Opinions and thoughts needed, please! (Longish)

[Jean in Newcastle]

However, in our case, if you bring up the California Child Support Calculator and plug in our incomes and that I have the kids one weekend per month... even if my income were to double right now, it would still show that I do not owe child support. I'm not making that up. I just wonder in this economy would a judge hear that I am making $300 at a local retail store and potentially doubling that and then say to get a third job? I doubt it. As I said, even if my income doubles, I still don't come up as owing child support. Can not my children feel supported if when I spend time with them, I get them things they like or want? Can they not feel loved no matter how much money I make? Of course they can.... I just wonder what makes it seem that I am negating responsibility here...

 

Bee - it sounds like they are getting these messages from your xh and his (wife?) and are buying into it. I think that over time they will see that you do love them very much and have sacrificed a lot for them over the years. :grouphug::grouphug:

[Joanne]

However, in our case, if you bring up the California Child Support Calculator and plug in our incomes and that I have the kids one weekend per month... even if my income were to double right now, it would still show that I do not owe child support. I'm not making that up. I just wonder in this economy would a judge hear that I am making $300 at a local retail store and potentially doubling that and then say to get a third job? I doubt it. As I said, even if my income doubles, I still don't come up as owing child support. Can not my children feel supported if when I spend time with them, I get them things they like or want? Can they not feel loved no matter how much money I make? Of course they can.... I just wonder what makes it seem that I am negating responsibility here...

 

I am not commenting on whether *you* are negating responsibility.

 

However, you have 5 children in their Dad's custody and you are not paying child support. If the genders were reversed, this board and most of the US would be livid.

 

When my xh was unemployed (let's assume he was out of work, and not trying to not work ;)), he was still ordered to pay $400 for 3 kids. I honestly thought that was low.

 

I've observed that trying to quantify things by who pays for clothes, food, haircuts, etc, is cumbersome at best.

[Carol in Cal.]

Here's the thing. Child support is not logical, ever. Child custody hardly ever is.

 

I agree with others who say that you should not contact your XH without consulting an attorney first. You can really, really get yourself in trouble that way.

 

Also, it might be that the children really didn't say anything about this to the step-mom. I don't know that I would take her word for this at this point.

 

The issue of whether you should be contributing to their support is separate from these other issues. It's really important to keep them all straight, and not overlapping.

[Medstudent]

I am not commenting on whether *you* are negating responsibility.

 

However, you have 5 children in their Dad's custody and you are not paying child support. If the genders were reversed, this board and most of the US would be livid.

 

When my xh was unemployed (let's assume he was out of work, and not trying to not work ;)), he was still ordered to pay $400 for 3 kids. I honestly thought that was low.

 

I've observed that trying to quantify things by who pays for clothes, food, haircuts, etc, is cumbersome at best.

 

Exactly. It's not about whether or not you "support" your kids. I'm sure you love them, worry about them, and buy them things as you are able when you visit. But as Joanne says, if the roles were reversed, everyone would agree that your husband had a responsibility regardless of his home situation or lack of a job. When you become a parent, you are legally bound to financially support your children until they are adult and can support themselves- period. Stepchildren with special needs unfortunately don't count in that equation, and the judge/your ex husband can always make the argument that your primary responsibility is to your biological children, and that you should be doing whatever you can- working full-time, or whatever- in order to give them financial support. You have to separate the emotions from the rational, legal perspective. On a human level, you're probably right, and I feel for you. Your kids are obviously well-taken care of and you support them in every way but through money. You also feel a responsibility toward your step kids, and I'm guessing you spend some of the time you could be out working, homeschooling them/afterschooling them instead. However, a judge could easily tell you that these kids aren't your problem- neither financially nor time-wise- but your biological kids are.

Remember that this isn't personal. It's the law. The only way to fight this is through the law. It sounds like you and your xh made a lot of decisions and agreements verbally and based on what was "fair". Unfortunately, that doesn't count.

[JulieH]

I am not commenting on whether *you* are negating responsibility.

 

However, you have 5 children in their Dad's custody and you are not paying child support. If the genders were reversed, this board and most of the US would be livid.

 

When my xh was unemployed (let's assume he was out of work, and not trying to not work ;)), he was still ordered to pay $400 for 3 kids. I honestly thought that was low.

 

I've observed that trying to quantify things by who pays for clothes, food, haircuts, etc, is cumbersome at best.

 

I agree with the bolded. Also, you've mentioned a few times about the lifestyle of your ex and his girlfriend. You cannot expect a judge to look at their entire household without expecting him to look at YOUR entire household..NOT just your $300, but your income AND dh. It sounds maybe irrelevant since your ex has a girlfriend and not a wife. Her income doesn't matter.

 

It just doesn't work that way.

 

You asked for thoughts and opinions. My thoughts and opinion are that while I know you clearly love your step children, your first responsibility needs to be to your five biological kids who you've allowed to live with their dad, which includes getting a full time job if need be and if ordered to pay child support. Child support has *nothing* to do with "getting them things they like or want" and it isn't whether or not they "feel supported". The issue IS supporting them, which you have a legal responsibility to do.

 

It sounds like you're really worried and as my mama always said "borrowing trouble" which hasn't happened yet.

 

I also really feel for you. It cannot be an easy situation. At the same time, it *sounds* almost like you're more committed to the stepkids than your bio kids. I say "sounds" because I don't have step kids and really don't know how torn you must feel since I haven't been in that boat.

 

You have five kids living with your ex. You should pay child support. If you weren't a woman, everyone here would be hands down insisting on that. Would it really kill your family budget to send $75 or so a month or 25% of your income to support your kids? You're married. It's not "his" and "hers". It's OURS. Whether or not the ex NEEDS it is irrelevant.

 

Again, you asked for opinions and thoughts, please...so, those are mine. NOT trying to be harsh.

[YLVD]

My kids used to live with me. Their dad paid child support. He made about $60,000 per year and I made about $300 a month. Child support never fully covered costs of raising kids, of course.

 

I believe (my opinion, cannot be verified) that he figures I spent the money on myself and not the kids (he did tell his mom that and she told me) and he must have thought that if he could get the kids to live with him and not pay child support, he would be making more money... Doesn't work out that way. They live with him and his money lady (she makes at least twice as much as he does, although that cannot be verified, either... but, it all adds up) now... and they realize that it costs more to provide for all the kids than what he had to pay in child support.

 

They have spoken about child support with my children. My children supposedly want to know why mom doesn't pay child support because dad always had to pay... why am I not giving them money?

 

My basic needs are met by my dh. I still make $300 a month and I use that to pay my own bills... my cell phone, fuel in my own vehicle and other bills like the dentist. I currently owe about $2700 in bills (dentist, attorney, etc) that I pay on.

 

I do have an attorney to turn for if necessary.

 

I just wonder... what the heck can they be thinking? Do they think a judge would turn to a mom who has no career, but who works part time and take her $300 away? I know I will ask my lawyer, but I just wonder... I cannot work full time because I am married and my stepsons have high needs. They cannot be at home alone. Wouldn't a judge (if my story is true and verifiable, which it is) tell the other parents (who make multiple times what we do) that they can be thankful to have the kids and back off... or give the kids back to me and pay child support? Would a judge tell me that I have to go to work full time? That makes NO sense when the kids are currently WELL provided for. They have all the food they need... they have their own bedrooms... they have plans to go out of the country on vacation, for heaven's sake (I've been asked to meet them at the post office to sign passwork papers!) Why the heck can't they leave my $300 alone? Am I not allowed to meet my own needs?

 

So... sorry so long... opinions???? Anyone with experience in this lately???? Thoughts, outside of me retaining my attorney? (My dh would gladly pay for that... and he makes LESS than my ex husband's partner)

 

Thanks... I usually hesitate to post about personal information.... but the reason I don't isn't valid right now...

 

Thanks.

 

No way would a judge do that.

 

This sounds harsh but you both are parents and both are responsible for those kids.

 

My ex owes $18000 in child support. Regardless of what I make and what he makes, he should be providing. I make little right now but that isn't the point.

 

The court will order you to pay something.

 

I agree that if the roles were reversed, we would be very harsh on the dad. I know that I would be. Gender should not play a role in this at all.

[YLVD]

However, in our case, if you bring up the California Child Support Calculator and plug in our incomes and that I have the kids one weekend per month... even if my income were to double right now, it would still show that I do not owe child support. I'm not making that up. I just wonder in this economy would a judge hear that I am making $300 at a local retail store and potentially doubling that and then say to get a third job? I doubt it. As I said, even if my income doubles, I still don't come up as owing child support. Can not my children feel supported if when I spend time with them, I get them things they like or want? Can they not feel loved no matter how much money I make? Of course they can.... I just wonder what makes it seem that I am negating responsibility here...

 

Even when people are unemployed, they are generally ordered to pay or have to provide proof of search for employment and regular visits to court to confirm.

 

That may not be everywhere but that was my experience in both CA and Washington state, where I currently reside. My ex owes so much in back support because he was unemployed but it still racked up.

 

Look at it this way. My ex has been unemployed often, for various reasons. He also had two more children with his current wife. I did not have the luxury of not paying money to support my child. He can't just decide that he can't either, due to unemployment, etc.

Edited August 10, 2011 by YLVD

[Rosy]

Thanks, Betty. I just figured that out now.

 

I put in making $8/hr. working a 40 hour week and that would put me at paying $530 monthly child support when I only make $300. I really doubt it would work out that way in court. Seriously. I just don't see that happening.

 

So, I will get an attorney to verify some of this stuff and make out a proposition for me to handle this with...

 

Thanks!

I don't mean to be cold, but your math isn't adding up for me. Maybe I'm missing something?

 

40 hrs/week x 4 weeks/month x $8/hr = $1280

Working 25 hours a week and making $300 means you're making $3/hr, which isn't legal.

 

Honestly? Whether it seems fair or not, you may need to come up with a way to chip in, whether that means figuring out a way to get more income or sharing responsibilities with your husband. Only you can figure out what will work best in your situation. Paying for lunches out and buying clothes isn't the same as contributing to their needs.

 

Again, maybe I'm missing something--I read some and skimmed some, so there may be an explanation I missed for how the numbers add up.

 

If you are unable to work because you are providing care for your stepsons, I think you can expect your husband to help pay for your kids' needs. You may even be required to factor his salary into your child support payments. I know when I was in college I had to factor in the income of all working persons in the household for financial aid purposes--including my mom's boyfriend (now my stepfather). I would definitely be starting with your lawyer or someone at the state who knows the child support laws and is able to advise you.

 

I hope you're able to find a clear and workable path forward.

Edited August 10, 2011 by Rosy

[Rivka]

I think there are two courts in which this case is going to be tried: family court, and the court of your kids' feelings.

 

If your ex sues you for support and it comes before a court of law, you may or may not be required to get a job so that you can pay support. "I plugged my income and what I thought my potential income could be into a child support calculator, and came up with nothing" may be a valid argument for family court.

 

In the court of your kids' feelings, it's a different matter. If they are genuinely wondering why you don't contribute to their support (and I think you need to have a conversation with them about it ASAP to find out if they really are concerned, or whether your ex's girlfriend is just stirring the pot), then "I'm not legally required to contribute to your support" is not likely to satisfy them. "I'm too busy with my new kids to get a job" is probably not going to satisfy them either.

[JulieH]

I don't mean to be cold, but your math isn't adding up for me. Maybe I'm missing something?

 

40 hrs/week x 4 weeks/month x $8/hr = $1280

Working 25 hours a week and making $300 means you're making $3/hr, which isn't legal.

 

Honestly? Whether it seems fair or not, you may need to come up with a way to chip in, whether that means figuring out a way to get more income or sharing responsibilities with your husband. Only you can figure out what will work best in your situation. Paying for lunches out and buying clothes isn't the same as contributing to their needs.

 

Again, maybe I'm missing something--I read some and skimmed some, so there may be an explanation I missed for how the numbers add up.

 

If you are unable to work because you are providing care for your stepsons, I think you can expect your husband to help pay for your kids' needs. You may even be required to factor his salary into your child support payments. I know when I was in college I had to factor in the income of all working persons in the household for financial aid purposes--including my mom's boyfriend (now my stepfather). I would definitely be starting with your lawyer or someone at the state who knows the child support laws and is able to advise you.

 

I hope you're able to find a clear and workable path forward.

 

Also, if you can afford to "buy them things they like or want" (your words in a previous post), then you should be able to afford to pay some kind of child support.

 

]I think there are two courts in which this case is going to be tried: family court' date=' and the court of your kids' feelings.[/b']

 

If your ex sues you for support and it comes before a court of law, you may or may not be required to get a job so that you can pay support. "I plugged my income and what I thought my potential income could be into a child support calculator, and came up with nothing" may be a valid argument for family court.

 

In the court of your kids' feelings, it's a different matter. If they are genuinely wondering why you don't contribute to their support (and I think you need to have a conversation with them about it ASAP to find out if they really are concerned, or whether your ex's girlfriend is just stirring the pot), then "I'm not legally required to contribute to your support" is not likely to satisfy them. "I'm too busy with my new kids to get a job" is probably not going to satisfy them either.

:iagree:

[ezrabean2005]

I am not commenting on whether *you* are negating responsibility.

 

However, you have 5 children in their Dad's custody and you are not paying child support. If the genders were reversed, this board and most of the US would be livid.

 

When my xh was unemployed (let's assume he was out of work, and not trying to not work ;)), he was still ordered to pay $400 for 3 kids. I honestly thought that was low.

 

I've observed that trying to quantify things by who pays for clothes, food, haircuts, etc, is cumbersome at best.

:iagree: You said this so much better than I tried to.

[mommaduck]

Honestly, if you only pay a small amount, even if it means skipping on some of the goodies, that would mean something to the kids.

[BMW]

***Rosy, you are right about the numbers. I took my earning potential. I was offered UP TO 25 hours a week, but oftentimes don't get that many and my take home averages $300 a month (sometimes it's lower).***

 

My ex has a legally filed "partnership" with his girlfriend, who he has lived with for 4 years.

 

I have been married for 3 years.

 

All children lived with me for 3 and 4 years (some moved out a year ago, a couple just moved out). During those years, they lived with their stepbrothers. We moved into my husbands home, expanded best we could, invaded these young boys lives and when I have asked for parenting advice here regarding these boys who lost their mom to cancer and had very challenging behavior problems, I was advised how these were not "my kids" and "his kids" and that they were all "mine" and how to be a good step parent. This isn't new. My husband spent way more money on my kids (because there were a lot more of them!) than his own two boys. Now that they live with their dad, stepsons are suddenly dh's kids.... I just don't get that... I understand that we are talking legally... But, no, I don't think that my children living with their father should be upset if I spend time or money on my stepsons when they are the ones living with me. It doesn't mean I am not spending money on my own children. I also have two other biological children and I help DaisyMommy with my dear grandson (we have coffee, she comes over a couple days a week) and I have once gone out and bought her $25 in groceries that was very much needed. I have a daughter in college and when she comes for a visit, I often pick her up undies or sox... little things I can afford. Why can I not support my other children the same way?

 

In the legal aspect of it, I really, really gave this deep thought. Yes, you are right in that I have to shelve emotions and fairness. I have to ask myself what you are asking and that is if I were the man... if I were the dad. If I weren't the mom who stayed home and taught for 15 years... right? It's as if nothing I ever did until now matters, right? Yep.

 

The child support calculator says I don't owe child support. And I am still picking up a vibe that I should be setting aside money to give to the children so that they know I am supporting them financially. My children's opinion and view of me does matter.

 

One of them did bring up the support to ex and girlfriend. She wants me to buy her a new digital camera because the one I gave her broke. I told her that I couldn't afford it right now. (I was thinking I could get it for her birthday in October) Then I changed the subject and asked if she was going to come visit me for a day this coming weekend (I've spent one day with her in 4 months) and she said that she was too busy, it was the last weekend before school starts and she wanted to see friends. So... she wants me to spend money on a camera, but she wont see me for a few hours one day because she is too busy... Okay. So, she goes to the parents and asks if they have more money with me paying child support and why don't I pay child support. Then when I drop off one son who spent a week with me and pick up another son, ex's girlfriend tells me that they will not honor the agreement to pay the dental bill and when am I going to start paying child support and that "one of my children" came to them asking, etc. In the end, it was spoken which child brought this up... and why.

 

It doesn't matter what money I make or what bills I have or that they still owe me. It doesn't matter. Hey, I can give them $25.00 this week and say that I paid for 25% of one of her pairs of jeans for the school year. Yep, that'll work. Then I'll help my step son who has no new jeans get ready for school and tell him he's not really my son, so it doesn't matter. Yep, that'll work.

 

OKAY. I WOULD NOT DO THAT. That's just how I feel.

 

Well... anything else I could say would just be dripping with my frustration, so I'd better just stop.

 

I do agree with you. I'm just not very happy. Doesn't mean I don't love my kids. Doesn't mean I don't think I am responsible for them. I am just tired of being lied to by ex and I should have seen this coming. I will stick with legal consultation for now and in the meantime when I see my children, I will get them things that they would like, etc. until this "comes out in the wash".

 

Oh, when I asked for the arrears to be paid, ex and his girlfriend sat down the children and told them, "Your mom is going to ruin your summer. She is insisting that we pay her money that we don't owe and if she continues, all our plans for the summer will not happen and it's because your mom is after our money." When they put my kids in the middle like that, I agreed if they would pay the dental bill, I'd drop the arrears and they said they would not ask for child support...

 

Grrr.

Edited August 10, 2011 by BMW

[lionfamily1999]

Ime, they will take a portion of what you would make working 40 hours a week at a minimum wage job, at the very least.

 

Reasons don't matter, ime.

[Wheres Toto]

:grouphug:

I would not offer anything not required by a court agreement. Force them to file for child support, at which point the arrears will come up. If they file, they can't blame it on you with the kids. It sounds like they are using all kinds of threats to get you to give more and more money that probably wouldn't be required by the courts. If you do send child support, the kids may not even know about it unless you give it to them directly.

 

Sounds like you have a case for alienation of affection.

 

Edited to add:

At least around here an unemployed parent continues to pay child support based on unemployment pay being considered income. If there is no reason to suspect malingering - the unemployment pay is the new income base. If honest attempts to find work are being made, child support will be adjusted or suspended until employment is found. The idea is to have both parents contributing to the support of their children but it is not intended to have one parent living in poverty.

Edited August 10, 2011 by dottieanna29

[elegantlion]

((Bee)) :grouphug: and a virtual tissue. :grouphug:

[Pretty in Pink]

Obviously this is a very emotional issue for you. I really cannot imagine what you are going through. My heart goes out to you, BMW. :grouphug:

 

All of the double talk between ex, girlfriend, and children has got to stop. And why are you all not honoring the court agreement ordering the children to spend a specific amount of time with you each month? There is no good reason not to have seen your child in four months. NONE. That is going to matter to that child when she is grown. Perhaps right now she is throwing a fit and saying she would rather hang out with a girlfriend or whatever. So what? That is *your* time with *your* kid. Take it back.

 

And, yes, it is important that your children know that you contribute financially. IMO you do need to be doing that, and that doesn't include taking them to the movie or buying a pair of flip flops when they visit.

[BMW]

I don't understand how I am putting my stepson's needs ahead of my children's needs. How am I doing that? I work part time and I have the potential of doubling my hours/income when the boys are in school. When my income doubles it still shows that I do not owe child support.

 

I do not pay for my stepsons things/bills. Their dad does. I try to keep our finances separate so that I cannot be accused of doing this very thing.

 

When I said my son has no new jeans, that refers to my stepson. I should have made that clear. My stepsons have what they need. Their needs are met and my own children's needs are met as well.

 

I spend very little of my personal funds on my stepsons. They do influence how much I earn over the summer... so, maybe it would make sense for me to spend more on my own children during the months that I make more (I have spoken in general in this entire thread) to make up for when I work less because the boys are out of school. You know, I do understand. When I received child support, it continued in the summer when the boys would visit their dad for a couple weeks... because the bills continued. I get that it goes both ways.

 

I will say again, you have all given me some points to really evaluate and consider and I although I don't like aspects of it all.... that's not what matters. In the end, I am solid with most of my kids and I need to help them in their lifetime, regardless of where they live.

 

Once again, I think this has to go before a judge and get a fair decision based on arrears that were owed to me, the agreement that has now been gone back on and to set down the rules moving forward. If the judge sees that I could double my income and would be willing to do that and he plugs those numbers in and I owe no monthly payment, I assure you that I will still take my very own kids out and buy things that they want for them... I will still do whatever I can to support their dreams and goals...

[BMW]

Pretty in Pink,

The agreement is that the children spend one weekend with me per month and 2-3 weeks of the summer. Then they were enrolled in a college class at their local college over the summer and were "unable to come" and I got to have one boy for 10 days and one boy for 6 days. Yes, I need to take back my time with my kids.

 

The one that I haven't seen is because... she came for spring break, broke rules, snuck out, lied over and over, broke more rules,... she lied a whole lot more and snuck back over our fence at 1:45 am...

 

I said that I would rather her not come for overnight visits, but that I'd love to hang out with her on days that I pick up or drop off the siblings until her behavior changes. I've gone to stay overnight where they live and visited with her one weekend.

 

I've shared how glad I am to get the perspectives given here and will gladly contribute when it all gets worked out. In the meantime, I will contribute what I can to my children's goals and dreams... they know that.

 

Even though it doesn't matter, the flip flops were expensive... lol.

Edited August 10, 2011 by BMW

[lionfamily1999]

Bee, ime, they will make the arrears get paid to you and still require you to pay at least a percentage of what you would make working full time at a minimum wage job. I think they do this, because there were so many parents that stopped working in order to avoid paying support. They started applying this to mothers, because too many fathers were getting burned by special treatment afforded their ex-wives.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. :grouphug: And you know what? Treating your step children as if they were your biological children is a-okay in my book. They need you to be their mamma and WAY TO GO for stepping up to that. When families break up and children scatter it is incredibly hard, if not impossible, to keep the parent-child relationship the same way it was before. It sounds, to me, like you're doing what you can to still be Mom to your children while adjusting to a life where being their mother doesn't mean that you get to be there to mother them. :grouphug:

[Audrey]

I really think you need to stop guessing and speculating and contact your attorney. Stop plugging numbers into some calculator. Those things are NOT legal contracts. They are not a judge's decsision. They are guesses. Nothing more. You are far too emotional over this to be objective. That is the attorney's job. I fear that you are going to say or do something that will backfire on you if you continue down this path. ANY communication that you have with your ex, his girlfriend or the kids regarding child support can come back to bite you in the behind.

 

Just talk to your attorney and let them handle it.

[BMW]

Hear! Hear! Well said, Audrey!!

 

Will do.:)

[Slartibartfast]

Obviously this is a very emotional issue for you. I really cannot imagine what you are going through. My heart goes out to you, BMW. :grouphug:

 

All of the double talk between ex, girlfriend, and children has got to stop. And why are you all not honoring the court agreement ordering the children to spend a specific amount of time with you each month? There is no good reason not to have seen your child in four months. NONE. That is going to matter to that child when she is grown. Perhaps right now she is throwing a fit and saying she would rather hang out with a girlfriend or whatever. So what? That is *your* time with *your* kid. Take it back.

 

And, yes, it is important that your children know that you contribute financially. IMO you do need to be doing that, and that doesn't include taking them to the movie or buying a pair of flip flops when they visit.

 

I really think you need to stop guessing and speculating and contact your attorney. Stop plugging numbers into some calculator. Those things are NOT legal contracts. They are not a judge's decsision. They are guesses. Nothing more. You are far too emotional over this to be objective. That is the attorney's job. I fear that you are going to say or do something that will backfire on you if you continue down this path. ANY communication that you have with your ex, his girlfriend or the kids regarding child support can come back to bite you in the behind.

 

Just talk to your attorney and let them handle it.

 

:iagree:

 

You need to stop discussing it with them and making agreements that are not in writing or court approved. No agreements can pass between you with informing the courts.

 

This is going to cause a heap of trouble.

[JulieH]

I really think you need to stop guessing and speculating and contact your attorney. Stop plugging numbers into some calculator. Those things are NOT legal contracts. They are not a judge's decsision. They are guesses. Nothing more. You are far too emotional over this to be objective. That is the attorney's job. I fear that you are going to say or do something that will backfire on you if you continue down this path. ANY communication that you have with your ex, his girlfriend or the kids regarding child support can come back to bite you in the behind.

 

Just talk to your attorney and let them handle it.

 

:iagree: TOTALLY! You are *really* emotional ..and understandably so. Heck, I say that as *I* have been *extremely* emotional for the past week over a very stressful situation in my own life, thinking of all the "what ifs" and what would be right, wrong, fair etc. In my own situation, in the end, it's going to be what it's going to be and how I "feel" or what I "think" doesn't matter one single bit. It sucks, but I have to live with it.

 

Furthermore, in your own BEST interest and that of your kids, while this is probably a good outlet for you, it is NOT a good idea to be putting this all out there on the internet. Your posts link to your blog. Your identity is probably not anonymous. You've already mentioned in another post of yours on another thread how you were letting your son read all the responses (not about this subject but about something he did or something..can't remember exactly)...so at *least* ONE of your children knows that you post on here. Any good attorney will tell you that putting it all out in the net probably isn't wise.

 

I would urge you to think about this and protect yourself and your family. Run..don't walk..to your attorney and consult with him/her. When you do, if you have a good attorney, you'll likely feel much better.

 

It's so hard to let go of a situation. I have an attorney that I trust for mine, and yet, still, I lay awake at night thinking of the "imaginary horribles" ,as a friend used to say.

 

I really hope everything works out for you all.

[Pretty in Pink]

I don't understand how I am putting my stepson's needs ahead of my children's needs. How am I doing that? I work part time and I have the potential of doubling my hours/income when the boys are in school. When my income doubles it still shows that I do not owe child support.

 

 

I think that what is being gotten at is that if you worked full-time at minimum wage you would be making more than 600.00 per month. You'd be making, what, at least double that. I got the impression somewhere along the lines that the reason you aren't seeking full-time employment is because you have chosen to make yourself available to care for your teenage stepchildren. I'm not judging you for that. I think it's wonderful to treat them as you would your own children. Really. My dh is my eldest's stepdad, so I get where you are coming from.

 

I think the point is that your legal obligation is to contribute financially towards the upbringing of your own biological children. A judge may very well look at your current situation and decide that you are placing the needs of your stepsons above your financial obligation to your own children. It would be different if you adopted your stepsons, but I didn't glean that you had (and I haven't read every response in this thread, so maybe I missed something along the way).

 

I'm not trying to be harsh. I hope it doesn't come across that way. My heart is breaking for you. :grouphug:

[YLVD]

***Rosy, you are right about the numbers. I took my earning potential. I was offered UP TO 25 hours a week, but oftentimes don't get that many and my take home averages $300 a month (sometimes it's lower).***

 

My ex has a legally filed "partnership" with his girlfriend, who he has lived with for 4 years.

 

I have been married for 3 years.

 

All children lived with me for 3 and 4 years (some moved out a year ago, a couple just moved out). During those years, they lived with their stepbrothers. We moved into my husbands home, expanded best we could, invaded these young boys lives and when I have asked for parenting advice here regarding these boys who lost their mom to cancer and had very challenging behavior problems, I was advised how these were not "my kids" and "his kids" and that they were all "mine" and how to be a good step parent. This isn't new. My husband spent way more money on my kids (because there were a lot more of them!) than his own two boys. Now that they live with their dad, stepsons are suddenly dh's kids.... I just don't get that... I understand that we are talking legally... But, no, I don't think that my children living with their father should be upset if I spend time or money on my stepsons when they are the ones living with me. It doesn't mean I am not spending money on my own children. I also have two other biological children and I help DaisyMommy with my dear grandson (we have coffee, she comes over a couple days a week) and I have once gone out and bought her $25 in groceries that was very much needed. I have a daughter in college and when she comes for a visit, I often pick her up undies or sox... little things I can afford. Why can I not support my other children the same way?

 

In the legal aspect of it, I really, really gave this deep thought. Yes, you are right in that I have to shelve emotions and fairness. I have to ask myself what you are asking and that is if I were the man... if I were the dad. If I weren't the mom who stayed home and taught for 15 years... right? It's as if nothing I ever did until now matters, right? Yep.

 

The child support calculator says I don't owe child support. And I am still picking up a vibe that I should be setting aside money to give to the children so that they know I am supporting them financially. My children's opinion and view of me does matter.

 

One of them did bring up the support to ex and girlfriend. She wants me to buy her a new digital camera because the one I gave her broke. I told her that I couldn't afford it right now. (I was thinking I could get it for her birthday in October) Then I changed the subject and asked if she was going to come visit me for a day this coming weekend (I've spent one day with her in 4 months) and she said that she was too busy, it was the last weekend before school starts and she wanted to see friends. So... she wants me to spend money on a camera, but she wont see me for a few hours one day because she is too busy... Okay. So, she goes to the parents and asks if they have more money with me paying child support and why don't I pay child support. Then when I drop off one son who spent a week with me and pick up another son, ex's girlfriend tells me that they will not honor the agreement to pay the dental bill and when am I going to start paying child support and that "one of my children" came to them asking, etc. In the end, it was spoken which child brought this up... and why.

 

It doesn't matter what money I make or what bills I have or that they still owe me. It doesn't matter. Hey, I can give them $25.00 this week and say that I paid for 25% of one of her pairs of jeans for the school year. Yep, that'll work. Then I'll help my step son who has no new jeans get ready for school and tell him he's not really my son, so it doesn't matter. Yep, that'll work.

 

OKAY. I WOULD NOT DO THAT. That's just how I feel.

 

Well... anything else I could say would just be dripping with my frustration, so I'd better just stop.

 

I do agree with you. I'm just not very happy. Doesn't mean I don't love my kids. Doesn't mean I don't think I am responsible for them. I am just tired of being lied to by ex and I should have seen this coming. I will stick with legal consultation for now and in the meantime when I see my children, I will get them things that they would like, etc. until this "comes out in the wash".

 

Oh, when I asked for the arrears to be paid, ex and his girlfriend sat down the children and told them, "Your mom is going to ruin your summer. She is insisting that we pay her money that we don't owe and if she continues, all our plans for the summer will not happen and it's because your mom is after our money." When they put my kids in the middle like that, I agreed if they would pay the dental bill, I'd drop the arrears and they said they would not ask for child support...

 

Grrr.

 

Because children need more than underwear and socks.

[Annie Anne]

You might be ordered to seek more gainful employment.

Can they do that?

And won't they consider your current husband's income in what you can pay?

Hope they leave you alone and stop talking to your kids about it.

[Joanne]

Can they do that?

And won't they consider your current husband's income in what you can pay?

Hope they leave you alone and stop talking to your kids about it.

 

Courts can require a level of child support that, if the non custodial parent wishes to be compliant with the law, will basically dictate a job. A court will not honor a choice to be at home. They don't with a non-custodial Dad, for example, and won't for a non-custodial Mom.

 

Courts will not "use" or "consider" the income of a new spouse.

[meggie]

I really think you need to stop guessing and speculating and contact your attorney. Stop plugging numbers into some calculator. Those things are NOT legal contracts. They are not a judge's decsision. They are guesses. Nothing more. You are far too emotional over this to be objective. That is the attorney's job. I fear that you are going to say or do something that will backfire on you if you continue down this path. ANY communication that you have with your ex, his girlfriend or the kids regarding child support can come back to bite you in the behind.

 

Just talk to your attorney and let them handle it.

:iagree:

Sounds like your ex is a big jerk. I would say more, but that might get me banned. I understand where you're coming from. My dad has tried pulling some really stupid crap with my mom and against our advice she went along with it. :banghead: I told her not to complain to me when he broke his end of the bargain. Surprise, surprise, he did break it. I hope you've learned your lesson too.

 

Don't do anything that's not in a legally binding document. Don't worry about things until they actually come up. In all honesty, it sounds as if you've been giving in to try and keep your children from being in the middle of it. And it sounds as if at least one of your children (the lying, sneaking out, new camera, etc I can't remember if that was the same girl) is trying to play you off each other. I don't think that continuing on and trying to be the peacemaker is going to work anymore. Kids do that when their parents are together, it's probably easier when they're divorced. It sounds like no matter what you do, your spouse will try to manipulate them and blame you. I don't think you have any way of changing that.

[Rosie_0801]

The one that I haven't seen is because... she came for spring break, broke rules, snuck out, lied over and over, broke more rules,... she lied a whole lot more and snuck back over our fence at 1:45 am...

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

By the sounds of it, little you do or don't do is going to please this one. You'll have to wait until she grows up. Hopefully she does, eventually.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Rosie

[Tammyla]

:iagree:

 

I really think you need to stop guessing and speculating and contact your attorney. Stop plugging numbers into some calculator. Those things are NOT legal contracts. They are not a judge's decsision. They are guesses. Nothing more. You are far too emotional over this to be objective. That is the attorney's job. I fear that you are going to say or do something that will backfire on you if you continue down this path. ANY communication that you have with your ex, his girlfriend or the kids regarding child support can come back to bite you in the behind.

 

Just talk to your attorney and let them handle it.

[Annie Anne]

Courts can require a level of child support that, if the non custodial parent wishes to be compliant with the law, will basically dictate a job. A court will not honor a choice to be at home. They don't with a non-custodial Dad, for example, and won't for a non-custodial Mom.

 

Courts will not "use" or "consider" the income of a new spouse.

Put that way it makes sense. Thanks for the clarification.