Let him take care of everything else! Don't spend another second worrying about any of it.

 

Then focus your energy on making the money allotted to you go as far as possible. If dh asks why Junior is wearing pants with holes in the knees, or why there's no (insert dh's favorite food) in the house, sweetly tell him that there wasn't enough money in the household expenses account. But hopefully you won't have this problem.

 

If I recall correctly, you are a Christian. (If you aren't feel free to ignore this.) Whenever I have been concerned about money and how we are going to pay the bills, I meditate on the following from Matthew chapter six:

 

"For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?

And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?

And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these.

But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith!

Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for clothing?'

For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. "

 

These verses have gotten me through some really tough times. I also like to recall how Paul wrote that "we will be content with food and clothing" and I focus on what I do have, today, right now, rather than worrying about where the money is going to come from to pay next month's bills.

 

Susan in TX

[Susan in TX]

Sue, I don't know your situation, & I'm only 29. I think that bears stating up front. But I'd be careful about Dave Ramsey.

 

As far as $ goes, pray. Pray. Pray. And believe that those prayers will make a difference. If you're like me, you're saying, Well, sure. And in the meantime...? Pray!

 

I'm only 39 but I think Aubrey is wise beyond her years. :)

 

Susan in TX

[cin]

I'm only 39 but I think Aubrey is wise beyond her years. :)

 

Susan in TX

 

:iagree: and I'm 43.

[mommaduck]

Sue, you know we've been in that situation. Hubby has done things from delivering pizza at night to cleaning one of the local churches. I've had several home businesses (but that only brought in pin money...this next one will hopefully bring in a bit more, but it's neither here nor there). I've known families where the older children and the husband had a weekend lawn business to bring in extra. You also know I've applied for a position, but it's on weekends (and possibly 3rd shift) so that it doesn't interfere with schooling or caring for my family...plus we have 2 extra adults in our household now to help out with things. Whatever you do, your children are priority, hon :) I know things get tight; I totally get that. But you also know that the Almighty provides :)

[bettyandbob]

It sounds to me like you and your dh are not communicating. I think instead of looking for support for your viewpoint that you should stay home (maybe you should, I don't know that is something that requires analysis only you and your dh can do together) I think you need to sit down and review all finances carefully. Then you should go over all options together. We don't know what your special skills or qualifications are, we don't know what you dh's are. It is true in many cases the primary wage earner could earn more in a second job. However, there may be problems with the first job that prevent this. You need to consider how home responsibilities are handled under each option. In other words, if he wants you to work, how will dinner, laundry , bed be handled. You both need to consider the types of work available for second jobs. Maybe an evening or overnight shift at a store wouldn't pay well, but the discount at the store would help.

 

Now, I don't have the same perspective as you. I only have 3 children. I did work almost fulltime with the first 2 and breast fed them. I pumped a lot of milk and never had to get formula. I have friends who had trouble producing with a pump, so I guess I was lucky. I quit working after homeschooling, but in the last couple of years it's been hard. So, I got one part time job. In Jan, I added a second part time job. My dh is a great father and really picks up the slack when he's home, so he needs time to be a physically present father. My second job I get a significant hourly wage and my first is probably twice minimum wage and offers some perks my kids enjoy. I feel the perks contribute to the family as much as the pay. I grew up with both parents working full time and I grew up with the perspective that everyone works together to do what it takes for the family. To pull off the part time jobs I have to be super organized. I'm not happy with having to be more rigid about how our lessons go because time is pressed, but this is what we do to make things work in our house.

 

The truth is you said you supported him on his job change. You also said he's joked about you working. Him joking and your getting sick at the thought doesn't sound like submissive Christian behavior, it sounds like noncommunication. Spouses need to be open and clear about decisions that affect finances. Families need to work together, if anyone has to work a second job, everyone can help reduce the strain. In other words older children can be doing laundry and making dinner too.

[laylamcb]

I guess we just need to have it out...and I hate conflict. Dh will just shut down and start the "well I guess I'm worthless" junk that he learned so well from his mother (who does this sort of stuff when confronted, too). How can I start this conversation so that he doesn't feel bad?

 

Have you considered counseling? I mean, I know that you don't have the money to pay for regular counseling right now, but is there someone at your church who counsels? (Oops--another assumption that you go to church. Please forgive me if that's not the case. :)) Many churches offer that kind of thing now.

 

The above quote seems to indicate a barrier to communication that is really hard to overcome without openness and a willingness to change and, often, some professional help. YKWIM? Because I'm with you that the thing to have here is an open, honest, "where are we and where are we going financially?" kind of talk.

 

In your situation, I'd lean on prayer and consider a wise, impartial third party.

 

If that's not an option, then I still think that the best approach is the simplest and most straightforward: Just talk to him. No hinting, no guilt-tripping, no hidden agenda. Say what you think in as polite, respectful, and honest a way as possible (and, obviously, all kiddos are in bed for the evening). But before you do, take some deep breaths and make sure that you don't think he's worthless. That's not the message you want to send, after all. You're in this together, right? I got great advice once: Remember that you and your DH are on the same team. You're the [Fill in your last name here] Team! You can make it if you work together; you will fail if you work against each other.

 

Blessings,

Leila

[CactusPair]

:iagree: with Aubrey.

 

I haven't read the other posts bec. Aubrey's stopped me in my tracks. Unless the level of debt is an emergency--losing your house, can't afford to buy necessities without credit--I think a 2nd job takes a tremendous toll on people's health, happiness and marriage.

 

I'd rather pay off more slowly and live as frugally as possible, but that's just me.

 

Are you able to do occasional babysitting or part-time day care for one age appropriate child? That would bring in a little extra if you're able. Or perhaps something else that you could do at home? I know medical transcriptionists work from home sometimes.

 

I personally *would* ask my dh to get a 2nd job if I felt it was important. He could always say no or quit if it got to be too much. I'd let it be his choice after I brought up the idea, so I wouldn't feel like I was making him or putting him in an unfair situation.

 

I tell him my dh to do lots of things and he often says "no":D or ignores me :glare: :)and that's that's :chillpill::001_smile:. But you have to assess your own situation.

 

best wishes

[Chris in VA]

Just wanted to say, I'm praying for you. I have to work this year because of getting into debt foolishly. It's hard, but a growing experience. It seems to me I'm a little like your husband--not that he was foolish, but that I have to bear the consequences of my actions. If he took the job knowing it wasn't enough, then the consequence is less $ and all that entails.

 

Often when I'm in a situation when I have two choices, and neither is appealing, I look for "The 3rd Alternative." It's a little philosophy I use to get me out of the box and ease those desperate feelings of being trapped that happen when I am stewing over two yucky choices.

 

I hope you can find that 3rd alternative.

[Sue G in PA]

Just an update. I spoke to dh this afternoon. He is in agreement that we need to make more money. He understands that I cannot be the one to get the second job right now. He sees that his job isn't making ends meet. Great. BUT...he's not making any moves to remedy the situation! He made excuses as to why he couldn't get the second job. So, I give up. Oh, and somebody mentioned family size and being in agreement on that issue. We are. Dh wanted more children as did I. Sounds stupid, I know. We can't even take care of the ones we have. I know. Heard it all before. I guess I just hoped dh would actually look for a job that made more money instead of settling on this one. I guess he really doesn't have many options. With a degree in English with a concentration in Theatre and a minor in philosophy and not a ton of skills unrelated to academia...your choices are a bit limited. :glare: I obviously didn't marry dh for his income potential. :D

[Nestof3]

I'm not disagreeing with Aubrey here, but the more I read the more I see this isn't just about paying off debt -- it's that there is not enough provision. I really think you do need to get some counsel from your church. Paying off debt and storing away like the ant are equal in wisdom to that of spending time with your children. I am not trying to sound like gloom and doom, but food itself costs so much more as the children get older -- they eat much more. Things are not likely to get less expensive but more.

[kalanamak]

I will say, though, that my husband (in his former marriage) delivered pizzas at night as his second job.

 

Mine tossed pizzas at night, or did janitorial.

 

I'd sit down and share your feelings, if possible, while nursing. :)

 

My hubby will tell you what a shock it was to suddenly become a stay at home dad to a 5 week-old, including hauling him down to my work so I could nurse.

[Sue G in PA]

I'm not disagreeing with Aubrey here, but the more I read the more I see this isn't just about paying off debt -- it's that there is not enough provision. I really think you do need to get some counsel from your church. Paying off debt and storing away like the ant are equal in wisdom to that of spending time with your children. I am not trying to sound like gloom and doom, but food itself costs so much more as the children get older -- they eat much more. Things are not likely to get less expensive but more.

 

Yes, it is about basic provision. If it were only about debt-reduction...I probably wouldn't have posted. It was about debt-reduction when dh had is higher paying job. Now, it's about basic provision...food, clothing, gas, bills, etc. Anybody know how dh could go about getting a tutoring job w/ the school district? I'm sure there are plenty kids who are in need of it, but how to get started offering services is another thing. Any ideas?

[Erica in PA]

What do you all think? Is it fair to ask him to take on a second job?

 

In my experience, in our family, it works better for dh to take on a second job. We have tried a few times over the years for me to work a part-time job, and it doesn't work out for any of us (me, dh, or the kids.) When dh takes on a second job, he's more tired than usual, but that is the only real drawback. He is still able to fulfill all his responsibilities, and life goes on pretty much as usual. It doesn't affect any of us as much as it does when I work. It is even harder on dh for me to be the one working, rather than him.

 

A lot of it depends on your particular situation. If your dh has a very demanding, exhausting day job that might change things. Dh is an artist, who loves his job. He will gladly tell you that my day as a homeschooling, full-time mom and homemaking is much more draining than his day at work. He has more energy at the end of the day than I do, so working another job is more doable. It also doesn't affect the children as much when he works at night... we stay in our usual schedule, and though the kids miss their dad, they're not as disrupted as they are when it's me leaving. Meals, bedtime, evening chores, etc.-- these things don't go as smoothly when I'm not home.

 

It's not ideal for either parent to work a second job (I do consider homeschooling and homemaking a full-time job, so working in the evenings would be a second job for me, too). It takes valuable family time away either way. The best thing is for the income-generating husband to find work that will support the family. But as a short term solution, in our family it has worked best for dh to be the one to bring in the extra money.

 

Erica

[Susan in TX]

Yes, it is about basic provision. If it were only about debt-reduction...I probably wouldn't have posted. It was about debt-reduction when dh had is higher paying job. Now, it's about basic provision...food, clothing, gas, bills, etc.

 

I would focus on reducing expenses rather than getting a 2nd job. So often more income just means more things you NEED to spend it on (Don't ask me how I know).

 

Susan in TX

[Mosaicmind]

Dh took a second job last October working for Sears. He has a crazy schedule at his main job and Sears was very willing to work with him on hours. Besides the added income we get 10% off everything at Sears and K-Mart, which is very nice.

 

It was not a decision we made lightly but took a lot of time and prayer in considering this. It has been ok for us, but would be great if he didn't have to have the second job.

 

I am getting my degree in psych right now so that eventually I can work part-time and help out then maybe he can quit his second job.

[Jen500]

Yes, it is about basic provision. If it were only about debt-reduction...I probably wouldn't have posted. It was about debt-reduction when dh had is higher paying job. Now, it's about basic provision...food, clothing, gas, bills, etc. Anybody know how dh could go about getting a tutoring job w/ the school district? I'm sure there are plenty kids who are in need of it, but how to get started offering services is another thing. Any ideas?

Do you have any of those little schools around you like Phoenix Univ, etc? Sometimes they hire PTers to teach a specific class. This is what my dh does, at several different schools. He has a Masters degree but some of them do hire instructors with Bachelor's.

[GSMP]

There are a couple of online highschools that were looking for English majors.

 

Check with the local school board....they would be the one to register with for tutoring.....

 

I would look into places like Stayer university and other satellite schools. I know these places are always looking for teachers.

 

I felt bad when you mentioned him saying that he would get depressed and say he wasn't taking care of his family.

 

That is where your encouragement comes in....build him up. Love him and just let him know that he is always in your thoughts and prayers.

 

When it comes to providing for their family, this is an ego area for men. I don't mean this in a negative way. That is the way they were designed, to be the hunter gatherer's.....

 

Newspapers look for editor's...there is a lot he can do.....it's just finding the opportunities....

 

Hugs to all of you Sue.......

[Aubrey]

Just an update. I spoke to dh this afternoon. He is in agreement that we need to make more money. He understands that I cannot be the one to get the second job right now. He sees that his job isn't making ends meet. Great. BUT...he's not making any moves to remedy the situation! He made excuses as to why he couldn't get the second job. So, I give up. Oh, and somebody mentioned family size and being in agreement on that issue. We are. Dh wanted more children as did I. Sounds stupid, I know. We can't even take care of the ones we have. I know. Heard it all before. I guess I just hoped dh would actually look for a job that made more money instead of settling on this one. I guess he really doesn't have many options. With a degree in English with a concentration in Theatre and a minor in philosophy and not a ton of skills unrelated to academia...your choices are a bit limited. :glare: I obviously didn't marry dh for his income potential. :D

 

Sue,

 

I haven't been able to get you off my mind all day--which is good, because I've been praying for you guys.

 

The more I think about it, though, the more I think this problem is deeper than $.

 

There was a time when dh & I were not making ends meet, & it was because he was either not working or working an insufficient job. The fact that he couldn't see that *hurt.*

 

I'd guess that your dh feels like there *isn't* anything he can do, so he's doing nothing. It seems like men tend toward paralysis in situations like that. Women, otoh, tend toward martyrdom. This seems to create bigger problems, deeper chasms, & the original problem is no longer *the* problem.

 

Can God provide a better job or more income for your dh? Sure. But...based on my own experience, you want dh to not *just* realize that he *needs* that (although that's a good first step), but also to *pursue* it. To some extent, I think this will be an ongoing battle between men & women & our basic natures. Something to do w/ the curse.

 

Ime, dh & I got to the point of separation. I only spent one night away from home, but I was looking for a job & an apt, & I was very pg w/ #1. Dh was the one to come to the point of desperation; he was the one to pray & give himself up wholly to faith in God to change the situation. I will ALWAYS be grateful to him for that. His choice for faith when I would have given up saved our marriage, & our marriage is by far the BEST thing that has ever happened to me.

 

But it could have gone another way. *I* could have had the faith, too. *I* could have trusted God w/ my dh & our finances, if I hadn't been so afraid. Being raised as poor as I had been, I completely rejected hope when things got rough. I rejected God, my husband, everything except what I could see & touch. I could rely on myself, except that I was so pregnant. Ds7's unplanned timing, as much as anything, helped us, because it forced me to stay dependent on God & dh when I would have otherwise much more easily fled.

 

I hope that story is ok to share, because I know that's not your situation exactly. I"m just trying to say that I know what it's like to be dependent on someone who doesn't seem to understand how helpless you are w/out them. To even have to consider a job when you've got 7 dc & one nursing is scary & infuriating.

 

So my suggestion is to do what I didn't do: love & pray for your dh like your life depends on it. The change that you need to see is not merely financial but emotional. You need to see that he cares for you, & you need to feel secure in your circumstances.

 

The thing that God has shown me w/ regard to this over the yrs is that my hope, my security is not in my dh. However good (or bad) his intentions are, he can't control being laid off, sickness, death, etc. My dh loses important stuff like normal people lose popcorn at the movie theater. There was a time that this infuriated me. Then I came to realize he couldn't help it, & it just scared me. A lot. Finally, I realized, God's hand is on him. We've always been ok.

 

Now, when he loses stuff or forgets stuff or whatever, it's so much easier to...love him & support him through that weakness. To even sometimes be grateful that he has the weakness so that I can feel a little closer to his league, lol.

 

Things will be ok. Choose faith & love, not fear. And know that I don't say that lightly. We're walking a fine line now.

[Tutor]

((Sue)) I am so sorry. Dh and I have been through very difficult financial times ourselves (if you saw my answer to the income source post, you'd see that we're still juggling). Our financial situation hit an all-time low about 6 years ago, and caused dh to have an emotional breakdown, caused a HUGE strain on our marriage, and both of us suffered spiritually. We are still paying off the debt we accrued at that time. Looking back now, I can still feel the emotional hurt, but I can also see the great wisdom and faith we gained by going through that.

 

I know that your dh doesn't want to think of taking a job that is not his dream and keeps him away from his family right now. (Doesn't he commute a good distance from your home to get to work?) There were many nights when my dh was waiting tables (the weekend tips alone paid for our monthly groceries), mopping floors, constructing cardboard boxes, etc that I know he was thinking to himself, "This is what my parents spent big bucks sending me to G-burg for?!" He felt like a failure. Like he had disappointed me, the kids, his parents, God. But I was never more proud. He was sacrificing his dreams, his ideals, to provide for those he loved. He slowly began to see work as a privilege. He began to see his various part-time jobs as a way of meeting interesting people he otherwise wouldn't have met and to uncover skills he never realized he had. It gave him confidence to know that no matter how bad things got, he could provide for his family.He purposed to be the best at what he did even if he didn't really enjoy it. He began to take great pride in his work and was surprised when the joy followed.

 

I don't mean to sound like all rainbows and sunshine. This time was very, very hard. We considered divorce. Dh and I ate two small meals a day so that the kids could have three square meals. We had to ask family and friends for money. We had to contact creditors and businesses and ask for mercy. I suffered almost constant migraines from all the stress. I hope to never go through anything like that again. But in hindsight and after much growth and changes in attitude toward work, marriage, and joy/contentment, we are able to see that time as a positive, albeit painful, one, and we know that we could not only survive but thrive if we faced similar difficulties again.

 

If you are not able to meet your daily needs, you need to let your church family know. And as Aubrey said, you need to be in prayer for your dh and your finances and yourself. We'll be praying here.