How can one avoid getting weird in old age?

[Laura Corin]

I'm not here to criticise my mother: she's 88 and I think she can do what she likes so long as it's not actively malicious.

 

I'd like to be different though as I grow older. How do you remain open to the world, reasonably flexible and concerned about others as you get older and more infirm, particularly if you end up living alone.

 

Any ideas?

 

Laura

 

(To avoid flames: I would prefer that my mother lived closer, accepted our help, allowed us to be more part of her life and draw her out of her isolation. She refuses all of this; to press the point would cause a rupture).

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think you touched on the answer when you said that you would love to draw your mother out of her isolation. Moving to a retirement community has been the best thing for my parents. My mom started to paint watercolors at age 85. Now at age 87, she is teaching the class! My dad is turning 91 next week and sings in a choir and teaches the Bible. Being with others has helped them to see just all the things available and doable for the elderly. They aren't the most flexible people but I think are more flexible than they would have been if they had not been exposed to as much as they have been in their older years. My mom is on an outreach committee that has her visiting those who have needs greater than her own. My mom esp. struggled with depression before they moved to the community.

[I.Dup.]

Has your mom always been like this? Or tended to be like this?

[PrairieSong]

I think you need to stay active and in contact with the world. Isolating yourself and only living inside your own head, without interacting and bouncing ideas off other people, and without opportunities to truly care about others, makes it hard to avoid being "weird", to borrow your term. I have a brother in his 50's who probably has Asperger's, and lives a very isolated life. He lives with my father, has no job and no friends, and interacts with Dad only minimally. He just keeps getting weirder as the years go by. He gets more and more hardened in his own ideas.

 

On the other hand, I have known many people much older than my brother who are caring, compassionate, and live active lives. (Not saying my brother is uncaring, but he doesn't have much chance to show it!) When I was little, we had an older next door neighbor who was a widow, had no children or grandchildren of her own, but warmly welcomed us into her home. She had many friends, and stayed busy socializing and traveling. My mother-in-law was like this also. So yes, it's definitely possible.

[misty.warden]

I'm not here to criticise my mother: she's 88 and I think she can do what she likes so long as it's not actively malicious. I'd like to be different though as I grow older. How do you remain open to the world, reasonably flexible and concerned about others as you get older and more infirm, particularly if you end up living alone. Any ideas? Laura (To avoid flames: I would prefer that my mother lived closer, accepted our help, allowed us to be more part of her life and draw her out of her isolation. She refuses all of this; to press the point would cause a rupture).

 

Um, I think by "weird" you mean "different than you want to be." I'm sorry you don't have the relationship with your mother that you'd like at this point, however unless she's a danger to herself from being alone or depressed about being alone, I'd say let her be different. She may just be an introverted person and that's ok. You've extended your hand and said you'll be there if she wants to move closer/get help from you/etc so let her decide. She's an adult living her life, not yours.

[VinNY]

All of my elderly relatives craved routine, their home etc as they aged. I don't know if it is anxiety related or survival instinct kicking in, but that is what made them most comfortable. We all strived to abide their wishes by keeping them in their homes or apartments as long as possible. I have to say as I age and the aches and pains etc creep up, I am not as adventurous as I used to be:)

[regentrude]

stay active, stay in touch with young people, follow what is going on in the world.

 

My grandma lived with us; until she was 93 she did the shopping for the family and followed current events on the radio. She was a lovely old lady, not weird at all. Some new developments were difficult for her, but she asked for explanation (she died a year after Germany's reunification, so lived through all those monumental changes in her 90s)

My other grandma was a pedicurist and worked until she was 85. Working and being in touch with customers kept her grounded. She was very sharp and not weird at all. She lived to be 91.

My great-grandmother was not weird either, but she had a stroke at 94 and spent her last two years bedridden and with limited comprehension of the outside world. I do not think there is anything one can do to safeguard against such fate - my MIL is 74, has MS and Alzheimers and does not recognize us.

[Laura Corin]

Has your mom always been like this? Or tended to be like this?

 

 

Yes - it's not new, just more extreme as she has aged. I remember her having friends when I was a teenager, but she dropped them (or they dropped her - I don't know) and she now only has acquaintances.

 

Laura

[Laura Corin]

Um, I think by "weird" you mean "different than you want to be." I'm sorry you don't have the relationship with your mother that you'd like at this point, however unless she's a danger to herself from being alone or depressed about being alone, I'd say let her be different. She may just be an introverted person and that's ok. You've extended your hand and said you'll be there if she wants to move closer/get help from you/etc so let her decide. She's an adult living her life, not yours.

 

 

Oh, I understand that. I'm an introvert too. I don't expect her to be the life and soul. But no, she's not happy. And yes, she's starting to be a danger to herself (house falling apart but she's so unhappy with other people being in her house that she won't get essential repairs done).

 

But as I said: it's not about her. I'm not trying to change her. I'm thinking about my own future.

 

Laura

[I.Dup.]

I do think those who tend toward being grumpy and anti-social seem to become moreso in old age. I think as long as you are being aware, making an effort to be kind and considerate of others, etc, you should be fine.

 

It's got to be hard, probably being in pain, depressed, etc. Ugh, I don't want to live to be TOO old.

[Farrar]

Yes - it's not new, just more extreme as she has aged. I remember her having friends when I was a teenager, but she dropped them (or they dropped her - I don't know) and she now only has acquaintances.

 

Laura

 

See, I think that's exactly it. I think everyone has quirks or weirdnesses or whatever and that as we age, they tend to become bigger. For some people, it's not a big deal... but if you have anti-social tendencies or the like, I think the struggle usually becomes greater in old age than when you were younger, especially if you haven't really processed through your issues.

 

Dh's grandmother just was diagnosed with dementia. Many of the conversations we had about her at Thanksgiving revolved around when exactly she actually was sick enough to be removed from her home (she has been and is living in a wonderful community, but struggling to adjust). It was hard to know because, as everyone kept saying, all these things were just a part of her personality. She's always been forgetful. She's always been a bit self-absorbed. She's always been into gossip and political conspiracy stuff. But as she got older, all these things, which had been personality traits, became issues and then, eventually, fed into her dementia.

[Farrar]

You know, thinking more... because this interests me a lot too... My grandmother is a great example of how to age without becoming "weird." She grew up poor in the south in the Depression. She lived a hard life - the sort of life you would imagine from someone in her position - picking cotton and peanuts, then working in a textile mill. You'd think she might be bitter or quirky or something. But actually, she's not at all. She is accepting of everyone. She just loves anyone who is family or connected to her in some way, no matter how different. She thinks of herself as needed - that we all need her. My cousin, who she raised and who lives down the road from her, has a toddler and that baby is just a godsend to my grandmother - a great-grandyoungin she can dote on and watch all the time. She lives her life in service to family as much as she can. And even though I know she has some very... outmoded ideas about race and gender, she keeps it to herself, she doesn't judge. She may not be up on technology, but she doesn't find it evil or threatening, she thinks it's really something that things have changed so much in her lifetime.

 

Anyway, I think it's that sense of connection and service that has made the difference for her. She certainly has not lived what you would call a healthy life by eating her own southern cooking and engaging in manual labor for so long. But she still lives independently and I really credit her attitude.

[momtoamiracle]

My father stayed very connected for a long time. He was pretty vague the last year but then he WAS 95! However, he'd always been interested in the world and those around him. He had his writing group and his French group--he didn't speak French at all, but it was important to his wife, so he entertained all these folks. He had his geneaology hobby and his computers.

 

My mil only got to be "more", more like she was all along--the only way was hers and she was SURE that no one was paying enough attention to her. The doctor's office finally scheduled her at the end of the day so if the doc CHOSE to waste two hours with her (every week) that if didn't put the whole office behind. Her fake illnesses were her entire world. She lived for gossiping and had built an entire set of groupies for her "inner healing miniistry". The group dropped away as they realized that she was spreading their private struggles with the entire town.

 

I think how you end up when you're old has to do with what you were when you were younger. If the world HAD to revolve about you, that doesn't change.

 

 

 

I agree with the bolded.

[wendyroo]

I am at a different stage of my life (I only have very young children), but I have been writing my future self letters - in my case, about things my MIL does that I find helpful, annoying, disrespectful, etc. On one hand, it is easy to say that I would never do some of the things she does, however, on the other hand, by the time my boys get married (about 20 years from now) I won't be able to see my current perspective nearly as clearly. I want to commit my current point of view to writing so it can hopefully inform my behavior as a MIL in the future.

 

Maybe you could do something similar. Write about your mother's behavior and how you want to do things differently as you age. Try to be very specific, especially about particular things you want to do or avoid in the future - in one of my letters I noted my annoyance that when my MIL was visiting 3 days after I had my second son, she sat around reading magazines while I did all the housework. I noted that when I was the MIL I would not wait for my DIL to ask for my help - instead I would actively offer to do stuff and encourage her to just rest and recharge and take advantage of my being there to help.

 

I save these letters on the computer in a folder: When the Boys Get Married. It is like my own personal time capsule.

 

Wendy

[mumto2]

I think the main thing is staying connected with people and being willing to make new friends when needed. My mom is 90 and loves to talk on the phone. My brother's and I call each day so she is very involved in grandkids lives and enjoys that. She also talks to the 4 living school friends on a weekly basis. Obviously cheap long distance has been a real blessing in her life. Most of her friends where she lives have died but she does things with their daughters now.LOL

 

My mil was not a friendly woman and the older she got the more isolated she was. It was really sad to be asked by her how her best friend was--former yneighbor. Dh and I had regular contact with the friend (really fun person) but she couldn't be bothered. You have to make an effort. I don't think she saw non family members the last couple years she was alive unless people stopped by our house and she was there.

 

My main point is you have to be willing to work to have a social life and it gets harder as we age. I think it is important to make habits as our children leave us that keep us in touch with the greater community. Things like church membership and club memberships are very important. Having a job or community responsibilities is good too.

[Elizabeth in MN]

Being able to be weirder is one of the perks to aging. I'm looking forward to it, and to all the horrible fashion faux pas I'll get to make.

 

In response to how to be a certain way, I don't know. One of the things I notice as I age is that I see the world differently: it's through the eyes of experience. It's not bad or good, it just is. The other day I saw a picture of Justin Beiber and all I could thinks was "pull up your pants". This coming from a woman who sold fetish gear as fashion statements. It sounds like what you need to do to combat what you see in your mother is to do volunteer work. Do time with a soup kitchen, read the newspaper, and fight having a jaded heart.

 

The biggest issue I see challenging senior citizens today is the issue of pride. It sounds like your mother has the same issue. She's not able to keep the house up herself, which had been a point of pride for her I'l bet. Not being able to keep the house up means it doesn't look as good as she wants it to, when then means she won't hire people to come fix it, which means it gets into a worse state. She gets into a worse state because of not being able to have people over, and the whole cycle continues. Back to to the question - keep yourself from becoming too wrapped up in pride.

[Laura Corin]

 

 

If you aren't that way, you probably won't end up that way. KWIM? If you are, well I don't know that there is a whole lot you can do.

 

 

I do hope there's something I can do about it. Because I think she and I are basically quite alike.

 

I'm not highly social, but currently I'm forced into a fair bit of social contact: I work almost full time, I have a family..... As far as social contact that I choose: I'm a member of a choir and a book group. We also have friends over infrequently.

 

I think that my mother's problems were exacerbated by having a tiny unearned income, so she didn't work even after she divorced and we all left home. I'm hoping that financial need will help me to remain more active. And that I can keep other contacts going voluntarily.

 

Laura

[Laura Corin]

The biggest issue I see challenging senior citizens today is the issue of pride. It sounds like your mother has the same issue. She's not able to keep the house up herself, which had been a point of pride for her I'l bet. Not being able to keep the house up means it doesn't look as good as she wants it to, when then means she won't hire people to come fix it, which means it gets into a worse state. She gets into a worse state because of not being able to have people over, and the whole cycle continues. Back to to the question - keep yourself from becoming too wrapped up in pride.

 

 

No, she was never a proud housekeeper. I grew up in quite tumble-down circumstances - lovely house, but I remember her taking the stair carpet up for some reason and it not going down again for years. Serious dust bunnies and piles of dead woodlice in the corners.

 

She just doesn't want to deal with people.

 

Laura

[medawyn]

 

My mother and her sisters have what they call the "Mom clause" in conversations, as in they comment to one another when one of them is "behaving like mother".

 

I think the most difficult thing about watching my grandmother age has been the way she has cut off contact with people. And yes, it is an exaggeration of personality traits she has always had, but especially since my grandfather died (12 years ago), she has basically trimmed everyone out of her life that isn't family, and family is only welcome on certain terms. That being said, she still has her routine (daily breakfast out, trips to the hairdresser, etc.) and we've recently realized that her own mother basically became a recluse as soon as her children left the house, and finally put herself to bed (for a sprained ankle) and remained there for the last 10 or so years of her life. In comparison, my grandmother has made a concerted effort not to become her own mother as she ages.

 

Looking at my other set of grandparents, I think the thing one can do NOW to stave off the "weirdness" of old age is to cultivate multi-generational friends. There is much wisdom to be had from those older than ourselves, but there is also richness in establishing relationships with those younger. My father's parents taught a Sunday School class for years, and many of those people (15-30 years their junior) became friends. As their own children moved into adulthood, they also maintained relationships with them, and when appropriate, their children's friends. In addition, they both made a commitment to being involved in their community, which kept them both active and gave them a focus outside of themselves, two common problems faced by the elderly.

[caroljenn]

I don't think I'm getting weirder as I age, but I am definitely embracing my dorkiness more! I like to look nice sometimes, but who really cares if I wear old sneakers to the grocery store? And if I don't have any makeup on, I will still go to the gas station or store- gasp! I laugh at myself daily, and with good reason- I'm bigger, dorkier, more forgetful, less able to see (reading glasses) or hear (selective). I can't remember what I had for breakfast some days, and my kids shake their heads at me when i try to sing one of their songs. All in all, i worry about what others think of me much less than I did before, but I care about what God thinks of me much more, so I guess I'm good!

 

I do housecleaning for some older ladies. One of them was more housebound, but she had family in and out on a daily basis, and usually had a grandchild living with her. She loved taking care of people. One lady just had her husband and son die (within the last 9 months) and she is going to Bible studies and a grief group. I have a third lady who is 91 and in poor health. She is legally blind (but can see) and can only hear with her hearing aids in. She listens to books on tape and waits for Days of our Lives to come on every day and for her kids to call different days of the week. Her kids are her lifeline- they call a lot and the two that live close by come over several times a week.

 

I have one other lady I used to work for who was just a miserable old woman. Just miserable. Always complaining, nothing was ever good enough, she gossiped all the time and she didnt like her own family. I think leopards don't change their spots, and older people don't either, unless they are afflicted with dementia or some type of other ailment.

[Impish]

One thing we were taught in college, was that someone is the same person at 40 as they are at 80...just more so.

[redsquirrel]

my mom feels the same way. She worked in geriatric medicine and she always said that she wanted to not close herself off. She is in her mid 60s and I see her really making a choice to challenge herself.

 

#1 she takes very good care of herself. She says that lots of crankiness is due to senility etc. Older people crave routine because they can't remember things etc. She has always kept her weight down, kept her blood pressure low and did lots of exercise.She is so proud that she is almost 70 and is not on a single medication.

 

#2 she takes care of her feet. Don't laugh! She says that older people don't go places or get out because their feet hurt. She had bunion surgery soon after retiring. It was very painful but she said "I refuse to shuffle into old age!"

 

#3 She makes an effort to stay current. She does new stuff. My mom is an iphone ninja! She had one almost right away. She has skype and knows how to use it. She skypes with the grandkids and texts them all the time.

 

#4 She challenges herself. My quiet little mom is taking a Zumba class! I cannot belive she is doing that. It is so unusual for her. She has never danced in my lifetime, and now she is doing Zumba. I can't get over that.

 

So, that is the sort of stuff my mom does to not get 'weird' as she ages. She takes care of her body, she tries new technology, she challenges herself to do new things. She isn't great about making friends. My mom has never really had good friends and that is pretty much the same now. But, I am not going to complain. She is making an effort.

[2squared]

I've been thinking about this lately as well. My MIL is in her early 70s, and as my dh says, she's turning into an annoying old lady.

[justamouse]

How can one avoid getting weird in old age?

 

My first answer upon reading the title was, "You say weird like it's a bad thing...."

 

After reading your post? Yeah, we're dealing with that, too.

 

Our culture is hard. It's changed very much and older folk who didn't grow up with it struggle. I'm not saying they're wrong, I am pretty socially conservative myself.

 

What I see as the biggest problem is that the older people I know who I see this in don't *DO ANTYHING*.

 

I mean, like they sit and their house and food shop and that's the extent of their lives.

 

I very much doubt I'll ever be like that because I have entirely too many hobbies which I love, and I'm looking forward to the kids getting older (though I'm in no rush) because I have serious volunteering plans.

 

That's the biggest difference I've come to see.

 

I aslo agree with High Ho's lack of education idea. The people I know who struggle the most do have a very limited education, and then when they got older, they never self taught or remedied their lack.

[LaxMom]

I think you need to stay active and in contact with the world. Isolating yourself and only living inside your own head, without interacting and bouncing ideas off other people, and without opportunities to truly care about others, makes it hard to avoid being "weird", to borrow your term. I have a brother in his 50's who probably has Asperger's, and lives a very isolated life. He lives with my father, has no job and no friends, and interacts with Dad only minimally. He just keeps getting weirder as the years go by. He gets more and more hardened in his own ideas.

 

On the other hand, I have known many people much older than my brother who are caring, compassionate, and live active lives. (Not saying my brother is uncaring, but he doesn't have much chance to show it!) When I was little, we had an older next door neighbor who was a widow, had no children or grandchildren of her own, but warmly welcomed us into her home. She had many friends, and stayed busy socializing and traveling. My mother-in-law was like this also. So yes, it's definitely possible.

I think this is the key. One only stays as flexible (physically and socially) as one practices being. And when you're isolated, stuck in your own head, and only in touch with your own ideas, you grow more so over time, no matter how old you are.

[Mom22ns]

Both my grandmother and my mom were great examples of not getting weird in old age. They were both introverts as am I, so they are examples I can understand.

 

My grandmother took care of many of my cousins at different times. She completely raised two of them. Staying involved with another generation kept her contemporary. While I'm not advocating raising your grandchildren, staying involved in their lives can have the same effect.

 

My mom had many hobbies and she turned those into opportunities to stay involved. For example, she loved gardening, belonged to a garden club and helped as a volunteer gardener for a couple of non-profits.

 

I think as others have said, staying involved. As an introvert, I would find it easy to never leave my house once my kids are grown. I will have to work at getting out and staying involved. I do see getting a little "weird" as a privilege of age. I think our natural traits shine through stronger as we care less about other's opinions and are more confident in our own. I don't see that as bad, but I don't think that is exactly what the OP was talking about.

[OH_Homeschooler]

I do hope there's something I can do about it. Because I think she and I are basically quite alike.

 

I'm not highly social, but currently I'm forced into a fair bit of social contact: I work almost full time, I have a family..... As far as social contact that I choose: I'm a member of a choir and a book group. We also have friends over infrequently.

 

I think that my mother's problems were exacerbated by having a tiny unearned income, so she didn't work even after she divorced and we all left home. I'm hoping that financial need will help me to remain more active. And that I can keep other contacts going voluntarily.

 

Laura

 

I feel like I could have written a lot of this post (well, the thread too). My mom is just not with it, and it's scary because she's relatively young (65). I have inherited many of her health quirks (more than my brothers and sisters) so this has been weighing on my mind lately. I've insisted she get screened for Alzheimer's...that's how out of it she is (they did not find anything, but she did have a mini-stroke earlier in the year). She smoked for much of her life but quit about 5 years ago (I never smoked), her weight has fluctuated over the years, tending toward overweight/mild obesity (like me). She's been diagnosed bipolar (I don't remember any major manic episodes, just a few minor situations...she definitely tends toward depression now). I know her depression was so bad at points in her life that she had ECT and I wonder if that affected her cognitive abilities at this point.

 

My mom is married to my stepdad and I am so glad he is there with her. He is much more social by nature so I think without him drawing her out occasionally she would be much worse off.

 

I think working or at least having a structured routine as you age is a big thing. My mom retired early due to being laid off coupled with health problems. I just think having to be out and interact with people must keep you sharp. Not major interactions, just enough to give you a reason to get out of the house and see people, even if that means just sitting in a coffee shop and people watching.

[KrissiK]

I think it depends on a lot of factors - physical and mental health being the main ones. If you are in pain or starting to lose it mentally, there's nothing you can do about that and that has a lot of affect on how you act and see the world.