s/o Does talking it out work?

[Plucky]

I was thinking about the other thread and the need people have for talking things out. This has nothing to do with her thread, but a thought I had.

 

I used to think that people should talk things out whenever there was a disagreement or issue, but I found that talking things out doesn't always work. I do talk things out with my kids and dh if it is really important to me - a hill to die on, otherwise I tend to just let things go and move on.

 

What do you think? Do you think talking things out is important or would you rather just put it behind you and move on?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Depends on whether I can hide my need to talk things out to begin with! What I mean is that most of the time I hide my irritation and the person doesn't even know that I'm ticked off at them. I know that 9 times out of 10 these are minor irritation things that I'll get over. But that 10th time, things will bubble to the surface and that person will KNOW. At that point I will often talk to them. My good friends will simply ask, or state, "You're mad aren't you." and I'll simply reply "Yes." Usually we don't have to rehash why - they know what just went on. But occasionally someone will ask why and I'll tell them as best as I can why. Not often though. We usually solve it by apologies and moving on.

[swellmomma]

I don't need to talk things out as in have a 2 sided discussion, but I do have a need to vocalize why/what things are upsetting me whether irl or online, things need to get out for me to move on.

 

ETA: can someone point me in the direction of the thread that led to this one?

[OrganicAnn]

I think listening to the other person is important if you want to understand them and their point of view. If you really don't care about the other person, then talking or listening isn't that important.

 

If think parents definitely need to listen to their kids and understand what they are trying to say to them. Otherwise very important things can get missed or glossed over.

 

Talking it out doesn't mean you'll get everyone to agree. Family or no family, people don't always agree.

 

So I'm kinda of a mixed bag of feelings regarding the issue.

[Plucky]

I think listening to the other person is important if you want to understand them and their point of view. If you really don't care about the other person, then talking or listening isn't that important.

 

If think parents definitely need to listen to their kids and understand what they are trying to say to them. Otherwise very important things can get missed or glossed over.

 

Talking it out doesn't mean you'll get everyone to agree. Family or no family, people don't always agree.

 

So I'm kinda of a mixed bag of feelings regarding the issue.

 

I'm thinking more of a blow up issue. I talk to my kids a lot and force them to talk to me. They moan and groan, but usually end up enjoying our talks by the time they are through.

 

I'm thinking about when I was younger and thought talking things out with my mil or mother was a good idea -oy. That didn't work at all. Boundaries, grace, and agreeing to disagree worked better and a lot of times with friends I've found it works better. But then my dh says I hate confrontation, but it's not that. I just like peace and harmony.

[Plucky]

I don't need to talk things out as in have a 2 sided discussion, but I do have a need to vocalize why/what things are upsetting me whether irl or online, things need to get out for me to move on.

 

ETA: can someone point me in the direction of the thread that led to this one?

 

Oh, you mean to verbalize or vent? I feel that way sometimes, too. Where do you go to do that? I sometimes want to do that, but realize I don't want to stress my dh or make my friends or family feel negatively about the person I'm mad at even though I feel negative at the time.

[Plucky]

Depends on whether I can hide my need to talk things out to begin with! What I mean is that most of the time I hide my irritation and the person doesn't even know that I'm ticked off at them. I know that 9 times out of 10 these are minor irritation things that I'll get over. But that 10th time, things will bubble to the surface and that person will KNOW. At that point I will often talk to them. My good friends will simply ask, or state, "You're mad aren't you." and I'll simply reply "Yes." Usually we don't have to rehash why - they know what just went on. But occasionally someone will ask why and I'll tell them as best as I can why. Not often though. We usually solve it by apologies and moving on.

 

Yes, the straw that broke the camels back. I admit that does happen to me. Or I just distance myself from the person because it's easier.

[swellmomma]

Oh, you mean to verbalize or vent? I feel that way sometimes, too. Where do you go to do that? I sometimes want to do that, but realize I don't want to stress my dh or make my friends or family feel negatively about the person I'm mad at even though I feel negative at the time.

 

If I am speaking to the person that ticked me off I simply verbalize it. I tell them what made me mad or whatever but leave it at that. For example when I decided to severely limit any contact I had with my sister, I laid it all out why but it was not up for discussion. I just felt it was important for her to know exactly why she would have limited contact with me and the kids kwim.

 

Otherwise yes venting for sure. I tend to come here for that so that I can get it off my chest without always burdening my extended family, or innappopriately around the kids etc.

[Impish]

Depends. If the person/relationship is important to me, and I believe that whatever the issue is can be addressed, fixed and move on, then yes.

 

However, I've learned, finally, that some ppl simply will NEVER take responsibilty for their actions, and will always find someone else to blame. Attempting to reason, explain, backfires.

 

I've learned that it's best to walk away in silence. There's just no point in the drama of explaining, and knowing that they will refuse to actually do anything to heal the relationship and make it healthy (cause it's NEVER their fault) is an excercise in futility.

[Mommyfaithe]

Sometimes, as one of my favorite MA Ingalls quote says," Least said, least damage done.". Wise woman.

[Plucky]

Depends. If the person/relationship is important to me, and I believe that whatever the issue is can be addressed, fixed and move on, then yes.

 

However, I've learned, finally, that some ppl simply will NEVER take responsibilty for their actions, and will always find someone else to blame. Attempting to reason, explain, backfires.

 

I've learned that it's best to walk away in silence. There's just no point in the drama of explaining, and knowing that they will refuse to actually do anything to heal the relationship and make it healthy (cause it's NEVER their fault) is an excercise in futility.

 

Yep, that is true. Sometimes things can be talked out. I have been estranged from both my mom and mil at different times in my life. We've been able to heal our relationship with boundaries and just letting things slide. I know not everyone can do that or should and there are plenty of people I have let drift away from my life. I just can't be bothered with the drama.

[happyhomemaker]

I couldn't answer the post because it really depends on the situation. I try to let things go most of the time. If it's something that I can't forget, keep going over in my mind, keep holding against that person, etc. then I need to confront that person and hash it out ala Matthew 18. I confront even if I think it won't do any good because 1) I believe that is what the Bible says to do, 2) I cannot discount the work of the Holy Spirit in the lives of others and cannot say with certainty that the confrontation won't "work", 3) I can say at the end that I did everything I could and can walk away from the relationship if necessary with a clear conscience before God.

 

I know we all bring baggage to the table, especially when answering a question like this. Here's an overview of mine. In my extended family and dh's, I have seen a lot of damage done by a few people sweeping things under the rug (unbeknownst to others) and then exploding 10+ years later when no one else knew that person had been upset. I've also experienced the relative who refuses to hash things out. It's lead to a complete break in the family. Talking in both of those scenarios might not have fixed things, but at least each party could say they tried to have a real relationship with the other.

[BigMamaBird]

No, it isn't always essential. Sometimes there are just things that you aren't going to "get your way" about and talking isn't going to help. However, within the family relationship or with friends, it's important to have good communication and understanding, so discussing issues is important there.

 

For instance, my kids aren't allowed to go to the river alone. I could just set down the law and leave it at that. But I think it's important to talk with them about WHY Mommy doesn't allow them to go to the river alone. Once they know the why, it won't become this forbidden thing that Mom doesn't let them do because she wants to suck the fun out of their life. They'll understand that it's unsafe and HOPEFULLY control their own behavior simply because they understand that. Now, if they disobeyed and went there alone, there would be no "talking it out." There would be swift and severe punishment. Epic. Biblical. Punishment.

[VeritasMama]

I think it depends on the situation and the personalities involved. I have a sister who feels the need to talk everything out, ad naseum. To her, it would always be essential. I have another sister who never wants to talk about anything, she is very much a forget about it and move on type. She never wants to discuss anything. I am somewhere in the middle. If I feel really wronged by someone, I will bring it up. But I realize that I may not get the response I want. You can't demand apologies, you can only bring up your feelings and hope that you get one.

[Soror]

It really depends if it is a close friendship or close family and it was something personal. If someone has treated me poorly or acts like I've treated them poorly then I need to talk about it, even if it is just a simple- I don't know why I did that. Acquaintances and such I don't expect or ask for any such thing and distance myself. If something has gone on that was upsetting to both of us I cannot pretend it never happened. I will distance myself. I want honesty in friendship and I cannot have a close relationship with someone who will get mad or upset at me but not tell me why. I don't like walking on eggshells. I had a friend who would just get mad and stop talking to me at all then weeks, months or year+ later want to reconnect and act like nothing happened. I do not operate like that and won't open myself up to be hurt by someone again in that way.

[laundrycrisis]

IMO it usually isn't essential, and it's very often best to accept the situation without fighting it. I decide what I need to to do but don't look for any way to influence the other person to change. I find this to be really liberating.

[Kathryn]

No, not always necessary, for a number of reasons. Sometimes you know it won't do any good because of the other person's personality. Sometimes what went wrong may have nothing to do with the other person and it's none of their business. Sometimes, you just want to put things behind you and not dwell on them. If I was told by someone that they'd no longer be my friend if I didn't talk about it with them after I said I'd rather not discuss it, that would be a friendship I'd be comfortable dropping.

[angela in ohio]

I didn't see the other thread, so I may be off the topic, but...

 

Some people thrive on drama, and talking things out fully makes them happy. So giving them that attention encourages their ill behavior. I find the same people won't come to a resolution anyway, so you can't usually successfully talk it out, becasue they make no movement toward the center. I have had to make it a point to drop things and refuse to drag them out to a conclusion - with both adult women and one of my children.

[Firefly]

Talk it out and move on. You may come to a resolution or not, but at least both sides get a chance to say their piece. I don't like letting things fester-- IME it just makes matters worse and winds up exploding.

[laundrycrisis]

Talk it out and move on. You may come to a resolution or not, but at least both sides get a chance to say their piece. I don't like letting things fester-- IME it just makes matters worse and winds up exploding.

 

When I decide not to talk about it, which is most of the time, I make a conscious decision to accept the situation as is and let it go. ITA letting something fester as a continuing "problem" in the mind is a bad way to go. It's like the saying, "Trust It or Adjust It," when I choose to let something be the way it is and just accept it, festering is not allowed. If it's going to fester, then I do need to address it.

[Soror]

When I decide not to talk about it, which is most of the time, I make a conscious decision to accept the situation as is and let it go. ITA letting something fester as a continuing "problem" in the mind is a bad way to go. It's like the saying, "Trust It or Adjust It," when I choose to let something be the way it is and just accept it, festering is not allowed. If it's going to fester, then I do need to address it.

 

That works great when it happens but my experience is often people don't want to talk about it but then the relationship changes because they are mad or sad or whatever else, which they just hold onto. If someone says something is fine or what have you that is great, but if they do so but still hold onto it, then that doesn't work either. Often people think they let it go but don't really act in accordance with that. I cannot stand the drama anymore of ignoring things, acting like they didn't occur but then having said person continue acting hurt and mad. I cannot have a close relationship with someone who might get mad or sad for some unknown reason and leave me hanging trying to mindread and figure out what I've done or not done. Then it is continuous stress because you are always walking on eggshells trying not to unknowingly upset them or keep them appeased when they are already not very friendly. No big deal for acquaintances but very big deal if it is a close friend and suddenly they won't talk at all and pretend nothing happened.

 

I've had times it has worked to just let it go on both sides but I'm been on the other side too many times when someone says something is dropped but it constantly hangs over the relationship.

[KidsHappen]

I always ask myself if it will matter tomorrow, next week, in a month, next year? If not I work out myself. If the answer is yes, then I know we need to talk it out.

[Firefly]

When I decide not to talk about it, which is most of the time, I make a conscious decision to accept the situation as is and let it go. ITA letting something fester as a continuing "problem" in the mind is a bad way to go. It's like the saying, "Trust It or Adjust It," when I choose to let something be the way it is and just accept it, festering is not allowed. If it's going to fester, then I do need to address it.

 

That's a fair point and yes, if someone truly was going to let it drop then that's fine. I don't think it's always essential to talk it out (so I didn't answer the poll). Unfortunately that hasn't been my experience. I detest when people say, "oh everything's FINE" when it obviously isn't, and I'm left wondering what the heck I did or did not do. Seems passive aggressive.

 

I wonder if this is a gender thing-- women not wanting confrontation or risking looking like a b!tch. In general guys seem to call each other out when an issue comes up and then move on; I personally prefer that way of operating. I hadn't realized until this thread that I'm in the minority there. Probably why I don't have many women friends IRL. :D

[laundrycrisis]

I wonder if this is a gender thing-- women not wanting confrontation or risking looking like a b!tch. In general guys seem to call each other out when an issue comes up and then move on; I personally prefer that way of operating. I hadn't realized until this thread that I'm in the minority there. Probably why I don't have many women friends IRL. :D

 

I am actually more like a guy and I am extremely confrontational when I have a real problem with something and feel strongly that it must be addressed. But in personal relationships, I've reached the point of feeling is is rarely worth the energy expended to try to influence someone else to change. Most of the time they will not. Instead of trying to influence people to change, or going around mad about stuff that is out of my control, I let it go (no festering) and if I need to readjust my own boundaries/time/etc to deal with that particular bit of reality, I do that instead. I'm not avoiding confrontation, but I am choosing something that feels more energy-efficient and personally effective to me. I do not have any issues with confrontation when it's needed to set a necessary boundary. I feel more comfortable setting a boundary than asking for a change in someone else (or their kid).

 

Also, I have seen the other side of it too much - friends who have frequent grievances and want to bring up issues that they think need to be "addressed". They want something to change. Every once in a while there is something that is information that I truly appreciate knowing so I can decide how to deal with it - but a lot of the time it just feels exhausting and annoying and like the other person wants to micromanage their social situations. Nobody is perfect, and neither are anyone's children. I prefer to accept people with their faults and decide the times and situations I can deal with, but I don't feel it's my place to ask others to change for me.

[Geo]

The most oft missing ingredient is humility, which is necessary to honestly discuss, truly hear, and respond accordingly. I have experienced it's healing power, but it isn't easy...or common. You can't force it to happen in anyone else. I do practice apologies (with no mention of their part), to minimize the damage I may have unwittingly caused. :001_unsure:

[jewellsmommy]

Talking it out is essential between dh and I. Talking problems out is often helpful with dd (used 50% of the time). Talking it out is almost always a bad idea with ds.

 

It is in my nature to want to come to an understanding, to understand where the other person is coming from, what is their motivation or thought behind their actions. And I want them to understand me and my logic. This is a very bad thing with ds and his ODD (and other assorted diagnosis). The therapist have re-programmed me in my dealings with him. I do explain the needs for things but it is just different with him.

 

I can tell dd that her actions hurt my feelings and she will grow and check herself, change etc. But for ds that would be a "win" for him and just reinforce the bad behavior. It is hard for me to accept this, but I have played it out enough times to know it is true. Dealing with him has to be how I would deal with a toddler (at this point in his life).

With the children, I am referring to issues that are not direct obedience/behavior problems. Often, it is attitude, body language, or decisions that they make.

 

As far as others in my life, I try if the relationship is truly worth it to me. If the other person is willing to talk it out with me, great.

Edited June 27, 2012 by jewellsmommy

[jewellsmommy]

I always ask myself if it will matter tomorrow, next week, in a month, next year? If not I work out myself. If the answer is yes, then I know we need to talk it out.

 

 

Yes, I approach things this way. I choose to overlook singular events that can be written off as a bad moment.

[Firefly]

Also, I have seen the other side of it too much - friends who have frequent grievances and want to bring up issues that they think need to be "addressed". They want something to change. Every once in a while there is something that is information that I truly appreciate knowing so I can decide how to deal with it - but a lot of the time it just feels exhausting and annoying and like the other person wants to micromanage their social situations. Nobody is perfect, and neither are anyone's children. I prefer to accept people with their faults and decide the times and situations I can deal with, but I don't feel it's my place to ask others to change for me.

 

I dislike that kind of behavior as well (frequent grievances/micromanaging social situations)... that is drama and I have no patience for it. But if someone is upset with me for something, I'd rather they just say it (and vice versa). It's a form of control to keep someone guessing about why you're mad at them. If someone truly is over it; great-- no need to talk about it. But again, this has not been my experience. (And just FTR, this has happened only twice in my adult life; it's not something that happens regularly to me, though I have seen plenty of it among different groups).

 

Anyway trying to change someone is not my motivation (I don't believe I implied that); clearing the air, so we both know where we stand and to set straight any misconceptions, is the goal. Then we can decide to move on or move off. Plain and simple. No festering. No drama.

[gardenmom5]

no obligatory "other". talking it out is a good thing, BUT, it also requires two-way communication and BOTH parties committed to reaching an understanding.

 

iow: some people are incapable of reaching an understanding and you'll go crazy trying. (don't try and teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time and annoys the pig). also, understanding and agreement are two entirely different things.

Edited June 27, 2012 by gardenmom5

[Ghee]

In general guys seem to call each other out when an issue comes up and then move on; I personally prefer that way of operating. I hadn't realized until this thread that I'm in the minority there. Probably why I don't have many women friends IRL. :D

 

 

I must be in the minority, too. When an issue comes up, I want to tackle it head on and resolve it one way or another so we can move on without it lurking around. Even if it doesn't work out "in my favor", at least I know where everyone stands.

 

To the OP, I think, in your situation, I would want to know what the heck happened. This is a close friend, presumably someone you spend time with regularly, do you really want to wonder if you are doing "it" ...whatever it is? If you knew WHY she got upset, or even had a vague idea, then I could see letting it go, but I would not want to walk on eggshells forever in fear of doing whatever that hacks her off so badly.

[Guest]

No, I infrequently think things need to be talked out. I go along to get along and I appreciate people who do the same unless the problem is serious and will not blow over. Even in that case, some people are not good at resolving an issue, so it is a waste of turmoil to try and address it.