Important Thread! "What to look for" re dangerous situations and personal safety

[unsinkable]

I hope people join in.

 

My own personal thing that I make sure my kids know is the "second location" theory. Don't go quietly to a second location.

 

Basically, it means, fight like hell if someone tries to abduct you in public. Don't believe him if he says "come quietly and I won't hurt you." Scream, yell, throw yourself around, make a huge scene.

 

If he is trying to take you in public, he is planning to hurt you very badly when he gets you alone.

 

ETA: I teach them lots more, but this theory always has stuck with me.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I look in the back seat and the open trunk of the SUV before getting in. Our car doors automatically lock so I do not worry about carjacking but we have discussed it.

 

Do not go into an enclosed area if your "spidey sense" is tingling. Ie. elevators or back rooms or enclose hallways etc.

 

Do not keep secrets - just surprises.

 

Stay in well lighted areas at night.

[chiguirre]

If I have to walk alone at night, I thread my keys between my fingers. I learned that one at freshman orientation at my urban university. I've never been mugged and I'm sure having an obvious weapon in my hand has helped.

[Guest inoubliable]

Be aware. Don't go quietly.

 

If that doesn't work, I guess I'll have to marry Liam Neeson. He has a very particular set of skills, you know.

[NotSoObvious]

My girls took this class. It was awesome.

 

http://www.radkids.org/

[unsinkable]

My girls took this class. It was awesome.

 

http://www.radkids.org/

 

 

Can you share a valuable thing they learned?

[Brilliant]

Read The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift. I saw these books recommended here several years ago and I've taught my kids (now teens) many of his principles about making a scene, asking for help, etc.

 

Oh, since you're asking for a specific idea to teach your kids, here's one from the book: If you (a kid) are ever lost or need help, ask a mom with kids. Don't go to a security guard - go directly to a mom. She will almost certainly take you to a security guard but will most likely stay with you until you are safely back with your own parent.

 

We probably need a refresher now that my dd is so independent.

[Catwoman]

Be aware. Don't go quietly.

 

If that doesn't work, I guess I'll have to marry Liam Neeson. He has a very particular set of skills, you know.

 

 

And who cares if any of them involve safety? :drool5:

 

(But it does seem like a lot of the people he knows end up getting Taken... and not in the good way.)

[Unicorn.]

Look people in the face when you are walking alone, especially men. They are less likely to attack you if you look at them. forget where i read that... If someone is following you, turn around and look at them, change direction, go where there are people.

[Guest inoubliable]

 

And who cares if any of them involve safety? :drool5:

 

(But it does seem like a lot of the people he knows end up getting Taken... and not in the good way.)

 

 

I've got Taken2 for tonight's entertainment. Yum...

[MyThreeSons]

I once read that a child should yell out something like, "This is NOT my father!" so that people don't assume it's a case of a parent escorting a resistant child.

[Brilliant]

 

I've got Taken2 for tonight's entertainment. Yum...

 

 

I had a Redbox coupon for Saturday night & wanted to get Taken 2, but I couldn't talk the family into it. We watched Wreck-it Ralph instead, blah! I'll have to wait until next time hubby is out of town for Taken 2 since he said he is DONE after the original Taken. :confused1: What's his problem?

[Catwoman]

I'll have to wait until next time hubby is out of town for Taken 2 since he said he is DONE after the original Taken. :confused1: What's his problem?

 

Perhaps he didn't appreciate all the drooling you did every time Liam Neeson was onscreen. ;)

[Parrothead]

If someone pulls a gun on you, run. It is hard to hit a moving target.

 

Don't fight for your purse. Just give it to the loser. Then run, It is hard to hit a moving target.

 

Tell your kids to yell "fire" instead of "your not my mom" People will listen to fire. And if they get away they should run. It is hard to catch a moving target.

[Guest inoubliable]

I once read that a child should yell out something like, "This is NOT my father!" so that people don't assume it's a case of a parent escorting a resistant child.

 

This reminds me... once, when I was maybe four or five, my uncle had taken my cousin (about the same age) and me to the local Sears to pick something up. As we're walking toward the exit, Kate picks something up and my uncle tersely tells her to put it back - NOW. She puts it back but then starts wailing "Don't HIT me, Daddy!". I can still remember how red my uncle's face got, and how every. single. person. there. turned to stare at us while he dragged us out of the store. To this day no one knows why she kept yelling that - there was no abuse in that family. My aunt thought it was hilarious.

[Heather in Neverland]

I once read that a child should yell out something like, "This is NOT my father!" so that people don't assume it's a case of a parent escorting a resistant child.

 

This is so important. How many times have you seen a child screaming at a mall or a grocery store and assumed they were just having a tantrum? People generally, will not step in.

 

But if a child is yelling "HE IS NOT MY DAD!" Someone may step in and help.

 

 

[Dolphin]

I love protecting the gift, it really has changed what I teach my kids.

 

We have always drilled in the stay with the adult mom and dad have trusted you with. If someone you knows shows up and says they are taking you to mom, go to the adult you came with.

 

We have a "game" we play in the car. I say different scenarios and the kids tell me what to do. We started easy with "Hey little boy, I have lost my dog can you help me find him." Then when he was in school and going on his first field trip I did a security guard comes up to you and says "your mom has been in a car accident and I need to take you to the hospital." I try to make it different everytime. Sometimes it is a stranger, sometimes people they know.

 

I have also drilled into them that if someone ever tells them not to tell their parents something as we will be mad at them or stop loving them, to agree with them until they are back with us. That someone saying that is a sign they are with a bad guy, and that is a lie as they know there is nothing they can say or do that will ever make us stop loving them. They get safe, and then they tell us.

[Jean in Newcastle]

We have a codeword - they are not to go with anyone as a change of plans unless the person gives them the codeword. Only my kids and dh and I know the codeword.

[Supertechmom]

Never go quietly.

 

CUSS big giant sailor words. Make one blush kind of words People will turn and stare at that while they may ignore other words

 

Walk with keys in hand like PP said above Never leave the building without keys in hand. Never wander in the parking lot looking for your car. Stand at the door and FIND IT. Then walk to it.

 

Walk with purpose. Head up, Stride heavy, turn your head and scan as you walk. As my dad said, walk like you would

be way too much to bother with.

 

Approach vehicle from behind, look in the windows and check the seats and floors BEFORE unlocking. Open door and then lock it as quickly as you can. Don't dilly dally about getting in. Kids need to GET IN and shut the door. I just make it a rule. Get it and get in now. I do not have time to stand around while you take your sweet time messing with your car seat.

 

If you see someone and feel they are might be watching you, go back inside.

 

Corral the kids in the parking lot. Don't let them sidetrack you or distract you. train them to look for the car and to get there. The mission is to get from the store and in the car as quickly as possible.

 

Learn to judge "stuff" as to how well someone could hide behind it and then jump out.. Given that everyone tired to scare the daylights out of me growing up , this one was easy.

 

If someone makes you feel icky, weird, or not right DO NOT BE POLITE. You don't have to be polite. You don't have to consider their feelings or how they feel or what if they get upset. SO what??? If you feel funny on the elevator get off! Who cares if they will feel . You are alive and out of a confined space with some stranger that makes you feel weird

 

Don't be hesitant to voice Firmly and loudly your feelings. Remember you don't have to be polite. The old man that creeps up behind you and gets too close at the store may very well be a nice man without a clue but he will think twice the next time that maybe he should SAY something before tapping someone else on the shoulder and scaring the crap out of her. :leaving: (I'm not sure if he scared me or that knowing someone got that close to me and I DIDN'T know it scared me)

 

Tell people you don't know who are purposefully approaching you that NO, you don't want any and hold your hand up and out (like a stop sign). People not looking for trouble will not continue toward you. IF they do, walk away back to the store Yelling loudly .

 

Never get closer to a car that has stopped and they are talking to you. BACK up and away and shout the answer. Don't let anyone get in arm's reach. Just because they want to stand beside you on the aisle doesn't mean you have to let them.

 

Be careful in places where you are suddenly swarmed with two or three people. just extract yourself and put distance between you and them.

 

Never go with anyone else. IF there is trouble with me ( wreck, dead, hospital), there is a chain of command and only certain people will come for you and they know who those people could be). IF it is dad, I AM THE only who will come get you. I will come.

 

IF they threaten you that they will kill me, don't believe it. Just don't. Remember that no matter what, I will turn over every rock, stone, follow every lead and move heaven and hell to find you. I will never ever give up. Neither should you. Have you ever know me to give up? Do not believe the lies of your abductor. after all if they were truthful people, would they have kidnapped you?

 

 

I'll add more as I think about it. Some of it is just now a natural thing to do and I don't even think about it til someone says something.

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

IF they threaten you that they will kill me, don't believe it. Just don't. Remember that no matter what, I will turn over every rock, stone, follow every lead and move heaven and hell to find you. I will never ever give up. Neither should you. Have you ever know me to give up? Do not believe the lies of your abductor. after all if they were truthful people, would they have kidnapped you?

 

 

 

 

 

I've told kids this about m*lestation too - don't believe it if they say not to tell me or they will hurt me. Tell me anyway.

[mommymilkies]

http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1363660017&sr=8-1&keywords=Protecting+the+gift

[Joker]

We've talked a lot about awareness. I was in a store with my family when I was about 8 years old but looking around alone. A woman approached, started asking me questions, and took hold of my arm. I didn't feel panicked until I noticed I was near a rear exit and the woman kept glancing toward a man standing nearby. I tore my arm free and ran to my mom. I don't think my mom believed me (and I don't know the woman meant any harm) but the woman didn't come after me and I was ok. So, if I let my girls go off in a store without me they know to be aware of where they are and who is around them. They also know I will believe them and that it's not ok to joke about that stuff.

[Heather in Neverland]

I was just talking to dh about this thread and then he sent me this short video:

 

Yelling "He is not my dad!" didn't seem to work after all.

 

Why do you think all those people who heard the child yelling that, kept walking? Would YOU stop?

 

I also asked my dh about the idea of teaching the child to cuss really loudly...if that would draw more people to help. He said no. All he would think was "Wow, that brat has quite a mouth on him!" But he also said it depends on where we were. If we saw that HERE, we would step in immediately because it would be so out of the norm. But if we were back in the Detroit area, we wouldn't think twice because we've seen kids cussing out their parents lots of times. It is not unusual.

 

So we were left with: what WOULD work? What would a child have to yell or do in order to get the majority of people walking by to intervene?

[Parrothead]

Yeah, tell your kids over. And over that the bad guys will not kill you. It is a lie and it will not happen.

 

And teach them about secrets. I've told dd time and again that we do not keep secrets unless it about a present or a party. Along the same lines of not keeping secrets from a spouse.

[Parrothead]

I was just talking to dh about this thread and then he sent me this short video:

 

Yelling "He is not my dad!" didn't seem to work after all.

 

Why do you think all those people who heard the child yelling that, kept walking? Would YOU stop?

 

I also asked my dh about the idea of teaching the child to cuss really loudly...if that would draw more people to help. He said no. All he would think was "Wow, that brat has quite a mouth on him!" But he also said it depends on where we were. If we saw that HERE, we would step in immediately because it would be so out of the norm. But if we were back in the Detroit area, we wouldn't think twice because we've seen kids cussing out their parents lots of times. It is not unusual.

 

So we were left with: what WOULD work? What would a child have to yell or do in order to get the majority of people walking by to intervene?

 

This is why I tell dd to yell "FIRE". Most people will look at that point. They will wonder.

[Word Nerd]

One of the things they emphasized at a self-defense class for women I took is that we need to put our intuition and safety over our need to be kind or polite. This is an especially important lesson for women (and girls and boys) who have people-pleaser personalities or who don't like confrontation or making waves. A guest shared her experience of being r@ped by a man who worked at the same company. She agreed to go with him in his car to a company picnic at an outside location, but instead of driving there he took her somewhere else. She didn't want to go with him, and he made her very uncomfortable. But he had always been nice to her and she didn't want to be rude, so she ignored the bad feeling she had about the situation and went anyway.

[mommymilkies]

I was just talking to dh about this thread and then he sent me this short video:

 

Yelling "He is not my dad!" didn't seem to work after all.

 

Why do you think all those people who heard the child yelling that, kept walking? Would YOU stop?

 

I also asked my dh about the idea of teaching the child to cuss really loudly...if that would draw more people to help. He said no. All he would think was "Wow, that brat has quite a mouth on him!" But he also said it depends on where we were. If we saw that HERE, we would step in immediately because it would be so out of the norm. But if we were back in the Detroit area, we wouldn't think twice because we've seen kids cussing out their parents lots of times. It is not unusual.

 

So we were left with: what WOULD work? What would a child have to yell or do in order to get the majority of people walking by to intervene?

 

I was wondering the same thing. I think I, personally, would stop no matter what was being yelled, but I'm not sure what would actually get another person's attention.

[Clarkd]

I agree with the post above. It is better to teach the child to yell fire or to yell call 911 than to yell he's not my dad. I have a friend whose ds learned that in an abduction situation to yell he's not my dad at school. The next week after that school lesson when he didn't get his way in public he yelled "he's not my Dad" and that was a horrible no good very bad day.

[misty.warden]

I agree with the post above. It is better to teach the child to yell fire or to yell call 911 than to yell he's not my dad. I have a friend whose ds learned that in an abduction situation to yell he's not my dad at school. The next week after that school lesson when he didn't get his way in public he yelled "he's not my Dad" and that was a horrible no good very bad day.

 

 

Tying in with the fear thread, how many people fear being reported to the police if their kid misused a code phrase like this? It's terrible to think about but kids may not understand how serious an accusation could be treated, and what about parents being approached by others wanting to know if the screaming child they have is theirs? We'd like to think that parents would appreciate the concern, but working in retail adults responded to me with hostility when I asked to see ID when they use a debit card that says "see ID" on the signature line. Being questioned by a peer doesn't seem to be something people appreciate in parenting context.

[jelbe5]

I remember watching a program with a detective named JJ Bittenbinder. Two things I remember were, throw your wallet or money clip one way and run in the opposite direction and be prepared to drop your valuables and teach your kids to do the same. He told the heartbreaking story of a girl who was chased and then assaulted by a predator. She survived and when questioned about what happened it was learned she did not drop her backpack full of heavy school books (which may have helped her run away faster) because her parents had told her repeatedly that the school books cost $ and she needed to make sure she did not lose the books, etc. It never occurred to anyone to review exceptions.

[Unicorn.]

This is why I tell dd to yell "FIRE". Most people will look at that point. They will wonder.

 

But see, it would make me glance, but if I didn't see any fire or smoke, I would think "bratty kid- why is he yelling fire?"

We taught ours to yell "Stranger!" Followed by "I don't know you! I don't know you!" over and over- while kicking and hitting at the same time.

[Supertechmom]

I was just talking to dh about this thread and then he sent me this short video:

!

 

Yelling "He is not my dad!" didn't seem to work after all.

 

Why do you think all those people who heard the child yelling that, kept walking? Would YOU stop?

 

I also asked my dh about the idea of teaching the child to cuss really loudly...if that would draw more people to help. He said no. All he would think was "Wow, that brat has quite a mouth on him!" But he also said it depends on where we were. If we saw that HERE, we would step in immediately because it would be so out of the norm. But if we were back in the Detroit area, we wouldn't think twice because we've seen kids cussing out their parents lots of times. It is not unusual.

 

So we were left with: what WOULD work? What would a child have to yell or do in order to get the majority of people walking by to intervene?

 

So very true. In my area, it would draw attention cause women and children just don't say that. It is still unusual out in public. I would be shocked to walk around a city and think extreme language normal . I certainly wouldn't see children cussing parents. Just not the norm here. At least in public. Who knows what goes at home. But in public, that is still just not done for the most part. Somebody would notice and step in.

[happypamama]

I tell my kids to find a mommy with kids, but that if they can't find one of those, look for someone who is working. So we look around the grocery store and point out the cashiers with their hats and nametags. Sure, a kid could be abducted by a non-employee who happens to have a nametag, but I think that's pretty rare (what are the odds that a kid has wandered away from Mom AND encounters a kidnapper?); most of the time, if a kid is lost, finding a cashier or someone with a nametag is going to be a pretty safe bet.

 

When we took our 2yo to Disney, we pinned a cell number to the inside of her pocket. I obviously didn't expect that she would remember our number, but she was pretty articulate, and I thought she'd at least be able to tell someone the number was in her pocket. Thankfully, we never had to test that theory.

 

I tell my kids that if anyone ever tries to snatch them, they have my full permission to hit, bite, kick, scream, whatever they need to do, but they will not get in trouble for fighting in that case. I don't think the video linked to above is very believable, personally. My kids would be kicking and shrieking a lot more, I think. I've told them to yell, "This is not my mom/dad," but I think they'd also be yelling something like, "He's trying to take me."

 

I keep my keys in my hand, especially if I'm out by myself at night, and even in the daytime, I'm always scanning the surrounding area. I'd have no problem asking a store employee to escort me to my car if I was worried about anything. (I'm a very small woman. I detest going out at night. I live in an area with a very, very low crime rate, and I'm still slightly paranoid about going out by myself at night.)

[Joanne]

1. You never, ever, ever, ever have to kiss, hug or accept affection someone unless you want to. EVER EVER.
   
2. If someone "creeps you out" or "gives you the heebie jeebies", it's ok for you to not engage with them.
   
3. An adult does not need your help. Especially one you do not know or one that gives you the heebie jeebies.
   

When they are older:

1. Too much "closeness" too soon is a danger sign (of predators, or other things such as control or dysfunction)
   
2. Adults do not need to have alone, special, or private time with you.
   
3. An adult who tells you not to tell your parents something is dangerous.
   
4. Liars use too many details to make things seem safe/believable.
   

[Joker]

1. You never, ever, ever, ever have to kiss, hug or accept affection someone unless you want to. EVER EVER.
    
   
2. If someone "creeps you out" or "gives you the heebie jeebies", it's ok for you to not engage with them.
    
   
3. An adult does not need your help. Especially one you do not know or one that gives you the heebie jeebies.
   

 

 

The above are so important, especially #2. Oldest had a new dental tech a few months ago and told me he creeped her out. She felt bad about saying it and told me it was ok. I told her that it was not ok for her to feel so bad about it and she needed to listen to how she was feeling. I requested she never have him again and told her she could do whatever necessary to avoid him. She's 13 and I think it's very important to let her know that it's ok to listen to those feelings and to do something about them. I made a point to then talk with both dds about intuition/feeling and how it's ok to follow it even if it makes someone else upset.

[caroljenn]

Listen to your gut-it's God talking.

 

 

[kubiac]

FWIW, I took a class on protecting kids from child abusers and the instructor started off by sharing this info:

 

According to the most recent comprehensive study by the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, only 115 children in that year were victims of the “stereotypical†kidnapping–where they were whisked away by a stranger. With an estimated 71 million children in the United States that year, that leaves less than 1/10,000th of a percent chance of your child being taken by a stranger.

• Your child has a higher chance of being in a fatal car accident than being abducted by a stranger.
  
• Your child has a higher chance of being harmed by someone they already know than being abducted by a stranger.
  

 

Most of the class was spent discussing how to identify people in your life who might be trying to ingratiate themselves with you and/or "groom" your kids for abuse. Some things she mentioned to look out for, not necessarily as hard warning signs, but just as a part of a system for vetting people. She mostly focused on male abusers, since they are in the majority, although of course women can abuse too. Some of the things to be cautious about:

 

* Don't have age-appropriate friends of their own

* Make your spidey-sense tingle or who are pointed out as someone to watch out for

* Pay undue attention to you or your child and whose level of enthusiasm and gift-giving seems too good to be true

* Takes on responsibilities or involvements that don't make sense: tennis coaches volunteering to take kid on trips to the zoo and carnival, bachelor neighbor has trampoline and bouncy house in his backyard, etc.

* Anyone your kids tell you they don't like or don't trust--LISTEN to the kids. Don't reflexively trust any/every adult over your little ones, just because adults are big and kiddles are small. Kids have instincts too.

 

She also had some good advice on what to tell kids without frightening them too much, including:

* "You're the boss of your own body"

* No tickle games or bathing-suit games EVER

* If you get lost, ask a mom with kids for help

[JFSinIL]

This thread reminds me of the time, growing up in the mid-60s, how my kid sister and I got in trouble for NOT getting in the car with a stranger. We were walking to school, it started to rain - a station wagon pulled up and a strange woman said "Get in. I know your mom" . I grabbed my sister, shook my head, and kept walking, fast.

 

Later that afternoon my mom was livid - how DARE I embarrass her by refusing a ride from Mrs. Whatshername.

 

Yes, it was a friend of my mom's - but I did not recognize her at all! She was a stranger as far as I was concerned! Still - I got in trouble. Since the woman TOLD me she knew my mom, I was supposed to have gotten in the car.

 

 

A few years before that, Mom got angry when we were separated in a large store and I started to cry (I was very small then) and a store employee had to go on the loud speaker to find my mom. "But I was just around in the next aisle!" Geez, Mom, I did not know that!

 

 

We'd walk to school, two tiny blonde girls, along a busy street and cross it unaided, too. Ah, the 60's!