ADHD, adoption and institutionalization--I'm feeling down

[Kay in Cal]

OK... I have an acquaintence. Actually a former employee. She recently (about a year and a half ago) adopted three children. Ran into her today.

 

The youngest child is now 7, and has been institutionalized since shortly after he was adopted. The older two (boy 11 and girl 9) are living at home with her and her husband. Why did they institutionalize the youngest child? He has ADHD, and in her words "has a hard time sitting still and controlling himself". She talked about how busy he was, how she just couldn't handle it... "he sometimes spun in circles!". Well, yeah. Duh! She and her husband are in their 50s, newly married and have never been parents before--but to institutionalize a child for ADHD? One that little? She said that "they" had been able to "clear that behavior up"... ummm... isn't her job?

 

Now I understand that having an active little boy with ADHD is a lot. I have one myself. But I simply can't imagine that they allow someone to adopt a child and then send them to an institution! My heart is breaking to think of this little boy, who hoped he was going with his older brother and sister to a "forever home" being rejected like that. And what must the older two think? Of course they toe the line--be hyper and you get sent away!

 

This is none of my business. I don't know her well, and don't see her any more, though she works for my denomination and I do occasionally talk to her on the phone. I've been busy this week at our Methodist conference, and haven't had time to be on the board. But I logged on because I just needed to vent. I know it is none of my business by I can't stop thinking about this little boy and I feel... sad and sick and powerless.

[Brigitte]

Oh, how sad.

[ChristusG]

That is NOT a good reason to send a child away. ADHD? Yes, I'm sure he is hard to handle, but they should have been prepared for just about anything when they signed up to adopt older kids. I would think that ADHD is one of the more milder problems they could have, since I have heard about things such as reactive attachment disorder and things like that.

 

That poor child....I'm sure his life has been difficult enough as it is....but then to be seperated from the only family he knows, his siblings. Sad, sad.

[dragons in the flower bed]

My heart is breaking to think of this little boy, who hoped he was going with his older brother and sister to a "forever home" being rejected like that.

 

My heart too. How sad.

[hsmom]

That is so sad. It just makes you want to slap them! Then go get that poor boy and bring him home!

[Georgie]

takes a child for ADHD? I didn't think there was a place. Extreme mental disorders yes, but ADHD? I know these children can be difficult, but still, I wouldn't consider them the type for an institution.

[Lisa at Home]

:crying:

 

Why would an institution be allowed to take a child for such a minor issue? Isn't there some sort of process? Can anyone have a child institutionalized just because they want to? Could there be some part of this story that she isn't telling you?

 

It's just too horrible to think of a child being institutionalized for something so, so....common?

 

~Lisa

[hsmom]

Sadly to say I think like most places there are in it for the money. Now it might not be and institution like you are thinking. It could be a youth treatment center, group home, or a place like that.

[Carol in Cal.]

It makes me wonder whether there is actually something else much more serious going on, though. Is that possible? Maybe she was using ADHD as a euphemism for something else. I have never heard of anyone being institutionalized for ADHD.

 

Maybe he is bipolar or deeply autistic or has OCD. Those are not always grounds for institutionalization, but they do require a great deal of monitoring and medication at times, and I have heard of kids being hospitalized for a few weeks while the medication was adjusted, to make sure that it doesn't have serious side effects.

 

I sure hope that the little guy finds himself in a loving home really soon. This sounds terribly sad.

[*anj*]

That is really, really sad. That poor little boy. :crying:

[hsmom]

 

I sure hope that the little guy finds himself in a loving home really soon. This sounds terribly sad.

 

I fully agree with you.

[abbeyej]

I find this almost inconceivable. It makes me wonder whether there is actually something else much more serious going on, though. Is that possible? ...

 

That was my first thought... Maybe she means ADHD + FAE/S or ADHD + bipolar or ADHD + RAD or... Surely there's something more going on than that?!? (Perhaps something big but difficult to diagnose because of so much going on?)

 

I just can't imagine. So I'd like to assume that we're just missing some huge part of the puzzle.

[Robin Hood]

I am not saying it's right or that I agree with what she did, but being over 50 and adopting 3 kids for the 1st time without having had any of her own before....she had no idea what she was in for. Waaaaay too much for a 50yo to handle. She needs to see a doctor about her own health needs so she can calmly handle the little fellow. Women in their 50's aren't a lot different from girls beginning puberty, they are just way out of countrol hormonally themselves for handling 3 youngsters. My prayers are for them all.

[summer]

It really is not none of your business. She shared it with you.

 

Honestly, I wonder if people stop acting accepting of such horrid behavior like this woman has done, if people would think twice about their behavior. That is just sooo horrible!!!

 

In reality, this woman just sounds like an awful parent who would turn around and go home saying you just don't get it..when I can see you clearly do. What makes me mad is that any place took this young child without turning her in to authorities and considering finding a new forever home for all 3.

[Laurie4b]

I agree with you that it is wrong. Is it really none of your business when this happens in the church?

[Laurie4b]

I realize that could have sounded snarky. I didn't mean it that way. I meant it as something to reflect on.

[Sue G in PA]

I agree w/ other posters that there MUST have been more to this than him having ADHD. Her reference to him "Sitting and spinning in circles" sent up red flags that he might be on the autism spectrum somewhere. My Asperger + kid is difficult to handle at times, but to send him away simple b/c it's too difficult? Unheard of. Never. Couldn't do it. I'm praying for this woman and this little boy. Poor child.

[2cents]

It makes me wonder whether there is actually something else much more serious going on, though. Is that possible? Maybe she was using ADHD as a euphemism for something else. I have never heard of anyone being institutionalized for ADHD.

 

Maybe he is bipolar or deeply autistic or has OCD. Those are not always grounds for institutionalization, but they do require a great deal of monitoring and medication at times, and I have heard of kids being hospitalized for a few weeks while the medication was adjusted, to make sure that it doesn't have serious side effects.

 

I sure hope that the little guy finds himself in a loving home really soon. This sounds terribly sad.

 

This is what I was thinking. I want to think that it had to be more and maybe she just didn't want to go into it all. I have a friend who had an adoption disruption for some severe problems. She has difficulty talking about it and deals with it daily. She lost many "friends" by not being able to fix the child and live up to others expectations. I used to be very self-assured in my parenting ability and somewhat judgemental until I experienced some of this friend's issues with her adopted child first hand. It was quite and eye-opener and I because of it I'll never presume to know what others are or should be capable of dealing with. In the end, she found a much more appropriate placement and the child did better. Sometimes being the best parent is knowing when to let go of pride and seek good solutions. I hope all works out for your friend and that child.

[Denisemomof4]

so there's definitely more to the story. And she's probably not talking about it because unless you've adopted and lived it yourself, you simply would likely not understand.

 

I know this, because I raised 3 kids and then adopted. Very, very few people understand what's going on in our home. Our daughter has everyone fooled. She's the sweetest, most loving child while in the company of others, and then can be quite awful at home. She causes terrible stress in our family and most people don't understand and think everything I speak of is normal. They tell her all the time how cute she is and what a good girl she is, not knowing that they're feeding into her problem.

 

There is a condition called Reactive Attachment Disorder, or RAD. Most kids with this disorder are diagnosed with ADHD and PTSD. They are some of the most difficult children on the earth to parent. There are days when I feel I've gotten myself in waaaaaaaaaay over my head and I feel that I can't deal with her. And there are days when I wish we never adopted, because of what it's done to our other kids. We're making progress, ever so slowly.

 

Please don't look down on this woman. I'm sure it was NOT an easy decision to institutionalize her child. It must have been heartbreaking. Being in the adoption community myself, I can see that for her it may be easier not to talk about it because most people wouldn't understand. Adoptive parents LOVE to talk to other adoptive parents, because then they truly know they're speaking with someone who GETS IT.

 

I hope and pray that little boy is happy.

 

Denise

[Michelle T]

Sheesh, my DS sometimes spins around, jumps around, bounces up and down, never stops talking, forgets everything, drops stuff, and just generally can be a real pest. But I've never even THOUGHT of sending him to an institution!

 

Did they really want the children, or was there some other reason for adoption?

Michelle T

[swellmomma]

There was talk when my son was 5 from the dr's wanting to institutionalize him. We did admit him for 2 weeks to work on meds but I have not left him long term. He has severe adhd. ADHD can be severe enough that institutionalizing is the best choice. Due to my son's adhd, he sets fires, runs away anytime of day and night, jumps off the roof, has very very violent outbursts, at 5 he was torturing the pets. I thought I was going to have to give him up. Instead he was in for 2 weeks to figure out meds, and down the line I quit working f/t etc to keep him home. I can see people in their 50s being unable to handle a child like that. For the record he has been turning into an amazing young man, but the last (almost) 10 years have taken a toll on me, physically and emotionally trying to help him. Adhd is not always a minor little issue. In our family he must take 2 meds daily for the rest of his life, this is a life and death situation not just for him but for others if he does not. If I wasn't so stubborn to prove the "professionals" wrong about his potential in life and that he has something to offer I may have given in years ago when it was suggested.

 

I think it is so sad that this boy needed to be institutionalized, especially right after finally having a family, but adhd is not always an inocuous disorder.

[Jean in Newcastle]

There was talk when my son was 5 from the dr's wanting to institutionalize him. We did admit him for 2 weeks to work on meds but I have not left him long term. He has severe adhd. ADHD can be severe enough that institutionalizing is the best choice. Due to my son's adhd, he sets fires, runs away anytime of day and night, jumps off the roof, has very very violent outbursts, at 5 he was torturing the pets. I thought I was going to have to give him up. Instead he was in for 2 weeks to figure out meds, and down the line I quit working f/t etc to keep him home. I can see people in their 50s being unable to handle a child like that. For the record he has been turning into an amazing young man, but the last (almost) 10 years have taken a toll on me, physically and emotionally trying to help him. Adhd is not always a minor little issue. In our family he must take 2 meds daily for the rest of his life, this is a life and death situation not just for him but for others if he does not. If I wasn't so stubborn to prove the "professionals" wrong about his potential in life and that he has something to offer I may have given in years ago when it was suggested.

 

I think it is so sad that this boy needed to be institutionalized, especially right after finally having a family, but adhd is not always an inocuous disorder.

 

Thank you for sharing this story. This really does put things into better perspective. I think that both the adoptive parents, the siblings and the boy involved all need some long-term prayers.

[Mamasteff]

It makes me wonder whether there is actually something else much more serious going on, though. Is that possible? Maybe she was using ADHD as a euphemism for something else. I have never heard of anyone being institutionalized for ADHD.

 

Maybe he is bipolar or deeply autistic or has OCD. Those are not always grounds for institutionalization, but they do require a great deal of monitoring and medication at times, and I have heard of kids being hospitalized for a few weeks while the medication was adjusted, to make sure that it doesn't have serious side effects.

 

I sure hope that the little guy finds himself in a loving home really soon. This sounds terribly sad.

 

This is exactly what I was thinking... some families just don't feel they can share everything, and even if it is not her bio kid, there is sometimes family shame at not having "perfect" children (especially given her age). Maybe it is something else that most people just don't understand, so as a family they have decided to say "It's ADHD." To adopt a child at that age - there is the possibility of major anger issues, attachment issues, and more... let alone what might have been going on in his little life before being adopted. Who knows if biomom gave him the best environment, in the womb and once born?? And if they did not institutionalize this one, would the others have been at risk of harm??

[Melinda in VT]

I have a relative who sent one of her adopted children to a group home for about 1.5 years (maybe longer). The child has recently returned home and we are all hopeful things will go better this time.

 

Domestic violence and abuse is not always parent to child. Sometimes it can be child to parent. I absolutely believe that there are situations in which the best thing for all concerned--adopted child, parents, and other siblings--is to remove the child from the home.

[hsmom]

There was talk when my son was 5 from the dr's wanting to institutionalize him. We did admit him for 2 weeks to work on meds but I have not left him long term. He has severe adhd. ADHD can be severe enough that institutionalizing is the best choice. Due to my son's adhd, he sets fires, runs away anytime of day and night, jumps off the roof, has very very violent outbursts, at 5 he was torturing the pets. I thought I was going to have to give him up. Instead he was in for 2 weeks to figure out meds, and down the line I quit working f/t etc to keep him home. I can see people in their 50s being unable to handle a child like that. For the record he has been turning into an amazing young man, but the last (almost) 10 years have taken a toll on me, physically and emotionally trying to help him. Adhd is not always a minor little issue. In our family he must take 2 meds daily for the rest of his life, this is a life and death situation not just for him but for others if he does not. If I wasn't so stubborn to prove the "professionals" wrong about his potential in life and that he has something to offer I may have given in years ago when it was suggested.

 

I think it is so sad that this boy needed to be institutionalized, especially right after finally having a family, but adhd is not always an inocuous disorder.

 

Yes, thank you for sharing. I commend you for not giving up.

 

 

I have a nephew like this, everyone just kept giving up on him and not trying. I was and am just as upset with them as in this situation. Every person deserves someone to try to help them when they cannot do it themselves. JMO

[Kay in Cal]

What a blessing that you are such a good mommy to your son!

 

I guess that's part of what really catches me about this. I know that ADHD isn't "innocuous". I do have a son with severe ADHD, SID and is likely even be on the autism spectrum. Those who've been around for some years might remember some stories over the years that I wont retell--but just in December we had the "foot through the window" incident--dozens of stitches in his leg.

 

Yes my son has challenges which require constant vigilance. Yes he (in the words of one psychiatrist) will take "a lot of parenting". But he's also God's gift to us and an amazing little boy. Shortly before I ran into this lady, my ds had been on the phone telling me how much he missed me and loved me and was sending hugs and kisses. So I'll hold him through those outbursts and struggle with doctors and labels and looks from others--because he's my son and I love him unconditionally. Eternally. Bountifully. They'd have to pry him from our arms to get him away from dh and I, though we may be ripping our hair out in frustration half the time. And he's blooming... maybe slower, maybe different, but he's blooming.

 

I know that there are parents who abuse their children, there probably are parents who don't love thier children... we see horror stories every day. But I know people who have adopted or have blended families who have been able to provide that love that is the right of every child. I guess abuse of an "unwanted" biological child even makes more sense in some terrible way--people can and do become pregnant accidentally, and maybe they never wanted that child and never had love for them. But to ADOPT a child you have to intentionally seek them out, choose them, spend time and energy and effort to demonstrate that you really want to be a parent. I've always thought that adoptive parents would be more loving, intentional, and determined. More likely to give it all it takes to raise a challenging child that they chose to open thier hearts and homes to.

 

I walked away from my conversation with her feeling like she had indeed given up, and did not have love for this child--maybe mild concern, interest, but that passionate mama love that I experience, and I "see" in you around this board. I know... my mantra is "I don't know the whole story." I really do pray I'm wrong. I had a hard time sleeping last night trying to get this right in my mind. I'm striving towards understanding, but not sure I'm going to make it, today anyhow.

 

Funny how I can forgive all kind of sin and hurt, but anything with a child just pushes my buttons big time.

 

Thanks for listening, friends.

[cin]

Two things, first off, before I can say anything about the parents I want more information. The boy was 7 when adopted? Is it domestic or foreign? If foreign, how well does he know English? And what country was he from? How are the orphanages there? If there is a language barrier in addition to other problems, then it could seem almost insurmountable.

 

I know of a case similar to this. A little boy who was very sweet on his visit here. He was 4 years old. The paperwork took a long while, and during that time he turned 5 and was moved to the 'Boys' orphanage. NOT a good place to be the youngest. After 2+ years he finally came to his 'forever' home. He did not speak English and had a little bit of attachment issues, not necessarily severe enough to be "attachment Disorder". The parents had 2 birth children, both girls. So in addition to the language and trust issues, they all of a sudden had a 7 yr old BOY in their midst. After 5 years, some in residential treatment centers, some in psychiatric centers, the family is trying to get the county to take him. All he really needed was love.

[HomeOnTheRanch]

:iagree:

What the others have said. There is more to the story. I can imagine that people have gone away from conversations with my mother with the same reaction you had. Over 11 years ago they started fostering 4 half-sibs, adopted 3 years later, and the oldest (17) is now away at a special school/institution (he's been there 3-4 years). There is A LOT more to the story, but most folks don't have the time or interest to hear the entire story...it's a doozy. Sending him away was not a decision that was made lightly (understatement), but it was in the best interest of all four of the kids for him to be in a different environment. He's thriving now, and all are being prepared for his return home when he turns 18. Living on his own may or may not ever be an option.

 

Many more details, but there is not time nor space to put it all here. Be thankful your son has the parents he has :001_smile: and pray that the other family is doing everything in the best interest of all their children.

[emzhengjiu]

Wow! Reactions such as many of these are why I never speak of my daughters' issues to anyone who doesn't "walk the walk." No reputable institution is going to admit a child with only ADHD. She likely isn't giving full details because they are personal and painful to her family. I feel deeply for the child but I also feel deeply for the parents. Please be very careful before you decide this mom is a terrible mom. She very well may be facing issues with her child that you can't even imagine! It is one of the loneliness places a parent can find themselves and one of the most painful and frightening.

 

Judy

[Tammyla]

I agree. There must be more or something is horribly wrong with the situation. Placing a person or child into an institution for this should be criminal.

 

That was my first thought... Maybe she means ADHD + FAE/S or ADHD + bipolar or ADHD + RAD or... Surely there's something more going on than that?!? (Perhaps something big but difficult to diagnose because of so much going on?)

 

I just can't imagine. So I'd like to assume that we're just missing some huge part of the puzzle.

[Kay in Cal]

These are children from our local area--born here in Los Angeles, English speaking, he was 6 when he was adopted. The parents found them at an adoption fair. I do believe they spent some time in the foster system, but I don't know how long they were with the birth parents (if at all).

 

I worked hard on myself and prayed about this a lot this morning at church, and came to a decision. The best thing that I can do for this family is to be a resource for them. As much as I might disapprove of her choices, disapproval isn't going to help these kids. So maybe she will want to respond, maybe not, but I thought I'd send an invitational email (take her out to lunch?) since we "have boys the same age who struggle with ADHD". I may not make much of a difference in this particular boy's life, but perhaps by offering some support and experience to his new mom (who, based on lots of stuff like prior knowledge of her, and the tone, facial expression & things she said) I continue to believe is not dealing with this well. In the past I had found her to be an emotionally fragile person, and I'm sure she's overwhelmed... so I'm going to work hard, HARD, to not judge but to offer assistance. And maybe some alternative ideas, when that is appropriate.

 

Pray for this family, please!

 

Thanks all for listening...

[starlashine]

That is horribly sad. You are a better woman than I. I would not have been able to keep my mouth shut and would have probably made disparaging comments to that woman. She so has no business adopting a set of children and then institutionalizing one of them. I am sad for those children.

[Denisemomof4]

That is horribly sad. You are a better woman than I. I would not have been able to keep my mouth shut and would have probably made disparaging comments to that woman. She so has no business adopting a set of children and then institutionalizing one of them. I am sad for those children.

 

 

Your anger would have been misplaced. This woman was likely mislead about the condition of these kids. This happens ALL the time, both in foster agencies and adoption agencies. There's a woman who lives a couple miles from me and the agencies lied to her about the condition of ALL of her foster children. She's worked her way through it all, having to send two boys to live in group homes, boys she's had for 14 and 15 years. She's my age but looks MUCH older, looks VERY tired, and is very much out of shape. Her home has been destroyed, she's been physically attacked by these LARGE teenage boys, her life is a mess. All because she wanted to help foster children after she raised 3 bio kids successfully. Everyone has limits. Most foster children are very, very scarred and need an entire different level of parenting. Many of them are dangerous. I don't know if this woman who was the topic of the original thread was fully informed. Again, agencies misrepresent the kids all the time. THEY are at fault here. IF the agencies were honest, the prospective parents could better prepare.

 

For my situation, our agency misrepresented the facts. They specifically told us, and many others, that kids from China do very well. Only after the fact have I found so many others like me. I had NO idea this could happen. What bothers me most is the affects it's had on my family. And if our agency had been upfront and honest, I would have been getting help for a FOURTEEN MONTH OLD, and NOT a five and a half year old. The years I didn't know what was going on were the best years for me to help her heal in a lasting way. I completely blame the agency for this. They should have warned me, and EVERY prospective adoptive parent, what to look for if there were problems, and where to go from there.

 

PLEASE do not judge someone when you do NOT know what's really going on. I used to look at children who misbehaved and didn't understand why a parent wouldn't discipline or stop the negative behavior. Boy do I see through different eyes now.

 

Denise

[Becki in IN]

Kay, many kids with RAD are dx ADHD initially. My dd has the inhibitive type of RAD and she has lived with us since she was 13 mos. old. Life before she came here was a NIGHTMARE. The stress we live with is crushing.

 

Try not to be too judgmental of these people. You haven't lived in their shoes.

[Laurie4b]

The one thing I would say about the "seeking" the children through adoption is that all too often adoption agencies aren't honest about what the parents may be facing. Not everyone can run a "treatment center" in their home for years for a child with whom they haven't bonded. You were bonded with your son for 9 months before you ever saw him. The bonding is one aspect. Being truthfully prepared by the adoption agency is another aspect. It's quite possible that had this woman been told the full facts of what she might be facing she would not have proceeded with the adoption. Some of your energy might be directed toward "full disclosure" by adoption agencies.

 

It is not uncommon for families to not be able to cope with the severe behaviors of a child who has been in a system (either foreign or domestic) for years. I honestly came to believe through seeing some of these cases over the years in children's mental health, and through having a foster son who was over-the-top (who was placed with a bio relative from our home without any preparation and kicked out in 3 months) that the best thing for some children is a longterm institutiional setting like a well-run orphanage. Some kids actually do better without the pressure to bond; it's too scary for them, and they can do okay in a group setting where there isn't the constant expectation of intimacy. We think of love as the best thing out there, but for some, the fear that love will be withdrawn if they dare to trust is so severe that they will do anything to get out of that. They are terrified of intimacy and bonding, but can partake of less intense, but still caring relationships with others. That's not the politically correct point of view in children's mental health, but it's what I came to believe. I saw heartbreak & guilt in parents who couldn't go on, sometimes because the child with the problems was threatening their other kids. I saw kids who didn't seem to have the desire nor the capacity to connect on that level, no matter what therapy was tried. I know of one adopted at age 7 whose mom realized she could never have more kids after adopting him. He was an only, got the very best treatment and parenting and there never was a happy ending.

[Kari C in SC]

so there's definitely more to the story. And she's probably not talking about it because unless you've adopted and lived it yourself, you simply would likely not understand.

 

I know this, because I raised 3 kids and then adopted. Very, very few people understand what's going on in our home. Our daughter has everyone fooled. She's the sweetest, most loving child while in the company of others, and then can be quite awful at home. She causes terrible stress in our family and most people don't understand and think everything I speak of is normal. They tell her all the time how cute she is and what a good girl she is, not knowing that they're feeding into her problem.

 

There is a condition called Reactive Attachment Disorder, or RAD. Most kids with this disorder are diagnosed with ADHD and PTSD. They are some of the most difficult children on the earth to parent. There are days when I feel I've gotten myself in waaaaaaaaaay over my head and I feel that I can't deal with her. And there are days when I wish we never adopted, because of what it's done to our other kids. We're making progress, ever so slowly.

 

Please don't look down on this woman. I'm sure it was NOT an easy decision to institutionalize her child. It must have been heartbreaking. Being in the adoption community myself, I can see that for her it may be easier not to talk about it because most people wouldn't understand. Adoptive parents LOVE to talk to other adoptive parents, because then they truly know they're speaking with someone who GETS IT.

 

I hope and pray that little boy is happy.

 

Denise

 

Thank you for writing this. I was just getting ready to type about RAD as well. My sil and bil adopted 3 children from Guatemala 5.5 years ago. They were 13 year old girl, 10 year old girl (sisters) and a 13 year old boy not related to the girls. They did everything they could to love and bring these kids into their home. The boy ended up stabbing my sil to death. There was no fight, no conflict. All the other kids besides my niece who was nearly 5 - were gone for the day. This adopted boy simply went and got a knife, walked down the hall and stabbed her to death. Then he got my little neice and showed her what happened. His diagnosis is Reactive Attachment Disorder. He still to this day does not show remorse. He will write a letter and ask how his dog is doing. He doesn't have attachment to people to realize that he took her life and took her from everyone. So, please don't assume that somebody just did this lightly. My bil and sil really didn't know there was anything wrong with this boy. It was only a couple weeks before this happened that he started saying he saw a demon, etc. It turns out he was planning to kill Debi and the neighbor lady for months. You just really don't know what another family is walking through and they may just really need prayers.

[Staci in MO]

Perhaps there's more to it that she's not telling.

 

I'm inclined to believe that there are a myriad of problems, but rather than explaining everything, she's just saying ADHD so she doesn't have to go into it.

[Oak Knoll Mom]

As much as I might disapprove of her choices, disapproval isn't going to help these kids. So maybe she will want to respond, maybe not, but I thought I'd send an invitational email (take her out to lunch?) since we "have boys the same age who struggle with ADHD". I may not make much of a difference in this particular boy's life, but perhaps by offering some support and experience to his new mom (who, based on lots of stuff like prior knowledge of her, and the tone, facial expression & things she said) I continue to believe is not dealing with this well. In the past I had found her to be an emotionally fragile person, and I'm sure she's overwhelmed... so I'm going to work hard, HARD, to not judge but to offer assistance. And maybe some alternative ideas, when that is appropriate.

 

**I say all this as gently and humbly as I can as someone who is walking through a very painful time with a friend in a similar situation.**

 

One of my friends has walked this path before. Her son was institutionalized for the first time at 7 and his only diagnosis at the time was ADHD and Oppositional Defiance Disorder. His diagnosis was changed to Bi-Polar and now he's labeled PTSD. He is now 10 and institutionalized.

 

I can't begin to tell you the pain and hurt she felt from people who judged her and disapproved of her "sending him away," but these people also didn't know that her son attempted to kill her while she slept, locked her out of the house and set fires while she waited for the police to get there, kicked a pregnant woman in the belly (ironically, her son's father kicked her in the belly while she was pregnant with him), had to be restrained for hours on end due to his attempts to hurt his siblings, and so many more dangerous behaviors that I couldn't even begin to attempt to list here.

 

My friend chose not to tell his whole story to most people because her hope is that one day he can come home and live a normal life. She doesn't want his past problems to color peoples opinions of him for the rest of his life. As a loving mother, she chooses to bear the condemnation so that he won't have to...that's real love.

 

If these parents have institutionalized their son, he has been evaluated by more professionals than you can shake a stick at. Institutions are so overcrowded, that many times kids are on waiting lists for months before they get a spot. It's not a decision that is taken lightly by parents or professionals.

 

Please go into any meeting you have with her with your ears and mind open. Remember that she has endured heartbreak and gut wrenching decisions and condemnation from people who don't know the whole story.