MIL for cheap or even free -- make an offer!

[gardenmom5]

Wolf mentioned something about that at one point. I simply gave him The Look, the wall behind him burst into flame, and it hasn't been mentioned since.

 

As I pointed out to him on another occasion (the idea of her living near by) *I* am the one home ft. It would be ME that has to deal w/her, not him. He'd be safely at work.

 

Totally understand MIL issues. :grouphug:

 

when dh and I were first married, his "dear" m (NOT as bad as my bpd grandmother, just nuts) lived with us for nearly a year. there was rejoicing in gilda when she left. I swear I looked over my shoulder for two weeks expecting her to walk in the door saying "oops, forgot something". even when I *knew* she was 900 miles away, I was that paranoid.

 

It has been drilled home to dh that NO amount of money would induce me to allow her to live with us again. at 87, she hasn't slowed down enough.

now, she's living with youngest sil who thinks the rest of the family are big meanies for thinking her living on another planet is too close. :lol::lol::lol:

[Impish]

I understand the whole 'dog w/a bone' mentality.

 

Honestly, it wasn't until I set consistent boundaries that it got any better.

 

A prime example would be MIL demanding info on my specialist appt recently. She tried to get it out of Wolf, no joy. Then started badgering me.

 

I flat out told her, "I'm under the care of one of the best specialists in the country. I'm receiving appropritate medical care." and when she STILL pushed, I told her, "I'm not discussing this any further."

 

It's taken a while to get to this point, and included hanging up when she started her hissy fits, but she will back down w/me now.

[jujsky]

I don't know if this would help or just make it worse - I understand it isn't really concern with reality, just appearances - but I would give her all the information I could find. Print up the scope and sequence from your local school district - give her a copy to TWTM to compare. Find something that explains a classical education with the idea that it is an "elite" education intended for the upper class. Focus on the fact that your children are being given the same education type as the nobility in the past. Even if you're only loosely classical, it's the idea that counts. Bury her with info (it doesn't have to be your info - just info).

 

I'm super, super blessed that MIL does think hsing is good. But we have our other challenges.:glare:

 

I might try that. I've done that to her before on other issues, and it's worked. She's so weird! One minute she seems to think homeschooling is great, the next moment she's against it.

[gardenmom5]

Oh, and please don't label all Canadians by the Quebec natives you see down there.

 

Quebec'ers are kinda...special. Distinct society and all that.

 

I know many canadian irl, most are quite nice.

dd has a quebequois in a french class. I had to listen many times to "they don't speak french!" :mad: the guy drove her nuts. (kind of like how swiss don't speak *real* german. all I will say is, of my three german teachers, the one who spoke schwietzerduetsch was awful and would tell me what I had previously learned was wrong. uh, no.)

[jujsky]

She sounds a lot like my MIL. Two positives is that she doesn't speak English (and I don't speak German) and she lives in another country. So basically I don't have to talk to her almost ever. For awhile DH would tell me what she said about HSing and other things. I finally told him I didn't want to hear about it. I said I'd be supportive if he needs to vent, but beyond that I really don't want to hear about it. So he rarely tells me anything.

 

I've asked Alex if we can send her back, but he won't let me. I do think last night he was close as something about a one-way ticket came up.

[jujsky]

when dh and I were first married, his "dear" m (NOT as bad as my bpd grandmother, just nuts) lived with us for nearly a year. there was rejoicing in gilda when she left. I swear I looked over my shoulder for two weeks expecting her to walk in the door saying "oops, forgot something". even when I *knew* she was 900 miles away, I was that paranoid.

 

It has been drilled home to dh that NO amount of money would induce me to allow her to live with us again. at 87, she hasn't slowed down enough.

now, she's living with youngest sil who thinks the rest of the family are big meanies for thinking her living on another planet is too close. :lol::lol::lol:

 

That must have been very difficult so early in your marriage. If his mom lived with us the first year of marriage, we'd be divorced right now.

[kalanamak]

DH's family experienced similar things in St. Petersburg. There were rallies about how the economy had gone down the tubes because of the Jews. The tone was similar to pre-WWII Germany. Scarey!

 

When my exMIL (a Sikh) used to get on my nerves (she called me "The White Wh*r#", e.g.) I used to soothe myself by thinking: well I didn't grow up seeing the bodies of Muslims piled 5 high on my father's gas station (circa 1947 and 48).

[jujsky]

Honestly, I wouldn't do that. In the beginning I was doing that with my MIL and it didn't do anything. Her reasoning for why my kids should be in school wasn't even entirely academic. I can't replicate a school no matter what I do (not that I'm even trying to) and that's all she focused on. She grew up in a situation where she met people in school that she still talks to 60 something years later. She sees school as important for that sort of reason (beyond academics). What she does not realize is that it's rare to know anyone from school once one leaves. I have no contact with anyone from school. I went to 2 schools. All the kids I had as friends moved away at some point while in school. Her viewpoint is just so far different than mine nothing I would say, do, or show her would make her understand.

 

I know...that all turned rather rambly. But just saying I suspect she may have already made up her mind.

 

Oh, she flip-flops on the whole homeschooling thing. I think it depends on what other people tell her on any given day. It won't make a difference, but reading a ton of information will eat up some of her time, which means she won't call here 3 or 4 times/day. That's no exaggeration. She literally calls here 3 or 4 times/day. That's why I have caller ID.

[jujsky]

When my exMIL (a Sikh) used to get on my nerves (she called me "The White Wh*r#", e.g.) I used to soothe myself by thinking: well I didn't grow up seeing the bodies of Muslims piled 5 high on my father's gas station (circa 1947 and 48).

 

Ouch! Mine doesn't call names -- just says lots of nasty things about me and tells DH not to repeat them (which of course he does). As far as I know, she doesn't do that anymore. I called her out on it years ago. Her defense was that Dh shouldn't have repeated those things to me -- no apology for saying that I was low-class and uncultured from an ebil blue-collar background. I come from a long line of MILL WORKERS *gasp* the HORROR. Working at that mill during my summer breaks got me through college and they treated me like gold. I loved that place and the people. I do try to take her background and life experience into consideration, but sometimes it's hard when I meet her Russian friends who went through similar things and are much nicer people.

[mommaduck]

In Lanc Co. we just call tourists "tourists", but with that tone of voice that implies eyerolling. "oh, wow! Look! An AMISH person!" "Wow, it's Amishmade" which means either someone found a towel sewn to fabric to hang from the stove or they think it's better made (snort) or they think it was all done without machinery or electricity (double snicker snort). Nothing like having tourists park in front of your house to take a dozen photos of your neighbours' houses and underwear (happened when we lived in the county, outside of the city). Those photographers should have come at night when the neighbour kid was driving by with runner lights and booming rap music ;)

[jujsky]

All that calling would make me crazy.

 

My MIL just called and I HAD to answer the phone because DH had to wash his hands and asked me to. We have the most awkward conversations. She speaks to me in German. I answer her in English. I understand most of what she says. She understands a little of what I say. But it's weird and awkward and I hate talking to her. LOL

 

That's what it's like when DH's grandmother calls! She tries so hard to talk to me and make me understand, but there are no hand gestures over the phone so it's much harder. It's so uncomfortable. Sweet, but uncomfortable. I always hand the phone of to DH as soon as I can.

[jujsky]

In Lanc Co. we just call tourists "tourists", but with that tone of voice that implies eyerolling. "oh, wow! Look! An AMISH person!" "Wow, it's Amishmade" which means either someone found a towel sewn to fabric to hang from the stove or they think it's better made (snort) or they think it was all done without machinery or electricity (double snicker snort). Nothing like having tourists park in front of your house to take a dozen photos of your neighbours' houses and underwear (happened when we lived in the county, outside of the city). Those photographers should have come at night when the neighbour kid was driving by with runner lights and booming rap music ;)

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: Is PA underwear that different from underwear in other parts of the country?

[kalanamak]

He doesn't let her walk all over him or anything, but she usually won't let a subject drop until he gets angry and yells at her. At that point she acts all shocked, hurt, and surprised and truly doesn't seem to understand why her horrible son would raise his voice and be so rude to her when she was just expressing concern. That's the way it generally goes :tongue_smilie:.

 

Oh, yes. I am often amazed at the body and soul of energy expended over things. My friend is much more cheerful and reasonable, but I can hear his wife on the other end going wild. Horrible as it sounds, he got some peace recently because the cat died. His wife and teenager spend days in their rooms crying, and thus he watched TV in peace.

 

One thing I noticed about my ex-ILs: they were playing the role of the caring parent. In their culture, huge amounts of drama denoted you loved your child.

 

Once upon a time I sent my husband's cousin a Panjabi suit to give to his new girlfriend, who was white, and whom the family didn't know about. I used a used box that my ILs had sent to their son (recycled). Little did I know the cousin's parents would 1) pick up the package from his porch, which was 30 miles from where they lived, 2)see the previous address scratched out and jump to the conclusion, after opening the package and finding out their adult son had a white girlfriend, that my husband's parents were in on the secret, 3) call my ILs and ream them, and that my IL would then call my house crying and screaming such that I thought hubby's SIL had lost her baby (I was trying to imagine what could be so awful, and they wouldn't tell me.)

 

I found that if I could somehow affirm that they were terribly wonderful parents who cared for and loved their son, as well as stand up for myself, things got better. (Of course, sticking through rehab and cancer with my ex might have softened their opinion of me as well. ;))

 

So, consider "bragging" on your husband a bit more. :)

[Impish]

That must have been very difficult so early in your marriage. If his mom lived with us the first year of marriage, we'd be divorced right now.

Wolf and I both agree on that. I pointed out that not only would we end up divorced, but HE would end up w/custody of her. I thought he was going to throw up and pass out.

Oh, she flip-flops on the whole homeschooling thing. I think it depends on what other people tell her on any given day. It won't make a difference, but reading a ton of information will eat up some of her time, which means she won't call here 3 or 4 times/day. That's no exaggeration. She literally calls here 3 or 4 times/day. That's why I have caller ID.

MIL used to do that too. And call every few mins for over an hr, stop for 15-20, and start over again, her vms getting more and hysterical. I've since gotten through to her that we will NOT answer the phone during school hrs...so now she calls at *exactly* 3pm. To the minute.

 

I still don't answer ;) About once a mth I'll talk to her, as a favour to Wolf, but that's about it.

[jujsky]

Oh, yes. I am often amazed at the body and soul of energy expended over things. My friend is much more cheerful and reasonable, but I can hear his wife on the other end going wild. Horrible as it sounds, he got some peace recently because the cat died. His wife and teenager spend days in their rooms crying, and thus he watched TV in peace.

 

One thing I noticed about my ex-ILs: they were playing the role of the caring parent. In their culture, huge amounts of drama denoted you loved your child.

 

Once upon a time I sent my husband's cousin a Panjabi suit to give to his new girlfriend, who was white, and whom the family didn't know about. I used a used box that my ILs had sent to their son (recycled). Little did I know the cousin's parents would 1) pick up the package from his porch, which was 30 miles from where they lived, 2)see the previous address scratched out and jump to the conclusion, after opening the package and finding out their adult son had a white girlfriend, that my husband's parents were in on the secret, 3) call my ILs and ream them, and that my IL would then call my house crying and screaming such that I thought hubby's SIL had lost her baby (I was trying to imagine what could be so awful, and they wouldn't tell me.)

 

I found that if I could somehow affirm that they were terribly wonderful parents who cared for and loved their son, as well as stand up for myself, things got better. (Of course, sticking through rehab and cancer with my ex might have softened their opinion of me as well. ;))

 

So, consider "bragging" on your husband a bit more. :)

Wow! Just....wow! That is so incredibly invasive.

 

I brag on DH all the time. He's not good enough in his mom's eyes. He is a software engineer. He should be in management, striving to be president of vice president of his company. He went back to school when we were first married to get his Master's degree. He got it in engineering but it should have been an MBA, according to MIL, so she wasn't happy with him. She is rarely proud of anything he does, no matter how wonderful, because she has this future in her head mapped out for him that he hasn't followed. He remembers a conversation with her back in Russia when he was about 15. She asked what he wanted out of life and he said he wanted to work in a job he enjoyed, find a woman he loved, get married, start a family, and live a happy life. She got angry and told him that he had foolish goals. He should want to be successful and have a lot of money. She claims they never had this conversation, but something like that sticks with you. DH remember it clearly. He's not making the choices his mom would like him to make, so she's unhappy with him.

[KungFuPanda]

I stand corrected.

Edited June 25, 2012 by KungFuPanda

[jujsky]

 

I still don't answer ;) About once a mth I'll talk to her, as a favour to Wolf, but that's about it.

 

I only answer if DH asks me to (and then it's with sighs and eye-rolling), I mess up and answer by mistake, or I'm feeling particularly kind. I usually regret feeling particularly kind. She hung up on me the other day. She called while I was driving the kids to a playdate and DS answered (I'm an awful driver so I refuse to talk on the phone while driving). He told her where we were going and that I was driving. I was hoping she'd be done talking before I arrived, but she wasn't. DS handed me the phone and I said with as much cheer as I could muster, "Hi Elena. Can I call you back later? We just got to our playdate."

 

She barked, "Call me back in 5 minutes. I need to know what you need."

 

I'm like :001_huh:? I was not going to call her in 5 minutes. I had just arrived at my friend's house. I was going to go in, talk to her, and let the kids play. I asked, "What do you mean? What would I need?"

 

"Food. Alex is coming down tomorrow. I need to know what you need for food."

 

"Oh, thanks. I think we're all set." Now wouldn't THAT be a normal end point of a conversation. Oh, no!

 

"What do you mean you don't need anything? You don't need tomatoes? You don't need cucumbers? You don't need meat?" she listed a few more things and said it in a very confrontational tone, which set me off.

 

I got a little pissy at that point and said, "I don't know what I need Elena. I'm not home. I'm not in front of my refrigerator. I can't look in there and tell you what I have for food."

 

She responded, "Okay, okay, okay!" Click.

 

Conversations like this are far too frequent, even when I do my best to avoid talking to her on the phone.

[freerange]

:001_huh::grouphug:

[Impish]

Wow! Just....wow! That is so incredibly invasive.

 

I brag on DH all the time. He's not good enough in his mom's eyes. He is a software engineer. He should be in management, striving to be president of vice president of his company. He went back to school when we were first married to get his Master's degree. He got it in engineering but it should have been an MBA, according to MIL, so she wasn't happy with him. She is rarely proud of anything he does, no matter how wonderful, because she has this future in her head mapped out for him that he hasn't followed. He remembers a conversation with her back in Russia when he was about 15. She asked what he wanted out of life and he said he wanted to work in a job he enjoyed, find a woman he loved, get married, start a family, and live a happy life. She got angry and told him that he had foolish goals. He should want to be successful and have a lot of money. She claims they never had this conversation, but something like that sticks with you. DH remember it clearly. He's not making the choices his mom would like him to make, so she's unhappy with him.

Oh, I soooooooo know this!

 

Shortly after Wolf and I were married, she told him that she's a failure as a mother b/c he's not a pastor in her church :001_huh::glare: (He refused to be baptised in her religion as a kid, doesn't attend her church, won't have anything to do w/it at all, but somehow is supposed to be a pastor)

 

He said, "Mom, I have a great wife, fantastic kids, a good job, isn't that enough?"

 

Her: "No!"

 

So, we know that nothing is ever good enough.

 

She gives subtle put downs of him when I talk to her, and I've made it a point to call her on it and correct her. She starts bragging ME up, and I throw the brakes on, and turn it around, talking about how excellent a dh and daddy Wolf is, only to get, "Yes, I guess so" from her. :glare:

[jujsky]

Gently . . .oh so gently . . .It seems to me there is enough strong opinions, prejudice, and name calling to go around in your family.

 

Really not sure what you mean:confused::confused::confused: Although tone doesn't always come across well, all the state stuff was a joke, meant to be light. I was playing off stereotypes, but meant no real harm in it. I even poked fun at the views other people have of Mainers, so I'm making fun of myself too. Heck, I can't even dispute the inbreeding jokes NH people have about Maine people since my grandparents are second cousins and part of my family tree is a freaky, straight, strange branch ;) Some people joke as a coping mechanism. I'm one of those people. If I didn't joke, I'd explode and be angry all the time. That's just not fun. I like to have fun.

Edited June 24, 2012 by jujsky

[jujsky]

Oh, I soooooooo know this!

 

Shortly after Wolf and I were married, she told him that she's a failure as a mother b/c he's not a pastor in her church :001_huh::glare: (He refused to be baptised in her religion as a kid, doesn't attend her church, won't have anything to do w/it at all, but somehow is supposed to be a pastor)

 

He said, "Mom, I have a great wife, fantastic kids, a good job, isn't that enough?"

 

Her: "No!"

 

So, we know that nothing is ever good enough.

 

She gives subtle put downs of him when I talk to her, and I've made it a point to call her on it and correct her. She starts bragging ME up, and I throw the brakes on, and turn it around, talking about how excellent a dh and daddy Wolf is, only to get, "Yes, I guess so" from her. :glare:

 

That sounds very much like my friend's mom. She would talk to my friend's wife and build her up while putting her own son down. She had this strange "girls against boys" mentality, almost like if she could get the wife on her side, they could gang up on her son and change him. That went over about as well as it did in your house by the sounds of it. The problem she encountered was that the wife saw how wonderful her husband was and saw no reason to change the man she fell in love with.

[TammyS]

"shoobie" season has started here. Shoobies are tourists that come to the Jersey shore. They forget how to drive while on vacation and they cross the streets just where ever they feel like it. It is a major pain driving here in the summer. We don't even go to see the fireworks on the Boardwalk on the 4th because it is wall to wall people and it can take an hour or more to get home (we normally live only 5 min. from the Boardwalk) and getting into and out of our town on any Sat in the summer is a nightmare (sat. is when the weekly people arrive ).

 

This is only directed at shoobies. People that move here , no matter where they are from , are treated just fine (at least in my experience and observation).

 

LOL!! I live on the eastern shore of MD, half hour from the ocean and beaches. We get the Baltimorons. :auto: Worse, even, than the ones who come for vacation are the ones who move here, then proceed to complain about the smell of chicken houses and the noise of farm vehicles. :banghead:

[TammyS]

Is there any way to stop showing her your curriculum, test results, and other educational materials without causing a war? I know it would be easier said than done to pass the bean dip, but having access to those items gives her ammunition and reinforces her view that she has a say in your kids' education.

 

:iagree:And I would go one step further and flatly revoke the idea that she gets an opinion about jack-squat having to do with me or my kids. I would encourage the husband to also grow a pair and not let her rant at him...but if he wants to, he is not allowed to come home and talk about. She needs to be laid down some really hard, brick topped with barbed wire fencing, boundaries. She'll probably get mad for a while and not talk to you for a while. :party: But I'm meaner than most.

[jujsky]

LOL!! I live on the eastern shore of MD, half hour from the ocean and beaches. We get the Baltimorons. :auto: Worse, even, than the ones who come for vacation are the ones who move here, then proceed to complain about the smell of chicken houses and the noise of farm vehicles. :banghead:

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: We'd get something similar from people who moved to or visited Maine and complained about the sulfur smell of the mills. Sorry, folks -- it's not all ocean here! If you lived in a mill town, you didn't even smell it. I'd imagine it's the same with the chicken houses if you live near them your whole life.

[TammyS]

she usually won't let a subject drop until he gets angry and yells at her. At that point she acts all shocked, hurt, and surprised and truly doesn't seem to understand why her horrible son would raise his voice and be so rude to her when she was just expressing concern. That's the way it generally goes :tongue_smilie:.

 

I have a Russian MIL. I sympathize. This is something you can help your dh with, though. Teach him, role play if you have to, an agreed-upon way of handling what you KNOW is coming when you see her. Maybe something like:

 

Mom, we aren't discussing that with you. If you don't drop it, then we are leaving for today.

 

THEN LEAVE when she doesn't drop it. Don't get mad. Don't yell. Don't give in to pleas of "I'm sorry, I'll drop it." Just leave. She can try again another to respect your boundaries. Just say, "We love you. See you next week." And then go.

[chiguirre]

When my exMIL (a Sikh) used to get on my nerves (she called me "The White Wh*r#", e.g.) I used to soothe myself by thinking: well I didn't grow up seeing the bodies of Muslims piled 5 high on my father's gas station (circa 1947 and 48).

 

This is seriously good advice. I wish I'd had the sense to do this with my dad when I was younger, we'd have gotten along a lot better when I was a teenager and young adult if I'd have cut him some slack for his pessimism. He came by it honestly. I think my dh does a better job getting along with him because he takes all of my dad's craptastic past into account more than I do.

[jujsky]

:iagree:And I would go one step further and flatly revoke the idea that she gets an opinion about jack-squat having to do with me or my kids. I would encourage the husband to also grow a pair and not let her rant at him...but if he wants to, he is not allowed to come home and talk about. She needs to be laid down some really hard, brick topped with barbed wire fencing, boundaries. She'll probably get mad for a while and not talk to you for a while. :party: But I'm meaner than most.

 

Nah, if I don't let DH talk about it, he won't have anyone to talk to, and when he bottles things up he's moody and difficult to live with. He has come a LONG way with her from when we were first living together and then married. She used to call every night to ask him what we were having for dinner and then make rude comments about whatever I was serving. He put a stop to that. When she gets on him about his parenting (it's a frequent issue that comes up) he usually loses it on her and yells to the point where she's all bewildered and almost in tears. She and FIL would also occasionally call DH down to their house for "meetings" without me. This generally followed some sort of carefully thought-out decision we made as a couple(to get married, to buy a new car, to get a dog, to buy a house, to adopt -- whatever). They would then do their best to talk their adult child out of making whatever decision we had carefully agreed upon, and they would tell him not to tell me what they discussed at those meetings. I called them out about that and they were shocked their precious child had gone against their wishes and actually put his wife and marriage first. Yeah, shocker for them -- their baby doesn't keep things from his wife. They were trying to combat the evil influence I had over him because according to them, I was making all these decisions and he felt like he had to agree with me. Just because that was their relationship with their son didn't mean it was my relationship with their son. If they knew all the times before he met me that he yessed them to their faces and then went ahead and did what he wanted they'd be horrified at his disobedience and disrespect! After I called them out, they tried a few more times to call him down to have these talks and he refused to discuss any decisions we mutually made without my being there. Although now that I think about it, MIL is doing the same thing only she's smart enough not to call him down for the sole purpose of talking about our decisions, and she's not telling him not to tell me. More open, but I'm still not involved. Yeah, maybe we do need to cement some stronger boundaries in place. We had some, but the more she's behaved, the more we've relaxed them over the last 7 or 8 years.

[Parrothead]

 

I wonder if other states have ingrained views about their neighboring states?

The only other place I've lived that rivals the ME/MA dislike is the GA/AL one. Armed rednecks makes that one dangerous.

[jujsky]

I have a Russian MIL. I sympathize. This is something you can help your dh with, though. Teach him, role play if you have to, an agreed-upon way of handling what you KNOW is coming when you see her. Maybe something like:

 

Mom, we aren't discussing that with you. If you don't drop it, then we are leaving for today.

 

THEN LEAVE when she doesn't drop it. Don't get mad. Don't yell. Don't give in to pleas of "I'm sorry, I'll drop it." Just leave. She can try again another to respect your boundaries. Just say, "We love you. See you next week." And then go.

 

Yeah, maybe that's what we need to do. He's almost walked out a couple times, but given in with the, "Okay, okay. I'll drop it." Maybe a couple times of totally walking away would help.

[Parrothead]

Oh, and please don't label all Canadians by the Quebec natives you see down there.

 

Quebec'ers are kinda...special. Distinct society and all that.

Yeah, special is exactly how I'd describe some of them.

[Parrothead]

She always asks, and she's relentless. If I try to change the subject (this is with anything -- not just school) she'll keep hammering me with questions, and will bring the subject back to whatever she wants to know if I change it. She's like a dog with a bone. I don't mind showing her their test scores because I feel they're pretty meaningless, and they do a decent job on them. I've shown her a couple things with our curriculum in the past, but she's never shown a real interest in it until now. As I said, I don't know what she hopes to see. She has no basis for comparison. She wasn't a teacher back in Russia. She doesn't know what schools teach in her area or my area. We follow a different sequence with history, as I've explained to her. She's also not the type who needs ammunition. If anything, the things I show her should give her less ammunition. The test scores "prove" my kids are doing well. The curriculum I use is superior to that used in PS (in my opinion anyway -- history and art most certainly are superior). If she doesn't have ammunition, she will come up with some reason out of her head why they would be better off in school or better off living in MA. It often comes down to "better people" and "better opportunities" and "more cultural experiences" which are all very subjective terms. She is all about outward appearances, so true facts matter very little.

What happens if you just tell her "no" repeatedly. I can't imagine having a MIL like yours but I would think if a person is told no often enough they would get the hint.

[jujsky]

The only other place I've lived that rivals the ME/MA dislike is the GA/AL one. Armed rednecks makes that one dangerous.

 

When my dad lived in AL, he told me about that. He moved there when the mill jobs in Maine dried up. He worked in both KY and AL, and said that everyone there is very welcoming to outsiders. They all invite you to church and church functions.

[Parrothead]

I have a Russian MIL. I sympathize. This is something you can help your dh with, though. Teach him, role play if you have to, an agreed-upon way of handling what you KNOW is coming when you see her. Maybe something like:

 

Mom, we aren't discussing that with you. If you don't drop it, then we are leaving for today.

 

THEN LEAVE when she doesn't drop it. Don't get mad. Don't yell. Don't give in to pleas of "I'm sorry, I'll drop it." Just leave. She can try again another to respect your boundaries. Just say, "We love you. See you next week." And then go.

:iagree:

 

Do you let anyone else hammer at you that way? Just because she is your MIL doesn't mean you have to roll over and take it. Life is too short to put up with all the BS.

[jujsky]

What happens if you just tell her "no" repeatedly. I can't imagine having a MIL like yours but I would think if a person is told no often enough they would get the hint.

 

When we do that, she asks us why constantly. When my kids were 2 and 3 and in their "why" phase, they were easier to handle than she is. She doesn't give up. She's totally relentless. It's hard to describe or imagine unless you've experienced it. People who haven't seen her in action think I'm making it up. It's almost impossible to get her to stop unless you're blatantly rude or harsh, and then she acts shocked and upset that someone would treat her that way. Her bewilderment is totally genuine too. She really doesn't understand that we're reacting to her being obnoxious and pushy -- she thinks we're being mean, and in her mind it's coming out of the blue.

[jujsky]

:iagree:

 

Do you let anyone else hammer at you that way? Just because she is your MIL doesn't mean you have to roll over and take it. Life is too short to put up with all the BS.

 

No one else is rude enough to hammer at me like that. I was raised to be polite, so that's my first instinct. She either gives up, DH or I snap, or FIL manages to redirect the conversation somehow. He's the only one who is able to redirect her. If it were just me, I'd cut her right out of our lives, but DH loves her for all her faults and wants a relationship with her, and to her credit she is a much better grandmother than mother.

 

Edited to add: It also will take us by surprise. We'll be having a perfectly nice conversation with her and she'll slowly start in with a question. Then there will be another question. Then another. Before we realize it's happening, we're in full-blown interrogation mode. It's difficult to describe, but we're often so deep in it by the time we realize we're in it with her that it can be difficult to end it.

Edited June 24, 2012 by jujsky

[kalanamak]

It also will take us by surprise. We'll be having a perfectly nice conversation with her and she'll slowly start in with a question. Then there will be another question. Then another. Before we realize it's happening, we're in full-blown interrogation mode. It's difficult to describe, but we're often so deep in it by the time we realize we're in it with her that it can be difficult to end it.

 

I call this The Velvet Trap. Luckily my ex IL just came out swinging. My current IL, however, are more Velvety. If they are being nice, I know they want money or want to rip hubby off, but I had to learn it the hard way.

[Impish]

That sounds very much like my friend's mom. She would talk to my friend's wife and build her up while putting her own son down. She had this strange "girls against boys" mentality, almost like if she could get the wife on her side, they could gang up on her son and change him. That went over about as well as it did in your house by the sounds of it. The problem she encountered was that the wife saw how wonderful her husband was and saw no reason to change the man she fell in love with.

Yes! MIL def has the gender preference going. She's tried MANY times to get me on her side, and 'make' Wolf do something.

 

I've told her flat out that I'm on my dh's side, always. There's never going to be a time that I side w/her. Period.

 

She keeps trying now and then, and I remind her. If she keeps going, I tell her, "I've already answered you. Gotta go, bye."

[Mommyfaithe]

:grouphug:

 

Tell her the kids' quality of life would be better if she sacrificed and bought you a nice, big house with a large yard and stables for horses. Oh, and she can foot the bill for tennis, gymnastics, ballet, etc. Don't forget the uniforms, school fees, and all the club fees. She's going to buy them the latest technology and toys, too, right? And when they hit sixteen, only the most luxurious cars will do ;) :D

 

Just remembered: you need a housekeeper and groundskeeper to help keep up with HOA standards. She can't possibly expect you to do all that yourself and still be the BEST mother you could be for your kids, can she?

 

yeah, MIL's stink, ime. Step MIL's can be cool though :)

:iagree::iagree: she can put her money where her mouth is. If she doesn't have it...she can't provide it...she can't complain about. Buy earplugs....smile and nod, and go about your business.

[amey311]

I call this The Velvet Trap. Luckily my ex IL just came out swinging. My current IL, however, are more Velvety. If they are being nice, I know they want money or want to rip hubby off, but I had to learn it the hard way.

 

I was thinking of that frog in a pot of water analogy. Yours is definitely a nicer way to put it.

[happi duck]

...If he wanted to go to clown college and ride around in a tiny car with 12 other clowns, we'd let him try it. We might look at him funny and ask him if that's really something he wanted to do, but we'd let him try it. We don't care what he does as long as he does something that brings him joy...

 

I love this! :D

=====

What a stressful situation...I would need to be medicated.

 

Hang in there!!!

[Tammyla]

:grouphug: Wowie. If you haven't read BOUNDARIES, by Cloud and Townsend...get yourself a copy or check out a library copy.

 

Nah, if I don't let DH talk about it, he won't have anyone to talk to, and when he bottles things up he's moody and difficult to live with. He has come a LONG way with her from when we were first living together and then married. She used to call every night to ask him what we were having for dinner and then make rude comments about whatever I was serving. He put a stop to that. When she gets on him about his parenting (it's a frequent issue that comes up) he usually loses it on her and yells to the point where she's all bewildered and almost in tears. She and FIL would also occasionally call DH down to their house for "meetings" without me. This generally followed some sort of carefully thought-out decision we made as a couple(to get married, to buy a new car, to get a dog, to buy a house, to adopt -- whatever). They would then do their best to talk their adult child out of making whatever decision we had carefully agreed upon, and they would tell him not to tell me what they discussed at those meetings. I called them out about that and they were shocked their precious child had gone against their wishes and actually put his wife and marriage first. Yeah, shocker for them -- their baby doesn't keep things from his wife. They were trying to combat the evil influence I had over him because according to them, I was making all these decisions and he felt like he had to agree with me. Just because that was their relationship with their son didn't mean it was my relationship with their son. If they knew all the times before he met me that he yessed them to their faces and then went ahead and did what he wanted they'd be horrified at his disobedience and disrespect! After I called them out, they tried a few more times to call him down to have these talks and he refused to discuss any decisions we mutually made without my being there. Although now that I think about it, MIL is doing the same thing only she's smart enough not to call him down for the sole purpose of talking about our decisions, and she's not telling him not to tell me. More open, but I'm still not involved. Yeah, maybe we do need to cement some stronger boundaries in place. We had some, but the more she's behaved, the more we've relaxed them over the last 7 or 8 years.

[QueenCat]

Well... if I take yours for free, you have to take mine.

[LibraryLover]

Your MIL sounds impossible, even if well-intentioned. I know a few Russian families, and there does seem to be a competitive cultural aspect (and almost understandable), even if your MIL is 'off the curve'. It's sad when families are not what we wish them to be. I'm sorry it's so hard.

 

Did I read that she is from Brookline? Brookline is wonderful, and very diverse. Some of the most down -to-earth people I know and love are from Brookline. It can be 'posh', yes, but many parts are quite lovely and real. Some people live in mansions or fancy condos, but many more live in modest apartments. Lots of artsy and kind people live in Brooklne. Although it's true the high school is fantastic, and culturally and ethnically diverse. It's one of the best, so that is an argument you would lose with your MIL (although it wouldn't make me stop hsing. We want to hs, no matter). WHat BH high offers rivals most prep schools. The kids are very hard-working. There is only one high school in Brookline, so the diversity is incredible. The staff is beyond dedicated. It's quite unlike most high schools. Also, Brookline Ballet is run by a wonderful woman who is very caring and sweet. (Past artistic director of BB, but has not brought that intensity with her.) They don't even do many productions. It's quite low key for a pre propfessional ballet school.

 

Now...if you are talking about Weston, I would run. There is very little diversity (how about none?) in Weston. But Brookline? As my youngest dd once said,

"Brookline is just a smaller version of Brooklyn."

 

We are MA folks who live by the ocean. Summer here is heaven. We stay put--except for the times we dropped our older kids off at camp in ME . That didn't last too long as the drive is maddening! :) (btw, I never heard that about MA people in ME. I live under a rock, it's true. lol) Driving to ME is one of my worst nightmares! There are so many tollbooths! It's the worst state for that. It takes hours to drive 5 miles. I've often wondered why ME doesn't just charge one lump fee to get over the border? Why so many tolls? The traffic is brought on by the state trying to create revenue. It would be possible for them to move toursits through quickly if they got the toll stops under control. I've worried about whether people living along those roads can even breathe in summer. I've also often wondered about the cancer rate for those folks.

Edited June 24, 2012 by LibraryLover

[jujsky]

Awwww....LibraryLover, you're nice MA folks who stay out of ME :D My hubby was clogging up your roads today because he went to the Cape to fish.

 

MIL lives in Acton. I don't know much about the school districts in MA, except for the ones closest to us (Lowell, Chelmsford, Pepperell, Tyngsboro) but she says Acton is the highest ranked or one of the highest ranked schools in the state. She keeps telling me because they own a townhouse in Acton, we can send our kids to school there. She argues with me when I tell her that's illegal unless the kids are living with her. There is no winning with her -- just various degrees of losing. I'm not saying that the people in Acton are necessarily all wealthy (there are lots of townhomes there, and those people are probably comfortable, but not wealthy) but she acts like it's a very rich, hoity-toity area to live in. I'm sure most of the people there are very nice and very down to earth, and it probably is an excellent school district, but we're not moving to MA. She can't seem to accept that. Despite what she thinks, there are a couple of excellent school districts in NH neighboring our city. All of our friends are here. All of the kids activities are here. Our vet, our doctors, my son's OT -- our life is here. We've been in our city for 13 years and in our house for 12. We have roots here now, and moving 40 minutes away would mean starting all over. New friends. New activities. New everything. More ILs. Further away from my mom in ME. Further away from my brother and SIL who only live 5 minutes away. No thank you! Living in MA would possibly make DH's commute to work easier, but it would make every other aspect of our life more difficult.

Edited June 24, 2012 by jujsky

[jujsky]

Well... if I take yours for free, you have to take mine.

 

That might be a possibility.....

[jujsky]

:grouphug: Wowie. If you haven't read BOUNDARIES, by Cloud and Townsend...get yourself a copy or check out a library copy.

 

 

No, but I've read Toxic In-Laws. Maybe I should get a copy of the book you suggested. She's a piece of work. She knocks down boundaries.

[LibraryLover]

By the way, I rewrote my post, so if you don't mind, would you requote me? lol

 

I have never really thought of Acton as posh. She does seem a pill. Although as you said, she cares, as she does pay for extras. I can imagine that she would like children nearby to brag about. I hope I am not going to be that bad. lol

 

I will check the ratings of the schools so you have ammunition, or at least some knowledge so you can smile and nod. Boston Mag publishes the highest performing schools every year. When we in MA think of excellent schools, we think Weston, Dover-Sherborn, Newton,Lexington, Boston Latin, Brookline, Sharon, for the most part. MA has some genuinely good high schools, but also some very poor ones.

 

It doesn't bother me if people want to travel to the Cape, as most folks need the tourist money as much as the ME folks do. I try to avoid the Cape in summer, as the Bourne Bridge is another summer nightmare.

 

 

Awwww....you're nice MA folks who stay out of ME :D My hubby was clogging up your roads today because he went to the Cape to fish.

 

MIL lives in Acton. I don't know much about the school districts in MA, except for the ones closest to us (Lowell, Chelmsford, Pepperell, Tyngsboro) but she says Acton is the highest ranked or one of the highest ranked schools in the state. She keeps telling me because they own a townhouse in Acton, we can send our kids to school there. She argues with me when I tell her that's illegal unless the kids are living with her. There is no winning with her -- just various degrees of losing. I'm not saying that the people in Acton are necessarily all wealthy (there are lots of townhomes there, and those people are probably comfortable, but not wealthy) but she acts like it's a very rich, hoity-toity area to live in. I'm sure most of the people there are very nice and very down to earth, and it probably is an excellent school district, but we're not moving to MA. She can't seem to accept that. Despite what she thinks, there are a couple of excellent school districts in NH neighboring our city. All of our friends are here. All of the kids activities are here. Our vet, our doctors, my son's OT -- our life is here. We've been in our city for 13 years and in our house for 12. We have roots here now, and moving 40 minutes away would mean starting all over. New friends. New activities. New everything. More ILs. Further away from my mom in ME. Further away from my brother and SIL who only live 5 minutes away. No thank you! Living in MA would possibly make DH's commute to work easier, but it would make every other aspect of our life more difficult.

Edited June 24, 2012 by LibraryLover

[jujsky]

I have to tell you that I have never thought of Acton as posh, and Lowell is a pretty struggling city. She does seem a pill. Although as you said, she cares, as she does pay for extras. I can imagine that she would like children nearby to brag about. I hope I am not going to be that bad. lol

 

I will check the ratings of the schools so you have ammunition, or at least some knowledge so you can smile and nod. Boston Mag publishes the highest performing schools every year. When we in MA think of excellent schools, we think Weston, Dover-Sherborn, Newton,Lexington, Boston Latin, Brookline, Sharon, for the most part. MA has some genuinely good high schools, but also some very poor ones.

.

 

I know Lowell is just awful. I think she even knows that. I've heard that Brookline, Newton, and Lexington (DH works for a company in Lexington) are really good schools. A friend of mine who lives in MA somewhere close to Acton says it is a very strong district. The thing is, even if we did move to a strong district, my plan is to homeschool the kids through jr. high.

 

She really does care about the kids and love them. She provides them with opportunities I couldn't provide them with. Last year she took my DD to Washington DC to see the Russian ballet and arranged a private back-stage tour for her because she's friends with someone important there (the set designer, I think). She's always taking them for little day-trips to museums, plays, concerts, the zoo. If we let it slip that we need or want something for them, they go out and buy it or insist on giving us the money. They are very generous in that way, and never lord it over us or make conditions like a lot of people do. I know many other Russian families and that level of generosity seems to be common when the parents/grandparents are in a position to provide it. I think it's because where they come from such a culture of want, when they are able to provide or share something, they do. They're definitely not all bad. MIL has a lot of love in her, but tries to control way too much.

[LibraryLover]

She does sound like a very strong personality. In so many ways that is good, but it's tough to be the dil! Btw, I did check, and Boxboro/Acton traditionally score decently. I don't know that area, but it is a 'good' district, although not the nearly the 'best'. (I say this so you can not worry when you MIL starts going on. lol)

 

Here's are recent list, although of course it's all so subjective. One ranks the test scores, and one ranks the classrooms (which I assume means teacher dedication).

 

www.bostonmagazine.com/best-schools-in-boston/index2.html

 

 

www.bostonmagazine.com/best-schools-in-boston/index.html

 

 

Did you see that the *average* SAT math score at Dover-Sherborn is 616? That is very impressive. Pull that out of your hat if you get brave with your MIL. (I don't live there. I do live in a decently-ranked district, but we are not that high.)

 

 

I know Lowell is just awful. I think she even knows that. I've heard that Brookline, Newton, and Lexington (DH works for a company in Lexington) are really good schools. A friend of mine who lives in MA somewhere close to Acton says it is a very strong district. The thing is, even if we did move to a strong district, my plan is to homeschool the kids through jr. high.

 

She really does care about the kids and love them. She provides them with opportunities I couldn't provide them with. Last year she took my DD to Washington DC to see the Russian ballet and arranged a private back-stage tour for her because she's friends with someone important there (the set designer, I think). She's always taking them for little day-trips to museums, plays, concerts, the zoo. If we let it slip that we need or want something for them, they go out and buy it or insist on giving us the money. They are very generous in that way, and never lord it over us or make conditions like a lot of people do. I know many other Russian families and that level of generosity seems to be common when the parents/grandparents are in a position to provide it. I think it's because where they come from such a culture of want, when they are able to provide or share something, they do. They're definitely not all bad. MIL has a lot of love in her, but tries to control way too much.

Edited June 25, 2012 by LibraryLover

[KungFuPanda]

Really not sure what you mean:confused::confused::confused: Although tone doesn't always come across well, all the state stuff was a joke, meant to be light. I was playing off stereotypes, but meant no real harm in it. I even poked fun at the views other people have of Mainers, so I'm making fun of myself too. Heck, I can't even dispute the inbreeding jokes NH people have about Maine people since my grandparents are second cousins and part of my family tree is a freaky, straight, strange branch ;) Some people joke as a coping mechanism. I'm one of those people. If I didn't joke, I'd explode and be angry all the time. That's just not fun. I like to have fun.

 

 

Oops. Sorry. I read it wrong. I kept the tone of your original posts in your later ones and missed the switch. I thought you were seriously offended by the stereotypes and weren't seeing that you sounded as hostile as your MIL. I'll go back and edit.