Anyone find out they have a sibling as an adult?

[NicAnn]

Last night my mother text (texted, texts, ?) me to let me know that I have an adult brother who is 5 years older than me, on my dad's side. It was something her and I always suspected, but because my dad is big on tall tales, and was never allowed to see the child, we figured we would never know the truth.

Well, the son started contacting the other siblings (there are 3 of us) about a month ago, and then contacted me last night. He wants to meet me in person someday, but we live 2 states away from each other now.

 

Has anyone else had this experience? Did you have a relationship with the sibling, and if so, how did that go?

[Liz CA]

Wow! I'd be a little shaken. But you said you always expected it so it's not entirely out of the blue.

Yes, I would absolutely be open to contact. If it works out for everyone, you have a brother and your kiddos an uncle - if it's not something you want to pursue you can leave it at that.

I know I have a half-sibling somewhere but have never searched.

[Excelsior! Academy]

I found out as a teen about a brother.

 

My mom found out as an adult that her dad was a bigamist and she had several siblings all with the same name. She actually has contact with most of them now.

[Mergath]

I found out as a teenager that I have a half-sister, on my dad's side. She came to visit us once, and we got along really well. We didn't really form a close relationship, but we keep in touch infrequently.

[mommaduck]

Yes, we've had it happen twice in our family.

 

My parents were divorced when I was a baby, stepfather adopted me, bio dad thought I was being adopted by another family. Bio dad married multiple times. I found my dad's sister in my late twenties and that is when I found out I had three other siblings, plus a step sibling. I passed off my information for those interested. No one contacts me. Fast forward to my early thirties and I'm entering names into a social networking site. I find my brother. Through him, I find his three half siblings and through them I find our twin sisters. Our aunt had never passed on my information. We were all thrilled. I have a wonderful relationship with my sisters, communication with their half siblings on their mother's side, and my relationship with that brother has been off and on (apple doesn't fall far from the tree issue). Given that my dad is a bigamist and we haven't been able to locate three of the wives, I would not be surprised if there were more of us out there.

 

On my husband's side, his female cousin found out that her dad (his uncle) had been hiding the fact that he had a son before he married her mother. Uncle and grandfather had hidden this secret for a few decades. She found her brother. She is the only one he will communicate with right now. He seems to be holding his grudge against everyone, even though we've made an effort towards him. His wife (now ex) has been willing to keep in contact so we all can see pics of the kids and the kids may have access to any genealogical find I have.

 

Don't expect a faerie tale; expect a flawed human that hurts like the rest of us ;)

[twoforjoy]

My mom found out as an adult that her dad was a bigamist and she had several siblings all with the same name. She actually has contact with most of them now.

 

My MIL found out, after her father died, that he had a second family. It was pretty traumatic for her. AFAIK she hasn't had any contact with her half-siblings.

[Spryte]

We have a similar situation, and haven't yet decided about making contact. Sent you a pm about it, if you want to talk about it privately. Discussing it publicly is out of my comfort zone, since we haven't quite decided what to do yet. (Plus, it's really my DH's story to share, not mine.)

[dirty ethel rackham]

Didn't happen to me, but to my mom. Her dad abandoned the family when she was 11 (he was a drunk who drank his paycheck.) She would occasionally hear updates and did later find out that he had remarried. He apparently had cleaned up his act and was a model husband and father to his new family. Sometime later, she did find out he had children. Since her father rarely had any contact with her, she just acted as if he never existed. Well, my grandfather (feels weird calling him that since I never met him and none of my family had a relationship with him) never told his new family that he was married before and had 2 daughters. Even in his later years, when he had Alzheimer's and was reliving the past, he never mentioned his first family, but mentioned his drinking buddies from those days. My mom's step-siblings found out about his first family at the funeral. They were shocked. They wanted a relationship with my mom and her sister, but Mom and Auntie wanted no part of it. Mom told her step-brother that her father was a different man than his. He should keep his memories of his father and she would keep hers (or do her best to forget.)

[Splinter]

It didn't happen to me, but it happened to my father. He found out about 20 years ago (when all the siblings were in their 40s and 50s) that his first cousin was actually his older half-sister. She was born when my grandmother was only 18 and given to her older sister to raise. We all found this out when my grandfather died.

[NanceXToo]

Kinda neat. I'd meet him!

 

I found out as a teen that my mother had put a child up for adoption and thought it was weird knowing I had a half-brother out there somewhere that I didn't know. I convinced her to try to find him but we weren't ever successful. If I recall correctly, he'd be about ten years older than me.

[Impish]

Wolf discovered he had siblings when he was in his early 30s. He'd always known he was adopted, but not that he had sibs.

 

I believe they've found/met 7 at this point. One sister has a do not contact on her file, and we believe that there's another sister from the same marriage that he's from that hasn't been found (Wolf's grandfather stated that Wolf was the first son)

 

Its been more bad than good, honestly...but that has a lot to do with FASD, growing up in foster care, etc than would be typical. Out of the 7, Wolf is willing to have a relationship with 2. Not great odds.

 

As for me...well, we suspect that my Mom's first dh isn't my bio parent, and that the poor guy that is has no clue. So, I could be a rude shock for someone!

[dangermom]

Yep. I have a half-brother 8 years older than I am, and found out about 18 months ago. We've had some contact over Facebook (messages and such), but we haven't actually met. We're cordial but don't feel any great need to be close. I'd be happy to meet him sometime though.

 

Here's the story: My dad dated a girl all through HS and they planned to get married. When she got pregnant (they were both 18 I think) they just decided to get married sooner. Her mom, and my dad's older brother, both interfered. Uncle told her that my dad didn't really want to marry her, and a few days before the wedding her mom sequestered her at a relative's house, disallowed all communication, sent her out-of-state, and forced her to give up the baby for adoption. It broke my dad's heart and it darn near destroyed her--and she was never able to have any more children. Each thought that the other had instigated the break-up and it took them over 30 years to figure out what had happened. Then they looked for him. Both have met him now--even my mom has (she knew about it but wouldn't allow us to be told until she felt my youngest sister was old enough to know, and doesn't want to talk about it). My husband has too.

[Amy in NH]

Here's the story: My dad dated a girl all through HS and they planned to get married. When she got pregnant (they were both 18 I think) they just decided to get married sooner. Her mom, and my dad's older brother, both interfered. Uncle told her that my dad didn't really want to marry her, and a few days before the wedding her mom sequestered her at a relative's house, disallowed all communication, sent her out-of-state, and forced her to give up the baby for adoption. It broke my dad's heart and it darn near destroyed her--and she was never able to have any more children. Each thought that the other had instigated the break-up and it took them over 30 years to figure out what had happened. Then they looked for him. Both have met him now--even my mom has (she knew about it but wouldn't allow us to be told until she felt my youngest sister was old enough to know, and doesn't want to talk about it). My husband has too.

 

That is a tragic story.

[Liz CA]

That is a tragic story.

 

Yes, what horror!

[dangermom]

Yes, what horror!

 

Yes, it is an awful story. I blame my uncle very much (I disown him!) and I can't believe a mother would do that to her daughter. It makes quite a few things about my dad make more sense as well.

[AmyTompkins]

Wow! That would be awesome! As an only child, I would love for that to happen!

[Gailmegan]

My dh and his sister have known for a very long time that they have an older half-sister from their dad's previous marriage. But they have no desire whatsoever to find her or meet her. This boggles my mind. If I had a half sister somewhere I would be doing everything in my power to find her. But I'm an only child and have always wanted siblings.

 

I'm excited for you that you have made contact.

[Dobela]

My SIL began the family geneology search while my FIL was still living. When she signed up on Ancestry.com and began asking questions, she stumbled into a woman that ended up being a cousin- the daughter of a half brother of my FIL that he never knew about. Neither man knew about the other and both were raised as only children. For them the meeting was good - they were in their 60s, retired and happened to have lots in common. They became very close before FIL died. My SIL is now very close to that cousin and her family.

[mommaduck]

My dh and his sister have known for a very long time that they have an older half-sister from their dad's previous marriage. But they have no desire whatsoever to find her or meet her. This boggles my mind. If I had a half sister somewhere I would be doing everything in my power to find her. But I'm an only child and have always wanted siblings.

 

I'm excited for you that you have made contact.

Out of curiousity, may I ask why they have no interest. I was that older sibling and the biggest fear for me in contacting my younger siblings was the fear of rejection.

[Gailmegan]

Out of curiousity, may I ask why they have no interest. I was that older sibling and the biggest fear for me in contacting my younger siblings was the fear of rejection.

 

I don't understand it. When I ask SIL she says that she's sure the big sister is perfectly happy with her life and if she had wanted to find us she would have. Dh just says he doesn't care. Just because they have some shared DNA doesn't make her a sister. That's all I can get out of either of them.

 

Every so often I find an excuse to bring up the subject again, but they don't even want to talk about it. I don't get it at all.

[mommaduck]

I don't understand it. When I ask SIL she says that she's sure the big sister is perfectly happy with her life and if she had wanted to find us she would have. Dh just says he doesn't care. Just because they have some shared DNA doesn't make her a sister. That's all I can get out of either of them.

 

Every so often I find an excuse to bring up the subject again, but they don't even want to talk about it. I don't get it at all.

My siblings didn't look for me due to two reasons. First, our grandmother had spent her life looking. The jury is still out on whether there was limited, secretive contact between her and my mother (my sisters say that there are photos of me growing up that our grandmother had in a chest...our uncle now has that chest and he limits contact with all the children of my father). Secondly, I found out that they thought I had wanted nothing to do with them. This was a presumption on their part. They asked why I hadn't contacted them when we were young. That's when they found out that I didn't even know about their existance until I had found our aunt several years before (my mother was very secretive about my father's family; I believe this was a deal she had with my stepfather. Also, our aunt did not pass on my information like I had requested).

 

Maybe one day that sister will contact your husband or his sister and things may clear up from there. :grouphug:

 

Contrary to some people's experiences, I found that I had a lot in common with my sisters. More than I ever did with the brother I was raised with. My sisters and I even sound alike. They and our brother are the first people I found that I look like also.

Edited September 22, 2011 by mommaduck

[Impish]

I don't understand it. When I ask SIL she says that she's sure the big sister is perfectly happy with her life and if she had wanted to find us she would have. Dh just says he doesn't care. Just because they have some shared DNA doesn't make her a sister. That's all I can get out of either of them.

 

Every so often I find an excuse to bring up the subject again, but they don't even want to talk about it. I don't get it at all.

I do.

 

I have a brother that I've always known about, but don't 'know'. I've met him when I was younger, and a few times after.

 

There's just nothing there. No common ground, memories, values, nada. A bit of DNA, how much is up for debate.

 

Wolf's not interested in searching for any more sibs. He knows there's a few unaccounted for, but he's had enough.

 

Its a risk. And not all risks turn out happy ones. I think there comes a point where you look at your life and think, "I'm happy as I am. Good how it is." and that's enough. A lost family member/sib is a very emotional thing to go through. Lies of ommission, deliberate deception...the list goes on. Its not something that everyone wants to deal with.

 

Has 0 to do with the missing sib, btw. All about the individual at that moment in time.

[Gailmegan]

My siblings didn't look for me due to two reasons. First, our grandmother had spent her life looking. The jury is still out on whether there was limited, secretive contact between her and my mother (my sisters say that there are photos of me growing up that our grandmother had in a chest...our uncle now has that chest and he limits contact with all the children of my father). Secondly, I found out that they thought I had wanted nothing to do with them. This was a presumption on their part. They asked why I hadn't contacted them when we were young. That's when they found out that I didn't even know about their existance until I had found our aunt several years before (my mother was very secretive about my father's family; I believe this was a deal she had with my stepfather. Also, our aunt did not pass on my information like I had requested).

 

Maybe one day that sister will contact your husband or his sister and things may clear up from there. :grouphug:

 

From what I have gathered the divorce was very difficult and the xw wanted nothing to do with my FIL. I was told she married and took her new husband's name and moved away. So I honestly don't even know if this sister has any idea about her birth father. And I wouldn't know where to look because no one has ever told me the xw's maiden name. All I know is the sister's first name. Not much info.

 

I know dh's paternal grandmother would love to find her long-lost granddaughter. I suspect my FIL wants to also, but he knows that my dh and sister don't, so he hasn't - out of respect for their feelings, supposedly. I have wanted to bring it up with him, but don't want to overstep.

 

So I'm left hoping the sister contacts us. Thanks for the :grouphug:

[Gailmegan]

Its a risk. And not all risks turn out happy ones. I think there comes a point where you look at your life and think, "I'm happy as I am. Good how it is." and that's enough. A lost family member/sib is a very emotional thing to go through. Lies of ommission, deliberate deception...the list goes on. Its not something that everyone wants to deal with.

 

Has 0 to do with the missing sib, btw. All about the individual at that moment in time.

 

Thanks for that perspective. I think you nailed it here. They are fine and happy and not wanting to rock the boat.

[bry's-gal]

I'm on the opposite side- kind of!

 

I have a younger half-sister- she is actually 6 months older then my oldest child- it's a bit creepy to me. I've met her twice and could care less about having a relationship with her. Our father has custody of her and he wants nothing to do with me. I won't let him control my life any more and he is mad about it thus ignores me or sends me hate email/calls. Getting to know my half-sister means dealing with my father and it's not worth it.

 

Will I feel differently when she is an adult? I don't know. We'll just have to wait and see. It will open up all of the hurt from my father though and I'm not sure I would want to do that again.

[DusksAngel]

I'm on the opposite side- kind of!

 

I have a younger half-sister- she is actually 6 months older then my oldest child- it's a bit creepy to me. I've met her twice and could care less about having a relationship with her. Our father has custody of her and he wants nothing to do with me. I won't let him control my life any more and he is mad about it thus ignores me or sends me hate email/calls. Getting to know my half-sister means dealing with my father and it's not worth it.

 

Will I feel differently when she is an adult? I don't know. We'll just have to wait and see. It will open up all of the hurt from my father though and I'm not sure I would want to do that again.

 

I've always known about my halfbrother but I've never met him. He was born when I was sixteen. My father (42) married a 22 year old that had issues (she was mentally young and was also a drug user). Her parents strongly opposed this marriage and were quite happy when they separated only 2 weeks after getting married. The child will always be mentally like that of a toddler/youngster. Her family cared for him for several years and then had him institutionalized. My father has never wanted to have anything to do with' date=' claiming that "no son of mine could be like that". So I'll probably never met him. [/color']

[JennyD]

I haven't had this experience, but I am kind of boggling at your mom delivering this news by text message.

[mom2scouts]

No, but my dh was the unknown sibling to two people. He was adopted as a baby and his birth mother married and later had 2 more children. Only her husband and sister knew about the baby boy she had placed for adoption. When dh's adoptive parents died, he found his original birth certificate and searched for his birth mother. Her husband insisted that she finally tell their children about their half brother. The brother was thrilled to know that he had an older brother and we've met him and his family several times. The sister was a little upset to find out that her mother never told her and she didn't want to tell her children. She sends Christmas cards and met dh once without her family.

[I.Dup.]

Yes. I knew my mom gave her first baby up for adoption, but she didn't even know for sure if it was a boy or girl. His dad just found him about 4 years ago. He's 15 years older than I am and we don't have a relationship, I still have not even met him. But he's become close to my older sister who is closer in age to him and they also have the same father.

[Tmhearn]

Gailmegan, your post made me want to cry...

 

I am the big sister of a group of siblings. I always knew I had younger siblings but didnt know how to contact them. I would hate the thought that they assumed I would contact them if I wanted to know them...

 

My mom and dad had me at a very young age and divorced shortly after I was born. I didn't see him again. Dad got together with another young girl and had a baby shortly after (baby is 15 months younger than me). Baby was put up for adoption. Dad and girl stayed together and married. They had 3 more kids. Dad died a few years later. Fast forward 15 years... And we all connected on Facebook!

 

I went from an only child to having 4 siblings (2 boys and 2 girls). I live close to the youngest (a boy), and we have connected the most. I met the other boy (the adopted one). We keep in touch. I haven't met the girls yet, but we stay in touch through Facebook.

 

Maybe it is because I didn't grow up with any siblings, but building a relationship with my littlest brother has been one of the most amazing experiences of my life. It's like I feel a deeper connection to life or the world, or something. I'm sure that sounds hokey to some people. Sorry, it's hard to put it into words.