Is this wrong?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Dh is super super generous with our money to charities. I like charities and generosity too. But here's the problem. I pay the actual bills. I know how tight money is. Money is already promised to a number of charities and non-profits. I fully support those promises. But charities in this area know to ask for dh on the phone. If they get him, and not me, they will get money promised to them too. Not huge amounts - $15 here, $20 there. But we don't have the money for all of these incidental (because we didn't choose them before hand) charities. I've started to refuse to let them talk to dh and ask them to "take us off their list".

 

I just made a caller extremely angry at me for doing this. I don't care about the solicitor but I feel slightly guilty for going behind dh's back to do this. He wouldn't care about not supporting the charity itself - he just doesn't think the $15 here and there is a big deal. I've shown him the bank ledger, but he still doesn't think it's a big deal because he's not the one losing sleep when I have a bill come in that I don't have the money to pay. We always manage to pay them in the end, but not without some juggling.

 

While some reassurance in a JAWM sort of way would be nice;) if only to help me feel better, I really do want your opinion.

[RoughCollie]

Are you kidding? Of course it isn't wrong! The money your DH makes belongs to you, too. He's the lucky one -- he makes a salary for his work. But all the work goes into the pot, along with all the money. So you have the right to say no.

 

Plus, some of the charities that call aren't charitable organizations at all. I would never in a million years give them any information about me over the phone -- even if they say they are from our universities or are an organization I recognize. Where I used to live, the police benevolence fund used to solicit by phone. People gave -- heck, they were the police! Nope. They were con artists. So were the people who called about donating to the blind. So were the people in wheelchairs in front of the grocery store (they were planted by the con artists). So were the "college students" selling magazine subscriptions door-to-door.

 

BTW, caller ID tells you nothing. There are ways to make a call show up with a recognized charity's name, but the callers are con artists.

 

We decide which charities we will give to, and how much, and that is that. We go through normal, non-phone solicited channels. It is no one's business how much we give, to whom we give, or even if we are giving to an organized charity.

 

When I receive those phone calls, I say "No, thank you." If the caller keeps yapping, I say, "Good-Bye", and hang up.

 

That's how I see it.

Edited August 27, 2012 by RoughCollie

[KnitWit]

Okay, I truly believe that being a *help meet* to your spouse sometimes involves "saving them from themselves". kwim?

 

Being generous is a gift and a blessing...but can also be a weakness. Perhaps he is easily manipulated MORESO than wanting to give to all those people?

 

I see what you did as helping to balance him out. :grouphug:

[Starr]

I think it's better to work these decisions out before hand. We don't give to any telephone solicitations.

[justamouse]

They got angry at you? Who do they think they are? (I'm with Starr, I don't give over the telephone, though)

 

Hmmm, what I would do is pick a handful that you agree on, and give to them, only.

[OrganicAnn]

You are absolutely right to do this!

 

First, it sounds like you are already generous to charities.

 

Second, lots of telephone solicitation your money is going to pay for the people on the phones and only a fraction to the charities.

 

Third, if it is the police/fire fighters etc, they are exempt from the do not call lists, so your only hope is to head them off.

 

Finally, would your Dh feel the same if you took that money that "its only $15" and spent it frivolously, lost it, saved it for some nice perk, or put it toward retirement, etc. He'd probably feel different emotions for each one, some good and some bad. But the point is you weren't planning to spend that money in any of these ways. You were going to use it to pay bills.

[LaxMom]

Okay, I truly believe that being a *help meet* to your spouse sometimes involves "saving them from themselves". kwim?

 

Being generous is a gift and a blessing...but can also be a weakness. Perhaps he is easily manipulated MORESO than wanting to give to all those people?

 

I see what you did as helping to balance him out. :grouphug:

 

I agree. I don't think it's wrong at all to put the needs of your family ahead of random solicitors. Yes to planned giving. Big no to phone solicitations.

[catz]

I think it's better to work these decisions out before hand. We don't give to any telephone solicitations.

 

:iagree: We don't do phone or at the door solicitation (with the possible exception of known neighborhood children selling small things). We give quite a large sum of money to charity. But it is all budgeted and donated online or through the mail.

[Chris in VA]

I think it's better to work these decisions out before hand. We don't give to any telephone solicitations.

 

We don't, either.

My standard line is, "Oh, I'm sorry, we don't give over the phone. Thanks for your hard work on behalf of Blah Blah."

 

There are times I feel lead to support something extra, but with "our" money, we discuss it first. I have "my" money, and I'm free to use it as I see fit, but this year it's going to my personal charity--ME. I need to pay down debt.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Okay, I truly believe that being a *help meet* to your spouse sometimes involves "saving them from themselves". kwim?

 

Being generous is a gift and a blessing...but can also be a weakness. Perhaps he is easily manipulated MORESO than wanting to give to all those people?

 

I see what you did as helping to balance him out. :grouphug:

 

This is the situation. And while he doesn't care about the charities themselves because otherwise he would search them out as he has our usual charities, he has gotten a bit miffed when I've suggested that this is his weakness. To bring it up, as some of you have suggested, would in our particular case, lead to a small stubborn skirmish because he doesn't want to admit to this being a problem. But I do see your point. ("Your" meaning those of you who suggested talking to him about it beforehand).

Edited August 27, 2012 by Jean in Newcastle

[OrganicAnn]

I've heard of a device that you can attach to your phone and when you get a call like this you press a button and it delivers the "we do not respond to telephone solicitation" message and hangs up. So you don't have to hear the person a the other end responding (as a previous thread the caller called her a female dog). I don't know if they still make them, but maybe that would help?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Third, if it is the police/fire fighters etc, they are exempt from the do not call lists, so your only hope is to head them off.

 

 

I didn't know this. Some of them are the police/ fire fighters, or at least they say that they are. I totally support what they do, but have a hard time with the idea that my taxes aren't enough to support what they are there to do.

[oneddmanybooks]

Are you kidding? Of course it isn't wrong! The money your DH makes belongs to you, too. He's the lucky one -- he makes a salary for his work. But all the work goes into the pot, along with all the money. So you have the right to say no.

 

Plus, some of the charities that call aren't charitable organizations at all. I would never in a million years give them any information about me over the phone -- even if they say they are from our universities or are an organization I recognize. Where I used to live, the police benevolence fund used to solicit by phone. People gave -- heck, they were the police! Nope. They were con artists. So were the people who called about donating to the blind. So were the people in wheelchairs in front of the grocery store (they were planted by the con artists). So were the "college students" selling magazine subscriptions door-to-door.

 

BTW, caller ID tells you nothing. There are ways to make a call show up with a recognized charity's name, but the callers are con artists.

 

We decide which charities we will give to, and how much, and that is that. We go through normal, non-phone solicited channels. It is no one's business how much we give, to whom we give, or even if we are giving to an organized charity.

 

When I receive those phone calls, I say "No, thank you." If the caller keeps yapping, I say, "Good-Bye", and hang up.

 

That's how I see it.

 

:iagree::iagree: especially with the bolded.

[KnitWit]

I didn't know this. Some of them are the police/ fire fighters, or at least they say that they are. I totally support what they do, but have a hard time with the idea that my taxes aren't enough to support what they are there to do.

 

I would much rather give to specific needs of specific police/fire families or precincts/firehouses than to a big, black hole like those who do phone solicitation. When they call, I tell them that we help our local men and women with tangible needs. Of course, we live in a small town so it's not hard to know what those are when they arise.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Where I used to live, the police benevolence fund used to solicit by phone. People gave -- heck, they were the police! Nope. They were con artists.

 

This is exactly why I'm wary about giving to the police/fire fighters. I've seen warnings on the news about some of these organizations but I don't know how to tell the fake/con organizations from the real police/fire fighters.

[Cera]

I have a policy that we don't give to charities soliciting over the phone. They are welcome to send me a request to review.

[OrganicAnn]

Just google, there are lots of fire, policy and military phone fraud.

 

From the FTC:

 

Facts about Fire, Police, or Military Fundraisers

 

 

 

• Simply having the words "police" or "firefighter" in an organization's name doesn't mean police or firefighters are members of the group or will benefit from the funds raised.
  
• An organization may claim it has ties with local police or firefighters, but that doesn't mean contributions will be used locally or for public safety. Call your local organization to verify the connection.
  
• Many solicitations for police and fire service organizations are made by professional fund-raisers who are paid to do the job.
  
• Donations to some police or firefighter groups may not be tax deductible (eta: because they aren't 501c3 groups).
   
  

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have a policy that we don't give to charities soliciting over the phone. They are welcome to send me a request to review.

 

Dh has tried to do this to make me happy. But what happens is that we get a letter telling us that we've "pledged" a certain amount. We actually had one place threaten to send us to collections because we had pledged! I didn't cave, and we didn't hear anything more about it.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Just google, there are lots of fire, policy and military phone fraud.

 

From the FTC:

 

Facts about Fire, Police, or Military Fundraisers

 

 

• Simply having the words "police" or "firefighter" in an organization's name doesn't mean police or firefighters are members of the group or will benefit from the funds raised.
  
• An organization may claim it has ties with local police or firefighters, but that doesn't mean contributions will be used locally or for public safety. Call your local organization to verify the connection.
  
• Many solicitations for police and fire service organizations are made by professional fund-raisers who are paid to do the job.
  
• Donations to some police or firefighter groups may not be tax deductible (eta: because they aren't 501c3 groups).
   
  

 

OK - this makes me feel a lot better. Part of my guilt has been directly related to saying no to organizations with police and fire fighters in the name because even though I've been wary, I feel badly saying no to some of our country's heroes.

[mom4him]

Honestly, Jean, I believe it is a heart issue. Only can know if it is wrong to keep it from your dh.

 

I will tell you how I handle these things. If someone calls on the phone my answer is an immediate 'no' unless I know the person on the other end of the line personally. I will then tell them to send me the information and I will think/pray about it. I used to commit over the phone but don't any more. There are to many scams out there.

 

One thing I do know is God is a generous God but He also expects us to be true to our commitments and not make one that is not reachable. $15s and $20s add up to $100s.

[cindergretta]

I think it's better to work these decisions out before hand. We don't give to any telephone solicitations.

 

Donating to charity is like anything else, it should be agreed on ahead of time by the both of you. If he was out spending money $15-$20 at a time on lunch out, a movie, etc., it would be a no-no. Well, even giving it away, it is still gone.

 

When we bought our house earlier this year, I was overwhelmed by the way we were literally hemorrhaging money. A sweet friend PayPal'd me a small grip of money. I was shocked and horrified and told her she simply couldn't do that!! She told me, "Yes, I can. I make sure my family is taken care of, first and foremost. If it isn't, I don't give. If it is, I give as I want and am able." Well... there ya go! ;) (Incidentally, she is a "put your money where your mouth is" kind of person. She believes deeply in helping anyone she can, any way she can, any where she can. But *not* at the expense of her family's needs being met. I have a LOT of respect for this woman, in case that wasn't obvious.)

[Jean in Newcastle]

Honestly, Jean, I believe it is a heart issue. Only can know if it is wrong to keep it from your dh.

 

Yeah. The reason I have some guilt about keeping it from him is because normally I share everything with him and normally wouldn't refuse to let someone talk to him who asked for him on the phone. Or wouldn't refuse to let him see mail addressed to him (which is another way these charities solicit). He's on a ton of lists because he's said yes in the past so many times. I guess I need to really pray about this.

[cindergretta]

Maybe I missed the point of the OP. <blush> If you and your dh have discussed this issue and he still gives and gives without your input, then it is time for prayer, for both of you. He needs to sort out why it is so important to him to give $$ without consulting you. You need to sort out how to practically deal with a very real issue. Your not handing over the phone isn't any different (IMO) than his giving $$ without discussing it with you. So, while two wrongs don't make a right, there needs to be a resolution. He is acting behind your back which has led you to feel like you need to act behind his. Ugh. :grouphug:

[LaxMom]

I didn't know this. Some of them are the police/ fire fighters, or at least they say that they are. I totally support what they do, but have a hard time with the idea that my taxes aren't enough to support what they are there to do.

 

Well, you may want to share this with your husband: years ago, I had a call selling tickets to the "firemen's ball". I was surprised, since my firefighter husband hadn't mentioned it, and I was very active in the fire department as a volunteer and had heard nothing. The caller stammered something out about how we probably already had our tickets and hung up. Because it is a scam. Period.

 

Even the calls that aren't total scams net the fire department about 20% of your donation. If he wants to donate to the local police/fire/rescue, that's great and will be very much appreciated. Add them to your planned giving and write a check to them directly. Otherwise, you're likely not really contributing to the advertised cause.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Maybe I missed the point of the OP. <blush> If you and your dh have discussed this issue and he still gives and gives without your input, then it is time for prayer, for both of you. He needs to sort out why it is so important to him to give $$ without consulting you. You need to sort out how to practically deal with a very real issue. Your not handing over the phone isn't any different (IMO) than his giving $$ without discussing it with you. So, while two wrongs don't make a right, there needs to be a resolution. He is acting behind your back which has led you to feel like you need to act behind his. Ugh. :grouphug:

 

You know, I hadn't thought of it this way, but you are absolutely correct. This is exactly what has happened.

[QueenCat]

I didn't know this. Some of them are the police/ fire fighters, or at least they say that they are. I totally support what they do, but have a hard time with the idea that my taxes aren't enough to support what they are there to do.

 

Our fire dept sends us a letter each year. We don't pay taxes for fire, except a tiny bit for the building, it is an all volunteer service. They have to raise all of the money for training and most equipment. We do pay taxes for emt and police.

[RoughCollie]

I didn't know this. Some of them are the police/ fire fighters, or at least they say that they are. I totally support what they do, but have a hard time with the idea that my taxes aren't enough to support what they are there to do.

 

This is a fairly common scam, and of course there are legitimate calls, too.

 

Every time I got a call like that, I'd tell them I was going to check with the local PD or FD. It was always a scam. Always. So I call the PD or FD if I get those calls, to double check. If it isn't a scam and I want to donate, I'll take the money to them.

 

Now we get letters because the fire and ambulance services are volunteer ones. We donate to them. We also have to give them our insurance company and policy number, because they can recoup some of their expenses by billing the insurance.

[Catwoman]

We don't give to any telephone solicitations.

 

Neither do we.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Our fire dept sends us a letter each year. We don't pay taxes for fire, except a tiny bit for the building, it is an all volunteer service. They have to raise all of the money for training and most equipment. We do pay taxes for emt and police.

 

Our fire fighters are not volunteer.

[Audrey]

If it were me, I'd sit down with him and tell him how I felt about it. I'd tell him that I know it's hard for him to say no, and that I was willing to field all future requests, keeping in mind both the desire to give, but balanced with your keen knowledge of the real household finances and needs.

 

And, no. I don’t think that what you did is wrong. You were being mindful of your family's finances. Someone has to be on top of that.

[Sara in AZ]

Just google, there are lots of fire, policy and military phone fraud.

 

From the FTC:

 

Facts about Fire, Police, or Military Fundraisers

 

 

• Simply having the words "police" or "firefighter" in an organization's name doesn't mean police or firefighters are members of the group or will benefit from the funds raised.
  
• An organization may claim it has ties with local police or firefighters, but that doesn't mean contributions will be used locally or for public safety. Call your local organization to verify the connection.
  
• Many solicitations for police and fire service organizations are made by professional fund-raisers who are paid to do the job.
  
• Donations to some police or firefighter groups may not be tax deductible (eta: because they aren't 501c3 groups).
   
  

Y

 

Thank you for posting this! Because here's what I feel bad about....I've donated to some kind of firefighter cause in the past, so they call me all the time. I try not to pick up, but it's hard to tell on called ID sometimes. If I do get caught on the phone I have a really hard time saying no. So I'll let them go through the whole spiel, promise to send my $20 back within a week, etc. to get off the phone. But when the bill actually comes in the mail it goes straight to thx purgatory that is where mail like that goes in my house. Everything important is automated, so I don't get around to the pile of magazine renewals and firefighter donations very often. I might send it in eventually, but often I don't. They don't seen to care, though because they keep right on calling. I'm gong to choose to believe it's all a fraud anyway.

 

Nice to have you back, Jean. I hops you find peace about this issue. :)

[happi duck]

We put the money we've set aside for giving into a separate checking account. All giving comes out of that account and when it's gone it's gone until the next payday.

 

This helps us know that we can give as things come up and also keeps us from spending money that's needed for bills, groceries etc.

[fraidycat]

We give to who we want, when we want. We don't give over the phone or to door to door solicitors, at all. I don't even pick up the phone if I don't recognize the number - if it's important, they'll leave a message. The kids will only answer the phone if they see it is DH or my family calling and write off the rest as "oh, somebody just wants money" so they continue doing whatever they were doing. :)

 

ETA: No, I don't think it's wrong. If you're in charge of the finances, then you're in charge of the finances. You get to make the final decision on who gets what. If your DH want to be generous, he can take the caller's info and tell them he will have to consult the budget and get back to them.

Edited August 27, 2012 by fraidycat