WWYD: Older teen-ager breaking curfew...

[mama2cntrykids]

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Edited June 7, 2012 by mama2cntrykids

[CalicoKat]

nm

Edited June 7, 2012 by CalicoKat

[amy g.]

I would not impose any curfew on a 17 almost 18 year old.

 

I would ask that he show me the respect I'd ask from an adult roommate, but I would not tell him what he can and can't do.

 

I certainly would not punish him.

[Danestress]

If your dh won't support and enforce a curfew, why have one? I would tell your dSS that I expect him to be home at the time he says he will be home, no exceptions, unless he calls. But I don't think I would punish him. He is 17. He is allowed to make mistakes with women. Coming home late is an issue, but not one I would go punitive over unless it keeps happening.

 

We had a curfew for our son at that age, mostly because we are not, as dh said, a "flop house" and are entitled to have everyone home and in bed at a certain hour. But it sounds like your issue is more about what he is doing with the girl than it is about the hour.

 

If you have his ear, I would talk to him about why you hope he will resist physical intimacy with girls. Lay it all out there. I did with my son. If his dad is the better person for that, talk to him about it. But at some point, you have to accept that a 17 or 18 year old kid is ultimately going to do what he or she wants with his or her body, even during the day time. If you can't convince his heart, it is sort of a lost cause.

Edited June 6, 2012 by Danestress

[*Lulu*]

I would not impose any curfew on a 17 almost 18 year old.

 

I would ask that he show me the respect I'd ask from an adult roommate, but I would not tell him what he can and can't do.

 

I certainly would not punish him.

 

I almost agree. I think it is reasonable to have a curfew for a barely adult child living with you providing the curfew is decided with the child and not just handed down.

 

OP- I would simply treat this as a PSA moment about being considerate of the people you live with. If you tell a roommate you'll be in at 11, you are either in really close to 11 or you call. When I was in college, being almost an hour past curfew and not answering calls would have had my roommates calling campus security.

[ma23peas]

I would not be upset, I would be more concerned about your husband who 'cares' not, that is the bigger issue...I think it is great he is living with his Dad but that makes me believe that his mother does not 'care' that much either...this kid needs people who care in a loving, non-critical way....there are ways to handle it that can still be loving, I would nt have gone to his bedroom right away...I would have made him a really nice breakfast at 7am...and asked him how the night was, genuinely listen and care...then at the end remind him that 11:45 was not curfew, next time remember it please.

For those who say no curfew...no way! Unless you are 21 and under my roof there will always be a curfew, for some exceptions, this can be pushed back..(concert running over, etc.) but always a curfew!

[tntgoodwin]

Hmmm. Since it is a one-time thing and not a pattern of missing the curfew, I too would let it go.

 

I would make sure that he knows if there is a next time though, he better call. Even if his phone died, she probably has one, right?

 

If it happens again, and he doesn't call, I would lock the door for the night.

[Annie G]

If he'd rolled in at 2 AM, smelling of alcohol, I'd probably be upset. But the whole ex-girlfriend and current girlfriend thing is going to blow up because girls are not happy when their boyfriends spend time with an ex. And the torture she'll inflict is probably worse than any 'you were late' lecture you could give.

[SJ.]

He is almost 18. This is the time to start treating him as an adult but with your adult guidance as needed. To me a curfew does not equal guidance. I would let it go.

[Unicorn.]

I disagree w/ not having a curfew. I would give him a warning this time, and I would remind him that he has a girlfriend, and being out w/ this other girl is not healthy for that relationship. I would remind him of all the bad stuff that this ex has caused, and ask him if he wants to go down that road again. I would also remind him that it is common courtesy to call when he is going to be late, and if his phone is dead, then he needs to be on time. He needs to understand that it is rude, and you are up worrying if he is late.

[Danestress]

That so many people are so nonrestrictive about the hours 18 year olds keep while living with mom and dad.

 

I guess for us, it was more the car that had the curfew. It is a really scary thing to have a young driver out all night with a car, and in our case, our son was on our insurance, and we were advised that we had liability issues even if the car was technically in his name and he was a legal adult.

 

A friend's son killed his best friend in a car wreck at 3:00 am while home from a college break. I think maybe that skewed my perspective. Even though her son was 19, the parents were sued, lost their life savings (and more), and struggled mightily with grief, loss, guilt. I know these things can happen in the daytime too, but I couldn't see any reason my son needed to be driving my car in the middle of the night.

 

Yes, 18 is an adult legally in most ways. But until a guy buys his own car, parks it in his own garage, and pays his own insurance on it, separate from mine, I am going to worry sick when he is not home at 3:00, and I am not entirely convinced he is due full adult autonomy while living in my home on my dime.

Edited June 6, 2012 by Danestress

[regentrude]

I would not impose any curfew on a 17 almost 18 year old.

 

I would ask that he show me the respect I'd ask from an adult roommate, but I would not tell him what he can and can't do.

 

I certainly would not punish him.

 

:iagree:

In addition, I do not think it is *your* place to set or enforce any curfew, since you are not the parent. His father should handle this.

Edited June 6, 2012 by regentrude

[Joanne]

I have a son that age.

 

I would not micromanage him in the way I see in the OP. Especially a step son. My oldest lives with his Dad and step mom. She tries to indirectly control him and it is hurting his relationship with her AND hid Dad. Like you, she doesn't like some of the things he does, so she increases rules trying to change him.

 

17 year old man/boys make mistakes. They ultimately learn more by making them than by avoiding them through rules that are patronizing or age inappropriate.

 

My 17 year old does not have a curfew, except as it relates to the town/being on the streets laws. He shares far more with me than his other parent people.

 

Too much PDA is not something you can manage by restricting access. It's a maturity (and hormone) issue. He'll outgrow it.

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

Well my son is older than yours, but around 17 or 18 I stopped having a hardened curfew and went to a more "what time do you think you'll be back," approach.

 

That has worked well. I do ask that he send me a text message if he'll be later than he has told me (I don't ask a lot of questions about why - just "I'll be another hour" or whatever) so I can decide if I want to wait up for him or just go to bed. We still enjoy each others company, so I'm waiting up just to chat and see if he had a good time, not to check up on him. ;)

 

He also texts me when he's on the way home if it's after 11 or so because I deadbolt the front door when I go to bed and, if I don't know he's on the way, he won't be able to get in. I need my beauty rest. :D

 

All that is to say, I'm sorry you're so torn up over this. I would just have a chat with him. Try to re-define your relationship so that it isn't so punitive and get a few bottles of wine. If he's 17 and you're this worked up, it's going to be a very bumpy ride. Try to :chillpill: a bit. Good Luck!

[Starr]

I would want to ask how he was feeling about the situation with the girl friends.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug:

 

are you able to narrow it down as to what upset you the most?

 

ideas:

a) he wasn't home at the curfew time

b) you were afraid of what might happen

c) you were concerned about who he was with

d) he is in a relationship and chose to spend evening time with a former flame?

e) the car wasn't home

 

we have two in their twenties, and two in their early teens.

 

what worked for the olders:

a) once they were off at college and then coming home at break time, we had the "ditch" rule. it went something like: you are an adult. you are a responsible adult. responsible adults realize that what they do affects other people. if you aren't coming home, please text to say "i'm not lying in a ditch somewhere. see you in the morning." that's it. i really don't want to know what you're up to unless you think i need to. but i do need to sleep and i can't if i think you might be in a ditch somewhere.

 

b) prior to college, at night, we had a "no spontaneous anything" rule. if you plan something beforehand and we know about it, great. if not, then "no". so if someone shows up you haven't seen in forever and you want to spend time, you arrange to meet them the next day, and i make sure to make that possible.

 

c) and i didn't go to bed until they were home. ever. so wherever they were, whatever they were doing, they knew i was sitting in the nook waiting.

 

d) self-imposed curfew.... the preliminary to the ditch rule. "when do you think you'll be home?" "oh, 11 maybe 12". "well, pick one" "11.30pm" "great". and then that became the required time to be home. if they weren't going to make it because there was an earthquake or a fire or someone was bleeding, they could call. otherwise, they didn't have use of the car again for a while. (and yes, things happen. so you plan to be home a bit earlier than the latest acceptable time.... which you yourself chose..... because that's what a responsible adult does.)

 

it worked for us.

 

all that said, the biggest issues for me are that he was with a female person who is not the one he is currently in relationship with, and that it sounds as if you and your dh aren't on the same page re expectations and rules/consequences. whether or not you are, i'm hoping you can work towards a meeting in the middle that you can each support, or at least one of you bends to support the other one....

 

fwiw,

ann

[Jean in Newcastle]

Honestly, I would not have said yes to him going to her grandma's. You knew she was bad news and they haven't been in a relationship lately so it would have been easier to just say "no, come on home". I wouldn't have an issue with a broken curfew if I supported where my child was. I think the problem was with who he was with.

[DawnM]

Your DH should handle this, period.

[mama2cntrykids]

nm

Edited June 7, 2012 by mama2cntrykids

[DesertDweller]

I would not impose any curfew on a 17 almost 18 year old.

 

I would ask that he show me the respect I'd ask from an adult roommate, but I would not tell him what he can and can't do.

 

I certainly would not punish him.

 

 

:iagree:

 

Punishing him will probably make your relationship worse. I would let him know that you were concerned and would appreciate a call if it happens again. He should be able to use someone else's phone to let you know he was going to be a bit later than originally thought.

 

I would also remind him to be more responsible about keeping his phone charged.

 

Other than that, as far as a curfew, I would let it go.

[JFSinIL]

I disagree w/ not having a curfew. I would give him a warning this time, and I would remind him that he has a girlfriend, and being out w/ this other girl is not healthy for that relationship. I would remind him of all the bad stuff that this ex has caused, and ask him if he wants to go down that road again. I would also remind him that it is common courtesy to call when he is going to be late, and if his phone is dead, then he needs to be on time. He needs to understand that it is rude, and you are up worrying if he is late.

 

I agree with this.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Well....I don't believe in arbitrary curfews and....well, so how this would have gone down here (what I would have said):

 

1) Oh, is that a good idea? (because I still say such things whether I should or not)

 

2) What time do you expect to be home?

 

3) and? (with the expectation of "I'll call or text if I'm running late.")

 

Isn't that similar to what I would do with my mother, hubby, etc? I expect respect...that is it.

 

My car doesn't make it home when it is supposed to and you don't have the common courtesy to call? Then I'm probably going to say, "no, I need you to bring my car home."

 

BTW, the only time we've had an issue with this (and I have two older teens who live here) is twice when my daughter was like 13 or 14. She thought because she was doing ministry related stuff with ministry related people that I would be fine with not having a call for each change of location. She got the point though then so I don't feel the need to micromanage her at almost 20 (or my 17yo).

 

(And this would be one of the example in the treat adult children as adults threads).

[Impish]

I'm not a fan of kids coming and going whenever. Regardless of age, if they're living at home, I don't think an agreed upon time that they should be back is inappropriate.

 

I guess I just consider it a price they pay to live at home, w/out the responsibilities that come w/being on their own.

 

I mean, it's still the family home, not a hotel.

 

I like the approach of asking what time they'll be in, and holding them to that. I can totally see giving them a say, negotiating w/them, but not just leaving it open.

[Joanne]

OP, it's hard to respond to specifics without quoting. But in your OP and your follow it, it seems to me that you are trying to manage him, and his choices, in a non productive way.

 

You clearly don't like this girl, and him *with* this girl. But trying to manage his choices regarding her in an indirect, almost secretive manner, is not going to help him mature.

 

I think your perspective and approach especially as a step mom is counter productive to your relationship and to him taking responsibility for his decisions.

[Reflections]

It is not easy being a stepmom - especially when dh doesn't help or even "see" what the problem is. :grouphug::grouphug:

 

It is especially hard when because of the natural order of things, your relationship is changing with your step son.

 

I disagree with idea that because you are the stepmom you should not deal with this and make it the sole problem of your dh. You are a loving parent to this child - period - and just because you married into him doesn't change your feelings nor your responsibility to him.

 

I agree with the idea that you should let the relationship change - a gradual change - is okay. I would talk to/with him more like a friend and less and less like a parent. BUT I really like the idea that the car has a curfew :lol:. Just my 2 cents. Really, all I wanted to convey was that it is a confusing time for everyone and there will be missteps on all sides but with a little understanding and space everyone will make it out okay.

[kalanamak]

a) once they were off at college and then coming home at break time, we had the "ditch" rule. it went something like: you are an adult. you are a responsible adult. responsible adults realize that what they do affects other people. if you aren't coming home, please text to say "i'm not lying in a ditch somewhere. see you in the morning."

 

fwiw,

ann

 

Ohh, I love your ditch analogy. My mother used to say she didn't want to have to come scrape us off the pavement with a spoon.