Why does it seem like I'm the only one upset by this??

[HappyLady]

I posted on here before how my 16 (now 17) year old nephew started smoking, drinking, and doing some sort of drug. It broke my heart to hear this because I love him like a son and out of my sister's 3 children, he was the last one I'd ever expect this from. My nephew came home a few times drunk/high and he was grounded, but that was about it. He couldn't go out. No privileges were lost.

 

Today, my sister told me the other day my nephew came home apparently high and both she and her DH called him out on it. He denied it, but it was obvious. Now, my BIL is a former drug user. He used hard core drugs for at least 15 years. I saw what it did to my sister's family until he finally realized he needed to stop. He's now a drug counselor for NA. He's passionate about it, too. He runs at least 3 meetings per week and has even brought my nephew to some (way before my nephew started doing all this). I asked my sister if she punished my nephew and she said no because they had no proof. What??!!!!

 

Then today I saw that my nephew "liked" a page on Facebook about pot. The page says you have to be 18 to like it and the whole page just glorifies smoking pot. I immediately PM'd my sister on Facebook and told her about it and her response was, "LOL, I'll go look at it." LOL???? Seriously??? And as of a few minutes ago, the page was still "liked" by my nephew.

 

Please tell me if your 16 year old was coming home drunk/high you'd be a little bit more upset than my sister (and surprisingly her DH) appear to be. I just don't get it. I know no teenager is going to be perfect, but I still think you need to do something about drinking and drug use!

 

Thanks for listening. You just have no idea how upset I am by all of this. :(

[PachiSusan]

I would be supremely upset and worried for my nephew.

[Barb_]

Maybe she is embarrassed and overwhelmed and is downplaying the situation because she feels you are judging her.

[Danestress]

I don't blame you for worrying.

 

But at the same time, I wonder if maybe you need to just back down. I am close to my sisters, but I honor my kids privacy. I actually would not consider it any of their business how I handled any particular parenting issue. We do talk about parenting things, but especially when a child reached this age, I would really not want to be talking about my child with my sisters in a way that he would object to. It's really between the parents and the child, especially when it comes to consequences for behavior, and if anyone started having a strong opinion about how I should handle a parenting issue, it would make me even more determined to put up a wall and not share my feelings and response to challenges like this. Is it possible some of that is going on?

[Catwoman]

I would be supremely upset and worried for my nephew.

 

 

Yes, this. Exactly.

 

I would also be very concerned if the kid's parents weren't trying to take any action to help him. I think Bean has a right to tell her sister what she thinks (hopefully in a tactful way,) because her sister was the one who gave her the initial information about the problem. I'm not saying she should harp on it or anything, but I do think it's OK for her to make her feelings known. This isn't some minor little thing.

[TeenagerMom]

A lot of people (even former drug abusers) feel that Pot isn't any worse than smoking cigarettes and actively campaign to have it legalized. Could this be a similar situation and your sister isn't telling you because she knows you will not approve?

[Joker]

When I was at my most rebellious, my mom's therapist told her not to come down on me hard. My dad was seriously about to go ballistic on me, but they didn't. I am forever grateful. Maybe your sis is getting outside help and/or is trying something different to reach her son. There are other ways besides grounding and losing privileges.

[J-rap]

It is sad, and it sounds like you really care a lot for your nephew.

 

I don't have any advice, except that I have seen several families where one of the parents used to be a heavy drug user who had come clean before they ever had children. However, the children still fall into years of drug abuse until they really hit bottom. There must be some subtle ways of handling problems or life's temptations that are passed on without the parents even realizing it. I don't really understand it. I do know that a lot parents are conflicted about how to best handle it. Maybe your sister and BIL are handling it, but in ways that you cannot see?

 

Maybe they are in the midst of sorting through all of this now, and hopefully they'll come up with a healthy solution for their son before it gets worse.

[Ghee]

((Bean)) If that were my child, I'd be hitting the roof. I hope it's that your sister and her husband are handling this quietly, and not that they just aren't paying attention. It's hard to be someone who cares passionately about something and have others, the people you think SHOULD be feeling strongly about it, acting like they have no interest.

 

Surely, surely, surely your BIL has his antennae up since he is an addict and counselor.

[albeto]

Please tell me if your 16 year old was coming home drunk/high you'd be a little bit more upset than my sister (and surprisingly her DH) appear to be. I just don't get it. I know no teenager is going to be perfect, but I still think you need to do something about drinking and drug use!

 

 

Depends on the context. I'd rather my kids be open about their habits than to hide them for fear of retribution. Precious relationships are damaged when trust is non-existent, and little can be accomplished when people hold back information, imo. But then, I don't think getting high is such a bad thing, all things considered.

[albeto]

I think Bean has a right to tell her sister what she thinks (hopefully in a tactful way,) because her sister was the one who gave her the initial information about the problem.

 

 

Can you explain how this is a "right"?

[gaillardia]

What I think is weird is that in these times when kids are using drugs and drinking they are going way over the top early on and staying that way. When your bil started out he may have taken baby steps, a user who through years of practicing became addicted to whatever.

Maybe they don't think it's that bad. Maybe they are in denial.

Maybe they are thinking he has to hit bottom. Maybe they are afraid of the confrontation.

It hurts, and it is sad. Have you tried NarAnon?

[myfunnybunch]

I've been in the middle of a very hard time for awhile now. I've talked and cried and researched and prayed. Snd I'm sur I'm not looking as upset as I ought to. Bit there comes a point where you just can't talk about stuff all the time. You're sick of it, of the word you have to use over and over because there aren't any adequate to the pain and worry and fear. Do you stop talking. Or you're on. Some parents I know are do trapped and have done what they can with the emotional and financial resources they have. They're just hanging on by a thread until the kid is 18 and leaves. Or whatever the line one the sand is.

 

Maybe the thing to do is not to be upset about how the longs are going but just to come alongside and stand there.

 

BTW things are looking up for my situation...but I hope I never forget the pain. Maybe it will be redeemed somehow.

 

This. A thousand times, this.

 

Bean, it must be difficult, no, heartbreaking to be on the outside watching this happen. :grouphug: And it may seem like they aren't upset because after a while, all of the upset gets used up, and there's no emotional energy left to deal with conversations about what you should be doing or how you shoud be reacting. You just power through as best you can and pray you all come out on the other side.

 

Patty Joanna, thank you for sharing so deeply. Praying for you, tht whatever burden you're carrying continue to lighten and that you find that redemption. :grouphug:

[sewingmama]

Having watch my brother do drugs and such at that age...there isn't really much you can do except talk to the child and help them see reason.

 

You can ground them, you can scream, you can call the police on them and the only thing that will happen is you will ruin the relationship. That doesn't mean you sit back and take it. My mum kicked my brother out the day my 5 yo sister went into his room and came out holding a needle.

 

My brother didn't get his act together till he had his own daughter and that he cleaned up for her....nobody can make them do anything unless they want to.

 

I would be concerned. I would try talking to my nephew and offering support and I would try talking to his parents gently.

 

Just because they don't seem to be acting punitively doesn't mean they aren't doing anything at all. It's fine for you to let her know about the Facebook thing....but what they do about it is their own business.

 

Your sister needs support right now...not judgement.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:

 

I have no advice at all.

I am just about fanatical anti-drugs.

My SIl openly boasts about how she gave all her children drugs when they turned 16. they of course all still take drugs regularly. Her dh is now a drug dealer. I am glad they live in another country and hope I never have to come in contact with them again.

What would I do if one of my children took drugs? I really don't know. I don't think I have the inner strength to handle something like that. To me drug taking is a HUGE issue.

[Joanne]

He's now a drug counselor for NA.

 

FYI, there is no such thing. :)

 

NA is a group of on professionals structured in a way to help each other, peer to peer.

 

Research supports the reality that drug/alcohol problems are bio/social/psycho - and most peer reviewed research supports that there is a genetic component. It is not surprising, then, that this child would have the disease of substance abuse that begins the bio/neuro/chemical process of a need for more that builds the momentum of over-use.

 

Your care, concern, and alarm are understandable and supportable. The progression of disease in a teen brain is accelerated due to the vulnerability of the teen brain; drug/alcohol use happens at times of great brain activity and a lack of frontal cortex maturity. The earlier and more frequent the first experiementation, the potentially quicker the progression of disease. Teens can progress into substance dependency in 3-5 years whereas if an adult has their first interaction at 21, it can take up to 12 years.

 

It is exacerbated by the teen culture and development. The nature of teens is a social/cultural environment that can reinforce the using behavior (and exacerbate the disease progression.)

 

All that said; there is little YOU can do, and honestly little the parents can do. It is counter productive to severely restrict to home a near adult. Getting him into some kind of "program" is not necessarily a helpful thing at this point (and I don't speak lightly here, I RUN such a program !!). Like it or not, the teen culture is party-centered and the statistical majority experiment with substances. Most *bodies*, however, are not at risk for the progression of substance abuse and most experimenting teens will move through and out of that stage.

 

Drug awareness programs offered to kids are developmentally and functionally a miss. D.A.R.E., for example, is offered at a time when kids follow and are rigid rule followers. They take in the information, dutifully pledge to not go there - all at a time when their thinking, hormones, drive, peer culture, and values don't work against the committment. When they become teens, all that changes and the drug awareness is moot. (My clients were talking about D.A.R.E. last night as adults, parents and teens.)

 

The culture of marijuana is a troubling one - and I am not anti-marijuana. A human seeking to sustain a level of consumption of marijuana is going to be attracted to material that supports that - hence the Facebook page. In a teen, I'd consider it an immature action, driven by immaturity and lack of critical thinking.

 

I would encourage you, again, if you are going to continue to worry and stress about this to educate YOURSELF about the disease of substance abuse. It's not likely you'll be in a position to help, but you won't be ANY help unless you understand the nature of the beast.

[Rebecca VA]

If I were you, I'd find ways to let my nephew know I was "there" if he ever wanted to talk, or if he ever needed to tell someone something. I'd probably say it in a meaningful way, not a light-hearted kind of way.

 

There might come a time when your nephew has no one to turn to, and if his parents aren't taking him seriously, he may very well turn to you.

[Spryte]

I would be extremely worried and concerned. :grouphug: I would not want to sit back and just watch either.

 

Is your nephew's father the BIL who is in drug counseling and NA? I would think that he probably has a few insights into how to handle things, and maybe they are taking an approach that is different from the one you'd take?

 

Substance abuse is so difficult, and the answers are not clear cut. I wish I didn't know that. :crying: Sometimes the punitive approach, with removing all privileges etc, can backfire. I don't know the answers, but I do know that coming down super hard on an addict that age might sometimes be an approach that alienates rather than helps the kids see reason (actually, addiction isn't about seeing reason or not, there are other processes at work, and with your nephew's history, he really didn't have much of a chance). Maybe your sister and BIL are taking some other approach to nephew's situation. Have you asked them?

 

I'm so sorry.

[bettyandbob]

Your sister's family is going through something extremely difficult. You should be concerned for your nephew, but you really can't do anything and it will not help to admonish your sister for not doing anything. You do not know what they are doing and you do not know what they have done for this child in the past. You only know what she has told you. Keep that in mind. She doesn't need you volunteering ideas for punishment or telling her she isn't doing enough. You have no idea all she has done.

 

In response to your discussing nephews fb posts, I know that some of my reactions to situations have seemed inappropriate to others, but that reactions were all that I had left to give at the time. You do not know the complexities of her emotional state and you do not understand the level and extent of her efforts to keeps nephews struggles private.

 

At this point, she may not see you as caring at all. Just judging.

 

I would like to suggest you take a step back. As Joanne suggests, get educated. Be friendly to nephew when you see him. Don't talk to your sister so much about this now. Talk to her about other stuff that's going on. Let her bring up nephew when she's ready.

[Catherine]

I would also be extremely worried, but IMO you are in a very different position from a parent here. Unfortunately, it's a powerless position and you may find that saying too much will lead to distancing.

 

As far as handling one's own substance-abusing child, I differ with some other posters. Of course, much depends on the child's age, but I think removing the kid from the culture, as much as possible, can be very effective, particularly if they are on the younger side. I think I probably handled this in a far more authoritarian way than many of you here describe, but my child was 13, so it was much easier to control the situation. And in fact, to some extent, what you are trying to achieve is waiting things out until more maturity is in place. It does happen.

 

I am a bit surprised though at the permissive attitudes I observe here in my community about pot. For the kid who has a personality or genetic vulnerability to substance abuse, pot is to be avoided at all costs IMO. It introduces them to doing something illegal on a regular basis, and puts them in contact with drug dealers. Once that barrier has been crossed, one of the biggest barriers to substance abuse is gone-the social, legal and family stigma of it. I've often heard people say that they'd rather their child smoke pot than drink because drunks are violent etc. I get that, but pursuing marijuana puts a kid in contact with drug dealers of one kind or another and IMO that is far more harmful than the drug itself. The jump to bigger substances is much, much smaller at that point.

[Joanne]

I would also be extremely worried, but IMO you are in a very different position from a parent here. Unfortunately, it's a powerless position and you may find that saying too much will lead to distancing.

 

As far as handling one's own substance-abusing child, I differ with some other posters. Of course, much depends on the child's age, but I think removing the kid from the culture, as much as possible, can be very effective, particularly if they are on the younger side. I think I probably handled this in a far more authoritarian way than many of you here describe, but my child was 13, so it was much easier to control the situation. And in fact, to some extent, what you are trying to achieve is waiting things out until more maturity is in place. It does happen.

 

I am a bit surprised though at the permissive attitudes I observe here in my community about pot. For the kid who has a personality or genetic vulnerability to substance abuse, pot is to be avoided at all costs IMO. It introduces them to doing something illegal on a regular basis, and puts them in contact with drug dealers. Once that barrier has been crossed, one of the biggest barriers to substance abuse is gone-the social, legal and family stigma of it. I've often heard people say that they'd rather their child smoke pot than drink because drunks are violent etc. I get that, but pursuing marijuana puts a kid in contact with drug dealers of one kind or another and IMO that is far more harmful than the drug itself. The jump to bigger substances is much, much smaller at that point.

 

I agree with this post, and especially the age-adjustments made in it.

[Harriet Vane]

I would also be extremely worried, but IMO you are in a very different position from a parent here. Unfortunately, it's a powerless position and you may find that saying too much will lead to distancing.

 

As far as handling one's own substance-abusing child, I differ with some other posters. Of course, much depends on the child's age, but I think removing the kid from the culture, as much as possible, can be very effective, particularly if they are on the younger side. I think I probably handled this in a far more authoritarian way than many of you here describe, but my child was 13, so it was much easier to control the situation. And in fact, to some extent, what you are trying to achieve is waiting things out until more maturity is in place. It does happen.

 

I am a bit surprised though at the permissive attitudes I observe here in my community about pot. For the kid who has a personality or genetic vulnerability to substance abuse, pot is to be avoided at all costs IMO. It introduces them to doing something illegal on a regular basis, and puts them in contact with drug dealers. Once that barrier has been crossed, one of the biggest barriers to substance abuse is gone-the social, legal and family stigma of it. I've often heard people say that they'd rather their child smoke pot than drink because drunks are violent etc. I get that, but pursuing marijuana puts a kid in contact with drug dealers of one kind or another and IMO that is far more harmful than the drug itself. The jump to bigger substances is much, much smaller at that point.

 

:iagree:

 

I would add that I observed distinct personality and cognitive changes in someone who was dear to me when she was smoking pot. I observed the same negative changes in a classmate of mine, who lost all ability to play basketball. (Prior to smoking pot he had been a promising first-string point guard.) It's not harmless.

[Alexigail]

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this- I know how hard it is to see a loved one deal with addiction. It can be very hard not to blame people- the addict, the parents, the schools, society, yourself, etc etc. but the reality is it's not anyone's fault and he may have to come to this on his own. It's quite possible that his parents are in denial about it, which can be infuriating. On the other hand, it's quite possible that they have a plan and you're just not in on it. Some people respond well to boundaries, others don't.

I think the best thing that you can do is to learn more about addiction and how it works. If you're affected by another person using, it can be helpful to seek help for yourself. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with how you're feeling or what you're doing. Learning more and sorting out your feelings and role in his life can help you to strengthen your relationships, which get strained very easily by addiction. Good luck. I really hope things get better.

[StaceyinLA]

I can totally understand your concern and frustration, but honestly, I would not be "tattling" to my sister about things I saw on her child's FB page. I don't think that is my responsibility, and I feel like if my nieces and nephews welcome me into those areas of their lives, I owe them the respect of not butting in. I feel like it would be my siblings' jobs to monitor such things if they had concerns. (Okay, if I saw one was planning to bomb a building or commit murder or suicide, yes) Honestly, there are times my own children have posted things that I might've considered inappropriate, but I felt that was an area they COULD exclude me from easily, and if they are willing to let me be involved, I'm not going to lecture them for every dumb thing they post or like (and yes, I'm SURE at least a couple have liked things about pot in the past).

 

Something along these lines caused a HUGE feud between two of my sisters some years ago. One sister was constantly telling another sister about things her daughter was doing. Ultimately, after a very heated and brutal argument, these two sisters didn't speak for nearly two years.

 

I'd say if your sister discusses things, gently offer up concerns and support. However, if not specifically asked for help, I'd not be giving advice.