dreading the holidays more than usual

[Hoggirl]

I am an only child. I have virtually no family. My parents died before I was married when I was 24 years old. We spend Thanksgiving and Christmas (well, not Christmas proper but the weekend prior) with my husband's family. I get along well with all of them but my f-i-l, who is extremely difficult to be around. I dread being around him. He sucks the life out of me. I know I can't change him; I can only change the way I react to him. After 23 years of dealing with him, I am sick of it. However, there is no reason not to spend the holidays with dh's family as there is nowhere on my side to go. I think husbands have it so much easier in this way b/c no one thinks a thing about a daughter visiting her parents and the husband not going, but the same is not true for a son visiting his parents without the wife, kwim? I would just look like a *itch if I said I would prefer to stay home alone.

 

Additionally, I fear this year is going to be extra hard. Both of my parents were murdered in their home in conjunction with a robbery on December 13th, 1988. Until late this summer, ds had simply been told they "died in an accident" with no elaboration. He never asked, but I decided to tell him the truth this past August. He is 14. So, in previous years, though I have grieved some, I have really not been able to fully do so for ds's sake. Now, I feel like I have that freedom, but I have no idea how I am going to react to that freedom. I am generally not a crier. I'm not a "stuffer" either, but I am just not one of those women who are weepy. I did have some counseling for a couple of months after my parents died. The psychologist basically dismissed me after that time saying that I had "good defense mechanisms" - whatever that means.

 

I just have this resentment about always having to spend every holiday with dh's family. Probably mostly because I have such a hard time with my f-i-l, but also just because I have to. I get so tired of listening to friends complain because they have SO much family they have to go see and how they have to divide their time up between two sets of parents, siblings, etc. What a problem to have!! The timing of the deaths of my parents and the circumstances of how they died is just a lot to handle.

 

Sorry. I just needed to get my angst about this holiday season out there. I don't want to be Miss Pity Party throughout the Thanksgiving/Christmas season. I want my dh and ds to have a good holiday season. I want to set a good example for my son in dealing with my difficult f-i-l. But, honestly, right now I wish I could just stay home alone.

 

Please share any wisdom/coping you have. And thanks for "listening." I am grateful for this wise and compassionate forum.

[photomo]

no wisdom to share but I just wanted to send hugs :grouphug:

and prayers to you.

[JudoMom]

I am an only child. I have virtually no family. My parents died before I was married when I was 24 years old. We spend Thanksgiving and Christmas (well, not Christmas proper but the weekend prior) with my husband's family. I get along well with all of them but my f-i-l, who is extremely difficult to be around. I dread being around him. He sucks the life out of me. I know I can't change him; I can only change the way I react to him. After 23 years of dealing with him, I am sick of it. However, there is no reason not to spend the holidays with dh's family as there is nowhere on my side to go. I think husbands have it so much easier in this way b/c no one thinks a thing about a daughter visiting her parents and the husband not going, but the same is not true for a son visiting his parents without the wife, kwim? I would just look like a *itch if I said I would prefer to stay home alone.

 

Additionally, I fear this year is going to be extra hard. Both of my parents were murdered in their home in conjunction with a robbery on December 13th, 1988. Until late this summer, ds had simply been told they "died in an accident" with no elaboration. He never asked, but I decided to tell him the truth this past August. He is 14. So, in previous years, though I have grieved some, I have really not been able to fully do so for ds's sake. Now, I feel like I have that freedom, but I have no idea how I am going to react to that freedom. I am generally not a crier. I'm not a "stuffer" either, but I am just not one of those women who are weepy. I did have some counseling for a couple of months after my parents died. The psychologist basically dismissed me after that time saying that I had "good defense mechanisms" - whatever that means.

 

I just have this resentment about always having to spend every holiday with dh's family. Probably mostly because I have such a hard time with my f-i-l, but also just because I have to. I get so tired of listening to friends complain because they have SO much family they have to go see and how they have to divide their time up between two sets of parents, siblings, etc. What a problem to have!! The timing of the deaths of my parents and the circumstances of how they died is just a lot to handle.

 

Sorry. I just needed to get my angst about this holiday season out there. I don't want to be Miss Pity Party throughout the Thanksgiving/Christmas season. I want my dh and ds to have a good holiday season. I want to set a good example for my son in dealing with my difficult f-i-l. But, honestly, right now I wish I could just stay home alone.

 

Please share any wisdom/coping you have. And thanks for "listening." I am grateful for this wise and compassionate forum.

 

I am so sorry :grouphug:.

 

Can you talk to your dh and explain how you're feeling? Is there anyway you could stay home just this year? Could you just do TG with your in-laws and do a quiet family Christmas at home?

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I'm sorry for what happened to your parents. That is an absolutely horrible memory to have around the holidays.

 

FWIW, I can't take being around my MIL, and I often make an excuse not to attend holiday events where she will be. I don't even care what anyone else thinks. I don't need to spend time around people who make me miserable. I think you should take some time for yourself this holiday season.

[Sugarfoot]

I replied to your other thread, Sorry!

 

Sometimes, certain visits totally stress me out, too. I like to plan something to look forward to for right after those types of visits so that I'm thinking about that. It may not be the best way to deal with it, but it works for me.;)

 

Cruises are nice during the holidays, as well...:D

 

So sorry about your parents. I can't imagine carrying that through life. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[HistoryMom]

I'm so sorry for this. So painful...

 

Is it an option to just stay home and decline the invitation? When we're having a difficult year, sometimes we just tell all family that we're going to stick close to home and do the holidays with just us and the kids. You could make some sort of volunteer commitment for yourself during that time so that you can honestly say that you simply can't go, and DH can go without you if he wants, or even better, he can stay home with you. Or plan a family vacation and take the holidays on the road. It could be an opportunity to incorporate some of the family traditions that you grew up with, to honor your parents and remember them in a positive way.

 

I hope you're able to work it out in a way that feels right for you. You are allowed to have these feelings and you are allowed to run your life in the way that is best for you. You need not sacrifice yourself to soothe other people's unreasonable expectations.

[BigMamaBird]

I'm not one for lying. But could your dh say "I'm sorry she's not here, she's not feeling well this year." Obviously, you're NOT feeling well.:grouphug: Just knowing that you didn't have to go, at least this one year, might make a big difference for the whole season.

[nono]

I think it is perfectly natural to resent always having to go to your in-laws. It does stink* that you have no family to balance it all out! :grouphug:

 

Now, practically speaking, GET SICK THIS YEAR! Just do it. ;) One year off may be just the trick to make it all seem better.

 

 

*to put it mildy!

[hmvaughan4]

I have no advice, but I'm so sorry for your loss.

[justamouse]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Pam L in Mid Tenn]

A whole different set of circumstances, but for many years we spent every holiday with my inlaws too. I even "had" to go when I was "really" sick. I remember driving 8 hours with a migraine one time. I was really resentful that year! But, most times I would take some books and magzines to read. I would be "social" for a few hours then find a comfy chair, a cup of tea,and my reading. Eventually, I even looked forward to the "vacation."

:grouphug:

 

Edited to add: I did not actually DRIVE with the migraine...but I RODE in the van while dh did the driving. :)

Edited October 20, 2011 by Pam L in Mid Tenn
addiing

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:Cynthia:grouphug:

 

You might consider spending the holiday in your home or on a real vacation somewhere to nurture you own family.

 

fwiw, I decided a few years ago not to drive to dh's home and have a quiet Christmas at home. It's peaceful and so much less stressful. I did invite the in-laws here, but they figured we should come up there. (My fil passed away this year, and I'm hoping for the best.) In-laws can be hard.:grouphug:

 

I wish you a peaceful season.

[mazakaal]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry.

 

Can you plan a family trip away for Christmas week? Spending Thanksgiving with the in-laws may not feel so bad if you know you'll get a break at Christmas. Explain to dh how you feel and ask if you all can go away, or maybe you can go for a weekend away on your own the weekend that your dh and ds go to the in-laws. Would your dh be able to explain that you really wanted some time away, a break. He wouldn't need to mention that you need a break from f-i-l. ;)

[elegantlion]

I am sorry for your loss. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I would ask dh to consider making a new family tradition, just your immediate family. Go somewhere nice and enjoy your holiday.

 

I also would consider staying home alone. I've done it for family reunions. I can only take so much of dh's family when they are all together.

 

If you need an excuse use the fact you shared with ds about your parents and need some time alone to grieve.

[Susann]

I am so, so sorry for your loss & can't begin to understand the pain you must feel. May I suggest that you tell your dh that you just need to take a pass on the family holidays or that he & your ds go without you. I do understand about your fil. I had the exact situation with my mil which was doubly sad because I didn't grow up with a mom & really looked forward to having a mil. I regularily skipped family get togethers. Dh would take dds or go alone. The running joke was who got to be "sick" & stay home with mommy. Mil just so disliked me & dds we really limited exposure. Mil has passed & I don't mind the get togethers now but don't feel required to go. :grouphug:

[Mrs Mungo]

Get yourself some peace and go on vacation. Tell them it was super-cheap to go over Christmas, and you really wanted some time to yourselves this year.

[PentecostalMom]

no wisdom to share but I just wanted to send hugs :grouphug:

and prayers to you.

 

Me too. I will remember to count my blessings!

[Impish]

:grouphug:

Tell your dh you need to stay home this year.

[Catwoman]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I am so very sorry about your parents.

 

What does your dh think about spending the holiday with his family? Will he be sad if he doesn't see them?

 

If he and your ds don't want to go, either, I'm all in favor of the "we all woke up this morning as sick as dogs" excuse. Then plan to visit them another day.

 

If you're home with your dh and ds, it will be a lot easier to center the day on making it great for your own little family, and to remember that your parents would have wanted you to be happy and to try to think of the happy times, not about the horrible details of their deaths.

 

My MIL passed away years ago, but dh's entire extended family gets together on Christmas Eve AND Christmas... and we stay home. No long drives, no traffic, no getting dressed to the nines, no stress.

[Jen in PA]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry.

 

Can you plan a family trip away for Christmas week? Spending Thanksgiving with the in-laws may not feel so bad if you know you'll get a break at Christmas. Explain to dh how you feel and ask if you all can go away, or maybe you can go for a weekend away on your own the weekend that your dh and ds go to the in-laws. Would your dh be able to explain that you really wanted some time away, a break. He wouldn't need to mention that you need a break from f-i-l. ;)

 

This is what I was going to suggest. This way the in-laws have a holiday with your DH, but after November you are free to do your own thing.

[Happy]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry.

 

Can you plan a family trip away for Christmas week? Spending Thanksgiving with the in-laws may not feel so bad if you know you'll get a break at Christmas. Explain to dh how you feel and ask if you all can go away, or maybe you can go for a weekend away on your own the weekend that your dh and ds go to the in-laws. Would your dh be able to explain that you really wanted some time away, a break. He wouldn't need to mention that you need a break from f-i-l. ;)

 

I was going to suggest this. Although your parent's deaths were traumatic, my parents were taken by cancer. My dad while I was in my mid 20s and my mom when I was 37. My kids were small and none of my extended family seemed to remember we existed. It was SO HARD.

 

I love my dh's family. They only get together at Thanksgiving...actually on the Friday, Saturday, and Sunday after Thanksgiving. We call it ThanksMas and celebrate Christmas together. Then each son (six of them) celebrates Christmas with his wife's family...except for us since I don't have family.

 

I recommend new traditions. Perhaps a short, fun trip for your family. I know folks who stay overnight in a hotel as a part of their Christmas fun. Our boys are grown now and we are taking a ski trip the first week of January. If I could do it on Christmas I would--just couldn't make all the moving parts fit there this year.

 

Be true to your heart and your needs this season. Be kind to you.

[MariannNOVA]

I am so sorry for your loss, and I think the way you feel is perfectly understandable, and even if no one else understands it, your feelings are your feelings and they should be validated and respected.:grouphug:

 

My suggestion is that you and your dh and your dc sit and have a fun talk about starting a holiday tradition of your own THIS YEAR! Beginning with Thanksgiving. Stay home, go away, stay home for the holiday or leave that night or the next morning -- you all decide what you all want to do and do it. You may find it very freeing.

 

Please let us know how it all works out.:grouphug:

[Hoggirl]

I should clarify: we are NOT with dh's family on the *actual* date of Christmas Eve/Christmas. This year we are going the Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday before. Dh put his foot down when ds was four years old and said that we would no longer travel on Christmas proper.

 

We are already committed to going this year. Have it all worked out with s-i-l and her family and when they could do it. While I very much like the idea of "getting sick," I am a TERRIBLE liar, and I don't want ds witnessing my lying just so I don't have to put up with f-i-l.

 

Honestly, there is no reason why this year should be any different than any other year. I always dread the holidays to some extent. Yet, somehow there is something different about ds knowing now. I cannot articulate why. I just anticipate this year being more challenging for me. It's odd, b/c I felt like once I told ds I would have this sense of being liberated. I do to some extent, but it's not like I have told anyone else since I told him. It's just not something that comes up in casual conversation, kwim? And, I have been so mum about it for so long. I really don't have a true sense of who knows and who doesn't know among my friends here. Some I have shared with, but it has had to be a "secret" for the protection of ds for so long, that I have not told very many friends here at all, and I have been very judicious about whom I have told. I figured the fewer people who knew, the safer my secret was. Please understand this was ONLY to protect ds. At any rate, we are going this year. It would probably devastate my mother-in-law if we didn't. And, I do want to see my s-i-l and her family. One year we got a new dog close to Christmas time and we couldn't get her in to be boarded. So dh and ds went to visit his family without me. I LOVED it. I was not lonely at all. Sometimes I think I am more lonely when I am with them.

 

I can, however, embrace the idea of a trip after the holidays. Maybe just me, myself, and I and a few old high school girlfriends. That would definitely give me something to look forward to.

 

Thank you for your sympathy and support. I just needed it today.

[MinivanMom]

:grouphug:

I'm so sorry.

 

I think you are dealing with two separate issues here, though. On the one hand you lost your family during the holidays and have to deal with the anniversary of that loss. On the other hand you have in-laws who are dominating the holidays. You are not obligated to spend every holiday with them just because your parents are deceased. Why can't you just decline and start developing holiday traditions with your own family? Ship some gifts to your in-laws, stay home, and enjoy your husband and son.

 

I also don't have much family, although I do have a younger sister and brother. We don't spend holidays together, though. Younger sister does her own holidays with her dh and kids. Younger brother is only 20 and likes to spend holidays with the family of his best friend (who informally adopted them after our mother died). We're old enough to grow into our families and lives and we've all embraced that. It would be easy to look back with sorrow to what we are missing from our family of origin, but it's better for us to look forward to the lives and traditions we are creating for our own children. Easier said than done, but that's what we strive for.

 

Dh has never let his family dominate us or all the holidays just because my lack of parents provides an opportunity to be boundary-less. He has firmly carved out space for our own family to develop traditions and I'm very appreciative of that. You, your husband, and son are a family. Embrace that.

[MariannNOVA]

Sometimes I think I am more lonely when I am with them.

 

 

 

 

I always feel that way around ils. I began limiting my time with them especially around the holidays a few years ago. Now, I send dh with the kids and I stay behind -- either in VA (they are in NJ) or at my sister's house in NJ. Frankly, I think everyone has a better time (including me) --

[MinivanMom]

Honestly, there is no reason why this year should be any different than any other year. I always dread the holidays to some extent. Yet, somehow there is something different about ds knowing now. I cannot articulate why. I just anticipate this year being more challenging for me. It's odd, b/c I felt like once I told ds I would have this sense of being liberated. I do to some extent, but it's not like I have told anyone else since I told him. It's just not something that comes up in casual conversation, kwim? And, I have been so mum about it for so long.Thank you for your sympathy and support. I just needed it today.

 

That makes complete sense. It's okay for this year to be harder than other years. Mourning doesn't happen all at once. It isn't a perfect 5 stages of grief. I think it's okay to give yourself permission to mourn this year. I think it's even okay for you to not see the in-laws at all this year, regardless of how mil would feel. I assume your in-laws know about what happened to your parents and should be able to sympathize with the fact that ds now knows and that this is just a particularly hard year for you. Don't go if it's going to be too hard on you emotionally. Be kind to yourself.

[JudoMom]

I should clarify: we are NOT with dh's family on the *actual* date of Christmas Eve/Christmas. This year we are going the Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday before. Dh put his foot down when ds was four years old and said that we would no longer travel on Christmas proper.

 

We are already committed to going this year. Have it all worked out with s-i-l and her family and when they could do it. While I very much like the idea of "getting sick," I am a TERRIBLE liar, and I don't want ds witnessing my lying just so I don't have to put up with f-i-l.

 

Honestly, there is no reason why this year should be any different than any other year. I always dread the holidays to some extent. Yet, somehow there is something different about ds knowing now. I cannot articulate why. I just anticipate this year being more challenging for me. It's odd, b/c I felt like once I told ds I would have this sense of being liberated. I do to some extent, but it's not like I have told anyone else since I told him. It's just not something that comes up in casual conversation, kwim? And, I have been so mum about it for so long. I really don't have a true sense of who knows and who doesn't know among my friends here. Some I have shared with, but it has had to be a "secret" for the protection of ds for so long, that I have not told very many friends here at all, and I have been very judicious about whom I have told. I figured the fewer people who knew, the safer my secret was. Please understand this was ONLY to protect ds. At any rate, we are going this year. It would probably devastate my mother-in-law if we didn't. And, I do want to see my s-i-l and her family. One year we got a new dog close to Christmas time and we couldn't get her in to be boarded. So dh and ds went to visit his family without me. I LOVED it. I was not lonely at all. Sometimes I think I am more lonely when I am with them.

 

I can, however, embrace the idea of a trip after the holidays. Maybe just me, myself, and I and a few old high school girlfriends. That would definitely give me something to look forward to.

 

Thank you for your sympathy and support. I just needed it today.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[HS Mom in NC]

Telling your son

 

I think your son will not react as strongly because he never personally knew them. The close bond you had with them is very different. I suspect any reaction he has will be to the pain he can figure out it caused you. It's OK to be very upset about it when you tell him-it would be weird if it didn't upset you. That's OK. He'll get through it and so will you. You've gotten though it for a long time now. Sooner rather than later is probably better because it will give you and him time to emotionally recover a bit before the holidays.

 

Seeing the in-laws

Can you shorten the visit? I would never even consider a 3 day long visit with relatives I like. I would never consider staying with relatives either. If I don't have my own hotel room and my own wheels, I don't go-ever.

 

Can you just go for 1 day and get it all over with?

 

If you decide to go for 3 days, can you pop in and out? I mean gather with the in-laws for a few hours (lunch or dinner) one day. Then the next day gather for a few hours for a gift exchange and cookies and cocoa. Then the last day have a big brunch and go on an outdoor activity together? That kind of thing.

 

When you're not with the in-laws see the sights in the area. Have time together as a family of 3. Go with SIL and her family to another activity after you all have been with MIL and FIL earlier that day for a several hours. Can all the women folk go do something girly together and leave the husband and son with FIL?

 

Can you opt out? Why not go and make some new special traditions with your family? Can you turn the holidays into a positive time remembering your parents? I'm just brain storming here:

 

Remaking Christmas time

 

1.Go rent a cabin in the woods for the three of you and play in the snow. Cut down a tree in the woods together and decorate it. Read literature aloud around the fire in the evenings.

 

2. Have a Favorite Christmas Memory time where each of the three of you talks about your favorite holiday memories and record or compile them in some way together.

 

3. Make handmade ornaments in honor of the three of you and in memory of your loved ones no longer with you-especially your parents. Maybe you could write something on a store bought ornament with a glitter pen or a permanent marker or make a handmade one that symbolizes a happy, loving memory of them. Put individual or family photos on ornaments.

 

4. Take a cruise somewhere and enjoy the festivities.

 

5. Travel somewhere you've always wanted to go.

 

6. See the sights your area is known for but you've never had the time to see them.

[Forget-Me-Not]

:grouphug:

[Cassy]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry, that sounds really tough.

 

I also have no other family, and have spent many years either going to my in-laws for Christmas or having them here - that is actual Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day. My problem was that I felt that DH's brother and his women (ex-wife and now new wife) were able to do what they wanted most years, and often messed everyone about.

 

Last year BIL and family were due to spend Christmas with MIL and FIL and so I begged DH to let me have a year off. BIL actually phoned me inviting himself, his new wife and daughters here again for the third year on the run. I refused. Then I got a horrible letter from MIL telling me how I was letting everyone down. The trouble BIL and MIL caused over the entire Christmas period, with constant phone calls and attempts to invite themselves here, was horrendous. Up until then I'd been the meek, compliant DIL who'd bent over backwards to keep everyone happy, and suddenly I became a *itch from hell over night.

 

So now I'm very happy to send DH to his parents with the children without me. If I'm a total *itch, then I'm a very happy one :D. I have lovely weekends alone enjoying the peace and quiet I so often crave. I really don't care what any of them think of me anymore.

 

Having said all that, BIL and his family will be away this Christmas, so I've relented and invited MIL and FIL here. I rather regret it sometimes, but what the heck, it's only a couple of days.

 

All that to say, sometimes you've got to look after you, do what you need, and to heck with everyone else.

 

:grouphug:

 

Cassy

[nono]

While I very much like the idea of "getting sick," I am a TERRIBLE liar, and I don't want ds witnessing my lying just so I don't have to put up with f-i-l.

 

I find that an abundance of cookies and 1/2 a bottle of wine skips the necessity for lying. ;) Just a note for future reference. :tongue_smilie:

 

:grouphug:

[Hoggirl]

Telling your son

 

I think your son will not react as strongly because he never personally knew them. The close bond you had with them is very different. I suspect any reaction he has will be to the pain he can figure out it caused you. It's OK to be very upset about it when you tell him-it would be weird if it didn't upset you. That's OK. He'll get through it and so will you. You've gotten though it for a long time now. Sooner rather than later is probably better because it will give you and him time to emotionally recover a bit before the holidays.

 

Seeing the in-laws

Can you shorten the visit? I would never even consider a 3 day long visit with relatives I like. I would never consider staying with relatives either. If I don't have my own hotel room and my own wheels, I don't go-ever.

 

Can you just go for 1 day and get it all over with?

 

If you decide to go for 3 days, can you pop in and out? I mean gather with the in-laws for a few hours (lunch or dinner) one day. Then the next day gather for a few hours for a gift exchange and cookies and cocoa. Then the last day have a big brunch and go on an outdoor activity together? That kind of thing.

 

When you're not with the in-laws see the sights in the area. Have time together as a family of 3. Go with SIL and her family to another activity after you all have been with MIL and FIL earlier that day for a several hours. Can all the women folk go do something girly together and leave the husband and son with FIL?

 

Can you opt out? Why not go and make some new special traditions with your family? Can you turn the holidays into a positive time remembering your parents? I'm just brain storming here:

 

Remaking Christmas time

 

1.Go rent a cabin in the woods for the three of you and play in the snow. Cut down a tree in the woods together and decorate it. Read literature aloud around the fire in the evenings.

 

2. Have a Favorite Christmas Memory time where each of the three of you talks about your favorite holiday memories and record or compile them in some way together.

 

3. Make handmade ornaments in honor of the three of you and in memory of your loved ones no longer with you-especially your parents. Maybe you could write something on a store bought ornament with a glitter pen or a permanent marker or make a handmade one that symbolizes a happy, loving memory of them. Put individual or family photos on ornaments.

 

4. Take a cruise somewhere and enjoy the festivities.

 

5. Travel somewhere you've always wanted to go.

 

6. See the sights your area is known for but you've never had the time to see them.

 

I have already told ds. I told him this summer.

 

I do appreciate all your your ideas. Unfortunately, these would have been good to implement 23 years ago when they first died. Now, spending time with the in-laws *is* our tradition. When my parents first died we always spent Thanksgiving with my aunt (my mom's sister) and uncle, but then they passed away, too.

 

A family vacation time sounds lovely, but I don't want to take ds away from his only grandparents. We do stay with them (it will be two nights) in their home.

 

However, I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Ds is a sophomore now, and I imagine after he is in college might be a good time to start some "new" traditions. I will having standing to not have to share so much, since *I* will also not have seen him in awhile. Though we see the in-laws 6 - 8 times a year anyway. They live about three and a half hours away.

 

I am sure m-i-l does not know how I feel. I "fake" it pretty well - I've had to out of necessity.

[Hoggirl]

I find that an abundance of cookies and 1/2 a bottle of wine skips the necessity for lying. ;) Just a note for future reference. :tongue_smilie:

 

:grouphug:

 

Good advice. I do have to say that I take my "brother" Jack (Jack Daniels, that is) every time I go to visit the in-laws. In fact, it is so well-known among our friends that if I mention to the director of children's ministries at our church that we are going to see the in-laws, she always asks, "Oh. Is Jack going, too?" :D

 

The sad part is that there is no love lost between f-i-l and me. I am sure he would be just as happy not seeing me as I would be not seeing him! But my m-i-l is a dear, and I do enjoy her. It's not her fault she is married to a ______. Your word of choice.

[HS Mom in NC]

Just because it's been the tradition for so long does not mean it has to continue to be the tradition. Your in-laws aren't entitled to the same type of Christmas every year. It can all change this year if you want. It can change some. Nothing is set in stone. You're under no obligation to do the same thing every year until your son goes to college.

 

Your in-laws' worlds will not come crashing down (in spite of what anyone may claim) if you skip Christmas with them this year. You're not responsible for their reactions if you choose to go somewhere else or do something else. If they get upset about it then it's a failure on their part-not on yours.

 

Lots of in-laws expect things to be different from year to year based on the plans of their relatives. Your in-laws can adapt to this thinking-or they can sit and pout. You're not ending a relationship with grandparents if you skip a holiday-especially when you see them frequently throughout the year. Your son isn't being "taken away from them." He'll see them again later in the year. It's only a day trip away-you can easily see them any time.

 

It's not all or nothing.

[Mommy22alyns]

I'm really sorry for your loss and the additional burden you've had to share with your son. :grouphug:

 

I am estranged from my dad and not super close with my mom, so we've spent every Christmas with MIL since before we were married. I'm beginning to resent it too.

[Hoggirl]

Just because it's been the tradition for so long does not mean it has to continue to be the tradition. Your in-laws aren't entitled to the same type of Christmas every year. It can all change this year if you want. It can change some. Nothing is set in stone. You're under no obligation to do the same thing every year until your son goes to college.

 

Your in-laws' worlds will not come crashing down (in spite of what anyone may claim) if you skip Christmas with them this year. You're not responsible for their reactions if you choose to go somewhere else or do something else. If they get upset about it then it's a failure on their part-not on yours.

 

Lots of in-laws expect things to be different from year to year based on the plans of their relatives. Your in-laws can adapt to this thinking-or they can sit and pout. You're not ending a relationship with grandparents if you skip a holiday-especially when you see them frequently throughout the year. Your son isn't being "taken away from them." He'll see them again later in the year. It's only a day trip away-you can easily see them any time.

 

It's not all or nothing.

 

You clearly have better boundaries than I do. :(

[jenL]

What a tough burden to carry. I'm so sorry. :grouphug:

 

I agree with other posters about talking to dh and suggesting other alternatives be it travel, staying home and doing a close immediate family holiday, or you just not attending because you don't feel well. When it's this painful, it's fully acceptable to erect boundaries, imho. I hope you are able to find a balance that works for you. :grouphug: