Perogi Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 Dh took the kids out to a local festival this morning - happens once a year. There are rides, sidewalk sales, face painting, food, etc. They went for a quick tour to get a lay of the land and then come back, have a bite to eat and go back this afternoon with me and our little foster babes. When leaving, dd 7yo was disobedient and willful. About something silly re: getting in the car and getting buckled/cooperating with the other kids getting into the car, but she refused multiple times to do what dh asked her do and when she did comply it was with anger and attitude. When they got home dh pulled her aside to talk about it and was saying that kind of behaviour makes him not want to take her back to the festival this afternoon. I jumped in because I suddenly had a vision of someone stuck at home with the disobedient child and I really wanted all of us to go. I know I shouldn't have because I didn't even have a clear picture of the situation but I did. I suggested that she could go this afternoon but she wouldn't be permitted to go on the rides. Now she is in her room crying and dh is saying that it's too harsh of a consequence. Wwyd? Change the consequence? Stick with it? Do you think it's too harsh? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 Tell her you know she can pull it together and behave well. She was probably excited. Let it go and have fun. You really don't want to punish the whole family. How weird for the other kids to look at her all day crying and watching them ride. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimm Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 If you think it's too harsh, change it. I would give chores or take a privilege at home such behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ksr5377 Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 We have changed consequences after talking it over before. I think it's different than caving in and letting them have what they want in the moment. Meaning, I think it's fine to change the consequence and go in to her now and explain that you and DH talked it over and changed your mind. I do NOT think it's ok to say she's not riding and then, at the festival, with her upset tell her "Oh, OK, go ahead." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 My first thought (with my dd) would be, was she hungry? This happens to my kid when she's hungry and I tend to give her grace if that's the reason. I tend to agree that it is hard to ask her to watch her siblings ride. Maybe she could take a nap/timeout and then do a chore to "earn it back." Or she could sit out one or two rides, but not all of them for the whole day. Or some combination thereof. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dory Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I think it's unhealthy to 'change you mind' about discipline, but I have given too harsh of discipline before and usually I just give the kid an opportunity to 'earn' a piece of their freedom back. I'll tell them that I know they can behave better and that if they prove it by doing this, than I'll lesson their discipline to this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I think it's too harsh and would change it. I've had to do it before and I don't think it's a bad thing for kids to see that their parents mess up sometimes and make it right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perogi Posted July 21, 2012 Author Share Posted July 21, 2012 Wow, you guys are blowing my mind! I totally expected everyone to say that it would be bad to change the consequence. I will say that I'm sure she was excited, etc. but this is a bit of a character issue for this particular child and we were recently saying that she required some "boot camp". I think that's why I jumped so quickly to something so harsh. Grace is also not my strong suit.... Dh is relieved ;) I will figure something out. She came out of her room calm and penitent, clearly trying to reconnect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 Wow, you guys are blowing my mind! I totally expected everyone to say that it would be bad to change the consequence. In general it is bad, but I think almost all parents have spoken too quickly and had to change their minds occasionally. Certainly my husband and I have. I've also learned not to jump in when my husband is talking to one of the kids. I can picture the scene you described happening in my house - perfectly. It has happened before. Now I just wait to hear what my husband has to say. If I disagree, I talk to him privately about it. In our case, most of the time it is him who is too harsh - he forgets that our son has AD/HD issues (oh the irony! ;) ) and that that the kid just needs help, not punishment sometimes. So then we go together to the child and talk it over, explain why we are changing our mind about the punishment/consequence. So far, so good. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BakersDozen Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 but this is a bit of a character issue for this particular child and we were recently saying that she required some "boot camp". If this is a character issue I would change my consequence back to her not going at all. The consequence fits the misbehavior. Yes, it would stink that I would have to stay home with her but for me it would be worth the lesson (hopefully) learned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.Dup. Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I think it's unhealthy to 'change you mind' about discipline, but I have given too harsh of discipline before and usually I just give the kid an opportunity to 'earn' a piece of their freedom back. I'll tell them that I know they can behave better and that if they prove it by doing this, than I'll lesson their discipline to this. If this is a character issue I would change my consequence back to her not going at all. The consequence fits the misbehavior. Yes, it would stink that I would have to stay home with her but for me it would be worth the lesson (hopefully) learned. I would probably do with Dory suggested because I wouldn't want to be stuck at home with her either, but what LuvnMySvn suggested is probably the best way to handle it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 If this is a character issue I would change my consequence back to her not going at all. The consequence fits the misbehavior. Yes, it would stink that I would have to stay home with her but for me it would be worth the lesson (hopefully) learned. Even if it's a character issue, making her stay home is extremely harsh given that this is a once-a-year thing (and she's 7yo). I'd change the punishment so she could still go (even if just for an hour or two). If this is an on-going thing, I am certain another opportunity will present to give her the "natural consequence" treatment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 Meh. Typical. I'd have told her what your dh did. Behavior like that makes me think they should stay home. Kid best change her behavior pronto or that's what is going to happen. Kids changes behavior or kid stays home. If kid changes behavior only until we get there, then we will go home pronto. And yes, we have done that. I or dh will take the kid with attitude to the car and come back for everyone else later. It's rare that we have to do more than remind them of where their choices are heading bc it's very memorable that we will actually do it. No spankings, yelling, whatever. Just a solemn, "Alright. That's enough. We told you and now we are leaving. It's a real shame that's what we have to do, but that's just the way it is." and we grab their hand/carry them to the van, strap them in and go home. And they usually don't forget the missed whatever for some time. And if they do, a sibling will usually pull them aside and remind them to cool it or else. Because really no one here wants anyone else to miss out or make others miserable. And each of the kids knows that, which is important to make this consequence work. If they felt they just weren't wanted with us, THAT would certainly be terribly harsh and cruel. But they know it's not like that. Is this child regularly being the one called out? That might affect my decision. I TRY to be careful and aware of never making them feel like the one that is always in trouble/unwanted, iykwim. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lea1 Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 We have changed consequences after talking it over before. I think it's different than caving in and letting them have what they want in the moment. Meaning, I think it's fine to change the consequence and go in to her now and explain that you and DH talked it over and changed your mind. I do NOT think it's ok to say she's not riding and then, at the festival, with her upset tell her "Oh, OK, go ahead." :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.Dup. Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 making her stay home is extremely harsh Extremely harsh, really? Meh. Typical. I'd have told her what your dh did. Behavior like that makes me think they should stay home. Kid best change her behavior pronto or that's what is going to happen. Kids changes behavior or kid stays home. If kid changes behavior only until we get there, then we will go home pronto. And yes, we have done that. I or dh will take the kid with attitude to the car and come back for everyone else later. It's rare that we have to do more than remind them of where their choices are heading bc it's very memorable that we will actually do it. No spankings, yelling, whatever. Just a solemn, "Alright. That's enough. We told you and now we are leaving. It's a real shame that's what we have to do, but that's just the way it is." and we grab their hand/carry them to the van, strap them in and go home. And they usually don't forget the missed whatever for some time. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeslieAnneLevine Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 Extremely harsh, really? Yes, I think it's really harsh too. I think the OP's DH was just telling his dd that she needed to behave better because at that moment he wasn't feeling like taking her that afternoon. I don't think he was actually saying she couldn't go. It's also not up to one parent to issue a punishment that changes the plans of the other one (the OP was worried she'd have to stay home with the child, but that doesn't make sense--a parent doesn't get to do that to another parent). I don't think the OP's DH was going to do that, I think he was just trying to motivate better behavior for the afternoon (I could be wrong, but it seems to be the most likely thing to me). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I think it's too harsh and would change it. I've had to do it before and I don't think it's a bad thing for kids to see that their parents mess up sometimes and make it right. :iagree: I don't change my mind very often. But if it's a consequence that would affect the entire family, I might. And I do think it's healthy for kid's to see adults admit mistakes. I'd still have a consequence, but I could see changing it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 Extremely harsh, really? Yes, because a year is a long time to a 7-year-old. Personally I would not make my kid wait until next year to go to the fair over a brief instance of snottiness - especially if she had not been warned in advance of the consequence. There are other ways to address the lippiness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perogi Posted July 21, 2012 Author Share Posted July 21, 2012 Okay, so we did change our minds. I admitted to her that I didn't know the whole situation and should have let her dad handle it as I thought the misbehaviour happened at the festival and it actually happened in the car on the way home. She came out of her room with a completely different attitude and we said that she could earn it back with good behaviour and that she has to clean out dad's car as her consequence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 In general it is bad, but I think almost all parents have spoken too quickly and had to change their minds occasionally. Certainly my husband and I have. I've also learned not to jump in when my husband is talking to one of the kids. I can picture the scene you described happening in my house - perfectly. It has happened before. Now I just wait to hear what my husband has to say. If I disagree, I talk to him privately about it. In our case, most of the time it is him who is too harsh - he forgets that our son has AD/HD issues (oh the irony! ;) ) and that that the kid just needs help, not punishment sometimes. So then we go together to the child and talk it over, explain why we are changing our mind about the punishment/consequence. So far, so good. ;) :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 Extremely harsh, really? Yes, because a year is a long time to a 7-year-old. Personally I would not make my kid wait until next year to go to the fair over a brief instance of snottiness - especially if she had not been warned in advance of the consequence. There are other ways to address the lippiness. If they were going to put her in her room for a year, yeah that is pretty harsh. Missing one fun event out of the year? Big whoop. They will get over it and remember to behave better at the next fun whatever event, which I'm sure won't be a year in coming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CyndiLJ Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I might be in the minority, but I honestly feel that if I re-think a consequence and decide for myself that I went a little too far it is HEALTHY for me to share that with my kids and lay out a new plan. Kids need to learn that we all sometimes react from a place of anger or thoughtlessness, and that it is wise to let go of the pride of "being right at all costs" and admit it. I also explain "I was right in stating that what you did was wrong, and you know it too, but I think maybe I was a little harsh with my first reaction. I apologize for that, and here is your new consequence..." and then I lay out what the new consequence will be. I am in the camp that says a child must see that adults make mistakes too, and have it modeled for them how we appropriately can apologize and correct our own behavior. Otherwise, we are unbending and unyielding ourselves. Frankly, if I have that little niggle that I went too far, I feel that God is speaking to me and I should listen to that rather than lack humility and say "But I am the mom and what I say goes." Last time I checked, I was not perfect. It's OK for my kids to know that, and I have garnered a great deal of respect from them for being willing to reveal my failings. I also see how they are willing to be forgiving themselves, and to be willing to say "Oh yea, I can see how I made a mistake there..." If we model "perceived perfection", I think we are fooling no one but ourselves, and our kids are wise enough to see through it. There is a HUGE difference between giving in and recognizing our own failing in having gone a bit overboard. Nothing wrong at all with admitting that openly. Cindy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justLisa Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I might be in the minority, but I honestly feel that if I re-think a consequence and decide for myself that I went a little too far it is HEALTHY for me to share that with my kids and lay out a new plan. Kids need to learn that we all sometimes react from a place of anger or thoughtlessness, and that it is wise to let go of the pride of "being right at all costs" and admit it. I also explain "I was right in stating that what you did was wrong, and you know it too, but I think maybe I was a little harsh with my first reaction. I apologize for that, and here is your new consequence..." and then I lay out what the new consequence will be. I am in the camp that says a child must see that adults make mistakes too, and have it modeled for them how we appropriately can apologize and correct our own behavior. Otherwise, we are unbending and unyielding ourselves. Frankly, if I have that little niggle that I went too far, I feel that God is speaking to me and I should listen to that rather than lack humility and say "But I am the mom and what I say goes." Last time I checked, I was not perfect. It's OK for my kids to know that, and I have garnered a great deal of respect from them for being willing to reveal my failings. I also see how they are willing to be forgiving themselves, and to be willing to say "Oh yea, I can see how I made a mistake there..." If we model "perceived perfection", I think we are fooling no one but ourselves, and our kids are wise enough to see through it. There is a HUGE difference between giving in and recognizing our own failing in having gone a bit overboard. Nothing wrong at all with admitting that openly. Cindy I completely agree. We don't really punish/reward. It sounds awfully inconvenient and time consuming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I might be in the minority, but I honestly feel that if I re-think a consequence and decide for myself that I went a little too far it is HEALTHY for me to share that with my kids and lay out a new plan. I completely agree. Whether this was too far or not, is debatable only by the parents actually there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I completely agree. We don't really punish/reward. It sounds awfully inconvenient and time consuming. Parenting in general IS inconvenient and time consuming.:tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I might be in the minority, but I honestly feel that if I re-think a consequence and decide for myself that I went a little too far it is HEALTHY for me to share that with my kids and lay out a new plan. Kids need to learn that we all sometimes react from a place of anger or thoughtlessness, and that it is wise to let go of the pride of "being right at all costs" and admit it. I also explain "I was right in stating that what you did was wrong, and you know it too, but I think maybe I was a little harsh with my first reaction. I apologize for that, and here is your new consequence..." and then I lay out what the new consequence will be. I am in the camp that says a child must see that adults make mistakes too, and have it modeled for them how we appropriately can apologize and correct our own behavior. Otherwise, we are unbending and unyielding ourselves. Frankly, if I have that little niggle that I went too far, I feel that God is speaking to me and I should listen to that rather than lack humility and say "But I am the mom and what I say goes." Last time I checked, I was not perfect. It's OK for my kids to know that, and I have garnered a great deal of respect from them for being willing to reveal my failings. I also see how they are willing to be forgiving themselves, and to be willing to say "Oh yea, I can see how I made a mistake there..." If we model "perceived perfection", I think we are fooling no one but ourselves, and our kids are wise enough to see through it. There is a HUGE difference between giving in and recognizing our own failing in having gone a bit overboard. Nothing wrong at all with admitting that openly. Cindy Great wisdom here Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justLisa Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 Parenting in general IS inconvenient and time consuming.:tongue_smilie: :lol: Yeah I feel like pouting about it sometimes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 Okay, so we did change our minds. I admitted to her that I didn't know the whole situation and should have let her dad handle it as I thought the misbehaviour happened at the festival and it actually happened in the car on the way home. She came out of her room with a completely different attitude and we said that she could earn it back with good behaviour and that she has to clean out dad's car as her consequence. I think that seems fairly reasonable. She inconvenienced Daddy by being rude and making it harder for him to do his job (get everyone home safely), so it seems very fair to me that she should then do something to benefit him. I have to admit that I see a huge difference between the occasional being difficult vs. an ongoing thing. If it's happening frequently, maybe there's some way to make the transition to going home easier on her, but maybe she's also just the kind of kid who really hates to be done with a fun activity and who will always push for more. I'd deal with that one differently then I would a kid who is usually compliant; for an ongoing thing, yes, I think it might be reasonable to have that child skip an outing. If this is a particular character issue, then I think the "boot camp" idea is reasonable, even if that means one adult has to miss the outing. That's parenting sometimes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 Parenting in general IS inconvenient and time consuming.:tongue_smilie: Oh, sure. NOW you tell me! ;) :D And Perogi, I think you did the right thing, and I hope you all had a great time at the festival! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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