How to maintain sanity as a mother?

[Stayseeliz]

I have four kids-10, 7, almost 4 and 6 months. For the most part I think I had the 3 kids thing down. Stuff was getting done. We were good. We are THRILLED to have our sweet baby girl here. She is an absolutely blessing. But I am having a HARD time. I literally just feel like I'm trying not to cry half the day. Life is chaos.

 

I wake up and FORCE myself to exercise for 20 minutes. It's the only way I have enough energy to get the day going. I sometimes remember to eat-sometimes not. I get a load of laundry going and we start school. The baby usually wakes up and needs to nurse halfway through school. The 3yo runs wild. I'm hoping to get her some age appropriate activities for her birthday next week so she's not asking for tv, etc during school. I pretty much have to stick with my 7yo during all her schoolwork since she has some learning issues and is doing vision therapy. After school I set the kids to doing their chores and practicing guitar. Laundry, cleaning, checkbook, nursing, vision therapy, grocery shopping, cleaning again, making dinner, etc consume the rest of the day until I fall into bed (if the baby cooperates) and sleep restlessly waiting for the baby to wake up and need to nurse.

 

We have choir and guitar lessons one day a week and a once a week co-op that was supposed to be a drop off co-op for me. I haven't felt comfortable enough with the preschool class to leave yet.

 

I am just so very tired. I am not depressed. I am tired. DH helps as much as he can but he rarely gets home before 7:30 or 8. He has to kill himself working just for us to scrape by. I just don't know where to go from here. I know things will be a little chaotic with a baby in the house but this is just overwhelming. I wake up each morning determined to conquer the day and have a great time doing it then something bad happens I snap and fuss at the kids and everything falls apart after that.

 

I'm struggling with remembering the fun, silly person I used to be. I feel like I don't even know myself anymore. I have a nursing baby so I can't go scrapbooking or out with with the girls much since DH works late. DH and I really have no help so we can go on a date, etc. I'm holding on to baby weight since I'm nursing so I don't even SEE my old self when I look in the mirror.

 

I LOVE my kids. I LOVE my husband. I want to be a mom. I want to be a stay at home, homeschooling mom. I just want to not be exhausted and strung out all the time. What can I do??

[jennsmile]

:grouphug:

[cathmom]

reading your post is like a flashback of my last 7 years!

 

:grouphug:

 

It's just so hard.

[*Inna*]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Been there. Just keep repeating, "It's a phase. Things will change once the baby is older and is sleeping through the night." Hang in there.

[Random]

:grouphug:

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. Just do the best you can.

 

Can you realign your sleep patterns to coincide with the baby's, so you can get more uninterrupted sleep?

 

Sometimes, all we can do is survive, and you're doing it. Life will get much, much better when the baby is sleeping through the night.

 

Do your kids have 'room time' or 'quiet time' during the day? My kids still love listening to audio books in the afternoon for an hour or so. It's very refreshing to have that hour (or two) to myself every day.

 

Are you eating well? Drinking enough water?

 

There is just a whole new level of fatigue that comes with each baby.

[EmmaNZ]

I could have written your post verbatim. Not much advice for you I'm afraid. My baby is now just over a year, so things have improved a little. The only thing I find that helps is to get out for a walk or to the park in the afternoons. On really bad days I lie on the sofa and the kiddies play around me - if nobody needs the toilet I can manage an hour there sometimes!

 

Hang in there. I hope you feel better soon

xxxx

[gardenmom5]

How's your nutrition? do you have yeast overgrowth? gluten sensitivity? one or both can affect how well your body absorbs nutrients and that can leave you exhausted.

 

I had the same thing when #4 - I was exhausted all the time. He really took alot out of me. Wehn I finally got my nutritional needs under control, everything was better.

[Friederike in Persia]

:grouphug:

[Rosie_0801]

Um. I don't think we do. We just hang in there until it comes back.

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Rosie

[LaxMom]

Um. I don't think we do. We just hang in there until it comes back.

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Rosie

 

Yup. At that phase in our lives (15 yo, 4 yo, two 6 mos olds) I shot for something approaching compliance with health and nutrition standards. Sanity and household operation were way far down on the list... Maybe not on it at all. If they were, I'd lost the list anyway so I wouldn't have known.

 

It is a phase. It will change. You always do the best you can. As phases/life seasons change, your "best" changes, too. :grouphug:

[UmMusa]

The first few months with a newborn are tough. On your body, your mind, and on your family. So first of all, hang in there and know it will look better in a few months.

 

Second of all, get your vitamins and iron. I slacked on this and paid for it dearly about 8 months after the birth.

 

Next, try to get yourself settled for "bed" early in the evening. Let your mind and body relax and have a 'nighttime' when you can rest and recuperate. Just b/c your baby is past the first few weeks doesn't mean you still aren't slowly adjusting.

 

 

Can you eliminate any of the activites you listed? Can your older one help you with laundry regularly?

 

I know you don't feel like your old funny, silly, happy self. My DD is nearly 3 yrs old, and the other night I went out with my DH alone. Driving on the highway, music on, I just had tears running out of my eyes because I hadn't felt that way in so long. I wondered out loud "how did I get here"? It's tough on us, having babies and working so hard to raise them. You're doing great, you WILL get over this, and for now I just offer support and maybe the suggestion to cut out anything you don't have to do.

[MamaT]

You are in a very demanding season right now. You have to take it day by day and not worry so much about everything getting done - just do the best you can. Love on your kids and rest when you can. Make macaroni and cheese for dinner. The house will be clean later. :001_smile:

 

I remember when I had 3 kids 2yrs and under and I had to take it day by day - and try to teach my older three something in the middle of the chaos. It was hard. Somehow I managed to make it through - you will too.

 

My advice is not to try to get things done when you have a few minutes - sleep instead.

[mamajudy]

:grouphug: Things will get better. I had a few years like that. We thought we had everything under control when we had 3 kids. And then along came the 4th. God figured we needed the challenge :D. He was different, to say the least.( He's now 16, and an absolute joy -- still very intense, but a great kid!)

Don't worry about the house being clean. Have your older kids help as much as possible, and have easy meals. Your 10 year old can help with that. Sleep when you can. And get the kids to bed at a decent time so that you can relax with your hubby a little in the evening. These years will fly by, and the next thing you know, you'll be sending the kids off to college.

[JessReplanted]

((hugs))

 

What you described sounds exhausting!!

 

I have trouble getting through our Hschool day, and my kids are 8, 5, & 4.

 

For the 3 year old - Can you set aside toys that are special and just for 'school' time? And then rotate them every so often. Also, I have clung to the saving grace of educational videos for the little ones during school time. My girls were learning letter sounds when they were 2 & 1 because of our wonderful friends Leap, Lilly, & Tad. ;)

 

I would also suggest cutting out some extra activities. I don't know if any of those are optional for you, but I know the pressure of trying to get everyone presentable and out the door - it's absolutely exhausting.

 

Also, can you make a schedule with your husband so that you are doing the grocery shopping on the weekends - by yourself? A trip to walmart always seems to suck the life out of our school day, and I know it's even harder with a baby.

 

:grouphug:

[mommymilkies]

I feel your pain. Have you been tested for thyroid problems or thought about PPD being an issue? The thyroid problem might point to why you can't lose weight. That's the only time I have issues while nursing-when my thyroid is low. I would try to relax things a bit for the next few months. What about scheduling in 5 minute blocks of things? The kids can help clean, even while you sit back. Put some music on. I usually use 3 songs and blast it on iTunes. Right now it's Arcade Fire's Wake Up, Handel's Hallelujah Chorus, and a White Stripes song. I switch it up often. As soon as that music starts, it's a race to see how clean we can get the house before the music stops. All of the kids contribute (except the baby!), even if it's going around with a towel and vinegar spray to wipe windows and tables. We go together one room after another. My kids like the racing aspect. If I told them "let's get this clean by bedtime" it won't happen. But a shorter time makes them go turbo speed. We do more in that 10-15 minutes than if I did it by myself with baby over an hour. The 10 and 7 year olds can do dishes. A fly-lady type schedule might help, too. Do the kids have chores? Even if they aren't "chores", they can all help contribute to cooking and cleaning.

 

I also dump all of the clean laundry in the living room once a week or so and everyone picks out their clothes (even my 3 yo) and folds it and puts it away. I figure that at this stage, TV isn't hurting within reason. To me, it's the lesser of 2 evils to throw on Backyardigans so we can do math in peace. I also keep activities like playdoh, paint pens, and tangrams on the table by my 3 yo's seat so she has a variety. She gets her own "work" when we do ours. Even if it's throwing her a pencil and piece of paper and telling her to work along with us. She likes feeling involved and actually is much more cooperative if she's "drawing the Nile" or coloring in a diagram of a cell than if she is playing by herself.

 

Dinner-go on survival mode. Pick only super easy things that are quick. Spaghetti, pancakes (my 9 yo is a master pancake maker), sandwiches, crockpot, etc. All of these can be done quickly and cheaply. I actually do spelling with my oldest kids while I make lunch.

 

I have had to give up my perfectionist OCD personality in this, but I have gladly traded a super clean house for a little more sanity at the end of the night.

 

Do you have a baby carrier? I nurse standing up while doing math usually. I have a hurt back, but after about 6 different carriers, I found one that works.

 

And you need to eat! No wonder you are tired. What about making or buying some granola bars and just keeping them by the homeschool materials. Then you have no excuse. It's at least something. Do you make breakfast for the kids? Mine tend to fend for themselves some mornings when we are busy. On those days, I ask one of them to make me some toast. They like to feed Mom, so it works out. :lol:

[Liza Lee]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Been there. Just keep repeating, "It's a phase. Things will change once the baby is older and is sleeping through the night." Hang in there.

 

:iagree:

 

When my youngest child was six months old, the others were 2, 5, 7, & 9.

 

I don't remember much from my life then. I was ALWAYS tired. All you can do is survive. It gets better when the baby starts sleeping through the night. I gets much better when the baby is potty-trained. When the "baby" is reading, life is pretty peachy. :D

 

Editing to add: Life gets much better when the oldest is old enough to babysit. Then you can run errands without dragging them all out of the house. I got SO TIRED of having to get everybody ready and out the door just because I needed to go to the post office or the dry cleaners.

Edited October 1, 2011 by Liza Lee

[2squared]

When my youngest child was six months old, the others were 2, 5, 7, & 9.

 

I don't remember much from my life then. I was ALWAYS tired. All you can do is survive. It gets better when the baby starts sleeping through the night.

 

This made me feel better about my current season in life. My dc are very similarly spaced to yours. I now have evidence that I will survive. I can keep up with everything if I am constantly in motion all.day.long. Which reminds me that I am getting behind right now....

 

:grouphug: to the OP. Your post sounds just like me about 9 months ago. Life was more than overwhelming for that season.

[m0mmaBuck]

Can you have your kids all take some "down time" at the same time so that you yourself can have a few moments reprieve during the day? Even if the olders are just in their rooms playing or reading while the baby naps and Mom enjoys a cup of tea or flips through a magazine in silence, that may make a big difference for you.

 

Like others have mentioned, are there any extra-curriculars you can drop? I know this is hard sometimes. I have not taken my own advice here BUT perhaps you could drop something or have a friend take the older children where they need to go once in a while. For instance, my neighbor and I switch off taking our kids to AWANAS on Weds and just knowing that at least 2 nights/wk that is one thing off my plate is a blessing.

 

Get the 3yo a bin of "school only" toys. For DD, we had a set of Littlest Pet Shop stuff that she was only allowed to play with during school. A special bin/bag of coloring books, stickers, etc. that are only for school time helped too. My First Leap Pad was always our friend.

 

When the baby needs to nurse, could you stop the seat work and do a readaloud? Or have some items that the others could work on independently? Have them make letters with playdoh or put in an educational DVD? (I keep a stash of age appropriate science DVDs on hand--Bill Nye, Eyewitness, Leap Frog, or Schlessinger for this purpose.)

 

What time do your kids go to bed? Could you roll their bedtime back so that you had a few hours to relax in the evening? Maybe even scrapbook or workout or just stare at the wall?

[justamouse]

Honestly, you need to put things on hold and get YOURSELF in order. If YOU are not strong, it all falls apart.

 

Start eating. You have to. You cannot not eat.

 

Take your vitamins. Have your iron checked. Your description of yourself is me, without iron. Bone, dead, tired is what anemia feels like. I need at least three vits of iron a week.

 

You need to sleep well. They don't need much schooling now, so a family naptime isn't going to take a way a biology lab, ya know?

 

If you look at the ages of my kids, you can see I did what you are doing. I forget much of those years, but to survive, you need to take care of yourself.

 

And, as they get older, it WILL come back. :grouphug:

[Impish]

Simplify, simplify, simplify as much as humanly possible.

 

Institute Quiet Time every day.

 

Make best friends with your crock pot.

 

Pump a bottle or two, and ask your dh to take a night shift while you sleep elsewhere in the house so you can get some solid sleep. Princess was my worst (to date) sleeper, and after 4 or 5 mths of broken sleep, I gave Wolf a bottle and went and slept in the basement. Made a *huge* difference in me the next day. Wolf was our sole income too, but he could still take a night shift Fri or Sat.

[Stayseeliz]

I think I tried to throw in too many activities during the week. I was on bedrest for 2 months in the spring and I think I just added too many activities in when I planned our fall because I COULD. It was so liberating to jump back into activities after the baby was born that I didn't anticipate being overwhelmed.

 

I think the first thing I'm going to do is cut out choir. That is the one I think the kids would care the least about. They LOVE LOVE LOVE co-op and once some changes are made to the preschool class I will feel comfortable leaving to go run errands with just the baby during co-op. I can also move guitar to AFTER co-op so that's the only longer day we're out during the week.

 

I think I am going to institute quiet/rest time during the day and exercise during that time so I don't feel so rushed exercising before we start school and we can start school earlier. Hopefully that will get us done faster and I will have a break to recharge before starting dinner, etc.

 

I know I do have a thyroid issue but I am on medicine for it. I have PCOS and don't lose weight easily while nursing. My body just wants to hang on to it for some reason. I lost 40 lbs in 6 months after I weaned DD1 and 20 in 3 months after I weaned DD2. I guess I'm just in for the long haul with the weight until I wean. I just want to FEEL better.

 

I do take a good prenatal. Vitamin Code Raw Prenatal. I looked and it has 100% of the RDA for iron. Is this enough?

 

I'm going to focus on eating more protein and drinking tons of water too. I just have to stop going so much! I just can't hack it!!

 

ETA: Thank you all so much for your responses! It is nice to know that others have gone through this and survived and that there is hope!!

[azmomx3]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Been there. Just keep repeating, "It's a phase. Things will change once the baby is older and is sleeping through the night." Hang in there.

 

:iagree::grouphug:

[solascriptura]

I totally feel your pain. I had 4 kids in 5 1/2 years. My DH works long hours like yours. Man, after my 4th was born, it was really rough. I thought that I was going to lose it. All I can say is, "hang in there!" Everyday, pray for strength. If you mess up, forgive yourself, ask your kids for forgiveness and move on. It will get better! Also, keep chores and meals as simple as you can. Can you train your older ones to do more around the house? Your oldest is probably old enough to get simple meals and snack on the table.

 

Best of luck.

[mommymilkies]

It is very important to have your thyroid treated by a professional. It can mess with more than just your energy. My dd has profound hypothyroidism and my mother has thyroid cancer, so I take it very seriously. Have you had your levels checked? Synthroid is fine to take during nursing. :)

 

I felt much better after switching from my Vitamin Code Raw Prenatal back to Rainbow Light. Is that an option to you? I would also add in CLO and Floradix.

[I.Dup.]

You can see the ages of my children in my sig.

 

I came here after a short afternoon nap. I have babysitters come over to help in the afternoons most days my husband works. They are teen girls and friends of the family and it took me YEARS to find a babysitter that was someone I could trust, and who was available. Now that I've found that, I don't ever want to let it go. I always stay at home when they come over, when I was pregnant I would just sleep the whole time, now I work or sleep (I work from home so I try to get some of that done while they are here). :tongue_smilie:

 

I am so exhausted after my hour nap, I can barely move. I don't know why I bother trying to take a nap anymore, I just seem more tired afterward. I should be getting dinner together but I'm sitting here and just came here to check in really quick. I became so sleep deprived after baby #4 and baby #4 and #5 were our closest spacing yet. At that time, our 3yo was also really sick because of food allergies. I almost lost it and skipped out of town for good. Looking back, I see it was because of how terribly sleep deprived I was. I know now that guarding any sleep I am able to get is very important. I co-sleep and nurse, some babies are better at this than others.

 

My first thought when reading your post is "simplify, simplify, simplify". Simplify meals, outings and how often you go out, have the kids help more, etc. I try to see this life as a test and know that mothering is my vocation, so that helps me keep it together with my behavior and reactions but a lot of that traces back to my faith and I am not sure what you believe.

 

It's hard, but you can do it. Know that you are not alone!

[Denisemomof4]

:grouphug: Once the baby gets a little older, and you're sleeping more, this season shall pass.

 

What I did that helped tremendously when I was schooling my boys, I had a tub of toys that dd could ONLY play with during school hours. I also had a set show she could watch during that time. Water is always a huge hit, and I'd place her in a large laundry tub filled with water, and I'd give her pots and pans, funnels, etc. She could play with this for hours!!!

 

When the baby gets older, maybe do some pumping for a bottle feed so you can have some time away?

 

:grouphug:

[texasmama]

When my kids were in the baby/toddler stage, I just buckled up and hung on for the ride. Things are much better now. I've never been a big fan of the baby/toddler stage. The "over five" crowd has proven to be much more manageable. If you don't have any more babies, you will be there in 4 1/2 years.:grouphug: