thescrappyhomeschooler Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 what, if anything, do you do to help them? We've been dealing with this with dh's mom forever, and now it seems we will have to start dealing with thin with my mom, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pqr Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 If they own a house, sell it and put it towards either you building on an in-law suite or moving to a larger house that has one. I think that the in-law suite is a superb concept. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted March 18, 2012 Author Share Posted March 18, 2012 Neither of them own houses. And I would be in an insane asylum if either of them lived that close to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
butterflymommy Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 If they can't live with you, and you can't afford to give them money, their only option is government housing/ assistance. You can't give money you don't have. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 I helped my parents financially up until they paid off their house, right around the time they were both retired. I bought them a new furnace/AC which hopefully would be more efficient and less work. I give them gift cards at holidays so they can buy the little extras to make life comfortable. As far as I know, they now have what they need to get by. Hopefully they would let me know if they needed anything significant. If I give them money routinely, they funnel it to my siblings, who are more extravagant than they need to be. I also have a lot less cash now that I'm an entrepreneur and a single parent. And I help my unemployed sister. So I don't actively seek out opportunities to financially help my parents at this point in time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pqr Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 It becomes a very personal decision, and I am sorry if my answer came across as too definitive, you may be able to help with rent, you can assist in managing what finances they do have, ensure that any SS they have is properly used, help them avoid predatory rental agents etc. Do what YOU feel is necessary. Help them move into a smaller house/apt. Review any insurance they have and be there when those times come around that they need help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 In the case of healthy, able parents, I believe my financial help would be tied to them also having earned income. I'd expect them to have a job. I'd also make my help direct - I would not give them funds to use but would instead pay the light bill myself, buy groceries, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 I help my mother with money periodically, but I hate to because she will end up giving to my siblings who are lazy and live off of her. She has nothing but she pretty much owns her home free and clear. She took a small loan out on it a few years ago, but it is under $10,000. She has less than a $1000 a month to live on, so things are pretty tight for her. My mother has cared for many elderly family members until their death. 5 of them have died in her home (from cancer to old age). I have learned to give her items and not cash when I can. For instance, I will ask her what would make things easier for her, and show up with a basket full of items.....instead of giving her cash to buy them with herself. I can't count the number of Costco runs I have made filling her pantry with supplies and food, in one big swoop. I buy her convenience things that make life easier for her. Paper plates, paper cups, Clorox Wipes, etc. I also buy basic supplies like coffee and healthy snacks (she doesn't eat an evening meal sometimes). That way she can stretch her money further. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dustybug Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 In the case of healthy, able parents, I believe my financial help would be tied to them also having earned income. I'd expect them to have a job. I'd also make my help direct - I would not give them funds to use but would instead pay the light bill myself, buy groceries, etc. :iagree: My mom and stepfather have zero savings and are in their fifties, with no plans/ability to save much now. My mom doesn't work and my stepfather quits jobs like he changes clothes. Both are physically able to hold jobs. Because of an on again/off again drug problem that my stepfather has, he would not be welcome in our home and we would not give him money directly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Butter Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 My parents did plan for retirement, but the stock market, and his 401(k), tanked at the exact wrong moment. My dad still works, but there are issues there, too. Like right now they are on half-days (and so half-pay) because while they (an engineering firm) have lots of work, those who owe them money are very slow to pay. They have well over a million in outstanding accounts receivable. It'll (mostly) get paid, but when the money stops trickling in there's no money to pay salaries and so they go on furloughs. It's been like that off and on for 4 years. So we decided to move in with my parents almost 3 years ago and help them pay off the house (it was paid off last April). We intended to build a house on one of the fields (my parents suggested they give us our land inheritance now instead of after they die and we build there, exactly where I said as a kid I was going to build a house one day). As it's turned out, sharing a house has worked very well. It's rather mutually beneficial, really. So we're not even sure if we'll ever build a house. We pay "rent" (really, just an agreed upon amount we give them each paycheck) which goes toward living expenses for all of us. My parents are saving all of their social security checks to prepare for when my dad actually stops working (my dad is 67). The money we give them helps a lot through the furlough times when Daddy gets paid less than usual. Our situation is probably not for most people. Even my brother and sister and their spouses have said it wouldn't work for them. But it works for us. You've just got to do whatever works for you and your parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 First answer that came to mind? "Not a da!n thing." Figure I'd better 'splain before ppl start w/the torch and pitchforks :tongue_smilie: My parents haven't helped me since I moved out at 15, due to abuse, except w/a loan 2 yrs ago, which I pd back, w/higher interest than they could have gotten from a bank or investment. I have younger bros, both of which were helped to buy a home from my parents. I consider any elder care to be *their* responsibility, not mine, given the quality of the relationships and history. Then there's my present. I have 5 kids, 4 at home. Unless I win a lotto, there's simply not going to be the ability to financially help anyone out at all, b/c all funds will go to our kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 My MIL has done what she was able to do to prepare for retirement but her finances are still very tight. She has seven children and they have all agreed to send her $100 per month to help her out but realistically only a few off them are very consistant about doing so and whenever she has difficulties the entire family is calling us to send more money even though we are one of the ones that is in the least position to help. We do all that we can though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 We are better off than some here. NOnetheless, while my dh has a good income, my fil has a lot more wealth than we do (He owns and lives in a house that would bring good money totally free and clear in northern NJ- probably at least 350,000 for the property). We have in the past many times tried to help him but he refused to leave my bum b-i-ls. We won't help them. As it has come about, we now have no contact with him since they refuse to answer the phone and my husband is working very often seven days a week and is too tired and having too many issues at home to go investigate what is going on with his father and the various drug addicts that live there. As I said, we tried repeatedly over the years to get him to come live with us, go live in a nice retirement home, move to the beach, whatever to get away from the worthless B-I_ls . He was of sound mind that last we did communicate and was making his free choice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan in TN Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 They live half-way across the country, but we have brought boxes of food when we visit, and have sent them money via "Giving Anonymously" - www.givinganon.org . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beaners Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 I know what we are willing to do, but I'm not sure how it will go over. My parents are divorced and both remarried. On one side they should be fine financially. This same side has made it clear that they want to go to a medical care facility at the first sign of trouble. Care at home by family is off the table by their request, although both are quite healthy. On the other side I don't know what they are going to do. Financially I don't see retirement as a possibility. I think my financial state is better at half their age, and not because we make much money. The step-parent is estranged from their own children, one of my siblings lives with them but spends a server's income on expensive toys, and the other sibling is struggling to afford minimal bills with rent paid for by another party. I'm sure all of that will change substantially in the next decade, but my husband and I are assuming we will be it. For my husband's parents, they are both more or less retired now. His father still works a few days a week. We are more concerned about health problems than financial problems. On that side, my husband's sibling is in a better overall financial position than we are, but with more major expenses on the horizon. (College, etc) We are more than willing to help, but we aren't convenient to their current doctors. Lots of doctors. For any of the above couples, we are willing to have them move in with us. We might need to juggle children into different rooms. We might need to park a trailer. We might need to build a one bedroom cottage. We are willing to make it work if they need support for whatever reason. However, we aren't doing trips to Target or Panera several times a week. We are still going to butcher poultry and rabbits, and actually eat them too. We will keep growing our vegetables. Those are the foods we serve. If I need someone to sit in a lounge chair on the porch watching kids play while I work on something to provide for the family, I'd like to think that wouldn't be greeted by sighs or moans. Our lifestyle is not what the rest of our family would enjoy, but we are willing to share it to help them. It's up to them to take it or leave it. Our offer has been put out in the past. It still stands. I'm hoping it won't need to be taken up for at least another ten years. I don't anticipate it being easy on our finances to support more people who probably won't be helping out within the household. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slipper Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 I think the answers today are not the same as answers would be 50 years ago. There was a time when the 'right and good' thing to do would be to support your parents in their 'golden years'. However, these days, supporting four people usually means (due to divorce) supporting eight people. I'm intrigued at the number of those replying who state that their parents are helping out other kids (the posters' siblings). (We have that as well). I think each family's case will be very individual. For us, we will probably support (through paying bills and dropping off food) my father, very little for my mother (who has retirement and is frugal), very little for my MIL (inheritance that is managed for her), and probably a good deal for my FIL (money). We have a fair amount of land and wouldn't be opposed to building another small house for family members simply for our own convenience. As heartless as it sounds, if they need our help because they haven't planned well, it needs to be convenient for us to help them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyK Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 In the case of healthy, able parents, I believe my financial help would be tied to them also having earned income. I'd expect them to have a job. I'd also make my help direct - I would not give them funds to use but would instead pay the light bill myself, buy groceries, etc. I guess I'm quoting you because you're often the wise voice here. I'm struggling with this issue right now. My parents retired in their late 50s and are now out of money 20+ years later. They make too much pension income for public assistance of any sort, including nursing home, but are stuck in an underwater house and are having trouble making ends meet. I really don't know what to do. I feel a lot of guilt about not helping them. My husband feels like we should be saving to prevent repeating the situation, not rescuing them, especially since we are only slightly younger than they were when they retired and we have years of work left. We have not had an open conversation with my parents about this. I have talked to my mom, but my dad is in ill health and she would prefer not to have this discussed with him. Of course, I can disregard that, if I choose. In their defense, they are not really asking to be rescued, but helping them when their health is bad would be easier if they were closer, and I feel guilty about any of our expenditures knowing that they are not things my parents could afford. Wisdom from anyone is appreciated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 I should add that my sister comes to my house every Sunday and cooks a very nice meal, then takes most of it to my parents' house where it provides a couple of good meals for them and my sister. I pay for that. It's not a big deal, but it's a way for us to work together to make things stretch a bit. I really want to help my parents fix up their old house. I just don't know where to start, nor do my parents. Basically everything needs re-done. Every time they start thinking about a project, one of them gets sick or hurt or some other family crisis comes along. Maybe when my kids are a little older, we can all go over there and work on something in the summer time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarymelon Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 We rent property that we own at well below market rent to both my Mom and my IL, who have nothing saved for retirement. We are prepared to let them live rent free if need be. Having said that no one takes advantage of the situation, they are great to live by, and are actively helping us raise our kids, so I feel we get a lot in the process. I do worry that we should be using that extra money to save or our retirement more, but my husband and I both feel good about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
butterflymommy Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 My own parents have saved for retirement and are comfortable, I don't see them needing money. My only surviving in law is my FIL who lives in gov't housing (where my DH grew up). One concern we have is that if we give him money or pay his rent, it would qualify as income which would in turn raise his rent, which can't happen. He is estranged from us and has some substance abuse issues, though he still manages to work fulltime (dishwasher) at 72. If the substance abuse issues ever change then I'd be less hostile to the notion of helping him out. When there's drugs and alcohol involved it makes things all the more complicated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMA Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 Believe or not, there are laws about this: http://graphics8.nytimes.com/packages/pdf/health/NOA/30states.pdf You have to look up the specific law for your state. I found this when looking into nursing homes and Medicaid for elderly relatives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 My own parents have saved for retirement and are comfortable, I don't see them needing money. . My mother died decades ago. I've been estranged from my father since the age of 3 and weirdly enough, he gave me the info for his funeral insurance saying I am the only one he trusts in the family. :confused: But I do not ask him for help and he does not keep in touch with me. My FIL is wealthy. MIL died last summer and we discovered FIL had a mistress on the side for 17 years. He married the mistress 2 months after the funeral to everyone's chagrin and caused a rift in the family. That being said, we all agree FIL's end-of-life/funeral/POA issues are on the new wife as she is 50 years old to his being 76 years old. Let her deal with it. :D MIL left assets in my son's name that the new wife cannot touch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 We rent property that we own at well below market rent to both my Mom and my IL, who have nothing saved for retirement. We are prepared to let them live rent free if need be. Having said that no one takes advantage of the situation, they are great to live by, and are actively helping us raise our kids, so I feel we get a lot in the process. I do worry that we should be using that extra money to save or our retirement more, but my husband and I both feel good about it. That is a brilliant idea. I also like the idea of land where a single or double wide mobile home can be built for the IL's or even newlyweds. Give the newlyweds the land parcel as a gift. My IL's did a similar thing for us with a home -- allowed us to own our own home without a down payment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WeeBeaks Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 I help my mom occasionally. She still works but is in an area with a very severely depressed economy. She is doing all she can, taking all the hours her work will give her. There is nothing left for her to save really. She doesn't ask much; I help where I can for treats. My in-laws planned pretty well, but again the economy sucks. I help where we can. Their house is well paid off, and they are covered by insurance for their lifetimes (amazing thing that is!) from FIL's retirement job that allowed them to keep insurance through the company forever. That said they are not flush with cash obviously (I don't know many in retirement who are), so I help with extra things I got on sale with coupons at the grocery, produce from my garden, extra "treats" for Christmas and holidays. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 what, if anything, do you do to help them? We've been dealing with this with dh's mom forever, and now it seems we will have to start dealing with thin with my mom, too. This happened to my parents. It was partly poor planning and partly very bad financial decisions on their part and partly the fact that we/they live in a very expensive area. We built a basement apartment for them and they lived with us for about 3-4 years before they moved to a much cheaper part of the US (near another sister). Now that my mom's health has really deteriorated my dh and I are helping to pay for a part-time companion. She comes to the house 3x per week while my dad is at work (he's had to get a school-bus drivers job to make ends meet). My sis is very close by but she cannot be with my mom 24/7. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 I'm def NEVER leaving this province. It's the only one to have repealed filial responsibility laws. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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