Frustrated with my 27 year old dd....

[Merry]

I'm not sure what to think of this situation with her. She has been living on her own since she was nineteen in our town. On Christmases, she would come over in the morning to open the presents with us. Then she moved to Washington D.C. to go to college two years ago. The first Christmas, she came home to our home. Then this Christmas, she informed us last minute that she was going to stay with her old roommate from when she lived here for a few days. Then I asked her yesterday when she was coming to stay with us. She said she didn't want to stay with us because her roommate's house was more comfortable and she just preferred to stay there. She will be here until Jan. 4th. I am so disappointed and hurt by this. Especially since she just got engaged and I was looking forward to talking to her about her wedding plans and going dress shopping and also just hanging with her. Also, another thing is her roommate is about my age and never been married or had a child. She was a foster parent for many years and for a while she sort of took my dd under her wing so I feel like she wants my dd to herself. She was going to be alone for Christmas so I offered her to come and spend the day with us. But when she got here, she hung around with my dd so I didn't see much of her. And yes, I'm jealous of their friendship. I admit it. Well, I guess what I want to know about is if this kind of behavior is normal for a twenty seven year old dd who apparently does love her parents and siblings but does not want to be around them very much? And prefer to be with a friend who is her mom's age? And refuse to stay at her parent's house for even one night?

[tex-mex]

Maybe her home is more serene and quiet compared to yours? She is 27. When I was that age, I was already married for 8 years and expecting my first child. Perhaps she is needing her space?

[ThreeBlessings]

Hugs mama. I'd guess she probably doesn't know she is hurting your feelings. To her it may seem like no big deal where she stays.

[elegantlion]

I'm sorry, no advice. :grouphug::grouphug: I remember you mentioning this relationship issue before. :grouphug::grouphug:

[unsinkable]

Is this the same woman who cared for your DD when she broke her arm?

[regentrude]

How many people are staying at your house for Christmas? Maybe she just wants quiet and is not keen on sharing a house with younger siblings and possibly nieces and nephews? I could relate to that.

[Guest submarines]

Do you normally have a close relationship?

 

My mother and I weren't close when I was a child--she was authoritarian and controlling. When I became an adult my mother suddenly wanted to spend time with me and felt I had an obligation to spend holidays with her.

 

When I was 27 I was married, and had a friend my mother's age. It was a genuine friendship (not mother-child relationship) and enjoyed spending time with her.

 

From my perspective (which is obviously biased), even if a mother-child relationship is close and warm, there's nothing abnormal about an adult child wanting to stay overnight in her friend's house, rather than going to the mother's house.

 

She is an adult.

 

:grouphug:

[ThisIsTheDay]

No advice, just :grouphug::grouphug:.

[AK_Mom4]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I can understand a 27 year old not wanting to step back into the "child" role at her parents house. Staying with a friend would give her some distance. I would advise giving her the space and try not to let it get you down. She is an adult, even though it is hard to think of our little kiddos that way!

[cindergretta]

:grouphug:

 

I wouldn't choose to spend the night at my parents' house. I love my dad to death, but when I am in their house, I am a kid.

 

Also, at 27, I think it is fairly common to have friends of various ages. Somehow, as a young adult/young mom, I ended up with a group of friends who were easily 15 or so years older than I was. They were all "older" parents and I was a "younger" parent, but we were friends because we were much thrown together via our dc's lives.

 

One of my mother's dearest friends is a woman who is my age. It happens and I wouldn't attach too much to it.

 

If you are close with her, in a neutral time, in a neutral place, in a neutral fashion, you can talk with her about your feelings. (As long as you recognize that the only right answer isn't her doing what you want to prevent you being hurt. :grouphug: )

[NicAnn]

I think it's normal...although it can still be hurtful. I'm 25, married with kids, but I prefer to stay with friends or in a hotel when visiting. I also have many older friends. One of my favorite people is nearing 50, my moms age, but I don't look at her like a mother.

 

I'm sorry your feelings are hurt. Have you talked to her about it?

[OrganicAnn]

I've seen this happen too. Sometimes it is just a child wanting the freedom to choose. I would not make a big deal of it. My sister was a little like this. She would always choose her friends over family. So the family went on a had a great Christmas. After hearing about how we had a great Christmas each year and the food and laughs, she started wanting to spend time with family and not to miss out.

 

I think it is healthy of parents to not insist that adult child spend all holidays with family. Then when she gets married, there won't be the disappointment when she had to spend many holidays with her DH's family.

[Happy]

I think it's weird.

 

There I said it. I would have never thought to stay anywhere but with my parents when I came to visit. Of course, when I was 27, I was married, I'd recently lost my dad, and become a mom myself. Family was and still is important to me

 

I think this is definitely hurtful, but I don't know if your dd means it that way. KWIM? She may just be clueless...and all the other things previous posters have indicated. Family is a relationship just like other friendships, they need to be nurtured. She is not nurturing her part of the deal. You can help by not making a big issue of it. Hopefully, she will grow up and become your friend, too, someday.

 

It will be interesting if she wants you guys to pay for any of the wedding....if she isn't your 'friend or daughter' why would you pay for her wedding? :tongue_smilie: Just a thought...because my mind goes there. My son is like this a lot...don't need you mom and dad. No fun relationship. No effort on his part. Then comes the day when he NEEDS us. We are his parents and we come through most of the time, but it would be nice to have good contact during normal times.

 

More than you needed to know, I know...

[bettyandbob]

If I were in this position I would have stayed with my parents when I was in town to visit. However, that's because I have no backbone and my dad is so controlling he would have made just stopping by to visit without staying horrible.

 

The thing is in my early 20s I had friendship with women my mother's age. There was so much I got out of those friendships and I could see wanting to visit with one woman I went to grad school with in particular.

 

It doesn't matter how old you are, when you walk into your parent's house it is often like you are 12 again and you often interact with your parents and siblings as if you are 12, particularly if you are staying overnight. Your dd probably doesn't want to experience being 12 again. She probably likes her space and her privacy.

[Chris in VA]

So, she came over with her friend for Christmas? She did spend time with you, even if she hung with her friend, too? She just didn't sleep at your home?

[cindergretta]

I think it's weird.

 

There I said it. I would have never thought to stay anywhere but with my parents when I came to visit. Of course, when I was 27, I was married, I'd recently lost my dad, and become a mom myself. Family was and still is important to me

 

Uh, not wanting so spend the night at parents' houses doesn't make one not think family is important. :confused: Family is *number one* for dh and me, always has been, always will be. But no, we will not willingly choose to stay with our parents if other options are available. And I am 100% a "daddy's girl" and dh is extremely close to his mother. I wouldn't place value judgments on others' decisions.

[melissel]

Hmm. My first thought is of sleeping/living accommodations. When I was 27, I wouldn't have wanted to live out of luggage squeezed into a spare room, or possibly sleeping with siblings or on a couch. I don't know your set-up, but maybe that's part of it?

 

I can totally see why you're disappointed, but I can also see her side of it. Also, I wonder why her staying at her friend's house means that you won't be able to talk about the wedding, go dress shopping, etc.? It may be that it's just a place to sleep, you know?

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry you're hurting. I think I'd consider talking to her about what you were hoping for--not guilting, of course, but just letting her know how you were hoping to spend some time with her.

[Happy]

Uh, not wanting so spend the night at parents' houses doesn't make one not think family is important. :confused: Family is *number one* for dh and me, always has been, always will be. But no, we will not willingly choose to stay with our parents if other options are available. And I am 100% a "daddy's girl" and dh is extremely close to his mother. I wouldn't place value judgments on others' decisions.

 

For me and my family, staying elsewhere would have been a huge insult to my parents. No matter how crowded or uncomfortable I might be in a guest room (which was rare), my dh and I stayed at our parents homes when we came to town. I would not have ever damaged our relationship by staying elsewhere. THAT'S what 'family was and still is important to me' means. It was an explaination of why we do what we do...not a value judgement. (Your post is the judgement. sheesh.)

 

And for what it's worth, my parents stayed with us when they came to town. Dh's often didn't. Yes, they were probably more comfortable, and had sole control of a TV remote in a hotel, but without a doubt each of their six sons' family's believed they were being slighted by the parents staying in a hotel. So I believe there is something not quite right with the daughter not staying with her parents. I get to have my opinion, just like you do.

 

Your family may be different. Probaby is.

[Nakia]

I think it's weird.

 

There I said it. I would have never thought to stay anywhere but with my parents when I came to visit. Of course, when I was 27, I was married, I'd recently lost my dad, and become a mom myself. Family was and still is important to me

 

I think this is definitely hurtful, but I don't know if your dd means it that way. KWIM? She may just be clueless...and all the other things previous posters have indicated. Family is a relationship just like other friendships, they need to be nurtured. She is not nurturing her part of the deal. You can help by not making a big issue of it. Hopefully, she will grow up and become your friend, too, someday.

 

It will be interesting if she wants you guys to pay for any of the wedding....if she isn't your 'friend or daughter' why would you pay for her wedding? :tongue_smilie: Just a thought...because my mind goes there. My son is like this a lot...don't need you mom and dad. No fun relationship. No effort on his part. Then comes the day when he NEEDS us. We are his parents and we come through most of the time, but it would be nice to have good contact during normal times.

 

More than you needed to know, I know...

 

Eeek, that's kind of a stretch. I don't see any indication from the op that the dd doesn't want to have a relationship with her family.

[Melissa in Australia]

I don't see anything wrong with your dd not wanting to stay at your house, she is 27 that is grown up!

sometimes it is hard to realise that children grow up and are independent.

Boy, at 27 I had been married for 9 years with three children.

[Merry]

Yes, I understand people having friends much older than they. And it's a good point about my dd feeling "twelve" again as a poster said when she walks in our home. And maybe now that she is engaged, she feels less like being reminded of being under us when she was younger? I don't know. I was 21 when I got married, and also my own relationship w/ my parents was very different. I was forced to grow up fast and be independent in my early teens. But I would have never thought to tell my mom about wanting to stay at a more comfortable place. Maybe it's a good thing that she can be honest? I was always thrilled that I could stay at my mom's or dad's place whenever they would let me and my family come over.

 

But I still think that this friendship of hers is weird because it's not really on equal terms between them. That's what's really bothering me. I mentioned the friend's age because it does impact the relationship so I'm concerned for her. But I keep reminding myself that she is twenty-seven so she can take care of herself, so I hope. And yes, the friend is the same person I mentioned in my previous posts last year. I don't want to be so controlling that she would feel bad if she doesn't spend the night here. But, I also am afraid that if I let it go and let her do whatever, that might come across to her as indifference. So, I'll just let there be back and forth between us in terms of planning our get together times and be grateful for the time I will get to have with her, talking over the good times we used to have when she was little and what good times we will have here and in the future.

[Starr]

For everyone saying to be cool about it I don't think I would be. It's one thing to stay with a friend, it's another not spending any time alone with your family. I'm really sorry. :(

[Melissa in Australia]

 

It will be interesting if she wants you guys to pay for any of the wedding....if she isn't your 'friend or daughter' why would you pay for her wedding? :tongue_smilie: Just a thought...because my mind goes there. My son is like this a lot...don't need you mom and dad. No fun relationship. No effort on his part. Then comes the day when he NEEDS us. We are his parents and we come through most of the time, but it would be nice to have good contact during normal times.

 

More than you needed to know, I know...

 

Would you really expect parents to pay for part of a wedding of a daughter who is independent and not living at home?:confused:

[catz]

Hmm. My first thought is of sleeping/living accommodations. When I was 27, I wouldn't have wanted to live out of luggage squeezed into a spare room, or possibly sleeping with siblings or on a couch. I don't know your set-up, but maybe that's part of it?

 

:iagree: Does she get her own space when she's visiting? Does she have rules and responsibilities when she's visiting? How does she get along with all her siblings? I think there are many reasons a 27 year old woman might not chose to stay with her parents without her being intentionally malicious. If she's used to a little more space and freedom now, that might just be it. I didn't marry until 29, and this wouldn't have been strange for me in my mid-twenties. My mom would start reprimanding me when I set my bag in the wrong place coming in the door. It didn't always make me excited to come stay with them. I honestly felt my parents would prefer me to not stay at their house too often. Now I do it so infrequently, we're treated like real "guests". Every family dynamic is different, but you might want to take a look at the environment she comes into when she stays with you.

[AimeeM]

Bingo. I love my parents very much... but I'm not a guest in their home. The dynamics revert back to what they were. I do the dishes, help clean, run errands, etc. It gets old since I now have my own family to do these things for. I do not want to spend my vacation doing these things when I also, on top of those "chores", have my own children to run after and care for (my parents are not elderly at all). I imagine I would feel more hesitant if I had a batch of young siblings still at home and no space to myself as well.

No matter my relationship with my family, I dislike being treated like I'm still 12 when I walk through the door at 27 with a wedding band, my own responsiblities, bills, chaos... and 2 1/2 children in tow.

:iagree: Does she get her own space when she's visiting? Does she have rules and responsibilities when she's visiting? How does she get along with all her siblings? I think there are many reasons a 27 year old woman might not chose to stay with her parents without her being intentionally malicious. If she's used to a little more space and freedom now, that might just be it. I didn't marry until 29, and this wouldn't have been strange for me in my mid-twenties. My mom would start reprimanding me when I set my bag in the wrong place coming in the door. It didn't always make me excited to come stay with them. I honestly felt my parents would prefer me to not stay at their house too often. Now I do it so infrequently, we're treated like real "guests". Every family dynamic is different, but you might want to take a look at the environment she comes into when she stays with you.

Edited December 27, 2011 by AimeeM

[Melissa in Australia]

Bingo. I love my parents very much... but I'm not a guest in their home. The dynamics revert back to what they were. I do the dishes, help clean, run errands, etc. It gets old since I now have my own family to do these things for. I do not want to spend my vacation doing these things when I also, on top of those "chores", have my own children to run after and care for (my parents are not elderly at all). I imagine I would feel more hesitant if I had a batch of young siblings still at home and no space to myself as well.

No matter my relationship with my family, I dislike being treated like I'm still 12 when I walk through the door at 27 with a wedding band, my own responsiblities, bills, chaos... and 2 1/2 children in tow.

 

this happens to my DH when he visits his parents.they are in Canada, so when he visits he is there for a month. His parents are in their 80's he is 50.

The last time he was there his mother grounded him for staying out at the library to long, she even rang the library to send him home.

[AimeeM]

Lol! :lol:

 

My parents are only in their early 50's (my father and bonus mom; my mom is only in her 40's).

 

Now, I do help out much at my FIL's. He is elderly (80) and thing is - he NEVER asks for expects it, thanks me, kisses my cheek, keeps me company while I do the dishes, etc.

 

I help out at my parent's too, to be honest; but I resent it to a point.

this happens to my DH when he visits his parents.they are in Canada, so when he visits he is there for a month. His parents are in their 80's he is 50.

The last time he was there his mother grounded him for staying out at the library to long, she even rang the library to send him home.

[Danestress]

In the US, that is the standard. Not every family does it that way, and some of my friends have paid for their own weddings - particularly as we got older. But my Dad paid pretty much all of the costs of his daughters weddings and we were 26, 28, and 33 when we married. None of us lived at home in the 3 or 4 years proceeding our marriages. This is just what my Dad always expected to do, and he saved the money. He did, incidentally, offer to just give us the money if we would agree to elope;) But honestly, I think he would have been sad to miss our weddings and memories of him at all three of our weddings are some of my favorite memories of him. He always looked darling in a tux, and he always said the best things when he had to rise to an occasion. My sweet Dad.

[zaichiki]

In the US, that is the standard.

 

I think that depends on your subculture.

 

I know many, many people whose parents did *not* contribute, financially, to their weddings (this includes myself and my brother and numerous cousins and friends).

 

Honestly, from my own personal point of view (here in America), I wouldn't ever expect a family to pay for a wedding. It was common years ago, and still is in some circles, but a lot has changed.

[waa510]

Bingo. I love my parents very much... but I'm not a guest in their home. The dynamics revert back to what they were. I do the dishes, help clean, run errands, etc. It gets old since I now have my own family to do these things for. I do not want to spend my vacation doing these things when I also, on top of those "chores", have my own children to run after and care for (my parents are not elderly at all). I imagine I would feel more hesitant if I had a batch of young siblings still at home and no space to myself as well.

No matter my relationship with my family, I dislike being treated like I'm still 12 when I walk through the door at 27 with a wedding band, my own responsiblities, bills, chaos... and 2 1/2 children in tow.

 

:iagree:A million times, yes. I am 26 and these are my feelings as well. I love my mother to death, but going to her home on vacation is not a vacation, IMO, for the reasons stated above. The same is true for my in-laws as they tend to baby my husband (ugh!), while I also become babysitter to my niece and nephew while ILs take a load off. I end up carting those kids everywhere...with my 2 kids in tow as well. I chose to have 2 children..I don't want 4...especially on vacation. It ruins the entire time and leaves me feeling resentful, disrespected and annoyed.

 

I would also say the majority of my friends are a good 10-15 years older than me. I would not consider those friendships unhealthy or otherwise strange. I am an adult just as much as my 35 year old friends are. I see no difference, honestly. I would try to reflect on what family time at your house with her has *really* been like in the past and see if she was possibly made to feel like a child, or a taxi for the younger siblings.

Not saying this is the case, of course, but I just wanted to offer you a description of her possible perspective.