Would you want to know

[Miss Marple]

if your under 18 year olds were found alone together in a bedroom with the lights off (not on the bed, though)?

 

We have a large home and frequently have youth functions. There is a young couple (age 15.5 and 16) who have been involved for a couple of years. The young lady's parents are trying to limit the extent of the involvement because things are moving so quickly. Both families go to our church and I know that they do not condone any "activity" between the kids at this point.

 

In a conversation today, one of my boys mentioned that they had been found in his bedroom by the bf of the girl's sister. He mumbled "oh, crap!" as he ran up the stairs to pull them out.

 

So here's the rub - my boys don't want to be known as tattlers and they would not have mentioned it except it fit into the conversation we were having (it was general and this was a specific example of what we were talking about).

 

If it were my son, I would want to know. I would use it as an opportunity to talk about appropriate behavior when a guest at another person's home as well as proper behavior with the opposite sex. But I have been know to be a little weird....hence, my question, "would you want to know"? It is possible that the parents have already been told.

 

Would you mention it to the parents?

[bettyandbob]

I probably wouldn't.

 

Your son handled the situation.

 

I'd just leave it.

[MamaAkins]

Yes, I would want to know. Also, I think if you are the parent hosting these group events, you have an obligation to make sure that all guests are in a safe environment. You should establish "house rules" and let these kids know that they will need to follow the rules when at your home.

[swellmomma]

Yes, I would want to know. Also, I think if you are the parent hosting these group events, you have an obligation to make sure that all guests are in a safe environment. You should establish "house rules" and let these kids know that they will need to follow the rules when at your home.

 

:iagree:

[mommyagain]

Yes, I definitely would want to know.

[Heatherwith4]

I only have littles, but FWIW, I think I'd want to know.

[Chris in VA]

Yes.

But I'd want the news gently broken with no judgement, just matter of fact, and I wouldn't mention who found them.

[Liz CA]

Yes I would have wanted to know. It may be a sign that this *couple* is thinking they can do things while at other people's houses that are clearly not allowed at either of their homes.

While they are under 18, I definitely would pull my ds aside and have a conversation.

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

Yes, I would want to know. Also, I think if you are the parent hosting these group events, you have an obligation to make sure that all guests are in a safe environment. You should establish "house rules" and let these kids know that they will need to follow the rules when at your home.

 

:iagree:

[Miss Marple]

Yes.

But I'd want the news gently broken with no judgement, just matter of fact, and I wouldn't mention who found them.

 

This is what I thought as well. I know each family has their own standards (our families are similar, I believe) but I would share it so that the family could lay some ground rules, if they choose. According to the boys, the couple were simply chatting and had not noticed that it had become dark. They are nice kids...

 

Actually, I thought it might be best coming from dh to the other dads.

[Mommy2BeautifulGirls]

This is what I thought as well. I know each family has their own standards (our families are similar, I believe) but I would share it so that the family could lay some ground rules, if they choose. According to the boys, the couple were simply chatting and had not noticed that it had become dark. They are nice kids...

 

Actually, I thought it might be best coming from dh to the other dads.

 

Ummm... I would think telling the moms would be best. Dad's can WAAAAYYYYY overreact when it comes to their little girls. The boy could be in for a heap of trouble from the girl's dad, which would be a shame if they were really just innocently chatting.

[Pink Fairy]

I would want to know.

[LidiyaDawn]

You know, I think I'd prolly address it with the young couple myself…. I think I'd approach them and say something like "Okay guys, I understand that you were just talking up there but we have a house rule that everyone has to stay on the main floors" (or whatever your set up is).

[Donna]

Yes, I would want to know. Also, I think if you are the parent hosting these group events, you have an obligation to make sure that all guests are in a safe environment. You should establish "house rules" and let these kids know that they will need to follow the rules when at your home.

:iagree:

[twoforjoy]

Yes, I would want to know.

 

Would I want to know? Sure. There are all kinds of things I'd want to know as a parent. I don't think, though, that means that other parents or other people are obligated to provide me with that information or that they necessarily should.

 

For me, my relationship with my own children would supercede making sure another parent knew that their child had broken their rules, especially if I hadn't personally witnessed it and the information about it came second- or third-hand. If my child didn't want me to tell, and it wasn't a matter of physical safety--drug abuse, abusive relationship, suicidal statements, etc.--I wouldn't say anything.

[Saujana]

I agree with everyone else that I would WANT to know.

On the other hand, do you know if the parents already knew about that? Or the hosting parents had already handled that?

[Miss Marple]

You know, I think I'd prolly address it with the young couple myself…. I think I'd approach them and say something like "Okay guys, I understand that you were just talking up there but we have a house rule that everyone has to stay on the main floors" (or whatever your set up is).

 

This is something dh and I discussed as well. I would be very comfortable with this (I know both kids well), but we wondered if the parents would be upset if we didn't say something about it, kwim?

 

We know of 2 situations where things happened that many in the youth group knew was happening, but no one went to the parents. Both situations turned out badly. Both sets of parents were upset that they were not told. One involved drug use and the other ended up in an unplanned pregnancy. However, the current youth group is drastically different than the previous group (new leaders, all new youth). But things can get out of control with 16 year old hormones.

[LauraGB]

I would absolutely want to know. And I'd be less than pleased if a parent didn't tell me.

 

However, that's me.

 

Before I would share the story with their parents, I would weigh the family situation carefully; in some families, it might not be wise to tell. I know that sounds cracked, but in my experience, some people will respond extremely to something like this (which, ftr, I think is pretty typical teenage/relationship behavior, but should be addressed) and exacerbate the problem to degrees I wouldn't wish on any child. And, conversely, some parents might just not want to know, and then I would have gone and blown my children's trust in me for absolutely no good reason. Which is yet another thing to consider; at this age, I want my kids telling me everything. If I told about something as not deadly as this, I would risk my kids withholding information from me in the future - I would need to weigh it carefully before I blabbed.

Edited July 9, 2011 by LauraGB
spelling

[tex-mex]

Yes.

But I'd want the news gently broken with no judgement, just matter of fact, and I wouldn't mention who found them.

:iagree:

Be careful...

[Margo out of lurking]

So here's the rub - my boys don't want to be known as tattlers and they would not have mentioned it except it fit into the conversation we were having (it was general and this was a specific example of what we were talking about).

 

. . .

 

hence, my question, "would you want to know"? It is possible that the parents have already been told.

 

Would you mention it to the parents?

 

Yes, I would definitely want to know if one of the two were a child of mine. It's your responsibility as the host home to make sure the kids' parents are aware of what happened. Both families trusted their child to go to your house, and the kids broke that trust (not only to their own family but to you also).

 

It would also be a big red flag to me that my kids were more concerned about protecting their reputation (to not be "tattlers") than protecting their friends, and respecting what they would know would be rules of your house (even if you never expressly stated that). Maybe it's just me, but I think character comes into play big time here, and I would expect my kids to not be thinking about themselves in this situation.

 

Really. How dare these guests take advantage of your hospitality?

[kalanamak]

Dad's can WAAAAYYYYY overreact when it comes to their little girls.

 

:iagree: Including getting arrested.

[MelanieM]

My kids are still little, so I'm thinking ahead here and trying to imagine myself as the parent in the situation you've presented... I would want to know, yes.

 

In your shoes, I think I would talk to my own kids about the situation first, and explain to them why I wanted to talk to the other parents. I'd let the kids know the consequences of not doing so (how would we feel if something unwanted happened and we could have stepped in to help these kids/parents but didn't, etc.), and get their input on whether they felt their desire to not be seen as tattling outweighed the potential consequences. Because ultimately, it would matter most to me that my kids felt free to talk to me about whatever was happening and understood I could be trusted. I would have to think long and hard about breaking my kids' trust, and what that might mean in my family, before taking something they told me in confidence and sharing it. Now obviously there would be things that would be dangerous enough that I would have to speak up regardless... this situation just might not be one of those times. (Though I would be really hoping a little chat would have my kids admiting that yes, it is more important to discuss this than to hide it for the sake of saving face.)

 

I would also strongly consider having a very explicit house rule policy and making sure that all future guests were very clearly aware of, and agreed to abide by, those rules.

Edited July 10, 2011 by MelanieM

[katilac]

It would also be a big red flag to me that my kids were more concerned about protecting their reputation (to not be "tattlers") than protecting their friends, and respecting what they would know would be rules of your house (even if you never expressly stated that). Maybe it's just me, but I think character comes into play big time here, and I would expect my kids to not be thinking about themselves in this situation.

 

Eh, I don't think that teens not wanting to rat out their friends is "a big red flag" or a sign of moral decay ;). The couple in question were simply talking, so I myself would not feel compelled to somehow step in and "protect" them. This is not like refusing to rat out your friends when you know they're using drugs or planning to run away with a stranger from the internet.

[katilac]

I would make a firm, well-publicized rule that everyone has to be in the public areas of the house, and note that teens who violate the rule will have their parents called to pick them up. And I'd follow throught with the occasion 'sweep' of the house during events.

 

I'd probably not tell the parents, for a few reasons:

 

*I'm assuming this rule wasn't in place when this happened

 

*they were talking, not making out

 

*it's hearsay - you didn't find them, your kids didn't find them

[Granny_Weatherwax]

From recent experience - most parents say they want to know when in reality they would rather live under the banner of 'ignorance is bliss."

[gingersmom]

I would make a firm, well-publicized rule that everyone has to be in the public areas of the house, and note that teens who violate the rule will have their parents called to pick them up. And I'd follow throught with the occasion 'sweep' of the house during events.

 

I'd probably not tell the parents, for a few reasons:

 

*I'm assuming this rule wasn't in place when this happened

 

*they were talking, not making out

 

*it's hearsay - you didn't find them, your kids didn't find them

 

 

:iagree:

 

Did this happen at your house under your supervision? If so I could see the parents turning it around and being mad at you more so than their own children.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Eh, I don't think that teens not wanting to rat out their friends is "a big red flag" or a sign of moral decay ;). The couple in question were simply talking, so I myself would not feel compelled to somehow step in and "protect" them. This is not like refusing to rat out your friends when you know they're using drugs or planning to run away with a stranger from the internet.

:iagree:

[SailorMom]

Eh, I don't think that teens not wanting to rat out their friends is "a big red flag" or a sign of moral decay ;). The couple in question were simply talking, so I myself would not feel compelled to somehow step in and "protect" them. This is not like refusing to rat out your friends when you know they're using drugs or planning to run away with a stranger from the internet.

 

 

Yeah - they were talking..... I'm sorry - but a couple wanting some privacy to talk doens't even seem like something to have a second thought about ... to me anyway.

If the parents have issues with them dating - at all - that is for them to deal with. They knew (I am assuming) that the two would be at the youth group function together.

[kalanamak]

i Both families go to our church and I know that they do not condone any "activity" between the kids at this point.

 

In a conversation today, one of my boys mentioned that they had been found in his bedroom by the bf of the girl's sister. He mumbled "oh, crap!" as he ran up the stairs to pull them out.

Would you mention it to the parents?

 

Okay, by "activity" do you mean talking one on one or holding hands or what.

 

You aren't the only person who knows. By now the girl's sister knows, and all their friends do to.

 

Were they just alone talking or were they in a state of embrace?

 

I'm sure this isn't popular, because I often hear people here being unhappy when anyone does any "parenting" with their child, but at their ages I would be tempted to talk to them, not as children, but as people younger than myself. If they really had just gone someplace private to talk, I would not tell the parents unless it was clearly a sneak, i.e SHE or HE had been forbidden to go to any youth groups where the other was present. If things had progressed so far the parents were forbidding them even being at the same events together, I would tell them.

 

To the kids, I might give a motherly "this is how rumors start, and please be more cautious about reputations -- not only yours, but mine as a hostess".

 

I really, REALLY hope I can trust my child to talk privately to anyone, at that age.

 

I wish you wisdom in this matter.

[Cheryl in NM]

When I've found other people's children doing things I know the parents are against I give the children a deadline to talk to their parents before I talk to them. You can keep your son out of it, but it would be a better lesson if he learned to stand up for what is right. I make sure that I talk to the parents on the deadline and make sure that their kids talk to them. I try to make it so that the kids are present when I talk to the parents, but if it has to be on the phone, then so be it.

 

As the parent of one of the errant teens I would definitely want to know. If the kids are sneaking around they need to be supervised because they haven't learned to control themselves and respect each other enough to keep their hands off each other. They weren't just talking in a dark room, even if they weren't in the bed.

 

The only way I wouldn't tell the parents is if I knew them to be abusive.

[PentecostalMom]

Yes, I would want to know. Also, I think if you are the parent hosting these group events, you have an obligation to make sure that all guests are in a safe environment. You should establish "house rules" and let these kids know that they will need to follow the rules when at your home.

 

:iagree:

 

In addition, if rules are broken, parents will be notified.

[Jen in PA]

You know, I think I'd prolly address it with the young couple myself…. I think I'd approach them and say something like "Okay guys, I understand that you were just talking up there but we have a house rule that everyone has to stay on the main floors" (or whatever your set up is).

 

:iagree: This gives them both benefit-of-the doubt if they were just having a conversation and a heads-up that your home is not the place for canoodling. I would think that is also sets you up as someone who has approached them as more of a caring equal than an authority figure, which keeps you very approachable in case they do end up ever seeking guidance from adults who know their parents but are not actually their parents.... I hope that makes sense. Sometimes teenagers want to bounce ideas and concerns off people who share their parents' values without actually having to broach awkward subjects with their parents. I think this approach allows you to be a positive influence without violating the rules of their own homes.

[jujsky]

I probably wouldn't.

 

Your son handled the situation.

 

I'd just leave it.

 

:iagree:

[Guest momk2000]

Absolutely, I would want to know. I can't imagine what else they might be up to with the lights out, and they don't need to be sitting on the bed. If it's going to happen it will happen anywhere. :001_huh:

[JessicaLady]

If someone is breaking your house rules, doing something you do not want your own children doing in your own house, then yes. I would inform BOTH parents of the event. It needs to be a clear message that certain behavior is not acceptable in your home.

[twoforjoy]

Eh, I don't think that teens not wanting to rat out their friends is "a big red flag" or a sign of moral decay ;). The couple in question were simply talking, so I myself would not feel compelled to somehow step in and "protect" them. This is not like refusing to rat out your friends when you know they're using drugs or planning to run away with a stranger from the internet.

 

This.

 

I think the parent-child relationship needs to be considered here. I would want, as a parent, my child to feel free to talk to me about what is going on in their lives, including what is going on with their friends. And if one of their friends is doing something that I know their parents wouldn't approve of but that isn't clearly dangerous or self-destructive, and my child tells me that in conversation, if I turn around and inform that parent, I feel like I'd be shutting down an important line of communication with my child. If my child is censoring himself or herself because they are afraid that, if they say something, I'm going to turn around and tell on their friend, then that's a problem. And, IMO, it's not a problem with my child, since their role in their friend's life is that of friend, not informant for the parent. It's a problem with me.

 

I'd expect my children to know that there are exceptions. If they told me a friend was abusing drugs, being physically or sexually abused, struggling with seriously problem like an eating disorder or self-injury, or otherwise behaving in ways or dealing with situations that were an immediate, serious threat to their physical well-being, we would have to take action, whether that meant alerting the parents or a counselor or something along those lines. But, I also feel like, before I have any responsibility to inform other parents of their teen child's misbehavior, I have a responsibility to be a safe, trustworthy person for my own children to talk to. And, I think I'd be making that incredibly difficult if I were going to relay information they shared with me to other parents, with the exception of the kind of examples I provided.

 

I don't think this is about being overly worried about one's "reputation." It's about being a friend, not an informant. And it's about being able to talk freely with one's parents--which is a great thing!--without having to worry about whether or not your parent is going to turn around and tell another adult something you told them in confidence (because I think most parent-child conversations are held in some degree of confidence).

 

Maybe I'm just hot and hormonal, but this idea that it's not only fine, but necessary, to turn around and tell a parent something your child told you about their kid, that you didn't witness and that isn't clearly dangerous, and that if your child resists that, that means something bad about them, is just really rubbing me the wrong way.

Edited July 10, 2011 by twoforjoy

[Leonana]

This.

 

I think the parent-child relationship needs to be considered here. I would want, as a parent, my child to feel free to talk to me about what is going on in their lives, including what is going on with their friends. And if one of their friends is doing something that I know their parents wouldn't approve of but that isn't clearly dangerous or self-destructive, and my child tells me that in conversation, if I turn around and inform that parent, I feel like I'd be shutting down an important line of communication with my child. If my child is censoring himself or herself because they are afraid that, if they say something, I'm going to turn around and tell on their friend, then that's a problem. And, IMO, it's not a problem with my child, since their role in their friend's life is that of friend, not informant for the parent. It's a problem with me.

 

I'd expect my children to know that there are exceptions. If they told me a friend was abusing drugs, being physically or sexually abused, struggling with seriously problem like an eating disorder or self-injury, or otherwise behaving in ways or dealing with situations that were an immediate, serious threat to their physical well-being, we would have to take action, whether that meant alerting the parents or a counselor or something along those lines. But, I also feel like, before I have any responsibility to inform other parents of their teen child's misbehavior, I have a responsibility to be a safe, trustworthy person for my own children to talk to. And, I think I'd be making that incredibly difficult if I were going to relay information they shared with me to other parents, with the exception of the kind of examples I provided.

 

I don't think this is about being overly worried about one's "reputation." It's about being a friend, not an informant. And it's about being able to talk freely with one's parents--which is a great thing!--without having to worry about whether or not your parent is going to turn around and tell another adult something you told them in confidence (because I think most parent-child conversations are held in some degree of confidence).

 

Maybe I'm just hot and hormonal, but this idea that it's not only fine, but necessary, to turn around and tell a parent something your child told you about their kid, that you didn't witness and that isn't clearly dangerous, and that if your child resists that, that means something bad about them, is just really rubbing me the wrong way.

 

:iagree: