Reece's Rainbow--I cannot believe that this is allowed

[Denisemomof4]

Honestly, while I think this sounds nice, I'm not sure this is what's actually needed the most. Basic info about RAD/attachment disorders and how to recognize attachment disorder is important, but, imo, the absolute non-negotiable is having a service plan in place BEFORE the child comes into your home. Assume their will be issues and create a service plan to address them so that parents know EXACTLY where to go if/when they need help. If you end up not needing help, great.

 

We were educated about attachment issues before our dd arrived. Ok, great, but when we needed help, it took TWO YEARS to find the appropriate services. We should have known where these services were before dd ever arrived.

 

Tara

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:This is EXCELLENT. Wish it could be like this.

[Haiku]

because you haven't seen it means nothing. And many moms learn not to talk about it.

 

EXACTLY! Everybody in the entire universe and their mother thought my dd was just about the dandiest thing going. She was so beautiful ... so sweet ... so charming ... so helpless ... so pitiable ... there was no possible way she was capable of the horrible things I accused her of. What in the world was wrong with me that I had it out for this child?? I must be jealous of her beauty and sweetness and the attention she got ... no, wait, it was that I didn't love her ... no, wait, it was that I was too rigid of a parent and I just wasn't willing to give her what she needed. I mean, clearly, I was a horrible mom to this poor, beautiful, sweet, charming, helpless orphan ...

 

Hells yes I learned not to talk about it! Even my own husband didn't fully believe me until we got into RAD counseling and he got to watch dd with the therapists over closed-circuit tv. Let's just say it was slightly eye-opening for him.

 

Tara

[Excelsior! Academy]

I want to ditto Pamela and Denise. Until you have experienced this it is really a hard thing to understand. I was in no way prepared for our situation.

 

I pray that this family has been well informed and are prepared for their new children. It will be a difficult road, but one that will be worth it. It causes you to love in ways you have never imagined.

[happyhomemaker25]

because you haven't seen it means nothing. And many moms learn not to talk about it. WHy? Because their kids are little angels around other people. They put on their little charming act, or their helpless little soul act, and nobody could ever believe that the child could do things you claim. I'm so very thankful to have great friends who BELIEVE me and are a wonderful support to me. Most adoptive moms don't have that, and so many just begin to isolate themselves from the world because it's easier. I've been tempted but I refuse to allow that to happen to my life or my dd11's life.

 

Yep! I did have to cut ties with some people who were just way to sympathetic to her plight. They could unravel months of work with just a few words.

I do have friends and family who believe me. A few who have even been burned by my girl. Everyone considering adoption anywhere in the world has got to sit down and learn about attachment issues, especially RAD. In the waiting period before the adoption is finalized plans should be set in place in case any attachment issues pop up. I believe every pre adoptive family should meet with a RAD specialist. It is hard to spot from the outside. It's when your in the trenches that you get to see it in all it's glory. I never dreamed it would be this bad and 6 years later we are still trying to get the proper help!

[Jaybee]

Our sixth child was adopted internationally at the age of 3 yrs. 10 months. He does not have RAD. He is charming and adorable (even at the age of 8!), and even though he does not have RAD, he does still have the occasional rage and is somewhat moody. We have a good relationship with him, but there is room for improvement, and we feel there are still some barriers that we would love to see come down. Just background info.

 

With our son, we do not deal with the major issues that many do. However, as much as we read, as much as we were required to do by our agency for self-education (required books, required courses, etc.), as prepared as we tried to be for all scenarios, it is still a different thing when you bring the child home. I was shocked by my own reactions--my seething anger when he pushed my buttons, which he did like an expert. I did not expect the deep competitive nature of the relationship between him and my youngest biological child, and how stressful that would be for everybody in the family. It just looked different from what we expected, even though we tried to be prepared.

 

All that is to say, that many parents, when going through the adoption process, do not "have ears to hear." Some that we knew just brushed off the required preparation as educating about issues that wouldn't apply to them. That took me aback. I was personally terrified by some of the things I read, and had to be willing to push past it to continue on in the process. There is definitely an element of faith involved, and I would hope that it is "educated faith." I think the poster above who mentioned post-placement support as being vitally important was spot on. You just do not know what you are going to be dealing with, or what it is going to look like once you are home.

 

In our own situation, I am glad we adopted our son. I would like to adopt again, though our ages and circumstances may prevent it. But I am much more contemplative about it now, much more reticent about feeling like it is such a "wow" thing for everybody, much more aware of the risks--and again, we are not dealing with the much more difficult situation of RAD.

 

Adoption is a response to a crisis. It is birthed (pardon the expression--I do not mean it facetiously) out of pain. Adoptive parents need to recognize that if they want to understand their children. My child grieves, and I grieve with him--not that he was adopted, but that he was in the circumstances where he had to be adopted.

 

I am rambling; don't have the answers; I just know this conversation touches me in deep places.

[Pamela H in Texas]

They *may* be able to overcome a LOT in time, but it isn't going to be overnight.

 

See, I put the above (in regards to infants and very young children) and I emphasized may and yet I think I still hope that I can help them overcome *all.* Yesterday, I talked to the children's therapist about the middle one with fear and anxiety (nevermind the hatefulness and eeyore-ness that I hope he'll choose to drop in favor of happiness and pleasantness). She gave me ideas; but was very clear that it is very likely in his case that his general frame of reference will likely be where he is and he'll have to work against that, usually after the fact. So it may not be reasonable after seven YEARS (it's only been seven MONTHS) that he simply won't have the deep rooted feelings and so the behaviors. I think I fight for thinking that if we change the behaviors, he'll see he the feelings are not based on what real life is for him now. Though that is a possibility, I really need to accept that this is who this child *is* and we may have this as a fact of life. It may be a matter of us all accepting what *is* and learning ways to deal with it rather than trying to change the fact. What we do may look similar; but it may make all the difference in the world if we are approaching it with the right goal and frame of mind....and acceptance. And we need to be teaching HIM acceptance and what to do with it rather than it is something to be "fixed."

 

Anyway, I'm not sure I'm putting this well. I'm just saying that I've chosen to parent this child after learning A LOT and I'm still learning SO much every single day. I'm reading another attachment related book currently and almost every page is more "oh, yeah; that is a good way to think about it." I just can't imagine anyone taking this journey without the knowledge and resources put in place. We have books and videos. We have an agency. We have a psychologist for two kids and FOUR for the youngest. I have my own psychologist (just graduated last week; but he's there). The children have an awesome therapist I appreciate so much on a weekly basis. We have various services. We have post-adoption being set up. We have other foster-adopt friends and acquaintances. We file away resources in case we need them later. Some of our resources we'll lose at adoption so we've already tried to replace them. Again, I just can't imagine being successful at this without doing all of the above and more. And honestly, I've seen a situation get out of control (with kids MY kids' ages) when the above was thought unnecessary just because the children were adopted "early." There simply is no such thing as "early" when kids are coming from neglect, abuse, deprivation, etc.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I did not expect the deep competitive nature of the relationship between him and my youngest biological child, and how stressful that would be for everybody in the family. It just looked different from what we expected, even though we tried to be prepared.

 

This is my wondering about adding another kid or sibling group to our mix. There *will* be dynamics between that child and each of the three (even five; but I do think the large age difference helps) as them as an entity (which is more of a case in their situation as they actually - really - believe they are only ONE, not three also). Many times it seems we're not quite finished. Many times, I think I'm crazy.

[Jaybee]

"Many times it seems we're not quite finished. Many times, I think I'm crazy."

 

Yep. This is where I land.

[Haiku]

I really need to accept that this is who this child *is* and we may have this as a fact of life.

 

That is one of the most important things I got out of RAD counseling ... yes, I learned a lot of strategies to deal with dd's behaviors, but I also learned that "She is who she is" and in many respects probably won't change, and I have to work with her where she is. My dd is a victim. She has created a victim persona and she lives a victim's life in a victim's world. Everything that happens to her is seen through the filter of her self-imposed victimhood. I have given up asking, "Is this a result of the things that happened to dd or is it just who she is at her core?" It doesn't really matter anymore.

 

The greatest thing I got out of RAD counseling is that I don't have to work harder than dd. If she doesn't care and makes no effort, if she's not willing to meet me somewhere along the path, it's not my sole responsibility to fix things. I was plagued with guilt for quite some time until I was given permission to expect that dd make some effort on her own behalf.

 

Tara

[Haiku]

I realize that this is an old thread. I participated in it when it was current.

 

I have since become involved with Reece's Rainbow as an advocate for the children featured there (as well as children featured elsewhere). I'll be the first to admit that I don't like everything I see. Some stuff squicks me out on a gut level and makes me wonder how people can accomplish what they are planning to do.

 

But I would like to pose the question: What is the alternative for these kids? In the world of adoption, people willing to adopt older and disabled kids is a tiny minority. Most people want healthy babies or children with only minor special needs. Very, very few people are knocking on the door for older, severely handicapped kids. Is it better that these kids remain institutionalized than to be adopted by a family that may not, from the outside, look like the ideal placement?

 

If anyone is interested in knowing more about what life is like for institutionalized disabled children in Eastern Europe, I would encourage you to watch the following:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You can also search YouTube and Google for more information about the plight of children in Eastern European orphanages and mental institutions. It's not pretty. In fact, it's downright horrifying.

 

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is, don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

 

Tara

http://wonderofboys.blogspot.com/

[LibraryLover]

I realize that this is an old thread. I participated in it when it was current.

 

I have since become involved with Reece's Rainbow as an advocate for the children featured there (as well as children featured elsewhere). I'll be the first to admit that I don't like everything I see. Some stuff squicks me out on a gut level and makes me wonder how people can accomplish what they are planning to do.

 

But I would like to pose the question: What is the alternative for these kids? In the world of adoption, people willing to adopt older and disabled kids is a tiny minority. Most people want healthy babies or children with only minor special needs. Very, very few people are knocking on the door for older, severely handicapped kids. Is it better that these kids remain institutionalized than to be adopted by a family that may not, from the outside, look like the ideal placement?

 

If anyone is interested in knowing more about what life is like for institutionalized disabled children in Eastern Europe, I would encourage you to watch the following:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You can also search YouTube and Google for more information about the plight of children in Eastern European orphanages and mental institutions. It's not pretty. In fact, it's downright horrifying.

 

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is, don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

 

Tara

http://wonderofboys.blogspot.com/

 

 

I just watched your whole first link. I don't think I can watch anymore. That is one of the miserable things I have ever seen in my life. I had to look away so many times. Horrifying. But even them, it doesn't seem enough. Hell on earth, maybe.

[SKL]

I just watched your whole first link. I don't think I can watch anymore. That is one of the miserable things I have ever seen in my life. I had to look away so many times. Horrifying. But even them, it doesn't seem enough. Hell on earth, maybe.

 

I got through 7 of the 9 parts of the first one. I had to stop.

 

I've donated to Reese's Rainbow before and I'm pretty sure I will again. I have a funny feeling that there might be still more I can/will do, but I'm not yet sure what.

 

My dd was born in a poor country with some problems that could have left her uneducable if left untreated too long. It makes me so sick to think what could be. I'm not the best parent, but at least there are resources in this country to help these kids. If they're adopted by an imperfect family, at least there is some sense that someone cares how they feel. It can't be much worse than the alternative.

 

There are families who make multiple non-infant adoptions work. We only hear about the horror stories.

[jallison25]

I got through 7 of the 9 parts of the first one. I had to stop.

 

I've donated to Reese's Rainbow before and I'm pretty sure I will again. I have a funny feeling that there might be still more I can/will do, but I'm not yet sure what.

 

My dd was born in a poor country with some problems that could have left her uneducable if left untreated too long. It makes me so sick to think what could be. I'm not the best parent, but at least there are resources in this country to help these kids. If they're adopted by an imperfect family, at least there is some sense that someone cares how they feel. It can't be much worse than the alternative.

 

There are families who make multiple non-infant adoptions work. We only hear about the horror stories.

 

We are currently adopting a little guy with ds and have a sponsorship page with RR. I'd be happy to talk with you about anything you have questions about if that funny feeling every becomes full blown :D

[fairfarmhand]

I just want to thank all you adoptive moms for stepping up and taking your children.

 

I also appreciate your candidness about the realities of life after adoption.

 

I used to be one of those "Love overcomes all" moms who really wanted an adoption. I believe, had I not learned of RAD and the effects from this board, I would have shoved my reluctant husband into a halfhearted adoption. If the child did have RAD, he would not have handled it well.

 

Some people are good at handling that sort of thing, others are not, and he is in the not category. Just being a good dad to our 4 bio kids when they are being stinkers is hard. I really think that he would have resented the adoptee and our marriage would have be sorely tried.

 

So now, although I would love to adopt, I am leaving it alone. I pray about it. It is not my job, however, to change my dh's mind, so I just pray that God's will will be done in our lives. However, that works out is up to HIM.

 

So I pray for orphans. I support my friends who are adoptive moms. I help them as they raise money for their adoptions. And I pray that our family will do what we are supposed to do.

[cin]

because you haven't seen it means nothing. And many moms learn not to talk about it. WHy? Because their kids are little angels around other people. They put on their little charming act, or their helpless little soul act, and nobody could ever believe that the child could do things you claim. I'm so very thankful to have great friends who BELIEVE me and are a wonderful support to me. Most adoptive moms don't have that, and so many just begin to isolate themselves from the world because it's easier. I've been tempted but I refuse to allow that to happen to my life or my dd11's life.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Maverick_Mom]

This thread is very timely for me. Dh and I know a couple who recently got back from eastern Europe with their two special-needs adopted daughters. They had the opportunity to spend extended time with the girls during two or three visits in the course of the adoption process. They knew things were going to be challenging. But they had no idea that things were going to get so bad so fast when the girls arrived here in the States. Everything they're experiencing screams RAD. There are feeding issues, rage, and self-abusive behaviors like headbanging, biting and pinching. This has shaken them to the core. Thankfully, they have the support of a special-needs adoption group and of an RAD group. I would not and could not do what they are doing -- I don't have it in me. But I give them enormous credit for what they are willing to do, and I want to be supportive of them. They've chosen to allow their formerly peaceful lives to be disrupted so that these girls could have a chance to be loved and to live outside of an institution. That's an unbelievable sacrifice.

[Cindy in C-ville]

 

But I would like to pose the question: What is the alternative for these kids? In the world of adoption, people willing to adopt older and disabled kids is a tiny minority. Most people want healthy babies or children with only minor special needs. Very, very few people are knocking on the door for older, severely handicapped kids. Is it better that these kids remain institutionalized than to be adopted by a family that may not, from the outside, look like the ideal placement?

 

http://wonderofboys.blogspot.com/

 

This is the question that haunts me. Adopting Katya had a definite cost in our family. She is, without at doubt, our hardest child. Not RAD, but there is definitely manipulation, lying, stealing food, etc. I'm the best mommy in the world when she's getting what she wants, but the meanest of all the mean mommies when she's not. Between our court date and the date I brought her home, I grieved the loss of what was our family. But, I knew that God was calling us to it.

 

I don't know if I could do what Denise has done.

[thefragile7393]

This thread is very timely for me. Dh and I know a couple who recently got back from eastern Europe with their two special-needs adopted daughters. They had the opportunity to spend extended time with the girls during two or three visits in the course of the adoption process. They knew things were going to be challenging. But they had no idea that things were going to get so bad so fast when the girls arrived here in the States. Everything they're experiencing screams RAD. There are feeding issues, rage, and self-abusive behaviors like headbanging, biting and pinching. This has shaken them to the core. Thankfully, they have the support of a special-needs adoption group and of an RAD group. I would not and could not do what they are doing -- I don't have it in me. But I give them enormous credit for what they are willing to do, and I want to be supportive of them. They've chosen to allow their formerly peaceful lives to be disrupted so that these girls could have a chance to be loved and to live outside of an institution. That's an unbelievable sacrifice.

:iagree:

[I.Dup.]

I know of several large families adopting severely disabled children from other countries. This blogger started a lot of it:

 

http://theblessingofverity (DOT) com/

 

There is also this one:

 

http://thesousabrownfamily.blogspot (DOT) com/

 

and you can find more on their side bars.

 

I am greatly inspired by what they do. These children will rot in beds their entire lives if it weren't for them rescuing them. However, you all raise valid concerns.

[AngelBee]

Denise - :grouphug:. I always appreciate your posts because you really have experience with this. Your youngest daughter is the one with RAD, right? I've always heard the number one rule of adoption is to not change birth order. Do you think you could have been as good of a parent to your RAD DD if you had children younger than her in the home also?

I do not have a child with RAD, but we did adopt out of birth order and adopted a 17 year old boy (now 20).

 

It took some adjusting for ALL of us, but it has been a tremendous blessing to our family! I never dreamed I would adopt out of order or a teen boy......God decided otherwise. ;) :lol:

[I.Dup.]

I realize that this is an old thread. I participated in it when it was current.

 

I have since become involved with Reece's Rainbow as an advocate for the children featured there (as well as children featured elsewhere). I'll be the first to admit that I don't like everything I see. Some stuff squicks me out on a gut level and makes me wonder how people can accomplish what they are planning to do.

 

But I would like to pose the question: What is the alternative for these kids? In the world of adoption, people willing to adopt older and disabled kids is a tiny minority. Most people want healthy babies or children with only minor special needs. Very, very few people are knocking on the door for older, severely handicapped kids. Is it better that these kids remain institutionalized than to be adopted by a family that may not, from the outside, look like the ideal placement?

 

If anyone is interested in knowing more about what life is like for institutionalized disabled children in Eastern Europe, I would encourage you to watch the following:

 

 

 

 

You can also search YouTube and Google for more information about the plight of children in Eastern European orphanages and mental institutions. It's not pretty. In fact, it's downright horrifying.

 

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is, don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

 

Tara

http://wonderofboys.blogspot.com/

 

Well said. The families I know are adopting from Pleven and were pioneers in the movement to expose the abuse that is going on there. It is very sad. I do doubt how families here can handle it, but it is still very inspiring to WATCH THEM DO IT.

[AngelBee]

I don't know if I will make it through those videos. :( Had to pause number one: part 1.

[justLisa]

I don't know if I will make it through those videos. :( Had to pause number one: part 1.

 

It is horrible and real. I can hardly bare to watch stuff like this

[AngelBee]

It is horrible and real. I can hardly bare to watch stuff like this

 

All those little ones were blind. Nothing else. They never go outside. :( Ugh.....heartbreaking.

[SKL]

I follow the blogs of a couple people who have adopted Down syndrome babies from Ukraine. One just came home, but the other has been home a few years and has presented all sorts of problems, including RAD as well as medical issues that impact behavior (e.g., does not feel pain, does not sweat, can't drink liquids, etc.) It is also suspected that she has autism. (They have a bio child with DS and this is a lot more than that.) They are doing the best they can, but some idiots think it is their calling to criticize these folks. As has been explained by some here, you don't treat a RAD child like a normal child. Yet when people treat their RAD child differently, they get accused of not loving the child. (As an adoptive parent, that is the last thing you say to someone who went through the adoption process and went halfway around the world to bring home a child with numerous special needs.)

 

So this summer they decided that this RAD child's issues were causing too much harm to the four kids who do not have RAD. They couldn't go anywhere that wasn't air conditioned, they couldn't be around crowds or anything too stimulating, etc. They sent the child to live with her grandma while the rest of the family does what families do in the summer. (The RAD girl actually likes this deal better because of the one-on-one it gets her.) The blogger mom is ambivalent about whether bringing the child into their family was good for the family. But there is no doubt the little girl is better off than she'd be in an institution. Where she comes from, DS children generally die within a year after being transferred to the "institution" (which occurs about age 4, I believe).

 

I guess what I'm saying is that even if it isn't all roses for some of these kids in the US, how can we judge the parents for trying to do a good thing - for saving a life? How in the world does such judgment help these kids?

[Plink]

.

[Just Kate]

Thanks for the links Tara!

 

I am the sister of the family with 6 kids who adopted another 3 in the OP.

 

The boys are home and adjusting really well. Want an update?

 

The oldest was found to be completely deaf. He previously had no communication other than grunts and pointing, but the entire family knows sign (they already had a hoh daughter) and he is learning quickly. A hospital in Boston contacted the family recently asking if he could participate in a cochlear implant study. Parents are weighing the options at this point. Of the three he is he one with the most attachment issues, but we are seeing improvement steadily. He is also the one with the most medical issues, and had to have 7 (maybe 8?) teeth pulled because of plain neglect. The poor kid didn't even know what a toothbrush was and he literally Jumped into the dentist chair for his second round of tooth extractions and pointed to the ones he wanted to have taken out. He must have been in extreme pain. Tragic really.

 

The middle boy is a language whiz. In the few months that he has been home he has come to understand English almost perfectly, and is learning to read. It has been fun to watch him absorb everything so quickly. Lightbulbs are hot. Worms don't bite. Toilets flush. Airplanes fly. Food is always available. A says /a/. It is all new and exciting.

 

The youngest boy is a tiny love. He has had a lot of nutrition problems, and some parasites to deal with, but he is getting healthier every day. He needs a lot of cuddle time with mom - who can blame him. I love watching him learn to pump his feet on the swing and which direction to push the broom.

 

They are a big family, yes, but God has gifted every single one of them with the amazing power to handle the chaos gracefully.

 

Not everyone is called to be a mom to many. Personally, I would hate to be a gardener (ick), but that is my choice. This family chose a road that many people don't want to take, and they are loving every step. It it sometimes hard? Sure! The best things in life are hard, but the effort is worth it.

 

Photos here for the curious.

 

Love this! I did not participate in this thread, but I did read with great interest. I loved reading your sister's blog. Thank you so much for sharing.

[justLisa]

I follow the blogs of a couple people who have adopted Down syndrome babies from Ukraine. One just came home, but the other has been home a few years and has presented all sorts of problems, including RAD as well as medical issues that impact behavior (e.g., does not feel pain, does not sweat, can't drink liquids, etc.) It is also suspected that she has autism. (They have a bio child with DS and this is a lot more than that.) They are doing the best they can, but some idiots think it is their calling to criticize these folks. As has been explained by some here, you don't treat a RAD child like a normal child. Yet when people treat their RAD child differently, they get accused of not loving the child. (As an adoptive parent, that is the last thing you say to someone who went through the adoption process and went halfway around the world to bring home a child with numerous special needs.)

 

So this summer they decided that this RAD child's issues were causing too much harm to the four kids who do not have RAD. They couldn't go anywhere that wasn't air conditioned, they couldn't be around crowds or anything too stimulating, etc. They sent the child to live with her grandma while the rest of the family does what families do in the summer. (The RAD girl actually likes this deal better because of the one-on-one it gets her.) The blogger mom is ambivalent about whether bringing the child into their family was good for the family. But there is no doubt the little girl is better off than she'd be in an institution. Where she comes from, DS children generally die within a year after being transferred to the "institution" (which occurs about age 4, I believe).

 

I guess what I'm saying is that even if it isn't all roses for some of these kids in the US, how can we judge the parents for trying to do a good thing - for saving a life? How in the world does such judgment help these kids?

 

I completely agree with you.

[LibraryLover]

 

 

Photos here for the curious.

 

 

Wow! Love the little video. Just wow.

[deacongirl]

But there is no doubt the little girl is better off than she'd be in an institution. Where she comes from, DS children generally die within a year after being transferred to the "institution" (which occurs about age 4, I believe).

 

I guess what I'm saying is that even if it isn't all roses for some of these kids in the US, how can we judge the parents for trying to do a good thing - for saving a life? How in the world does such judgment help these kids?

 

You are absolutely right. I wish the very best to the parents who choose to give these children a family and to Reece's Rainbow.

[cin]

Thanks for the links Tara!

 

I am the sister of the family with 6 kids who adopted another 3 in the OP.

 

The boys are home and adjusting really well. Want an update?

 

The oldest was found to be completely deaf. He previously had no communication other than grunts and pointing, but the entire family knows sign (they already had a hoh daughter) and he is learning quickly. A hospital in Boston contacted the family recently asking if he could participate in a cochlear implant study. Parents are weighing the options at this point. Of the three he is he one with the most attachment issues, but we are seeing improvement steadily. He is also the one with the most medical issues, and had to have 7 (maybe 8?) teeth pulled because of plain neglect. The poor kid didn't even know what a toothbrush was and he literally Jumped into the dentist chair for his second round of tooth extractions and pointed to the ones he wanted to have taken out. He must have been in extreme pain. Tragic really.

 

The middle boy is a language whiz. In the few months that he has been home he has come to understand English almost perfectly, and is learning to read. It has been fun to watch him absorb everything so quickly. Lightbulbs are hot. Worms don't bite. Toilets flush. Airplanes fly. Food is always available. A says /a/. It is all new and exciting.

 

The youngest boy is a tiny love. He has had a lot of nutrition problems, and some parasites to deal with, but he is getting healthier every day. He needs a lot of cuddle time with mom - who can blame him. I love watching him learn to pump his feet on the swing and which direction to push the broom.

 

They are a big family, yes, but God has gifted every single one of them with the amazing power to handle the chaos gracefully.

 

Not everyone is called to be a mom to many. Personally, I would hate to be a gardener (ick), but that is my choice. This family chose a road that many people don't want to take, and they are loving every step. It it sometimes hard? Sure! The best things in life are hard, but the effort is worth it.

 

Photos here for the curious.

 

You sister (?) is an awesome woman. And I will say, some people are able to deal with those things, and some are not. I have seen families who couldn't deal with 1 child with RAD. And, unfortunately, had to give him to the state (however that works). I also know a family who has knowingly adopted 2 special needs children.

 

I heard somewhere, and I wish I could remember where I heard/read it, that children who are adopted a bit older, actually attach better if there is a 'health crisis' shortly after they come home. That is, if they are hospitalized for several days. They theory is that they see that the adults in their lives are there beside them, NO MATTER WHAT. And that helps them see that they won't be abandoned, or in the case of our daughter, passed on to another caregiver. Just a thought on the implant thing. Not advocating it one way or another.

 

I skimmed your sister's blog, I will read it in-depth when I have some uninterrupted time, and don't have children reading over my shoulder (they are both adopted). I saw the always wanting food part. She probably knows this, but one of the things 2 of my friends did, was to put plates of finger foods out and in the bottom shelf of the fridge (for the cold foods). They were healthy snacks, so the kids wouldn't get fat (which was a very real possibility for one). And the kids could eat whatever, whenever. They both watched the food to make sure it NEVER ran out. Not an easy task, but it helped the kids to realize that the food would never run out. That they would never be hungry. One of the kids, at 18, still has some issues with hunger, but she's Asian, and is built like a model. Her mom assures me that she does NOT starve herself. Says she couldn't if she tried. Because of the hunger issues.

 

As said earlier, I will be reading the blog in depth, and will subscribe to it, if possible, so I can get updates. And I will pray for them. As a family and for their individual needs. What a blessing to those children, to have a forever family! And, what a blessing to the parents, to be able to adopt the children, and work with them, and see the fruits of their labors.

[Denisemomof4]

I follow the blogs of a couple people who have adopted Down syndrome babies from Ukraine. One just came home, but the other has been home a few years and has presented all sorts of problems, including RAD as well as medical issues that impact behavior (e.g., does not feel pain, does not sweat, can't drink liquids, etc.) It is also suspected that she has autism. (They have a bio child with DS and this is a lot more than that.) They are doing the best they can, but some idiots think it is their calling to criticize these folks. As has been explained by some here, you don't treat a RAD child like a normal child. Yet when people treat their RAD child differently, they get accused of not loving the child. (As an adoptive parent, that is the last thing you say to someone who went through the adoption process and went halfway around the world to bring home a child with numerous special needs.)

 

So this summer they decided that this RAD child's issues were causing too much harm to the four kids who do not have RAD. They couldn't go anywhere that wasn't air conditioned, they couldn't be around crowds or anything too stimulating, etc. They sent the child to live with her grandma while the rest of the family does what families do in the summer. (The RAD girl actually likes this deal better because of the one-on-one it gets her.) The blogger mom is ambivalent about whether bringing the child into their family was good for the family. But there is no doubt the little girl is better off than she'd be in an institution. Where she comes from, DS children generally die within a year after being transferred to the "institution" (which occurs about age 4, I believe).

 

I guess what I'm saying is that even if it isn't all roses for some of these kids in the US, how can we judge the parents for trying to do a good thing - for saving a life? How in the world does such judgment help these kids?

 

:hurray::hurray::hurray:

 

I just want to ask...... What good does it do to save the live of one child when the lives of everyone else are ruined? Because all too often the families are absolutely shattered, the marriage is shattered, etc. I have spoken to adult bio kids who resent THEIR childhood and family being ruined for a RAD child.

[Denisemomof4]

Thanks for the links Tara!

 

I am the sister of the family with 6 kids who adopted another 3 in the OP.

 

The boys are home and adjusting really well. Want an update?

 

The oldest was found to be completely deaf. He previously had no communication other than grunts and pointing, but the entire family knows sign (they already had a hoh daughter) and he is learning quickly. A hospital in Boston contacted the family recently asking if he could participate in a cochlear implant study. Parents are weighing the options at this point. Of the three he is he one with the most attachment issues, but we are seeing improvement steadily. He is also the one with the most medical issues, and had to have 7 (maybe 8?) teeth pulled because of plain neglect. The poor kid didn't even know what a toothbrush was and he literally Jumped into the dentist chair for his second round of tooth extractions and pointed to the ones he wanted to have taken out. He must have been in extreme pain. Tragic really.

 

The middle boy is a language whiz. In the few months that he has been home he has come to understand English almost perfectly, and is learning to read. It has been fun to watch him absorb everything so quickly. Lightbulbs are hot. Worms don't bite. Toilets flush. Airplanes fly. Food is always available. A says /a/. It is all new and exciting.

 

The youngest boy is a tiny love. He has had a lot of nutrition problems, and some parasites to deal with, but he is getting healthier every day. He needs a lot of cuddle time with mom - who can blame him. I love watching him learn to pump his feet on the swing and which direction to push the broom.

 

They are a big family, yes, but God has gifted every single one of them with the amazing power to handle the chaos gracefully.

 

Not everyone is called to be a mom to many. Personally, I would hate to be a gardener (ick), but that is my choice. This family chose a road that many people don't want to take, and they are loving every step. It it sometimes hard? Sure! The best things in life are hard, but the effort is worth it.

 

Photos here for the curious.

 

I am so happy to hear things are going well for this family. I am also glad to have matured enough not to get angry at these stories and wonder why not us. Instead, I am so glad that I can just be happy for the successes of others.

 

I am also happy that dh and I are strong enough now not to allow our RAD to tear the rest of the family, and our marriage, apart. Although some here actually take offense to that..... Which is a joke.

[Plink]

:grouphug: Denise :grouphug:

 

Your adoption experience has been just plain awful.

 

I guess the point of this whole thing is - don't assume. Just because one person has a great experience, don't assume that adoption is right for everyone. Similarly, just because one person has a bad experience, don't assume that adoption is wrong for everyone. Judgements should be made by each family for their own circumstances. The rest of us get to smile, nod, and make our own choices too.

[Denisemomof4]

:grouphug: Denise :grouphug:

 

Your adoption experience has been just plain awful.

 

I guess the point of this whole thing is - don't assume. Just because one person has a great experience, don't assume that adoption is right for everyone. Similarly, just because one person has a bad experience, don't assume that adoption is wrong for everyone. Judgements should be made by each family for their own circumstances. The rest of us get to smile, nod, and make our own choices too.

 

This is absolutely right, BUT, we each speak from our own experiences. Because of my experience, I have a different opinion than you do.

 

I couldn't be happier for the outcome your family is experiencing so far. There is, however, a much higher statistical chance of having difficulties with older child or older children adoptions, so I just can't keep my voice quiet. I was also tolf multiple placements statistically were far more difficult. There are, however, families like your sisters who do beat the odds.

 

 

I would NEVER wish for a different outcome for your sister's family or anyone elses. Unfortunately, the world is filled with families like mine - both from older child adoption AND younger child adoption. Hopefully one day there will be a better way of healing these kids. Hopefully there will be help and support for the parents. I personally know several adopted kids, now adults, who remained in weekly therapy until 18 and were never able to heal.

Edited August 3, 2012 by Denisemomof4

[SKL]

:hurray::hurray::hurray:

 

I just want to ask...... What good does it do to save the live of one child when the lives of everyone else are ruined? Because all too often the families are absolutely shattered, the marriage is shattered, etc. I have spoken to adult bio kids who resent THEIR childhood and family being ruined for a RAD child.

 

Just read an update that the parents / grandma mutually decided that the little girl should stay with Granny for the school year as well. It really seems to be the best for all involved, including (or especially) the little girl. Very hard work for the granny, but what a blessing that she's able and willing to take it on. Also, it's a blessing to this girl that she lives in a place where there are free services available to all special needs kids, with the goal to help them meet their God-given potential, whatever that is. It's not perfect, but it's a far cry from what her birth country offers.

 

Sometimes things just don't work out like they "should." It took the adoptive parents years to figure out that they could not give this child what she really needs (which is, frankly, to be an only child, at least until she works through a lot of stuff). What a hard thing to discover and admit.

[Haiku]

I just want to ask...... What good does it do to save the live of one child when the lives of everyone else are ruined?

 

I personally know several adopted kids, now adults, who remained in weekly therapy until 18 and were never able to heal.

 

Denise, I do understand where you are coming from. You know that we have had a very difficult journey with our child. My RAD child is 18 now, and things are different for us. I'm not sure she will ever be full healed, or "normal" emotionally, or whatever, but things are better.

 

I do feel for kids whose lives have been made difficult/awful by siblings with huge difficulties. That has been a major concern for me with my two younger kids.

 

I guess all I can say is, at least we are all in a place where there is at least the hope of seeking help and improving. Even adults who have never fully healed from their childhood trauma have better prospects here than in institutions overseas, and adult siblings of these kids have the possibility of counseling to help them deal with their past difficulties. I'm not trying to dismiss your concerns. I share them in my own family.

 

Tara

[HejKatt]

...

If anyone is interested in knowing more about what life is like for institutionalized disabled children in Eastern Europe, I would encourage you to watch the following:

 

 

 

I don't know what to say, Tara. In a sense, I want to thank you for these links because they awakened a sense of urgency and compulsion to do what is right. James 1:27 from the Bible ( Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.) never rang out so clearly as when I watched the videos.

 

On the other hand, I also want to sit and cry. While searching for more documentaries by the same director (Kate Blewett), I found this link:

http://truevisiontv.com/shop

 

One of their videos was about orphanages in China, called the Dying Rooms. They were more horrific than Bulgaria's, in fact they were downright hellish. I can't say any more.. I just grieve and pray for these children.

http://www.taliacarner.com/thedyingroomsspecialreport.html

 

ETA - There is a silver lining. One of the searches on Bulgaria's Abandoned Children came up with this page, which talks about the follow-up film and thankfully the children are now in better conditions.

http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/bulgaria-abandoned-children-revisited/

[kolamum]

FWIW, I former Reece's employee/volunteer spoke out against the company for some ick they do/did. I was so sad to learn about it.

[zimom]

.....

[Plink]

FWIW, I former Reece's employee/volunteer spoke out against the company for some ick they do/did. I was so sad to learn about it.

 

Kendra, what kind of "ick" were they talking about? Do you have a link?

 

So far what I have seen from RR is a lot of support for adoptive families, but nothing is ever completely black or white.

[pfamilygal]

Exactly why adoption is not on our radar for now.

 

We would have loved a large family, but 4 c/s's cost me my womb and we only have 6.

 

But if we adopt, it will be later, when my kids are much older. I owe it to the children who already call me "mama."