Dance moms-has anyone ever successfully gotten a costume change for their child?

[Dmmetler]

My DD's jazz costume, which is supposed to be a "Spanish Dancer" sort of thing literally makes her look like a streetwalker. I understand where it's going and what the idea was (and the choreography that I've seen has been fine), but the thing has a glittery leo with corset lacing, then a short in front, longer in back black and red skirts, and long black velvet gloves. When we tried it on for sizing at the studio, and it was too big, over the leos, I hated it, but didn't realize just how BAD it looked. But at home, when I tried it on without a black leo under it, to take the straps up for length and to try to pin for width, I realized that the net effect is to give my barely 7 yr old a fairly curvy figure and to draw the eyes right to her cleavage, where the top, even pulled up, is about half a centimeter from a wardrobe malfunction. I do not have a single thing in MY wardrobe that low cut. An underleo in skin color solves the problem of the costume slipping and showing nipple-but not the fact that it still makes my DD look like a child prostitute. Adding performance makeup is only going to make this worse.

 

Trying just the skirt, gloves, and hairpiece on with her plain, black class leo is honestly much more age appropriate, and gives more of the "Spanish-Dancer" effect that I think was the intent, and I'd be willing to buy a nice leo, maybe one of the CK ones that she uses for gymnastics, to go with the accessories so she could dance. But as it stands now, there's no way I'd feel comfortable putting my child in this costume and putting her on stage.

 

So, how do I explain this to the instructor and the studio director. This really is the first inappropriate costume I've seen in the three years we've been at the studio-it just happens to be on MY child.

 

I know other parents are upset as well-but in talking while the girls were in Ballet, I think I'm the only one who is actually seriously considering pulling their child-the rest were saying things like "Maybe they can wear their leos under it". and "My daughter would be too upset for me to not let her dance". So I think I'll be fighting this battle alone.

[Mrs Mungo]

Costumes take several weeks to order, so a change is unlikely. I have only seen one person pull their child because of a costume and that was a boy who was stuck with a pink costume. Maybe adjustments can be made?

[DianeW88]

My dd is a professional ballerina, and I've never seen a successful costume change (for a student) after one has been made/ordered in the past 13 years.

 

The best you can do is try and modify it a bit...but don't do this without the artistic director's approval.

 

Also, understand that if you pull your dd from a role for a costume problem....she will never get another decent one from this studio. Complaining parents are the kiss of death for a dancer.

 

I don't know how serious your dd is about dance (or how serious a dance studio it is...a pre-professional program or Miss Suzy's Dancing School), or if you can find another studio where she can dance, but she will be labeled if you persue this too much or pull her from the number.

 

Not saying you shouldn't do it...just make sure you're prepared for her to be "overlooked" in future programs. No matter how nice they are to you about this particular incident....they will remember.

[Dmmetler]

I'd be willing to go to a local dance shop and buy a nice looking red or black leo that she could wear with the accessories (and I think she's towards the back on that dance anyway-it's not like tap where there's only 4 of them).

 

I'm wondering, now, if the instructor even realizes that these costumes are as revealing as they turned out to be-she's only seen them on the girls over their leos, and that doesn't give a true picture of how low cut they really are, and with several costumes being too big, I think her focus was "can this be taken in", not "how does this really look??".

[Tess in the Burbs]

When my daughter did dance as a toddler they were Disney princesses. Let's just say a 4 year old in Jasmine costume wasn't so good. Ariel either. Both moms were horrified of the costumes and skin showing. The teacher refused to do anything. So the moms added some extra skin colored fabric in places to help.

 

Not sure about a street walker costume but I would offer up that you are willing to help sew it into a more kid appropriate costume.

[chiguirre]

I know other parents are upset as well-but in talking while the girls were in Ballet, I think I'm the only one who is actually seriously considering pulling their child-the rest were saying things like "Maybe they can wear their leos under it". and "My daughter would be too upset for me to not let her dance". So I think I'll be fighting this battle alone.

 

I'd go for getting them to let the girls wear a black leotard under the costume. If you've got all the other moms on board, they'll probably go along with this idea. If you feel this strongly about dance costumes, I'd stick with ballet only next year since you're much less likely to have this problem.

 

Good luck!

[Bootsie]

Has the dance instructor seen your dd in the costume? I danced and I vividly remember trying on a costume, my parents calling the instructor, the instructor taking one look at the costume and saying "you're right, this just is not going to work; she can't go on stage looking like that."

 

Another thing to remember, however, is that costumes can look very different from the stage than they do in person. All of the lighting can make a huge difference. Is there any chance in this case that it would make a difference?

[Dmmetler]

Has the dance instructor seen your dd in the costume? I danced and I vividly remember trying on a costume, my parents calling the instructor, the instructor taking one look at the costume and saying "you're right, this just is not going to work; she can't go on stage looking like that."

 

Another thing to remember, however, is that costumes can look very different from the stage than they do in person. All of the lighting can make a huge difference. Is there any chance in this case that it would make a difference?

 

Not without something under it-and I think for my DD (and the other girls who ended up with costumes that were too large) her concern was whether it could be altered to fit-not how it looks. I think the other moms at ballet were having the same response-that we didn't realize how low cut it really was until we got home and saw it without the black leo underneath-and that this turns it from "not great, but we can live with it" to "Oh, my.......". It may be the instructor would have the same reaction.

 

I'm not sure if stage lighting would make it better or worse. I'm SURE that adding stage makeup will make her look even MORE like a prostitute off stage-but that blends in on stage quite well.

 

I think the choreography is more "Spanish Dancer" than streetwalker, which should help. I haven't seen the full dance straight through, but the parts I've seen look fine.

 

I don't want to totally mess DD up with dance-it's a major social thing for her to do with her friends, but I also think that she's not likely to stick with it long-term. She enjoys gymnastics (even though she's better at dance than gymnastics) and her rec cheer/pom team more than she does ballet and tap. Sadly, the class she enjoys most is jazz-and after this, I don't think we'll be doing another session. The studio is music theater focused, as opposed to classically focused, but seems solid as far as technique and instruction, and this really has been the first costume that I've seen in three years that's problematic.

 

I'll be showing DH this weekend. While usually dance is something in my domain, I don't want him seeing this costume for the first time on stage.

[snickelfritz]

I would go in to see her with the costume on, as prescribed. Then, I would recommend the cheapest, lowest hassle compromise. Maybe the black leotard on under it. There is a class full of girls whose families are shelling out big bucks for a recital (if it's like ours where you had to BUY the video, pictures, new tights, pay the recital or venue fee, etc, etc, etc,) And you already know the other parents aren't going to say anything. So, the instructor is going to worry about ticking them off by asking them to buy something else or to scrap the expensive costume that is paid for and non-refundable. It might be helpful, if you could get their support for wearing the black leotard under it before you go talk to her.

[Bluegoat]

I would have no issue bringing this up at my daughter's ballet school. I don't think the owner or the instructors would be unreasonable, and if the costumes really came off as inappropriate they would want to change them. Mind you, they don't order them, they have a huge collection of costumes that get remade every year in different ways by a seamstress. So they would likely just make an adjustment.

[Jenny in Florida]

My son was very involved at a local pre-professional dance school for several years. (He still dances, but is now focusing on tap at two different studios.)

 

I never say any parent complain about a costume and get it changed.

 

I will also say that the emphasis at most recitals I've seen is on making sure the kids look uniform on stage. So, unless you can come up with a solution that the teacher and studio director(s) accept AND the other parents are willing to do the same thing for their daughters, I don't think you'll get this changed.

[Dmmetler]

Sigh...I now have much greater understanding of how parents can "allow" their child to end up on you-tube dancing to Beyonce's Barenaked Ladies. I'm feeling really stuck here-basically, if I stick my neck out to state that I don't want DD dancing in a costume that is, I feel, inappropriate for a 7 yr old, I'm probably not going to get a change that's positive, and I'll mess things up for her at dance-which is probably her most consistent group of kids who she really enjoys spending time with. It's not just the dancing together several times a week (3 classes a week this year), it's that this provides the common glue to let them bond and be friends outside of dance, and DD really doesn't have that with anyone else. If I could pull her from this one dance in the recital, but let her continue to take the classes and do her tap and ballet routines in performance, that would be fine. She'd be mad at me-but I can live with that-but I'm not willing to walk away from the studio and DD's friends entirely.

 

And it just fits the stereotype to have the homeschool mom be the one who is most concerned about the costume.

 

Sigh.....I know that one costume, worn for a couple of performances, probably won't have great negative affects on DD's body image or view of herself, but I still don't like it. And I like it even less knowing that there will be photos and videos of her around wearing it, almost certainly accessible publicly due to facebook and youtube.

[prairiebird]

The only way we ever got a costume change for my daughter was when the fathers all got together and went to the studio to talk to the owners. Their first two weren't that bad, but still very revealing for a 5 year old. I think some of the moms were a bit upset, but no one really wanted to stir anything up for all the reasons stated upthread. But man, you get 8 fathers watching their now 6 year olds look like hookers on stage, they basically cornered the staff after the performance.

[Miss Peregrine]

If I could pull her from this one dance in the recital, but let her continue to take the classes and do her tap and ballet routines in performance, that would be fine. She'd be mad at me-but I can live with that-but I'm not willing to walk away from the studio and DD's friends entirely.

 

 

 

I would do just that. Let the instructor know that you feel the costume is inappropriate because it is ill-fitting and dd won't be able to participate in that dance.

[ByGrace3]

no advice, just :grouphug: I did want to encourage you. Your heart for your dd and modesty is admirable. You are doing the right thing, if you are uncomfortable with it stand up for that. This was the exact reason I was not disappointed at all when dd chose gymnastics over dance. And dh thought leotards were slightly inappropriate :tongue_smilie:

:grouphug:

[A.J. at J.A.]

 

Sigh.....I know that one costume, worn for a couple of performances, probably won't have great negative affects on DD's body image or view of herself, but I still don't like it. And I like it even less knowing that there will be photos and videos of her around wearing it, almost certainly accessible publicly due to facebook and youtube.

 

It is a slippery slope - I would feel very uncomfortable with it as well.

 

Blessings,

Angela

[fairfarmhand]

The only way we ever got a costume change for my daughter was when the fathers all got together and went to the studio to talk to the owners. Their first two weren't that bad, but still very revealing for a 5 year old. I think some of the moms were a bit upset, but no one really wanted to stir anything up for all the reasons stated upthread. But man, you get 8 fathers watching their now 6 year olds look like hookers on stage, they basically cornered the staff after the performance.

 

I like this. Dad's can address issues without looking like a mad wet hen. For whatever reason, they can get things done. I would take a picture of my dd in the costume, gently say to the director. "Can I show you something? I am a bit concerned that this is not the look that you were going for."

[Alte Veste Academy]

Sigh...I now have much greater understanding of how parents can "allow" their child to end up on you-tube dancing to Beyonce's Barenaked Ladies. I'm feeling really stuck here-basically, if I stick my neck out to state that I don't want DD dancing in a costume that is, I feel, inappropriate for a 7 yr old, I'm probably not going to get a change that's positive, and I'll mess things up for her at dance-which is probably her most consistent group of kids who she really enjoys spending time with. It's not just the dancing together several times a week (3 classes a week this year), it's that this provides the common glue to let them bond and be friends outside of dance, and DD really doesn't have that with anyone else. If I could pull her from this one dance in the recital, but let her continue to take the classes and do her tap and ballet routines in performance, that would be fine. She'd be mad at me-but I can live with that-but I'm not willing to walk away from the studio and DD's friends entirely.

 

And it just fits the stereotype to have the homeschool mom be the one who is most concerned about the costume.

 

Sigh.....I know that one costume, worn for a couple of performances, probably won't have great negative affects on DD's body image or view of herself, but I still don't like it. And I like it even less knowing that there will be photos and videos of her around wearing it, almost certainly accessible publicly due to facebook and youtube.

 

:grouphug: For what it's worth, this is a hill I would die on. I would push for the black leos and if that didn't work, I would pull my DD. We left her last dance school because of inappropriate costumes (and yes, I pulled her right before the recital). I explained it to her and she didn't love it but she actually didn't give me grief about it. She hasn't been to another dance school since then. She seems to be madly in love with art class and the violin and I'm extremely relieved that there is no costume drama with either of those extracurriculars.

[kathymuggle]

 

And it just fits the stereotype to have the homeschool mom be the one who is most concerned about the costume.

 

 

 

Well…if it helps, the year I was upset over a dance costume my daughter was in school ;)

 

My middle daughter took dance when she was 6.

 

After a ho-hum year of dance they put on a recital. The costume for her dance - a pink, loosely knitted handkerchief top (with almost no back - just a strap), and a fairly short skirt. The skirt was Ok, but the shirt….oh, my.

 

I am not a prude, and I do not doubt my daughter has worn skimpier clothes before and after, but the choice of clothes that seemed designed to deliberately make my daughter look more adult and sexualised did not sit well with me. I did not complain, but she did not go back the following year.

 

Given the fact your daughter really likes her dance class and most of the costumes have been fine over the three year period, I would give talking to the studio a shot. I doesn't have to be put up with it or drop out - well, it might come down to that, but you won't know unless you try.

 

I would keep volatile language out of it (such as "streetwalker") and focus on fit and the possibility of DD revealing things accidentally which would be horrifying for DD. I would focus on the easiest solution and I would volunteer to do it on all costumes if necessary.

Edited February 3, 2012 by kathymuggle

[Alte Veste Academy]

The only way we ever got a costume change for my daughter was when the fathers all got together and went to the studio to talk to the owners. Their first two weren't that bad, but still very revealing for a 5 year old. I think some of the moms were a bit upset, but no one really wanted to stir anything up for all the reasons stated upthread. But man, you get 8 fathers watching their now 6 year olds look like hookers on stage, they basically cornered the staff after the performance.

 

How did I miss this? This is brilliant advice. I would have your DH go to bat for you if your black leo suggestion doesn't go over.

[MathGirl]

My DD has been in dance for years (and I have no doubt she will dance as long as she can) and this is my biggest fear. I just know it's only a matter of time before she is required to wear a costume (or do moves) that I do not think is appropriate. If I were in your shoes, I would talk to the moms first and see if we could all come up with a cheap, nice-looking solution. Then, I would go talk to the instructor. I really think most instructors' biggest concern is that everyone looks uniform on stage and they would be willing to compromise as long as this goal was still accomplished.

:grouphug:

[Alte Veste Academy]

the choice of clothes that seemed to deliberately make my daughter look more adult and sexualised

 

:rant:

 

I shouldn't even have clicked on this thread to begin with. It's bringing up my ugly memories of incredulity at the costumes they picked for my daughter. She was in a class for 5-7 year old girls for Pete's sake! It was ballet, jazz, and tap and they were dancing to Living on a Prayer, Stand by Me (this one was fine, but not exactly typical little girl material), and some other rock song. Then they were dressed in hoochie outfits. Really? Why can't 5-7 little girls be dressed as little girls? Why? I don't care that I was the only one who pulled my daughter. I care that my daughter was living by our values, not according to the ridiculously skewed perception the world now seems to have about what is appropriate for Kindergartener through second grade.

 

:rant:

[angela in ohio]

Start with a compliment: "I might not otherwise feel comfortable saying something, but over the years your taste has been so good in costumes, and I know you will understand."

 

Then tell them, without words like "streetwalker" as a pp said: "I know we didn't notice because they had the leotards on underneath, but I feel like this costume is just too revealing for this age. I'd like to work with you to figure out what we can do, because I'm just not comfortable letting her go on stage in this, and she will be so disappointed, because she just loves dance here. My suggestion is to have them wear a black leotard instead of the top, but you might even have a better idea."

 

I wouldn't mention talking to the other mothers AT ALL. That paints you as a pot-stirrer, even if the other mothers brought it up.

 

Your other option is to come in all suprised. "Oh my goodness, did you see what's wrong with these tops?!" with a big grin and laugh like it's so awful it's funny. Than say "Did you guys decide what we're doing about it yet?"

[Heather in Neverland]

:grouphug: For what it's worth, this is a hill I would die on. I would push for the black leos and if that didn't work, I would pull my DD. We left her last dance school because of inappropriate costumes (and yes, I pulled her right before the recital). I explained it to her and she didn't love it but she actually didn't give me grief about it. She hasn't been to another dance school since then. She seems to be madly in love with art class and the violin and I'm extremely relieved that there is no costume drama with either of those extracurriculars.

 

:iagree: not to mention there is NO WAY my dh would go for our daughter dressing like a streetwalker for ANY reason. It's tough to be counter-cultural. :grouphug:

[I talk to the trees]

I agree with the other posters that you're probably not going to have a positive outcome if you confront the dance teacher about the costume. But I can completely understand where you're coming from not wanting your dd to wear a costume like that. My dd has been dancing for the past 7 years, and dh and I comment each year on the increasing number of completely inappropriate, tacky, "hoochie mamma" costumes. I'll never, ever forget sitting behind a group of 5-6 teenage boys at one of the recitals. One of the (8-10 yr olds, I think) jazz costumes was black fishnet stockings, black vinyl hot pants, and a black vinyl half tank top. As the lights went on on the dancers, one of the boys turned to his friend and said, "If that were my daughter, I'd pull her off that stage!" The other boys just nodded in agreement. It's a pretty sad commentary when the teenagers in the audience disapprove of the costumes.

 

I may get flamed for this suggestion, but here goes! At your dd's age, unless she's on some sort of competition team or has a major solo bit in the dance, one dance isn't all that important. I might casually mention that I found the costumes kind of tacky, and see what happens. If enough of the moms agree, you might be able to convince the teacher to go with the black leo idea. If not.....I think I'd "forget" or "misplace" the costume. That way, she's out of the dance, but the blame is placed on you (the forgetful parent) without making problems for your dd. But that's me. I hate confrontations, and I hate dance-mom drama.

 

The icky costume issue is one of the big reasons why dd takes ballet only. Well, that, and she adores ballet.

[Starr]

If you don't think you'll get anywhere talking maybe something needs to come up so you'll be away the weekend of the show. ;)

[elfgivas]

i pm'd you, but forgot to ask what your daughter thinks of the costume?

 

one approach might be to have your daughter put it on without the leotard so that the teacher can show you what alterations she wants you all to make to have them be decent and uniform. that might open up the ability to suggest the leotard.

 

i have also been known to find the same costume on the web, and order the correct size for dd, and just eat the cost. the twice i've done this, it was less than $100 even with rush shipping..... and worth it for good studio relations.

 

fwiw,

ann

 

eta: would a strategically placed flower help? if so, maybe you could offer to get them for everyone, given that your dd is not the only one with a costume too big and therefore too revealing? and then there is the 25 foot rule...... its a costume; at 25 feet away, will it look too revealing or will it just look like a spanish dancer? (that's the stage rule for costumes we use). good luck!

Edited February 3, 2012 by elfgivas@yahoo.com

[Nan in Mass]

Is it better if you leave off the gloves? That would be an inexpensive fix and one that the studio might be willing to make. If you did that and shortened the straps so the costume comes up to a respectable level, you might wind up with something more medieval-peasant-with-a-Spanish-flavour look. Lacing on a dance costume is pretty typical. It is probably the red/black combination that is the problem. If the costume were in yellow and blue, it probably wouldn't be as bad, especially without the gloves. Too bad you can't bleach the whole batch of costumes white GRIN. You might need to alter the costume a bit more extensively to get it up high enough, possibly cutting the crotch in two and adding a piece of fabric so the whole thing reaches up higher and/or trimming the arm holes, but I think that part could probably be done to your child's costume without having it scream "I'm different" when she stands in a row. If all else fails, I think I would at least do this. It wouldn't be hard to tack in an extra piece of lace across the front of the costumes, either. Getting the other parents to do something is probably going to be difficult, but you might be able to convince everyone at least to leave off the gloves.

 

Nan

[cougarmom4]

It's a hill I'd die on, too. I think it is worth talking to the instructor about...and if she won't allow changes, I'd keep my dd out of that one dance. Even if she's mad...even if everyone thinks I'm nuts...even if its going to ruin any chance of future roles (she's 7, right?)....no way would I let my dd dance in hootchie clothes.

 

Maybe the instructor will be more careful about dances and costumes in the future if someone speaks up about it now.

[kathymuggle]

:iagree: not to mention there is NO WAY my dh would go for our daughter dressing like a streetwalker for ANY reason. It's tough to be counter-cultural. :grouphug:

 

I don't think it is entirely counter-cultural. I think many (most) adults are not Ok with young girls being dressed like streetwalkers.

 

What I do think is the majority of us are afraid to speak up and make waves. Often for fear of upsetting our daughters.

 

I do wish I had spoken up about my daughters costume (instead of just not re-enrolling her). How are things going to change unless adults are willing to stand up for their children?

 

edited to add: totally agree with the Dh part. Dh should have an equal say in this. In my mind, if either parent is not ok with the costume, the daughter should be removed from the production.

Edited February 3, 2012 by kathymuggle

[DianeW88]

Something else I should have added....and I'm being brutally honest here, because I've spent too many years in the world of dance, and it can be ugly.

 

If you make a stink about this costume (more than just a passing comment, such as, "Hmm, it looks like she's going to flash everyone in this because it doesn't seem to be fitting her properly, is there anything we can do?"), your dd will most likely be on the receiving end of some snarky comments. Not just from teachers, but from other mothers and often their dds (who've overheard Mom talking with other moms or the director).

 

Dance moms are very cliquey and can be mean. Especially if they think someone else is messing things up for their little sweetheart. So, if they perceive that their little Suzy might not get to be in a number because you complained about the costumes and the director is now in a pickle ("maybe we should just scrap this number, because I can't deal with a whiny parent"), they will very likely take it out on your dd. It'll be subtle, but it will be there. She may be ostracized a bit by the other girls, especially if their moms are talking. They'll never be mean to your face (well, not usually, but there may be that one...:lol:), but if you've caused a problem, it will get around...fast, and you'll be THAT mom.

 

Again, not telling you that you shouldn't pursue this if it's really important to you. I just wanted to let you know what might happen as a result. Oh, and the older your dd gets, the more competitive the whole mess gets, too. :glare: Of course, by the time your dd is about 14, you can become a "drop off" mom and avoid all the nonsense, which seems to peak with mothers who have dds around age 12-13. If your dd lasts in dance beyond that age, she's either very talented (which will carry her through) or she's just doing it for fun (and doesn't care).

 

Either way....good luck!! It's a journey I don't ever want to repeat. My dd deals with her own dance problems now. :party:

[mommaduck]

Is there no seamstress to make alterations??? We have close friends with a daughter in dance. The troupe has a professional seamstress. This last dance though, there was a costuming issue/conflict. I informed my friend that she is to call me immediately if it ever happens again or if there are any other costuming issues, because I could come in and take care of it for her (and if it's something I can't do, I'll let her know and we'll figure something out).

 

Another question: how does it look on her if she's on stage, with stage lights, and from a far seat? I know that stage makeup and costume can look like one thing up close, but looks entirely different from afar. What looks dramatic and "trampy" up close is done so that you can acquire a "normal looking" effect once on stage, under lights, and from a distance. Otherwise, everyone would look washed out and frumpy.

Edited February 3, 2012 by mommaduck

[Kertie]

No experience in asking for a costume change, but as I was reading this, I got to wondering if instead of "complaining", you just tell the instructor that "we" (you and the other moms-that-shall-remain-nameless) were really surprised by how the costume looked when worn as prescribed and wondered if the girls could wear their black leotards under them, or if that was a no-no. Perhaps just approaching it from an angle other than "I'm horrified and want a costume change" would help (not that you were planning on saying that). But then, again, we're only in our second year of ballet here, and I haven't seen this year's costume yet;).

[Dmmetler]

One of the other moms has started a FB thread on "What are we going to do about this"-and her daughter's costume actually fits fairly well. She's posted photos of her DD with and without a black leo underneath and with and without the black gloves, and the moms on the thread seem pretty convinced that if we go without the gloves and with the black leo underneath (or, another mom suggested a lace trimmed cami, where most of what shows over the cleavage is black lace, which would match the rest of the costume more closely), as long as the hair is styled "Spanish dancer", it should be OK on stage. I can live with that, given the context of the dance and that the choreography/music is OK. I do plan to sit down with DH, and go through this with him, though-and see if he'd be OK with DD wearing the costume on stage and under what conditions.

 

Looking at costumes online, I have to admit that the bodice, with the lacing and even the neckline, isn't all that different from some of the medieval/peasant type ballet costumes (which would also need an underleo of some kind to avoid a potential wardrobe malfunction unless the costume was fitted perfectly)-but somehow, what looks sweet in pastels looks very different in red/black, and the flamenco style skirt is a very different silhouette than a tutu. Looking at those, I can see why the instructor might have selected this costume, from photos, without thinking about it being overly sexualized for a bunch of little girls, especially since there don't seem to be a lot of choices in Spanish Dancer costumes that are actually going to work well for Jazz dance with young dancers.

 

Thanks for helping and bearing with me-Sometimes, it helps to be able to vent and get the feelings out BEFORE you go off on a tirade.