Hoggirl Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 My ds is a junior in high school, and I am finding it harder and harder to find "safe" topics for conversation/discussion. Ds is feeling pressured lately because of lots of standardized testing, music competitions, model UN, Scouting, and other irons he has in the fire. He does have a lot going on, but apparently, my asking him much about anything related to these topics puts additional pressure on him. :tongue_smilie: I can tell he is tired about talking about college choices, possible majors, and the like. I sort of feel like he has his own world at school (NOT that he is secretive or hiding things from me). I just get lots of monsyllabic answers. We do well watching tv together and chatting about that, but otherwise, he feels like I am interrogating him when (to me) I am just trying to make chit-chatty conversation - asking about his day, what he did in school, or whatever. What sorts of things do you talk about with your teen sons where they don't get defensive?? :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 fashion, music, internet memes, books, movies, other teens we know in common, other teens they know but I don't, food, family, family friends, what is going on in my life, activities we share, upcoming social events and family activities, an interesting thing I heard on NPR, a particular favor or bit of help I need from them No offense on your choice of school, but what you describe is one reason I am glad we've homeschooled the teens. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 When ds was in private school for prek and K I would get one word answers on his day. I'm pretty sure that would still be the case if he were in public school. We talk about everything, honestly. He's a talker, but rarely likes to recount what he's done elsewhere. He helps with dinner every night, we talk about cooking. We talk about his future, which is still more a focused goal than a pressured reality. We talk about politics and goofy movies and songs, goofy stuff on facebook. He's actually easier to talk with than my dh because of the amount of time we spend together. I notice though it's sometimes hard to take off the teacher hat and put on the mom hat without sounding like it's all school related. Ds and I have some hobbies and activities we both like to do, we talk about those too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 Maybe he's just more of an introvert and after all those activities, he just needs some quiet downtime. I can see my ds2 being like that as a teen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 Ds is the instigator of conversational topics. So he talks (and I listen) about Minecraft projects, what his online friends are saying and arguing about, his political views, and how he's solved age old problems about war etc.;) My contribution is mostly in the vein of making encouraging noises. I do sometimes give a little comment giving some middle aged perspective on philosophical issues but I try to keep it to a little comment and not a lecture. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kokotg Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 I already feel like this with my 9 year old. It worries me. His personality is very similar to my husband's, and DH tells me that he pretty much can't remember having conversations with his parents for whole years when he was a kid. When he talks to his friends, he mostly talks about Minecraft...and, yeah, there's not a lot for me to work with there. I try to remember that a lot of it is his personality; he's just not as chatty as my other kids, and it doesn't mean there's necessarily a problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
butterflymommy Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 My teen son doesn't really talk to me. He occasionally tells me I'm not taking adequate care of the baby (by letting her touch the dvd player, for instance). We occasionally have very brief exchanges about meal plans (he cooks too). When we watch the Walking Dead he tells me I shouldn't watch it because it's too graphic. That's about all we talk about in any given week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 My oldest was always talking about politics and world events in high school. He went to public school. 9th grade he talked a lot about heavy metal music. By mid 10th it was politics and world events. We didn't talk about school, applying to college, "the future". Well we did, but that always led to strife, arguments, further deterioration. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 books, movies, computer games, history, politics, what happened at his TDK class or at playgroup or at my work... just normal conversations like I would have them with other people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 Honestly, I don't think school vs homeschool has much to do with it. I do struggle with wanting to talk to my silent son more, but I remember how much my mom prodded conversation, and how much I loved being with my dad, who was happy just driving and not talking. I think about how much I liked that, and it is some comfort to think my son might someday say he appreciated that I could handle silence. I also remember that when DH and I were both practicing law, he would come home and tell me all about his day, to sort of unload the stress. Then he would ask about my day, and I wouldn't want to talk about it. Because for me, talking about it made me just go back through the stress. So maybe my son is that way. So I guess I would say that you don't have to talk a lot. Not talking is under-rated. My oldest son fit the stereotype of always wanting to talk late at night. Also, he talked more when we talked about things other than school. Movies. Food. Politics. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 It is entirely different when kids go to school all day long. They are much more tired, have lots of homework, and then the stress of all the other irins in the fires. My oldest son, who is a talker, had many, many days where he didn't have a lot to say. And that was ok. Unless I had something to share or inform him about, from what I remember, most of our discussions were directed by him. I know this is a hard time for you, but your son is trying to grow more and more independent. He may not be sharing as much, and he may find your questioning him is.......... I don't know, maybe a little intrusive? I know it is hard, I have BTDT!!!:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoggirl Posted October 24, 2012 Author Share Posted October 24, 2012 We didn't talk about school, applying to college, "the future". Well we did, but that always led to strife, arguments, further deterioration. This. This is what is causing issues for us. To me, it should be something that would be really fun to talk about, but it clearly isn't to ds. I know everyone is going to say that he is only a junior, he has plenty of time to decide, etc. However, ds is considering a music performance major which will necessitate auditions (some with prescreens due by November 1st of next year). There is quite a bit of overlap in audition requirements, but he will have to be pretty solid in his decisions by the first of the summer so he can start working on mastering his audition repertoire. So, if he does decide to go this route, there isn't as much time as it appears. He has three days off school in February. We had talked about going to look at some schools during that break, but he really doesn't want to do that now. I just don't think he realizes that there aren't that many opportunities for him to see colleges when they are in session. We have visited a few. I probably am coming across as lecturing about this, but I fear he is going to regret not going to look at more places. Ds is NOT unpleasant or disrespectful at all. And, sometimes he is more communicative than others. I think he is just a bit moody these days because of all he has going on, and I feel like he is sort of shutting me out. I am probably being overly sensitive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoggirl Posted October 24, 2012 Author Share Posted October 24, 2012 Honestly, I don't think school vs homeschool has much to do with it. I do struggle with wanting to talk to my silent son more, but I remember how much my mom prodded conversation, and how much I loved being with my dad, who was happy just driving and not talking. I think about how much I liked that, and it is some comfort to think my son might someday say he appreciated that I could handle silence. I also remember that when DH and I were both practicing law, he would come home and tell me all about his day, to sort of unload the stress. Then he would ask about my day, and I wouldn't want to talk about it. Because for me, talking about it made me just go back through the stress. So maybe my son is that way. So I guess I would say that you don't have to talk a lot. Not talking is under-rated. My oldest son fit the stereotype of always wanting to talk late at night. Also, he talked more when we talked about things other than school. Movies. Food. Politics. Thank you. This is very helpful to me. And thank you for saying you don't necessarily think it is a homeschooling v. public school thing. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoggirl Posted October 24, 2012 Author Share Posted October 24, 2012 It is entirely different when kids go to school all day long. They are much more tired, have lots of homework, and then the stress of all the other irins in the fires. My oldest son, who is a talker, had many, many days where he didn't have a lot to say. And that was ok. Unless I had something to share or inform him about, from what I remember, most of our discussions were directed by him. I know this is a hard time for you, but your son is trying to grow more and more independent. He may not be sharing as much, and he may find your questioning him is.......... I don't know, maybe a little intrusive? I know it is hard, I have BTDT!!!:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Thank you! I just need to talk less overall, I am sure. I know he sometimes (not ALL the time) feels like I am interrogating/pushing. I probably need to schedule more girlie lunches with my friends if I need chatting time. Dh has been traveling quite a bit lately, so perhaps that is part of my issue as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 My teen son doesn't really talk to me. He occasionally tells me I'm not taking adequate care of the baby (by letting her touch the dvd player, for instance). We occasionally have very brief exchanges about meal plans (he cooks too). When we watch the Walking Dead he tells me I shouldn't watch it because it's too graphic. That's about all we talk about in any given week. This made me LOL! :lol: Your son sounds like quite the adult (in his eyes)! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 What sorts of things do you talk about with your teen sons where they don't get defensive?? :confused: I'm guessing that he doesn't mean to be defense, and doesn't realize that he's coming off that way. I'm guessing that he is TIRED, both in the literal sense and specifically tired of talking about it after he's done it all. I would try two things: 1.Ask him some open ended questions, like, "what's going on with your projects? Anything cool to tell me? Need any help with something?" 2.Cultivate some ELSE to talk with him about. Doesn't matter all that much what, but not his projects. He's tired of them. Maybe talk to him about one of your projects? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caroline Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 My oldest is a senior at public school. We talk about politics, math, The Colbert Report and The Daily Show, what he is reading for English (I order two of every book and I try to keep up with his reading, although sometimes it is skimming because I also try to keep up with the AP English classes at the school where I teach,) articles out of Mechanical Engineering, the crazy thing his friend Chris did, soccer, soccer, and more soccer, the Falcons, Syria, world peace, the economy... My son is busy and taking 5 AP classes and multivariable calculus and model UN, so he has a full school schedule, too on top of being a varsity athlete and holding down a job. Sometimes we race doing his homework and then compare answers. Sometimes I have him call my dad and chat with him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 Wow. I'm so grateful I guess. We talk about everything. What the lessons were over in classes, grades, projects, jokes classmates/teachers said, rude things other students are doing, life choices and how our family or our standards differ from what is taught or expected or whatever. We watch Downton Abby, Sherlock, and Dr Who together. Heroclix characters.:tongue_smilie: Machining technology, piloting stuff, emergency preparedness stuff, medical stuff, geology (I hate rocks. I never ever want to classify a rock again. Ever. But he loves the things, so here I am devoting limited brain matter to it.:tongue_smilie: Politics. Yes I did make my kids watch the debates with me. Food. What recipes look good to try. Either for me to make, them to make, or together. Food is really, really important to teen boys.:D They like to karaoke with their dad. I like to watch. Music. Relationships. I'm so sad for you!! :grouphug: Have you tried just pulling him aside and saying the truth? "hey I know you are stressed and tired of talking because you talked to everyone else already. But I'm your loving mama and I want to know what's going on with you. That doesn't make me intrusive. It makes me a mom who cares and it hurts that you won't meet me 1/2 way here." I don't buy any of that clap trap that growing up = sharing our lives with those who love us most suddenly becomes intrusive and over bearing. There's a world of difference between growing up and growing away. Do you talk about yourself to him? Set an example so to speak? There is give and take here. I pick them up from a college class or whatever and ask how class went, then they ask how things went at home or whatever. Does that happen at all? Because I think it should go both ways. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 This. This is what is causing issues for us. To me, it should be something that would be really fun to talk about, but it clearly isn't to ds. I know everyone is going to say that he is only a junior, he has plenty of time to decide, etc. However, ds is considering a music performance major which will necessitate auditions (some with prescreens due by November 1st of next year). There is quite a bit of overlap in audition requirements, but he will have to be pretty solid in his decisions by the first of the summer so he can start working on mastering his audition repertoire. So, if he does decide to go this route, there isn't as much time as it appears. He has three days off school in February. We had talked about going to look at some schools during that break, but he really doesn't want to do that now. I just don't think he realizes that there aren't that many opportunities for him to see colleges when they are in session. We have visited a few. I probably am coming across as lecturing about this, but I fear he is going to regret not going to look at more places. Ds is NOT unpleasant or disrespectful at all. And, sometimes he is more communicative than others. I think he is just a bit moody these days because of all he has going on, and I feel like he is sort of shutting me out. I am probably being overly sensitive. How you handle this depends on the child. My ds was just not ready to even look at a school until August before senior year. He really had a hard time with the application process, but when we tried to encourage/bribe/help/anything nothing good happened. We just had to let it go. He only finished the application to one school. That is where he went. Honestly, the school is the best fit for his needs right now anyway. Sometimes you have to backoff. It will drive you crazy. Perhaps, you can find an unobtrusive way to make him aware of audition and application deadlines. For the SAT and other college board exams, I just signed my ds up and told him what day he was going. I found that no matter how fast time is marching toward "the future", ds wasn't ready and I couldn't push him to be ready. My dd is a freshman. She is completely differently. She is discussing careers that are interesting with me, looking at the academic paths required, asking about various universities. So, you may encounter some other families IRL who have dc actively thinking and discussing "the future." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wendi Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 Topics around here include: Team Fortress 2 Music The latest example of why he hates people Things that annoy him Plans for his birthday The election, other political issues Funny things his friends say or do Tv shows My theatrical exploits Our horseback riding lessons, favorite horses, etc. Our pet rabbits and cute things they do Wendi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 I think the monosyllabic answers are part of the age. when 1ds was that age, I didn't even get that much out of him. He made a game of how little he could tell me. (he wouldn't even laugh at things that were funny.). If I got the slightest twitch at the corner of his mouth, I considered it a success. (especially if it was apparent he was trying really hard to not smile let alone laugh.) what changed is one day he mentioned (ostensibly) in 'passing' something a class was going to do as the culmination of a months long project. he mentioned it as if it wasn't a big deal at all. I listened, and heard what was unspoken. It meant A LOT to him, and something he *really* wanted to participate it. (never mind it was $2000+ - yes, three zeros and money was beyond ubertight.). because I heard him and acted upon it, our entire relationship changed. Not over night, but the steps went in the direction where it is now. He knows he can talk to me about anything and I will listen, and be open to what he says. we now have a great relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 I talk about just about everything with my teen boys...school, girls, friends, sports, politics, future plans, whatever. My boys are pretty open about most things though they may keep secrets I don't know about. My oldest has recently been interested in philosophy and we've had some interesting talks lately. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom22ns Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 Ds and I talk about a broad range of subjects. Gaming, literature (or just plain books :)), church, friends, school, future plans. We even had a very entertaining (for me) conversation about girls last night. I don't think there are any topics that are off limits. However, if I try to talk to him about a school subject he is stressed about, he will get snappy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 Ds is a sophmore in ps. We talk about all kinds of things. Classes, scouts, friends, football, ROTC, tv., books, funnies off the internet/facebook, etc, etc. However, we don't "talk" a lot everyday. Driving in the car alone is usually a place he will open up more, so I like to pick him up from football practice in the evenings so I can ask about his day. One big thing w/ teen boys- don't offer advice unless you know he wants it. Mostly they want to hear "That's tough, hon, I'm sorry that happened." or "Hey, that's great!" or "Well, that sucks." Those kinds of things. :D You just have to bite your tongue so you don't come across as bossy or critical, or wanting to "fix" everything. Save the "You really need to do xyz for abc..." for a set time, like the weekend. Daily- just be there to listen if they want you to. hth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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