AngelBee Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 No details...just need a hug and any wisdom/advice from mamas who solo parent. Thanks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
butterflymommy Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 Try to be thankful he's paying the bills (assuming he is) and not violent/ cheating/ gambling/ emotionally cruel (assuming he isn't) and don't expect ANYTHING else beyond that. Low expectations are best in these situations. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MorganClassicalPrep Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 :grouphug: Not sure I have any advice, since I am only parenting one and obviously needs are much, much different than parenting many but... :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen in PA Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlessedMom Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 :grouphug: That is challenging, I am sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementine Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 So sorry. :grouphug: I guess I agree with the poster who said "no expectations". :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SorrelZG Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 I'm reading this book I picked up today. Gonna share a passage with you.. ----- pg. 181 ....one spiritual counselor referred to her husband of nearly forty years as "my benevolent jailer." "In most of the time we've been together," she told us, "I've worked at home to ease his constant concern about me. Only recently have I begun to realize how subtly and expertly I've designed my life to stay within the security of his love. This fine tailoring insulated me from a vulnerability to other relationships, and therefore to life, in ways I had not even suspected." ----- My personal life compared to yours would be apples to oranges all the way down the timeline. But I can tell you, that I am a woman, who at her core, is fierce with the spirit of a single mother. I have this spirit of resilience having just led a life of the unexpected challenges of going it alone. It took me more than half my life to wake up and laugh at myself and my attitude above. The thing is, you really have never walked a minute of this solo. Not one second. ----- You know those stories, those ones about people who "hear the voice of God" and have this transformative moments? They see angels and stuff..you know where I'm going with this.... I had one once. I was sitting at my kitchen table in an honest pit of despair- sobbing, heaving, crying, lonely, scared...basically out of my mind. It was my first day with the reality of being alone with children to care for & an unknown future that looked then, completely terminal. I remember thinking (maybe even saying aloud)...."God I cannot take one more minute of this, I will do anything to change this around. Please help me." Like a bolt of lightning hitting me at a place I cannot still frame in words came an answer that said (maybe even aloud)- "I will help you when you get out of my way." --- Life's never been the same since that second of my life. My literal soul was opened that day to a knowing. I tell you that story because I want you to know you aren't alone; that in this life as a mother and a wife..or spouse, it's okay to max and meet and touch your limits. There is a deep learning that can take place in times like these. Be gentle with yourself, pay attention to the small joys; they'll see you though. Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twinmami01 Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 This is a tough situation. I know every situation is different but never lose hope. I only say this because after 14 years of marriage, my marriage is in a different place than it was before. Its so much better now than it was and I for the longest, I felt like my situation is hopeless. Praying for you and your situation. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommee & Baba Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 I'm sorry! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelBee Posted January 12, 2012 Author Share Posted January 12, 2012 I know doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result is fruitless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs. A Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 Low expectations are best in these situations. :grouphug: :iagree: I have found that when I don't expect anything, I am always pleasantly surprised with something. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 I know you have been working towards something better. It doesn't seem fair. It's not fair. I'm really sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UnsinkableKristen Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 I'm reading this book I picked up today. Gonna share a passage with you..----- pg. 181 ....one spiritual counselor referred to her husband of nearly forty years as "my benevolent jailer." "In most of the time we've been together," she told us, "I've worked at home to ease his constant concern about me. Only recently have I begun to realize how subtly and expertly I've designed my life to stay within the security of his love. This fine tailoring insulated me from a vulnerability to other relationships, and therefore to life, in ways I had not even suspected." ----- My personal life compared to yours would be apples to oranges all the way down the timeline. But I can tell you, that I am a woman, who at her core, is fierce with the spirit of a single mother. I have this spirit of resilience having just led a life of the unexpected challenges of going it alone. It took me more than half my life to wake up and laugh at myself and my attitude above. The thing is, you really have never walked a minute of this solo. Not one second. ----- You know those stories, those ones about people who "hear the voice of God" and have this transformative moments? They see angels and stuff..you know where I'm going with this.... I had one once. I was sitting at my kitchen table in an honest pit of despair- sobbing, heaving, crying, lonely, scared...basically out of my mind. It was my first day with the reality of being alone with children to care for & an unknown future that looked then, completely terminal. I remember thinking (maybe even saying aloud)...."God I cannot take one more minute of this, I will do anything to change this around. Please help me." Like a bolt of lightning hitting me at a place I cannot still frame in words came an answer that said (maybe even aloud)- "I will help you when you get out of my way." --- Life's never been the same since that second of my life. My literal soul was opened that day to a knowing. I tell you that story because I want you to know you aren't alone; that in this life as a mother and a wife..or spouse, it's okay to max and meet and touch your limits. There is a deep learning that can take place in times like these. Be gentle with yourself, pay attention to the small joys; they'll see you though. Good luck. For a very different reason, I really needed to hear this tonight. Thank you ever so much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelBee Posted January 12, 2012 Author Share Posted January 12, 2012 For a very different reason, I really needed to hear this tonight. Thank you ever so much. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ibbygirl Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 :grouphug: I'm so sorry. That just stinks. I think some Ben and Jerry's is in order and lots of :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 Are you in a position to hire or barter for some help? Tutoring for a mother's helper? Resume help for some house cleaning? It might not be the same as a co-parent, but it might be something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myeightkiddies Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iamrachelle Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 I've got nothin'. :D Just thought I'd stop in and offer another :grouphug:. FWIW, I don't expect my DH to "help" in any way with the day in and day out of homeschooling. He likes to say he's the PE coach... which is cool, really. I despise physical education. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annandatje Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 I know you have been working towards something better. It doesn't seem fair. It's not fair. I'm really sorry. :iagree: I am sorry for the situation you are in. I do not know details of what strategies you have tried. I assume you have laid out your expectations of household help from him. You've probably tried things like going out with friends for evening and telling him he will need to clean up kitchen and put kids to bed. I guess you've told him his responsibility to family does not end with financial support. I hope you find solutions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plain jane Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 I don't solo parent... for the most part... but I've got a fair number of kiddos too and, well... I know it's not easy.... :001_unsure: :grouphug::grouphug:Angelbee:grouphug::grouphug: May you find peace and a calm through this storm. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelBee Posted January 12, 2012 Author Share Posted January 12, 2012 Part of the problem is that I homeschool, coach a dance team for money, and own a dance academy. I need support for child care and he is unreliable. I have NO money to pay at this point. Am looking into barters or begging my loved ones. I asked dh to leave last night. I need room to think. I had to work at 6. He was to b home by 5 to watch kids and with keys for studio. He arrived at 230am. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelBee Posted January 12, 2012 Author Share Posted January 12, 2012 By the grace of God I made it to work. My brother babysat. My sister covered dinner. And karate instrudtor happened to have new class at same time as my class so I could get in. But that should never happen like that. That is stress the I do not need. Plus this is putting too much responsibility on my ds19. Ds never knows when dh is taking over child care. Ds is suppose to have them 4 days a week for 2 hours inbetween hen I leave and dh gets home. Good thing.....dance team is over in a month. So that removes a lot of time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 Maybe you could find out if one of the families that dances with you is also in financial need? They might be willing to swap child care for dance classes? I'm sorry you're going through this. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelBee Posted January 12, 2012 Author Share Posted January 12, 2012 Maybe you could find out if one of the families that dances with you is also in financial need? They might be willing to swap child care for dance classes? I'm sorry you're going through this. :grouphug: That's a good idea. All of my families need help. Hmm...a couple stay on site as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnitWit Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 :grouphug: I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you are still dealing with this issue. Praying for the logistics to work out for your schedule and for you to have the strength to do what you need to do, when you need to do it. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MorganClassicalPrep Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 Maybe you could find out if one of the families that dances with you is also in financial need? They might be willing to swap child care for dance classes? I'm sorry you're going through this. :grouphug: I was just going to suggest this. I would barter child care for dance classes in a heart beat- it's so expensive!!! I bet there would be many people willing to do this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy Jo Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 Don't expect or plan for help. Don't count on him, just be glad for what you get. It's hard. (And don't give up or burn bridges if possible, it can get better.) Can you compensate your eldest son? Or have the older kids take turns watching the youngers, but give them fewer chores elsewhere or more privileges? Anyway, it sounds like you have some good ideas. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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