Have you become more cynical as you've aged?

[JumpyTheFrog]

My husband and I have found ourselves becoming increasingly cynical in the last year or two. "I'll believe it when I see it" could be our new motto in many areas. Is this a natural part of moving into the "real world" in your lates 20s or early 30s?

 

Here are some possible explanations for our own lives:

 

-Listening to Clark Howard talk about "customer no-service" and large corporations ripping customers off

 

-Leaving a legalistic church and finding out that one of our friends never viewed us as equals, but as a project.

 

-Finding out that if you question patriarchy and suggest anything remotely egalitarian, people will think the worst of you.

 

-Discovering that very few friends can be counted on when you have a chronic illness.

 

-Trying to find a church in the south that treats women with full equality is tough.

 

-Seeing how many people rely on shallow politcal slogans and are unwilling to question their paradigm.

 

-Learning that there really is a double standard for women. Men who are bossy and controlling are just showing "leadership" while a woman with the same opinion is considered to be a $&@$&, a nag, or domineering.

 

Anyway, I don't go around in a bad mood or anything. It's more like I've seen behind the curtain and find what's back there to be discouraging.

 

Any thoughts? Does this happen to everyone at some point?

[Barb_]

I think I was more cynical in my 30's, but I outgrew it in the same way I outgrew the idealism of my teens and early 20's. I think cynicism can be a byproduct of learning to think independently. Researching has shown that trusting people makes one happier. It's a fine line to walk between trusting and gullibility though, and I think the ability comes with age.

 

Barb

Edited October 3, 2011 by Barb F. PA in AZ

[FrogMom5]

Yes. I'm 47, dh is 50. We became more and more cynical through our 30s & 40s. Maybe it comes with having more negative experiences with the world or maybe just having more experience to draw on when thinking things through, I don't know. But yes, it happens.

Denise

[Barb_]

Maybe it comes with having more negative experiences with the world or maybe just having more experience to draw on when thinking things through, I don't know. But yes, it happens.

Denise

 

:iagree: It takes effort to avoid tipping into bitterness sometimes.

[LibraryLover]

No.

 

History illustrates to me that people are people. We are wonderful and we are terrible.

Edited October 3, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Woodhaven]

I've become more of a realist. More honest with myself. It comes with life experience.

[Parrothead]

In some way and areas, yes. In others, no.

_

[Laurie4b]

I am very cynical politically. I wasn't when young. However, I would say that I honestly believe cynicism is a realistic response to all the political games both parties play. I truly don't believe more than a small percentage of politicians cares more about the common good than they do about winning the game and maintaining power for themselves and for their party.

[JumpyTheFrog]

I think I was more cynical in my 30's, but I outgrew it in the same way I outgrew the idealism of my teens and early 20's.

 

We've had a lot of interesting conversations with a college aged friend. He's still young and idealistic. He wanted to know why we weren't more excited about watching the presidential candidate debates. I explained that we've already been through this a few times and have become cynical about the process.

 

It's really interesting to see how much an extra ten years of life experience can remove a person's youthful idealism (not just politically, but in many areas). I feel a lot older than I did even a year ago. Not physically (my health is actually improving a bunch), but mentally. I'm starting to understand how an elderly person can end up so grouchy about everything.

[JumpyTheFrog]

Barb, you said you outgrew the cynicism of your 30s? Any idea how that happened? Are you now somewhere in between your previous cynicism and idealism?

[FrogMom5]

:iagree: It takes effort to avoid tipping into bitterness sometimes.

 

Yes, this is very true. Turning into cranky elderly people is not good. I think most people just become more realistic about human behavior, good and bad.

Denise

[Cindyg]

Yes.

[Denise in Florida]

Yes, I have become more cynical but oddly it has made me more politically liberal. :lol: I was a conservative republican youth and am now a moderate independent adult.

 

I am less and less black/white and more shades of grey.

 

The more 'absolute' a politician, religious leader, medical doctor is the less credible they are to me. I have seen too many examples of X is the problem Y is the solution. Nope, sorry ... if your religion/politics/health care ideal fits on a bumper sticker, it needs more work.

:lol:

[Perogi]

I am absolutely more cynical now than I was in the past. I've discovered just how cynical as we've recently moved and are meeting new people, looking for a church, etc. Many of my reasons are the same as yours. I often wish I could be "shiny and happy" again but feel that I can't forget what is "behind the curtain".

[sparrow]

I think I was more cynical in my 30's, but I outgrew it in the same way I outgrew the idealism of my teens and early 20's. I think cynicism can be a byproduct of learning to think independently. Researching has shown that trusting people makes one happier. It's a fine line to walk between trusting and gullibility though, and I think the ability comes with age.

 

Barb

 

:iagree:This is me, exactly.

 

I attribute my decrease in cynicism to my parents' failing health :tongue_smilie:. It has truly taught me to appreciate each day and to look for silver linings when it seems there are none. I believe it is an act of self preservation. I simply cannot be troubled by things I have no control over. I have to be the change I want....or I'll be committed :001_smile:.

 

 

ETA: I should add, I'm not a church-goer. *That* could quite possibly make me pretty cynical.

Edited October 3, 2011 by sparrow

[leeannpal]

Yes. I'm 47, dh is 50. We became more and more cynical through our 30s & 40s. Maybe it comes with having more negative experiences with the world or maybe just having more experience to draw on when thinking things through, I don't know. But yes, it happens.

Denise

I prefer to say that I've become more wise about how the world really operates. I suppose this sort of thinking does meet the definition of cynicism, but I do think it is a natural part of growing in wisdom too. Oh, and I meant to say that I am 45 and my husband is 49.

[Barb_]

Barb, you said you outgrew the cynicism of your 30s? Any idea how that happened? Are you now somewhere in between your previous cynicism and idealism?

 

I think it's all in gaining proper perspective. At first, you're going to change the world, and when you are disabused of that notion, I think it's natural to resent the world at large and the people in charge in particular. It's worse than being angry; deep down it can hurt your feelings when you are a victim of others' bad decisions. When my husband lost his job the day he returned from family leave after our sixth child, I thought, "How can I be bringing children into this world when it is so cruel and cold??" I cried for days and I took it very personally.

 

But over time I think a few things happened. The oldest generation began to die off. I almost lost my oldest daughter in a car accident. She survived an entanglement with a sociopath. I almost lost my dad to cancer and MRSA. It got as bad as it could get without tipping into the truly tragic and I think that changed my perspective.

 

Who said, "trust, but verify?" Critical is good, but cynical can poison you. Idealistic is going to set the world on fire, cynical believes it is already on fire. But looking at the world with a kind, but critical eye gives you the best of both viewpoints.

 

Barb

[myfunnybunch]

Is this a natural part of moving into the "real world" in your lates 20s or early 30s?

 

It might be.

 

I skimmed the first bit of your post earlier, then left to run errands. I thought about it on my way. I remember feeling very idealistic in my early twenties. More cynical in my thirties. I grew out of that at some point, but I'm not sure when. I'm in my mid-forties.

 

I've started to come around the circle again to believing in those ideals, but tempered or balanced by a very real understanding of how the world works, why we'll never really reach those ideals, and why it's important to hold on to them and keep trying. I believe in the best and the worst.

 

Hope that makes sense.

 

Now skimming other responses and seeing that I'm not the only one. Interesting. I wonder if this part of human emotional/intellectual development has been addressed or studied.

 

Cat

[Barb_]

It might be.

 

I skimmed the first bit of your post earlier, then left to run errands. I thought about it on my way. I remember feeling very idealistic in my early twenties. More cynical in my thirties. I grew out of that at some point, but I'm not sure when. I'm in my mid-forties.

 

I've started to come around the circle again to believing in those ideals, but tempered or balanced by a very real understanding of how the world works, why we'll never really reach those ideals, and why it's important to hold on to them and keep trying. I believe in the best and the worst.

 

Hope that makes sense.

 

Now skimming other responses and seeing that I'm not the only one. Interesting. I wonder if this part of human emotional/intellectual development has been addressed or studied.

 

Cat

 

I don't know, but studies do show that people, particularly women, report higher levels of contentment across socioeconomic strata as they age into their 40's, 50, and 60's. Then happiness dips again as health fails. They think it's partly related to hormone changes, but I'm sure it also has a lot to do with maturation and the trajectory of self-actualization. I don't believe humans cease to develop once they are no longer children.

[Negin]

Yes.

I've only ever met one elderly person who's not very cynical. Everyone else I know has gotten more cynical as they've gotten older.

Not something I like at all. I think of this often.

[Mama Geek]

I more cynical now that when I was in my 20's. I did just finish reading a book by Dr Laura (whom I figure a lot of people on this forum having major problems with, but I like and have learned a lot from) about stop whining and start living. She talks about how it is possible to change your attitude, just by making up your mind and doing it. I don't usually read books twice but I plan on keeping this one around for when I get into a slump.

[Negin]

nm

[nd293]

I'd agree that I have become more cynical. In my early 30s that came with a fair dose of disappointment and bitterness. I find as I approach / enter my 40s I am more realistic in my expectations of people, and can shrug off disappointments more easily.

[IsabelC]

I think I have become less cynical, although perhaps more skeptical. My early education was pre-internet, so I learnt that one could find definitive answers by looking things up. Nowadays, there are very few sources from which I automatically trust information. I look at how the information was collected, by whom, etc etc and assume that any important issue will have several viewpoints with their own agendas. However, I am more positive when it comes to people. I work on the assumption that the vast majority of people are basically good and kind, doing the best they can in the situation they are in. Sure, the whole system is fubar in many ways, but human nature is still astonishingly altruistic. For every disaster, there are so many people showing courage and humanity instead of just looking out for themselves. And it's the same for the smaller, everyday situations. Even if I just look at this particular online forum, it is awesome how many of you people have taken the time and trouble to give me excellent free advice, with no ulterior motive.

Edited October 3, 2011 by Hotdrink

[Onceuponatime]

. But looking at the world with a kind, but critical eye gives you the best of both viewpoints.

 

Barb

 

This.

 

I think I'm finding balance. Sure things are bad in spots and horrible in others, but there is also so much to be recommended in this world. Yes, buyer be-ware, but also be thankful.

[Lady Florida.]

No, I haven't.

[DawnM]

I have always been a bit cynical and sarcastic, usually in a somewhat humorous way with my IRL friends, but yeah, I have always been a bit cynical.

 

I like to say we are Realists though, you know, down to earth, see all sides of the situation types. I don't think that is a bad thing.

[LaxMom]

I think I was more cynical in my 30's, but I outgrew it in the same way I outgrew the idealism of my teens and early 20's. I think cynicism can be a byproduct of learning to think independently. Researching has shown that trusting people makes one happier. It's a fine line to walk between trusting and gullibility though, and I think the ability comes with age.

 

Barb

 

It might be.

 

I skimmed the first bit of your post earlier, then left to run errands. I thought about it on my way. I remember feeling very idealistic in my early twenties. More cynical in my thirties. I grew out of that at some point, but I'm not sure when. I'm in my mid-forties.

 

I've started to come around the circle again to believing in those ideals, but tempered or balanced by a very real understanding of how the world works, why we'll never really reach those ideals, and why it's important to hold on to them and keep trying. I believe in the best and the worst.

 

Hope that makes sense.

 

Now skimming other responses and seeing that I'm not the only one. Interesting. I wonder if this part of human emotional/intellectual development has been addressed or studied.

 

Cat

Yes, these. I was idealistic in my early 20s, became cynical in my late 20s - early 30s, and have swung back around to my ideals with a firm grip of reality in my late 30s - 40. Now, I'm more concerned with living my ideals in my life than how the world at large is living up to them. I've traded idealism and cynicism for pragmatism.

 

Yes, I have become more cynical but oddly it has made me more politically liberal. :lol: I was a conservative republican youth and am now a moderate independent adult.

 

I am less and less black/white and more shades of grey.

 

The more 'absolute' a politician, religious leader, medical doctor is the less credible they are to me. I have seen too many examples of X is the problem Y is the solution. Nope, sorry ... if your religion/politics/health care ideal fits on a bumper sticker, it needs more work.

:lol:

:lol: Ain't that the truth! I am starting to think anyone who wants to be president/pope/X top leader is suspect just because he wants the job. (Some are, some aren't in reality, but I do feel like each needs to be evaluated on that point.)

[elegantlion]

I'm less cynical about some things, more about others. I'm 44, my dh is 50. I feel very idealistic about my son's life, we discuss his future a lot.

Edited October 3, 2011 by elegantlion

[Heather in Neverland]

I've become more of a realist. More honest with myself. It comes with life experience.

 

:iagree:

[texasmama]

What the OP describes is similar to a process that I went through in my late 20's. After time (and life experiences which broke me), these things became almost a non-issue. I think the 20's are often a period of questioning one's beliefs and "place in the world", which is primarily what you describe. It is natural to experience disillusionment. In time, mine faded to a dull ache, knowing that all people will fail me in some way or another because they are human. It does help a great deal to find the right fit in a church. That has made a big difference for me.

[Jen in PA]

I haven't noticed a change. I have always been an optimistic realist.

[Spryte]

I like Barb's comments on this thread. :) (Sorry, I don't know how to quote multiple posts.) We never stop growing and learning, as humans, and I hope to find more and more balance as I grow older.

 

I have never been what one would call cynical, but did take a dip that direction once my earlier idealism (teens/early 20s) hit some walls. There have been some major tragedies in my life, some big betrayals, and a long-term chronic illness, which took most of my 30s, that also showed DH and me who were our true friends... So, like the OP, we could easily have headed in the more cynical direction.

 

Optimistic realist is a nice way to put it. :) (Thanks for that one, Jen in PA!)

[LaxMom]

What the OP describes is similar to a process that I went through in my late 20's. After time (and life experiences which broke me), these things became almost a non-issue. I think the 20's are often a period of questioning one's beliefs and "place in the world", which is primarily what you describe. It is natural to experience disillusionment. In time, mine faded to a dull ache, knowing that all people will fail me in some way or another because they are human. It does help a great deal to find the right fit in a church. That has made a big difference for me.

 

I think you're right. At each age where one starts to question one's place in the world, beliefs, self definition, etc, there seems to be a tilt toward cynicism. Teens, midlife, post retirement, twighlight years ... Interesting.

[TravelingChris]

No, I haven't. I was a realist as a child, teen, younger adult, and now later middle aged adult.