s/o Comments about big families

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

This thread was posted a month ago, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. In it it was pointed out to me that questions I thought were common of other moms, "Are you going to have more kids?" etc. were very personal and potentially insulting (implying that the number of kids they have is not enough, person could have had a lot of trouble conceiving, etc.)

 

Now, I will grant you that (long depressing story short) I am not very good at societal norms nor realizing that what I think I'm communicating is not always how people interrupt it. That being said, I realized why I thought those questions were fine: because I am asked them and I am not offended by them. In the past 3 weeks I have been asked by a person I had just met if we were going to try for another kid. And last Sunday my new neighbor asked if we were going to try for a girl (we have two boys.) Now, my pregnancies were both difficult, my life and the baby's were in danger both times, and I'm on a medication that I would have to go off if we did start trying again. But I did not consider these questions to be insulting or two personal. As a matter of fact, I do want a little girl.

 

But the old thread made me think that I'm in the minority by not being put off. So my question is, what questions are acceptable to you? If I were to meet you at a playground, what would you want to share with me?

[Renee in NC]

In the right context, with positive tone/body language, those types of questions do not offend me.

 

Asking me, "Don't you know what causes that" with a giggle/smile is likely to get back something along the lines of "Yes! We finally found something we were good at!" with a giggle/smile back.:tongue_smilie: Asked with a disgusted tone/look may get you nothing or something not-so-nice back.:glare:

 

Only sometimes am I offended by questions - usually I don't care.

[UnsinkableKristen]

I agree with you - there really aren't many questions I would be offended over. I'm open and talkative, and also pretty confident about my choices and lifestyle. While there are some questions I might find unusual, I wouldn't be offended.

 

For example, we regularly get asked if we know what causes that, if we are ever going to stop having kids, if we have a tv in our bedroom, etc. I just laugh and say whatever comes to mind. Same thing goes with homeschooling questions, parenting questions, etc.

 

One time my step brother - quite seriously - told me I was going to ruin my kids and turn them into weird Duggar clones by homeschooling them. I just laughed and told him that that was actually my secret master plan. I was just going to start slowly wearing more jumpers, combing my hair higher and higher, and steadily having more kids until BAM!! one day everyone realizes I've turned my family into the Duggars while no one was looking. Mwah ha ha.

 

Poor guy had no idea what to do with himself.

 

Anyway, I just feel that most people are interested so I answer them. If they just want to start an argument, then I smile nicely, say something funny, and move on with my day. No fuss, no muss.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

Asking me, "Don't you know what causes that" with a giggle/smile is likely to get back something along the lines of "Yes! We finally found something we were good at!" with a giggle/smile back.:tongue_smilie: Asked with a disgusted tone/look may get you nothing or something not-so-nice back.:glare:.

 

For example, we regularly get asked if we know what causes that, if we are ever going to stop having kids,

 

I don't understand this question. Is it a generational thing? A regional thing? Who asks such an obvious question?

 

Although my pastor fil did use my husband and I and our children as a cause-and-effect example in a sermon, saying that we knew the cause of our children. I was :blink::svengo:

[Impish]

Its all subjective.

 

Being asked, "Do you think you'll have anymore?" in a kind manner is one thing.

 

"This IS the last, right?! You're NOT planning on another!!" is completely different.

 

All depends on who, how, and what is said. Also, being asked privately, rather than blared at in front of an audience makes a diff too.

[happypamama]

Its all subjective.

 

Being asked, "Do you think you'll have anymore?" in a kind manner is one thing.

 

"This IS the last, right?! You're NOT planning on another!!" is completely different.

 

All depends on who, how, and what is said. Also, being asked privately, rather than blared at in front of an audience makes a diff too.

 

Yes, to that. I don't really mind if people ask nicely if we think we'll have more; I figure they're curious, maybe want to know how the logistics of a large family work, are thinking about being quiver full, who knows? I usually say, "I hope so!" How am I supposed to know if we'll have more or not? It's a reasonable assumption that we could have more if we wanted to -- I'm only 34, got pregnant very easily last time, we don't use artificial birth control, etc. But you never know. If God sends more, I will be thrilled (and I still feel like someone is missing from our family); if not, I'm content and happy with the four beautiful babies I have.

 

I wouldn't mind being asked how I do it, though I don't think I really have anything special to share. Four isn't really that many, IMO. And I don't know how I do it -- I just do. But I do love seeing even larger families and hearing what works for them.

 

I guess I'm not bothered by genuinely curious or interested questions, about family size, homeschooling, breastfeeding, whatever. I am happy with my choices in those areas, and I'd love to share them with anyone who might be wondering or considering something for their own family. But negative comments -- yuck. (I've really never had one. The "worst" I've ever heard was "you have your hands full," which really cracks me up, because usually, my infant is in a sling, so my hands aren't literally full. I always say, "my hands and my heart." And full is definitely better than empty.)

[meggie]

Its all subjective.

 

Being asked, "Do you think you'll have anymore?" in a kind manner is one thing.

 

"This IS the last, right?! You're NOT planning on another!!" is completely different.

 

All depends on who, how, and what is said. Also, being asked privately, rather than blared at in front of an audience makes a diff too.

:iagree:

 

We had to have a long discussion about it with the inlaws. I told them I don't mind them asking if we'll have more, I just don't want them telling us we have to. Whenever someone is being nice, I will answer their questions. If they are rude, I'm likely going to give rude back.

 

For example, my inlaws used to tell us we'd better hurry up, bc Pigby was getting too old. :glare: I almost grabbed the phone out of my husband's hands and hung up on them several times. The only reason I didn't is bc he moved back too quickly.

 

On the other hand, his aunt once asked if we were planning on having more after child #3. She got a polite, "Probably not."

 

I wasn't too pleased when my grandma told my mom that DH ought to get a vasectomy, but at least she had the good sense to say it to my mom and not to me. She didn't say anything to me. My grandpa did send a little card with money and the card said, "Tell Corey he better be careful. I can't afford all these babies you're having." But I knew it was just a joke, bc I know him.

 

And with homeschooling, once my sister was being a real snot. She was visiting and Digby had a stomach bug and threw up a couple of times and was super whiny and clingy. I didn't do school with Pigby that day. In a super snotty voice, she asked, "So you're sure about this homeschool thing?" and I immediately bristled and told her, "Not your problem to worry about." And with more snottiness she said, "What I'm not even allowed to ask questions?" And I said, "You can ask questions?" And she was like, "Well?" so I said, "Yes, I'm sure about this homeschooling thing." And being an even bigger brat, she asked, "So how much school did you get done today?" And then I went off (in a more polite tone than she deserved btw) "It's a sick day. He's only 5. Mandatory school isn't even until 6. The fact that I'm doing anything at all is going to help him. He can already read at at least a first grade level so NO, I'm not concerned if he misses reading lessons for the day." And in a meek little voice she asked, "He can read at a first grade level?" "Yes," I said, "at least."

 

And at another time, she, my mom, and my SIL were waxing on and on and on about how they could never homeschool and how they would snap and how it's the worst thing ever. And I just kept my mouth shut and let them. They don't know what it involves and they don't want to learn, so they can remain in their ignorance. I'm not going to get into an argument about it unless someone is directly attacking me.

[Mrs Mungo]

Most people are making small talk with questions; it doesn't generally bother me. I try to keep it light. Throw some hostility at menon a bad day though? It could get ugly.

[snipsnsnailsx5]

I think there are real reasons to be offended by certain questions - such as if a woman has a history of infertility it can be upsetting to be asked when they are going to get pregnant again...etc.

 

However, I don't get why "are you having more kids" is offensive to most people. Perhaps it depends on the tone. I ask that question often to my friends, women I know. I ask it because I just love kids and I think having new babies is so exciting. I just ask because I'm curious if they are done having kids or if they are planning more.

 

When someone asks me if we're going to have any more children, it doesn't bother me as long as they aren't being rude or condescending about it. If they are honestly asking and happy for us regardless if we have more or not...then I'm happy to answer. If I feel they are mocking me then my answer is pretty vague, such as "I guess we'll just have to wait and see!"

 

I also don't mind when people ask me if we'd like a girl with this pregnancy. Or if we were trying for a girl, etc. After TONS of those type of questions it does get a bit old, but I just give the same answer everytime to avoid having to come up with new ways to say it. lol

 

What I don't like are the condescending questions that are said to make fun of our large family, or show the person's disapproval in large families. uggh SUch as..."Are you crazy?" or "What are you thinking?" Or "How are you going to handle a new baby?" and so on...those can get pretty offensive.

[mycalling]

None of it bothers me, though we've never received a rude comment or question from a friend or stranger (just from female family members). I love talking about my kids/our family.

[AngelBee]

This thread was posted a month ago, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. In it it was pointed out to me that questions I thought were common of other moms, "Are you going to have more kids?" etc. were very personal and potentially insulting (implying that the number of kids they have is not enough, person could have had a lot of trouble conceiving, etc.)

 

Now, I will grant you that (long depressing story short) I am not very good at societal norms nor realizing that what I think I'm communicating is not always how people interrupt it. That being said, I realized why I thought those questions were fine: because I am asked them and I am not offended by them. In the past 3 weeks I have been asked by a person I had just met if we were going to try for another kid. And last Sunday my new neighbor asked if we were going to try for a girl (we have two boys.) Now, my pregnancies were both difficult, my life and the baby's were in danger both times, and I'm on a medication that I would have to go off if we did start trying again. But I did not consider these questions to be insulting or two personal. As a matter of fact, I do want a little girl.

 

But the old thread made me think that I'm in the minority by not being put off. So my question is, what questions are acceptable to you? If I were to meet you at a playground, what would you want to share with me?

 

I have no problem sharing this sort of information in a mutual conversation between two people. I am sharing my story and they are sharing theirs.

 

What I DO take offense to is being told "Oh my! You have your hands full!" or "Don't you know how that happens???" or "Are you having more? REALLY???" or "Can't keep him off you huh?"or "When are you popping another out?" or "You pregnant again?" or "You should really not have anymore. After all, the environment is taxed enough." or "Kids are so expensive. You should really get a nicer car and become more stable." or "Don't you want to enjoy your life?" , etc. by people in casual conversation or in brief passing.....and in a comical manner. (ALL have REALLY been said to me. And not during a conversation. Just randomly.)

 

That is offensive.

 

No different than if I were to say "Why do you use birth control?" or "Do you need me to draw you a diagram of how to make kids?" or "Don't you like kids?" or "You must really enjoy time alone!" or "Do you have fertility issues?" or "Everything ok in your marrriage? I noticed you haven't had a little one in a while..."

 

(I DO NOT BELIEVE THESE THINGS!!! Just displaying the level of dismay I have at the comfort some have in their speech with others.)

 

No problem though sharing with others in a respectful conversation. :)

[justamouse]

In the right context, with positive tone/body language, those types of questions do not offend me.

 

Asking me, "Don't you know what causes that" with a giggle/smile is likely to get back something along the lines of "Yes! We finally found something we were good at!" with a giggle/smile back.:tongue_smilie: Asked with a disgusted tone/look may get you nothing or something not-so-nice back.:glare:

 

Only sometimes am I offended by questions - usually I don't care.

:iagree::iagree:

 

It all depends on how you ask me.

[AngelBee]

I lied. There is one more thing that bothers me greatly. Because I have six boys and no girls, the question of, "Are you going to keep trying so you can get a girl?" -- REALLY bothers me. In my mind, it implies that I couldn't possibly be satisfied with my boys and that only a girl will bring me true happiness. Urgh. It just bothers me immensely.

 

:iagree:

[AngelBee]

:iagree::iagree:

 

It all depends on how you ask me.

 

AMEN!!!

[cindergretta]

Like the pps said, it is all about tone. :) I am happy to discuss many things with people who are genuine and warm and friendly. OTOH, if one is being a twerp and ugly, likely all they will get from me is a glare I learned from my dh! ;)

[AngelBee]

In the right context, with positive tone/body language, those types of questions do not offend me.

 

Asking me, "Don't you know what causes that" with a giggle/smile is likely to get back something along the lines of "Yes! We finally found something we were good at!" with a giggle/smile back.:tongue_smilie: Asked with a disgusted tone/look may get you nothing or something not-so-nice back.:glare:

 

Only sometimes am I offended by questions - usually I don't care.

I one time at church answered, "Have you seen my husband? I can't keep my hands off him! I mean he is that good! When your having that much fun, who WOULD stop???" :D

 

I could not help it! I was so sick of being asked...and at a Catholic parish. :001_huh:

 

I thought she was going to faint! :tongue_smilie:

[AngelBee]

One time my step brother - quite seriously - told me I was going to ruin my kids and turn them into weird Duggar clones by homeschooling them. I just laughed and told him that that was actually my secret master plan. I was just going to start slowly wearing more jumpers, combing my hair higher and higher, and steadily having more kids until BAM!! one day everyone realizes I've turned my family into the Duggars while no one was looking. Mwah ha ha.

 

Poor guy had no idea what to do with himself.

 

 

 

:lol: Seriously almost peed myself!

[JennyD]

I one time at church answered, "Have you seen my husband? I can't keep my hands off him! I mean he is that good! When your having that much fun, who WOULD stop???" :D

 

I could not help it! I was so sick of being asked...and at a Catholic parish. :001_huh:

 

I thought she was going to faint! :tongue_smilie:

 

LOL

 

I do not have a notably large family but I am still surprised by what people ask. Someone asked me just yesterday if my third child was a 'surprise." I wasn't offended -- people are just trying to make conversation -- but I certainly thought it was an inappropriate question, and it's not like I would even consider answering that sort of thing one way or the other.

 

The only thing that I get annoyed about is when someone asks me right in front of my boys, two of whom are more than old enough to understand, if we are going to 'keep trying for a girl."

[AngelBee]

LOL

 

I do not have a notably large family but I am still surprised by what people ask. Someone asked me just yesterday if my third child was a 'surprise." I wasn't offended -- people are just trying to make conversation -- but I certainly thought it was an inappropriate question, and it's not like I would even consider answering that sort of thing one way or the other.

 

The only thing that I get annoyed about is when someone asks me right in front of my boys, two of whom are more than old enough to understand, if we are going to 'keep trying for a girl."

 

That is like when people ask if all of mine are planned. :glare:

 

I am so disorganized....that would be a heck of alot of planning! :D :lol:

[brehon]

I lied. There is one more thing that bothers me greatly. Because I have six boys and no girls, the question of, "Are you going to keep trying so you can get a girl?" -- REALLY bothers me. In my mind, it implies that I couldn't possibly be satisfied with my boys and that only a girl will bring me true happiness. Urgh. It just bothers me immensely.

 

I can certainly see why that would bother you. I have 3 girls and 2 boys. Besides the usual, common fare I'm often asked if I want another boy -- to even things out, don't you know.

 

My standard reply is that we don't keep the kids on a scale where correct balancing would matter. :rolleyes:

[Veritaserum]

I lied. There is one more thing that bothers me greatly. Because I have six boys and no girls, the question of, "Are you going to keep trying so you can get a girl?" -- REALLY bothers me. In my mind, it implies that I couldn't possibly be satisfied with my boys and that only a girl will bring me true happiness. Urgh. It just bothers me immensely.

 

That's the one that bothers me, but I have five girls.

[AngelBee]

That's the one that bothers me, but I have five girls.

 

Bothers me too....only because people always say that I am so lucky to have so many of both. :(

 

I would love them all if all boys or girls. :confused:

[Parker Martin]

That's the one that bothers me, but I have five girls.

 

Bothers me too. I only have two boys, and I'm constantly asked, "So are you hoping for a girl?" or told, "I hope it's a girl!"

 

I love my boys. I would love to have another boy or to have a girl.

[zaichiki]

What I DO take offense to is being told "Oh my! You have your hands full!" or "Don't you know how that happens???" or "Are you having more? REALLY???" or "Can't keep him off you huh?"or "When are you popping another out?" or "You pregnant again?" or "You should really not have anymore. After all, the environment is taxed enough." or "Kids are so expensive. You should really get a nicer car and become more stable." or "Don't you want to enjoy your life?" , etc. by people in casual conversation or in brief passing.....and in a comical manner. (ALL have REALLY been said to me. And not during a conversation. Just randomly.)

 

That is offensive.

 

Oh yes: comments in that tone are usually only slightly hidden judgements. It's none of their business how I choose to live my life. I *really* hate it when strangers ask personal questions. I feel that the right to personal information belongs to close friends/family. But then, that's because I was raised in American culture. (I have discovered, much to my personal distress, that certain other cultures do not necessarily value privacy in this way.)

[Mommy22alyns]

I lied. There is one more thing that bothers me greatly. Because I have six boys and no girls, the question of, "Are you going to keep trying so you can get a girl?" -- REALLY bothers me. In my mind, it implies that I couldn't possibly be satisfied with my boys and that only a girl will bring me true happiness. Urgh. It just bothers me immensely.

 

 

This on the reverse. I know (OP) we've discussed this before, but I cannot stand the implication that we NEED a boy to complete our family.

[gardenmom5]

I lied. There is one more thing that bothers me greatly. Because I have six boys and no girls, the question of, "Are you going to keep trying so you can get a girl?" -- REALLY bothers me. In my mind, it implies that I couldn't possibly be satisfied with my boys and that only a girl will bring me true happiness. Urgh. It just bothers me immensely.

 

It doesn't do the boys much good either - as it will get back to them.

My grandmother came from a very large family of ALL girls. someone even told the small town newspaper that the last baby was a boy and it was in the town paper how " ___ finally got his boy".

[RainySunday]

We don't get many comments (only have the two living), but I do agree that mostly it's tone that will either offend or not. The one comment that does bug me is that we must be "so happy that we have one of each, how perfect!" Which irritates me because we actually have a 3rd (our 1st dd was stillborn). But I know that's me being sensitive, and not so much them trying to offend.

[KidsHappen]

I lied. There is one more thing that bothers me greatly. Because I have six boys and no girls, the question of, "Are you going to keep trying so you can get a girl?" -- REALLY bothers me. In my mind, it implies that I couldn't possibly be satisfied with my boys and that only a girl will bring me true happiness. Urgh. It just bothers me immensely.

 

Yes, we have a bevy of girls, seven between my hubby and myself. Back when I was pregnant on a regular basis, people frequently asked if we were trying for a boy as if that could be the only logical explanation for having so many kids. Truth of the matter was that we weren't trying at all. Actually we were actively trying to not to conceive. It just turns out that we aren't very good at that.

[creekland]

I can't think of a single question that has ever bothered me. I tend to think people get offended too often. I'm often REALLY surprised at questions people get offended about.

 

Negative comments? My philosophy is that everyone is entitled to their opinion. It honestly doesn't bug me when people believe differently than I do even if they verbalize it. It doesn't mean I have to change my mind.

 

I enjoy being able to talk about almost anything in my circle of family and friends. (The "almost" is because intimate issues are generally skipped.)

[delaney]

I don't mind questions as much as I mind comments with attitude. My mom once made a nasty comment to me when I first got pregnant and felt REALLY bad when I miscarried 2 weeks later. Well I showed her.....I had not 1 but 2 more.:tongue_smilie:

[Ginevra]

This thread was posted a month ago, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. In it it was pointed out to me that questions I thought were common of other moms, "Are you going to have more kids?" etc. were very personal and potentially insulting (implying that the number of kids they have is not enough, person could have had a lot of trouble conceiving, etc.)

 

Now, I will grant you that (long depressing story short) I am not very good at societal norms nor realizing that what I think I'm communicating is not always how people interrupt it. That being said, I realized why I thought those questions were fine: because I am asked them and I am not offended by them. In the past 3 weeks I have been asked by a person I had just met if we were going to try for another kid. And last Sunday my new neighbor asked if we were going to try for a girl (we have two boys.) Now, my pregnancies were both difficult, my life and the baby's were in danger both times, and I'm on a medication that I would have to go off if we did start trying again. But I did not consider these questions to be insulting or two personal. As a matter of fact, I do want a little girl.

 

But the old thread made me think that I'm in the minority by not being put off. So my question is, what questions are acceptable to you? If I were to meet you at a playground, what would you want to share with me?

 

Although i think those questions are common, I still most often think they are inappropriate. If we are close friends, having an intimate conversation, then yes, it's fine, but if you're a lady at the park, making conversation, then no - I don't want to discuss those things. It doesn't happen as often now, but when my youngest was a baby, I would frequently get comments from people that surmised he was an unplanned "caboose" child, because he's 5 years younger than the next one up. The reality is that we had some tragedy in those years between CW and MC; not that he snuck up and surprised us. Although, even if he had snuck up and surprised us, would that make him a less desirable child?

 

That's the one that bothers me, but I have five girls.

 

This was true for my mom, too. She had four girls before she had a boy, and even he is five years younger than the youngest girl, so it was always, always comments on "trying for a boy" After he was born, it was always, always comments on "So you finally got your boy..." which drove my mom crazy! She also got a lot of "adoption" questions because when we were little, we looked remarkably unalike. (None of us are adopted.) People would say, "But why did you adopt all girls?" :rolleyes: People are weird.

[joannqn]

I have four. I get comments about having two of each being a wonderful balance. Back when my youngest was a newborn, I answered the question about having more with, "Well, I do have another seat in the van..." Now I just say, "Probably not."