MIL for cheap or even free -- make an offer!

[jujsky]

This is a JAWM vent. I'm putting that out there for all of you blessed with wonderful MILs or those of you who had wonderful MILs who are now deceased. I don't want to hear how lucky I am she's alive or anything. Not that I wish she was dead, but I wouldn't object to her moving far, far away. If you remember my JAWM thread from 2 years ago around this time, she took my kids out without car seats after being told not to. If you remember my JAWM thread from a year ago around this time, she cut my son's hair when he spent the night even though she had been told not to in the past. She is a difficult woman. If she was your MIL, all of you with nice MILs out there, you'd despise the woman too. Trust me.

 

MIL asked me on the phone a couple days ago when I made the mistake of answering, one million questions about the kids' school. She wanted to know how I felt they did compared to other kids in PS and told me she wanted to see the curriculum we're using so she can compare it to curriculum used in PS. I said, "Ummmmm....yeah, if you want you can look at it when you come over." I don't know what she expects to see and what she expects to compare because she's not from this country, DH didn't arrive in this country until he was old enough for college, and she doesn't know exactly what they teach in any given school, so how would she compare? Even if she got curriculum from her very excellent PS in MA, it wouldn't be the same as the curriculum my very sub-standard, failing PS uses in my NH school district. You all know how it is -- like most of you, I'm not teaching the same things they teach in PS anyway. We do history in a 4 year-cycle, we aren't focused as heavily on writing at this point in their education as they are in PS, etc. There are differences. Apples to oranges. Anyway, gave her benefit of the doubt thinking she was just being a caring, interested grandmother, even though there is no way she can compare what we're doing to what the PS is doing.

 

DH was down there today to help MIL and FIL with something, and MIL started in on him when they sat down to eat lunch about how we should move to a better place and put the kids in school because she's worried about their education. She said I'm a natural teacher and great with the kids, but I'm not strong in math and not good at teaching it. True, I'm not, but there are many PS elementary teachers who are also not good at teaching math who are teaching it, and though DS is struggling in math (and probably would in PS too -- he has a learning disorder) my DD is 7 and working an entire year ahead in all of her subjects and is a whiz at math. I must be doing something right. She went on about how their standardized test scores were low because even though they said "above average," 80% in a subject is not what she considers "above average." When DH told me this, I explained that the percentiles just mean they did better than 80% of the people taking the test - it doesn't mean they scored 80%. In the section she was talking about, the child in question got 18 out of 20 correct, so a true grade would be 90% correct. Some of their percentile scores were 99% with perfect scores, so like I said, I must be doing something right. Scores ranged from "well above average" to "average" on sections of the test. There were no "below average" scores -- not even on DS's math. Last year he did have "below average" in math, so according to the standardized test, which in my opinion doesn't count for much anyway, he's improved.

 

She thinks we should move down to MA, enroll the kids in school, and do whatever we have to do to make it work. DH tried to explain that our quality of life would drastically decrease. We cannot afford to maintain our (not lavish) lifestyle and live in MA -- especially not that section of MA. We had our house appraised recently because we are thinking of moving. NOT down there! We hate our yard and don't want to live with a HOA. I told DH I can't live in MA because I'm originally from ME. There is a rivalry there -- at least on Maine's part. Anyway, the realtor said she would list it at $270,000, which is what we expected and what we feel it is worth. To get a fixer-upper (we've spent the last 10 years redoing everything in this house so we're done with fixer-uppers) of comparable size, but on a much smaller lot down there would cost at least $400,000, according to the houses we looked at out of curiosity on realtor.com. We live on the border of NH & MA. You cross that border and you can expect to pay $100,000 more for a home, even in a place without a strong school district. That's the way it is. Her response? We could buy a townhouse in their development for a littler more than our house would sell for. No thanks! I don't play well with others so condo living wouldn't be for me. I have enough problems adhering to the minimal stupid rules set by our HOA. She also said we should rent an apartment if we have to in order to make sure our kids get the best education. A wealthy district is no guarantee of the best education. Also, please point me in the direction of an apartment that will allow and accommodate 3 cats and 2 German Shepherds. I HATE apartment living! I know some people like it and for other people it's necessary, but I hated every moment of the 2 years we lived in apartments while working our butts off saving for our wedding and then saving for a house. Absolutely hated it! We couldn't take our pets with us if we lived in one. The kids would have no yard. We wouldn't have much space. It's not my cup of tea. Essentially she used the "you're being bad parents and being selfish if you're not sacrificing all the blood in your body and money in the bank to give your kids a better life" guilt-trip argument without coming out and saying it. Our kids have a happy life. They have a much happier life than they would if we enrolled them in school and in after and before school care so I could get a job to help us make ends meet, which is what would have to be done if we lived down there. We live in a neighborhood that is very family-oriented even though it's not super-posh and "blue collar" as MIL likes to put it. We have a decent-sized house -- far bigger than the house I grew up in. We have a yard. The kids have time with friends and they're in plenty of activities they enjoy.

 

Activities! She also feels the activities in MA are better than the activities in NH. The dance schools and gymnastics facilities are more rigorous and professional. This has come up before, and like it always does, DH explained to her that DS is NOT going to be a professional gymnast. He takes one class a week and that's all he wants to take. He lacks drive and motivation to do it seriously and be on a team and he was diagnosed with weak trunk muscles. DD is NOT going to be a professional dancer. She works hard and loves it, but doesn't have the natural talent required. Besides -- she wants to be a vet, and if she keeps up with academics the way she's going, that goal should be entirely achievable. She LOVES animals and has our dog listening better to her than he does to me. The activities they do are not future careers -- they're FUN. If it stops being fun, there is really no point in doing them anymore because it will just be a financial suck and a time suck on the whole family. Totally pointless. Her idea of a good place is one where they work the kids so hard they cry. She has told us about a ballet school in MA like that and had such a glowing, positive tone in her voice when she said it. DH told her that DS wants to try martial arts again and she turned up her nose and said, "I can't see that. He should do tennis instead, tennis is more intellectual." Did I mention MIL is a pretentious snob? Even she admits it, but is proud of it, just like she proudly admits she's a racist. My FIL (LOVE the man!) called her out and said, "Maybe he should play golf, because according to your logic, wouldn't golf be even more intellectual and white-collar than tennis?" Martial arts takes a lot of mental focus. She doesn't know what she's talking about at all. Besides, that's what DS wants to do. If he asked to try tennis or golf, we'd put him in tennis or golf. If he wanted to go to clown college and ride around in a tiny car with 12 other clowns, we'd let him try it. We might look at him funny and ask him if that's really something he wanted to do, but we'd let him try it. We don't care what he does as long as he does something that brings him joy.

 

GAH!!!!!!! The woman drives me nuts! She made DH feel like crap, then she came over to visit with the kids and frustrated him even more because apparently I was rude and didn't talk to her enough. I was curriculum planning when she was here. I was on my computer with a spreadsheet up and books strewn around me. I knew she was coming over a whopping hour before her visit, and she was there to see the kids, not me, so I didn't feel the need to drop everything I was in the middle of doing and have happy-social-fun-time with her. Happy-social-fun-time with her usually involves her endlessly questioning me about everything under the sun and pushing more and more when I obviously don't want to talk about a subject and I give her one-word answers to her questions until she finally gives up. I vacuumed the dog hair off the floor, threw the dishes in the dish washer, and made sure my kids brushed their teeth before she got here. She should be thankful I did that much on a Saturday.

 

It just sucks. DH worries as it is about being the sole-provider in our family. He doesn't need pressure from his mom feeding into his own worries and self-doubt.

 

Vent over. Back to your regularly scheduled programing.

Edited June 24, 2012 by jujsky

[kalanamak]

 

Vent over. Back to your regularly scheduled programing.

 

Ugh. You have never said what country, but the woman sounds A LOT like the Russian wife of a friend of mine. :grouphug:

[mommaduck]

:grouphug:

 

Tell her the kids' quality of life would be better if she sacrificed and bought you a nice, big house with a large yard and stables for horses. Oh, and she can foot the bill for tennis, gymnastics, ballet, etc. Don't forget the uniforms, school fees, and all the club fees. She's going to buy them the latest technology and toys, too, right? And when they hit sixteen, only the most luxurious cars will do ;) :D

 

Just remembered: you need a housekeeper and groundskeeper to help keep up with HOA standards. She can't possibly expect you to do all that yourself and still be the BEST mother you could be for your kids, can she?

 

yeah, MIL's stink, ime. Step MIL's can be cool though :)

Edited June 24, 2012 by mommaduck

[Random]

:grouphug:

 

Blech! I am taking notes on what not to do when/if I'm a MIL.

[jujsky]

Ugh. You have never said what country, but the woman sounds A LOT like the Russian wife of a friend of mine. :grouphug:

Russia. St. Petersburg :D

[Slartibartfast]

:grouphug:

[mommaduck]

Russia. St. Petersburg :D

So this may just be a cultural thing?

[jujsky]

:grouphug:

 

Tell her the kids' quality of life would be better if she sacrificed and bought you a nice, big house with a large yard and stables for horses. Oh, and she can foot the bill for tennis, gymnastics, ballet, etc. Don't forget the uniforms, school fees, and all the club fees. She's going to buy them the latest technology and toys, too, right? And when they hit sixteen, only the most luxurious cars will do ;) :D

 

Just remembered: you need a housekeeper and groundskeeper to help keep up with HOA standards. She can't possibly expect you to do all that yourself and still be the BEST mother you could be for your kids, can she?

 

yeah, MIL's stink, ime. Step MIL's can be cool though :)

 

To be fair, she and FIL do pay for the kids' activities and have offered to pay for a math tutor for DS. You're right though --she's missing the fact that even if we DO sacrifice everything to live in a posh area, that doesn't mean we're rich and it doesn't mean we can play "keeping up with the Joneses" for our kids. They are going to want what their classmates want -- horses, cars, designer clothing, expensive vacations. Like DH said, "She has to stop thinking she's rich because living down there, having rich friends, and being a snob doesn't make her rich." I LOVE my husband!

[kalanamak]

Russia. St. Petersburg :D

 

How did I know!! Because I've been listening to stories about her almost daily since March of 2005! (This one has a good side, too, however.)

 

As I'm sure you have already figured out: you can't win. She is an expert at this in a way you never will be.

[Kirch]

:grouphug: We need to take up a collection to send you lots of bean dip. And chocolate. Hmmm ... I wonder how you say "pass the bean dip" in Russian? :tongue_smilie:

 

Seriously though, you have very good cause for venting. My head would have exploded long before now!!

[mommaduck]

To be fair, she and FIL do pay for the kids' activities and have offered to pay for a math tutor for DS. You're right though --she's missing the fact that even if we DO sacrifice everything to live in a posh area, that doesn't mean we're rich and it doesn't mean we can play "keeping up with the Joneses" for our kids. They are going to want what their classmates want -- horses, cars, designer clothing, expensive vacations. Like DH said, "She has to stop thinking she's rich because living down there, having rich friends, and being a snob doesn't make her rich." I LOVE my husband!

It's nice that they do that. You and your dh are correct though; there is a positive/negative trade off and she's just not getting it. *sigh* and sometimes you just can't get a person to wrap their mind around what should be obvious.:grouphug:

[jujsky]

So this may just be a cultural thing?

 

Partially, but there are different levels of it. I know a lot of Russian women, and they do tend to be a bit pushier than Americans in general. MIL takes it to an extreme level even within her culture though. DH and I have talked about it at length. Part of it is she wants the best for her grandchildren. Part of it is she wants to brag about her grandchildren and I think it would be easier to do so if they were excelling in an excellent school district and attending the most prestigious ballet school and gymnastics place available.

[jujsky]

How did I know!! Because I've been listening to stories about her almost daily since March of 2005! (This one has a good side, too, however.)

 

As I'm sure you have already figured out: you can't win. She is an expert at this in a way you never will be.

 

She has a good side too, but man -- sometimes it's hard to see! She does love the kids and has their best interest at heart in her own way. I try to focus on that. And I know I can't win. I told DH that too. I said that even if we were living the lifestyle she thinks she wants us to live, she would still find fault with it. The kids' grades wouldn't be high enough. DD would want to drop ballet. Something would make her unhappy. She is an unhappy person. That has nothing to do with her being Russian -- that's just her. She's a pessimist. I'm an optimist. It's hard to have such a negative person in your life.

[Little Nyssa]

Believe me, I have experienced exactly what you are talking about, down the the hometown of your MIL. This lady has what is known as a "kharakter!" and is a really "tyazholi chelovek." [heavy person]

 

I wouldn't take too seriously what she says about HSing, though, because even if you move to MA and go to work and put the kids in Newton or Brookline Public Schools or something, she will still be worrying away at something else. It will always be something. With someone like this you can never win, so it's not worth trying, IMO.

 

I was not that successful in dealing with the very similar person I used to know, but one thing I wished I had done was have stronger boundaries and tell her that she could not talk to me that way, and also to restrict contact in some way, either by amount of time spent together or location or something.. Also, I wish I had realized that trying to explain things would just make the discussion more involved. And, I hope that your marriage is rock solid. :grouphug:

 

So :grouphug: to you, except for the bit about MA licenses... I'm from MA and I don't know what the problem is...:confused:;)

[kalanamak]

Part of it is she wants to brag about her grandchildren and I think it would be easier to do so if they were excelling in an excellent school district and attending the most prestigious ballet school and gymnastics place available.

 

I think this is terribly common from cultures of want. I knew a Filipino who said her mother was told (on a visit back) that she only pretended to be in America because she didn't come back wearing a fur coat. It was "the thing" to do in that village. (Just think how hot that would be.)

 

I could never get my ex-MIL (Panjabi) to understand that wearing a fancy coat in the part of the Bronx where we worked was a good way to get robbed. She literally stole his shabby coats and threw them out.

 

My Russian co-worker describes being so poor his dad couldn't buy him pants. His uncle outgrew his pants and they were given to him, but the uncle's mother took the zipper out first. Zippers were hard to come by. So, my friend's GM would sew him into his pants every morning and he'd eschew fluids all day, and run home bursting, to have GM pull out the stitches so he could pee.

 

Once you know that about him (he didn't tell me this until I'd known him 6 years), you pardon the little bit of bragging he does about the exotic places he goes for vacation.

[jujsky]

:grouphug: We need to take up a collection to send you lots of bean dip. And chocolate. Hmmm ... I wonder how you say "pass the bean dip" in Russian? :tongue_smilie:

 

Seriously though, you have very good cause for venting. My head would have exploded long before now!!

 

It seems to be a yearly thing around this time. Always in summer. I will gladly take any chocolate donations. She's one who usually makes it impossible to pass the bean-dip because she will. not. stop. pushing.

 

There is another very nice lady on this board married to a Russian man. This Russian man works with my MIL. He has told his wife all the stories because she will bombard him with a homeschooling interrogation every so often. She gets me ;) Every so often I'll get a PM from her letting me know that her husband was questioned, this is what was said, and a storm might be coming my way. No storm warnings this time though!

[jujsky]

I think this is terribly common from cultures of want. I knew a Filipino who said her mother was told (on a visit back) that she only pretended to be in America because she didn't come back wearing a fur coat. It was "the thing" to do in that village. (Just think how hot that would be.)

 

I could never get my ex-MIL (Panjabi) to understand that wearing a fancy coat in the part of the Bronx where we worked was a good way to get robbed. She literally stole his shabby coats and threw them out.

 

My Russian co-worker describes being so poor his dad couldn't buy him pants. His uncle outgrew his pants and they were given to him, but the uncle's mother took the zipper out first. Zippers were hard to come by. So, my friend's GM would sew him into his pants every morning and he'd eschew fluids all day, and run home bursting, to have GM pull out the stitches so he could pee.

 

Once you know that about him (he didn't tell me this until I'd known him 6 years), you pardon the little bit of bragging he does about the exotic places he goes for vacation.

 

Part of it with DH's family is they were 1. Jews and 2. part of the "intelligencia class." They were what would be considered upper-middle class, very artsy, cultured people. That class of people looked down on other classes of people because they truly considered themselves intellectually superior. If you put it into perspective that they were also Jews and looked down on because of that (Jews couldn't get into certain colleges, couldn't get certain jobs, wouldn't be promoted as quickly as other people, etc.) it makes sense. DH's grandmother, a surgeon, at one point could only get a job as a lab-tech because she was a Jew, and she was considered lucky to get that and not be out of work entirely as Jewish doctors were suspected of purposely making high-ranking officials sick. There was a lot of prejudice, so I can see how if you're told all your life that you're not good enough, and scared that any success you have can be taken away in the blink of an eye how you could be so pretentious as a defense-mechanism or something.

[gardenmom5]

:grouphug: Happiness is your MIL's picture on a milk carton. :)

 

 

(assuming you're old enough to remember the missing persons campaign where pictures were on cardboard milk cartons.)

[jujsky]

Believe me, I have experienced exactly what you are talking about, down the the hometown of your MIL. This lady has what is known as a "kharakter!" and is a really "tyazholi chelovek." [heavy person]

 

I wouldn't take too seriously what she says about HSing, though, because even if you move to MA and go to work and put the kids in Newton or Brookline Public Schools or something, she will still be worrying away at something else. It will always be something. With someone like this you can never win, so it's not worth trying, IMO.

 

I was not that successful in dealing with the very similar person I used to know, but one thing I wished I had done was have stronger boundaries and tell her that she could not talk to me that way, and also to restrict contact in some way, either by amount of time spent together or location or something.. Also, I wish I had realized that trying to explain things would just make the discussion more involved. And, I hope that your marriage is rock solid. :grouphug:

 

So :grouphug: to you, except for the bit about MA licenses... I'm from MA and I don't know what the problem is...:confused:;)

 

If our marriage wasn't rock-solid, it wouldn't have survived this long.

 

The license plates.....Mainers are highly suspicious of outsiders in general (any native Mainers on this board will surely agree). Every summer, tourists flock to Maine. The most despised tourists are the people from MA. They drive slow in the passing lanes and tailgate in the slow lanes. They clog the roads, annoy us, and are as thick in ME in summer as black flies. I just can't have a MA license plate and visit ME because every single Mainer is going to look at my car and automatically think, "MA-hole." They will. The "Born in Maine, Living in Exile" bumper sticker DH promised to buy me if we move would help, but I'd still be looked at with suspicion and contempt -- like I was a traitor. DH doesn't get it because he's from "from away," but my brother and SIL, also living in NH now, but from ME originally, totally get what I'm saying. NJ and NY people come in a close second. We think of VT people as pot-smoking, hippie granolas, but essentially harmless people who spend a lot of money in our state and aren't as obnoxious as most tourists. They get suspicious, contemptuous looks, but that's about it. The Canadians (mostly French-Canadians) are mocked for their speedos (shocking and indecent by Maine standards) and their dark socks with sandals. You can pick them out at Old Orchard Beach in a heartbeat. We'd make a game of it. NH people are okay because not only are they our buffer state, but they sell fireworks and tax-free alcohol at NH state liquor stores. Maine people like fireworks and tax-free alcohol.

 

If this shocks and upsets MA people that you're looked at this way, I understand. I was shocked and upset when I learned that native NH people think of us sweet, wholesome Mainers as "Maniacs" and think we can't drive worth crap....though not as bad as the people from MA and CT. We annoy them when we come to NH to shop in their outlet malls (stupid Mainers have their own outlet malls -- why do they come here?) and when we cross state lines to buy our fireworks and alcohol. We're also looked as backward hicks. Growing up in Maine, I always assumed the NH people liked us as much as we liked them. I was sad to find out they didn't.

 

I wonder if other states have ingrained views about their neighboring states?

Edited June 24, 2012 by jujsky

[jujsky]

:grouphug: Happiness is your MIL's picture on a milk carton. :)

 

 

(assuming you're old enough to remember the missing persons campaign where pictures were on cardboard milk cartons.)

 

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

[jujsky]

It's 2:30. I'm going to bed. 'Night all! Thanks for commiserating with me. No feelings of MA natives were intentionally harmed in the creation of this thread.

 

Can you tell I'm tired and loopy? It must be all the tax-free alcohol and fireworks. I've lived in NH for 14 years now if you count college, and I still can't get over the fact I can get all the tax-free alcohol and fireworks I want any time I want them here (joking ;)).

[gardenmom5]

Something would make her unhappy. She is an unhappy person. She's a pessimist. I'm an optimist. It's hard to have such a negative person in your life.

 

It's good you can see that nothing will ever be good enough to make her happy. I assure you, if you can muster the energy to be excruciatingly cheerful and "rejoice with her" about the silver lining (that she is incapable of seeing) in every one of her clouds- you'll at least be entertained at her irritation. dh used to do that to my grandmother. she left him alone.;) I didn't have the energy to do it to the extent dh did.

 

e.g. Oh, you had your cancer check-back? your oncologist said you've been cancer free for five years? that's wonderful. you must be so happy. (no, she wasn't getting as much attention as when she had 'an easily treatable' cancer. she at least knew it was not something she could admit.)

[Bang!Zoom!]

Stupidest thing I ever did in my life was to marry, then move in next door to my former MIL of Middle Eastern Old School Traditional Society Thinking.

 

I'm talking way old school.

 

Lord the stories I could tell ya. Right down to removing the brand of TP I had in the house as it was "inappropriate" for her son....more than once I'd woken up to that woman on her hands and knees in MY kitchen washing the floor by hand...

 

"Someone might stop by..and then what will they think of ME!" she'd say..

 

There's like a million zillion more..but you get the picture..like Polaroid style?

[mommaduck]

If our marriage wasn't rock-solid, it wouldn't have survived this long.

 

The license plates.....Mainers are highly suspicious of outsiders in general (any native Mainers on this board will surely agree). Every summer, tourists flock to Maine. The most despised tourists are the people from MA. They drive slow in the passing lanes and tailgate in the slow lanes. They clog the roads, annoy us, and are as thick in ME in summer as black flies. I just can't have a MA license plate and visit ME because every single Mainer is going to look at my car and automatically think, "MA-hole." They will. The "Born in Maine, Living in Exile" bumper sticker DH promised to buy me if we move would help, but I'd still be looked at with suspicion and contempt -- like I was a traitor. DH doesn't get it because he's from "from away," but my brother and SIL, also living in NH now, but from ME originally, totally get what I'm saying. NJ and NY people come in a close second. We think of VT people as pot-smoking, hippie granolas, but essentially harmless people who spend a lot of money in our state and aren't as obnoxious as most tourists. They get suspicious, contemptuous looks, but that's about it. The Canadians (mostly French-Canadians) are mocked for their speedos (shocking and indecent by Maine standards) and their dark socks with sandals. You can pick them out at Old Orchard Beach in a heartbeat. We'd make a game of it. NH people are okay because not only are they our buffer state, but they sell fireworks and tax-free alcohol at NH state liquor stores. Maine people like fireworks and tax-free alcohol.

 

If this shocks and upsets MA people that you're looked at this way, I understand. I was shocked and upset when I learned that native NH people think of us sweet, wholesome Mainers as "Maniacs" and think we can't drive worth crap....though not as bad as the people from MA and CT. We annoy them when we come to NH to shop in their outlet malls (stupid Mainers have their own outlet malls -- why do they come here?) and when we cross state lines to buy our fireworks and alcohol. We're also looked as backward hicks. Growing up in Maine, I always assumed the NH people liked us as much as we liked them. I was sad to find out they didn't.

 

I wonder if other states have ingrained views about their neighboring states?

I get it. You can tell a NYer here in PA also. :glare: Of course, PA drivers make my husband crazy. He's used to St. Louis and Chicago. We still don't understand why people slow to a stop, then turn on the turn signal, then take f-o-r-e-v-e-r to make the turn. Just turn! Oh, and no one knows how to park straight between the lines in parking lots either. The People of PA and People of Lancaster pages are full of pictures of badly parked vehicles (these are PAers making fun of PAers).

Edited June 24, 2012 by mommaduck

[Kathryn]

If our marriage wasn't rock-solid, it wouldn't have survived this long.

 

The license plates.....Mainers are highly suspicious of outsiders in general (any native Mainers on this board will surely agree). Every summer, tourists flock to Maine. The most despised tourists are the people from MA. They drive slow in the passing lanes and tailgate in the slow lanes. They clog the roads, annoy us, and are as thick in ME in summer as black flies. I just can't have a MA license plate and visit ME because every single Mainer is going to look at my car and automatically think, "MA-hole." They will. The "Born in Maine, Living in Exile" bumper sticker DH promised to buy me if we move would help, but I'd still be looked at with suspicion and contempt -- like I was a traitor. DH doesn't get it because he's from "from away," but my brother and SIL, also living in NH now, but from ME originally, totally get what I'm saying. NJ and NY people come in a close second. We think of VT people as pot-smoking, hippie granolas, but essentially harmless people who spend a lot of money in our state and aren't as obnoxious as most tourists. They get suspicious, contemptuous looks, but that's about it. The Canadians (mostly French-Canadians) are mocked for their speedos (shocking and indecent by Maine standards) and their dark socks with sandals. You can pick them out at Old Orchard Beach in a heartbeat. We'd make a game of it. NH people are okay because not only are they our buffer state, but they sell fireworks and tax-free alcohol at NH state liquor stores. Maine people like fireworks and tax-free alcohol.

 

If this shocks and upsets MA people that you're looked at this way, I understand. I was shocked and upset when I learned that native NH people think of us sweet, wholesome Mainers as "Maniacs" and think we can't drive worth crap....though not as bad as the people from MA and CT. We annoy them when we come to NH to shop in their outlet malls (stupid Mainers have their own outlet malls -- why do they come here?) and when we cross state lines to buy our fireworks and alcohol. We're also looked as backward hicks. Growing up in Maine, I always assumed the NH people liked us as much as we liked them. I was sad to find out they didn't.

 

I wonder if other states have ingrained views about their neighboring states?

 

I'm cracking up at this. I just got back from our annual visit to my grandparents' cottage in Ocean Park (a little Chatauqua community directly south of OOB). My mom was born in Boston, but spent her elementary years in Portland before moving to RI. She recalls being worried about the how she would survive the heat so far south! Anyway, one of my favorite beach games is Spot the Canadian. :D

[jujsky]

Stupidest thing I ever did in my life was to marry, then move in next door to my former MIL of Middle Eastern Old School Traditional Society Thinking.

 

I'm talking way old school.

 

Lord the stories I could tell ya. Right down to removing the brand of TP I had in the house as it was "inappropriate" for her son....more than once I'd woken up to that woman on her hands and knees in MY kitchen washing the floor by hand...

 

"Someone might stop by..and then what will they think of ME!" she'd say..

 

There's like a million zillion more..but you get the picture..like Polaroid style?

 

That's horrible! I can't imagine what I'd do if I woke up and found MIL scrubbing my kitchen floors. DH and I have talked about getting a house with a property large enough to let the ILs build a small house on our property when they retire if they choose to do so. I'm seriously rethinking that. I don't think I could do it, even if it was an entirely separate house.

[jujsky]

I'm cracking up at this. I just got back from our annual visit to my grandparents' cottage in Ocean Park (a little Chatauqua community directly south of OOB). My mom was born in Boston, but spent her elementary years in Portland before moving to RI. She recalls being worried about the how she would survive the heat so far south! Anyway, one of my favorite beach games is Spot the Canadian. :D

 

RI is very hot -- it's too far down south ;) We were raised from the time we were itty-bitty to play Spot the Canadian. It's a fun, summer pass-time. The pier fries at OOB are the best. I try to get those and an Italian sandwich every time I go home to Maine.

[Impish]

That's horrible! I can't imagine what I'd do if I woke up and found MIL scrubbing my kitchen floors. DH and I have talked about getting a house with a property large enough to let the ILs build a small house on our property when they retire if they choose to do so. I'm seriously rethinking that. I don't think I could do it, even if it was an entirely separate house.

Wolf mentioned something about that at one point. I simply gave him The Look, the wall behind him burst into flame, and it hasn't been mentioned since.

 

As I pointed out to him on another occasion (the idea of her living near by) *I* am the one home ft. It would be ME that has to deal w/her, not him. He'd be safely at work.

 

Totally understand MIL issues. :grouphug:

[Jeannie in NJ]

"shoobie" season has started here. Shoobies are tourists that come to the Jersey shore. They forget how to drive while on vacation and they cross the streets just where ever they feel like it. It is a major pain driving here in the summer. We don't even go to see the fireworks on the Boardwalk on the 4th because it is wall to wall people and it can take an hour or more to get home (we normally live only 5 min. from the Boardwalk) and getting into and out of our town on any Sat in the summer is a nightmare (sat. is when the weekly people arrive ).

 

This is only directed at shoobies. People that move here , no matter where they are from , are treated just fine (at least in my experience and observation).

[chiguirre]

:grouphug:

 

MIL's are hard, but you sure pulled the short straw Jujsky!

 

Have you given her K12's promotional material? Does she know that they aim to be more rigorous than the best public schools? Could she (maybe) be persuaded to brag about that? "K12, even better than Brookline!" :D

 

The mental image of the Quebecois in speedos may require some brain bleach. We play the same game in Margarita--spot the Germans on cheap tours turning very, very red in very painful places, while all the Venezuelans grab the shady spots under the palms. Good times!

[jujsky]

I get it. You can tell a NYer here in PA also. :glare: Of course, PA drivers make my husband crazy. He's used to St. Louis and Chicago. We still don't understand why people slow to a stop, then turn on the turn signal, then take f-o-r-e-v-e-r to make the turn. Just turn! Oh, and no one knows how to park straight between the lines in parking lots either. The People of PA and People of Lancaster pages are full of pictures of badly parked vehicles (these are PAers making fun of PAers).

 

I figured other parts of the country had the same, weird prejudices about other states. I was also shocked to hear native NH people joking and teasing me in college that of course the tooth brush was invented in Maine -- anywhere else and it would be called a teeth brush. That's the same thing Mainers said, but about southern states -- all except FL, which was known for old people and Disney World.

[jujsky]

Wolf mentioned something about that at one point. I simply gave him The Look, the wall behind him burst into flame, and it hasn't been mentioned since.

 

As I pointed out to him on another occasion (the idea of her living near by) *I* am the one home ft. It would be ME that has to deal w/her, not him. He'd be safely at work.

 

Totally understand MIL issues. :grouphug:

 

:lol: I told DH that if she moves in next to us I'm getting a FT job and as working as much over-time as they'll give me. The bonus is we'll have money to take extended vacations -- which I will need for mental health reasons.

[Impish]

Oh, and please don't label all Canadians by the Quebec natives you see down there.

 

Quebec'ers are kinda...special. Distinct society and all that.

[jujsky]

I assure you, if you can muster the energy to be excruciatingly cheerful and "rejoice with her" about the silver lining (that she is incapable of seeing) in every one of her clouds- you'll at least be entertained at her irritation.

 

I admire your evil, passive-aggressive tactics. I will use that :D

[jujsky]

"shoobie" season has started here. Shoobies are tourists that come to the Jersey shore. They forget how to drive while on vacation and they cross the streets just where ever they feel like it. It is a major pain driving here in the summer. We don't even go to see the fireworks on the Boardwalk on the 4th because it is wall to wall people and it can take an hour or more to get home (we normally live only 5 min. from the Boardwalk) and getting into and out of our town on any Sat in the summer is a nightmare (sat. is when the weekly people arrive ).

 

This is only directed at shoobies. People that move here , no matter where they are from , are treated just fine (at least in my experience and observation).

 

I love reading this stuff. It's so interesting to me. You must be a welcoming group in NJ! People who aren't from Maine can live there 20 years and they're still always from From Away. My friend was telling me last night that his wife's family has had a camp in Maine for 4 generations now, and they're still looked at as people From Away. It might be different after a generation or two if they moved there, but if you're just there for the summer, you'll never reach native status.

[jujsky]

:grouphug:

 

MIL's are hard, but you sure pulled the short straw Jujsky!

 

Have you given her K12's promotional material? Does she know that they aim to be more rigorous than the best public schools? Could she (maybe) be persuaded to brag about that? "K12, even better than Brookline!" :D

 

The mental image of the Quebecois in speedos may require some brain bleach. We play the same game in Margarita--spot the Germans on cheap tours turning very, very red in very painful places, while all the Venezuelans grab the shady spots under the palms. Good times!

 

She's seen my K12 stuff before. Next year (4th grade) I'm going rogue for the first time and using different curriculum sources, including at least 3 different sources for literature. She'd probably ask to look at what we're doing even if were using K12 again. Even the most rigorous standards apparently don't measure up to the name, prestige, and reputation of the Acton school district :tongue_smilie: It would be kind of fun to tell her we're taking a gap year to allow the kids to find themselves and explore the world around them. She might go into convulsions.

[jujsky]

Oh, and please don't label all Canadians by the Quebec natives you see down there.

 

Quebec'ers are kinda...special. Distinct society and all that.

 

That's what I've come to understand by watching such riveting Canadian TV shows as Degrassi ;) My mom's entire family are French-Canadians on her mom's side so I laugh at the ones on the beach with fondness instead of contempt.

[Coffeemama]

:grouphug:I have a difficult MIL too. She visits every weekend for a minimum of 3 hours. It always takes me another 2-3 hours to relax after and I usually have to vent to someone to get past it...

 

BTW, I'm in MA...we're not all snobs:001_smile:

[Word Nerd]

Is there any way to stop showing her your curriculum, test results, and other educational materials without causing a war? I know it would be easier said than done to pass the bean dip, but having access to those items gives her ammunition and reinforces her view that she has a say in your kids' education.

[jujsky]

:grouphug:I have a difficult MIL too. She visits every weekend for a minimum of 3 hours. It always takes me another 2-3 hours to relax after and I usually have to vent to someone to get past it...

 

BTW, I'm in MA...we're not all snobs:001_smile:

 

She's not a snob because she's in MA -- she's a snob because she's a snob and views society as this weird, rigid, class-based system that exists in other parts of the world and her own, warped, elitist mind :D My MIL visits frequently too, and it usually takes me a few hours (sometimes days) to get over it. We do end up having nice visits sometimes, but often my guard is up in case we don't, that even if we do I end up stressed out.

[Impish]

Is there any way to stop showing her your curriculum, test results, and other educational materials without causing a war? I know it would be easier said than done to pass the bean dip, but having access to those items gives her ammunition and reinforces her view that she has a say in your kids' education.

:iagree:I quit sharing ANYTHING to do w/hsing w/MIL. She doesn't/didn't *get* it anyways. I now just stick to, "They're doing fine." and deflect her. Gives her less to sink her teeth into and argue about.

[ThisIsTheDay]

She wanted to know how I felt they did compared to other kids in PS and told me she wanted to see the curriculum we're using so she can compare it to curriculum used in PS.

 

This would never happen at my house. I'd say, "No, it's really not in a format that is available for anyone to review." There is no discussion in which I justify my choices, or prove anything, to any extended family.

 

It sounds like she is from a culture where it is more common for the grandparents to play an authoritative role in the lives of their (adult) children and grandchildren, and that your dh isn't sure where or how to lay out clear boundaries. He's venting at you because you're easier to deal with than his mom, and you're on his side.

 

I'm sorry. It is terribly frustrating. Your kids, as you know, are doing great, and you are a wonderful teacher!!

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[jujsky]

Is there any way to stop showing her your curriculum, test results, and other educational materials without causing a war? I know it would be easier said than done to pass the bean dip, but having access to those items gives her ammunition and reinforces her view that she has a say in your kids' education.

 

She always asks, and she's relentless. If I try to change the subject (this is with anything -- not just school) she'll keep hammering me with questions, and will bring the subject back to whatever she wants to know if I change it. She's like a dog with a bone. I don't mind showing her their test scores because I feel they're pretty meaningless, and they do a decent job on them. I've shown her a couple things with our curriculum in the past, but she's never shown a real interest in it until now. As I said, I don't know what she hopes to see. She has no basis for comparison. She wasn't a teacher back in Russia. She doesn't know what schools teach in her area or my area. We follow a different sequence with history, as I've explained to her. She's also not the type who needs ammunition. If anything, the things I show her should give her less ammunition. The test scores "prove" my kids are doing well. The curriculum I use is superior to that used in PS (in my opinion anyway -- history and art most certainly are superior). If she doesn't have ammunition, she will come up with some reason out of her head why they would be better off in school or better off living in MA. It often comes down to "better people" and "better opportunities" and "more cultural experiences" which are all very subjective terms. She is all about outward appearances, so true facts matter very little.

Edited June 24, 2012 by jujsky

[kalanamak]

There was a lot of prejudice, so I can see how if you're told all your life that you're not good enough, and scared that any success you have can be taken away in the blink of an eye how you could be so pretentious as a defense-mechanism or something.

 

Yes, my friend related being in a car in Kiev that suddenly drove into a rally in the streets. There were banners that said "The flags of the martyrs will be dipped in the blood of the Jews". That was just on of my many terrible things he has told me.

[scubamama]

Just :grouphug:

 

I have a Russian MIL.....she doesn't get along with her own sibs, let alone us.

 

:grouphug:

 

Michele

[sparrow]

:grouphug::grouphug: I am SO thankful for my MIL.

 

I have seen disastrous relationships in my family, including the dreadful relationship my mom had with my paternal grandmother, related to Lithuanian culture/personality. Sounds similar :tongue_smilie:.

[jujsky]

This would never happen at my house. I'd say, "No, it's really not in a format that is available for anyone to review." There is no discussion in which I justify my choices, or prove anything, to any extended family.

 

It sounds like she is from a culture where it is more common for the grandparents to play an authoritative role in the lives of their (adult) children and grandchildren, and that your dh isn't sure where or how to lay out clear boundaries. He's venting at you because you're easier to deal with than his mom, and you're on his side.

 

I'm sorry. It is terribly frustrating. Your kids, as you know, are doing great, and you are a wonderful teacher!!

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Culturally family does play a lot more of authoritative role. When we were in Russia adopting DS, DH's grandmother's cousin came to pick up a package his grandmother sent along with us. She went up one side of DH and down the other about how we shouldn't adopt. This was a relative he barely knew and this was the day before our court appearance :001_huh: It's a good thing he chose to translate AFTER she left. I know enough choice words in Russian to let her know she did not rank high in my esteem.

 

DH has tried to lay boundaries with his mom, and has gotten much better about it, but she's so incredibly pushy that it's often hard to do. He doesn't want to feel like he's always on edge with her either. He doesn't let her walk all over him or anything, but she usually won't let a subject drop until he gets angry and yells at her. At that point she acts all shocked, hurt, and surprised and truly doesn't seem to understand why her horrible son would raise his voice and be so rude to her when she was just expressing concern. That's the way it generally goes :tongue_smilie:.

[jujsky]

Yes, my friend related being in a car in Kiev that suddenly drove into a rally in the streets. There were banners that said "The flags of the martyrs will be dipped in the blood of the Jews". That was just on of my many terrible things he has told me.

 

DH's family experienced similar things in St. Petersburg. There were rallies about how the economy had gone down the tubes because of the Jews. The tone was similar to pre-WWII Germany. Scarey!

[TXMomof4]

She always asks, and she's relentless. If I try to change the subject (this is with anything -- not just school) she'll keep hammering me with questions, and will bring the subject back to whatever she wants to know if I change it. She's like a dog with a bone. I don't mind showing her their test scores because I feel they're pretty meaningless, and they do a decent job on them. I've shown her a couple things with our curriculum in the past, but she's never shown a real interest in it until now. As I said, I don't know what she hopes to see. She has no basis for comparison. She wasn't a teacher back in Russia. She doesn't know what schools teach in her area or my area. We follow a different sequence with history, as I've explained to her. She's also not the type who needs ammunition. If anything, the things I show her should give her less ammunition. The test scores "prove" my kids are doing well. The curriculum I use is superior to that used in PS (in my opinion anyway -- history and art most certainly are superior). If she doesn't have ammunition, she will come up with some reason out of her head why they would be better off in school or better off living in MA. It often comes down to "better people" and "better opportunities" and "more cultural experiences" which are all very subjective terms. She is all about outward appearances, so true facts matter very little.

 

I don't know if this would help or just make it worse - I understand it isn't really concern with reality, just appearances - but I would give her all the information I could find. Print up the scope and sequence from your local school district - give her a copy to TWTM to compare. Find something that explains a classical education with the idea that it is an "elite" education intended for the upper class. Focus on the fact that your children are being given the same education type as the nobility in the past. Even if you're only loosely classical, it's the idea that counts. Bury her with info (it doesn't have to be your info - just info).

 

I'm super, super blessed that MIL does think hsing is good. But we have our other challenges.:glare:

[jujsky]

Just :grouphug:

 

I have a Russian MIL.....she doesn't get along with her own sibs, let alone us.

 

:grouphug:

 

 

MIL has one sibling in Israel. She doesn't get along with him either. I think she feels he and his wife are "low class." :tongue_smilie: