I just got this email from my IL's...

[LisaKinVA]

..."we are coming for a visit in January." We will be there from X to X.

 

There was more, but I haven't found my eyes to pop them back in my head, and my jaw is still hanging.

 

And inside I have this CARP! I think there is something going on that weekend, and I can't remember what it is.

[NanceXToo]

"Wonderful! Do you need help booking a hotel? We do have plans already for part of the time you mentioned, but we look forward to spending some of your visit with you!"

[UnsinkableKristen]

"Wonderful! Do you need help booking a hotel? We do have plans already for part of the time you mentioned, but we look forward to spending some of your visit with you!"

 

 

:iagree:

[Live2Ride]

"Wonderful! Do you need help booking a hotel? We do have plans already for part of the time you mentioned, but we look forward to spending some of your visit with you!"

 

:iagree: as well.

[In the Rain]

"Wonderful! Do you need help booking a hotel? We do have plans already for part of the time you mentioned, but we look forward to spending some of your visit with you!"

 

:lol: I could never be so bold, but this is funny!

[Stacy in NJ]

Again, like last time, just NO.

 

..."we are coming for a visit in January." We will be there from X to X.

 

There was more, but I haven't found my eyes to pop them back in my head, and my jaw is still hanging.

 

And inside I have this CARP! I think there is something going on that weekend, and I can't remember what it is.

 

ETA: "No" sounds like this......

 

I'm sorry, but that is not going to work for us. We have plans that weekend. We'd love to have you another time, though. If you suggest some dates we'll let you know if they work for us.

Edited January 9, 2012 by Stacy in NJ

[Jennifer3141]

"Wonderful! Do you need help booking a hotel? We do have plans already for part of the time you mentioned, but we look forward to spending some of your visit with you!"

 

This is the PERFECT reply! :iagree:

[MamaT]

I agree with just say no. My dh is in charge of telling his mother no. Can your dh handle it for you?

[Hoggirl]

"Wonderful! Do you need help booking a hotel? We do have plans already for part of the time you mentioned, but we look forward to spending some of your visit with you!"

 

I want to be just like you when I grow up!

 

I can never think of the perfect thing to say!!

[Jean in Newcastle]

Weren't your ILs the ones who were at your house over Christmas - when your house wasn't finished and caused problems? Or am I thinking of someone else?

[jplain]

Weren't your ILs the ones who were at your house over Christmas - when your house wasn't finished and caused problems? Or am I thinking of someone else?

I think yes, but over Thanskgiving.

 

Lisa, you and your husband are going to have to start setting boundaries regarding visits sooner or later.

I vote for sooner. No point delaying any longer. It isn't good for your blood pressure. :D

 

Fortunately for me, my DH was willing to do the dirty work. He chose to send a very clear and direct email to the relative in question, and it appears the message was understood.

[Impish]

:grouphug:

I'm expecting a similar announcement from MIL.

 

Wolf asked her about it recently, and she hedged. He also pointed out that the ppl she's intending to stay w/, the dh is a heavy smoker in the house, and MIL has asthma.

 

Her response? "They said they had a room for me!"

 

The fact that the entire house (actually, it's a trailer) would be saturated w/smoke is something she's choosing to ignore. :banghead:

 

Until she's there, ends up in the ER w/an asthma attack, and expects us to fix it, of course.

[Catwoman]

If you don't want them to come, or the timing is inconvenient, is there any reason why you (or preferably your dh, because it's his parents,) can't just say no?

[Catwoman]

:lol: I could never be so bold, but this is funny!

 

How could you not be so bold? (Assuming you weren't excited about the upcoming visit, of course. :))

 

Personally, if someone wants to visit me, it's on my terms, not theirs. And they will definitely be staying in a hotel, as I don't do the overnight guest thing.

 

I think anyone who is uncomfortable with having someone "announce" when they will be visiting them, needs to establish some boundaries... quickly.

 

Your life, your house, your rules.

[Impish]

How could you not be so bold? (Assuming you weren't excited about the upcoming visit, of course. :))

 

Personally, if someone wants to visit me, it's on my terms, not theirs. And they will definitely be staying in a hotel, as I don't do the overnight guest thing.

 

I think anyone who is uncomfortable with having someone "announce" when they will be visiting them, needs to establish some boundaries... quickly.

 

Your life, your house, your rules.

It sounds so simple, so common sense.

 

I know for us, saying 'No' results in one of three reactions. 1) Completely ignored, absolutely no apparent memory of it. 2) Huge hissy fit, enlistment of extended family members against the 'mean, uncaring, selfish kids' or c) Taken as a personal challenge to do exactly what we've said no to, and force our compliance.

 

We use 'no' only when it's absolutely something we can't manage, even if it's something we dislike but can live with. If it's important enough for us to wage the battle, we do. Not that we've always won the battle either. *sigh*

 

It would be nice if saying no was just respected, and we didn't have to tolerate all the rest of the carp.

 

I suspect the OP is in a similar situation.

[LisaKinVA]

Weren't your ILs the ones who were at your house over Christmas - when your house wasn't finished and caused problems? Or am I thinking of someone else?

 

They did cause all sorts of problems... at Thanksgiving. They are coming out this way to pick up another boat for my FIL (we won't get started on THAT topic :tongue_smilie:), and since we are "just" 6hrs away from where they'll be, MIL wants to come here.

 

I just told dh...I got this response :001_huh:.

[Myeightkiddies]

"Wonderful! Do you need help booking a hotel? We do have plans already for part of the time you mentioned, but we look forward to spending some of your visit with you!"

 

I want to be just like you when I grow up!

 

I can never think of the perfect thing to say!!

 

Me too.

[LisaKinVA]

It sounds so simple, so common sense.

 

I know for us, saying 'No' results in one of three reactions. 1) Completely ignored, absolutely no apparent memory of it. 2) Huge hissy fit, enlistment of extended family members against the 'mean, uncaring, selfish kids' or c) Taken as a personal challenge to do exactly what we've said no to, and force our compliance.

 

We use 'no' only when it's absolutely something we can't manage, even if it's something we dislike but can live with. If it's important enough for us to wage the battle, we do. Not that we've always won the battle either. *sigh*

 

It would be nice if saying no was just respected, and we didn't have to tolerate all the rest of the carp.

 

I suspect the OP is in a similar situation.

 

Yup... THIS. Oh, the stories... We moved 22 hours away. That alone saved me from becoming an insane alcoholic.

[Tigger]

"Wonderful! Do you need help booking a hotel? We do have plans already for part of the time you mentioned, but we look forward to spending some of your visit with you!"

 

:iagree:

 

I've had to do this type reply before - once you do it, it gets easier if they do it again (plan to visit without even asking if you're free for the dates) and sometimes even gets them to ASK before just telling you.

[Impish]

Yup... THIS. Oh, the stories... We moved 22 hours away. That alone saved me from becoming an insane alcoholic.

We're a similar distance...plane ride, at any rate.

 

You have my complete empathy, sympathy, and understanding :grouphug:

[jplain]

It would be nice if saying no was just respected, and we didn't have to tolerate all the rest of the carp.

You don't "have to tolerate" it. You choose to tolerate it because you don't like the alternatives.

 

But don't kid yourself. It is a choice.

 

Every time you tell yourself you have no choice, you make it harder and harder to turn the situation around.

 

Worse, you are teaching your children to put up with being treated poorly.

 

When will you say NO MORE?

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:Big hug, I understand exactly where you're coming from.

 

My mil, is very used to getting her way and ignoring any previous agreements set in place; she loves e-mailing or phoning dh at work when he's busy..."I'll be there Friday with x & x ."

 

Fil passed away last year, and I kind of put my foot in it the last time she declared a visit. I said, "No, well meet you at x." She turned on the tears, ripped dh's heart out, but we still met at x." She was super late, and hostile to me, but it was better than having her and x&x here. I have no idea if hubby will be able to have a relationship with her on anything but her terms.

 

..."we are coming for a visit in January." We will be there from X to X.

 

There was more, but I haven't found my eyes to pop them back in my head, and my jaw is still hanging.

 

And inside I have this CARP! I think there is something going on that weekend, and I can't remember what it is.

 

They did cause all sorts of problems... at Thanksgiving. They are coming out this way to pick up another boat for my FIL (we won't get started on THAT topic :tongue_smilie:), and since we are "just" 6hrs away from where they'll be, MIL wants to come here.

 

I just told dh...I got this response :001_huh:.

[C_l_e_0..Q_c]

The other thing we've done is tell them how to hook up to electricity and sewer--there's an entire pasture out there for their RV's! And lots of camping on the far side of the ranch--just make sure you don't leave food out for the bears...

 

Oohh! We'll be there from June 24th to July 7th of this year. But don't worry, we won't bother you :lol:

[eternalknot]

My in-laws have always done this. I used to try to be accommodating, but that got me nowhere; give an inch, take a mile. My husband spent most of our marriage away, either deployed or in the field, and sometimes stationed in another state, so he wasn't always available to intervene. He's more put off by their behavior than I am. I try to be polite, even though it's irritating. He just flat out refuses them and yells at them, which - I'm secretly living vicarously through, but not very comfortable with his disrespect towards them (or our children seeing this).

 

So over the years I've fallen into the habit of being slightly available, but I won't cancel any standing plans nor will I refuse any later-made plans that might interfere with the visit. If they're going to come on their terms, the actual stay will be more on mine. They're responsible for finding a way to fit into our day/life; it's not my job to make the kids any more available. We no longer clear the schedule for them. Instead I email/print out our agenda for them to reference. It helps that we spend a lot of time on the go, and we like to keep busy. The in-laws can't keep up and have less interest in trying to.

 

It took about 2-3 visits like this where they were squeezed and penciled in between extracurriculars and pre-existing plans before they got a bit better about things. We had one blow-up where they got mad that they "came all the way out" but only got a few hours here and there with the kids. My point exactly - that's what happens when you schedule your visit without checking into what we've already got going on. They'll still sometimes tell me when they're coming, but more and more they'll ask what weekend in x-month looks good for a visit. I resist the urge to tell them: NONE! It has taken some give/take on my end, too.

[elfgivas]

do you want them to visit?

does dh?

 

if so, then say yes. if not, then say no.

then the consequences will happen.

 

my dad just did this to us, but will stay in a hotel. its a weekend we go camping each year. we are still trying to decide which way to go. he's 82; this will not last forever. sigh.....

 

fwiw,

ann

[Murphy101]

You don't "have to tolerate" it. You choose to tolerate it because you don't like the alternatives.

 

But don't kid yourself. It is a choice.

 

Every time you tell yourself you have no choice, you make it harder and harder to turn the situation around.

 

Worse, you are teaching your children to put up with being treated poorly.

 

When will you say NO MORE?

 

Absolutely 110% agree. Yes, it will be unpleasant to deal with it at first, but it's either deal with it briefly when you refuse or deal with it for the rest of your/their life because the pattern is allowed to continue disrupting your life. Choice is yours.

[LisaKinVA]

When we lived around the corner from my IL's... "No" came easily, and frequently. Now, the children see my IL's usually once OR twice a year, beyond that is rare.

 

The children love their grandparents. My MIL will always lack tact, and have difficulty seeing things from a different perspective. My saying "No" simply to say "No" won't do anything other than make for more tension. Do I feel a bit blind-sided, yes. Is it the end of the world? No. Will my children even know there is a problem? No.

 

The children will attend their normal activities, but unless we are going to be out of town, I won't just say "no" to this. In this case, my MIL's heart is in the right place (wanting to spend time with her grandkids), but her way going about it is wrong (instead of asking us if this is a good plan, even if it is a bit "spur of the moment", just telling us they are coming). This bad habit of hers isn't going to change, no matter how loudly or how often I say "NO."

 

Yes, it's my "choice" to be inconvenienced right now... but otoh, I won't have to deal with anything until probably Christmas. I really don't know when, because their "schedule" (being able to leave the cottages) and our schedule (year round swimming, choir, drama, scout camps) don't really mesh well.

 

FWIW, we told them in the past that if they asked us AGAIN in front of the children, if ds#1 could fly out by himself to visit... they would no longer be welcome here (we had already said ds could... once he was 10, but they kept asking and promising, trying to get us to change our minds and making us the "bad guys" with the kids...). THAT kind of stuff dh and I will take a bold and necessary stand... this? not so much.

 

All this said, I do kind of wish they were coming the 19-23, because then I could say, "well that's nice, but C & K will be away at a swim meet Sat/Sun, and Josh has a basketball game on Sat, plus the Pinewood Derby. Kids are in practice Thurs/Friday... you're welcome to sleep here, but we're terribly busy. I'm sure Shaun wouldn't mind help with the two littles... and there is still plenty of finish work to be done. ;)

[MariannNOVA]

I would have dh say to them:

 

'Do you prefer the Marriott or the Hilton? Your staying here doesn't work for that time frame, but I will gladly make a phone call so you have a place to stay in whichever place you prefer.'

 

And that would be the end of that.

[Impish]

You don't "have to tolerate" it. You choose to tolerate it because you don't like the alternatives.

 

But don't kid yourself. It is a choice.

 

Every time you tell yourself you have no choice, you make it harder and harder to turn the situation around.

 

Worse, you are teaching your children to put up with being treated poorly.

 

When will you say NO MORE?

You're right, it is a choice. One of rotten options, but a choice.

 

My MIL is in her 80s, and has been allowed to pull these stunts all her life. Nobody, and I do mean NOBODY has ever tried to tell this woman no until I came along. Even Wolf just put his head down and ignored her stunts as best he could, rather than deal w/her hissy fits.

 

'Retraining' an elderly woman just isn't going to happen at this point. That's why we tolerate what we can, and do say no when it's something that will.not.fly. (ie moving in).

 

For me, if Wolf ever says, 'No more' I'll support him 100%. I sincerely doubt it will ever happen, b/c she is in her 80s, and he figures there's simply not enough time for her to change and reestablish a relationship in a way that would work for us. He doesn't want her dying while they're estranged.

 

Things are coming to a head though...MIL may quit speaking to us, if things go the way I suspect on her next visit.

 

ETA: The comment you quoted was actually about being able to say 'no' and not have someone lose their ever loving minds over it. You know, a typical reaction.

[LisaKinVA]

My MIL is in her 80s, and has been allowed to pull these stunts all her life. Nobody, and I do mean NOBODY has ever tried to tell this woman no until I came along. Even Wolf just put his head down and ignored her stunts as best he could, rather than deal w/her hissy fits. 'Retraining' an elderly woman just isn't going to happen at this point. That's why we tolerate what we can, and do say no when it's something that will.not.fly. (ie moving in).

 

For me, if Wolf ever says, 'No more' I'll support him 100%. I sincerely doubt it will ever happen, b/c she is in her 80s, and he figures there's simply not enough time for her to change and reestablish a relationship in a way that would work for us. He doesn't want her dying while they're estranged.

 

 

This makes it even more difficult... fortunately, MIL is just 60, I shudder at thinking about what may happen in the next 20 years. Sometimes, there is nothing you can do :grouphug:

[Jenny in Florida]

The children will attend their normal activities, but unless we are going to be out of town, I won't just say "no" to this. In this case, my MIL's heart is in the right place (wanting to spend time with her grandkids), but her way going about it is wrong (instead of asking us if this is a good plan, even if it is a bit "spur of the moment", just telling us they are coming).

 

For what it's worth, I think you have a lovely attitude about this.

 

I didn't have this kind of dramatic problem with my in-laws, but there were certainly times when my father-in-law (who travelled frequently and liked to tack on a visit to us when he could make it work) decided to drop by at less than convenient times.

 

I grumped, but we always made room. We did make it a point to warn him ahead of time when the kids were likely to be busy, though. And there were a couple of times when he opted to skip the visit.

 

In the end, I'm glad we welcomed them into our homes as often as we could. I miss them both now.

[higginszoo]

Hugs. I got one of those from my in-laws, they decided that they'd come for Christmas, and bring their golden retriever that dh is VERY allergic to. So I cancelled my Christmas plans to accommodate their expectations, for the days that they said they were coming, went through the whole deep cleaning thing that I was hoping to put off until after our remodel in March/April, all with a bad back and my chiropractor telling me to stop. So I spend Christmas attached to my heating pad when I'm not cooking the expected big meal. I sleep downstairs because dh is wheezing and snoring so badly because his airways are so swollen from the dog allergens (at least f-i-l was better this time about the fact that I will NOT let the dog in the house). Then they decide that they'll extend their visit. GAH!! I got to reschedule for that -- all except the chiropractor, where I learned that I'd lost 2 weeks of healing progress over their visit.

 

My parents are coming in May (both sets invited), they're staying in a condo, taking the kids for a day so I can get ready for dd's big event.

 

Dh wouldn't think of saying No, even to the extra day, even though he doesn't get stuck with the extra work. My parents' staying elsewhere is due to my dh's nonverbal signals (going off and hiding big chunks of times that they've stayed with us). I've asked dh to explain some of this to his parents, but he won't. Let's just say that it's put us in not the greatest place right now.

Edited January 9, 2012 by higginszoo

[gardenmom5]

"Wonderful! Do you need help booking a hotel? We do have plans already for part of the time you mentioned, but we look forward to spending some of your visit with you!"

:iagree: and say it like you expected that was where they'd be staying. You might even find a couple hotels in your town to have available to recommened when you call her.

[NatashainDFW]

I got lucky when my SIL remarried. Her husband taught boundaries to the ILs quickly and somehow it was absorbed and put into use for us as well lol. When we still lived close to them we would get a call that said they were heading up for the day but they always left within a few hours and I could deal with that. We have yet to have even the suggestion of an extended visit since the move!

[Tammyla]

Lisa,

 

You are being sweet to accommodate them, because it benefits your children. That is a blessing to your family.

 

 

(My mil, only wants to say hello to my two, and then she wants the adults to visit or better yet...dh all to herself. Fil was always very warm and loving and could could temper her personality; and we miss his presence.)

 

When we lived around the corner from my IL's... "No" came easily, and frequently. Now, the children see my IL's usually once OR twice a year, beyond that is rare.

 

The children love their grandparents. My MIL will always lack tact, and have difficulty seeing things from a different perspective. My saying "No" simply to say "No" won't do anything other than make for more tension. Do I feel a bit blind-sided, yes. Is it the end of the world? No. Will my children even know there is a problem? No.

 

The children will attend their normal activities, but unless we are going to be out of town, I won't just say "no" to this. In this case, my MIL's heart is in the right place (wanting to spend time with her grandkids), but her way going about it is wrong (instead of asking us if this is a good plan, even if it is a bit "spur of the moment", just telling us they are coming). This bad habit of hers isn't going to change, no matter how loudly or how often I say "NO."

 

Yes, it's my "choice" to be inconvenienced right now... but otoh, I won't have to deal with anything until probably Christmas. I really don't know when, because their "schedule" (being able to leave the cottages) and our schedule (year round swimming, choir, drama, scout camps) don't really mesh well.

 

FWIW, we told them in the past that if they asked us AGAIN in front of the children, if ds#1 could fly out by himself to visit... they would no longer be welcome here (we had already said ds could... once he was 10, but they kept asking and promising, trying to get us to change our minds and making us the "bad guys" with the kids...). THAT kind of stuff dh and I will take a bold and necessary stand... this? not so much.

 

All this said, I do kind of wish they were coming the 19-23, because then I could say, "well that's nice, but C & K will be away at a swim meet Sat/Sun, and Josh has a basketball game on Sat, plus the Pinewood Derby. Kids are in practice Thurs/Friday... you're welcome to sleep here, but we're terribly busy. I'm sure Shaun wouldn't mind help with the two littles... and there is still plenty of finish work to be done. ;)