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Anonymous poll: has your DH ever hit your kids?

Halcyon

By Halcyon,
in General Education Discussion Board

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Has your husband ever hit your kids in anger  

  1. 1. Has your husband ever hit your kids in anger

    • Never.
      299
    • Once, never again.
      11
    • One to three times and he is in anger therapy
      2
    • Over 3 times and he is in anger therapy
      0
    • one to three time and he is NOT in therapy
      11
    • Over three times and he is NOT in therapy.
      3
    • Happened more than 3 times and we are divorced.
      0
    • Happened more than 3 times and we are not divorced but in therapy.
      1
    • Happened more than 3 times and we are not divorced and not in therapy.
      1

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Halcyon

Halcyon

Posted
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Posted
That would affect how I voted. ETA: Ok, I see the poll question is "hit your kids in anger" so I'm going to assume that we're not talking about spanking (although I can't remember him spanking either, so... )

 

Yes, I am not talking about spanking when used judiciously as a disciplnary measure by a parent. I am talking about lashing out.

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simka2

simka2

Posted
Posted (edited)
No. Never. I would consider it a sign of needing help immediately.

 

I agree, but we do not know the situation. If the family is dealing with a child with undiagnosed special needs, their parenting skills could have been pushed to the breaking point.

 

:grouphug: To your friend. It is a fine line between anger (because I have a temper) and anger (because things are out of control, I do not know what to do, and I am afraid about what this means for my child's future).

 

Help does not always mean anger management classes. There are a lot of things that could be playing into this situation.

 

Edited= I do think anger management should be included in any parenting skills regarding special needs. My only point is that if the parents do not know what they are facing, sometimes the "breaking point" brings the issue to the surface.

Edited by simka2
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Princess Peach

Princess Peach

Posted
Posted
I agree, but we do not know the situation. If the family is dealing with a child with undiagnosed special needs, their parenting skills could have been pushed to the breaking point.

 

:grouphug: To your friend. It is a fine line between anger (because I have a temper) and anger (because things are out of control, I do not know what to do, and I am afraid about what this means for my child's future).

 

Help does not always mean anger management classes. There are a lot of things that could be playing into this situation.

 

I really don't understand what you're saying here. It is never ok to hit a child. If their parenting is pushed to the breaking point, they still must maintain self-control. Abuse is abuse, provoked or not.

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Guest

Guest

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Posted
I really don't understand what you're saying here. It is never ok to hit a child. If their parenting is pushed to the breaking point, they still must maintain self-control. Abuse is abuse, provoked or not.

 

:iagree: 100%

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Audrey

Audrey

Posted
Posted

He's never hit and never spanked. I consider those the same thing, btw. He does lose his temper and will yell, but that is infrequent (maybe 3-4 times a year?).

 

For hitting of any kind, I think that is a sign of abnormal behaviour and should be managed immediately. Qualified counseling is a good first course, but before that, someone (another adult) has to intervene and get the perpetrator to a place where they will admit their violence and partake of help. Unfortunately, you can't force counseling on someone.

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Audrey

Audrey

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Posted
God, no. If that ever happened, he'd be out the door and we'd be done.

 

 

I am a real hard-a$$ on a lot of things, and I will agree that violence would be a deal-breaker, but...

 

I'm willing to concede that it could have been a momentary lapse of judgment, and if he were genuinely remorseful and would consider counseling, I would stay. There are so many factors that could be at play.

 

Having seen my parents deal with my dad's post-war rage, I do think people can be redeemed. Learn better and do better, so to speak. Yes, she kicked him out, but she took him to every counseling session and opened the door to him when he had regained her trust and his own humanity again. It took me a long time to understand the whys of it all, but I am glad she did that. I loved my father.

 

So... it depends. Remorse after a rash act? Maybe. Righteous indignation after repeated hitting/spanking? No way.

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simka2

simka2

Posted
Posted
I really don't understand what you're saying here. It is never ok to hit a child. If their parenting is pushed to the breaking point, they still must maintain self-control. Abuse is abuse, provoked or not.

I agree that hitting in anger needs to be addressed. I am not willing to jump on the "we would be gone" bandwagon though. If my dh hit out of anger and refused to look into why that happened...then we would be gone.

 

My point is that hitting is a sign of something, and it isn't always as simple as bad parenting.

 

Please do not go looking for there to be more to my words. ;)

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Whereneverever

Whereneverever

Posted
Posted
I agree, but we do not know the situation. If the family is dealing with a child with undiagnosed special needs, their parenting skills could have been pushed to the breaking point.

 

:grouphug: To your friend. It is a fine line between anger (because I have a temper) and anger (because things are out of control, I do not know what to do, and I am afraid about what this means for my child's future).

 

Help does not always mean anger management classes. There are a lot of things that could be playing into this situation.

 

Edited= I do think anger management should be included in any parenting skills regarding special needs. My only point is that if the parents do not know what they are facing, sometimes the "breaking point" brings the issue to the surface.

 

I agree we don't know the situation, but whatever precipitated it I still stand by that I would want him to get help. Help can be a lot of things and would depend on the whole picture.

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melissel

melissel

Posted
Posted

I think I'm confused about the definitions here. My DH spanked my DD6 one time, one spank on the bottom, in anger and an attempt to break the defiance, because they were in the middle of the woods while she was raging and trying to run away and physically fighting him. Are we saying that a spank on the bottom, in anger, needs anger management counseling and has potential for family disintegration? Or are we actually talking about something like a beating, a hard slap across the face, a prolonged and repeated hard spanking?

 

This may be the most bizarre spanking-related discussion I've ever seen on this board, and I'm finding it surreal to be on this side of it!

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LMD

LMD

Posted
Posted

I think the OP means losing control type of violence/anger - not just the appropriate anger/dissapointment due to bad behaviour?

 

My DH almost lost it once, but I stepped in and he got a hold of himself. It was very scary and I was considering walking out the door that night. He was immediately remorseful and it has never happened again.

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Virg

Virg

Posted
Posted
I agree that hitting in anger needs to be addressed. I am not willing to jump on the "we would be gone" bandwagon though. If my dh hit out of anger and refused to look into why that happened...then we would be gone.

 

My point is that hitting is a sign of something, and it isn't always as simple as bad parenting.

 

Please do not go looking for there to be more to my words. ;)

 

I know what you mean. It is never okay, but in special needs with EXTREMELY violent children parent support groups this has been brought up more than once. You can't know unless you have been there with such an extreme child. I fully agree that you need help of some kind, whether anger management or more effective ways of parenting a particular child or even removing the child to a foster home/inpatient facility that can deal with a child with particular needs. Something needs to be done and changed immediately but :grouphug: :grouphug: there can be other reasons besides being a horribly abusive parent. This is why many times CPS offers other types of help instead of removing a child from the home.

 

This is in no way supporting abusive parents just pointing out/agreeing that there can be other reasons besides horrible parent/person.

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melissel

melissel

Posted
Posted (edited)
I think the OP means losing control type of violence/anger - not just the appropriate anger/dissapointment due to bad behaviour?

 

My DH almost lost it once, but I stepped in and he got a hold of himself. It was very scary and I was considering walking out the door that night. He was immediately remorseful and it has never happened again.

 

OK, this makes sense. I was thinking the dichotomy was between the quick spank in the moment in anger and the "meet me up in your bedroom in 10 minutes" sort of spanking. I actually don't agree with either one, personally, but I don't think either is a marriage buster (unless it was a conscious philosophy that the other parent held and was non-negotiable on--for me, anyway).

 

That does kind of change my response, then. My answer would be no. DH was spanking in anger in that moment, but he also knew he was doing what needed to be done to break the rage and get her to the safety of the car. My mom was very upset with him later because DD6 had light finger bruises on her upper arms, and my mom thought he had tried to shake her or something. But that was how he had tried to pick her up to carry her away and she fought him kicking and screaming while he tried to not drop her. He was horrified that my mom could think he would do that to her intentionally. (The food-dye days were bad times :()

Edited by melissel
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Guest

Guest

Posted
Posted

No. Dh has never spanked or smacked them ever, for disciplinary reasons or out of anger. He doesn't even claim to be categorically against spanking, but he never has used spanking or smacking in anger.

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Bluegoat

Bluegoat

Posted
Posted

No, But, I'm not sure I think an adult loosing his, or her, cool and hitting is equal in every case.

 

I'll give an example - my dad once bit me on the finger, really hard, in a rage. I guess i was four or five. He was having a pee, and I snuck in the bathroom and bit him on the a** as hard as I could. Really hard. He was very surprised, and spun around and said "how do you like it" and bit my finger, and I started to cry. I have a really clear memory of it. He felt really bad about it pretty much right away.

 

And you know, I don't think he was a bad dad, an abuser, or that I should have been removed or he should have been kicked out. I wasn't somehow in danger, and having him kicked out would have been way more traumatic than what happened. As an adult I totally understand how that could happen with the adrenalin rush being bit like that would have caused.

 

I don't know what my mom said about it, and I'd be ticked if my dh did something like that. But I wouldn't think it was time to pack my bags.

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Princess Peach

Princess Peach

Posted
Posted
I agree that hitting in anger needs to be addressed. I am not willing to jump on the "we would be gone" bandwagon though. If my dh hit out of anger and refused to look into why that happened...then we would be gone.

 

My point is that hitting is a sign of something, and it isn't always as simple as bad parenting.

 

Please do not go looking for there to be more to my words. ;)

 

I wasn't trying to read into what you were saying. That's why I asked you to explain it. I'm actually kind of hurt that you would think that I was trying to start something with you. Maybe that's dumb of me, but it is what it is.

 

I didn't realize you were responding in terms of if you would leave your DH or not. Thanks for clarifying. I get what you're saying now. I am very fortunate that my kids do not have special needs and I have no idea what that's like.

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simka2

simka2

Posted
Posted
I wasn't trying to read into what you were saying. That's why I asked you to explain it. I'm actually kind of hurt that you would think that I was trying to start something with you. Maybe that's dumb of me, but it is what it is.

 

I didn't realize you were responding in terms of if you would leave your DH or not. Thanks for clarifying. I get what you're saying now. I am very fortunate that my kids do not have special needs and I have no idea what that's like.

 

I put a smilie after to try and convey some light heartedness. I didn't think you were, I just did not want to discuss it any deeper with anyone.

 

No worries! :D

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SonshineLearner

SonshineLearner

Posted
Posted

Whew!! Another good thing about my husband. He doesn't lash out physically at my children (or me) We use to spank, but our youngest is 8 and it worked for him, but not the way I/We wanted. SO, I think we're past the spank age/child. Seriously though, if we all got to walk around smacking... I'd have smacked him today, since he decided that 8 is a good age to be sassy, and he would have smacked me... because it's not a "tv day" .... Good thing we don't just smack each other when we're angry/not happy!!

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garddwr

garddwr

Posted
Posted

I agree with those who say a single lapse of judgement is not grounds to leave. People are complex, and situations are complex. I remember my dad slapping me on at least two occasions when I was a young teenager. He acted out of anger and it was wrong. But in the overall relationship with me and with the family it was a small blip.

 

I would look for a consistent pattern (possibly a cycle of hitting/remorse/hitting) or for real injury or potential for real injury. I agree that anyone with an anger problem should have help in working on it. My dad's rages were almost always non-violent, but his anger was a bigger problem in the family than he understood. It took all the older siblings (several adults by that time) standing up to him one Christmas when he got angry with one of the youngest to open his eyes to how inappropriate EVERYONE but him thought his behavior was. He worked hard to change after that.

 

It is strange to me that many people are horrified by physical violence but tolerate verbal and emotional violence. I think those can be the most destructive of all.

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ciyates

ciyates

Posted
Posted

No but I think there is a lot of missing information. Once when I was 16 I became very mouthy and disrespectful to my dad. I was completely out of line. My dad very, very gently slapped my mouth. I collapsed on the floor and cried for hours. He didn't hurt me, however, I learned never to do that again. I am not sure talking to me at that age would have made any difference :D.

My 16 year old DS who is a foot taller than me decided to argue with me and be disrespectful. His dad got in his face (very angry) and let him know that wasn't okay. While he didn't hit him he would have if the boy had kept pushing it. Sometimes it maybe what is called far.

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