BakersDozen Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 (edited) I'm shaking. I just sent two emails that I can't believe came from me. We are going to NM for about 2 weeks to the town I grew up in and where my mom lives. Due to my sickness I wasn't sure I would make it so had not made any definite plans. My mom, however, was telling my dc on the phone (she won't talk to me) about what she has planned. I sent her an email that was very cordial and said we need to talk and work out our plans together because I have things I want to do but nothing is set in stone. What I received back was so ugly. Swearing, "teenage talk" like "My bad - NOT!", etc. It shocked me...and it made this woman's anger volcano which has simmered for too long explode. She was told to grow up, act her age, get over herself, and that I will not work with her until she chooses to be civil and pleasant. I then popped off another email that stated that since she obviously is unable to be cordial and chose to see only negative in my initial email that here is a new email: We will make our plans, if you want to join us then fine. However your attitude will not ruin our vacation so if you cannot handle yourself then do NOT plan to see us at.all. I ended it with telling her that if she is going to dish out stuff like she did then she'd better duck because it's coming right back at her, just without the teenage-talk and swearing. So here I sit, shaking like a leaf, wanting to cry, wanting to scream in my frustration. We have to go as we have promised the people whose house we are using to do their paper route and such. This is unbelievable. I need to cry. Was I wrong? I never respond in anger, I wait at least 24 hours and then write a conciliatory email that smoothes the situation over. I'm just done. Edited May 19, 2011 by LuvnMySvn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 :grouphug: Sometimes we need to speak up for ourselves. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hankins3 Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 :grouphug: There is sometimes a breaking point, and it sounds like you reached yours. I understand your frustration, and pray everything works out for all of you. Having been in a similar situation in the past, I know how hard this is, especially when your kids are watching. Just know that in the end, as long as you are taking care of yourself and your kids, she is an adult that needs to take responsibility for her own actions. Hope it gets better... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 :grouphug: Not knowing both sides, I can't say for sure that you were right or wrong, but I'm leaning towards your side. It sounds as if things have been going on for a very long time and you finally had to set some boundaries. So sorry you had to do that with your mother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teachin'Mine Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 I agree with Starr. I hope some good comes out of all of this for both of you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 Why do you have to even tell her you are in town? I would cut contact with her and just go on about your vacation as planned. Sounds like you have a volatile relationship right now. ...and Do you really want THAT teenage talk rubbing off on your kids? LOL My mom and I are VERY close...but there was a time when I cut contact with her over something that she just refused to understand (my divorce with my first husband and then, later, my marriage to my current husband) and something I refused to budge on (either time). We finally got over the anger and came back together, but not before I went off and got married on my own. I finally told her about 3 mos later...around the same time I told her I was 2 mos pregnant. She was hurt, at first, but she has come to realize that her own behavior is what cost her that time and those experiences with me. It was tough time in our relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~Amanda~ Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 I think that you did right; you have to stick up for your kids. and I have had to monitor my kids convo with my MIL cause she will tell them things/promises that she renigs on without a seconds thought, so I have to protect them from the lies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 I've had it out with my dad once every 10 years since I was 20. In between I simmer, but sometimes it just needs to happen. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama2Many4 Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 It sounds like she has some growing up to do, and until then she needs to not have any contact with your family if she can't control herself. You did the right thing. You have your own family to think about now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 :grouphug: Cussing back and her and being verbally abusive would be wrong. Setting boundaries are not wrong. You obviously did not quote your e-mail to her verbatim but much of what you stated were your boundaries - she is to treat you and your family with respect or not at all. Sometimes you definitely need to let someone know WHY you are setting the boundaries. It seems strange to us to have to do that with our parents but sometimes we do. It sounds like you were very direct but not abusive in how you did it. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindergretta Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 :grouphug: Right or wrong doesn't matter now. You did it and maybe it will be "shocking" enough to stimulate a conversation, kwim? I'm sorry she has pushed you so hard for so long. (((hugs))) Any one with half a brain knows not to push the buttons of a sick pregnant woman!!!! Praying for you, the sickness, the trip, and whatever is upcoming with your mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindergretta Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 Good point, Jean. It seems the email from the mom contained swearing while the outgoing email did not. ::think:: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BakersDozen Posted May 19, 2011 Author Share Posted May 19, 2011 Why do you have to even tell her you are in town? I would cut contact with her and just go on about your vacation as planned. Unfortunately, she has known about our trip for a while and knows the people whose house we will be using. The town is so small and the community very close knit. The last time we were there the very first day someone I knew in high school knew we were there just because they saw our big van with our sticker family and an AZ license plate. It is that kind of town. I can't hide from my mom. I hate that conflict with her reduces me to feeling like a child again, fearing my mom's wrath. I had to meet her strength for strength this time, I felt. It sounds like you were very direct but not abusive in how you did it. That was my goal - blunt and strong but not offensive or disrespectful. Certainly not returning abuse for abuse. I detest swearing and feel that her inclusion of it in her email immediately brought the issue to a low level that I refuse to stoop to. Plus I know that if I started it would all come out...a deluge. Thanks, ladies. I hope my own dc never feel this way about me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue G in PA Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 :iagree: with Jean. Sounds like you set some boundaries and that is healthy. Some people just can't accept/respect boundaries. Praying this opens up the channels of mature and healthy communication for you both. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 :grouphug: Cussing back and her and being verbally abusive would be wrong. Setting boundaries are not wrong. You obviously did not quote your e-mail to her verbatim but much of what you stated were your boundaries - she is to treat you and your family with respect or not at all. Sometimes you definitely need to let someone know WHY you are setting the boundaries. It seems strange to us to have to do that with our parents but sometimes we do. It sounds like you were very direct but not abusive in how you did it. :grouphug: Yes, this, absolutely. If it's any help I've been in a very similar situation to you years ago, and reacted in pretty much the same way. I was so furious I scarcely felt guilty about it. I then refused to have anything to do with my mother for six months. She eventually got in touch and we worked it out. Things improved a lot after that, but there was a change in the relationship. From then on our roles had reversed, I was the adult, she the child. She never changed completely, but we had a much better relationship after I had made it clear that there was only so far she could push me. She died a couple of years ago, a few weeks before she died she told me, with true sincerity how proud she was of me, I'd waited my whole life to hear that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyofsixreboot Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 Stating your position in polite terms is not wrong! Respectful boundaries and for those who can't be respectful you have to set wide boundaries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 :grouphug: Not knowing both sides, I can't say for sure that you were right or wrong, but I'm leaning towards your side. It sounds as if things have been going on for a very long time and you finally had to set some boundaries. So sorry you had to do that with your mother. :iagree::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 :grouphug: Sometimes we need to speak up for ourselves. :grouphug: yes.....sometimes we can only take so much..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 (edited) BTDT. Stick to your guns. It'll get easier when she realizes she can't bully you. :grouphug: Edited May 19, 2011 by Mejane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 :grouphug: Nothing to add that hasn't been said except to tell you NOT to apologize to her. You have the ball in your court now - don't give it back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BakersDozen Posted May 19, 2011 Author Share Posted May 19, 2011 Nothing to add that hasn't been said except to tell you NOT to apologize to her How did you know that I was struggling with that very idea all night?? ;) I needed to read this because my personality is to quickly try to smooth things over...I need to not do that this time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amey311 Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 The only extra advice i have is to consider NOT telling her your entire itinerary. Tell her Sunday what Monday's plans are (or Tuesday's if you want to give her a little more notice). Then if that activity goes well, you can give her more information. If you tell her the whole 2 week schedule and she spends Monday acting like her email, you'll either have to change your plans to try to avoid her, or tell her she's not welcome (which will be hard if you have plans to go to public places and she decides to push boundaries). You don't want to have Monday go poorly and have plans to go to the zoo on Wednesday and then either have to leave because she's being ridiculous (which will be upsetting to your children) or have a public scene at the zoo (also upsetting), etc. KWIM? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 How did you know that I was struggling with that very idea all night?? ;) Hmmm...maybe because I've been there. Not with my mom but with someone else in my family. I hope you have a wonderful trip.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creativish Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 So sorry you are going through this. Very frustrating when the parents act as children and the children have to be the parents. Boundaries are such an important thing in relationships. You can't always be the one who smooths things over. My mom has a crazy passive-aggressive streak in her and there was a time I had to stop contact just to regain my own sanity. I realized I could never make her happy no matter how hard I tried. And by trying, I was just enabling her immaturity and making things worse. :( Now I think our visits work the best when they are on the short side-- she is happy seeing and catching up with the kids-- before things get too comfortable and fall back into old habits. Maybe with your vacation, give your mom one full day or maybe one at the beginning and one at the end, depending on how long you're staying and then be busy doing other family things the rest of the time. Hopefully she can agree to something like that. If not, it is her loss. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 Wow... no, you were not wrong, but if I were you, I would have not welcomed/invited/told her about our plans at all, period. She'd be disinvited, not included, we would have nothing to do with her. No way, no how. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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