s/o Stealing: I have a dilemma. What would you do?

[SKL]

So my 6yo has a stealing problem. I have tried every manner of counseling and consequencing, yet she has been caught swiping something about once a week recently. Sometimes at home, sometimes at school.

 

The latest incident: I was going through her backpack on Friday and discovered a snack bag of Cheetos. Eventually I got her to admit she'd swiped it from another child in "late room" (afterschool care). She was not caught by anyone at school. She was punished, counseled, warned, etc. at home afterwards.

 

The question is: should I have my kid make restitution to the child in late room? I bought some replacement Cheetos so that she could do so. However, my friend thinks that would attract unnecessary trouble by publicizing the fact that she stole, and possibly getting another black mark on her school record. I agree that I don't like the idea of her being viewed as a thief among her friends, because that could tend to ingrain it in her even more, if that makes sense.

 

What would you do about the little boy whose Cheetos were taken?

[Arcadia]

Honestly nothing, unless you intend to skip town. Being gossip about as the child who steal things from other children's backpack is going to be more detrimental to your child than the little boy who felt sad/puzzled/whatever from his Cheetos being missing.

[jhschool]

When I was a first grader I saw a boy eating my only lunch: Twinkies.

I asked him "Why did you eat them?"

He said, "Because they were yummy." He wasn't being mean; that's

how his brain worked. I felt terrible that my lunch was gone, and I felt

that it was unfair. We kept being friends after.

 

My point is, even though the Cheetos kid probably felt bad, your child

is probably not thinking it is bad at all. That's just how your child's brain works right now.

You are a good parent and when your child's brain matures a little the

problem will go away because you are teaching the right thing. So your

child is not doing something "bad" in his/her mind.

 

My prediction is that if you continue telling what is right and what is wrong

this will resolve itself in the near future.

 

Good luck!

[Anne in CA]

My youngest had this problem around the ages of 5/6. Maybe not as bad, but really embarrassing to me, lol. She didn't go to school and I had to give her a real shakedown before I let her leave the Sunday School classroom, but it got better without public embarrassment. Of course, about the age of 7 she began to make up stories about our family. One day my SIL called me crying because dd, then 7, had told her that dh and I were going to have a BIG DIVORCE, and marry other people. My poor SIL had been crying and praying about this for a week before she called. I later remembered that a girl at soccer practice had told dd about her parents BIG DIVORCE, and how it changed her family when her parents remarried. So, be warned, that a creative child will always "borrow". At first it was items from friends or the church, later it was stories of other people, lol.

[ElaineJ]

My 5yo ds has been doing this for about 6 months or so. I'm not sure what to tell you about how to respond, but I would like to encourage you that it is definitely getting better, so I think it is just a phase in his development rather than a harbinger of a future life of crime. ;) When I talk to him about why he does it, he just says "because it was a cool toy" or something along that line, which sounds pretty similar to the little boy in the post above who answered "It was yummy". We just keep talking through why it was wrong, how he wouldn't want someone else to take his cool toys, and how important it is to be a person other people can trust. I usually have him apologize and make restitution when appropriate.

Elaine

[Cindy in FL.]

I think that your child should make restitution. I would have her just give the Cheetos to the child she took them from and tell him that she is sorry that she took them. I would not have her go through the "authorities", so it shouldn't be a big deal.

[plansrme]

My daughter went through this about that age as well. I would not have her make restitution for the reasons others have mentioned--she does not need to be labeled a thief at this age. And that is exactly what will happen--my daughter is 12 now, one of the most mature and kind pre-teens you will ever meet, and her best friend's mom (they were in the same first grade, and one of two incidents at school took place in first grade) still gets antsy when her daughter leaves something at our house. She once left a pair of fake diamond studs at our house.

The mom called in a panic, but I found them exactly where her daughter said they would be and put them somewhere safe. When we ran out of the house to church a couple of days later, I grabbed what I thought were the right earrings and had my daughter take them to her friend. Well, I had grabbed the wrong ones. Mom was NOT pleased and asked if she could come to my house and search my daughter's room! Umm, no. I took the right earrings and drove them straight to her house and placed them in her hands. There was a similar incident with a dress the daughter left at our house--I know that if the mom did not know about the first grade incident, she would not have leaped to the conclusion that my daughter had stolen her daughter's stuff. So all that is to say that no, your kid is unlikely to turn to a life of crime, and I would deal with the impulse control at home, privately.

 

Terri

[plansrme]

Oh, there was another incident involving a new WebKinz that disappeared from the friend's house after a birthday party. They had the older sister, who is friends with my older daughter, check my younger daughter's WebKinz account! Secretly, behind my back! My daughter actually knew who had had the toy last, and it wasn't her. I also scoured her room, unbeknownst to her, and it was not there. Geez, this all gets me angry all over again. Don't tell on your kid!

 

 

[Tammyla]

:iagree: There is a valuable lesson to be learned by making restitution.

 

I think that your child should make restitution. I would have her just give the Cheetos to the child she took them from and tell him that she is sorry that she took them. I would not have her go through the "authorities", so it shouldn't be a big deal.

[AnIslandGirl]

Unfortunately kids talk. If it's a small after-school daycare then by now the children have figured out who took a missing item. Children will ask each other, "Did you take my XYZ? No, then it must have been little Suzy".

 

Your dd's apology doesn't have to be over the top, just a simple private "I'm sorry" will suffice. Sometimes the slight embarrassment of having to admit you were wrong is a strong deterrent to committing the offense again.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Of course she must replace the Cheetos with an apology. If any less noble action is required for survival in this school, then this school teaches the wrong lessons and she should be removed from it at once. If I recall correctly, your dd is in a Christian school? They should be familiar with the concepts of repentance and making amends.

[SKL]

My dd's reason for swiping is usually some version of "I wanted it" or "I like those." I hope you guys are right about her growing out of it - the sooner the better!

 

On one hand, restitution seems right, and yet it isn't really her paying restitution if I bought the Cheetos. However, I want her to understand that the little boy should be made whole. And frankly, I want her to feel a bit embarrassed / ashamed as a deterrent to future foolishness. I doubt she would get in official trouble for making restitution, but I do think kids would go home and tell their parents etc. Would they be softened by the fact that she gave it back? Maybe.

 

Bah.

 

This is my most un-favorite part of parenting so far. :/

[justamouse]

My psychologist told me that they should *always* apologize, and *always* make restitution.

[Ali in OR]

I wouldn't worry about the fact that she didn't pay for or shop for the cheetos. She still has to be the one to give them to the boy and say "I'm sorry", and for my kids, that's a lot harder than paying for cheetos!

[plansrme]

Of course she must replace the Cheetos with an apology. If any less noble action is required for survival in this school, then this school teaches the wrong lessons and she should be removed from it at once. If I recall correctly, your dd is in a Christian school? They should be familiar with the concepts of repentance and making amends.

 

 

My then first grader was also in a Christian school, and the teacher told me, "She may always struggle with honesty in her life." She was SIX years old, and the teacher had condemned her to a life of fraud and deceit over a plastic chicken?

 

OP, my daughter has turned out fine. Your kid will, too, though I was ready to lock her into a dungeon over this incident. You can and should do what you think is right, but her reputation will unjustifiably take a hit and for a long time. A kid who shows impulse control issues by throwing a book or knocking over a chair is just being five. A kid who takes a bag of Cheetos on impulse is probably headed to one of those euphemistically-named "alternative learning centers." That is the way people tend to see it, anyway. I was certainly one of those people about my own daughter, but I was wrong, and so was everyone else. My defense is that this was the first kid I'd had do such a thing; the school personnel should have had the wisdom and experience to see the incident for what it was--an impulsive act, not pulling the limbs off of the class rabbit.

 

Terri

[DianeW88]

All actions have a consequence. Your dd needs to feel the consequences of her action by apologizing and replacing what she has stolen. I always tell my kids, "You can choose your actions, but you cannot choose the consequences that happen as a result." If she feels embarrassment and discomfort from having to apologize, that's a good thing. Maybe she'll think twice the next time she is tempted to take something that doesn't belong to her. Parenting isn't for sissies, sometimes we have to let our kids experience the pain of their own actions. It's a lot easier to rectify something when they're six as opposed to sixteen.

[SKL]

 

My then first grader was also in a Christian school, and the teacher told me, "She may always struggle with honesty in her life." She was SIX years old, and the teacher had condemned her to a life of fraud and deceit over a plastic chicken?

 

OP, my daughter has turned out fine. Your kid will, too, though I was ready to lock her into a dungeon over this incident. You can and should do what you think is right, but her reputation will unjustifiably take a hit and for a long time. A kid who shows impulse control issues by throwing a book or knocking over a chair is just being five. A kid who takes a bag of Cheetos on impulse is probably headed to one of those euphemistically-named "alternative learning centers." That is the way people tend to see it, anyway. I was certainly one of those people about my own daughter, but I was wrong, and so was everyone else. My defense is that this was the first kid I'd had do such a thing; the school personnel should have had the wisdom and experience to see the incident for what it was--an impulsive act, not pulling the limbs off of the class rabbit.

 

Terri

 

To be honest, I have been disappointed in how they've handled the stealing (candy) in the classroom so far. After the first offense (swiping teacher's treats), the teacher put the candy in her desk, but my kid managed to sneak in there and get some. The teacher was extremely upset, got the principal involved, and told me it made her sick to think about having a child like that in her class. We talked at length about my kid's sugar problem, but then the teacher hung candy canes on the class tree, and my kid couldn't resist. This time she had to serve an hour detention. I was warned that the next offense would be in-school suspension. That didn't stop my dd from stealing one more time, a couple months later, and this time the teacher just took the candy back without a word. (I had spoken to the school psych at this point, so maybe they are thinking of letting us work this out without extreme measures?)

 

The late room monitor seems more reasonable, though. She has expressed that this is a fairly common issue and she generally deals with it on her own without making a report. She feels that my dd will grow out of it. She knows I'm wise to it and that I am working on the problem. So hopefully she will be supportive of my daughter giving the restitution and apology without further ado.

[Unicorn.]

I think that your child should make restitution. I would have her just give the Cheetos to the child she took them from and tell him that she is sorry that she took them. I would not have her go through the "authorities", so it shouldn't be a big deal.

:iagree: There is a valuable lesson to be learned by making restitution.

All actions have a consequence. Your dd needs to feel the consequences of her action by apologizing and replacing what she has stolen. I always tell my kids, "You can choose your actions, but you cannot choose the consequences that happen as a result." If she feels embarrassment and discomfort from having to apologize, that's a good thing. Maybe she'll think twice the next time she is tempted to take something that doesn't belong to her. Parenting isn't for sissies, sometimes we have to let our kids experience the pain of their own actions. It's a lot easier to rectify something when they're six as opposed to sixteen.

 

:iagree: with all of the above. I am flabbergasted at the number of people who are saying not to have her make restitution and apologize. That is teaching your child that it's okay, as long as you don't get caught. If the child is humiliated by having to apologize, maybe she will think before she does it again. It's a much more effective punishment than anything you do or say at home.

[Dustybug]

I think that your child should make restitution. I would have her just give the Cheetos to the child she took them from and tell him that she is sorry that she took them. I would not have her go through the "authorities", so it shouldn't be a big deal.

 

 

 

I agree with this. I also think that it makes her feel like it is okay as long as the person she stole from doesn't know. I haven't had this issue so far with my children, but if I did this is how I would handle it.

[SKL]

:iagree: with all of the above. I am flabbergasted at the number of people who are saying not to have her make restitution and apologize. That is teaching your child that it's okay, as long as you don't get caught. If the child is humiliated by having to apologize, maybe she will think before she does it again. It's a much more effective punishment than anything you do or say at home.

 

 

Well, I wish I could believe that the act of making restitution and apologizing would be effective. She has had to do it before (to her teacher and her auntie) and it didn't seem to change her behavior. Maybe having to face a friend / peer in this way will make a difference. I sure hope so. I don't know what I'll do if I catch her in another stealing incident.

 

We talked about how her stealing hurt the friend she is supposed to care about etc., but it's one thing to say it and another to insist on making the friend whole despite the consequences.

 

I do understand what the others are saying, though. Punishment should fit the crime, and sometimes things get blown way out of proportion. Though half of me doesn't actually mind if people watch her more closely for a while. I wish she wasn't so darn good at being sneaky. I just want this nonsense to end.

[SKL]

 

 

I agree with this. I also think that it makes her feel like it is okay as long as the person she stole from doesn't know. I haven't had this issue so far with my children, but if I did this is how I would handle it.

 

 

She doesn't think it's OK, because she got punished (and is still being punished) and we've had plenty of discussion about it.

[Laurie4b]

I would have automatically responded that she should make restitution before reading Terri's experience, which does give me pause, especially considering the teacher's reaction. I would be really disappointed in a Christian school where a teacher is "sick" to have a child do something wrong in her class. I would question whether it was a healthy spiritual environment.

 

If the late teacher is more reasonable, I would suggest that your dd make restitution and apologize. I think it makes sense to do it as privately as possible. You are right, though, it's not restitution if you bought the Cheetos. Biblical restitution is more than the amount stolen, so I might double it for her. "Here's your Cheetos back and here's an extra bag for you. " I would have her work for them. Do chores and pay for them. OR have her not have treats for 2 days so that they are essentially going to the boy.

 

I might consider doing that anyway every time she steals: She steals candy, she gets no dessert for x amount of time. So that stealing means less of what she wants, not more. You can have to calculate in that she may be taking stuff and not getting caught. The times where she is not caught increases the pay off. This could back-fire, I guess. That's why I'd think it through carefully, but it's something I would consider.

[Moxie]

I used to steal. My mom found my stash (a bunch of the teacher's chalk, some make-up a kid brought, little trinkets) and told me to return them and apologize. I took them back and hid them around the classroom and told my mother I apologized. All I learned was how to be sneakier and how to lie. OP, I have no idea what you should do but she will outgrow this.

 

ETA: What did get me to stop was a spanking from my Dad. That isn't my suggestion but it did get my attention!!

[SKL]

Just thinking out loud, after reading Moxie's post. Is a 6yo strong enough to do this? (I would not be present unless I left work a few hours early just for that. Which I am considering doing.)

[Alte Veste Academy]

I was warned that the next offense would be in-school suspension. That didn't stop my dd from stealing one more time, a couple months later, and this time the teacher just took the candy back without a word. (I had spoken to the school psych at this point, so maybe they are thinking of letting us work this out without extreme measures?)

 

I think an ISS would be a bit much, but telling her that would be the consequence if she stole again and then not following through?! Idiotic. They taught her she could get away with it by letting her get away with it!

 

Well, I wish I could believe that the act of making restitution and apologizing would be effective.

 

Effective or not, it is the right thing to do, which in my mind means there is no choice here.

 

We talked about how her stealing hurt the friend she is supposed to care about etc., but it's one thing to say it and another to insist on making the friend whole despite the consequences.

 

I don't understand what you are saying here. Despite the consequences? Those are her consequences. It is hard to parent through these things, for sure, but the decision itself would be easy.

[Alte Veste Academy]

Just thinking out loud, after reading Moxie's post. Is a 6yo strong enough to do this? (I would not be present unless I left work a few hours early just for that. Which I am considering doing.)

 

Yes. Take off. Witness her apology and have a nice talk.

[SKL]

 

I don't understand what you are saying here. Despite the consequences? Those are her consequences. It is hard to parent through these things, for sure, but the decision itself would be easy.

 

What I'm saying is that walking the talk, while painful, should help drive the spoken message home. I hope.

[besroma]

I agree with those recommending that she apologize and make restitution. She needs to learn that restitution is important always, no matter how uncomfortable it makes things for her...not just when it will work in her favor.

[SquirrellyMama]

My ds had a problem with stealing when he was 6 or 7. He would mainly steal money from his sister. The first time he got caught he had to give her the money back and he was grounded. The 2nd time he did it he gave her the money back and he had to pay her 25 cents or a dollar (can't remember the amount). The 3rd time he did it he had to give her back her money AND give her all the money in his wallet. He must have just lost a tooth or something because he had a lot of money ($10 or so). I think he only stole $2. He learned that stealing hurts.

 

He was also not trusted for awhile. He hated the fact that we blamed him every time something went missing. I told him that was the consequence of being a thief. We also gave him a Bible verse to memorize and recite whenever he got the urge to steal something. He told me the Bible verse was very helpful.

 

He hasn't done it since and he has gained back our trust.

 

Kelly

[Laurie4b]

Just thinking out loud, after reading Moxie's post. Is a 6yo strong enough to do this? (I would not be present unless I left work a few hours early just for that. Which I am considering doing.)

 

 

I would not expect her to do it alone, no.