S/O Treyvon Martin: White parents with black kids

[Mommie_Jen]

So how DO we teach our sons that life is different for them without squelching their sense of adventure?

 

I know that for me, my oldest is 5. When we adopted him, I knew things would be different. I didn't know exactly how. I knew people would be afraid of him. I didn't know I would need to teach him how to protect himself. (And, as proved by Treyvon, that isn't even enough.)

 

He isn't allowed out in public (preschool, church, errands, not counting the backyard play time) in jeans with holes in them. I am crazy strict about respect and manners. I've just recently told him that sometimes police do things that aren't right and can hurt good people too. He is no way allowed to play with toy guns and is to NEVER in a million years pretend to shoot someone (aside from summer squirtgun fights). He knows how to properly shake hands and speak to an adult.

 

As they age, they go from cute little kids to teen boys who are scary. What are some resources you have on how to educate our kids on how life is just different for them than it is for us? That one day they won't fall under our white privilege protection anymore?

 

I linked to this and this in the other thread also, but it's worth the read about how being a "good" kid isn't necessarily going to do the trick.

 

Thoughts?

[KnitWit]

I am a white woman with white children but I just wanted to say that I think this thread is really applicable to ALL parents of black children, not just white parents.

 

Adding...it SHOULDN'T be an issue. It is too bad that it is. (not saying it shouldn't be an issue to *you*...but that you shouldn't have to deal with it at all. One could hope...)

Edited March 21, 2012 by MSPolly

[brett_ashley]

I am a white woman with white children but I just wanted to say that I think this thread is really applicable to ALL parents of black children, not just white parents.

 

True, though black parents are inarguably a little better equipped to teach this. Hopefully some will pop in and share their perspective.

[Mommie_Jen]

Yes, true...it is. But perhaps black parents of black kids are more equipped to teach their children these things because they lived them. I didn't mean to imply that it only applies to us, I'm sorry if I gave that implication.

 

I am a white woman with white children but I just wanted to say that I think this thread is really applicable to ALL parents of black children, not just white parents.

 

Adding...it SHOULDN'T be an issue. It is too bad that it is. (not saying it shouldn't be an issue to *you*...but that you shouldn't have to deal with it at all. One could hope...)

[KnitWit]

True, though black parents are inarguably a little better equipped to teach this. Hopefully some will pop in and share their perspective.

 

I *do* see your point from the parents pov. I was thinking of the kids. :)

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[MamaT]

I am a white mom of two black girls, and I know it is not the same as the difficulties the boys will face. So far, most of the racial issues we have faced have come from dh's family, who we rarely see at all now for obvious reasons.

[Sneezyone]

At our house there are lots of rules. The kids are not allowed to play with or touch guns of any kind, including squirt guns. The supersoakers at gmas house are the lone exception. We always introduce ourselves to our neighbors. My kids do not run or speak loudly in public. If we go to the mall, we dress up and I wear my expensive jewelry. Don't ever cover your face or walk with your hands in your pockets...a problem for my anemic boy who is always cold.

 

We talk, as a family, about prejudice, unfairness and the need to be better-than average...nevermind what other kids do. In the event their word is ever questioned, their records must be spotless. We tell them to pick their battles carefully so as not to be seen as instigators or trouble-makers. We are honest and proactive. Still, whatever we do may not be enough.

 

DH and I are planning to take an overseas assignment to give our kids a break from the rules and just be kids but our fear is they will grow to be too comfy in their own skin and have trouble adapting when we move back. As much as possible, we try to live on or near military bases where these issues are seemingly less prevalent.

 

I think the biggest mistake I see transracial adoptive parents make is assuming that their children will be protected from of insulated from prejudice simply by virtue of their parents race, nationality or status and minimizing or ignoring the small incidents that happen everyday. However well-intentioned folks may be, when kids go out in the world they do so without that covering. Bad/Unfair things happen to good kids from good families too. That can make for some very rude awakenings.

 

That said, our best resources are friends and family who have BTDT, real live mentors. I don't feel any more equipped to handle this than my mother before me but I completely trust my DH to help steer my babies in the right direction.

Edited March 21, 2012 by Sneezyone

[Ohdanigirl]

 

DH and I are planning to take an overseas assignment to give our kids a break from the rules and just be kids but our fear is they will grow to be too comfy in their own skin and have trouble adapting when we move back.

 

 

Living in a foreign country will not necessarily change the need to fight prejudices. We live in Mexico, and my children have really had to learn to deal with quite a lot. They are American, so they must be rude, loud, trouble making rule breakers. :glare: I have actually had people come and complain about them to my door, with "witnesses" to supposedly back them up. Usually the group of Mexican kids that they hang out with. Then the kids try explaining it the person in front of me (apparently for the 3rd, 4th, 5th... time) that it was not my kids that did x thing, but so and so. I have actually had people tell me things like, "They are American, so it had to be them. American parents don't teach their children manners or respect."

 

It has gotten much better as we have lived here longer. One reason is that Mexican kids in general have a very colorful vocabulary when their parents aren't around. Apparently, my kids do not. Also, they are not allowed to use slang words. As a result, they never accidentally use them in front of adults. I now have parents commenting on how wonderful my kids are, and asking how we do it. So the extra rules and manners have really helped us so far.

 

I think classically homeschooling them has also been a plus. My kids can often be heard teaching the other children about Greek Myths, or World History. Surprisingly , the other children really find it interesting, and the parents are delighted. My oldest is only 13, so we'll see what happens as he gets older and begins to wonder beyond our community.

 

Sorry for taking such a long side road. It upsets me that any child needs to deal with this sort of thing. Kuddos to you for seeing the reality and being proactive.

 

 

Danielle

[LNC]

My adopted 14yos is aa, but also has mod mr/autism. He will never live alone. The only way skin color has been an issue is where we live in our southern small city. My husband works in a wealthy, almost entirely white side of town. We choose to live on the other side of town, still middle to upper middle class, but 50% of our street is aa etc. The long commute is a bummer, but it is important for our son to stay here.

Edited March 21, 2012 by LNC

[Mommie_Jen]

Sneezyone, may I pick your brain for a minute?

 

Your kids are young like mine are. When you say no running in public - I completely agree and see the reason why. But little kids at a playground with friends, running around playing together - yes? no? Can you expand on that when it comes to little ones and what is ok?

 

I am trying so hard make my kids aware, to make myself aware, and to make my family aware. Through reading all the FB links I've posted lately about Treyvon, my parents get it. We do have the no hands in pockets rule and I will be cracking down on the not covering your face. My kids don't like hats anyway, but I will certainly watch that.

[brett_ashley]

Another question, somewhat o/t--I just heard last week from a white friend that she does not allow her children (both black and white) to eat fried chicken or watermelon in public in case they are ridiculed for it. Seriously??? There is SO MUCH I've never considered. What do you think about this?

[Lovin Learnin]

Wow. This thread is pretty revealing to me. As a black parent of biological children I have never once thought to tell my sons not to walk with their hands in their pockets, nor run in public for fear someone will think they were doing something criminal. And if you, as people who have made the conscience decision to parent and love on these children, feel the need to train your children in such a fashion . . . it just says to me that we are much further behind than I realized. It's sad to think that black, male teens are still thought of as scary. Your children are not scary. Please, you must not send that message to them. I fear that if you warn them that if they behave in a certain manor they may get mistaken for a criminal, then they will BELIEVE that simply by being, they are in some way contributing to the racism they may experience. My family does not live this way.

 

And if white people can eat fried chicken and watermelon in public then why can't black children? Ugh

[Wolfmeis]

Mommie Jen I hate that you even had to post this thread, and the precautions you're taking just break my heart. I have no mixed-race children, but my bff's kids are, and they are my Godchildren. I am also from the South so I know exactly what you're talking about.

 

Just :grouphug: you.

[brett_ashley]

Wow. This thread is pretty revealing to me. As a black parent of biological children I have never once thought to tell my sons not to walk with their hands in their pockets, nor run in public for fear someone will think they were doing something criminal. And if you, as people who have made the conscience decision to parent and love on these children, feel the need to train your children in such a fashion . . . it just says to me that we are much further behind than I realized. It's sad to think that black, male teens are still thought of as scary. Your children are not scary. Please, you must not send that message to them. I fear that if you warn them that if they behave in a certain manor they may get mistaken for a criminal, then they will BELIEVE that simply by being, they are in some way contributing to the racism they may experience. My family does not live this way.

 

And if white people can eat fried chicken and watermelon in public then why can't black children? Ugh

 

Thank you so much for posting!! This was the type of insight I had hoped for, and the type of parenting you describe is what I instinctively practice--but then I read the racism blogs and start doubting myself and think they do need to know about white privilege, etc.

 

So do you just hope for the best? hope they never look at a trigger-happy policeman the wrong way?

[PrincessAriel]

nt

[Julie Smith]

Wow. This thread is pretty revealing to me. As a black parent of biological children I have never once thought to tell my sons not to walk with their hands in their pockets, nor run in public for fear someone will think they were doing something criminal. And if you, as people who have made the conscience decision to parent and love on these children, feel the need to train your children in such a fashion . . . it just says to me that we are much further behind than I realized. It's sad to think that black, male teens are still thought of as scary. Your children are not scary. Please, you must not send that message to them. I fear that if you warn them that if they behave in a certain manor they may get mistaken for a criminal, then they will BELIEVE that simply by being, they are in some way contributing to the racism they may experience. My family does not live this way.

 

And if white people can eat fried chicken and watermelon in public then why can't black children? Ugh

 

I agree. :)

 

Perhaps because I'm canadian I don't get this thread. I didn't know that some people are deemed scary due to skin color.

[Singingmom]

:iagree: if we adopted African American children, or bi racial children ( which is a real possibility at some point) I think one thing I would focus on is telling them stories about great African Americans, and giving them strong role models who are people of color. I would want them to feel very proud of their heritage. Conversely, I would want them to really understand that we are all one race....the human race. Under the skin, we are all really the same...and I would also emphasize that.

 

I would be careful about building fear and distrust in them toward others. So often, we see what we are looking for. And, I would not give them a double standard to live by. If the white folks are eating chicken and watermelon, for the love of all that is holy, give it to those boys!

 

The other thing that hits me from reading the op is that if I lived in a town with that much racism running rampant, I would be doing everything in my

power to relocate to a place where they could flourish and not have to deal with such strong bias against them ( which is what it sounds like in the town where you live?)

 

Lastly,:grouphug: to you for loving these kids and becoming their family. What a profound blessing for you and for them. I am

sorry you are having to deal with such ugly and horribly misguided attitudes from others.

 

 

Wow. This thread is pretty revealing to me. As a black parent of biological children I have never once thought to tell my sons not to walk with their hands in their pockets, nor run in public for fear someone will think they were doing something criminal. And if you, as people who have made the conscience decision to parent and love on these children, feel the need to train your children in such a fashion . . . it just says to me that we are much further behind than I realized. It's sad to think that black, male teens are still thought of as scary. Your children are not scary. Please, you must not send that message to them. I fear that if you warn them that if they behave in a certain manor they may get mistaken for a criminal, then they will BELIEVE that simply by being, they are in some way contributing to the racism they may experience. My family does not live this way.

 

And if white people can eat fried chicken and watermelon in public then why can't black children? Ugh

Edited March 21, 2012 by Singingmom

[Sneezyone]

Playing in the park, in designated areas is fine for my kiddos but if it's not a playground or friendly yard then it's not intended for play. We try really hard to make sure our neighborhood is super kid-friendly and that their circle of friends is ethnically diverse. My kids stand out a lot less that way.

 

 

DD and DS's gear is usually monogrammed to show parental care/involvement. Their hair is always cut and well-styled, not overgrown. You'll never, EVER, see my son with an afro or braids or locks. I did let the little guy wear a mini mohawk for a while but DH was not impressed so the mohawk went away. My kids dress in typical yuppy attire. No hoodies, no baggie pants and no sunglasses indoors. I do everything I can to make them look as non-threatening as possible but there's nothing I can do about the size my son will eventually be.

 

 

As my kids get older we will add more rules:

 

1. Go out in groups and stay in groups (preferably diverse ones).

2. Always have your cell phone charged and available.

3. If you're being pulled over or questioned by law enforcement, dial grandma, put her on speaker and place the phone somewhere visible. She's an attorney and will call 911 if needed.

4. No matter how angry you are, always defer to the cops and do what they say.

5. Never make sudden movements and keep your hands visible at all times.

 

 

All this probably sounds silly to some. I don't go out without my wedding rings. I audibly talk about Daddy so people won't think my kids are fatherless. I don't use slang in public, in fact, I usually beef up my vocab to ridiculous levels. It's all a crapshoot really. I, like my friends, am really just grasping at straws. Still, I cling to these precautions because they might make the difference one day.

 

My 60 yo disabled father with two hip replacements was pulled over, bodily removed from his car and frisked before being sent on his way. It never ends. If someone can point me in the direction of a community where black male teens are not thought of as scary, I'd love to know. DH and I are still looking for a retirement spot.

[QueenCat]

I agree. :)

 

Perhaps because I'm canadian I don't get this thread. I didn't know that some people are deemed scary due to skin color.

 

It is because of the young man, Treyvon Martin, who was killed because a man in his neighborhood deemed him "scary" as he was walking from the convenience store to his dad's house. Many Americans are in an uproar over this horrible situation.

[Mommie_Jen]

We don't necessarily have rampant racism in our town, in fact, it seems as if we've had nothing other than open arm acceptance. But I just know that my kids will grow up and go out on their own and I don't want them clueless because their parents are white. Right or not, there is separate code of behavior for young black men in society. It's my job to learn it and to teach it. I'm taking notes on this thread.

 

Oh, also - here's an old Washington Post article on black men and stereotypes. It's a little long, but well worth the read. And Sneezyone - my boys' hair is also always "done". One wears it super short, one prefers enough hair to curl, but it's still fairly short and always styled. Thank you so much for posting about older kids/teens rules. I needed to know specifics, and you gave them. Thank you, it was blessing to have a short specific list.

 

My 5 yr old knows that there are some people who don't like a person just because the person's skin color is different than their own, and how that isn't right and how we are all the same inside.

[JennyD]

Playing in the park, in designated areas is fine for my kiddos but if it's not a playground or friendly yard then it's not intended for play. We try really hard to make sure our neighborhood is super kid-friendly and that their circle of friends is ethnically diverse. My kids stand out a lot less that way.

 

 

DD and DS's gear is usually monogrammed to show parental care/involvement. Their hair is always cut and well-styled, not overgrown. You'll never, EVER, see my son with an afro or braids or locks. I did let the little guy wear a mini mohawk for a while but DH was not impressed so the mohawk went away. My kids dress in typical yuppy attire. No hoodies, no baggie pants and no sunglasses indoors. I do everything I can to make them look as non-threatening as possible but there's nothing I can do about the size my son will eventually be.

 

 

As my kids get older we will add more rules:

 

1. Go out in groups and stay in groups (preferably diverse ones).

2. Always have your cell phone charged and available.

3. If you're being pulled over or questioned by law enforcement, dial grandma, put her on speaker and place the phone somewhere visible. She's an attorney and will call 911 if needed.

4. No matter how angry you are, always defer to the cops and do what they say.

5. Never make sudden movements and keep your hands visible at all times.

 

 

All this probably sounds silly to some. I don't go out without my wedding rings. I audibly talk about Daddy so people won't think my kids are fatherless. I don't use slang in public, in fact, I usually beef up my vocab to ridiculous levels. It's all a crapshoot really. I, like my friends, am really just grasping at straws. Still, I cling to these precautions because they might make the difference one day.

 

My 60 yo disabled father with two hip replacements was pulled over, bodily removed from his car and frisked before being sent on his way. It never ends. If someone can point me in the direction of a community where black male teens are not thought of as scary, I'd love to know. DH and I are still looking for a retirement spot.

 

I don't think you sound silly at all. And I have no idea at all where you could live. I wish I did.

[LNC]

Wow. This thread is pretty revealing to me. As a black parent of biological children I have never once thought to tell my sons not to walk with their hands in their pockets, nor run in public for fear someone will think they were doing something criminal. And if you, as people who have made the conscience decision to parent and love on these children, feel the need to train your children in such a fashion . . . it just says to me that we are much further behind than I realized. It's sad to think that black, male teens are still thought of as scary. Your children are not scary. Please, you must not send that message to them. I fear that if you warn them that if they behave in a certain manor they may get mistaken for a criminal, then they will BELIEVE that simply by being, they are in some way contributing to the racism they may experience. My family does not live this way.

 

And if white people can eat fried chicken and watermelon in public then why can't black children? Ugh

 

I'm sorry this thread is hurtful to you. I must say as a adoptive mom these comments are very perplexing to me as well. My son is thought of differently because of his special needs and unusual behavior - and we work on that daily. But, I've never factored his skin color into that... Like I said in an earlier post, at least half of the kids/teens in our neighborhood are aa too.

Edited March 21, 2012 by LNC

[deacongirl]

I would encourage any APs of transracial adoptees to read and consider what adult transracial adoptees have to say. http://loveisntenough.com/ is a good place to start.

[deacongirl]

They aren't deemed scary due to skin color; they are scary due to demeanor, dress, and behavior in public. Blacks are not the only teens pulled over - it is anyone whose behavior is inappropriate for the setting, or has the 'I'm obviously drugged out of my mind/or drunk as a skunk/need a mental health professional' demeanor. Watch some of the teen prison shows on cable if you don't live in a diverse area and you'll get the flavor.

 

If only that were true--the title for the book Whistling Vivaldi came from what a well-dressed, well-educated black young man would do when walking down the street in the hope that white women wouldn't clutch their purse or cross the street to avoid him.

[hana]

They aren't deemed scary due to skin color; they are scary due to demeanor, dress, and behavior in public. Blacks are not the only teens pulled over - it is anyone whose behavior is inappropriate for the setting, or has the 'I'm obviously drugged out of my mind/or drunk as a skunk/need a mental health professional' demeanor. Watch some of the teen prison shows on cable if you don't live in a diverse area and you'll get the flavor.

 

 

I so wish this were true where I live. It is not.

[CalicoKat]

Wow. This thread is pretty revealing to me. As a black parent of biological children I have never once thought to tell my sons not to walk with their hands in their pockets, nor run in public for fear someone will think they were doing something criminal. And if you, as people who have made the conscience decision to parent and love on these children, feel the need to train your children in such a fashion . . . it just says to me that we are much further behind than I realized. It's sad to think that black, male teens are still thought of as scary. Your children are not scary. Please, you must not send that message to them. I fear that if you warn them that if they behave in a certain manor they may get mistaken for a criminal, then they will BELIEVE that simply by being, they are in some way contributing to the racism they may experience. My family does not live this way.

 

And if white people can eat fried chicken and watermelon in public then why can't black children? Ugh

 

As a white mom to 5 African American children I've never ever thought of these things before. My 6 yo ds is going to be ultra disappointed. He loves hoodies.

 

Off to do some pant shopping. Most of ours have holes by this time of the year.

[stripe]

They aren't deemed scary due to skin color; they are scary due to demeanor, dress, and behavior in public. Blacks are not the only teens pulled over - it is anyone whose behavior is inappropriate for the setting, or has the 'I'm obviously drugged out of my mind/or drunk as a skunk/need a mental health professional' demeanor.

 

Frankly I think they are deemed scary due to the backwards thinking of the one who is scared.

 

Blacks have been shown to be pulled over more often. It's got nothing to do with acting drunk as a skunk. Sometimes it's being "where you don't belong" as if this is S Africa under apartheid.

 

Danny Glover said he couldn't get a cab. And a black man -- adopted by white Quebecois parents -- was stopped and the officer wrote down that his name (Debellefeuille) didn't match his skin. Here is an academic article about traffic stops of black drivers: http://academic.udayton.edu/race/03justice/dwb01.htm which opens by pointing out that Wesley Snipes, Will Smith, Blair Underwood, LeVar Burton, Marcus Allen, Al Joyner, Edwin Moses, and Johnnie Cochran have all been stopped. Blacks get twice the tickets of whites.

[deacongirl]

White People, you will never look suspicious.

 

by Michael Skolnik

http://globalgrind.com/news/michael-skolnik-trayvon-martin-george-zimmerman-race-sanford-florida-photos-pictures

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I will never look suspicious to you. Even if I have a black hoodie, a pair of jeans and white sneakers on...in fact, that is what I wore yesterday...I still will never look suspicious. No matter how much the hoodie covers my face or how baggie my jeans are, I will never look out of place to you. I will never watch a taxi cab pass me by to pick someone else up. I will never witness someone clutch their purse tightly against their body as they walk by me. I won't have to worry about a police car following me for two miles, so they can "run my plates." I will never have to pay before I eat. And I certainly will never get "stopped and frisked." I will never look suspicious to you, because of one thing and one thing only. The color of my skin. I am white.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Read more: http://globalgrind.com/node/828497#ixzz1pmWY5DLO

[Murmer]

One of the biggest things for me is to make sure that my family and children are around black adults that can help to guide them in things that I cannot. We are involved in a college group that does a playdate with the children of color in the community every week. When the children get into middle elementary age they do a big brother big sister thing, it is amazing. They make sure that they have black males at the activities almost every week. I love that my son sees intelligent, manly, men that are black because the stereotypes still active in the US is one in which black males are punks, disorderly or in poor Treyvon's case suspicious.

[MamaCoop04]

Wow. This thread is pretty revealing to me. As a black parent of biological children I have never once thought to tell my sons not to walk with their hands in their pockets, nor run in public for fear someone will think they were doing something criminal. And if you, as people who have made the conscience decision to parent and love on these children, feel the need to train your children in such a fashion . . . it just says to me that we are much further behind than I realized. It's sad to think that black, male teens are still thought of as scary. Your children are not scary. Please, you must not send that message to them. I fear that if you warn them that if they behave in a certain manor they may get mistaken for a criminal, then they will BELIEVE that simply by being, they are in some way contributing to the racism they may experience. My family does not live this way.

 

And if white people can eat fried chicken and watermelon in public then why can't black children? Ugh

 

 

Exactly. My husband is black and I'm white, we teach our kids the same manners as white kids. I'm glad you posted this, I actually got offended, and am glad someone else feels the same. Our kids are kids, and we need to let them be (to a certain extent, of course), whatever color they are. There is no need to prove anything to anyone, or put on a show for the public. I've seen some poorly behaved white kids, just as I've seen black, spanish, asian, etc. Our kids have bad days, but it's not because of their race. It's sad what happened to that young kid, but if we take every bad thing that happens to someone and try to change our family to avoid it at all costs, we would live in an unhappy bubble. Live life. Dance. Laugh. Run. Play. In private and in public.

 

ETA: my kids and husband like baggy pants, hats, fried chicken and rap (albeit Christian) and IT'S OKAY!

Edited March 21, 2012 by MamaCoop04

[MamaCoop04]

 

You'll never, EVER, see my son with an afro or braids or locks. I did let the little guy wear a mini mohawk for a while but DH was not impressed so the mohawk went away. My kids dress in typical yuppy attire. No hoodies, no baggie pants and no sunglasses indoors. I do everything I can to make them look as non-threatening as possible but there's nothing I can do about the size my son will eventually be.

 

 

As my kids get older we will add more rules:

 

1. Go out in groups and stay in groups (preferably diverse ones).

2. Always have your cell phone charged and available.

3. If you're being pulled over or questioned by law enforcement, dial grandma, put her on speaker and place the phone somewhere visible. She's an attorney and will call 911 if needed.

4. No matter how angry you are, always defer to the cops and do what they say.

5. Never make sudden movements and keep your hands visible at all times.

 

 

All this probably sounds silly to some. I don't go out without my wedding rings. I audibly talk about Daddy so people won't think my kids are fatherless. I don't use slang in public, in fact, I usually beef up my vocab to ridiculous levels.

 

.

 

 

So is the matter of hairstyle personal preferance, or are you labeling?? Baggy pants?? So now every young man that doesn't wear tight pants is precieved as a possible threat? IMO, you are teaching your boys to judge those who dress like this as a threat, and that is wrong. Making sure your kids are in diverse groups, what you mean is including white kids?? I'm sorry, but this offends me and.I'm.white. You're going way over the top to try and please a people that really don't care. Beefing up your vocab and constantly mentioning your husband is just more work for you and you get no results. The cashier doesn't care. The librarian really doesn't either. They don't think and ponder about that young lady with the black kids and her vocab and marital status. Really. They don't. I'm sorry, but my husband and I are very passionate about equality, but that is not what this is about, this is about telling children that if you are black you have to prove you are not bad, you are not a "stereotypical black". Stereotypical?? That's right where prejudice lies. Really don't want to offend anyone, really, but kind of blown away.

Edited March 21, 2012 by MamaCoop04

[justasque]

Wow. This thread is pretty revealing to me. As a black parent of biological children I have never once thought to tell my sons not to walk with their hands in their pockets, nor run in public for fear someone will think they were doing something criminal.

 

Having lived in several *very* different places, I know that it really, really varies based on where you are.

 

It's so hard to imagine if you've not lived it in one way or another.

 

(Emmett Till's story, fifty-some years ago, comes to mind.)

 

Lots of people learn to code-switch in one direction or another based on where they are and who they're with. I've seen a wealthy white suburban teen code-switch instantly to her working-class rural West Virginia roots when the need arose, and I was thankful for it as we were in a jam and her code-switching saved us. Many, many people who cross class/race/culture lines in various aspects of their lives learn to code-switch. One code is not better than another; each is useful in its place. I don't think kids who learn to code-switch are emotionally harmed by it.

[Sneezyone]

So is the matter of hairstyle personal preferance, or are you labeling?? Baggy pants?? So now every young man that doesn't wear tight pants is precieved as a possible threat? IMO, you are teaching your boys to judge those who dress like this as a threat, and that is wrong. Making sure your kids are in diverse groups, what you mean is including white kids?? I'm sorry, but this offends me and.I'm.white. You're going way over the top to try and please a people that really don't care. Beefing up your vocab and constantly mentioning your husband is just more work for you and you get no results. The cashier doesn't care. The librarian really doesn't either. They don't think and ponder about that young lady with the black kids and her vocab and marital status. Really. They don't. I'm sorry, but my husband and I are very passionate about equality, but that is not what this is about, this is about telling children that if you are black you have to prove you are not bad, you are not a "stereotypical black". Stereotypical?? That's right where prejudice lies. Really don't want to offend anyone, really, but kind of blown away.

 

You know, and please don't take this the wrong way, but I can't help wonder if the fact that your kids are very young and light-skinned has smoothed the way for you. I don't begrudge you your view of things but please don't assume my perspective is without merit based on your own experience. Your kids aren't yet driving, dating, or traveling outside your circle of influence on a regular basis. I've watched my brothers, cousins and nephews transition from boys to men and have seen what they've gone through as they struck out on their own. I think my fears are reasonable and my precautions justified given what I have seen. YMMV.

 

I don't think my children have the same freedom in their attire and behavior as others. It's not a matter of preference; I don't really care what they prefer to wear. Like it or not, as in the case with Trayvon, it is my responsibility to prove that my kids are not bad, aggressive or unworthy of respect because too often the opposite is assumed. That's my reality.

[T'smom]

White People, you will never look suspicious.

 

by Michael Skolnik

http://globalgrind.com/news/michael-skolnik-trayvon-martin-george-zimmerman-race-sanford-florida-photos-pictures

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I will never look suspicious to you. Even if I have a black hoodie, a pair of jeans and white sneakers on...in fact, that is what I wore yesterday...I still will never look suspicious. No matter how much the hoodie covers my face or how baggie my jeans are, I will never look out of place to you. I will never watch a taxi cab pass me by to pick someone else up. I will never witness someone clutch their purse tightly against their body as they walk by me. I won't have to worry about a police car following me for two miles, so they can "run my plates." I will never have to pay before I eat. And I certainly will never get "stopped and frisked." I will never look suspicious to you, because of one thing and one thing only. The color of my skin. I am white.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Read more: http://globalgrind.com/node/828497#ixzz1pmWY5DLO

 

I haven't had a chance to read this, but I will when I have more time. I wanted to say that I have a teenage boy neighbor who is scary- and he's white. His friends are also scary, they're white too.

[KnitWit]

Wow. This thread is pretty revealing to me. As a black parent of biological children I have never once thought to tell my sons not to walk with their hands in their pockets, nor run in public for fear someone will think they were doing something criminal. And if you, as people who have made the conscience decision to parent and love on these children, feel the need to train your children in such a fashion . . . it just says to me that we are much further behind than I realized. It's sad to think that black, male teens are still thought of as scary. Your children are not scary. Please, you must not send that message to them. I fear that if you warn them that if they behave in a certain manor they may get mistaken for a criminal, then they will BELIEVE that simply by being, they are in some way contributing to the racism they may experience. My family does not live this way.

 

And if white people can eat fried chicken and watermelon in public then why can't black children? Ugh

 

I am soooo glad you posted! I think THIS is important!!! This thread is making me so sad.

[Stellalarella]

Interesting thoughts.

I have told my oldest son (who is white) to change his clothes so that he would not look like a trouble maker.

I am careful about what my two aa daughters look like in public, because if I am not careful with their hair we will get stopped by the hair police.

[Lovin Learnin]

I am careful about what my two aa daughters look like in public, because if I am not careful with their hair we will get stopped by the hair police.

 

Well, yeah. There is that. :lol:

[stripe]

White People, you will never look suspicious.

 

I am much more scared of white young men than black young men. I've seen plenty of strung out, unwashed white teen boys.

 

I understand the idea of it, and I am not a little old lady so doubtless my experience varies from theirs.

[Mommie_Jen]

Interesting to read everyone's thoughts. I know we all have different opinions and life experiences, but I also know that I have to prepare my kids to be scrutinized more than others. It's not right, but I believe it's necessary.

[deacongirl]

Interesting to read everyone's thoughts. I know we all have different opinions and life experiences, but I also know that I have to prepare my kids to be scrutinized more than others. It's not right, but I believe it's necessary.

Yup.

[KnitWit]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

...to all of you. It just isn't right. :(

[cassiemc]

Hopefully you will all teach your children that the color of your skin doesn't matter. The clothes you wear don't matter, nor does your hair. What matters is how you behave and treat others. I teach my children that all people all equal and deserve kindness. I am white and I have no clue what is is to be black, but I know that I am not scared of a young black man walking down my street. I would never teach my kids that they are scary to others. If someone is scared of them that is their problem not my children's. You are all making me very sad for my soon to be born nephew. His mom is white and his dad is black. Hopefully, we will teach this generation of children to be better than the neighborhood watch killer.

[nono]

I am much more scared of white young men than black young menQUOTE]

 

And, if you are white, you should be. Statistically, it used to be* if you are going to be the victim of violent crime, you are 85-90% likely to have to crime committed by someone of your own race. So, in the instance where I can walk down a mostly deserted block and pass a white man, or cross the street and walk past a black man, you better believe I cross and walk by the black man. He's on my side, statistically.

 

I had experience as a young adult that cemented this statistical information in my brain. Two years of commuting to my part-time summer job at a time of day when usually, I was the only white person on the subway. You know it. The ONLY time I had any trouble was the day two white guys got on...

 

 

*20 yr old data at least...I'm getting old!

[stripe]

*20 yr old data at least...I'm getting old!

 

I hear you! I am too.

 

Luckily no one messes with me because I look just like my photo above. ;)

[deacongirl]

Hopefully you will all teach your children that the color of your skin doesn't matter. The clothes you wear don't matter, nor does your hair. What matters is how you behave and treat others. I teach my children that all people all equal and deserve kindness. I am white and I have no clue what is is to be black, but I know that I am not scared of a young black man walking down my street. I would never teach my kids that they are scary to others. If someone is scared of them that is their problem not my children's. You are all making me very sad for my soon to be born nephew. His mom is white and his dad is black. Hopefully, we will teach this generation of children to be better than the neighborhood watch killer.

 

The color of your skin shouldn't matter--but the fact is that it does. And innocent young black men who have been stopped and frisked for no reason have to be aware of what the consequence can be. It is a luxury (see white privilege) for you to think that it doesn't matter and that it is someone else's problem. For Treyvon and his family it very much tragically became their problem.

[elegantlion]

Frankly I think they are deemed scary due to the backwards thinking of the one who is scared.

 

 

We discussed this story that spurned this thread at dinner. My conclusion is similar to the above. As a white family, I strive to teach my son that if he is scared by someone's appearance because they look different than him, then he needs to examine his beliefs.

[Jackie in NE]

Wow. This thread is pretty revealing to me. As a black parent of biological children I have never once thought to tell my sons not to walk with their hands in their pockets, nor run in public for fear someone will think they were doing something criminal. And if you, as people who have made the conscience decision to parent and love on these children, feel the need to train your children in such a fashion . . . it just says to me that we are much further behind than I realized. It's sad to think that black, male teens are still thought of as scary. Your children are not scary. Please, you must not send that message to them. I fear that if you warn them that if they behave in a certain manor they may get mistaken for a criminal, then they will BELIEVE that simply by being, they are in some way contributing to the racism they may experience. My family does not live this way.

 

And if white people can eat fried chicken and watermelon in public then why can't black children? Ugh

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

My dh and I are white. We have one black ds, and a mixed race dd. Our dd often passes for Hispanic, though she is half AA, and half white. This whole thread just makes my heart hurt. I have NEVER had an unkind remark.... well now that I think of it, I had one unkind remark.... a long time ago.

 

When my dc were younger, I didn't worry about racism. I knew I could love anything away! But now, as they become involved in outside activities where I'm not always "right there", I worry about how to prepare them for unkind words or actions. If someone ever called my ds the "n" word, I don't think I would be able to control myself. Truly, I worry that I would end up with an assault charge on my record. Not only that.... but ds would have no idea what that word means. :001_huh: I have not prepared them AT ALL for the racism of others. It just breaks my heart to think about it. It would be such a shock to them to think that someone would think less of them simply because of how they look..... how God made them.

 

But I also believe that what happened to Trayvon Martin is the anomaly. Am I being naive? I do not want my dc to live in fear. If I treat them like there is something that others see as "wrong" with them, and teach them to try to be "more white" so that they don't have something "bad" happen, I believe I am sending the wrong message.

 

I guess I would rather tell them something like, "If people are ignorant, then treat them as ignorant; it has nothing to do with you. It is THEIR problem."

 

:confused::confused:

 

God help us all.

[ktgrok]

:iagree::iagree:

 

"If people are ignorant, then treat them as ignorant; it has nothing to do with you. It is THEIR problem."

 

:confused::confused:

 

God help us all.

 

But if the ignorant person has a gun, or a baseball bat, or a badge, or is a loan officer, or a social worker, or a teacher, it becomes the child's problem.

[elegantlion]

I taught mine to decode the scary and determine if the person is mentally ill, raging, high, stoned, and/or drunk. These people do look different, and they do look scary. It's not appropriate imho to teach a child to distrust his flight instinct. It is there for a good reason.ymmv

 

I changed the wording, I meant to type appearance ALONE.

 

We've dealt with the other. Where we used to live a white guy showed up at the door. He was either mentally ill or high, and wanted to work on our roof. Um, okay. He later came back with a friend and tried to steal from the garage. He set off the hackles immediately. But looking different, whether it's skin color or dress, should not immediately put someone on defense. I've seen people who react in that manner and it's sad.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

]Frankly I think they are deemed scary due to the backwards thinking of the one who is scared.

 

Blacks have been shown to be pulled over more often. It's got nothing to do with acting drunk as a skunk. Sometimes it's being "where you don't belong" as if this is S Africa under apartheid.

 

Danny Glover said he couldn't get a cab. And a black man -- adopted by white Quebecois parents -- was stopped and the officer wrote down that his name (Debellefeuille) didn't match his skin. Here is an academic article about traffic stops of black drivers: http://academic.udayton.edu/race/03justice/dwb01.htm which opens by pointing out that Wesley Snipes, Will Smith, Blair Underwood, LeVar Burton, Marcus Allen, Al Joyner, Edwin Moses, and Johnnie Cochran have all been stopped. Blacks get twice the tickets of whites.

 

:iagree: With the bolded part. This is the kind of thing I was trying to point out in a post a few weeks ago that black people have a much more difficult time doing just about anything in this country than others because of the preconceptions of others.

Edited March 22, 2012 by thescrappyhomeschooler