Advice needed

[Laura in MI]

My step kids (12, 9 & 7) currently live in California with their mom, but on the January 1st they're coming to live with us full time. (their mom is getting remarried and has 2 other kids, my husband has been trying to get custody for a long time and she just agreed to it.)

 

Me & my husband have debated on homeschooling them, dh says he wants them to be homeschooled but I'm not so sure. I've been around them for holidays and a couple weeks here and there and they are great kids but I'm not sure I'm ready to take on the responsibility to homeschool them along with my other dc. It will already be a big adjustment to move here (especially considering the circumstances). I have no idea how they do in school, I do know dss9 is dyslexic though. I'm not against the public school system, I do what's best for each of kids and that varies every year but in this situation I'm really not sure.

 

Any advice? What would you do?

Edited December 24, 2011 by Laura in MI

[Cammie]

I was trying to think about it from the point of view of the kids. If the other children are homeschooled, how will they feel about going to school. We they feel they are not being incuded as a true part of the family? I think maybe I would ask the kids what they would like to do. Maybe they will want to go to school, maybe not. It is so hard to figure out how to make these transitions smooth for everyone. I think it would be a challenge to jump into parenting them full time and homeschooling them...but if they expressed a desire to do it like the rest of the kids...I guess I would give it a try for a year. Good luck!

[Myeightkiddies]

Since it is the middle of the year, you could put them in PS for the remainder of the year. This will give everyone time to adjust and allow you the opportunity to get to know them better. Perhaps during this second semester you'll know more of where they are at academically and determine if this is something you could handle.

[Parrothead]

I agree with Cammie. If there is any chance they would think you don't want them around maybe you ought to give it a try. I mean already their mom is giving them away for her step kids (or so it may seem to them). Don't do anything that would make them feel unwanted.

[kalanamak]

Since it is the middle of the year, you could put them in PS for the remainder of the year. This will give everyone time to adjust and allow you the opportunity to get to know them better. Perhaps during this second semester you'll know more of where they are at academically and determine if this is something you could handle.

 

:iagree:Poor kids. You'll have to bend over to make sure they don't feel left out if you decide to do the above. :grouphug:

[AuntieM]

Hmmm... I would not usually advocate leaving it up to the kids, especially at young ages, but perhaps it's worth considering, just for the spring semester? I dunno, it would let them know that you are not either "sending them away" or "holding them hostage at home." If I did this, I would be sure to let them know this choice was only for the spring, then you would all decide what was best for each kid for the next year (like you would do for your non-step kids anyway, right?).

 

If you think hs'ing next year would be best for the steps, I would then go to heroic efforts to make this next semester and next summer very interesting, studies-wise, for all the kids.

 

Also, you may want to discuss in detail with their mom what special services any of them may have been receiving via the public school. Would you be capable of duplicating or offering equivalent needed services?

 

Bless you - wishing you all the fortitude required to provide the love and care these kids need.

[bbmom]

I would let them choose-it could lead to some major resentment if you don't. If you think school is the best place for them, you can certainly (subtly) downplay homeschooling a bit and encourage ps. They would probably make friends faster in school and they might not want their stepmom in charge of telling them what to do all day, etc. Don't overdo it because they are old enough to figure that out, but an honest discussion about the pros and cons of both I think would be appreciated, as would the ultimate ability to choose for themselves. I would also make clear to them that whatever they do choose, they are choosing for the year-no going back and forth.

[Danestress]

When I became a stepmom, the advice I received, which I think was still good advice, was to try to let DH remain the primary parent while I slowly stepped into the Mom role.

 

If your DH is involved in Homeschooling, if he is home at lunch, works at home, or is really involved during the regular week with the kids, I would be more inclined to keep them home.

 

If DH has a regular job and commute and leaves most of the weekday grind to you, I would be more inclined to think about school so they have more regular breaks from me.

[jujsky]

I'd send them to PS for the remainder of this year. That will give you a chance to get to know them better and discover their learning styles as you help with homework and such. It will also give your entire family time to adjust to what will be a big change for everyone.

 

If your DH still wants you to homeschool them next year, you feel you can handle it, and the kids are in agreement, try it then. I think it will be too much right away with all the changes and adjustments.

[Amy in NH]

I think it would be important to establish a strong family relationship including them. Homeschooling would be the best way to do this. If you send them to school, they may think you are trying the brush them off.

[JennifersLost]

I would absolutely ask them and let them decide. I can't imagine them being that age and having their whole life turned upside down and then being "forced" to do something radically different with their schooling, too - especially with "stepmom" as primary teacher.

 

Be prepared to give these kids a lot of space and room to learn their roles in the new family. If any of them want to homeschool, great. If not, let them go to ps and let them see from the sidelines what homeschooling is like. Maybe next year they'll choose to do it.

[kalanamak]

I would let them choose-it could lead to some major resentment if you don't.

 

Do they have a reasonable idea of what hs entails? There could be major resentment to suddenly have the woman they don't know that well be Mom and teacher all at once.

 

You're going to have a very full house with full range schooling. How independent and cooperative are your olders? How hyper and destructo are your littles? How much can hubby help? How organized are you with keeping everyone fed, clean and loved?

 

I would talk to hubby about what you would need to make hs the bunch successful.

[maddykate]

I think it would be important to establish a strong family relationship including them. Homeschooling would be the best way to do this. If you send them to school, they may think you are trying the brush them off.

 

 

:iagree:

[Julie Smith]

I would absolutely ask them and let them decide. I can't imagine them being that age and having their whole life turned upside down and then being "forced" to do something radically different with their schooling, too - especially with "stepmom" as primary teacher.

 

Be prepared to give these kids a lot of space and room to learn their roles in the new family. If any of them want to homeschool, great. If not, let them go to ps and let them see from the sidelines what homeschooling is like. Maybe next year they'll choose to do it.

 

Give them as much information as you can to help them make a informed decision. When possible let your dh do the talking, teaching, ...

[StephanieZ]

Since it is the middle of the year, you could put them in PS for the remainder of the year. This will give everyone time to adjust and allow you the opportunity to get to know them better. Perhaps during this second semester you'll know more of where they are at academically and determine if this is something you could handle.

 

:iagree:

 

Since you don't have any idea how they do in school, I am guessing you don't know them very well at all. I think you should get to know them for a while before taking on responsibility for schooling them. By summer, you'll know them better, and you can make better decisions.

[*Lulu*]

I think I might give them a two week trial period at home, (so they could see what it would be like), then allow them to choose how they wanted to spend the spring. I would, at the same time, have DH make it clear that he will be discussing the next year's plans with them during the summer. (That way it is clear that it is not going to just be a free for all, educationally speaking.)

 

Either way you go there are bonuses and drawbacks, all very dependent on the personalities and educational needs of the children as well as the school district where you are.

[Shellers]

I've been a stepmom for almost 17 years and it can be a tough gig. These kids may have a lot of resentment about the move, I think they will need time away from the house to sort things out. I suggest sending them to public school since it's what they are used to. Eventually, I think, they will ask you if they can be homeschooled.

[mirth]

I feel sorry for the kids too. It would nice for the kids to feel like they have some control in their lives. Just the weather change from CA to MI in January would be shocking! On that note, I would suggest hs'ing first until it warms up. If your husband wants hs'ing and you do not necessarily disagree with him -- but just with implementation, he needs to provide some legwork to help you get set-up. He can arrange for testing, hire a consultant for curriculum choices, maybe even tutors for a few months.

[NotSoObvious]

I would absolutely ask them and let them decide. I can't imagine them being that age and having their whole life turned upside down and then being "forced" to do something radically different with their schooling, too - especially with "stepmom" as primary teacher.

 

Be prepared to give these kids a lot of space and room to learn their roles in the new family. If any of them want to homeschool, great. If not, let them go to ps and let them see from the sidelines what homeschooling is like. Maybe next year they'll choose to do it.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Just remember, especially at those ages, you are NOT their parent. I'm so sorry and I wish you the best relationship in the world. I adore my step mom now, but she could have never "told me what to do," even when I lived with them for a year. I was a very good kid and teenager, but I could have never taken direction from my step mom and I would never have wanted to be pulled out of school, especially at 12. However, I was also extremely close to my mom and only saw my dad a handful of times a year for most of my childhood, so maybe these kids have a better relationship with their dad and are ready to bond with you.

 

It's just a hard situation all around. Big hugs to you! I wish you all the best. I agree with other about giving them choice.

[Laura in MI]

Thanks for the response. :)

 

We're going to let them choose. I don't want there to be any resentment for making them be homeschooled or going to ps. For dss12 there's also the option for him to go to a private school 3x a week and bring assignments home (dd14 is going there). I think dss9 is going to say he wants to be homeschooled (he's said it before) and more than likely dss7 will go along with him.

[Ottakee]

Just be prepared for a HUGE change in family dynamics. It will likely take at least 2 weeks to even begin to feel like you have any sort of sense of anything and then months or more to settle in.

 

There might also be some behavioral issues as they might be grieving the loss of their mom and wondering why she "abandoned" them in favor of the other kids she has, etc. and on and on.

 

In addition to sorting out the schooling issues, family counseling might be a very big thing to consider. And like someone else mentioned, you won't be their "mom" right away--esp. to the 12 year old. Dad is going to have to take a lead role in the parenting as well.

[dragons in the flower bed]

It's tricky to balance wanting to help them adjust by meeting their desires, wanting to help everyone adjust by meeting your own desires, and yet still wanting to give everyone the proper sense of working together as a unit but with parents in charge. To deal with all of that at once, I'd probably talk to them when they get there. Or, ideally, their dad would. Something like, "I am not sure what the best school choice is for you because everything is so new. Please share your opinions with me so I can make the best choices, and keep in mind that some experimentation might be necessary."

 

Really, either homeschooling or public schooling could be harder, and you just don't know until you know their personalities and their classroom situations. So failure or win, here, is pretty random.

 

To make sure they don't feel left out and you don't feel overwhelmed, the only thing you really can do is carefully listen to their opinions, make a decision for the rest of the year for each of them individually rather than all three as a whole, and plan ahead of time to re-evaluate in the summer.

[SailorMom]

I agree with Cammie. If there is any chance they would think you don't want them around maybe you ought to give it a try. I mean already their mom is giving them away for her step kids (or so it may seem to them). Don't do anything that would make them feel unwanted.

:iagree:

[regentrude]

I would absolutely ask them and let them decide. I can't imagine them being that age and having their whole life turned upside down and then being "forced" to do something radically different with their schooling, too - especially with "stepmom" as primary teacher.

 

Be prepared to give these kids a lot of space and room to learn their roles in the new family. If any of them want to homeschool, great. If not, let them go to ps and let them see from the sidelines what homeschooling is like. Maybe next year they'll choose to do it.

 

:iagree:

I can't imagine being a kid, being plucked from my surroundings, displaced to another state and homeschooled by a woman whom I have met only a handful of times.

I would ask their input. First of all, you need to develop a relationship with them - that's hard enough. Working out the details of their schooling would be a distant second for me.

I'd let them decide whether they want to try homeschooling for semester or go to ps, and I would make it clear that they have the opportunity to change their mind at the end of the semester.

[CalicoKat]

My step kids (12, 9 & 7) currently live in California with their mom, but on the January 1st they're coming to live with us full time. (their mom is getting remarried and has 2 other kids, my husband has been trying to get custody for a long time and she just agreed to it.)

 

Me & my husband have debated on homeschooling them, dh says he wants them to be homeschooled but I'm not so sure. I've been around them for holidays and a couple weeks here and there and they are great kids but I'm not sure I'm ready to take on the responsibility to homeschool them along with my other dc. It will already be a big adjustment to move here (especially considering the circumstances). I have no idea how they do in school, I do know dss9 is dyslexic though. I'm not against the public school system, I do what's best for each of kids and that varies every year but in this situation I'm really not sure.

 

Any advice? What would you do?

One big change at a time. Too many emotions right now I'd think to add homeschooling.

 

Maybe do some pro-active counseling before, to prevent, huge emotional issues.

 

Those kids are going to be hurting big time and they may not know how to deal with it.

 

:grouphug: