My daughter lied to me...

[lovetobehome]

PLEASE, the situation has been resolved, daughter and I have happily moved on....I am hoping this thread will come to a quiet end.

Edited January 10, 2012 by lovetobehome

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would stop asking her. I would matter of fact tell her what I knew to be the truth and I would act according to the truth.

[gardenmom5]

If I was absolutely positive she lied, I'd say "yes, and I'm disappointed that you, a) lied, and b) when confronted with your guilt, attempted to deflect and deny. I know you lied, and ___ are the consequences for lying. I am adding _____ consequences for your cover-up attempt. discussion over."

 

eta: you noticed she hasn't denied it, she's deflecting by implying *you* are the bad guy for accusing her of lying. call her on it.

[AimeeM]

Ah. I cannot begin to tell you how common this is :grouphug:. Every girl I know (including my own otherwise wonderful 10 year old) went through this at about 9. I'm sure there are random children who didn't; but our group is wonderful and EVERY SINGLE ONE of these young ladies did indeed go through the Drama Queen/Lying stage.

 

I didn't argue it. If I saw her do it, or had other irrefutable evidence that she did something, I simply told her so. I didn't ask her if she did it (baiting, in my opinion), I simply told her what she did, expressed my disappointment and asked "why". That usually brought about the truth even after a lie otherwise.

Autumn will have consequences for lying, but rarely for anything else (we are more focused on guidance based parenting -vs- punitive parenting). For lying it depends on what she lied about frankly. Generally, expressing sadness and disappointment in her decision to lie (downplaying what she DID, playing more on that she lied about it) is punishment enough. It depends on the child's personality type.

 

If it's any consolation, the phase didn't last long at all.

[*********]

I would stop asking her. I would matter of fact tell her what I knew to be the truth and I would act according to the truth.

 

Well, yes, I'd do this.

 

But then later, there'd also be much teaching about why we don't lie. Including how, if we DO lie, it's always best to own up to it as soon as possible, because continuing in the lie usually ends badly.

[lovetobehome]

nm

Edited January 10, 2012 by lovetobehome

[MamaT]

If I was absolutely positive she lied, I'd say "yes, and I'm disappointed that you, a) lied, and b) when confronted with your guilty, attempted to deflect and deny. I know you lied, and ___ are the consequences for lying. I am adding _____ consequences for your cover-up attempt. discussion over."

 

:iagree: But only if you are 100% positive she lied, without any doubt whatsoever.

[AimeeM]

thanks...I could definitely use some ideas on what to do, consequences. I am so sad...

Is this the first time?

Have you tried simply telling/showing her how sad you are.

[justamouse]

She's stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

1. You know she told. You can't ask her what's already plain to see.

 

2. There is NO WAY a 9 yo is not going to tell a friend that information, especially as emotionally charged as it must be to her. Her heart was probably wrapped up a million ways with emotions about it, of course she's going to tell.

 

Honestly, if I were you, I'd blame myself. If you need to keep a secret, you don't tell a 9 yo.

 

I can tell you at least 10 stories of how I figured this out. :D

[*********]

:iagree: But only if you are 100% positive she lied, without any doubt whatsoever.

 

Oh yes! DO be absolutely sure there is NO possible way you could be mistaken. I was accused of lying several times as a child, and disciplined for the infraction, when I in fact did NOT lie. (And there was no reason to assume I had lied; I wasn't a habitual liar, or even a bad kid.) It's NOT something a girl forgets, and can cause a rift in your relationship.

 

I'm sure you know this; just wanted to agree with MamaT. :)

[Mimm]

I had a situation with a sandwich where my oldest lied to me. Yes, it really was that insignificant. After making 100% sure that she lied, she simply refused to admit the truth. She was very dramatic and cried a lot that I wouldn't believe her, but she wouldn't offer any other explanation either.

 

And I didn't let up. I was rather unrelenting about it. I mentioned it repeatedly in the next few days. I wasn't mean or nasty about it, but I would interject it into conversations light heartedly. She was always offended and I didn't care that she was offended because she lied, and I knew she lied and she knew I knew she lied. :) After a few days of it being brought up over and over again, she finally admitted it, and I forgave her and I didn't bring it up again.

[Joker]

I moved several times as a kid and I always told whoever was my best friend even though I was asked to tell no one. It's a lot for a kid to deal with. I would be upset about her lying but why did she lie? Does she think you won't understand? Does she need to talk to her friend about how upset she is but doesn't want to tell you ( which was usually my reason -I didn't want to burden my parents )? I also would probably give some grace because it is an unusually trying time.

[AimeeM]

ETA: just read your update. I'm sorry. I don't think this is your daughter's fault. Such an emotional time for her. You maybe shouldn't have confided such an emotional possibility in your 9 year old. I think you were expecting far too much out of her :grouphug:

[Joker]

She's stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

1. You know she told. You can't ask her what's already plain to see.

 

2. There is NO WAY a 9 yo is not going to tell a friend that information, especially as emotionally charged as it must be to her. Her heart was probably wrapped up a million ways with emotions about it, of course she's going to tell.

 

Honestly, if I were you, I'd blame myself. If you need to keep a secret, you don't tell a 9 yo.

 

I can tell you at least 10 stories of how I figured this out. :D

 

:iagree: 100%. I wish I saw this before I posted because you said it better!

[5kidsforME]

When I was in 5th grade, my aunt was dating a man that was in the process of a divorce and they got engaged before he was officialy divorced. My siblings and I were told and then told we weren't supposed to tell anyone yet. Well of course that was to juicy for me NOT to tell. SO, I told my best friend and my cousin and I concocted a whole story for them to tell in case they slipped and told someone.

 

Well, don't you know my best friend told her mom and her mom asked my aunt about it. My aunt told my mom. FTR, my mom was pissed that my aunt ever told us because she felt it was to big a responsibility for us to have at that age.

 

My parents told me they knew that I told. I lied, I told my fake story over and over. They actually weren't upset that I told but they were upset that I lied.

 

We were in a dead lock for hours over it. My parents persued me. My mom said I would tell the truth then take it back. HOURS of this.

 

Some may find it extreme. BUT I am so glad they loved me enough to persue it.

 

I lied a lot as a kid over non-sensical things. That whole time was a turning point for me as a career liar. ;)

 

My parents showed me their love through all that. They showed me they loved me to much to just let it go.

 

I remember that started my new career of being absolutely brutally honest and real. :001_smile:

[Danestress]

You told her secret, no need for her to know, adult information. That information was discomforting to her and she felt the need to talk to a friend about it even though you told her not to.

 

You are upset because she did that, and she wouldn't admit to it.

 

So now you tell an entire public board of people you don't even know information that you asked her not to share with her good friend, as well as your disappointment in her, because you need to talk about the things that bother you and get input?

 

You need to go to her and laugh and say that you were annoyed with her until you saw how much she is like you, and that you recognize females need to talk through problems. You need to forgive her and move on. And you need to not tell her things that absolutely must remain secret, because 9 year old girls are not good maintainers of secrets.

[lovetobehome]

nm

Edited January 10, 2012 by lovetobehome

[Guest submarines]

You told her secret, no need for her to know, adult information. That information was discomforting to her and she felt the need to talk to a friend about it even though you told her not to.

 

You are upset because she did that, and she wouldn't admit to it.

 

So now you tell an entire public board of people you don't even know information that you asked her not to share with her good friend, as well as your disappointment in her, because you need to talk about the things that bother you and get input?

 

You need to go to her and laugh and say that you were annoyed with her until you saw how much she is like you, and that you recognize females need to talk through problems. You need to forgive her and move on. And you need to not tell her things that absolutely must remain secret, because 9 year old girls are not good maintainers of secrets.

 

:iagree:

[Moxie]

She's stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

1. You know she told. You can't ask her what's already plain to see.

 

2. There is NO WAY a 9 yo is not going to tell a friend that information, especially as emotionally charged as it must be to her. Her heart was probably wrapped up a million ways with emotions about it, of course she's going to tell.

 

Honestly, if I were you, I'd blame myself. If you need to keep a secret, you don't tell a 9 yo.

 

I can tell you at least 10 stories of how I figured this out. :D

 

Yep, 9 is way to young to keep a secret like that.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I didnt tell her...she is extremely nosey and listens at the door to private conversations. When my husband realized it, he told her. She was told she could share it with all her cousins and grandparents etc, that there was a POSSIBILITY.

My husband can't have this info public because of work reasons. So we had to keep it in the family. But, she wasnt supposed to know, she just eavesdrops constantly, a very bad habit.

She is very hopeful we will move to be with her 12 cousins. She was able to share it with all of them. And honestly, I was not surprised when she spilled it to her friend. I approached her with it gently, and she immediately insisted she DID NOT tell her friend, why would she, and the 'so you think i am a liar' bit.

I have told her repeatedly I understand that she may not have been able to keep the secret in, but to continue to insist to me that she first 'did NOT tell her' and now 'doesn't remember- and you are not me so you don't know if I remember or not'....

 

Then she should have been disciplined for the eavesdropping itself at the time she did it. And she should not have been further filled in on what you were talking about.

[justamouse]

I approached her with it gently, and she immediately insisted she DID NOT tell her friend, why would she, and the 'so you think i am a liar' bit.

 

I have told her repeatedly I understand that she may not have been able to keep the secret in, but to continue to insist to me that she first 'did NOT tell her' and now 'doesn't remember- and you are not me so you don't know if I remember or not'....

 

Well, of course she feels ashamed, which is why she's insisting. But that was information too much for her to not tell. It was too big a burden for her to bear, and she needs to know that, and once she understands it, she'll stop insisting. But she's blaming herself, poor thing.

 

If you have an evesdropper, that's the problem, not the lying. So you either need to talk when she's asleep or not around, or sit her down and tell her about how it's rude to be listening at doors when people have them shut and are having private conversations. My kids aren't evesdroppers, they're just around adults so much they don't know when they need to leave. They'll stay there till I tell them to skedaddle. :001_smile: But some conversations shouldn't be had with ears around.

[lovetobehome]

nm

Edited January 10, 2012 by lovetobehome

[Guest submarines]

I didnt tell her...she is extremely nosey and listens at the door to private conversations. When my husband realized it, he told her. She was told she could share it with all her cousins and grandparents etc, that there was a POSSIBILITY.

My husband can't have this info public because of work reasons. So we had to keep it in the family. But, she wasnt supposed to know, she just eavesdrops constantly, a very bad habit.

She is very hopeful we will move to be with her 12 cousins. She was able to share it with all of them. And honestly, I was not surprised when she spilled it to her friend. I approached her with it gently, and she immediately insisted she DID NOT tell her friend, why would she, and the 'so you think i am a liar' bit.

I have told her repeatedly I understand that she may not have been able to keep the secret in, but to continue to insist to me that she first 'did NOT tell her' and now 'doesn't remember- and you are not me so you don't know if I remember or not'....

 

Does she have a really active imagination? Could she have convinced herself that she really didn't tell?

 

Does she know the reasons that she wasn't allowed to talk about it?

[5kidsforME]

Well, of course she feels ashamed, which is why she's insisting. But that was information too much for her to not tell. It was too big a burden for her to bear, and she needs to know that, and once she understands it, she'll stop insisting. But she's blaming herself, poor thing.

 

If you have an evesdropper, that's the problem, not the lying. So you either need to talk when she's asleep or not around, or sit her down and tell her about how it's rude to be listening at doors when people have them shut and are having private conversations. My kids aren't evesdroppers, they're just around adults so much they don't know when they need to leave. They'll stay there till I tell them to skedaddle. :001_smile: But some conversations shouldn't be had with ears around.

 

The evesdropping is a problem AND the lying is a problem.

 

I do agree that as soon as she was caught evesdropping she should have been dealt with. By telling her the info she was evesdropping about you gave her what she wanted.

[justamouse]

The evesdropping is a problem AND the lying is a problem.

 

I do agree that as soon as she was caught evesdropping she should have been dealt with. By telling her the info she was evesdropping about you gave her what she wanted.

 

The conversation shouldn't have occurred where she could eavesdrop AT ALL.

 

That's like leaving an open jar of peanut butter on the floor and then screaming at your dog for eating it.

 

Sorry, the fault lies with the parents for all of it, IMHO. The 9 yo was being a 9yo and you can't punish the immaturity of their age out of them.

[ThisIsTheDay]

I didnt tell her...she is extremely nosey and listens at the door to private conversations. When my husband realized it, he told her. She was told she could share it with all her cousins and grandparents etc, that there was a POSSIBILITY.

My husband can't have this info public because of work reasons. So we had to keep it in the family. But, she wasnt supposed to know, she just eavesdrops constantly, a very bad habit.

 

 

Perhaps you can use this as an example of why she shouldn't eavesdrop. THIS situation is the consequence.

 

1. She deliberately listened to a conversation to which she had no part.

 

2. She then was told not to divulge what she heard.

 

3. She did.

 

4. And then she lied.

 

Adults have adult discussions. They do not involve children because it is the adults' responsibility to make certain decisions about when information should be told.

 

She defied you by eavesdropping. The "secret" was too much for her handle on her own. She violated a confidence. I'd also focus on the fact that Dad does NOT want this public. It could have repercussions at his work. SHE told, and in essence, SHE has potentially put him in an uncomfortable situation, should this become known. I'd also tell her that I do not trust her. She's been told not to eavesdrop, yet continues to. That's a form of lying. She's now telling you she didn't do something that you know she did. Yes, I'd tell her I think she's lying.

 

I think the eavesdropping/nosiness/minding others' business is certainly an issue. Overall, I'd be working on her lack of self-control and regard for her family. She needs to work hard at building up your trust in her.

 

 

 

:(

 

:grouphug:

[lovetobehome]

nm

Edited January 10, 2012 by lovetobehome

[5kidsforME]

The conversation shouldn't have occurred where she could eavesdrop AT ALL.

 

That's like leaving an open jar of peanut butter on the floor and then screaming at your dog for eating it.

 

Sorry, the fault lies with the parents for all of it, IMHO. The 9 yo was being a 9yo and you can't punish the immaturity of their age out of them.

 

I expect a 9 yo to tell the truth.

[lovetobehome]

nm

Edited January 10, 2012 by lovetobehome

[eternalknot]

Well, I'm the kind of person -parent, I guess- that distinguishes between types of lies; that is, I don't think all lying is bad and therefore punishable. So that's where I'm coming from.

 

This is one of those times where the lesson is less about lying, and maybe more about ... I don't even know ... coping? grace? I'm not sure, exactly, but the lying seems less significant than the bigger picture issue.

 

She's emotional, and likely even scared. It's a big potential change, and maybe she picked up a vibe from you that it wasn't (yet) ready for (further) discussion between you two; that doesn't change the fact that she still needs an outlet to process the possible life-changing event.

 

I'd go back to her and gently let her know that you know she lied, and that you {insert your personal feelings re: lying here}. If she protests, just calmly agree to disagree. Maybe even tell her that while lying is unacceptable in your home, you understand that sometimes we make poor decisions while under stress -- whether it's telling someone's secret, or lying about having done so. Give her this freebie, and focus more on the bigger picture (her fears, worries, etc. about a potential move).

 

It might even be a good time to discuss airing dirty family laundry (not that this is dirty, but it's still an easy and relateable -sp?- analogy), which might help her to see where you were initially coming from.

 

I have a kid that often follows his lies with "but I don't remember!" and ... to me it seems like a cop-out. He's trying to lie without actually lying. Maybe he'll end up a politician, who knows LOL; but in a situation such as the one you've described, I've come to see it less as a blatant denial and more as an effort for the child to save face. (That's important where I'm from, and I allow him this. It's enough for me that he knows he did wrong, I don't need to browbeat him into admitting it to me as well.)

 

:grouphug: it's devestating when our kids grow into some of these behaviors. But it's equally devestating -to them- when we neglect to consider the full picture.

[5kidsforME]

Well, I have a small house, and we all spend 24/7 together. Behind closed doors, kids should not be standing at the door attempting to hear...

I choose to NOT eavesdrop, I tend to think it is a character issue.

 

 

I think it is typical 9 yo behavior (the evesdropping that is). BUT I think if it is not dealt with it will become a character issue.

[annandatje]

When your 9 year old flat out refuses to admit that she did something you KNOW she did, with tears and dramatics, saying 'so you think I lied!...what do you do?

 

I am devastated that she would lie bold-faced to me, and refuse to let up....

 

ETA: we told her that we MIGHT be moving to a particular state, and asked that she keep it only to our family, and she promised to do so. Yesterday, her best friend's mom came to me and told me that her daughter told her that my daughter said we would be moving to that particular state. I am not so bothered that she told her friend....if she had admitted it when I confronted her, I would be ok with that. But she just denies it and says she just 'doesn't remember.' She is still crying in her bed...

 

It is unreasonable to expect a nine year old child to be mature enough to keep such a seemingly innocent secret from her best friend and confidante. It could be that she inadvertently blurted it out in an impulsive moment of excitement. Instead of asking her if she lied, just assume that she is being untruthful and say something like, "I had asked you to not say anything to anyone other than family." Actually what I do not get in this scenario is why you shared the information with her in the first place. If you want it to be kept confidential, why are you even telling family? What if an extended family member casually mentions it to someone else in the community?

[justamouse]

I expect a 9 yo to tell the truth.

 

With information like that? I don't put my kids in a position where they have to lie to me and they don't. I respect them just as much as I ask of them.

 

Well, I have a small house, and we all spend 24/7 together. Behind closed doors, kids should not be standing at the door attempting to hear...

I choose to NOT eavesdrop, I tend to think it is a character issue.

 

So did I up until last year, we had 9 in 1000 square feet. And I homeschooled 6 of them. It's not a character issue, it's an immaturity issue, and she'll grow out of it. Don't have those conversations around her, and tell her kindly that listening in is rude, and she wouldn't want you listening in, and them kindly remind her when she does it-until she grows out of it.

[5LittleMonkeys]

9yos who are sneaky enough to eaves drop at doors are not going to readily admit that they broke a promise and that they are lying about doing so. Ask me how I know.;)

 

When dd12 was going through this (including eaves dropping on every conversation she could) I realized quickly that if I knew for a fact that she had lied I wouldn't bother asking her if she had. It resulted in more lying and dramatics. I knew she had so why did I need to confirm it with her, other than the fact that I was wanting her to admit to it out loud. She knew she lied...we didn't need to establish it, we just needed to deal with whatever it was she lied about.

 

We established very clear penalties for lying to me and for eaves dropping. Thankfully none of the information she ever found out due to eavesdropping was the secret keeping type but if it had been I would have spelled it out to her how extremely important to the family it would be to keep the secret, and I would make sure she knew that telling other dc was just as bad as telling an adult.

 

In her mind telling another child may not have seemed like a big problem even if you had told her the danger to your husbands job. She may have been thinking that there is no way her friend would have ever told anyone involved in his work. I doubt she thought about her friend telling her mother and her mother telling her husband and the husband telling a co-worker....9yos don't think that far ahead.

 

If your dd is like mine she isn't crying because she got in trouble, she's crying because she feels horrible and doesn't know how to fix it.

[annandatje]

You told her secret, no need for her to know, adult information. That information was discomforting to her and she felt the need to talk to a friend about it even though you told her not to.

 

You are upset because she did that, and she wouldn't admit to it.

 

So now you tell an entire public board of people you don't even know information that you asked her not to share with her good friend, as well as your disappointment in her, because you need to talk about the things that bother you and get input?

 

You need to go to her and laugh and say that you were annoyed with her until you saw how much she is like you, and that you recognize females need to talk through problems. You need to forgive her and move on. And you need to not tell her things that absolutely must remain secret, because 9 year old girls are not good maintainers of secrets.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[5kidsforME]

With information like that? I don't put my kids in a position where they have to lie to me and they don't. I respect them just as much as I ask of them.

 

 

 

.

 

HAVE to, really? Even a 9yo can choose.

 

 

I think you and I are going to have to agree to disagree.

[elegantlion]

Well, of course she feels ashamed, which is why she's insisting. But that was information too much for her to not tell. It was too big a burden for her to bear, and she needs to know that, and once she understands it, she'll stop insisting. But she's blaming herself, poor thing.

 

If you have an evesdropper, that's the problem, not the lying. So you either need to talk when she's asleep or not around, or sit her down and tell her about how it's rude to be listening at doors when people have them shut and are having private conversations. My kids aren't evesdroppers, they're just around adults so much they don't know when they need to leave. They'll stay there till I tell them to skedaddle. :001_smile: But some conversations shouldn't be had with ears around.

 

:iagree:

 

I would say this is a good time to have a character building talk. I would probably discuss it with dh first, then have dd come into your room.

 

Discuss 1. the need for adult conversations. 2. the burden of carrying "maybes" around. 3. You want her to enjoy her childhood and not be burdened with unknowns, discuss when you had planned on telling her. This way she won't be left thinking you'd tell her the day before moving and then she wouldn't have time to prepare. 4. Tell her she's not in trouble, because you know how hard it would be to not tell friends. 5. Hug her 6. Talk about the possible move. Nothing definitive, just how long before you know for sure. 7. Let her know again about the rule about listening in. Remind her that next time she purposely does that there will be consequences. 8. hug her again.

 

I would listen to whatever she needed to say. I would guide the conversation, but not make it about being in trouble.

 

At least that's how I'd try to make it happen in my house. Moving is scary.

[lovetobehome]

nm

Edited January 10, 2012 by lovetobehome

[Trilliums]

I think you are right. She did just this same thing to me tonight....I was on a phone call, she realized it was something to do with her friend and she was relentless asking me what it was, what I had mentioned about tomorrow, etc....I told her it was my business and not hers, and she kept asking WHY she couldn't know. I didn't tell her, but I have in the past (probably because I am imagining her doing the very same thing when she is a teen on the phone and I am asking her details about her conversation)-- and you are right, I am giving her just what she wants.

I would appreciate any ideas on how to handle consequences for eavesdropping and lying....

 

I don't know that I would try to come up with forced consequences for these behaviors. I tend to favor natural consequences. The natural consequences for this kind of behavior is a deterioration in your ability to trust her. I wouldn't go straight to a 9 yo and say "If you keep doing such and such, I won't be able to trust you!". But, I would emphasize the importance of trust in family members. An opportune time to go over The Boy Who Cried Wolf. :001_smile:

[eternalknot]

I didnt tell her...she is extremely nosey and listens at the door to private conversations. When my husband realized it, he told her. She was told she could share it with all her cousins and grandparents etc, that there was a POSSIBILITY.

My husband can't have this info public because of work reasons. So we had to keep it in the family. But, she wasnt supposed to know, she just eavesdrops constantly, a very bad habit.

She is very hopeful we will move to be with her 12 cousins. She was able to share it with all of them. And honestly, I was not surprised when she spilled it to her friend. I approached her with it gently, and she immediately insisted she DID NOT tell her friend, why would she, and the 'so you think i am a liar' bit.

I have told her repeatedly I understand that she may not have been able to keep the secret in, but to continue to insist to me that she first 'did NOT tell her' and now 'doesn't remember- and you are not me so you don't know if I remember or not'....

 

I have this kid, too; I mentioned him in my earlier post to this thread. He just fancies himself one of the adults, and that coupled with his born need to be in the middle of everything (he's the original busybody!) just makes for situations such as the one you described above.

 

Sometimes he hears information he doesn't need to, and sometimes he hears information he doesn't want to. That comes with the territory. It's too late now, but obviously when she eavesdrop she should be made to go away. If she can't or won't do it voluntarily, assign her a job.

 

Mine knows that if I catch him eavesdropping, he gets to scrub toilets or run laps in the backyard. I explain it as a way that I can ensure he'll stay put out of the way, since he's chosen not to so do himself. I'm not the more popular adult in the house, as you might imagine. But my toilets sure do shine!

 

It's a trait you may need to break down and really work on. Manners, respect, ... it ties in with all of that. Relate to her experiences - do you eavesdrop on her conversations with friends or cousins? Would she like you to? Could you make an example of it one day by pretending to eavesdrop on her with the siblings - purposely getting only part of the information correct, and running with it play-acting style? (My kids learns things that way, so after talking through it we did some role-playing to illustrate the point.)

 

It's okay to want to know everything. It's okay to want to be in the thick of the adult action. It's not okay to act on those wants. When she's tempted to eavesdrop, how can she re-direct herself? (In my house, it's toilets if I have to re-direct .. and maybe a book or walk if my child can re-direct himself, first.) Is this something you can break down and work on as an important social skill?

[Joker]

What if girl I question was visibly upset and her bf asked her what was wrong. Girl doesn't lie and tells bf the truth. Later, her parents approach upset and she's scared so she lies. Is she really getting in trouble for this? Is she getting in trouble for telling the truth to bf (when she was supposed to lie to her, according to her parents) and then for lying to her parents? I was put into those situations and it stinks. I would impulsively lie to my parents to cover and them be too afraid to come clean.

[eternalknot]

But I still think lying to save face isn't acceptable in our family. I don't want to browbeat her, and I don't want to damage our relationship. I told her I have lied, too, and learned just the way she is learning, that it feels awful inside and isnt' worth it. I don't want her to feel like she is evil or tarnished in my sight. I told her I love her no matter what she does or says. I told her she and I know the truth, and I love her and forgive her, but I want her to fess up, and please be honest in the future.

 

I can respect that.

 

It sounds like you love her enough to want her to grow up honest and good. And for you, that means confessing (to you).

 

I imagine she'll get there in time, as we all have. Until then, ... know that you're not alone on the ride!

[lovetobehome]

nm

Edited January 10, 2012 by lovetobehome

[ThisIsTheDay]

I don't want to browbeat her, and I don't want to damage our relationship. I told her I have lied, too, and learned just the way she is learning, that it feels awful inside and isnt' worth it. I don't want her to feel like she is evil or tarnished in my sight. I told her I love her no matter what she does or says. I told her she and I know the truth, and I love her and forgive her, but I want her to fess up, and please be honest in the future.

 

She lies to you. You don't have the relationship you think you have.

 

She eavesdrop and then pesters and pesters and pesters, eventually obtaining the information that was none of her business to begin with.

 

She lies, and no matter what you say, she will not admit to lying.

 

You are worried about your relationship with her, and you are partially excusing her by saying you live in a small house.

 

You live in a house larger than most people have for thousands of years. Children don't have to eavesdrop, and they don't have to repeat what they might inadvertently hear.

 

You're asking for advice, but it seems like you only looking for something that will not hurt her feelings. She doesn't see a reason to change. Being the nice parent doesn't seem to be giving you the results you want.

 

:confused:

[Meriwether]

I feel things are fairly anonymous here, you all don't know my real name and my husband's job .... but having our friends in the community talking is another matter.

She wasn't asked to keep it entirely to herself....she regularly brings it up in our house, we answer any questions, and with her cousins in the other state....she calls them when she wants to chat about it or other things. I feel she has an avenue to vent.

Family HAS to know, because it involves them very much.

 

We are moving. Dh and I talk openly about the move, the reasons for it, and possible moving scenarios (we won't know details until spring). The kids can talk about everything but the reasons for the move which the company doesn't want around town. At ages 8, 7, and 5, they can handle that. I don't understand why 9 is seen as so young.:confused:

[Joanne]

Well, I have a small house, and we all spend 24/7 together. Behind closed doors, kids should not be standing at the door attempting to hear...

I choose to NOT eavesdrop, I tend to think it is a character issue.

 

She's a child. She's 9. By definition, she'll have less impulse control and maturity.

 

There is way too much "concern" and "drama" around this for the situation. She did what many 9 year old girls would do given the circumstances. It's not a straight line to juvie.

 

Totally normal. I'd encourage you to apologize for the drama and move on.

[gardenmom5]

My parents told me they knew that I told. I lied, I told my fake story over and over. They actually weren't upset that I told but they were upset that I lied.

 

 

:iagree: the bigger issue is the lying and attempting to deflect/cover-up.

I can understand the child telling her best friend, and if she'd admitted it, a lecture and it would be over. but SHE is the one prolonging this, and you do not want to send the message that lying and covering up lies is okay.

[lovetobehome]

Thanks, Kristen, I agree.

I appreciate those who took the time to answer. I think I have enough advice/thoughts on the matter. I sort of wish I hadn't asked, some of the responses were really hurtful. Some were helpful. Some made me think differently than I had thought before.

We are all moms here trying our best. My relationship with my daughter is not perfect, it is painful to me that it is not what I had imagined, and not what I want it to be. We keep working at it.

[Xilka]

I think it's an age thing.

My boy just turned 9 and he's trying on the lying as well.

Maybe it's just a way of testing their power.

 

A couple of months ago he got caught stealing. It was a big ordeal.

We talked a lot about how lying makes you feel bad, and telling the truth feels good. He eventually confessed to a bunch of other stuff he'd done and lied about. He agreed that it felt good to come clean.

 

It's an important lesson, but I think it's really important to tackle it with a positive approach so that they feel safe about telling the truth.

[AuntieM]

I have not read all the replies, but (gently) I think you owe your daughter an apology.

 

The news you gave her is rock-her-entire-world stuff. To tell her she can't share it is telling her she can't process it, can't talk it out with her best friend, can't start strategizing for maintaining precious friendships over a long distance... Too big a burden for a young person. We have moved many times with kids across all age ranges, and I would hesitate to ask my almost all grown teens to keep news like that under wraps.

 

And now, not only has her sense of home been rattled, she has disappointed you by breaking your confidence.

 

So, from here, after she calms down, this is what I would do. Gently gather her in your arms. Tell her that you are sorry you gave her such a burden, that you understand now that information was too difficult to keep in. Let her forgive you.

 

Then I would just let her talk. I think she's likely then to fess up to telling her friend. And then you can forgive her. Also, I think she will probably open up and let you know how she feels about a possible move - scared, sad, angry, etc.

 

I usually take a hard line with lying. Really. But I think your poor kid was sort of set up for failure. Down the road you can talk more about the importance of keeping confidences and the awful deceit of lying, but for now, IMO, it's time to extend the loving arms of grace.

 

Just my two cents...