How would you take this letter from mom?

[I.Dup.]

So my mom found a couple notes my daughter wrote me when we were staying with them for several weeks many months ago. My daughter writes me these sweet little notes and poems, and she wrote 2 of them after she had been naughty and disciplined. They were talking about "I'm sorry for being naughty" and "I was crying because you were crying" (dh was gone for 3 weeks and it was hard sometimes, the kids were acting up more, etc)

 

So my mom sends them to me with this note, talking about how crying is fine, Jesus cried, crying is very Biblical. She knows I am uncomfortable when people cry because she was such a freaking basketcase when I was growing up. But she also could see how incredibly strong willed my daughter was- slamming doors, yelling, refusing to do small tasks. She knows how strong-willed she is and even she (my mom) also expressed frustration over that when we were there. She also saw how I would comfort her, make sure she kept her behavior in check, helped her feel special, etc. If anything, I favor my daughter because I feel sorry for her for being the only girl and because of my parents I have these issues with being close with my daughter and constantly making sure I am doing everything I can to help her feel special, loved, etc. So included in this note she says "I see you comfort your boys when they are upset" (implying that I don't comfort my daughter, I guess because of these 2 notes she found??) and something about chiding me for "punishment" and "shame." WTH? Also in her "67 years she has learned a lot about life and she wants to share that with me."

 

I've got to say my kids are happier than I EVER was as a child. Anyone around my kids could see that. Anyone who knows me knows how much I agonize over parenting and doing the right thing by my children. This is the first correspondence we have received from my parents since my dad disowned dh and I a couple weeks ago for being upset that my mom cancelled on a trip to watch our children. It's all a long story. But this was the only note included in the package she sent for the kids.

 

How would you take that?

[elfgivas]

:grouphug::grouphug: i don't think we ever stop longing for approval that sometimes just isn't going to be forthcoming.

 

i'd take it with a match, over the kitchen sink, and watch the smoke go up, and the ashes go down with water, washing it all away.

 

and then i'd garden with my kids, or play a board game, or go swimming or kite flying and thank my lucky stars that my kids and i have one another.

 

:grouphug:

ann

[Mrs Mungo]

Let. It. Go.

 

My mom likes to gripe at me and my sisters about our parenting. It is a JOKE, given her shoddy skills. I just blow it off.

[I.Dup.]

Thank you both. That is exactly what I need to hear.

[Parrothead]

Let. It. Go.

 

My mom likes to gripe at me and my sisters about our parenting. It is a JOKE, given her shoddy skills. I just blow it off.

:iagree:

[blessed3x]

Let. It. Go.

 

 

:iagree:

 

As hard as it may be, just let it go. Hug your kids. Smile. Move on.

:grouphug:

[TranquilMind]

I would try to look at it as "she means well". I'd probably ask her about the things you questioned, such as the "I see you comfort the boys" thing.

 

Everyone wants to feel valuable, and when your kids are grown and gone and you really screwed up, you want to feel like you have something to offer still, I would imagine.

 

This could even open up a dialogue, if you approach it correctly (not saying I'd have any idea what that would be).

 

I have a pretty chilly MIL. She's said some mean things. She's messed up with her kids. But you know what I discovered, once, when we had a real talk (and I do mean ONCE. It happened one time only)? Her mother raised her exactly the same way. She had no idea what to do. She's just a person too, who messed up big time in some ways. So I try to look at her charitably now that I'm older. I want my kids to think of me charitably where I messed up.

[bettyandbob]

I wouldn't respond.

 

I think you need a long break from your parents.

 

If I were in this situation and my mom starting contacting me, for a while I would keep my communication very minimal. If it were a phone call it would be short: everyone's fine, glad you are well, good bye. If I were asked to visit I'd be very noncommittal.

 

I would never again rely on them for any help, even if they volunteered. The only help we get is the occassional ride to ballet or swimming when we can't figure out how to coordinate it. No extended babysitting. My kids are older than yours, but this was true when they were very young and I only have 3. However, my three all had serious special needs and I knew I could not rely on anyone to have the ability to deal with it. In almost 18 dh and I have had only one overnight away from the kids and that was when there were only 2 of them. It's hard and stressful, but you cannot count on these people and you need to make space between you and them so that you never think you can count on them.

[I.Dup.]

I would try to look at it as "she means well". I'd probably ask her about the things you questioned, such as the "I see you comfort the boys" thing.

 

Everyone wants to feel valuable, and when your kids are grown and gone and you really screwed up, you want to feel like you have something to offer still, I would imagine.

 

This could even open up a dialogue, if you approach it correctly (not saying I'd have any idea what that would be).

 

I have a pretty chilly MIL. She's said some mean things. She's messed up with her kids. But you know what I discovered, once, when we had a real talk (and I do mean ONCE. It happened one time only)? Her mother raised her exactly the same way. She had no idea what to do. She's just a person too, who messed up big time in some ways. So I try to look at her charitably now that I'm older. I want my kids to think of me charitably where I messed up.

 

Thanks. I'm not looking at this to open up a dialogue, BTDT, and she and my Dad have disowned us and everything. :glare:

 

I wouldn't respond.

 

I think you need a long break from your parents.

 

If I were in this situation and my mom starting contacting me, for a while I would keep my communication very minimal. If it were a phone call it would be short: everyone's fine, glad you are well, good bye. If I were asked to visit I'd be very noncommittal.

 

I would never again rely on them for any help, even if they volunteered. The only help we get is the occassional ride to ballet or swimming when we can't figure out how to coordinate it. No extended babysitting. My kids are older than yours, but this was true when they were very young and I only have 3. However, my three all had serious special needs and I knew I could not rely on anyone to have the ability to deal with it. In almost 18 dh and I have had only one overnight away from the kids and that was when there were only 2 of them. It's hard and stressful, but you cannot count on these people and you need to make space between you and them so that you never think you can count on them.

 

Yes, I totally agree. I would say now, after many years and way longer than I should have, I have learned that I should not contact my parents, I should let them do the contacting, and I should CERTAINLY NEVER depend on them for anything. Normally I'm the one trying to stay in contact, apologize for everything, act like we are one big normal happy family, but I am surprisingly okay with minimal contact and just letting them go since this all happened. It's been many years coming.

[Bearcat]

Let. It. Go.

 

My mom likes to gripe at me and my sisters about our parenting. It is a JOKE, given her shoddy skills. I just blow it off.

:iagree:

 

My MIL is like that. I just remind myself she does not see the whole picture. She only gets snippets of our time but likes to draw lots of conclusions based on the little bits she does see.

She got some crazy idea that my 7 year old son resents his 3 year old brother because she saw the 7 year old pinch his little brother's cheek. She sent a long know it all e-mail about sibling rivalry and cautioned me about the way I am raising them etc. It's a joke. My 7 year old would walk across hot coals for his little brother but all she sees is that one pinch so in her mind they are doomed.

 

She is not there with you everyday in the trenches 24/7. She does not see the whole picture. Don't stress about it. You know what your relationship is like with your daughter whether your mother understands it or not.

[Mrs Mungo]

I would try to look at it as "she means well."

 

I disagree that they always mean well. That isn't my experience. Can moms also be messed up people who deserve compassion? Of course, that is why I said that I blow it off instead of letting it get to me. But, meaning well? I don't think so. It is meant to make *you* feel bad, thereby excusing/justifying their own past behavior.

[rwjx2khsmj]

With a grain of salt. Whatever she was trying to say, you know the truth about your relationship with your children. You know the truth about your relationship with her. No need to reply. The response wouldn't be what you want nor would it be helpful.

[I.Dup.]

:iagree:

 

My MIL is like that. I just remind myself she does not see the whole picture. She only gets snippets of our time but likes to draw lots of conclusions based on the little bits she does see.

She got some crazy idea that my 7 year old son resents his 3 year old brother because she saw the 7 year old pinch his little brother's cheek. She sent a long know it all e-mail about sibling rivalry and cautioned me about the way I am raising them etc. It's a joke. My 7 year old would walk across hot coals for his little brother but all she sees is that one pinch so in her mind they are doomed.

 

She is not there with you everyday in the trenches 24/7. She does not see the whole picture. Don't stress about it. You know what your relationship is like with your daughter whether your mother understands it or not.

 

Yes, exactly. You would think in her "67 years of life" she would learn that you shouldn't draw conclusions from small snippets. And I'm still confused as to how she even DREW those conclusions but whatever.

 

I probably wouldn't take it well. I'm sensitive like that though.

 

That said, my mother passed away when she was 49 (I was 28). So at this point I wouldn't mind hearing her comments. ;)

 

I'd probably try to let it go. It seems she meant well.

 

:grouphug: Sometimes I really try to think of how it would be if my mom were gone. Sadly, I think in many ways at this point it would be a relief (I would know she is in a better place and I wouldn't have to deal with the constant craziness between us) but we have had a toxic relationship for over 20 years now.

 

I disagree that they always mean well. That isn't my experience. Can moms also be messed up people who deserve compassion? Of course, that is why I said that I blow it off instead of letting it get to me. But, meaning well? I don't think so. It is meant to make *you* feel bad, thereby excusing/justifying their own past behavior.

 

This is what I wonder too.

[I.Dup.]

This is the reply I sent:

 

Thank you for the package! The kids are having fun playing with the toys! I hope Dad is feeling better.

 

~Kristi

[silliness7]

So my mom found a couple notes my daughter wrote me when we were staying with them for several weeks many months ago. My daughter writes me these sweet little notes and poems, and she wrote 2 of them after she had been naughty and disciplined. They were talking about "I'm sorry for being naughty" and "I was crying because you were crying" (dh was gone for 3 weeks and it was hard sometimes, the kids were acting up more, etc)

 

So my mom sends them to me with this note, talking about how crying is fine, Jesus cried, crying is very Biblical. She knows I am uncomfortable when people cry because she was such a freaking basketcase when I was growing up. But she also could see how incredibly strong willed my daughter was- slamming doors, yelling, refusing to do small tasks. She knows how strong-willed she is and even she (my mom) also expressed frustration over that when we were there. She also saw how I would comfort her, make sure she kept her behavior in check, helped her feel special, etc. If anything, I favor my daughter because I feel sorry for her for being the only girl and because of my parents I have these issues with being close with my daughter and constantly making sure I am doing everything I can to help her feel special, loved, etc. So included in this note she says "I see you comfort your boys when they are upset" (implying that I don't comfort my daughter, I guess because of these 2 notes she found??) and something about chiding me for "punishment" and "shame." WTH? Also in her "67 years she has learned a lot about life and she wants to share that with me."

 

I've got to say my kids are happier than I EVER was as a child. Anyone around my kids could see that. Anyone who knows me knows how much I agonize over parenting and doing the right thing by my children. This is the first correspondence we have received from my parents since my dad disowned dh and I a couple weeks ago for being upset that my mom cancelled on a trip to watch our children. It's all a long story. But this was the only note included in the package she sent for the kids.

 

How would you take that?

 

:grouphug::grouphug: I have no idea how to take that. Family stuff can stink sometimes. Obviously there's so much history and backstory that we can't know. I just wanted to say that if your mom loves you and supports you listen to her comments with an open mind. Sometimes others can see things in ourselves that we just can't. She might be saying it badly and you might need to listen with a grain of salt, but if she cares about you see if you can find a nugget of truth and work from there. :grouphug:

 

ETA: Reading through the comments it seems maybe you don't have a good relationship with your mom and that she might not be looking out for your best interests. If that's the case I second the "let it go" advice.

Edited August 19, 2012 by silliness7

[Danestress]

For whatever happened regarding the trip, and is pointing out your faults to fortify her own conviction that you are unreasonable, insensitive, or whatever else it is she wants to pick at.

 

Water off a duck's back.

 

I think your response was fine. I don't get resPonding at all, though, if a serious attempt to disown you was made. Was that a heat of the moment thing or do you really think your relationship has been ended?

 

Sorry you are dealing with this.

[Momma_Bear]

Let. It. Go.

 

:iagree: :grouphug:

[I.Dup.]

and is pointing out your faults to fortify her own conviction that you are unreasonable, insensitive, or whatever else it is she wants to pick at.

 

 

Yep. This is the story of my life with her. She can never EVER take responsibility for her poor decisions, so she blames everyone else. She even blames me for how I acted as a young child.

[Delirium]

*hugs and cupcakes* :grouphug:

[AK_Mom4]

This is the reply I sent:

 

Thank you for the package! The kids are having fun playing with the toys! I hope Dad is feeling better.

 

~Kristi

 

Woohoo! You ARE AWESOME!

:party:

[Denisemomof4]

Excellent reply to your mom.:001_smile:

 

My relationship was mostly toxic with my parents until I was in my 30's. I learned to make boundaries around my family, which was life changing. just as important was to see my parents AS THEY TRULY WERE and not what I wanted them to be. i learned not to try to gain approval, explain myself or argue with them. Once my heart softened towards them (I grew up feeling lonely qnd unloved as dad was close to brother, mom close to sister, and I was often times the left out middle child) I saw them for the hurting people that they really were. Our relationship grew into so ething truly beautiful and I enjoyed their final decade in a close relationship I never thought we could have. I am so thankful for that.

 

It doesn't have to be that you cut your parents out of your life. But you really do have to accept them as they are and not want or expect anything out of them.

[justamouse]

:grouphug::grouphug: i don't think we ever stop longing for approval that sometimes just isn't going to be forthcoming.

 

i'd take it with a match, over the kitchen sink, and watch the smoke go up, and the ashes go down with water, washing it all away.

 

and then i'd garden with my kids, or play a board game, or go swimming or kite flying and thank my lucky stars that my kids and i have one another.

 

:grouphug:

ann

:iagree::iagree:

 

Burn it and don't look back.

 

Let. It. Go.

 

My mom likes to gripe at me and my sisters about our parenting. It is a JOKE, given her shoddy skills. I just blow it off.

 

:iagree:

 

I say that I'm a decent parent *despite* my mother, not because of her. ;)

 

:grouphug:

[justamouse]

Yep. This is the story of my life with her. She can never EVER take responsibility for her poor decisions, so she blames everyone else. She even blames me for how I acted as a young child.

 

My mother is the same. I had to draw some VERY hard lines in the sand, and it was painful. BUT, it made my relationship with her better. She *knows* now, what lines to not cross. She knows I won't tolerate it, and that I don't have to accept her manipulation. :grouphug:

[sparrow]

This is the reply I sent:

 

Thank you for the package! The kids are having fun playing with the toys! I hope Dad is feeling better.

 

~Kristi

 

 

Excellent response! I have a difficult relationship with my dad. If I can muster up the strength to NOT take his bait, nothing escalates.

 

 

 

:grouphug:

[I.Dup.]

Thank you all. :001_smile:

[Mommy22alyns]

Yep, brush it off. You have my total sympathy. You never think your parents would give up their own grandkids, do you? :(

[Munchkins_mama]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I have a similar (lack of) relationship with my mom. She has apologized for the way she raised me, and then harps on me for how I am messing up my girls. I finally asked her to no longer contact us. They moved to a completely different hemisphere and, honestly, instead of missing her, I feel so relieved to not have to deal with her anymore. Then I feel guilty because I should care but I really just don't. *Sigh.

 

Anyways, From what I've read, you are a very caring and concerned mother who tries your hardest to do right by your children. Sometimes you just have to accept that there won't be that loving, happy, perfect relationship with your parents and move on.

 

It's amazingly freeing once you decide to let go completely. :grouphug:

[Alicia64]

 

I've got to say my kids are happier than I EVER was as a child. Anyone around my kids could see that. Anyone who knows me knows how much I agonize over parenting and doing the right thing by my children.

 

Boy, I could have written those sentences. Just on the surface of what you've written -- your mom butting her nose into your relationship with your daughter, your dad disowning you, your bad childhood -- I'd consider that one or both of your parents have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

 

Have you seen this site? http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/discuss/viewforum.php?f=7

 

It has helped me so much. I went "no contact" with my crazy parents in April after my father acted horrendously toward one of my sons. This site helped me to see that my dad has real mental problems and can't really change them.

 

I hope you'll check it out.

 

Alley

[QuirkyKapers]

Your reply was excellent. :grouphug:

[kalanamak]

 

How would you take that?

 

I'd ignore it, and might even go so far as to lie if she presses and say "what notes?". Then, pass the bean dip.

[I.Dup.]

Boy, I could have written those sentences. Just on the surface of what you've written -- your mom butting her nose into your relationship with your daughter, your dad disowning you, your bad childhood -- I'd consider that one or both of your parents have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

 

Have you seen this site? http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/discuss/viewforum.php?f=7

 

It has helped me so much. I went "no contact" with my crazy parents in April after my father acted horrendously toward one of my sons. This site helped me to see that my dad has real mental problems and can't really change them.

 

I hope you'll check it out.

 

Alley

 

Wow, this is depressing. My home was so screwed up growing up. :( My Dad is diagnosed as bipolar and shows all the symptoms of NPD. My mom also shows symptoms of NPD but more likely Histrionic Personality Disorder. She also has clinical depression.

 

I am such an anxiety ridden person, I always have been. As I read through these descriptions I am paranoid about myself being like any of them. I can relate to some of the Histrionic Personality Disorder qualities (I always acted out sexually, I tend to lack boundaries compared to other people) and my greatest fear is that I will repeat the patterns of my parents. It seriously makes me miserable. I have ZERO healthy models to go by.

[justamouse]

Wow, this is depressing. My home was so screwed up growing up. :( My Dad is diagnosed as bipolar and shows all the symptoms of NPD. My mom also shows symptoms of NPD but more likely Histrionic Personality Disorder. She also has clinical depression.

 

I am such an anxiety ridden person, I always have been. As I read through these descriptions I am paranoid about myself being like any of them. I can relate to some of the Histrionic Personality Disorder qualities (I always acted out sexually, I tend to lack boundaries compared to other people) and my greatest fear is that I will repeat the patterns of my parents. It seriously makes me miserable. I have ZERO healthy models to go by.

 

May I suggest reading some of the saints stories? Like St. Anne? Maybe she should be your patron saint for the year. :grouphug:

[justLisa]

I remember your problem with the trip. SO they disowned you over being upset? How upset?

 

I overly agonize over everything and everyone so I get it. I really had to learn to grow a thicker skin and force myself to start thinking about something else or I would dwell, and dwell and dwell some more. My mother was very emotional growing up and I did not feel stability. I know she loved us but she did not really have parenting skills because her mother was horribly abusive and just plain horrible.

 

That particular letter at this point would make me roll my eyes and think "nice try." But a few years ago I would probably be bawling. :grouphug:

[Ravin]

I would not take it well. I could see getting something like that from my dad (though not from my mom; she knows she wasn't a perfect parent when we were kids, and one of the things she's learned is how to appropriately be a parent to adult children and the healthy role of a grandparent; like you many of her lessons came from what-not-to-do examples from her own mother, whom she is currently not speaking to because the woman refuses to acknowledge the legitimacy of my youngest brother and sister because they're adopted).

 

I would probably react badly, with an angry telephone call or email and call her on her male bovine excrement. That is not, however, what would be a good idea. Either ignoring it or calmly writing a heartfelt letter once you've calmed down and waiting a week to see if it's still worth mailing would be better.

[LucyStoner]

What letter? You didn't get any letters. Oh that piece of paper? I thought it was packing material. Recycled it with the box.

 

Burn the letter, toss back a drink (wine, cupcake vodka, whatever floats your boat) and memorize this simple rule for dealing with family like this: never feed the crazy.

[shanvan]

:grouphug::grouphug: i don't think we ever stop longing for approval that sometimes just isn't going to be forthcoming.

 

i'd take it with a match, over the kitchen sink, and watch the smoke go up, and the ashes go down with water, washing it all away.

 

and then i'd garden with my kids, or play a board game, or go swimming or kite flying and thank my lucky stars that my kids and i have one another.

 

:grouphug:

ann

 

For some reason this option just really appeals to me. :tongue_smilie:

 

Dh and I are taking a break from his parents currently. I posted a couple of times about our situation. I have no idea how long this break will be, but I'm glad life is peaceful (mostly).

[I.Dup.]

I remember your problem with the trip. SO they disowned you over being upset? How upset?

 

My dh wrote a couple lined email basically saying "why do you keep looking for something to be wrong with Dad when you have gone around the state visiting the best specialists who have found nothing wrong. Dad is a big boy and can take care of himself for a few days."

 

I know that was a bad idea, but dh has had it with my parents. My Dad wrote back throwing everything in my dh's face that he (my dh) has ever done wrong, saying he was never welcome to contact him again. Saying that they look out for the 2 of them above all and they really aren't all that concerned about us or our needs, period. Basically saying "go to hell."

 

This was the first contact we've gotten since that. And my mom has the nerve to send me a text saying "sorry we missed Tadhgan's birthday (my 1yo who just turned 1), call me today." Yeah, I'll get right on that. They have so much to do sitting around the house pampering eachother that I guess they can't bother to send a text or an email on the baby's actual birthday. But they already made it clear they really don't care about us, so hey. What bothers me the most is that I have so much trouble setting boundaries and not taking on everyone else's emotions, meanwhile the 2 people who I thought were always supposed to love me and be there for me have no problem setting boundaries that cut me right out of their life, and they always have.