s/o When you say "no secrets"....

[Tangerine]

I have to think there are different lines for different people as far as keeping "no secrets" from your spouse. For some, that might mean keeping important information from them in an attempt to hide something you know they wouldn't like. Does it mean he has to know you wax your mustache, lest you look like Groucho Marx? Does it mean you tell him private thoughts that may not involve him :001_huh:? What does it mean to you?

[Nakia]

We don't keep secrets at all. He knows I have a ton of gray hair, wax my upper lip, that I got "involved" with my first love last year online (that ended quickly!!), and that I am madly in love with Alexander Skarsgard. I know his secrets too, but I won't divulge them here, of course.

 

I don't think that level of openness is absolutely necessary to a relationship, but it is just they way we've always been. I am a pretty open person in general though.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

I think "keeping secrets" is more about keeping something hidden that effects that person directly, rather than sharing every. single. thought. Surprises are exempt from this rule :)

[nono]

My dh doesn't have my passwords, but it doesn't mean we're hiding things from one another. I'm pretty sure we do have secrets from one another, but that might be early dementia too. :tongue_smilie:

 

I find it hard to answer these questions without noting I'm in my late 40s...and been married 2x. I find myself at a level of acceptance that just wasn't there when I was younger. I was so much more...intense?...intent, maybe, on KNOWING. Now, I know I don't know. Guess what. It's OK. I'm still pretty savvy. But I like to think I'm more tolerable. (Oh, let me dream... :lol:)

[mytwomonkeys]

well, we aren't one of those couples that shares every detail about our past lives. we got married just shy of my 29th birthday, and although he has the "cliff notes" of my past - there's no need to go into details. likewise, i don't need to know more than his cliff notes either (basically ...what in our past is pertinent to understanding who we are today). we've been married 11 years now, and we still don't share every little detail of our day. it would be tedious honestly to give a play-by-play. what "no secrets" means to us, is that we simply are transparent with what we think and who we are. there are not issues, actions, thoughts, and behaviors that if discovered would leave the other person baffled or hurt. we share intimately and honestly, but we don't need to share every tiny thought and action.

[Alte Veste Academy]

Well, I don't have any secrets from DH but let's just say that after more than 18 years of being together, there are things he pretends not to know and wishes he hadn't ever discovered. :lol:

[Scarlett]

I find it hard to answer these questions without noting I'm in my late 40s...and been married 2x. I find myself at a level of acceptance that just wasn't there when I was younger. I was so much more...intense?...intent, maybe, on KNOWING. Now, I know I don't know. Guess what. It's OK. I'm still pretty savvy. But I like to think I'm more tolerable. (Oh, let me dream... :lol:)

 

I'm mid 40s and not even married a year to dh#2. I know what you mean about the 'need to know' feeling. I thought the lessening of that feeling had more to do with trusting current dh (whereas I didn't trust XH) than being older. Shrug. Who knows.

[missmoe]

Not keeping secrets means I would be comfortable with my husband knowing anything about me--my thoughts, my day to day activities, my conversations with my friends, my grooming habits, ect. It doesn't necessarily mean I share all of that with him because hey daily life doesn't allow me to spill my guts everyday about everything.

 

It means I trust him knowing things about him I don't share with anyone else.

[Ria]

He knows when I wax and where I wax. Physical stuff, s*xual stuff, "visual" stuff (see other current thread)...no secrets.

 

Financial stuff, shopping stuff, anything else? It's all the same. No secrets.

 

We've been best friends since we were 18. We talk about everything.

[Nakia]

Well, I don't have any secrets from DH but let's just say that after more than 18 years of being together, there are things he pretends not to know and wishes he hadn't ever discovered. :lol:

 

That made me lol! We've been together 18 years, married for 13. I think Patrick knows a heck of a lot more about me than he ever thought he would. :lol:

[Scarlett]

I have to think there are different lines for different people as far as keeping "no secrets" from your spouse. For some, that might mean keeping important information from them in an attempt to hide something you know they wouldn't like. Does it mean he has to know you wax your mustache, lest you look like Groucho Marx? Does it mean you tell him private thoughts that may not involve him :001_huh:? What does it mean to you?

 

Married almost a year to second husband. We are VERY open and honest with each other. It is one of the things I cherish about our relationship....he does too. I still get giddy that he doesn't guard his phone or his email account.

[Orthodox6]

The only permissible secrets are what I have selected/planned for his birthday, anniversary, Nativity, or nameday gifts. For him, only whatever gift he has selected/planned for me for those same occasions.

 

I honestly consider it purely bizarre to marry someone and have secrets, separate bank accounts (unless both spouses have equal access to the accounts), or any other such thing. We do have some separate friends -- male for him, female for me -- because of our differing interests and schedules.

[*Lulu*]

He knows when I wax and where I wax. Physical stuff, s*xual stuff, "visual" stuff (see other current thread)...no secrets.

 

Financial stuff, shopping stuff, anything else? It's all the same. No secrets.

 

We've been best friends since we were 18. We talk about everything.

 

This is us as well.

[angela in ohio]

For us, it means no secrets at all. We talk for an hour or two every night and for hours and hours on "date night." We are two halves of the same whole, and we share and know everything about each other. I know some chick chatted him up at the Y last night :D; he knows when an ex FBs me. He handles the waxing and other private girl stuff really well for aguy who didn't have sisters. :lol:

 

We talk about and laugh about every silly little thing. When we have a few busy days, and we don't get to talk much, we stay up late into the night to catch up.

 

That's the kind of marriage we both want, and I know there are many different types of successful marriage. :001_smile: Hopefully others can say the same and not jump to conclusions about a marriage with no secrets.

[MamaT]

We have been married for 30 years this month, and we have no secrets. We're open with the good, the bad, and the ugly.

 

We don't really talk about every little detail of our days, but anything important we share.

 

I have access to his email and he has access to mine. We have never checked up on each other, but don't find it necessary to keep our passwords from one another.

[Ria]

To give you an example of how open we are with each other, dh knew I was quite impressed with the infamous Adam Levine cancer awareness photo. Dh was not offended. Quite a visual, indeed.

:D

[Tangerine]

To give you an example of how open we are with each other, dh knew I was quite impressed with the infamous Adam Levine cancer awareness photo. Dh was not offended. Quite a visual, indeed.

:D

 

And it was it ever effective in raising my...awareness. :001_huh:

[Ria]

And it was it ever effective in raising my...awareness. :001_huh:

 

I told dh I wanted to be the hands.

And that pretty much ended the spoken part of our conversation that evening, lol.:blush:

 

Having no secrets can be very....pleasant. :D

[Scarlett]

He knows when I wax and where I wax. Physical stuff, s*xual stuff, "visual" stuff (see other current thread)...no secrets.

 

Financial stuff, shopping stuff, anything else? It's all the same. No secrets.

 

We've been best friends since we were 18. We talk about everything.

 

Same here...No secrets. I love it.

[BMW]

We don't keep "secrets" as far as intentionally. We were both with our first partners for the same amount of time... 17 years. I hear things from his family members that he doesn't talk about and I don't confront because that is the past... that is not him today... and he had a rough road at times, the same as I did.... If we ask each other point blank about something, I am confident that we will tell each other the truth...

 

A bit of an aside... I really like my space. I was micro-managed in my first marriage and had a lot of pressure on me. I really, really value having my space. And that might look like I keep things to myself to an outsider. "Having my space" means, I want the time and distance to have private, fun talks with my mom or best friend (that is easy, it can happen while he is working and it never bothers him!). It also means that I am capable of making rational, sound decisions that are basic to our daily lives on my own and not asking. If it is a bigger decision that affects our future together, of course I would not make it without him. I handle my own finances and that has been important because I have been a steward of child support over the years and I have always held myself accountable for how I spend it... on the children that it is for, for their particular dental bills, etc. So, we will keep our finances separate until we no longer have children under 18....

 

So, we don't know all the details of each other's lives, but we sure have a wonderful time together! We are honest with each other. We care deeply for each other. And I am fairly independent in certain ways.... I can see myself, over time, being more dependent on him, though.

[Ginevra]

I don't keep secrets in the deceptive sense, in the I-bought-a-diamond-ring-on-a-credit-card-he-doesn't-know-I-have sense, but I am also not a person who had to share every thought that enters my head. (Though some of you will disagree, given what you've known me to say here! :D)

 

My passwords are available where dh could locate them, but I would think something was very strange if he started checking up on things using my passwords. Same with if I did that to him. I know his password on his iPad, but I wouldn't get on it and start snooping around to see where he's been, what's on his Ebay account, what e-mails he's getting, etc.

 

I also think if there are things in one's past that don't need to be known, it's better left unsaid. I'm sure I don't know every detail of his past and he doesn't know every detail of mine so...so much the better.

[Tangerine]

I enjoy the fact that people have such different approaches to this topic and have happy marriages that work for them. Kudos, peeps.

[Pretty in Pink]

We are very open with one another. We are best friends. I don't feel the need to know every sordid detail of his life before me and he doesn't ask about mine (granted, we were married at the ages of 20/22, but still). Anyway.

 

We talk all the time and enjoy one another's company. I am sure that we don't share *every* thought that comes into our minds, but I don't count that as keeping secrets.

[hsmom23]

For us, it means no secrets at all. We talk for an hour or two every night and for hours and hours on "date night." We are two halves of the same whole, and we share and know everything about each other. I know some chick chatted him up at the Y last night :D; he knows when an ex FBs me. He handles the waxing and other private girl stuff really well for aguy who didn't have sisters. :lol:

 

We talk about and laugh about every silly little thing. When we have a few busy days, and we don't get to talk much, we stay up late into the night to catch up.

 

That's the kind of marriage we both want, and I know there are many different types of successful marriage. :001_smile: Hopefully others can say the same and not jump to conclusions about a marriage with no secrets.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: This is us!

[DawnM]

We don't have secrets, but that doesn't mean I need to share every single thought I have with him. I don't consider that secret though.

 

To me it just means that I have nothing to hide.

 

Dawn

[Scarlett]

For us, it means no secrets at all. We talk for an hour or two every night and for hours and hours on "date night." We are two halves of the same whole, and we share and know everything about each other. I know some chick chatted him up at the Y last night :D; he knows when an ex FBs me. He handles the waxing and other private girl stuff really well for aguy who didn't have sisters. :lol:

 

We talk about and laugh about every silly little thing. When we have a few busy days, and we don't get to talk much, we stay up late into the night to catch up.

 

That's the kind of marriage we both want, and I know there are many different types of successful marriage. :001_smile: Hopefully others can say the same and not jump to conclusions about a marriage with no secrets.

 

Oh my. You just described my marriage. We talk and talk...and if we run into times when we can't talk much we do end up staying up really late to catch up.

[JeneralMom]

For those of you who keep no secrets, how would you feel if you told a dear friend a secret and then she told her Dh because "they have no secrets". I have a friend who I have to censor myself very closely with because she will tell her DH very intimate details that anyone confides in her. The only secrets I keep from DH are those kinds - other people's secrets.

[Alte Veste Academy]

For those of you who keep no secrets, how would you feel if you told a dear friend a secret and then she told her Dh because "they have no secrets". I have a friend who I have to censor myself very closely with because she will tell her DH very intimate details that anyone confides in her. The only secrets I keep from DH are those kinds - other people's secrets.

 

I don't tell friends anything I would care about if they told their husbands and they know I won't keep secrets from him either. That said, DH isn't interested in a discussion of multiple yeast infections or discipline problems or blah blah blah other light stuff.

 

However, it seems more like your friend is gossiping to her husband and I find that odd and potentially offensive. I don't share every intimate detail of my friends' lives with DH. I do share things when I need his advice or manly POV. If he asked me a pointed question, I would answer it honestly.

[higginszoo]

Shaving, waxing, dyeing he knows about. I don't necessarily share every detail because he's not really interested.

He could figure out my passwords, but I don't go out of my way to provide them, usually. (And vice versa.)

 

The only things I keep from him are things that others tell me in confidence that don't concern him (usually things that he wouldn't be interested in anyway). Like stuff that my 3 best friends and I would sometimes discuss over coffee that they didn't really want spread around, but they were all things that he wouldn't care to know anyway.

[Scarlett]

I don't tell friends anything I would care about if they told their husbands and they know I won't keep secrets from him either. That said, DH isn't interested in a discussion of multiple yeast infections or discipline problems or blah blah blah other light stuff.

 

However, it seems more like your friend is gossiping to her husband and I find that odd and potentially offensive. I don't share every intimate detail of my friends' lives with DH. I do share things when I need his advice or manly POV. If he asked me a pointed question, I would answer it honestly.

 

This is how we are.

 

Girl stuff...and private feelings or thoughts...I would not reveal that kind of stuff to dh...but my girlfriends and I all feel pretty much the same about our dh's....if you tell a girfriend something you better assume she will tell her dh. Unless you specifically ask her not too....

 

Seems common sense....but I guess people handle things differently.

[texasmama]

Not keeping any intentional secrets here. I do like a bit of privacy and don't really want him going through my phone texts and email and such. (He doesn't do this...) I don't think that dh has any intentional secrets, either. We each have passwords that the other doesn't know, but we could get them if needed. This is a second marriage for both of us (and we've been married over 12 years) so we were separately functioning adults when we entered it. That said, we share bank accounts.

[texasmama]

For those of you who keep no secrets, how would you feel if you told a dear friend a secret and then she told her Dh because "they have no secrets". I have a friend who I have to censor myself very closely with because she will tell her DH very intimate details that anyone confides in her. The only secrets I keep from DH are those kinds - other people's secrets.

 

I pretty much assume that if I tell a friend something that she might tell her dh. I tell my dh a lot of things because we just enjoy talking and sharing things. If someone asked me not to tell dh a secret, and it was not something that would feel "wrong" not to tell him, I would keep the secret and not tell him.

[Abigail4476]

I think it's less about "telling everything" and more about "not hiding anything." There are things I don't share unless I'm asked, but I don't hide anything pertinent. We share passwords because we started doing that years ago as an accountability thing with the internet. It's also more convenient when we access bank accounts and email accounts to just know each other's passwords.

 

I deliberately share information that my husband needs to know--information that will directly affect him or needs his input. Other things I share on a whim or when I'm asked.

 

I don't share things my friends tell me unless they tell me specifically that it's okay. (And sometimes I ask them directly to be sure.) My husband is aware of this, and he does the same. To do otherwise would be breaking a confidence, IMO. He's on the church board and can't share some things that are talked about in the meetings.

 

...I feel that I overused the word "things" in this post. :tongue_smilie:

Edited September 21, 2011 by Abigail4476

[Orthodox6]

Yours is a very good point.

 

Holding a confidence in private that "belongs" to a third person falls into a different category, I believe. If I receive a confidence which I believe should be shared with my dh, I obtain permission first. Usually it is granted by my friend, because my close friends know my dh, and know that he is one of the most trustworthy men on the planet. Without express permission, however, I would not share the information.

 

 

For those of you who keep no secrets, how would you feel if you told a dear friend a secret and then she told her Dh because "they have no secrets". I have a friend who I have to censor myself very closely with because she will tell her DH very intimate details that anyone confides in her. The only secrets I keep from DH are those kinds - other people's secrets.

[Abigail4476]

Yours is a very good point.

 

Holding a confidence in private that "belongs" to a third person falls into a different category, I believe. If I receive a confidence which I believe should be shared with my dh, I obtain permission first. Usually it is granted by my friend, because my close friends know my dh, and know that he is one of the most trustworthy men on the planet. Without express permission, however, I would not share the information.

 

:iagree:

[hollyh]

We've been married for 11 years. No intentional secrets. period. There may be things we don't have time to share or don't get a chance to, but we don't hide anything from each other. Any conversation we have with friends is discussed later with one another (friends are all aware of this too). It's not that I feel the need to have no secrets, but that I don't think we honestly could. We are best friends and are the only person we can share everything with. Finances are open book/shared accts. Passwords are known/shared.

[Heather in Neverland]

well, we aren't one of those couples that shares every detail about our past lives. we got married just shy of my 29th birthday, and although he has the "cliff notes" of my past - there's no need to go into details. likewise, i don't need to know more than his cliff notes either (basically ...what in our past is pertinent to understanding who we are today). we've been married 11 years now, and we still don't share every little detail of our day. it would be tedious honestly to give a play-by-play. what "no secrets" means to us, is that we simply are transparent with what we think and who we are. there are not issues, actions, thoughts, and behaviors that if discovered would leave the other person baffled or hurt. we share intimately and honestly, but we don't need to share every tiny thought and action.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

We got married when I was 26 and he was 28. He'd been married before. I certainly have a past.

 

As far as the "need" to know every detail... my mom always told me "Don't ask the question unless you REALLY want the answer." I don't want to know every detail of his past so I don't ask and vice versa. Ignorance CAN be bliss sometimes. ;)

[Night Elf]

I have to think there are different lines for different people as far as keeping "no secrets" from your spouse. For some, that might mean keeping important information from them in an attempt to hide something you know they wouldn't like. Does it mean he has to know you wax your mustache, lest you look like Groucho Marx? Does it mean you tell him private thoughts that may not involve him :001_huh:? What does it mean to you?

 

Gosh, DH and I talk about so much. We've talked very graphic details about our prior marriages even. I just don't see a need to keep anything from him. I need at least one person in this world that I can trust wholeheartedly. No, there really are no secrets I keep. I don't know what I could think or have done that my DH shouldn't know about. You know, considering he was standing next to me when I gave birth to his children, he has even seen parts of me that *I* haven't seen! :tongue_smilie: He also attends some of my counseling sessions because I need him to know everything that is going on with me. Oh my, I can't stand the thought of having to keep a secret from my husband. It would make me look at my marriage in a different light.

[tntgoodwin]

My wife and I are one, so anything someone tells one of us they should expect that the other one will know. I can't think of a valid reason where someone would tell me some and ask me not to tell my wife.

We don't keep secrets, except obvious things like birthday gifts, etc.

[creekland]

We've been married 23 years and have no secrets of any sort. We're best friends, so we share all the good, bad, ugly and ordinary just as best friends tend to do. Granted we don't necessarily relate a play by play of our work days to each other, but we share the highlights and our inner thoughts as it's important to us.

[hsmom]

No secrets here. I tell him everything. My family, friends, kids everyone knows he knows it all. If I am told he knows. That is just how it is and it will never change. It works perfect for us this way.