Tap Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 One of my close friends had an affair last year. Her husband found out. They tried counseling. They are now divorcing. She accepts 100% of the responsiblity for the affair and has never bad mouthed the husband. I know him, only through her but I would consider him a friend and we have a lot in common. He and I did a large project together that took 3 days and I would text a few times a year (asking/answering questions regarding his specialty). He and I have a very casual friendship, but only due to having my friend in common. I saw him today while I was at work. I told him I was sorry for his horrible year and asked him a couple casual questions. About 15 minutes later, he texted me. He send a lonnng text about how he worshiped the ground she walked on, still loves her, etc.... I haven't texted him back yet. I don't want to start into an emotional texting situation with him....but I also don't want him to feel like I am ignoring him. WWYD? The friend wouldn't care either way. My Dh doesn't care either way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~Amanda~ Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 sounds like he needs someone to talk to.... I would try to give him that shoulder to lean on, but don't allow yourself to be too accessible. they tried to make it work; they've made the decision not to stick it out. he has to learn to move on Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 Text back this: "I'm sorry, but I am sure I'm not the person for you to confide in about this. I want the best for friend and for you and I hope you will both seek help to heal from your troubles." That's as warm as I'd dare be. I'd ignore any subsequent emails or even block his address if I found myself feeling really sorry for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 Tibbie is right. Do not get sucked in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 "I'm sorry you are going through this. Hopefully things will get better soon." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 you brought up the debacle to him when you saw him. You did not need to do that, you could have (and should have) had a conversation about the present. He is clearly not over things. (understandably.) I would hope he will seek professional counseling as him confiding in another woman with whom he has a personal relationship (no matter how slight) is not going to be helpful either. I would simply text back an "I'm sorry he's going through this." and not say anything else. the wife is the one who was disconnected enough with her marriage to have an affair - so of course it doesn't bother her either way. if he brings it up again, I'd simply repeat it. if he *keeps* brining things up to you, I'd ask him if he has anyone to help him work through his grief - and suggest a professional counselor if he doesn't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KrissiK Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 Text back this: "I'm sorry, but I am sure I'm not the person for you to confide in about this. I want the best for friend and for you and I hope you will both seek help to heal from your troubles." That's as warm as I'd dare be. I'd ignore any subsequent emails or even block his address if I found myself feeling really sorry for him. This! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 Just say "I'm sorry." If he texts a lot, then you can gently suggest that someone else might be more appropriate for confidences (dh?). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 "I'm sorry you are going through this. Hopefully things will get better soon." This. If he texts a lot, then you can gently suggest that someone else might be more appropriate for confidences (dh?). Then this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 I'd respond nicely to the current text. The post above that suggests, "I'm so sorry you are going through this. Hopefully things will get better soon," is a good one. I'd only worry if he continues to contact you. That's when I'd gently point him in another direction. Telling him, "Don't text me!" right now is an overreaction from a single text. If he continues to write back to you after the above, reply with a one or two word answer. Let it peter out naturally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speedmom4 Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 I would respond kindly but firmly that although you really sympathize with him that you cannot be his confidant. I'm surprised that your dh isn't concerned. I think many affairs have begun this way. Good luck Elise in NC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted March 3, 2013 Author Share Posted March 3, 2013 LOL well I guess I solved the problem...I couldn't decide what to say, so I didn't say anything at all. :0/ He didn't text again, so I am just going to let it go. I feel bad for the guy. But I don't want to 'go there' with him and risk becoming a confidant for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 If I were you, I'd text back what Tibbie said, anyway. He's in pain. He reached out in a way that is a bit boundryess- but that doesn't mean he should be ignored. If YOU did what he did, and no one answered... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 If I were you, I'd text back what Tibbie said, anyway. He's in pain. He reached out in a way that is a bit boundryess- but that doesn't mean he should be ignored. If YOU did what he did, and no one answered... :iagree: I think a short polite response is in order. The fact that he didn't inundate you with messages doesn't mean that was a sign to ignore him completely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 Could you talk to him WITH your husband. Like meet for coffee, etc. and you casually leave him with your dh? Sounds like he needs support but NOT from another man's wife. Yes, be kind and polite but not get into this deeply. Can your husband take the lead on this and support this guy? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zebra Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 If I were you, I'd text back what Tibbie said, anyway. He's in pain. He reached out in a way that is a bit boundryess- but that doesn't mean he should be ignored. If YOU did what he did, and no one answered... If I did what he did in an emotional moment, I would quickly realize, "Oh, right....shouldn't have done that." when you didn't answer me back. Did his text NEED a response? Maybe he just wanted to vent. If I were to text back I would say something very firm like, "Oh, that's too bad. I hope you have a good therapist you can talk to." It's an awkward situation no matter what you do, and I am not sure there's any good way to deal with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbgrace Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 I like the idea of responding from you and your husband with a sorry he's in pain. I don't like the idea of ignoring something like that when a person is in such pain. I agree you don't want to be a confidant but I don't think one text in such an emotional mess of a situation after you initiated a conversation is enough to decide he's going to have chronic boundary issues. I do hope he has counseling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flowing Brook Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 I would probably answer back with something like I am sorry you are going through this. If you are religious you could answer something like I am sorry and am praying for you. If he texted back I would probably show my dh the text and let him call the man and invite him for coffee of something. If the man was a really close friend I might have dh invite him over for dinner so the two of us could encourage him. For myself after the first time texting the man back I would not feel it appropriate for me to continue comforting or helping the man through his problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyR Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 I think he just texted what he really wanted to say in person but couldn't because it hurt so much. I would not have ignored it but would have sent a brief text back mentioning that you and your husband hope things get better for him. One of my pet peeves is people not acknowleging texts or emails. If he continued to text and it became uncomfortable then I would let him know it bothered you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted March 3, 2013 Author Share Posted March 3, 2013 I know this person already has many confidants, so I am not really worried that I am withdrawing from him. He is a social person and works within the school district, goes to church, plays in a band, is on the board of a couple commitees etc. He has long term friends and lots of coworkers. I am not worried about him and his lack of confidants. I didn't really 'initate' the conversation other than a casual, typical greeting.... Me: (surprised to see him at my work in a store) "Hi xxx, how are you?" Him: Doesn't say anything but makes a gesture with his hands like 'you really have to ask?' Me: "I'm sorry you have had such a crappy year. How are things going for you?" Him: say something like 'it sucks' There are a few more just as casual sentences back and forth and that was it. We start talking about why he came in the store I work in, and that was about it. A while later I get the text. I might respond, but I might just let it go for now. If he texts again, I will respond, but for now, I don't know. I know he is a fairly emotional guy and I know that if I open this door, I will have to cut him off as some point. He didn't ask any questions in his text, just telling me he still loves her. There wasn't really anything I 'had' to respond to. Normally, I would respond to someone who is hurting, but in this situation.....I still think I may just let it be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zebra Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 I think you're smart to trust your gut on this one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renthead Mommy Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 Well you were her friend and his acquaintance. If you don't text him back, (and really how do you answer that?) he'll remember that she won you in the divorce not him, and probably feel really embarressed that he said all that to you and would probably rather pretend it didn't happen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 If you think it's best to let it go, that's what you should do. If you think the guy will interpret a response as a signal to dump his emotions on you, you're probably right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 If you and dh have a good relationship with him either : A--have dh text or call him and tell him "if you need someone to talk to just give me a call" B--text him and give him dh's number to call/text for support That way you aren't ignoring him and the situation but transfering him to your dh for man to man stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 One of my close friends had an affair last year. Her husband found out. They tried counseling. They are now divorcing. She accepts 100% of the responsiblity for the affair and has never bad mouthed the husband. I know him, only through her but I would consider him a friend and we have a lot in common. He and I did a large project together that took 3 days and I would text a few times a year (asking/answering questions regarding his specialty). He and I have a very casual friendship, but only due to having my friend in common. I saw him today while I was at work. I told him I was sorry for his horrible year and asked him a couple casual questions. About 15 minutes later, he texted me. He send a lonnng text about how he worshiped the ground she walked on, still loves her, etc.... I haven't texted him back yet. I don't want to start into an emotional texting situation with him....but I also don't want him to feel like I am ignoring him. WWYD? The friend wouldn't care either way. My Dh doesn't care either way. I'd probably respond that I was so sorry, and that I hope his life takes a turn for the better soon, and that there are people out there, like you and your husband, who care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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