Aunt and Uncle divorce situation, what to do?

[dancer67]

My DH's brother and wife were officially divorced yesterday after being married 13 years, and being seperated for a year. They have 3 dc. 6,9,and 12.

 

I was very close to my SIL. But it was a nasty divorce and my SIL would call me and try pit me against DH's brother so finally I had to tell her to please stop calling me and talking about what supposedly my husbands brother was "doing to her".

 

Fast forward. My kids, who are 21, 19, and 13 were very close to their aunt.

 

Esp my 19 yo daughter. My SIL is young, only 31. My BIL is young at 32. My husband is 45, and I am 44 so there is quite an age difference between the four of us, but it never mattered or interfered with our relationship. We would all hang out together quite a bit.

 

My 19 yo daughter has a dance recital coming up. She would like her aunt AND uncle to go. But, my BIL will NOT go if she goes.

 

My MIL(BIL mother), feels that since my BIL is my DH's brother, that he should be invited and NOT my SIL, because BIL is blood family. And SIL is only aunt by marriage and is really not blood related. So my BIL feelings should come first.

 

Uggghhhh................My 19 yo is very torn and upset over this.

 

You would think that BOTH of them would grow up, and realize there are going to be events involving their own children where they have no choice but to be in the same room together. My MIL rebuttal to that is that those are their children they created together. This is not the same thing. We are talking about a niece. Not their children.

 

I JUST went through this when my 19 yo graduated from high school last year. I invited both of them. My SIL came, and my BIL did not. I find out afterwards that my BIL was ticked that I even invited her, because I was supposed to know that after everything she did to him(She was a physical abuser to him), I should have known not to invite her as he was so angry and hurt by what she did to him, he could not stand to be anywhere near her. So he didn't come. My MIL gave me a long lecture as to why my BIL had a right to be ticked at me. Because BIL, once again, is blood. And SIL is not.

 

So, here we go again. My 19 yo WANTS her aunt to go. My BIL has a new girlfriend,(she actually used to be my SIL very dear friend). And If my daughter invites both, I know my BIL will be ticked once again. And I am going to catch he** from my mil, and the rest of DH's family.

 

What to do? Advice? I don't know what to tell my daughter.

Edited May 10, 2012 by dancer67

[craftymama]

Personally I think it's up to your daughter. She should get to invite who she wants to as it is HER special event. If MIL and/or BIL can't see that it's about HER and not them then that's there problem. When they come forward and start with why it was wrong I would tell them "No, what's wrong is you are making this event about YOU instead of celebrating HER accomplishment. I'm sorry you feel the need to do that, but I will not let you taint HER day."

[Trilliums]

I findout afterwards that my BIL was ticked that I even invited her, because I was supposed to know that after everything she did to him(She was a physical abuser to him), I should have known not to invite her as he was so angry and hurt by waht she did tohim, he could not stand to be anywhere near her.

 

 

Normally I'd say, invite them both and let them work it out. In this situation though, I would invite the BIL and not the SIL. Sorry, but IMO she has forfeited her rights to attend family events in a non-drama inducing manner.

 

I would tell DD the things that BIL said about the last invitation.

 

Definitely a tough situation. :grouphug:

[*********]

Well, that's a tough one.

 

I get your mother-in-law's point of view that the uncle should be the one invited, because he's blood. I get it. And that's usually how it goes.

 

But the thing is, your bil and sil should grow up and just both go. That's silly that they're doing the 'I won't go if he/she is there' thing. Maybe in time they'll chill out and come around.

 

If it were my daughter, I'd tell her how it is. That if she invites auntie, that uncle won't come. And yes, that's kinda silly, but it's the current reality.

 

They I'd leave it up to her. She's 19. She's grown. Let her do what she wants. And then when your mil starts in on you about it (because I *know* how these things go, too :tongue_smilie:), you can just tell her that you let your daughter decide who to invite. I bet grandma won't give your daughter any grief about it. :D

[dancer67]

Invite them and let them decide to be stupid about it? I don't know. I mean couldn't they just sit in different parts of the place?

 

I have been through this a bit too so I get it. My aunt and uncle (also my god parents) were divorced after 21 years. I haven't seen my aunt much since. That was about 12 years ago. I miss her. But they just won't be in the same room together. Although thankfully they both got over that enough to go to their daughters' weddings (not mine though).

 

Well, that is what I "think" should happen. But, if my daughter invites them both, my MIL is going to call here and give me he** about it, because the SIL was physically abusive to my BIL and how can any of us want to have anything to do with her.

 

My MIL said that if the situation was reversed, and BIL was the physical abuser, we would be angry at HIM and my SIL would not want to be in the same room with him out of fear. Supposedly my BIL fears his ex-wife and afraid she may cause a scene in public.

 

IOW, my MIL and the rest of the in-laws thing that we should all cut ties with the SIL, and the only one who should be speaking to her is my BIL. And only because he has to for the sake of their children.

 

I seriously hate this. And feel bad for my daughter.

[Trilliums]

 

My MIL said that if the situation was reversed, and BIL was the physical abuser, we would be angry at HIM and my SIL would not want to be in the same room with him out of fear. Supposedly my BIL fears his ex-wife and afraid she may cause a scene in public.

 

 

 

 

Imagine the blood relative was your brother's sister and she was physically abused by a non-blood related male uncle. Would you seriously consider inviting the abusive male to family events?

[snickelfritz]

 

My MIL said that if the situation was reversed, and BIL was the physical abuser, we would be angry at HIM and my SIL would not want to be in the same room with him out of fear. Supposedly my BIL fears his ex-wife and afraid she may cause a scene in public.

 

.

 

I see the point in this. If HE had been physically abusing HER, would you still just expect her to grow up and be adult about the situation? I've not been in the situation, but I think there is a lot of emotional stuff there.

[dancer67]

Well, that's a tough one.

 

I get your mother-in-law's point of view that the uncle should be the one invited, because he's blood. I get it. And that's usually how it goes.

 

But the thing is, your bil and sil should grow up and just both go. That's silly that they're doing the 'I won't go if he/she is there' thing. Maybe in time they'll chill out and come around.

 

If it were my daughter, I'd tell her how it is. That if she invites auntie, that uncle won't come. And yes, that's kinda silly, but it's the current reality.

 

They I'd leave it up to her. She's 19. She's grown. Let her do what she wants. And then when your mil starts in on you about it (because I *know* how these things go, too :tongue_smilie:), you can just tell her that you let your daughter decide who to invite. I bet grandma won't give your daughter any grief about it. :D

 

Yes, I get what my MIL is saying. And yes, they (especially by BIL, because my SIL has no issues being in the same room with my BIL), should just knock it off and be civil for the sake of my daughter.

 

If I tell my MIL that it was not my idea, and she invited both of them on her own. She is going to tell me that my daughter is old enough to "understand" the circumstances, and that her Uncle is blood, and I should make sure she understands that.

 

Yes, she is an adult. But my MIL(or the other in-laws) will not see it that way.

 

I guess if she invites them both, if anyone cives me grief, I am going to have to tell them that my daughter is an adult, and she still loves her aunt, and if nobody likes it then to bad.

 

I just don't get how a couple, after a whole year can still have this much hatred.

 

And to top it off, my BIL had filed for full custody of the kids and the family stood behind him 100%. So you can see how much the in-laws *love* my SIL. NOT.

[dancer67]

Personally I think it's up to your daughter. She should get to invite who she wants to as it is HER special event. If MIL and/or BIL can't see that it's about HER and not them then that's there problem. When they come forward and start with why it was wrong I would tell them "No, what's wrong is you are making this event about YOU instead of celebrating HER accomplishment. I'm sorry you feel the need to do that, but I will not let you taint HER day."

 

Good response. Thank you.:001_smile:

[Mama Geek]

What does your dh say and will he back his mother off?

[StartingOver]

I think the adults should all grow up. They divorced each other, not the nieces ( and nephews ). Come on, geez. I hate stuff like this. Your 19 year old has only known them as together, she never thought of her Aunt as by marriage.

 

^%$%^ CHILDISH $@^@$%^ STUPID $#%#@$% ADULTS $%@$%@ GROW #$^#$%^#%^ UP @%^#

 

 

Sorry this one hits a bit close to home. My mother was married for 20 years before she died. Yet her step daughter insists that my mothers husband is not my children's grandfather. UGH !!! Yes, he is. The only grandfather they have ever known. He was there at the hospital to hold them all the days they were born. He has been there every day of their lives. Blood isn't everything, family is who you love !!

Edited May 10, 2012 by StartingOver

[Widdershins]

This really is a hard situation. If you or your daughter are religious at all, I would recommend praying. It can work wonders, if not in the people we're praying for, then in ourselves at least. You never know what will happen.

 

I'd have your 19 year old do the inviting herself and express to both of them how important it is to her and ask them if it is a sacrifice they are willing to make for her sake. That's really what it comes down to and it ought to be said. And if either of them is going to be difficult about it, it will be up to her to forgive them because it is really the only thing left in her power to do. Regardless of what happens, the situation is going to be hard on someone.

[Unicorn.]

Your mil needs to keep her nose out of it. If your dd wants to invite both, that is her prerogative. If your bil wants to be petty and not come, that's his prerogative. They all need to stop putting you and your family in the middle. It's their divorce, not yours. She is still their aunt. My parents divorced after 32 yrs. My mom's brother remained one of my dad's closest friends. My mother's nieces and nephews still called my dad "Uncle _____", and vice-versa. My dad's sister remained one of my mom's closest friends. Grandparents stayed out of it. My parents hated being in the same room as each other, but they sucked it up and dealt w/ it, and not just for their own kids. Bil needs to grow up, and so does your mil.

[SunnyDays]

Was she physically abusive? Or is that what everyone is saying?

 

Does the BIL care about coming? Is he interested in watching dance shows?

 

*sigh* I don't know. I still lean towards letting the daughter decide. She is 19. She isn't a little kid. She should invite who she wants.

 

That was my question too. Is there a history of physical abuse there? Is that just BIL's story? Was there one incident that got blown way out of proportion? I think without knowing the history it's hard to say.

 

I would still in some ways lean toward letting your daughter decide as well. Ugh... I hate in-law drama... I have my fair share. :)

 

One thing to consider... if your ex-SIL is truly an abusive person, do you want your daughter spending any significant time with her or viewing her as a role model? Just food for thought...

[dancer67]

Was she physically abusive? Or is that what everyone is saying?

 

Does the BIL care about coming? Is he interested in watching dance shows?

 

*sigh* I don't know. I still lean towards letting the daughter decide. She is 19. She isn't a little kid. She should invite who she wants.

 

Yes, she was definitely a physical abuser. My BIL actually had to call the police twice on her. She was jailed twice. The second time she was jailed he left her for good. But moved in quickly with one of her very good friends.

 

I don't know so much if he would care about coming, but I know his girlfriend would. Which means he would come as well.

 

Yes, my daughter is an adult. But she doesn't want to cause an issue with her uncle.

 

She does know that her aunt was a physical abuser. But my daughter says that has nothing to do with her.

 

I don't know. I just know because my SIL and her were so close,(And I was as well) with her, this is hard on her.

[DaffodilDreams]

Personally I think it's up to your daughter. She should get to invite who she wants to as it is HER special event. If MIL and/or BIL can't see that it's about HER and not them then that's there problem. When they come forward and start with why it was wrong I would tell them "No, what's wrong is you are making this event about YOU instead of celebrating HER accomplishment. I'm sorry you feel the need to do that, but I will not let you taint HER day."

 

I agree with this, and I've lived through such complications. My favorite aunt and uncle divorced after 20 something years, and I wanted them both at my wedding. The divorce was fresh, but thankfully, they did both attend, and they simply avoided each other. Theirs was not a polite divorce, either.

[dancer67]

Your mil needs to keep her nose out of it. If your dd wants to invite both, that is her prerogative. If your bil wants to be petty and not come, that's his prerogative. They all need to stop putting you and your family in the middle. It's their divorce, not yours. She is still their aunt. My parents divorced after 32 yrs. My mom's brother remained one of my dad's closest friends. My mother's nieces and nephews still called my dad "Uncle _____", and vice-versa. My dad's sister remained one of my mom's closest friends. Grandparents stayed out of it. My parents hated being in the same room as each other, but they sucked it up and dealt w/ it, and not just for their own kids. Bil needs to grow up, and so does your mil.

 

 

:iagree: about the MIL.

 

And to the poster who asked what my DH has to say, he thinks our daughter should do what she wants. And if DH spoke to his mother, he WOULD say something. But my MIL will NOT back down. She is a very religious person and constantly brings God into the conversation. Makes it hard for my DH to argue with the Bible with her.

 

She can be so darn aggravating.

[bettyandbob]

I would go with inviting BIL only. Then if your dd still wants to share with exSIL, she could invite your exSIL out to lunch and bring a laptop so they can watch a recording of the recital together. You could give her a restaurant gift card to help pay for the lunch.

 

It seems pretty clear that it will be some time (years if at all) before exSIL can do family events. Your dd needs to understand this. She can maintain a relationship with her aunt, but that relationship needs to be outside of family events and probably not in your home.

[dancer67]

One thing to consider... if your ex-SIL is truly an abusive person, do you want your daughter spending any significant time with her or viewing her as a role model? Just food for thought...

 

This.

 

It what I hear from my MIL all the time. And I have thought about this as well. My daughter isn't looking to hang out with her, but to share some big moments in her life. Like her high school graduation, her dance recitals, her wedding someday, her college graduation etc............

 

Does my SIL need help? Yes. She has never done anything to hurt my daughter though. Or any of my kids.

[Bang!Zoom!]

Could DD call or visit each of them to discuss it? Hearing it from her (and their follow up responses) might be helpful all the way around.

 

In respect to the other parties and their level of maturity, they are free to make their own decisions (supportive or idiotic) based on where they are at in closure, healing and moving on.

 

A year out from a battle might prove too much for some, it may be that it's just too raw and stressful. It also may turn out this situation and pattern is going to last a lifetime as well.

 

It sounds pretty awful, I'm so very sorry.

[dancer67]

I would go with inviting BIL only. Then if your dd still wants to share with exSIL, she could invite your exSIL out to lunch and bring a laptop so they can watch a recording of the recital together. You could give her a restaurant gift card to help pay for the lunch.

 

It seems pretty clear that it will be some time (years if at all) before exSIL can do family events. Your dd needs to understand this. She can maintain a relationship with her aunt, but that relationship needs to be outside of family events and probably not in your home.

 

 

This is certainly another good possibility. The recital IS taped on a CD.

 

Food for thought, thank you.

[Trilliums]

 

And to top it off, my BIL had filed for full custody of the kids and the family stood behind him 100%. So you can see how much the in-laws *love* my SIL. NOT.

 

 

Given what you have written about SIL, I am flummoxed that this would be surprising. I would also support custody going to the non-abusive parent regardless of their gender. You seem to have other issues with your BIL.

[Catwoman]

Yes, she was definitely a physical abuser. My BIL actually had to call the police twice on her. She was jailed twice. The second time she was jailed he left her for good. But moved in quickly with one of her very good friends.

 

I don't know so much if he would care about coming, but I know his girlfriend would. Which means he would come as well.

 

Yes, my daughter is an adult. But she doesn't want to cause an issue with her uncle.

 

She does know that her aunt was a physical abuser. But my daughter says that has nothing to do with her.

 

I don't know. I just know because my SIL and her were so close,(And I was as well) with her, this is hard on her.

 

Until I read this, I was going to post something entirely different, but in all honestly, I wouldn't want your former SIL around any of my kids. Period.

[dancer67]

Could DD call or visit each of them to discuss it? Hearing it from her (and their follow up responses) might be helpful all the way around.

 

In respect to the other parties and their level of maturity, they are free to make their own decisions (supportive or idiotic) based on where they are at in closure, healing and moving on.

 

A year out from a battle might prove too much for some, it may be that it's just too raw and stressful. It also may turn out this situation and pattern is going to last a lifetime as well.

 

It sounds pretty awful, I'm so very sorry.

 

It HAS been awful It has been really tough on me as well. I am also just an "in-law", and after what my DH's family has done to my SIL(pretty much ganged up on her) I would not want that to happen to me if my DH and I ever split up.

 

My MIL paid for the best lawyer around. My SIL could not afford that. She had a legal aid represent her.

 

I miss my SIL. I miss them being together. All four of us and our kids all drove to FL just two years ago. I still have all the pictures. We all had so much fun together. And my husband is very close to his brother despite the age difference.

 

My daughter has spoken to my SIL on several occassions. But the divorce is never brought up. Only things like school, and my dd boyfriend are talked about.

 

I don't know. Both of them are still so angry at each other. Maybe it is best she just emails her a copy of her dances. The simple fact is. She WAS a physical abuser. I suppose it is pretty hypocritical to have her involved, where as if it was my BIL who was the abuser, I wouldn't want him around.

 

This whole thing just stinks.

Edited May 10, 2012 by dancer67

[bettyandbob]

 

She does know that her aunt was a physical abuser. But my daughter says that has nothing to do with her.

 

This is disturbing. Like it's OK for a woman to beat a man to the point of warranting jail time. I don't the woman's other attributes, but I'd have a hard time with my dd hanging around someone who physically attacks a significant other. She would need to have been through a lot therapy/anger management, etc. Your dd is an adult and so I don't think you can prevent her from having a relationship with this person, but I think I'd try to get my dd educated on abusive relationships and the extent of destruction they cause and how people cannot just say "it doesn't involve me."

[Catwoman]

Given what you have written about SIL, I am flummoxed that this would be surprising. I would also support custody going to the non-abusive parent regardless of their gender. You seem to have other issues with your BIL.

 

:iagree:

 

If the situation was reversed and it was your dh's sister being physically abused by her husband (instead of the wife abusing the husband,) I'd be willing to bet some serious money that no one in the family would ever speak to the abusive husband again, and would fully support the woman in her quest for full custody of the children.

 

Why does the SIL get a pass on this? Is it just because she's a woman, and because she's a woman, she would never hurt anyone else? :confused:

 

Because an abuser is an abuser, regardless of their sex.

 

I am totally not getting the support for the SIL, at all, and I can absolutely understand why the MIL (and the rest of the family) would be siding against her. Why would anyone support the abuser?

 

What am I missing here? There has to be more to this story than we are hearing. I mean, I get it that she was always nice to the kids, but I'm not sure how that would even matter when this same woman is beating her husband up to the point of being arrested and jailed for it. Is there some sort of feeling that the BIL "had it coming?" Was he ever abusive to her? I'm sorry to sound so clueless, but I just can't figure this out.

Edited May 10, 2012 by Catwoman

[Bang!Zoom!]

Wow, the pressure on all sides is tremendous.

 

Try to remember under all that anger there is a lot of grieving going on. I think you recognize that and feel it too. :grouphug:

 

Grieving and forgiveness have a process, and everyone is floating somewhere different in the cycle. I wish you and your daughter the best.

 

Good luck to her also on her performance and celebrating all her hard work.

[clarkacademy]

Personally I think it's up to your daughter. She should get to invite who she wants to as it is HER special event. If MIL and/or BIL can't see that it's about HER and not them then that's there problem. When they come forward and start with why it was wrong I would tell them "No, what's wrong is you are making this event about YOU instead of celebrating HER accomplishment. I'm sorry you feel the need to do that, but I will not let you taint HER day."

 

:iagree:

[UnsinkableKristen]

 

This is disturbing. Like it's OK for a woman to beat a man to the point of warranting jail time. I don't the woman's other attributes, but I'd have a hard time with my dd hanging around someone who physically attacks a significant other. She would need to have been through a lot therapy/anger management, etc. Your dd is an adult and so I don't think you can prevent her from having a relationship with this person, but I think I'd try to get my dd educated on abusive relationships and the extent of destruction they cause and how people cannot just say "it doesn't involve me."

 

:iagree:

 

If the situation was reversed and it was your dh's sister being physically abused by her husband (instead of the wife abusing the husband,) I'd be willing to bet some serious money that no one in the family would ever speak to the abusive husband again, and would fully support the woman in her quest for full custody of the children.

 

Why does the SIL get a pass on this? Is it just because she's a woman, and because she's a woman, she would never hurt anyone else? :confused:

 

Because an abuser is an abuser, regardless of their sex.

 

I am totally not getting the support for the SIL, at all, and I can absolutely understand why the MIL (and the rest of the family) would be siding against her. Why would anyone support the abuser?

 

What am I missing here? There has to be more to this story than we are hearing. I mean, I get it that she was always nice to the kids, but I'm not sure how that would even matter when this same woman is beating her husband up to the point of being arrested and jailed for it. Is there some sort of feeling that the BIL "had it coming?" Was he ever abusive to her? I'm sorry to sound so clueless, but I just can't figure this out.

 

 

:iagree:

[dancer67]

:iagree:

 

If the situation was reversed and it was your dh's sister being physically abused by her husband (instead of the wife abusing the husband,) I'd be willing to bet some serious money that no one in the family would ever speak to the abusive husband again, and would fully support the woman in her quest for full custody of the children.

 

Why does the SIL get a pass on this? Is it just because she's a woman, and because she's a woman, she would never hurt anyone else? :confused:

 

Because an abuser is an abuser, regardless of their sex.

 

I am totally not getting the support for the SIL, at all, and I can absolutely understand why the MIL (and the rest of the family) would be siding against her. Why would anyone support the abuser?

 

What am I missing here? There has to be more to this story than we are hearing.

 

 

Yeppp..........:iagree:

 

This is what I have been hearing from my MIL. And I said this in my last post. It would be pretty hypocrtitcal of me(or my daughter) to give my SIL a free pass on this.

 

She beat him pretty badly. I actually witnessed two attacks, and my BIL never laid a hand on her. He walked away. She would only do this when she was drinking. No excuse I know. Never an esxcue for any physical abuse.

 

One night they had a party, she had to much to drink. She punched him in the nose. The took a bat and started breaking on the new railing he had just put up.

 

The second time was when they went away for the weekend. Again, she was drinking(She probably has/had a drinking problem). He was talking with another girl, and she flipped and she started beating the snots out of him. Security called the police and she was jailed down there. That is when he had enough, left her in jail, and filed for legal seperation. He even said if she went and got some help and proved that she was going to change, they could start dating again, and take things slow, go to marriage counseling. She wouldn't do it.

 

She wanted him to immediately do marriage counseling and he said no wat. Go to anger management classes, AA, and prove to me you want this. If you do then we can start slowly. When she got nast then started using her kids as pawns, he filed for divorce. The filed for full custody, which was denied. They have 50/50 custody with him paying child support.

 

So I can see now, that it wouldn't be right to have her around. Just because she is a woman, doesn't mean she should get a free pass.

[SunnyDays]

I can understand that there is a lot of bitterness all the way around, and that you're feeling a sense of loss of not only a family member but a friend. However, I have to say that I'd be very cautious about my daughter still wanting to be close with her. I'm not saying they can't ever speak again, but perhaps it's best to let some time pass. (ETA: based on your most recent post right above this one, I feel even more strongly about that. A drinking problem and an anger problem together do not a good role model make...)

 

I have to say, I can see where your MIL is coming from too. If my son's future wife were abusive to him, you can bet I'd have some pretty strong feelings and not want her around.

 

Hopefully, regardless of who is invited or who shows up, your daughter will have a wonderful performance.

[dancer67]

Wow, the pressure on all sides is tremendous.

 

Try to remember under all that anger there is a lot of grieving going on. I think you recognize that and feel it too. :grouphug:

 

Grieving and forgiveness have a process, and everyone is floating somewhere different in the cycle. I wish you and your daughter the best.

 

Good luck to her also on her performance and celebrating all her hard work.

 

 

Thank you.

 

And her and I will be dancing together for tap. (Beginner as she has never tapped before, and nether have I)

 

But she has danced for ever 15 years, and all the rest of her dances are in the pre-professional levels, plus she will be doing a solo, and she taught her own Jazz class this year. It is a big year for her.

 

Thank you all so much for the advice so far. Sometimes it is easier to see more clearly on this when others point out certain things.:grouphug:

[dancer67]

And if the Hive doesn't mind, I would love to post a few of her dances on here for you to see. She will have a bigger audience,(and no fighting)....:lol:

[Bang!Zoom!]

Oh boy, that's just awful. I guess having experienced and surprised by the actions of alcoholics I would not invite her, and share later in person.

 

That does add a layer to the whole thing, you can't rule out her showing up and destroying the event or ...ugh, worse things.

 

In sympathy to her, I hope that SIL gets some help and heals completely. I've seen folks who the world gave up on become well again, and even become champions and leaders, amazing parents, mothers and healers of the forgotten.

 

The situation is loaded with potential problems in the mix. It may be wise to diffuse.

[Catwoman]

Yeppp..........:iagree:

 

This is what I have been hearing from my MIL. And I said this in my last post. It would be pretty hypocrtitcal of me(or my daughter) to give my SIL a free pass on this.

 

She beat him pretty badly. I actually witnessed two attacks, and my BIL never laid a hand on her. He walked away. She would only do this when she was drinking. No excuse I know. Never an esxcue for any physical abuse.

 

One night they had a party, she had to much to drink. She punched him in the nose. The took a bat and started breaking on the new railing he had just put up.

 

The second time was when they went away for the weekend. Again, she was drinking(She probably has/had a drinking problem). He was talking with another girl, and she flipped and she started beating the snots out of him. Security called the police and she was jailed down there. That is when he had enough, left her in jail, and filed for legal seperation. He even said if she went and got some help and proved that she was going to change, they could start dating again, and take things slow, go to marriage counseling. She wouldn't do it.

 

She wanted him to immediately do marriage counseling and he said no wat. Go to anger management classes, AA, and prove to me you want this. If you do then we can start slowly. When she got nast then started using her kids as pawns, he filed for divorce. The filed for full custody, which was denied. They have 50/50 custody with him paying child support.

 

So I can see now, that it wouldn't be right to have her around. Just because she is a woman, doesn't mean she should get a free pass.

 

Thanks for the explanation -- I think it's important for your dd to know that your SIL could be a danger to her, because you can't always tell when someone has been drinking, and you don't always know what will set off a person's temper. What if your SIL suddenly got annoyed with your dd for something? Sure, she's 19 and not a little kid, but it sounds like your SIL gets completely out of control and will use a weapon if she has one handy. Your dd could be seriously hurt.

 

There's no way I'd want my kid to be anywhere near a person like that. Honestly, while I'm sure she also has a warm and fuzzy side, the woman sounds like she's also an irrational, raging lunatic.

Edited May 10, 2012 by Catwoman

[Catwoman]

And if the Hive doesn't mind, I would love to post a few of her dances on here for you to see. She will have a bigger audience,(and no fighting)....:lol:

 

I would love that!!!!!!!! :thumbup:

 

I'm so sorry this BIL/SIL thing is messing up her anticipation of a big event. This should be nothing but fun and exciting for her. :(

[SunnyDays]

And if the Hive doesn't mind, I would love to post a few of her dances on here for you to see. She will have a bigger audience,(and no fighting)....:lol:

 

Definitely!! :)

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

My DH's brother and wife were officially divorced yesterday after being married 13 years, and being seperated for a year. They have 3 dc. 6,9,and 12.

 

I was very close to my SIL. But it was a nasty divorce and my SIL would call me and try pit me against DH's brother so finally I had to tell her to please stop calling me and talking about what supposedly my husbands brother was "doing to her".

 

Fast forward. My kids, who are 21, 19, and 13 were very close to their aunt.

 

Esp my 19 yo daughter. My SIL is young, only 31. My BIL is young at 32. My husband is 45, and I am 44 so there is quite an age difference between the four of us, but it never mattered or interfered with our relationship. We would all hang out together quite a bit.

 

My 19 yo daughter has a dance recital coming up. She would like her aunt AND uncle to go. But, my BIL will NOT go if she goes.

 

My MIL(BIL mother), feels that since my BIL is my DH's brother, that he should be invited and NOT my SIL, because BIL is blood family. And SIL is only aunt by marriage and is really not blood related. So my BIL feelings should come first.

 

Uggghhhh................My 19 yo is very torn and upset over this.

 

You would think that BOTH of them would grow up, and realize there are going to be events involving their own children where they have no choice but to be in the same room together. My MIL rebuttal to that is that those are their children they created together. This is not the same thing. We are talking about a niece. Not their children.

 

I JUST went through this when my 19 yo graduated from high school last year. I invited both of them. My SIL came, and my BIL did not. I find out afterwards that my BIL was ticked that I even invited her, because I was supposed to know that after everything she did to him(She was a physical abuser to him), I should have known not to invite her as he was so angry and hurt by what she did to him, he could not stand to be anywhere near her. So he didn't come. My MIL gave me a long lecture as to why my BIL had a right to be ticked at me. Because BIL, once again, is blood. And SIL is not.

 

So, here we go again. My 19 yo WANTS her aunt to go. My BIL has a new girlfriend,(she actually used to be my SIL very dear friend). And If my daughter invites both, I know my BIL will be ticked once again. And I am going to catch he** from my mil, and the rest of DH's family.

 

What to do? Advice? I don't know what to tell my daughter.

 

Based on the bolded alone I would have cut off relations with the SIL. Especially if I had daughters; and would invite the BIL only.

 

That being said, this is a 19 year old adult's recital. She should be the one making the decision. I would not advise her, but make her make the decision on her own.

 

(I have not read any of the other replies.)

[myfunnybunch]

I was leaning toward "DD should invite whomever she darn well pleases," until I read that SIL was abusive toward BIL.

 

No wonder he refuses to go if she goes.

 

He is a part of your family. No one should have to sit in the room with his or her former abuser. I'm with your MIL...if the situation was reversed, it would be a no-brainer, and no one would even think to question why the SIL didn't want to sit in the same room with the BIL. Abuse is abuse.

 

I agree that since your dd is close to SIL, it would be lovely if she invited her to tea or invited her over to watch the video.

 

Cat

[Jean in Newcastle]

I was leaning toward "DD should invite whomever she darn well pleases," until I read that SIL was abusive toward BIL.

 

No wonder he refuses to go if she goes.

 

He is a part of your family. No one should have to sit in the room with his or her former abuser. I'm with your MIL...if the situation was reversed, it would be a no-brainer, and no one would even think to question why the SIL didn't want to sit in the same room with the BIL. Abuse is abuse.

 

I agree that since your dd is close to SIL, it would be lovely if she invited her to tea or invited her over to watch the video.

 

Cat

 

:iagree:

[ktgrok]

She abused him physically? Why on EARTH would you want your daughter around that???

[dancer67]

Okay. You ladies have made me feel SOOOOOO much better. What a weight off my shoulders. THANK YOU!:grouphug:

 

I am going to sit down with my 19 yo daughter and explain all of this to her. She will not be mad. I know she will understand. She hates change so I am sure she will not be overly thrilled. But she will be okay with it, and there are quite a few people attending.

 

And of course proud Mama will be glad to link you to her dances. Recital isn't until June. So when that comes around, I will put up a link to them.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[dancer67]

She abused him physically? Why on EARTH would you want your daughter around that???

 

:iagree:

 

I wasn't even thinking it through. My bad. And I agree. Thanks to all of you who have pointed this out to me. I guess I was being a hypocrite.:sad:

 

No, I wouldn't want my daughter around someone like that.

[Impish]

*haven't read other responses*

 

You're asking the victim of domestic violence to be in a social situation w/an abuser.

 

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

 

Sorry, but abuse cancels everything, imo.

[Harriet Vane]

I am with your mil on this one. Your loyalty as a family is to dh's brother, unless he is a pedophile or abusive. Do not invite ex-sil.

[Harriet Vane]

*haven't read other responses*

 

You're asking the victim of domestic violence to be in a social situation w/an abuser.

 

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

 

Sorry, but abuse cancels everything, imo.

 

Having read more of the thread, I am even more vehement in support of bil.

 

There is NO WAY I would ever socialize with that woman again, and I would make sure my children were/are crystal clear on exactly why. She drinks too much and beats people. She is dangerous and will hurt anyone who comes near her.

[Kathryn]

I see you've already realized the right thing in this situation is not to invite the woman. Yes, your daughter is an adult, but she needs to realize what she's doing here. It has nothing to do with blood, it has to do with alcoholism and domestic violence/physical abuse. As has been pointed out, there's NO WAY that this would be an issue if the genders were reversed. This person physically abused their spouse on multiple occasions in front of others. I can only imagine what must have gone on behind closed doors. To ask the victim to "get over it" and socialize with their abuser just adds another layer of abuse. To side with the abuser over your own family member does as well. To speak about his trying to gain custody of his children with whatever resources he could as if he were taking advantage of her is sickening. I'm sure that he feared what could happen to his children if she were alone with them when she was drinking and got angry. I'm frankly really concerned that you and your daughter weren't able to see these issues.

[Catwoman]

:iagree:

 

I wasn't even thinking it through. My bad. And I agree. Thanks to all of you who have pointed this out to me. I guess I was being a hypocrite.:sad:

 

No, I wouldn't want my daughter around someone like that.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

It's often very difficult to see things clearly when you're right in the middle of it. It's much easier to be on the outside and say, "Well, here's what you should do..."

 

I think most of us have been in situations in the past where others have stopped us and said, "HELLO! What are you thinking???" :tongue_smilie:

[MindyD]

They just got divorced. I think your daughter has to understand that emotions are high right now. If it's between her uncle and ex-aunt, the uncle gets to go. Divorce sucks for everyone. And that's not even taking into account that the ex was abusive.

[Scarlett]

My DH's brother and wife were officially divorced yesterday after being married 13 years, and being seperated for a year. They have 3 dc. 6,9,and 12.

 

I was very close to my SIL. But it was a nasty divorce and my SIL would call me and try pit me against DH's brother so finally I had to tell her to please stop calling me and talking about what supposedly my husbands brother was "doing to her".

 

Fast forward. My kids, who are 21, 19, and 13 were very close to their aunt.

 

Esp my 19 yo daughter. My SIL is young, only 31. My BIL is young at 32. My husband is 45, and I am 44 so there is quite an age difference between the four of us, but it never mattered or interfered with our relationship. We would all hang out together quite a bit.

 

My 19 yo daughter has a dance recital coming up. She would like her aunt AND uncle to go. But, my BIL will NOT go if she goes.

 

My MIL(BIL mother), feels that since my BIL is my DH's brother, that he should be invited and NOT my SIL, because BIL is blood family. And SIL is only aunt by marriage and is really not blood related. So my BIL feelings should come first.

 

Uggghhhh................My 19 yo is very torn and upset over this.

 

You would think that BOTH of them would grow up, and realize there are going to be events involving their own children where they have no choice but to be in the same room together. My MIL rebuttal to that is that those are their children they created together. This is not the same thing. We are talking about a niece. Not their children.

 

I JUST went through this when my 19 yo graduated from high school last year. I invited both of them. My SIL came, and my BIL did not. I find out afterwards that my BIL was ticked that I even invited her, because I was supposed to know that after everything she did to him(She was a physical abuser to him), I should have known not to invite her as he was so angry and hurt by what she did to him, he could not stand to be anywhere near her. So he didn't come. My MIL gave me a long lecture as to why my BIL had a right to be ticked at me. Because BIL, once again, is blood. And SIL is not.

 

So, here we go again. My 19 yo WANTS her aunt to go. My BIL has a new girlfriend,(she actually used to be my SIL very dear friend). And If my daughter invites both, I know my BIL will be ticked once again. And I am going to catch he** from my mil, and the rest of DH's family.

 

What to do? Advice? I don't know what to tell my daughter.

 

Well, I am going through this somewhat so I willl give you my 2 cents.

 

 

First of all Dear Abby advice will be to invite whomever and let them decide to come or not. Sounds all new age grown up, but it isn't real life IMO.

 

Your dd is 19 and so old enough to understand the dynamics of divorce. The fact is that family unit is fractured and will never be the same. IMO, her blood unlce wins unless he is some sort of total loser. (which doesn't sound like the case). It is a hard lesson to learn but it is reality.

 

I would be DEVASTATED if I were your BIL and my abuser XW was invited to family events as if she had done NOTHING wrong. (I have a post going right now about this very thing in my own life).

 

This is lesson 101 on reasons why to avoid divorce. :(