My mother makes me feel terrible about myself (Venting)

[Coffeetime]

I am not overweight.

 

I popped out 5 babies over 9 years, so I certainly don't look like I did when I was 20. (I actually was severely underweight most of my life, so that's not exactly a bad thing.)

But I CANNOT have a conversation with my mother that doesn't involve her giving me unsolicited dieting advice.

 

She is so focused on appearance. She looks at me and sees an elephant.

 

For what it's worth, I refuse to diet and I've been clear with her about that. It makes me cranky and makes me feel deprived. I eat healthy and I run. I don't love my body, mostly because of the aftermath of babies, but I think I have a pretty healthy attitude about it.

 

She did it again last night. She started telling me how if I want to burn fat while running I should eat a low or no carb diet. :confused: I told her that was exactly what I DIDN'T need to do when running, and that healthy, whole carbs are a runner's friend -especially before long runs. She tried to argue with me but I just told her (again) that I wasn't interested in dieting and changed the subject.

Well, this morning I get on the scale and I've gained 5 lbs. Like overnight.

I'm training for a half-marathon in May, I had one of my best long runs ever on Saturday, felt really great about it all day yesterday and now this.

I just had a meltdown.

I don't know why I let her get to me like this.

I don't normally even worry about my weight. I don't run to lose weight, I do it for myself. Because I love it. I love the sense of achievement I get from a good run. Why am I letting her take that away from me?

 

*Sigh* I never want to make my daughters feel this way.

Thanks for letting me vent. I needed that. :chillpill::chillpill:

 

(BTW-She's not a bad person or a bad mother. I think she's oblivious to how it makes me feel. She just is so completely focused on weight and appearance and always has been. I don't think I've ever known her to not be on a diet. Ever.)

[itsheresomewhere]

:grouphug:

 

 

I know exactly how you feel. Certain family members must be related.

[jallison25]

i've been there! My mother told me once that i wouldn't get so hot (in florida in the summer) once i lost weight:glare::glare::glare:. Gee, thanks mom! I reminded her that even when i was very thin i always ran hot.:001_huh:

[Parrothead]

I've had similar conversations with my own. You are not alone.

[zookeeper]

My MIL is the exact same way. My oldest dd is not small like me and I know MIL worries that she'll grow up and be FAT. She was always saying something about it. I finally had to tell her to STOP mentioning dd's weight or size. I had to be kinda rough with her because she tried to argue with me, but I've had enough! It's not healthy! (Yes, she would say things in front of dd!!) :glare:

 

Can you tell her that you don't want that subject brought up again? For the sake of your relationship? What would she say?

[Blueridge]

:grouphug: I would throw the scale away and concentrate on how great I felt instead.

[catz]

I personally think you're a rock star if you're training for a half marathon! :grouphug: I was tiny in my 20's too and now I'm definitely not. I run too. Life marches on. If you're healthy and active, then practice shutting her down the instant she starts. That is so unfair to you.

[Momof3littles]

Have you ever set firm boundaries for your mom? Just tell her you refuse to discuss dieting and weight with her any longer. Bring it up at a neutral time and tell her it is hurtful and it is damaging your relationship with her. The next time she does it, change the subject, and if she persists say "gotta go mom" and hang up. Rinse and repeat until she understands you aren't interested in going there with her.

 

:grouphug:

[Danestress]

I am always a proponent of picking a thing you will say in a situation that seems to repeat itself over and over. So I might decide to say (and I know this sounds sort of passive aggressive), "Mom, I know you are disappointed in how I look, but I didn't ask advice on how to change it." Or "Thanks for the unasked for advice, Mom." If you have a good relationship otherwise, it will withstand this. I wouldn't say something like this if your Mom is a drama queen, but I could do this with my own Mom because we have a generally good relationship.

 

I would not argue with her about the specifics of what she's advising. She's probably reading all the "low carb running" blogs right now to gather evidence against your statements, lol.

[Rebel]

Just a quick fyi - I always 2-3 pounds after a long run. It's due to inflammation and water retention. Give it a day or two and you will be back to normal.

 

As for your mother, set boundaries and pass the bean dip. (I know that's easier said than done.)

[tex-mex]

I've had similar conversations with my own. You are not alone.

:iagree:

 

My own mom died when back in 1992. But my MIL for some reason had issues with her own body image and it directed her unsolicited opinions of EVERYONE she met -- including myself. :glare:

 

As a newlywed 25 years ago, it really bothered me that MIL focused on if I did lose weight or gained weight. She would offer me membership to Jazzercize or ask me to join her for water aerobics. I think I became passive-aggressive in declining her invites just to make her upset, honestly. It was none of her business.

 

She would harp on her daughter and son (my husband) all of the time about their weight. My husband as a result is way too fixated on losing weight even to this day. Weird. His side of the family were big on looking fit and attractive that really seemed close to Body Dsymorphic Disorder, but I digress. :D

 

Anyhoo... ironically, MIL dieted all of her life and was a life long advocate of holistic medicine, vitamins, eating healthy, etc. Her body was in tip top shape for her age at 74. She was active and very fit. Unfortunately, she was dx'ed with a brain tumor and given 6 months to live. She died last summer. It was a shock to her family as they all thought she would be the one to outlive us all. Really is making hubby rethink his neuroses or quirks on body image versus inner happiness. (We both agree MIL was never a happy person, but that is a whole different topic.)

 

My point? Who cares what other people think. Screw 'em. Live your life how you want and don't let the haters get to you. I think it is AWESOME that the OP is training for a half-marathon. Yes!!!

Edited March 26, 2012 by tex-mex

[KidsHappen]

I have an issue in my life (not weight) that I was getting a lot of slack for and I finally laid down the law and said, "That's it. This subject is not open for discussion. I do not want to hear any more about it." I know that the person has feelings and concerns and I can appreciate that but this is something (physical) that I do not have any control over. I can't do anything about it and their advice is not helpful. :glare:

[Coffeetime]

Have you ever set firm boundaries for your mom? Just tell her you refuse to discuss dieting and weight with her any longer. Bring it up at a neutral time and tell her it is hurtful and it is damaging your relationship with her. The next time she does it, change the subject, and if she persists say "gotta go mom" and hang up. Rinse and repeat until she understands you aren't interested in going there with her.

 

:grouphug:

 

I am always a proponent of picking a thing you will say in a situation that seems to repeat itself over and over. So I might decide to say (and I know this sounds sort of passive aggressive), "Mom, I know you are disappointed in how I look, but I didn't ask advice on how to change it." Or "Thanks for the unasked for advice, Mom." If you have a good relationship otherwise, it will withstand this. I wouldn't say something like this if your Mom is a drama queen, but I could do this with my own Mom because we have a generally good relationship.

 

I would not argue with her about the specifics of what she's advising. She's probably reading all the "low carb running" blogs right now to gather evidence against your statements, lol.

 

Both of these are very good advice. Our relationship is...difficult, but to be honest I don't think she even knows that. It's complicated, but suffice it to say I tend to just ignore things because it's better for the relationship. And also because I'm pretty non-confrontational. If strong boundaries need to be set with her my husband does it. It works better that way. :tongue_smilie: I think having a planned response would really be helpful for me.

 

Just a quick fyi - I always 2-3 pounds after a long run. It's due to inflammation and water retention. Give it a day or two and you will be back to normal.

 

 

This is good to know, and I think you're correct about that being the case. I also have really increased my water intake the past few days too, so that could be contributing.

 

:grouphug: I would throw the scale away and concentrate on how great I felt instead.

 

Wise words. :001_smile:

 

I'm not happy that many of you deal with the same thing with family members, but I am glad for some company. :grouphug:

[Lizzie in Ma]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Janie Grace]

I'm sorry. You sound healthy and beautiful. It's her problem, not yours. As my dh would say, she's basically saying "come on in, the water sucks!" You know, misery loves company? Let it roll off and be glad you're not stuck in that trap.

[Denisemomof4]

Can't you be honest and tell her nothing good EVER comesnout of those discussions, and al be honest about how they make you feel?

[Unicorn.]

You have recieved some great words of wisdom here. I just wanted to add that you really need to set boundaries with her now, before she starts in on your daughters! And I agree w/ whomever said to throw away the scale!

[TammyinTN]

I feel your pain. I haven't been home in almost 7 years for reasons such as these. I don't get why people just can keep their opinions to themselves. :grouphug:

[mama25angels]

i'm so sorry and :grouphug: wanted to offer some big hugs and support. My mom does that also, I honestly think that when people don't feel good about themselves, they project it onto others. I'm in panic mode right now thinking my dd could be developing an eating disorder due to comments made by my Dh. She's has asked me how small does he need her to be, I did tell her that the problem was with him and not her. I went postal on him.

[Sparkle]

Sheesh. I'm sorry. :grouphug: FWIW, I think you're great - I have huge admiration for people who run.

[justamouse]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I SO understand.

[LaxMom]

I have an issue in my life (not weight) that I was getting a lot of slack for and I finally laid down the law and said, "That's it. This subject is not open for discussion. I do not want to hear any more about it." I know that the person has feelings and concerns and I can appreciate that but this is something (physical) that I do not have any control over. I can't do anything about it and their advice is not helpful. :glare:

 

:iagree: That is exactly my thought. "Mom, I do not care to discuss my weight or diet. Period." and if she continues to push it, after being reminded a few times, start shutting down the conversation entirely, "oops, doorbell, gotta go!"

 

I'm sorry, but you can't not know that harping on people's appearance flaws is rude, and that pointing out your child's (perceived) flaws constantly makes them feel bad about themselves. No one should have to be told explicitly that that kind of talk negatively impacts your self image.

 

(and a big cheer for you, for training for your first half!!)

[ThisIsTheDay]

She just is so completely focused on weight and appearance and always has been.

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

I understand. We have a family member who is like this, and we've been able to protect our children from that influence.

 

SO cool that you are training for a (half) marathon! Wow!!! I admire your motivation!!

[GWOB]

Moms and scales- ruining women's self-esteem for years:glare:.

 

:grouphug: I get it. My mother is the same way. Stinks.