My heritage isn't good enough

[Bensmom]

Let me preface this by saying, this isn't meant to be a racist, condemning thread. I just need to talk. Thanks in advance for listening.

 

After a failed adoption and years of struggle, we are waiting to adopt through dhs. We know a specific child we want to adopt. She is blonde with blue eyes. It has come to light that she may be 1/16th or 1/32 Native American. (If a person is 1/32 one race, then what percentage is NOT that race???) If she is indeed Native, then the Indian Child Welfare Act says that relatives have first adoptive choice (none wish to adopt her), Native persons within the tribe have second priority, Native persons from a different tribe have third priority and only if those are exhaused can my husband and I (non-Native) be considered. The social worker suggested that we consider another child. I understand that it is important to Native Americans that adopted children still participate in their culture. (My hubby and I both have many NA relatives by marriage) DHS says they place the child in the best home for the child. My skin color and heritage say that I cannot be the best for this child that I already know and love. It is frustrating and heartbreaking.

[besroma]

I am so sorry. I hope it works out for you. :grouphug:

[kalanamak]

My skin color and heritage say that I cannot be the best for this child that I already know and love. It is frustrating and heartbreaking.

 

:grouphug: I spent 2 months working on a reservation, and there was a very Germanic couple, teachers at the local school, who'd adopted 4 kids they had met in school. There is hope.

[Plucky]

I'm sorry. Native American rules are pretty strict. I understand what they are trying to accomplish, but I think the rules can be way too restrictive. It is hard to find good foster or adoptive homes for many of them. Is there anyone you can appeal to?

[Jean in Newcastle]

It sounds like you're toward the beginning of the process? You know that family members don't want to adopt her. Is there a time limit in which tribe members can apply? Another time limit for people from another tribe?

[Whereneverever]

Which tribe is in question? Have you tried talking to the tribal welfare office about it?

[laundrycrisis]

I am guessing the social worker is seeing possibly a long hard road ahead with this adoption, perhaps with a low chance of success. I wonder if you could document that you have Native American relatives by marriage, and that you can find local opportunities to participate in Native American culture, that might help make a better case for you.

[NotSoObvious]

Your social worker is trying to save you heartache.

 

Our friends adopted two children who were half Navajo. They notified the Navajo Nation and jumped through all the hoops. A year later the N.N. came back and said the adoption wasn't ok and they wanted the kids on the reservation. Our friends fought all the way to the Utah Supreme court AND WON. But, it was an awful process! It was shocking how far it's out of DCFS' hands.

 

(and, fwiw, the kids were also 50% Mexican-American and the adoptive dad was Mexican-American. That was one of their arguments- their Native heritage is more important than their Mexican heritage and being with the family they know and love???)

 

It's very frustrating and I feel your pain. We fought back and forth for our girls and at one point our religion was in question. Seriously...

[Catwoman]

I know nothing about these situations, but I wanted to send you some :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Mergath]

:grouphug: That's so hard. Growing up in Minnesota, I've been surrounded by Native culture my entire life, so I can see both sides. I understand allowing the relatives to have the first chance to adopt the child so he/she has a chance of being raised within the tribe's culture, but if they say no, I think the child should go to anyone who can provide a loving home, regardless of their ethnicity.

 

Are your Native American relatives from the same tribe as the child? If so, I'd think that would be a big point in your favor.

[Desert Rat]

Oy. I'm so sorry. I know about that rule. The family involved was able to finally adopt the 3 siblings. It worked for them. I hope you get your happy ending, too.

[Bensmom]

Thanks for listening and all the support. In answer to all the questions:

We are near the beginning of the process. She is being fostered by her great aunt and uncle who are church friends. They are from the Delaware tribe. They have been able to confirm that she is 1/32. That is enough to legally by considered Native. Had a long talk with the aunt last night. She feels like the tribal members won't want to adopt her because she isn't "Native enough" and doesn't look Native. We will just keep jumping through the hoops, and praying.

 

Anyone else had experience with this?

[Kathryn]

No experience, just :grouphug:.

[Impish]

I have experience from the opposite side.

 

Wolf is First Nations heritage, far more than 1/32.

 

He's considered one of the 'taken children'...one of the reasons that the laws here in Canada changed. He's from the generation that were either shoved into residential schools, or adopted out.

 

He was adopted out...to a widow. Back in 1970, when single parent adoptions weren't allowed...but was, b/c a 'white' home was better than not. His adoption records are full of racist comments, it's really appalling.

 

So, I can see both sides of things...to a point. Too many times I've heard of ppl being refused the ability to adopt. Not b/c tribe members want to adopt, or family members...but simply b/c the tribe says no...and the child is left to live in foster care. I think that's stupid, damaging, and completely wrong. yeah, cause the child is going to have the warm fuzzies about a tribe that denied him/her a forever family, based on heritage. Uh huh.

 

At the same time, there's a few generations of First Nations ppl that have no real concept of their culture. The language is largely lost (ie, none of Wolf's generation speaks Cree, and apparently, that's not uncommon), so much has been lost b/c of the damage purposefully wreaked upon them by our government.

 

I think that there should be some legal provisions when adopting a child of First Nations heritage, when you don't share it. a legally binding agreement that the child participates in x,y,z on a weekly/monthly basis. That way, children CAN have forever homes, regardless of heritage, and still have education about their own heritage.

 

I think the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction. No child should have to live in foster care based on their heritage. It's ridiculous, ime. Of course, they're trying to 'correct' taking kids AWAY from parents based on heritage, but :001_huh:

 

We also had a situation several yrs ago w/a family member of Wolf's. She was smoking meth w/the baby in the room...baby had bruises...long story. She was w/us for 10 days, and returned. I flat out asked, "Tell me, if ____ wasn't Status, would she be getting this child back?" and I was told, "I can't confirm or deny that statement." :001_huh:

 

So yeah, heritage very much can end up working against these kids.

[Ottakee]

Similar to Impish here.

 

Dh is 1/2 Native and his mother was a "taken child"---parental rights weren't terminated but she was taken to a Catholic boarding school where they separated her from her siblings, cut off their culture, severely limited contact with the parents, banned the Native Language, etc.

 

We have adopted 3 children, one through the ICWA and 2 that were placed through them but then when they couldnt' verify Native status went to DHS.

 

In Michigan, it is 1/4th Native for "papers" and I think after 1/8th status they don't fall under the ICWA rules.

 

Can you verify in your state/the tribe what the exact rules are for the child in question.

 

I would also present your case with the Native family members you have, your willingness to adopt and continue that heritage, etc.

 

My friends are WHITE and adopted a full blood Inuit/Eskimo daughter from North Slope Alaska. The tribe had to approve it but they willingly did.

 

I won't say it is easy, but it can be done, esp. if the relatives would say that your home is a good place.

 

Do you have all of your adoption study done/foster care license in place, etc? That might help move things along as well.

[Crimson Wife]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

I'm sorry, but once you get less than 1/4 something, I don't think that ethnicity-based rules should apply.

 

One of my great-grandmothers was Latina but the other 7 great-grandparents were of Irish or Scottish heritage. My maiden name is Irish. I have blonde hair, blue eyes, and very fair skin. I took a year of Spanish in high school but I only have a rudimentary understanding of the language. Never in a million years would anybody discriminate against me because they think I'm Latina. I don't think I should be able to receive any benefits because of my slight Latina heritage.

[kokotg]

:grouphug:

 

MY kids are 1/32 Native American.....in this part of the country (and many other parts of the country, I imagine), it'd probably be hard to find anyone who WASN'T (at least anyone whose from-this-area ancestors go back a few generations).

[stripe]

I can understand why this is very frustrating and hurtful for you. I think sometimes one has to consider that there are two ideas here that are easy to overlook: if you are a member of the majority culture, your culture doesn't feel important to you. It just "is." But it's not the same for members of minority cultures. It's more complicated. So to you culture may seem unimportant, or others' cultures, but it might be very important to others. If one says "heritage doesn't matter" or "I don't see skin color," that can be perceived as, "I am okay with you as long as you adapt to me and don't bring up your heritage." Secondly, I think it's easier to think of a child as a baby or child who lives with us, but ultimately the person will be an adult and out on his or her own. The person will have experiences and feelings of their own and may be seen as an adult member of a minority group, or may feel conflicted as a person of mixed heritage. Anyway it's obvious you mean well but I think other people have different perspectives on what is important and how that translates into action.

[Caroline]

I really like how you explained this.

 

I can understand why this is very frustrating and hurtful for you. I think sometimes one has to consider that there are two ideas here that are easy to overlook: if you are a member of the majority culture, your culture doesn't feel important to you. It just "is." But it's not the same for members of minority cultures. It's more complicated. So to you culture may seem unimportant, or others' cultures, but it might be very important to others. If one says "heritage doesn't matter" or "I don't see skin color," that can be perceived as, "I am okay with you as long as you adapt to me and don't bring up your heritage." Secondly, I think it's easier to think of a child as a baby or child who lives with us, but ultimately the person will be an adult and out on his or her own. The person will have experiences and feelings of their own and may be seen as an adult member of a minority group, or may feel conflicted as a person of mixed heritage. Anyway it's obvious you mean well but I think other people have different perspectives on what is important and how that translates into action.