Trying to not freak out....DD8 and male piano teacher

[YLVD]

I agree. Personally, I do not agree with leaving a child alone with a teacher of the opposite sex, even with other children in the room, for any reason. My dd is never with a man without me present.

 

I can understand this fear and I tread lightly here. But, your children are more at risk with male family members, even extended family members, than they are with teachers. I know that no one wants to think about this, even me, but it's true.

[EKS]

Actually, the odds are not slim at ALL. The number of pedophiles among us are staggering.

 

And you know this how?

[YLVD]

Do you have the same rules for your son being alone with a female? I tutor math and have just made arrangements to work with a 13 year old boy next year. I currently tutor his sister and sometimes the mom goes out to run errands and isn't there when I arrive. Never occurred to me to be concerned about that.

 

It isn't the same. Sorry, but it isn't.

 

When women are sexual offenders at anything near what men are, then it is. It is almost always men. I'm not saying it doesn't happen and it's good to be cautious either way. But the risk is not the same.

[Parrothead]

I can understand this fear and I tread lightly here. But, your children are more at risk with male family members, even extended family members, than they are with teachers. I know that no one wants to think about this, even me, but it's true.

This guy is family to someone.

[YLVD]

And you know this how?

 

I spent a large part of life in study of it, worked in the criminal justice and legal fields, at one time with abused children, part of a huge research project involving sex crimes and children that took two years of academic study

 

The number is staggering. I never realized until I was many years in just how much. I also have seen it among my own family and friends, the result of incest and sexual abuse.

[Parrothead]

I agree. Personally, I do not agree with leaving a child alone with a teacher of the opposite sex, even with other children in the room, for any reason. My dd is never with a man without me present.

:iagree: And as this is part of an academy or music school the director should be informed. Also doors should always be open.

 

Any adult that will not let a parent sit quietly during lessons needs to have his/her priorities checked. They are just asking for trouble.

[athomemom]

My DS6 and DD8 take piano together, as a duet, in the same class with a male piano teacher. After class today, the teacher said it seemed like my daughter had become a little too comfortable with him and was being sassy. So, I spoke to my Dd about it and asked her why she wasn't being respectful and teachable and she said she doesn't like playing for the teacher because he sits next to her on his stool and puts his hand on her shoulder and moves his fingers and she doesn't like to be touched. WHAT??????? Ok, stay calm I tell myself while I'm feeling like my blood is starting to boil. Of course, I asked for specifics...how does he put his hand, has he put it anywhere else, etc. All no's, thank God! He has not put his hand on my DS. Apparently, he puts his hand on her during every class.

 

We've been taking lessons since September and are not friends with this man and even if we were, it is not appropriate. It makes me sick but grateful it has come to my attention. I don't want to read into this but.......

 

What would you do? What do you think?

 

Thank you!

 

People always say I am overprotective, but I have always stayed with my child. Period. Like it or not.

 

Stay with your dd and see if he does the same then...

[YLVD]

:iagree: And as this is part of an academy or music school the director should be informed. Also doors should always be open.

 

Any adult that will not let a parent sit quietly during lessons needs to have his/her priorities checked. They are just asking for trouble.

 

Yep

 

I know that if I were a male I would be very cautious. It sucks that good men have to do that but it is what it is. It's best to just be cautious.

[angela in ohio]

Yes but the fact that he is not touching the boy in the same way is a HUGE red flag. If he were, I think that it would be less alarming

 

That wouldn't phase me. I have one dd who has amazing internal rhythm and one who couldn't keep a beat to save her life. I can see why a teacher would need to help one child and not another, and it might have nothing to do with one being male and one female.

[YLVD]

That wouldn't phase me. I have one dd who has amazing internal rhythm and one who couldn't keep a beat to save her life. I can see why a teacher would need to help one child and not another, and it might have nothing to do with one being male and one female.

 

It would bother me simply because many pedophiles do go into those types of professions, ones working with kids, for this reason. The vast majority go into it because they love children. But the ones that go into it for the proximity to children ruin it for the rest of them. I would feel the same if he touched the boy and not the girl.

 

The fact that the girl is uncomfortable is the most telling to me. Kids are pretty smart about that stuff.

[YLVD]

I dunno, I'm confused. Most children are pretty innocent. They often do not interpret touches as anything. In fact, children are often pretty touchy and huggy to begin with. So I would definitely listen to a child who was uncomfortable with an instructor for this reason.

 

Same here, I can't imagine not listening to a child that is uncomfortable in this way.

[angela in ohio]

I can understand this fear and I tread lightly here. But, your children are more at risk with male family members, even extended family members, than they are with teachers. I know that no one wants to think about this, even me, but it's true.

 

I think most people are aware of that, honestly (at least from past conversations here.) From what I've read, statistically it's the step-father, mom's "friend," or young uncle/cousin who are the biggest threats. I think quite a bit of it has to do with access, though. A family member is more likely to be left alone with a child.

 

But she didn't say she leaves them alone with male family members, either.

[angela in ohio]

It would bother me simply because many pedophiles do go into those types of professions, ones working with kids, for this reason. The vast majority go into it because they love children. But the ones that go into it for the proximity to children ruin it for the rest of them. I would feel the same if he touched the boy and not the girl.

 

The fact that the girl is uncomfortable is the most telling to me. Kids are pretty smart about that stuff.

 

Oh, I agree (and said to get a new teacher back on page one.) I just don't agree that touching only one child on the shoulder is an indication in itself.

[YLVD]

I think most people are aware of that, honestly (at least from past conversations here.) From what I've read, statistically it's the step-father, mom's "friend," or young uncle/cousin who are the biggest threats. I think quite a bit of it has to do with access, though. A family member is more likely to be left alone with a child.

 

But she didn't say she leaves them alone with male family members, either.

 

Yep, that is very true. I posted that above. Our kids are far more at risk with the family members, but this kind of thing is something to keep an eye on as well.

[YLVD]

Oh, I agree (and said to get a new teacher back on page one.) I just don't agree that touching only one child on the shoulder is an indication in itself.

 

I agree with that

[angela in ohio]

People always say I am overprotective, but I have always stayed with my child. Period. Like it or not.

 

Same here. When you think of the staggering, life-altering consequences, I find it easy to justify being "over protective."

[bbkaren]

It would bother me simply because many pedophiles do go into those types of professions, ones working with kids, for this reason. The vast majority go into it because they love children. But the ones that go into it for the proximity to children ruin it for the rest of them. I would feel the same if he touched the boy and not the girl.

 

The fact that the girl is uncomfortable is the most telling to me. Kids are pretty smart about that stuff.

 

True, but keep in mind that she didn't raise the issue of her discomfort until he mentioned her attitude.

 

Could it be, as another poster mentioned, a deflection meant to simply distract Mom from the child's (alleged) misbehavior?

 

I'm inclined to sit in on the lessons and see. If he does it in my presence, I doubt there's malicious intent.

 

But even if he doesn't, it may mean that the child is holding her own tempo-wise at the moment.

 

Maybe he was tapping her during a particularly complex piece of work.

 

I've seen too many people falsely accused and it really does ruin lives.

[bbkaren]

Same here. When you think of the staggering, life-altering consequences, I find it easy to justify being "over protective."

 

And at the same time, you protect the adult in the room as well, from potentially being accused of something, so really that's not a bad solution...

[ravinlunachick]

Why do people keep on insisting that he may have been tapping out the rhythm when the OP said that her dd described it as a "tickle?" You don't tickle a rhythm, do you? I'd think an 8yo would know the difference between a tickle and a rhythmic tap.

 

OP, as a survivor of childhood sexual assault, I want to say thank you. Thank you for taking your dd seriously, and kudos to you for creating a safe environment for her to talk to you in the first place. So very many parents fail to do either of those things.

[I talk to the trees]

I really, really want to side with the teacher. Why? Because I teach private music lessons, and I do <gasp!> touch my students from time to time to correct posture. (I should mention here that my students are required to stand throughout the lesson.) I nudge sagging elbows, straighten crooked heads, and even press gently on shoulders that seem to be creeping up to meet the ears. I use touch rather than speaking because I have found it to be more subtle. When you start speaking, most students will stop playing so that they can hear what you are saying. If you are standing close by and gently lift their elbow, most will get the point, but continue to play. What I'm trying to say is that there are reasons to touch a student while they are playing.

 

BUT...

 

If it were my child, I'd switch instructors. If she's uncomfortable- for whatever reason- that's enough for me. But I'd make a point to tell the teacher why we are switching, something like, "Little Suzie just isn't comfortable with having a teacher's hand on her shoulder while she plays." Assume that the teacher is innocent, because he probably is. He may have given absolutely no thought to the fact that his actions could be misconstrued, and this will give him a reason to think about his teaching habits. And the moving closer and putting a hand on your dd's shoulder could be just the manifestation of the frustration he's feeling because he has a student he feels isn't listening to him. (Like scooting closer to your child to explain- for the millionth time- why the answer they got to a math problem is wrong.) Whatever you do, don't make accusations. He could turn around and accuse you of slandering him.

 

But go ahead and change teachers. Any music teacher worth their salt will understand that you have to do what you as a parent feel is best. It's a shame that we have to be so cautious- as parents and as teachers! Sorry I got so long-winded!

[Guest submarines]

Why do people keep on insisting that he may have been tapping out the rhythm when the OP said that her dd described it as a "tickle?" You don't tickle a rhythm, do you? I'd think an 8yo would know the difference between a tickle and a rhythmic tap.

 

OP, as a survivor of childhood sexual assault, I want to say thank you. Thank you for taking your dd seriously, and kudos to you for creating a safe environment for her to talk to you in the first place. So very many parents fail to do either of those things.

 

I can see my DD, who is extremely sensitive to touch, describing a tapping motion in terms of tickling.

 

I agree with the second part of the post.

[Heather in OK]

And at the same time, you protect the adult in the room as well, from potentially being accused of something, so really that's not a bad solution...

When I first read her OP I didn't accuse him of anything in my head. My thought was, this little girl is not comfortable with being touched by her male piano teacher & those feelings need to be validated and honored. Something needed to be done.

 

And at the same time, if he doesn't want to be accused of anything or even have someone just think there is a possibility of, he needs to keep his hands to himself.

 

Again, if anyone hasn't read Protecting the Gift....do it!!!

[Sara in AZ]

I really, really want to side with the teacher. Why? Because I teach private music lessons, and I do <gasp!> touch my students from time to time to correct posture. (I should mention here that my students are required to stand throughout the lesson.) I nudge sagging elbows, straighten crooked heads, and even press gently on shoulders that seem to be creeping up to meet the ears. I use touch rather than speaking because I have found it to be more subtle. When you start speaking, most students will stop playing so that they can hear what you are saying. If you are standing close by and gently lift their elbow, most will get the point, but continue to play. What I'm trying to say is that there are reasons to touch a student while they are playing.

 

BUT...

 

If it were my child, I'd switch instructors. If she's uncomfortable- for whatever reason- that's enough for me. But I'd make a point to tell the teacher why we are switching, something like, "Little Suzie just isn't comfortable with having a teacher's hand on her shoulder while she plays." Assume that the teacher is innocent, because he probably is. He may have given absolutely no thought to the fact that his actions could be misconstrued, and this will give him a reason to think about his teaching habits. And the moving closer and putting a hand on your dd's shoulder could be just the manifestation of the frustration he's feeling because he has a student he feels isn't listening to him. (Like scooting closer to your child to explain- for the millionth time- why the answer they got to a math problem is wrong.) Whatever you do, don't make accusations. He could turn around and accuse you of slandering him.

 

But go ahead and change teachers. Any music teacher worth their salt will understand that you have to do what you as a parent feel is best. It's a shame that we have to be so cautious- as parents and as teachers! Sorry I got so long-winded!

 

:iagree: with all of this. Another piano teacher here who is suddenly questioning myself for the millions of times I've touched a students hands, wrists, shoulders, or squeezed myself onto a too small bench to play a duet.

 

Listening to the daughter's concerns and possibly switching teachers is all completely valid and imperative, even. However, I think a conversation with the teacher is in order. I would definitely want to know if I were making anyone feel uncomfortable.

[Dianne-TX]

Regardless whether this man is dangerous, your dd is uncomfortable. Period. That is enough. She needs to be able to trust her instincts and will need you to encourage her in that. Find a new piano teacher.

 

:grouphug: I am sorry.

 

:iagree:

[KatieH]

Why do people keep on insisting that he may have been tapping out the rhythm when the OP said that her dd described it as a "tickle?" You don't tickle a rhythm, do you? I'd think an 8yo would know the difference between a tickle and a rhythmic tap.

 

OP, as a survivor of childhood sexual assault, I want to say thank you. Thank you for taking your dd seriously, and kudos to you for creating a safe environment for her to talk to you in the first place. So very many parents fail to do either of those things.

 

:iagree:

[staceyobu]

If you are on this thread and haven't read Protecting the Gift, please go get your copy today.

 

OP, you are doing the right thing finding another teacher. Maybe he is innocent, but if he's not you have spared your dd a lot of pain. And, as other posters have mentioned, teaching your daughter to stay in a situation with someone who gibes her the creeps isn't a good life lesson to teach.

[cdrumm4448]

:confused:

 

Amazing... letting irrational fears limit what could be great experiences and guidance, for your daughter, just because the teacher happens to be a man.

 

I'm amazed you can assume, without knowing me or my children, whether my fears are irrational or not. My children are a gift from God, and I treat them as such.

[cdrumm4448]

And men? It's not as though there's never been a man with a thing for little boys. Historically, well...

 

Really, anyone could be seen as suspect regardless of gender. I personally have no desire of living with that kind of constant fear and suspicion of nearly everyone around me. At a certain point you (generic you) have to loosen the reigns and trust that you've empowered/taught your child what to do in situations that don't feel right.

 

First of all, let me clarify. Neither of my children are ever alone with men or women for lessons. There is no reason for them to be. There is always another adult present in dance class. I am present in violin lessons. Myself or my husband, or another parent, are always present for sports lessons. We homeschool and my husband works a lot. My kids are with me 100% of the time. Protecting them has nothing to do with fear. It has to do with my God-ordained parental responsibility. Most of my friends are not dropoff mothers, either.

[emzhengjiu]

I'm amazed you can assume, without knowing me or my children, whether my fears are irrational or not. My children are a gift from God, and I treat them as such.

 

I would change teachers since your daughter is uncomfortable. There's a good chance this teacher is innocent of any wrong doing, but I would not leave my daughters in a situation that made them uneasy.

 

Ann

[cdrumm4448]

For any reason? No child should ever be left alone with an adult of the opposite sex, even with other children present?

 

Gosh, that sure would be a logistical nightmare for running any kind of school, wouldn't it? All single sex classrooms and staff. No more pottery classes for my ds since the instructor is female. Choir would have to go too: female director. Society in general would have to be totally restructured and segregated. Sounds extreme, IMO.

 

Since I appear to have failed in the clarity department, let me repeat: my children are not alone with members of the opposite sex. I never said they don't have lessons from them. Myself or another trusted adult is present.

 

Second, I never stated this scenario should apply to other people's children. I said,"Personally, ..."

 

You raise yours, I'll raise mine.

[Oak Knoll Mom]

As to why putting a hand on her shoulder and not your son? My initial response is that perhaps she is the one who needs to work on rhythm/ posture/ etc.

 

:iagree: It makes me so sad and angry for normal men everywhere that people immediately jump to call this man a possible pedophile.

[Trish]

I am usually pretty paranoid . . . but putting a hand on a SHOULDER should be safe. Even in places with strict non-touching guidelines, the shoulder is usually considered non-sexual and safe.

 

If she doesn't like it, can you try teaching her to say so? Coach her in saying, "I really don't like to have my shoulder touched, thank you." See how it goes. You could even be there with her for the lesson when she says it.

 

I don't think there is anything to be alarmed about.

 

Well, EVERY LESSON she needs to be touched? I think keeping the teacher (after telling mom about the touching and her discomfort with it) simply communicates that this is not a big deal. Maybe it will cause her to second guess herself, minimize her own instincts.

 

Maybe I'm just oversensitive because the football coach at the local high school went off to jail today for sexually molesting some of his students, and harrassing others. I think they need to learn at a young age that if something makes you uncomfortable, you do something about it, not watch through a window to "see if it happens again," or "let me know if the touching gets more intense or moves to forbidden areas," or whatever.

 

Particularly in this day an age, any piano teacher who needs to adjust a student for posture reasons should clearly state to the student that is what he is doing. IMO. And if there's bad posture for EVERY lesson, well we either need a Chiropractic Intervention, or like I said, a new teacher.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Particularly in this day an age, any piano teacher who needs to adjust a student for posture reasons should clearly state to the student that is what he is doing. IMO. And if there's bad posture for EVERY lesson, well we either need a Chiropractic Intervention, or like I said, a new teacher.

 

Many musical instruments and some sports too require certain habits of posture or form. Yes, they require constant supervision and correction by the teacher. It has nothing to do with needing chiropractic care :rolleyes: I do think that telling parents and teachers up front that this is often needed helps. I know that when dd10 took gymnastics (sometimes from male coaches) that they were up front about the fact that the coaches needed to correct form, posture and needed to support the student's bodies while spotting them. Fortunately no one accused them of inappropriate behavior when they were just doing their job.

[Trish]

Many musical instruments and some sports too require certain habits of posture or form. Yes, they require constant supervision and correction by the teacher. It has nothing to do with needing chiropractic care :rolleyes: I do think that telling parents and teachers up front that this is often needed helps. I know that when dd10 took gymnastics (sometimes from male coaches) that they were up front about the fact that the coaches needed to correct form, posture and needed to support the student's bodies while spotting them. Fortunately no one accused them of inappropriate behavior when they were just doing their job.

 

I know.

 

My boys have a piano teacher, as well as sports coaches. I'm speaking to this particular situation, as described by the OP. ;)

[Wabi Sabi]

Since I appear to have failed in the clarity department, let me repeat: my children are not alone with members of the opposite sex. I never said they don't have lessons from them. Myself or another trusted adult is present.

 

Second, I never stated this scenario should apply to other people's children. I said,"Personally, ..."

 

You raise yours, I'll raise mine.

 

You sound a little hostile...? I don't know, it's hard to read tone online I suppose.

 

Just out of genuine curiosity- is there any chance that your children will ever attend school? How would you personally deal with the possibility of your child ever having a teacher of the opposite sex? Or, is school just totally never going to be an option so it's a moot point...?

[tothenthdegree]

Hello again, I am the OP. I have read all of your responses and truly appreciate your input. I will talk to the teacher and explain that my daughter does not feel comfortable being touched and that she prefers a female teacher. My daughter is not the manipulative type. When I brought up to her the teacher's comment about her behavior, she immediately had a response for me......I don't think she had planned that, it's just what she felt.

 

I will tell him that he should not be touching his students unless he explains his reasons and asks for permission from the parents and the student. I will also explain it to the owner. What bugs me most about this issue is that the teacher has never put his hand on my DS's shoulder and he is the one who would need more help with rhythm than DD. My DH and I do not intend to ruin this man's life based on this event but let him know our concerns in case he is innocent.

 

As a mom, I never want to be in a position where I'm consoling my child for having been abused. It is a fear I have and it is my duty to protect my children.

[Trish]

I can't believe how people jump to such nasty conclusions so quickly. Touching someone on the shoulder is inappropriate? Really? Since when? (Not just this teacher/child specifically, but in general.)

 

It's sad when people become so scared of boogey-men lurking behind every corner. Does abuse happen? Sadly, yes. But to even implicate that this might be the case here? A hasty judgement, IMO.

 

Still, I agree with the recommendations to find a new teacher. You'll be doing him a favor.

 

Concerns are not conclusions. I don't think touching someone on the shoulder is inappropriate, nor positioning a child for playing properly. However a hand on the shoulder in a ticklish manner for every lesson, to the point where the child is mentioning it to her mother, makes me think it could be inapproriate.

 

Yes, really.

 

The guy isn't being accused of anything to any authority. It's just a matter of switching teachers because the girl is uncomfortable. If more people would take things seriously at the outset, instead of downplaying it, ignoring it, hoping it would go away, or giving people the "benefit of the doubt" when they're making kids feel skeevy, we'd have fewer children at risk.

 

So what if he's "probably innocent?" He isn't the only piano teacher on the planet, what's the harm in trusting the daughter's instincts on this, for Mozart's sake?

[cdrumm4448]

You sound a little hostile...? I don't know, it's hard to read tone online I suppose.

 

Just out of genuine curiosity- is there any chance that your children will ever attend school? How would you personally deal with the possibility of your child ever having a teacher of the opposite sex? Or, is school just totally never going to be an option so it's a moot point...?

 

Yes, tone is difficult to determine online. I am concise and direct. Take it as you will.

 

My children came from school. They don't plan to go back. And for what it's worth, a priest from their school is serving time for m*olesting his Godson. He plea bargained 11 felony counts and 1 Class-X felony down to 4 years. He had already served 6 months when he was convicted, after committing 5 years of m*olestation. He *may* be deported when he gets out.

 

So, I'm sure you can understand why I'm vigilant.

[DarlaS]

That wouldn't phase me. I have one dd who has amazing internal rhythm and one who couldn't keep a beat to save her life. I can see why a teacher would need to help one child and not another, and it might have nothing to do with one being male and one female.

 

:iagree:

 

And I can tell you that during the course of a normal school day, I touch my dd just to get her attention many many times more than her younger brother. He just has much greater focus. (I strongly suspect ADD in her. :001_unsure:)

 

Of course we are speaking of "a" teacher here--not necessarily this one. Sounds pretty off if the boy would be more likely to need help.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Concerns are not conclusions. I don't think touching someone on the shoulder is inappropriate, nor positioning a child for playing properly. However a hand on the shoulder in a ticklish manner for every lesson, to the point where the child is mentioning it to her mother, makes me think it could be inapproriate.

 

Yes, really.

 

The guy isn't being accused of anything to any authority. It's just a matter of switching teachers because the girl is uncomfortable. If more people would take things seriously at the outset, instead of downplaying it, ignoring it, hoping it would go away, or giving people the "benefit of the doubt" when they're making kids feel skeevy, we'd have fewer children at risk.

 

So what if he's "probably innocent?" He isn't the only piano teacher on the planet, what's the harm in trusting the daughter's instincts on this, for Mozart's sake?

 

But I don't think that people are saying that because he's "probably innocent" that the mom shouldn't talk to him or sit in the class or address it in some way. That's why I said in an earlier post that this would be a yellow flag - a caution that should be addressed and inquired about but not necessarily a red flag - something to be reported or made a huge deal about. How he reacts to an inquiry can be very instructive and can mean the difference between lowering the alert level to green (while still being vigilant, of course) or moving it up to red. Some people might want to move directly to another teacher without any inquiry but I, personally, would only do that if there were other things that made me want to look for another teacher anyway.

[rocketgirl]

The point is that your daughter is uncomfortable and being so young, you need to support her in learning to trust her instincts because they will help her throughout her life.

[PeacefulChaos]

OP, :grouphug: and I think you are doing the right thing. :) This guy is probably totally harmless. I do think the no parents rule is a little strange. But in any case, if your DD isn't comfortable with him that's the most important thing.

 

Do you have the same rules for your son being alone with a female? I tutor math and have just made arrangements to work with a 13 year old boy next year. I currently tutor his sister and sometimes the mom goes out to run errands and isn't there when I arrive. Never occurred to me to be concerned about that.

I do think that there is a lot of guardedness (totally not a word, but anyway...) toward men in general. It kinda stinks. But at the same time, I go to a church where we have to do background checks, a class, forms yearly, and work in groups of 2 with there NEVER being only one adult in the room with any children. Oh, and married couples don't count, not for children under 12. So DH and I only count as 1 person. :) And I DID argue at the time for men not to be allowed to change diapers (not that any men work in the nursery, anyway!) So I guess I may have a bit of a double standard. I do, however, think the 2 person rule is about as safe as you can get. :)

 

Hey, you do what you have to do to keep your kids safe! I just wondered if I need to make a rule that I'm not willing to be there without another adult in the house. I really don't want to even bring it up but wondered if it's routine to allow teachers/students to be unsupervised.

 

When my oldest were teens and were babysitting, there were a couple of families who wouldn't allow their husband to drive my girls home after babysitting. Their rule was set so the dh would never have to worry about being accused of inappropriate behavior. It just seemed bizarre to me- we were good friends with these families and it's not as if our girls were notorious flirts or anything.

I actually totally agree with their method. :) It may be a hassle for everyone involved, but it is what is safest to protect the DH from anything being said about him.

 

I can understand this fear and I tread lightly here. But, your children are more at risk with male family members, even extended family members, than they are with teachers. I know that no one wants to think about this, even me, but it's true.

:iagree: and it stinks. :glare: It has occurred to me a few times, lately, that I never should feel like I can fully trust everyone just because they are at the big thanksgiving dinner, etc. What a world we live in... :(

[scrappyhappymama]

True, but keep in mind that she didn't raise the issue of her discomfort until he mentioned her attitude.

 

Could it be, as another poster mentioned, a deflection meant to simply distract Mom from the child's (alleged) misbehavior?

 

 

I suppose this is possible, but if she was truly just trying to deflect attention from her own misdeeds, it seems odd for a young girl to just accuse him of tickling her shoulder and making her feel uncomfortable. As the conversation here indicates, it's too ambiguous, and it's not likely she's old enough to really understand the implications it denotes to some adults. If she'd accused him of being mean to her or picking on her or pinching her arm, then it would be a more blatant offense that would deflect the attention from her own sassiness.

 

I find it more likely that she truly IS uncomfortable, and that this is likely the reason for her sassiness. There is completely innocent shoulder touching and then there is very intimate shoulder touching as well. Something is triggering her inappropriateness alarm bells, and it's so important for that to be honored and validated.

 

I can tell you as a child who experienced similar grooming, it is just as hard for the child to figure out whether the touch is appropriate or not as it is for the parents reading this thread. There is a lot of internal second guessing and conflict because it is a person you trust and who your parents trust, but he makes you feel skeevy. Sassiness toward this person, when it was not in my nature to act that way to adults in general, was definitely a way I acted out my discomfort- LONG before things progressed beyond grooming and even longer before the abuse was discovered.

 

The teacher could be innocently unwise or he could be grooming the child for later escalation of interactions. One really cannot know at this point, but you do know that your child is uncomfortable, and the most important thing is validate her feelings and her trust in you for sharing them. Because it is the very children who tamp down these feelings or who never share them, or who are told they just have bad attitudes, who are most at risk for being groomed and abused.