homeschoolmomof6 Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 O.K., so I have this friend who has a 9 month old son. He's an only child and she doesn't work. She's decided that he's not developing social skills fast enough and has decided to put him in daycare Monday - Friday 7:30-4:30 so he can get "social skill." I"m so frustrated with her for doing this. DH thinks I'm oversensitive to the daycare issues because our children have never been in daycare. He said it's common for parents to have there kids in daycare so they can have "free time." I have 6 kids so I totally understand the need for "free time", but he's 9 months old. Either way it's not really my business what she does with her son, so why can't I get over it? Blessings, Amanda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammy Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Oh wow....that is terrible. I can't imagine a 9month old needing 'social skills'.....nor can I imagine getting them in daycare...YIKES! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Because 9month olds need their mothers and classrooms with 10 infants and 2 adults aren't great social arenas? But it isn't your business and you have to get over it. Maybe after her child comes home with bite marks a few times, she'll rethink it a bit? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stephanie Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 O.K., so I have this friend who has a 9 month old son. He's an only child and she doesn't work. She's decided that he's not developing social skills fast enough and has decided to put him in daycare Monday - Friday 7:30-4:30 so he can get "social skill." I"m so frustrated with her for doing this. DH thinks I'm oversensitive to the daycare issues because our children have never been in daycare. He said it's common for parents to have there kids in daycare so they can have "free time." I have 6 kids so I totally understand the need for "free time", but he's 9 months old. Either way it's not really my business what she does with her son, so why can't I get over it? Blessings, Amanda I know what you mean b/c mine have never been in daycare either. However, I know that staying at home all day with your kids whether it's one or 10 is not something that everyone can do. Actually, not many can do it ,and do it fruitfully. Maybe your friend will be a better mom b/c of having some time to herself, but feels like she can't say that to you b/c you can do it with 6 kids well. So then she says it's about socialization, kwim? These are just some thoughts! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plucky Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 No, it's not your business. I don't think I could be friends with a woman like this though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen500 Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Wow, I don't know what to say. It sounds like maybe something else is going on. Full-time daycare for a 9 month old? That's not about socialization...well, maybe for the mom. Or maybe your friend is depressed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClassicMom Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Maybe after her child comes home with bite marks a few times, she'll rethink it a bit? :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ticklbee Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 It's so hard to keep quiet when people do things like this because the choice your friend is making is so very different then what you have chosen to do. And you can rightly see that a 9 month old does not need to be in daycare for social skill development. The social development reason may just be an excuse for the mom to put her child in daycare because her real reason may sound much too selfish. If she is a good friend, I would speak to her about the detriment of putting a child that young in daycare. If she is more of a casual friend, I would let it go. ETA: I didn't consider depression but Jen may be right about that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emmy Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 When my oldest was a baby we had good friend with a baby the exact same age. My friend stayed home with her baby for 6 months and then went back to work full time. I remember talking to her about it and she was experiencing the pangs of making the change and she said "I know it will be better for _______ because she'll be around other kids, but I'll miss spending all day with her" and I was all What the heck? How is better for your 6 month old to go to daycare? But I said nothing because it wasn't my business and this was their choice. So people have strange ideas, who knows. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momofkhm Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Because it's not a necessary thing. Nine month olds get social skills from their mothers, not from a classroom. IF (and that's a big if) they need to be with other kids, then a part time day care would be fine. Shoot, a mother's morning out would be fine - one day a week for the morning. But it's like someone else said, maybe the mom needs time away (lots of time away) from the baby. There are working parents who drop the kid off in work clothes but come pick them back up obviously having worked out and showered. No it's not right. Other people are raising this child. And people wonder what is happening to society. :rant: Sorry. Off my soap box now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diana in OR Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 :iagree: ITA with you. I have known several moms who have put a very young in daycare b/c they were concerned about socialization. It's not necessarily about the mom needing/wanting a break. I think it's influence of our culture. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen500 Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 When my oldest was a baby we had good friend with a baby the exact same age. My friend stayed home with her baby for 6 months and then went back to work full time. I remember talking to her about it and she was experiencing the pangs of making the change and she said "I know it will be better for _______ because she'll be around other kids, but I'll miss spending all day with her" and I was all What the heck? How is better for your 6 month old to go to daycare? But I said nothing because it wasn't my business and this was their choice. So people have strange ideas, who knows. I wouldn't judge someone if they need to go back to work and put their kid in daycare. I feel LUCKY that I don't have to work FT out of the house. But I respect someone for taking financial responsibility. (Of course I don't know this person's situation) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
obiandelismom Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 I used to teach in a daycare center (toddler classroom), and there were several moms who didn't work, but dropped their kids off for the whole day. I didn't have kids myself at the time, and I was outraged - why even HAVE kids if you're just going to hand them off to someone else? :glare: That's how I USED to feel. Now that I have kids, and I see how difficult it is to raise kids in our society (the isolation, the loneliness, the self-doubt), I completely understand how a certain kind of person would feel that she's not "doing it right", and that raising her child should be done by a "professional". Looked at this way, it's a loving sacrifice, however wrongheaded. Maybe your friend just needs some propping up for a little while, so she knows she's not alone in raising her baby? Or maybe she's just a selfish twit that wants to get manicures on a more regular basis. Who knows! :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 I've known a couple of moms who did this. They did not work out of the home but put their kids in daycare for social time. Although I think a big part of the reason was for mom's social time. I was still nursing on demand at 9 mos. Good grief! Janet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
homeschoolmomof6 Posted July 17, 2008 Author Share Posted July 17, 2008 Thanks for the imput ladies. I really think I need to talk to her about this just in case there is some kind of self doubt or depression going on with her. Blessings, Amanda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nmoira Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 She's decided that he's not developing social skills fast enough and has decided to put him in daycare Monday - Friday 7:30-4:30 so he can get "social skill.":blink: There are valid reasons to use daycare, but... How is she coping with motherhood? Is she depressed? Is she isolated? I'm wondering if this might be more about her and less about the baby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emmy Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 I wouldn't judge someone if they need to go back to work and put their kid in daycare. I feel LUCKY that I don't have to work FT out of the house. But I respect someone for taking financial responsibility. (Of course I don't know this person's situation) Just to clarify - I wasn't judging her for going back to work, I just found her statement about it being *better* for her child to be in daycare vs home to be odd. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PineFarmMom Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 I think you're annoyed because there is this lie in our society that children below 5 need socialization more than they need their moms, and your df has bought into this lie. Not only has she bought the lie but she has sunk herself deeply into it to the tune of 7:30-4:30 M-F, 45 hours per week she's missing of her son's life that she nor he will ever get back! That's my opinion for why you "can't get over it." Teresa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlashine Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bee Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 My oldest dd was about 2 &1/2 and an only child.Our family doctor was pushing us to send her to day care for "socialization".We hesitated.One day I took her to a party where she shoved an entire large cupcake into her mouth in one bite.I was so mortified(new mom that I was)that my child would behave like that when everyone else's children were perfect.Off she went to day care,one day a week for half the day.It was all we could afford.Every day we dropped her off she cried and every time we picked her up she cried.They assured us she was happy once we left but we felt a sort of guilty relief.It was nice to have a few hours of childless solitude but we felt horrible when she cried and kept watching the clock until it was time to go get her. 6 months later the cost went up and the day care providers were trying to persuade us she'd be happier if she came more often.We all noticed that she was happier being around the adults and the babies than her own age mates.We were tired of seeing a new sign up every week telling about a new contagious disease going round and of her missing days (that we had to pay for) when she was sick.When we complained we were told that some children were there 5 days a week from 6:30 am to 6 pm and there was a waiting list of children if we quit.So we did and I took her to library story hour for socialization instead.And when we started thinking about sending her to school we decided that maybe we didn't want our child(ren) socialized like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ravengal Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Motherhood in this day and age can be very lonely and isolating. Without supportive friends and family, a mom can easily succumb to current parental trends. Have you offered her any assistance or suggestions yet? A playgroup or lapsit story time at the library might make her feel more connected with other moms of young children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
homeschoolmomof6 Posted July 17, 2008 Author Share Posted July 17, 2008 Thanks ladies! I really appreciate the comments and supportive suggestions. I really need to pray and search my heart for a way to talk to her without sounding self righteous. I want her to be able to talk to me without feeling the need to defend herself or her actions. Blessings, Amanda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 I've known many "stay at home moms" over the years with full-time daycare or nannies. It's not a choice I would make but it's something I've learned to let go. I can't control what other people choose to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
summer Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 I agree with you. She is not doing this for social skills..she is doing this because she does not feel like taking care of him. Plus..there are many parttime programs that she skipped over. Her child will not even spend that much time in school in high school. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iquilt Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 When I found myself wondering if I was doing the right thing by staying home with my 7 month old I joined a MOMS Club chapter and instantly hooked into playgroups and other activities that we could do together. I didn't really need it after #2 was born, but I was a bit lonely and bored home with just a toddler all day and a dh who often left early and came home after bedtime (still does, but now I have 3 to keep me company all day!). Maybe a gentle suggestion that a playgroup may be more appropriate? Personally it sounds to me like she's nuts :) but maybe she's just bored? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cin Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 But it isn't your business and you have to get over it. Maybe after her child comes home with bite marks a few times, she'll rethink it a bit? Or a few ear infections, colds, lice, strep and chicken pox Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
summer Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 BTW..your post is not about needing to control this other woman. This post about how bothered you are by her actions and I think rightfully so. I think you are fine to even express your opinion to her and frankly, I could not stay friends with someone like that. Maybe someone has convinced her that her child really needs to be away from her. In which case, maybe you can dig up articles and such that say to the contrary. So, I can see you are not trying to control her (some of the other posters made remarks about how you cannot control her, as if you did not know that-I know you already knew that) and you definitely have the right to an opinion and I completely agree with you. And if she insists on telling you about it and discussing it with you, then she made it your business. I do not discuss homeschooling with anyone that I do not want opinions from. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 So, I can see you are not trying to control her (some of the other posters made remarks about how you cannot control her, as if you did not know that-I know you already knew that) and you definitely have the right to an opinion and I completely agree with you. If you're referring to my post (because I did use the word control) I *definitely* made an "I statement" there. In no way was it directed at the OPer. The issues *I* have with people are often control issues and I know this about myself and that I just have to let these things go. Just to clarify. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 I completely understand how a certain kind of person would feel that she's not "doing it right", and that raising her child should be done by a "professional". The problem is (and I know there are some good childcare centers out there), most people working in daycare centers are not "professionals" by any means. They're underpaid and overworked, and while most have good intentions, those can go quickly out the window when faced with 10-15 kids that aren't their own. My mom has worked in daycare for many years, so I'm not saying this without basis! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
obiandelismom Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 The problem is (and I know there are some good childcare centers out there), most people working in daycare centers are not "professionals" by any means. They're underpaid and overworked, and while most have good intentions, those can go quickly out the window when faced with 10-15 kids that aren't their own. My mom has worked in daycare for many years, so I'm not saying this without basis! Oh, I totally agree with you! That's why I put "professional" in quotes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3lilreds in NC Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Wow, I don't know what to say. It sounds like maybe something else is going on. Full-time daycare for a 9 month old? That's not about socialization...well, maybe for the mom. Or maybe your friend is depressed. You know, I could see that. I had a really hard time after my 1st was born and just needed her to be AWAY from me. I was so anxious that I could not have stood to leave her with anyone else - had panic attacks just going to the grocery store & leaving her with dh - but I can see how someone would feel like they needed some space and could rationalize daycare for "social skills." It was HARD to stay home with one baby and adjust to taking care of her all the time. I believe God sent Abbie 367 days after Emma because if I'd have had time to think about it, we would have had one child. Period. No more babies. I hated how I felt with PPD after she was born. I can remember thinking I would have to give her up for adoption because I could. not. do. it. Can you imagine? She will probably look back and see that it was ridiculous, but right now she sounds like she might not be in a good place. Surely no pediatrician or other rational person told her daycare would be a good idea. If her baby starts getting sick all the time, and he probably will, she may decide it was a bad idea. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margaret in GA Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Add me to the list of people who agree that this is about your friend wanting time away and not the child needing time away. For whatever reason, she's just telling you (and herself) that that's the reason. Years ago, my SIL decided her dd needed daycare and "socialization" so much, she enrolled her child (an infant under the age of 1 at the time) and worked there herself-- no net take home pay. How weird is that? I think lonliness and self-doubt totally played a role. Margaret Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elizam Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 My guess is that the mom must be terribly lonely and perhaps not confident in being a parent. The world's message is that dc need to separate from us as soon as possible to be "socialized." I always get annoyed when I know someone is totally sold on an idea that I am not, especially when it seems to obvious that they are wrong! But there really are people out there that don't even know the same stuff we know about child development, learning, etc. And they aren't looking for it, either. I worked in daycare for nine months when my then Navy dh was in a school. I needed some sort of job and I like dc a lot. I didn't have my own then. It was HORRIFYING. This was supposedly a "good" daycare which was called a "preschool" so people would think the kids learned a lot there. The main thing they learned was that other kids BITE you and that the workers might hit, bite, or pinch you when they thought no one was looking--the often otherwise kindly but very uneducated workers thought this was appropriate discipline! The director was a piece of work who limited the kids' lunch food and snacks so she'd make more $$, and she pressured parents not to take them out for vacation, sick days, etc. for her own $$ gain...she also forced us to work sick if she could. SHe tried to convince me that I had to work at least half a day with a 104 temp! My dh had been sure up till then that our kids would go to daycare one day so I could be a teacher. He changed his mind after that job experience of mine! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jugglin'5 Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 In addition to asking about possible depression, maybe you could gently suggest a 2 day a week Mother's Day Out or something? That way if she really needs to get out she can, but the baby would still be home most of the time. My sis-in-law is so much more social and on the go than me, that the only way for her to keep her sanity and homeschool is to put her kids in a two day a week co-op. Really it's like a part-time private school. It helps her recharge when the kids are out those two days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragons in the flower bed Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 O.K., so I have this friend who has a 9 month old son. He's an only child and she doesn't work. She's decided that he's not developing social skills fast enough and has decided to put him in daycare Monday - Friday 7:30-4:30 so he can get "social skill." I"m so frustrated with her for doing this. That is completely developmentally inappropriate. The social skills nine month olds need are dependent upon being with his primary caregiver for the majority of his waking hours. She is at home full time, but doesn't want to be with her baby for eight hours a day, five days a week? It seems to me that either this woman is completely bereft of knowledge of child development, or there is something else going on. Maybe she's depressed, or maybe she and her partner are having troubles and she's worried that she may need to work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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