S/O Male-Female friendships

[Trilliums]

A few recent threads have brought up questions about friendships between men and women, particularly, the possibility of them being inappropriate (unless one person is exceedingly unattractive, which just boggled mt mind).

 

Are friendships between married men and women just asking for trouble??

[Aelwydd]

I have a few casual male friends at work, including one who seems to consider me a really good "buddy." I like talking with him and the others, but I try to always maintain a certain emotional distance, because I am married, and he is married, and we're of an age, and we're both (I think) fairly attractive people.

 

I've suggested going out to eat together with our spouses and with other workers. It's not a friendship where I feel comfortable calling him, or hanging out alone with him, because the dynamic is all wrong (or too right, as it were). FTR, I am not attracted to him, and not interested in him in that way. But, I think it's wise to maintain a careful balance in such friendships.

 

Now, there are cases where folks grow up together, knowing each other, and are almost like family, and I think that may be different. It just really depends on the specifics of the people involved and the situation. For me, I try to keep our friendship firmly in the realm of "casual, professional."

[Katy]

Boy, I'm controversial today.

 

I didn't mean just physically unattractive. I meant emotionally, spiritually, anything that truly draws you to them, draws you to spend time with them, draws you to get something from them that you're not getting from your spouse. If you're turning to someone else for something you're not getting from your spouse that you need, and you're straight, and this is a male-female friendship that becomes emotionally intimate? Inappropriate.

 

I stand by the mantra from "When Harry Met Sally" that says men and women cannot truly be friends.

 

I don't mean hanging out in groups of couples. Or your gay friend. Or whatever. I've seen too many situations where women pretended to be "friends" but they were actually in love with the man, or vice versa. At some point the truth comes out.

 

And this may not mean never - my BIL was one of my closest friends before I set him up with my sister. But we were both mutually not attracted to each other. And I still wouldn't spend a lot of one on one time with him now that he's in the family. It wouldn't be appropriate.

Edited July 18, 2012 by Katy
to correct a typo. Also, there is a different between "friend" and "someone you're friendly to"

[lionfamily1999]

I like kilts :D

[BrookValley.]

Well, I started one of those recent threads, but I'll say: before the incident that caused me to start said recent thread, I didn't think that relationships between married men and women necessarily constituted trouble. My husband and I both have always had female and male friends. I never thought anything of it because we trust each other and I trust our friends. I am beginning to rethink that, obviously. :confused: Not the trust between me and my husband, but what might be going on in the minds of friends.

[Farrar]

Dh and I both have friends of the opposite gender. He has female friends through work and his various hobbies and from his youth. I have male friends through homeschool families, work and from my youth that I still keep up with. I don't think it's a big deal or asking for trouble. Seems quite normal to me.

 

I really believe that when marriages fail, it generally has more to do with the state of the relationship of the people in the marriage than with anyone outside the marriage.

[Trilliums]

Boy, I'm controversial today.

 

I didn't mean just physically unattractive. I meant emotionally, spiritually, anything that truly draws you to them, draws you to spend time with them, draws you to get something from them that you're not getting from your spouse. If you're turning to someone else for something you're not getting from your spouse, but you need, and you're straight, and this is a male-female friendship that becomes emotionally intimate? Inappropriate.

 

I stand by the mantra from "When Harry Met Sally" that says men and women cannot truly be friends.

 

I don't mean hanging out in groups of couples. Or your gay friend. Or whatever. I've seen too many situations where women pretended to be "friends" but they were actually in love with the man, or vice versa. At some point the truth comes out.

 

And this may not mean never - my BIL was one of my closest friends before I set him up with my sister. But we were both mutually not attracted to each other. And I still wouldn't spend a lot of one on one time with him now that he's in the family. It wouldn't be appropriate.

 

 

I apologize if I took it out of context. Didn't mean to pick on you! I can understand a reasoning behind it, but it seems unfortunate that we would need these stipulations.

 

If a person was that unattractive (regardless of gender) then I would imagine any kind if friendship would be limited.

 

My son's best friend is a girl. I have wondered as they move into older teen years how their friendship will progress. She tends to be jealous of his other friends--this has been openly discussed a few times.

[Trilliums]

Ok, there was a guy in a homeschool group I was in. Obviously I spoke to him and hung out with him during our meetings with the group. But I didn't call him up and say lets get together for coffee. I think there is a difference. That's not something I'd be comfortable with.

 

I was also thinking about hs dads. That's got to really make things hard for them. I guess that is why the few I know tend to band together.

[Trilliums]

I like kilts :D

 

This reminds me, I really need to clear my search history because I soent an inordinate amount if time looking for pictures of men in kilts with their sleeves rolled up.

:lol:

[happi duck]

This reminds me, I really need to clear my search history because I soent an inordinate amount if time looking for pictures of men in kilts with their sleeves rolled up.

:lol:

 

Ha!

[lionfamily1999]

This reminds me, I really need to clear my search history because I soent an inordinate amount if time looking for pictures of men in kilts with their sleeves rolled up.

:lol:

 

Just post the links here for safe keeping ;)

[Mom-ninja.]

 

Are friendships between married men and women just asking for trouble??

 

On the whole, yes. Are there exceptions, yes.

 

Dh and I talked about this. He made some things very clear to me that I wasn't aware of. I respect his input.

[higginszoo]

I've been married for almost 18 years and have friendships with several men. I'd say that 75% of them are also friends with dh (probably closer to him in most cases). Probably 35-40% of dh's friends are women. (I don't get out much since I'm home, being an engineer, this would probably be my percentage if I were in the workforce). I really don't have a problem with it. Even when he was having to travel constantly with a team of women. Gender is generally a non-issue in who we choose as friends.

[lovinmomma]

Sigh. I don't know how to respond to this thread. I have always had male friends. Even when I was married. I make friends with guys SO much easier but I also have multiple girlfriends that I am close to. I don't hang out with these guys outside of church or related activities. We may text every once in awhile, but it's usually short and to the point. I'm not married now, so this is really a whole different topic for me currently. When I was in junior high 3 of my best friends were guys and I had 2 girls that were also best friends. We talked on the phone and hung out regularly. In elementary from 2nd grade up to about 5th grade my best friend was a male (we still have contact) and we would even sleep next to each other at night, etc.

[Farrar]

Ok, there was a guy in a homeschool group I was in. Obviously I spoke to him and hung out with him during our meetings with the group. But I didn't call him up and say lets get together for coffee. I think there is a difference. That's not something I'd be comfortable with.

 

One of the families in our small co-op has the dad as the primary homeschool parent. I would feel sad if we didn't hang out with them just because of that.

[Bluegoat]

I don't have a problem with male/female friendships if people want them. Yes, people can become attracted to each other. Sometimes they might have an affair. People do always need to be sensitive to the various factors involved in their friendships.

 

I also think, if your spouse happens to be attracted to people of both sexes, he or she does not need to swear off all friendships.

[kwickimom]

A few recent threads have brought up questions about friendships between men and women, particularly, the possibility of them being inappropriate (unless one person is exceedingly unattractive, which just boggled mt mind).

 

Are friendships between married men and women just asking for trouble??

 

Yes they are IMO. Doing things alone or having a friend of the opposite sex that you confide things in that you dont talk to your husband/wife about is asking for trouble. You may think it is all innocent but who are you going to run to if something in your marriage does go bad? We have physical needs and if something is not right between you and your spouse (NO marriage is perfect- we ALL vent sometime to someone about our spouses) and you are confiding in a member of the opposite sex when you are low, things can get out of hand.

 

Its not an issue of trust...its an issue of being human and being vulnerable and having needs and falling into a trap.

[justamouse]

I have a best friend that is a male and in no way shape or form have we *ever* thought of each other like that. We're both equally as devoted to out mates, we consider each other long lost brother and sister and we can communicate with each other extremely well. We're both very empathetic and easily understand what the other is trying to say.

 

I could never, ever, have a romantic relationship with him, I'd kill him.

[justamouse]

Hey that's special whether he is male or female. It's rare to have a special friend.

 

Well, we don't talk about girlie stuff, but he's a dear. :D

[lovinmomma]

 

I could never, ever, have a romantic relationship with him, I'd kill him.

 

That's how I feel about my best guy friends! :lol:

[justamouse]

That's how I feel about my best guy friends! :lol:

 

I think that's the ticket, their foibles aren't endearing, they're infuriating. :D Now, my Dh can be a jerk all day long and I'll still tell him how cute he is and kiss his widdle nose.

[lovinmomma]

I think that's the ticket, their foibles aren't endearing, they're infuriating. :D Now, my Dh can be a jerk all day long and I'll still tell him how cute he is and kiss his widdle nose.

 

LOL I tell my best guy friend all of the time....I love you as a friend, but I would hate you as a boyfriend. ;) He's just not my type at ALL. And he's kinda a jerk to people he dates. He's sweet as pie to me, though. Well, for the most part.

[Momma2Luke]

Is it asking for trouble for married men and women to have friendships with one another?

 

Yep. In all of my years, I have never been a witness to a "friendship" between a married man and a married woman that was purely platonic. Ever.

 

And by friendship - I don't mean casual get togethers with large groups of people where you may chit chat for a few moments together. I am referring to friendships where you seek another's company out for exclusive get-togethers...

[Trilliums]

Yes they are IMO. Doing things alone or having a friend of the opposite sex that you confide things in that you dont talk to your husband/wife about is asking for trouble. You may think it is all innocent but who are you going to run to if something in your marriage does go bad? We have physical needs and if something is not right between you and your spouse (NO marriage is perfect- we ALL vent sometime to someone about our spouses) and you are confiding in a member of the opposite sex when you are low, things can get out of hand.

 

Its not an issue of trust...its an issue of being human and being vulnerable and having needs and falling into a trap.

 

I tend to think doing this with someone of same gender is a sign of problems too. Not confiding in your spouse seems to be a sign of problems, not the cause of problems. Although I can see how it might all spiral out of control.

[DianeW88]

Well, my dh is good friends with two of my ex-boyfriends...and they go golfing together quite frequently, does that count? :lol:

 

We're both great friends with another ex of mine and we get together as families often. I've gone out to lunch with him and my dd a few times, too. Her university is in the town where he lives, so we'll go out and eat or get yogurt when I go visit her. My dh goes out to lunch with him alone when he's down there, too. :D

 

My ex and I have known each other for well over 30 years, and while we were serious at one time, we are NOT now. The odd thing is, he knew my dh before I did. He even set him up with his sister once. I met my dh independently of my ex, but it was pretty funny we ran into him and he realized who I was dating. "But I know him!" LOL

[happi duck]

Well that's an other thing. I don't call people friends until I know them well for a long period of time.

 

Is it asking for trouble for married men and women to have friendships with one another?

 

Yep. In all of my years, I have never been a witness to a "friendship" between a married man and a married woman that was purely platonic. Ever.

 

And by friendship - I don't mean casual get togethers with large groups of people where you may chit chat for a few moments together. I am referring to friendships where you seek another's company out for exclusive get-togethers...

 

:iagree: and perhaps people have different definitions of friendship.

 

Some people call every acquaintance a friend and some reserve the term 'friend' for those that they connect with on a deeper level.

 

It's this 'deeper level' that is asking for trouble, imho.

[justamouse]

Well, 17 years into this relationship with my guy friend and there's no trouble. There's not even a hint of it.

 

So I guess I'll just be the outlier.

[justamouse]

I think that's pretty cool. Except for family members, I haven't known anyone for 17 years. Ok..I think this year I have officially known my husband for 17 years. I met him five years before we married and this August we have been married for 12.

 

We were all a part of a pack when we were young adults. Wait, I'm older now and I met them when I was 17 so 24 years. :D They were the first couple I brought my Dh to. :001_smile: We all went to the Bronx Zoo on a double date.

[Katy]

Is it asking for trouble for married men and women to have friendships with one another?

 

Yep. In all of my years, I have never been a witness to a "friendship" between a married man and a married woman that was purely platonic. Ever.

 

And by friendship - I don't mean casual get togethers with large groups of people where you may chit chat for a few moments together. I am referring to friendships where you seek another's company out for exclusive get-togethers...

:iagree:

[higginszoo]

Ok, now, not talking about opposite gender friends who you spend time with would be a problem for me. Dh is very open about his friendships with men and women, and more often than not tells me who he went to lunch with, what they talked about, etc., whether it was in a group or one on one.

[The Girls' Mom]

For us, it is not okay. We have couple friends and we have same sex friends. We do not spend time with people of the opposite sex (one on one) unless they are related. In my opinion, it is just asking for trouble, whether from the rumor mill, or from wandering thoughts.

[higginszoo]

One of the families in our small co-op has the dad as the primary homeschool parent. I would feel sad if we didn't hang out with them just because of that.

 

When we lived in Colorado, this was a HUGE problem for us ... we couldn't plug in anywhere in the homeschool community because I was working FT and dh was a SAHD. He and the dc were really treated like pariahs, and had we stayed in that situation, we likely would have just ended up putting the dc in school because it really got old for him to show up and everyone else to leave or at least huddle on the other side of the room.

 

One of my homeschooling friends now is a dad of 5 ... we and our dc all train at the same karate academy. We also belong to the same church denomination. His dw works with a male friend of mine (15 years younger than me -- and I'm not the cougar type). Dh knows this guy, but their paths don't usually cross -- just different training schedules at the academy.

Edited July 18, 2012 by higginszoo

[KrissiK]

I stand by the mantra from "When Harry Met Sally" that says men and women cannot truly be friends.

 

 

 

:iagree: For me personally, I do not have male friends. Acquaintances, cordial relationships, yes. But friends.... no. For me, it just wouldn't be right and, ok, I know it's just a movie, but in "When Harry Met Sally", they were just friends until a crisis hit and then... you know what happened. I personally believe that everyone is capable of just about anything and that no marriage, no matter how strong, is affair proof. Things happen. People have moments of weakness. And I want to stay as far away from that as possible.

[Trez]

IMO it depends on how close the friendship gets. If it gets to a point where you are confiding problems/secrets with regard to your marriage, I think this can become a big problem.

[TranquilMind]

Dh and I both have friends of the opposite gender. He has female friends through work and his various hobbies and from his youth. I have male friends through homeschool families, work and from my youth that I still keep up with. I don't think it's a big deal or asking for trouble. Seems quite normal to me.

 

 

 

I don't think this is what anyone is talking about though. We all have those casual friendships. I spend hours talking to contractors sometimes when they are doing work for me and I'm on site as well.

 

But we don't call each other and hang out separately from our spouses. I don't call them up to hang out with me or go have coffee. That just wouldn't be wise or appropriate.

[Hwin]

I had two male friends. One of them became our mutual friend. The other, my husband asked me to stop having contact. I thought it was a little bossy of him, but my "friend" called me names when I explained the situation and it was clear that he had feelings for me. Felt a little too much like a breakup! A year later, I received an apologetic email. The other man is still a facebook friend but lives thousands of miles away.

 

So...I'd say that m/f friendships should be okayed by spouses.

[Tap]

I don't have a problem with it. I have male friends.....DH has female.

[k2bdeutmeyer]

One of my very best friends (of 16yr) is a male. But, he lives 1,100 miles away and truly is more like a protective brother than anything. He's a fantastic friend.....but that's all.

[Kathryn]

First, I'm defining friendship as spending time one-on-one, sharing details of your life kind of relationship, not just someone you talk to at group fuctions. I used to think M/F friendships were fine. That's all I had. I just don't get into all the girly junk and so female friendships don't work well for me. But, every single guy friend I have had ended up either confessing feelings for me or making a pass. I've come to accept what my husband always told me, they just don't work out. Perhaps others can make them work, but it sure didn't work for me.

[mumto2]

Considering the fact that I am married to the guy I considered my best male friend all through school I do think that a balance is hard to maintain. There was reason for my boyfriends to dislike his presence in my life. It was a huge relief to decide to date each other! We kept being mistaken for a couple so we decided to be one.

[KungFuPanda]

I think it would be really sad to eliminate half the population as unworthy of your friendship based on gender alone. It's overkill; like never getting into a car because people sometimes wreck them. I think fear can cause you to miss out on a lot of good things in life. Of course, I also believe that an affair is a symptom of a troubled marriage.

 

If I couldn't handle platonic friendships with men I wouldn't have had friends in the military! You can't count on another woman always being around. Yes, I DID meet my husband there, but that relationship was completely different from any of my friendships. My friends didn't take my breath away and my husband wasn't 'just a friend' that became more over time.

 

I say if you feel a spark, then you distance yourself from that person. Otherwise, friends are one of the best parts of life. I can't speak for folks who maintain dispassionate marriages. I just know that in MY life the intimacy of marriage and the bond of close friendship feels NOTHING alike.

[Hilltop]

When my sister's best friend suddenly found herself going through a divorce that no one saw coming (her husband was cheating on her), she and her husband helped the friend with things around the house, babysitting, mowing her lawn, etc. My sister had absolutely no reservations when her husband would go over without her to mow her friend's lawn. Within 3 months they were having an affair. My sister had been married almost 10 years and was pregnant with their 2nd child. It was awful. My sister's ex-husband and ex best friend are now married. I still can't wrap my mind around it 3 years later.

[sparrow]

I just commented on the other thread that I don't hang out with men without my husband. I'm not sure why men have been confused by my friendship with them, but there has been enough confusion that it is not worth the risk.

 

There was an interesting story on NPR last month about this issue. Apparently two studies just came out that showed men, in male/female friendships, were more likely to see the woman as more than a friend. You can read the transcript for the NPR story here:

 

http://www.wbur.org/npr/155197529/can-men-and-women-be-friends

[kalanamak]

I've been a bit of a tom boy all my life, I grew up with a pack of brothers, and I've often worked with just men. I know how to deal with lonely hearts (and I'm too old for that now :lol:), I can practice self-control, and really, most men were not interesting to me in "that way" AT ALL. I'm so used to being one of the boys I recall once working on a cleaning/painting crew getting a large restaurant ready to open. It was hot and we were all slaving away when a "chicky-boo" showed up, with make up and nails and everything else. I had wavy strawberry blonde hair, wore a size 8 at the time with a very nice set of young bOOks, and never was at a loss for men, but the men working with me started muttering and complaining: "I can't get any work with a WOman around." I'd been accepted as one of the guys.

 

And luckily, I've had men friends all my life. I can't recall one jealous wife. I just must not send off "chicky-boo" vibes. :) Nor have I ever had a married man act stupid about me. Completely single nerds, yes, but never a married guy.

 

So, I claim it is very possible for men and women to be friends.