Home'scool Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 I had a very dysfunctional childhood. My mother was an active alcoholic until I was well into my teens, and has had numerous falls off the wagon since. Her newest addiction is prescription drugs. As with any parent who abuses alcohol and drugs there was a lot of abandonment and abuse issues. I am also convinced my mother is a narcassist. She was attending AA after her latest "slip", but that now has turned into a bunch of the people off on their own and creating more of a social group than a support group. I think they are now actually a book club or something? I am sure the stories my mother has told this group about her ungrateful children make for some very interesting topics. To hear her tell it, she was mother of the year, drank only "a little" because her husband was such a monster, and cannot understand why we still have issues with her today. According to her, she was a "phenominal" mother (her exact words said with a LOT of emphasis) and we are lying, conniving, ungrateful children who won't let the past go. Some of her stories are actually completely made up, while others are just a twist on the truth. Every now and then, when I am out with my mother running errands or whatever, we will run into one of these people. When they are introduced to me by my mother they almost always say something pointedly along the lines of "You have a WONDERFUL mother." I am sure that they are just thrilled to meet the children that they have heard so many stories (lies) about. It's like they feel like they have to defend her or something. I would love to have some comeback along the lines of "That's funny, I don't remember you from my childhood." But anything I come up with just sound petty and b**chy. Any good suggestions, or am I just being too petty? I have explained to my mother why this bothers me when it happens, but being the narcassist that she is she revels in these types of situations and just sits there and beams when it happens. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Mousie Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 "Really? I'd love to meet her someday." :w00t: Oh, wait ... you were trying to avoid petty and b**chy. Sorry - I have nothing useful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tita Gidge Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 I don't think I'd call it "petty" but it does seem like a losing battle at any rate, and therefore not worth the energy. Easier said than done, I'm sure. I'd try to stay strong in knowing I know the real her, where they only know the her she has fabricated for herself. And on days when I couldn't, I'd probably pop off something along the lines of: "Yep. Mom's always been a legend in her own mind." "I'm sure I do; I just wish I knew her better than I do the drunk that raised me." "Mom tripped over step ten. Come find me when she's really working it. It, not you." " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 I had a very dysfunctional childhood. My mother was an active alcoholic until I was well into my teens, and has had numerous falls of the wagon since. Her newest addiction is prescription drugs. As with any parent who abuses alcohol and drugs there was a lot of abandonment and abuse issues. I am also convinced my mother is a narcassist. She was attending AA after her latest "slip", but that now has turned into a bunch of the people off on their own and creating more of a social group than a support group. I think they are now actually a book club or something? I am sure the stories my mother has told this group about her ungrateful children make for some very interesting topics. To hear her tell it, she was mother of the year, drank only "a little" because her husband was such a monster, and cannot understand why we still have issues with her today. According to her, she was a "phenominal" mother (her exact words said with a LOT of emphasis) and we are lying, conniving, ungrateful children who won't let the past go. Some of her stories are actually completely made up, while others are just a twist on the truth. Every now and then, when I am out with my mother running errands or whatever, we will run into one of these people. When they are introduced to me by my mother they almost always say something pointedly along the lines of "You have a WONDERFUL mother." I am sure that they are just thrilled to meet the children that they have heard so many stories (lies) about. It's like they feel like they have to defend her or something. I would love to have some comeback along the lines of "That's funny, I don't remember you from my childhood." But anything I come up with just sound petty and b**chy. Any good suggestions, or am I just being too petty? I have explained to my mother why this bothers me when it happens, but being the narcassist that she is she revels in these types of situations and just sits there and beams when it happens. There is no good way to embarrass your mother or the other person without looking like a jerk. We all have some of these people in our families, who take credit for revisionist history. Let it go and try to repair the relationship, if it is at all possible. At least you are communicating. Build on that. It doesn't matter anymore. Look ahead, not behind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 I wouldn't say anything, because if you snark back then you'll get the "she's still petty" tag. It sounds like you have a relationship with your mother now. I would let it go, you can't change how others respond. You don't have to justify her lies to them or prove you had a bad childhood. Just smile and big the bigger person, then go home and scream in a closet or something. I watched my dad deal with his alcoholic mother who never got sober. He was raised by her parents, not her, but when I was a kid she was around. He modeled graciousness around her, realizing he couldn't change her. She's going to say what she wants. I might suggest Al-anon if you haven't attended. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth in MN Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 Well, I'm blunt so I'd point out a basic fact - "Addicts lie". But along the lines of being nice you could say "I'm happy you feel that way". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 I totally disagree, TM. It *does* matter, b/c she's spreading lies about her children TODAY. She's still active in addiction TODAY. These aren't things from decades ago. This is today. Best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, and in that sense, the OP's mother hasn't changed, period. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DusksAngel Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 I don't know of anything to say other than thanks and just keep going. Now if someone wants to go on and on, I'd just remark that we all have our own perspectives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 Is there something she does that is wonderful or phenomenal right now in the present? Then you could say, yes, my mom is wonderful at _____. OR Aww, that's so nice! I'm glad that she's wonderful to you! I always like hearing positive things about my mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Home'scool Posted December 5, 2012 Author Share Posted December 5, 2012 Thanks for the replies. I *try* to be the bigger person, but it just steams me that she sits there beaming because she knows those comments are (a) a compliment to her and (B) a put down to me. If all of the issues with my mother truly were in her past, then I would have no problem with someone telling me she is wonderful. But she is still behaving as an addict and is still destructive. I really don't even expect her to reveal all her dirty secrets to everyone, but it's the fact that she goes out of her way to embellish and create realities in which she is a wonderful person who has fallen victim to rotten kids. I think I may try the "Really? I would love to meet her some day!" Passive-aggressive, but succinct. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renthead Mommy Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 Sometimes there is a place for petty and bitchy. Sometimes you are just entitled to it. You don't owe these people anything, and if your mother is out there spreading lies about you, you don't owe her any protection from you feeling hurt. Sometimes it's about protecting you, and you reach a breaking point. So your bitchy at the moment. Maybe it will open their eyes to who she really is. But if her AA group has turned into a bunch of falling off the wagon book clubers who WANT to spend time with your narcissistic mother, they are probably all pretty much of the same mind. They are probably all saints who raised ungrateful children. You'll never change your their minds, but you may feel better about standing up for yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 I would just say, "Yes, she really is. And she works so hard on overcoming her addiction to pathological lying. We're very proud." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 Well, I guess I have a few responses. One would be don't prove her right by developing a snarky, passive/aggressive comment or comeback. It is not the fault of random strangers (to you) that your Mom has been who she is. And, frankly, you can't assume anything about them in terms of whether they believe her. They may even being saying the "wonderful mother" thing in a bumbling attempt to further healing. The best thing you can do is either let it go or get help FOR YOU in terms of having grown up in a flawed system. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truscifi Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 I wouldn't be out running errands with her in the first place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunnyDays Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 How about just: "Oh, how nice of you to say." It's true, they're being nice. And it doesn't give away your feelings either way. And it makes you look gracious. More so than either bursting out laughing or crying. :) Either they completely buy the line she's feeding them, and anything snarky you say will just give further fodder (the more probable scenario)... or, they see through her and are just being nice anyway. Either way, you won't change their mind. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, I imagine it's tough. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 I would probably go to Alanon, they have more information regarding living with substance abusers. Obviously this is bothering you and that is what they are for. They would probably have better strategies for dealing with the lying than we do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 Thanks for the replies. I *try* to be the bigger person, but it just steams me that she sits there beaming because she knows those comments are (a) a compliment to her and ( B) a put down to me. If all of the issues with my mother truly were in her past, then I would have no problem with someone telling me she is wonderful. But she is still behaving as an addict and is still destructive. I really don't even expect her to reveal all her dirty secrets to everyone, but it's the fact that she goes out of her way to embellish and create realities in which she is a wonderful person who has fallen victim to rotten kids. I think I may try the "Really? I would love to meet her some day!" Passive-aggressive, but succinct. I agree that your childhood and current situation suck in terms of mom. I'll grant that Mom is unwell and it looks dim that she'll ever get better. But trying to third party manage her, and communicate through snarky, is manipulative and insincere. A silent response would be better, if anything. A half smile. A cordial "nice to meet you." Bringing any more energy to it would be on you, and trying to change things you can't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 .. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 I am sure the stories my mother has told this group about her ungrateful children make for some very interesting topics. To hear her tell it, she was mother of the year, drank only "a little" because her husband was such a monster, and cannot understand why we still have issues with her today. According to her, she was a "phenominal" mother (her exact words said with a LOT of emphasis) and we are lying, conniving, ungrateful children who won't let the past go. Some of her stories are actually completely made up, while others are just a twist on the truth. Every now and then, when I am out with my mother running errands or whatever, we will run into one of these people. When they are introduced to me by my mother they almost always say something pointedly along the lines of "You have a WONDERFUL mother." I am sure that they are just thrilled to meet the children that they have heard so many stories (lies) about. It's like they feel like they have to defend her or something. Honest recovering addicts know people with addictions lie so they would probably take your mother's stories with a grain of salt. Their statements may be a kindness to you and not necessarily a reflection of their feelings about your mother. If they do believe your mother, you won't change a random stranger's mind by being snarky or petty. If you can't stand these encounters, don't go out with your mother anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagle Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 Turn it into a complement to the person you are meeting: "I'm glad she has such supportive friends like you who are helping her through her issues. It's so nice to meet you." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 There is not much you can say beyond "nice to meet you." The person may be left wondering "is this the awful daughter she keeps talking about? The one who was so pleasant when I met her and was spending the afternoon shopping with her." Over time your actions even they are small bits speak. I think the fact that you spend time with your mother is big. If you try to inform , you will confirm the image your mother has painted. So, as irritating as it is not to say anything, don't say anything. I've come to realize that the image people present to the public and the person they are to family are very different. My father left his own mother's funeral saying he wished he had known the wonderful woman who had done so many nice things who was talked about at my grandmothers funeral. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 Well, I guess I have a few responses. One would be don't prove her right by developing a snarky, passive/aggressive comment or comeback. It is not the fault of random strangers (to you) that your Mom has been who she is. And, frankly, you can't assume anything about them in terms of whether they believe her. They may even being saying the "wonderful mother" thing in a bumbling attempt to further healing. The best thing you can do is either let it go or get help FOR YOU in terms of having grown up in a flawed system. Exactly. I sure have been agreeing with Joanne a lot lately. What's happening? Maybe the Mayan calandar is right. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 Turn it into a complement to the person you are meeting: "I'm glad she has such supportive friends like you who are helping her through her issues. It's so nice to meet you." Excellent response. :hurray: It does not compliment your mother, and therefore avoids lying. It does compliment the other person, showing you to be the nice person you are. That will start to undermine the lies right there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMamaBird Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 There is not much you can say beyond "nice to meet you." The person may be left wondering "is this the awful daughter she keeps talking about? The one who was so pleasant when I met her and was spending the afternoon shopping with her." Over time your actions even they are small bits speak. I think the fact that you spend time with your mother is big. If you try to inform , you will confirm the image your mother has painted. So, as irritating as it is not to say anything, don't say anything. I've come to realize that the image people present to the public and the person they are to family are very different. My father left his own mother's funeral saying he wished he had known the wonderful woman who had done so many nice things who was talked about at my grandmothers funeral. Very wise words. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 There is no good way to embarrass your mother or the other person without looking like a jerk. We all have some of these people in our families, who take credit for revisionist history. Let it go and try to repair the relationship, if it is at all possible. At least you are communicating. Build on that. It doesn't matter anymore. Look ahead, not behind. I wouldn't say anything, because if you snark back then you'll get the "she's still petty" tag. It sounds like you have a relationship with your mother now. I would let it go, you can't change how others respond. You don't have to justify her lies to them or prove you had a bad childhood. Just smile and big the bigger person, then go home and scream in a closet or something. I agree. It will never be easy, but I would swallow my feelings, smile, and move along. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 I would probably go to Alanon, they have more information regarding living with substance abusers. Obviously this is bothering you and that is what they are for. They would probably have better strategies for dealing with the lying than we do. I agree. If they hang out with her long enough, then they will probably discover something resembling the truth. There's no point in spoiling their surprise. They won't believe anything you say and it will seem to justify whatever your mom has told them. Just say, "nice meeting you" and move on. If you can't just let it go, then I agree you might benefit from Al-Anon's help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 Thanks for the replies. I *try* to be the bigger person, but it just steams me that she sits there beaming because she knows those comments are (a) a compliment to her and ( B) a put down to me. If all of the issues with my mother truly were in her past, then I would have no problem with someone telling me she is wonderful. But she is still behaving as an addict and is still destructive. I really don't even expect her to reveal all her dirty secrets to everyone, but it's the fact that she goes out of her way to embellish and create realities in which she is a wonderful person who has fallen victim to rotten kids. I think I may try the "Really? I would love to meet her some day!" Passive-aggressive, but succinct. BTDT. Any snarky (ish) come back will only "prove" to her and her friends that she was right--you're an ungrateful daughter who doesn't appreciate her wonderful mother. I think you can "win" only with a genuine-sounding "Oh yes, she is." Only this will give a reason to her friends to doubt her truthfulness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth in MN Posted December 6, 2012 Share Posted December 6, 2012 One of the things I have learned about people dealing with addiction and working the 12 Steps program - there is a difference between being "in" the program and "working" the program. I know someone who has been clean and sober for over forty years but to this day blames his parents for his addiction. He takes no responsibility for his actions at all. It sounds like, to me, that the OPs mother is not working the program. Until she does then she is just a dry drunk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted December 6, 2012 Share Posted December 6, 2012 There's nothing you can say to counteract someone's preconceived opinions of you based on her lies. I agree with those who say to prove your mother wrong by being gracious in the moment. If you're lucky, those people will see your mother for who she truly is. Actions speak louder than words, and her "friends" might become recipients of your mother's actions at some point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 6, 2012 Share Posted December 6, 2012 Every now and then, when I am out with my mother running errands or whatever, we will run into one of these people. When they are introduced to me by my mother they almost always say something pointedly along the lines of "You have a WONDERFUL mother." I am sure that they are just thrilled to meet the children that they have heard so many stories (lies) about. It's like they feel like they have to defend her or something. I would love to have some comeback along the lines of "That's funny, I don't remember you from my childhood." But anything I come up with just sound petty and b**chy. Any good suggestions, or am I just being too petty? I have explained to my mother why this bothers me when it happens, but being the narcassist that she is she revels in these types of situations and just sits there and beams when it happens. I'll start by saying your need for a come-back indicates you are still in a lot of pain and in need of healing. your mother is living in denial, and she does. not. care. about reality, only perception that sees her in a good light. do remember, none of these people have heard anything besides what she has told them. narcisists can be *very* charming so people will believe what they are told - unless their experience has taught them otherwise. I would leave it as a simple "so we keep hearing" in a long-suffering voice, half-smile, and a firm albeit weary stare. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 6, 2012 Share Posted December 6, 2012 I've come to realize that the image people present to the public and the person they are to family are very different. My father left his own mother's funeral saying he wished he had known the wonderful woman who had done so many nice things who was talked about at my grandmothers funeral. aboslutely. and those who eat out of their hands won't see things as being "odd" (or at least not say anything) because they've already made up their mind this is a wonderful woman. I know, I'm related to one. I was quite shocked when it was reported to me that two of her daughters told her she was just like her mother. NOT a compliment. (and I fully agree with the sentiment.) her daughter's may learn to keep their distance (and two have), but her friends still flock. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted December 6, 2012 Share Posted December 6, 2012 That seems to be one of those times to smile sweetly and say "aw, thank you. I hear that often." It's the appropriate thing to say when someone compliments you, and the truth. They can each take what they want from the statement (and my mother would certainly take it as affirmation!). If they press, you can say something (again, with all sweetness) about how fortunate she is to have friends who think so highly of her. I've learned that it's easier to let them believe in the fantasy of her awesomeness until that discover the cracks on their own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thebacabunch Posted December 6, 2012 Share Posted December 6, 2012 I think you are still really angry. I have been in the middle of a lot of gaslighting and revisionist history with my own mom. When things like this happen I back off. I set boundaries. If she acts up it is a very very long time between phone calls and visits. Also, ask yourself: why do I care? I assume that your mom's friends and acquaintances are hers and not yours. Give yourself a break and stop caring about this. I would put my head to the side and say "nice to meet you" and move on. That way you aren't acknowledging your mom's crazy and you aren't being a , well, you know. I am super sorry that you have to deal with this. It sucks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted December 6, 2012 Share Posted December 6, 2012 I'm so sorry. I agree with a PP, I wouldn't be out running errands with her in the first place. But outside of that, I'd probably just give them a tight smile and say nothing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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